Upset Almost Beyond Words

I've started this post several times and still haven't found a good way. I'll just state the facts. I haven't seen my good friend T. since I was 7 months pregnant. We've been really close friends for almost 12 years. Besides Mark, he was my closest friend. In some ways he was my closest friend because I didn't feel like I needed to look out for him and protect him. He was at my hospital bedside during the really bad times and that was the only time I saw him shed a tear. Otherwise, he's a 6'4", 225 lb. cop - tough on the outside but a really nice guy on the inside. I texted him after I had D. to see if we could visit but he texted back that he was super busy and would get back to me. I left a voicemail 3 wks. ago and didn't hear back. I figured he was busy. But then last Friday I sent him a text of D. pics and didn't hear back from him, not even a comment. That's when I thought something wasn't right.

This morning while D. was asleep, I texted him "Are you okay? I'm just checking on you." He texted back awhile later to call him and since I was on my way to pick up I., I stuck the headset in and called him.

He tells me that his wife (they are both in their 40's) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Just like Mark, it's already stage 4 and has spread. They flew her up to SF to the best of care to start chemo and see if she can get into any trials. And as he's telling me his voice begins cracking with emotion and it just kills me. I had to pull over to the side of the road when he told me because it just hit me so hard. But I had to keep going to pick I. up on time so as I drive with D. in the back seat and my tired synapses trying to fire on all cylinders, I try to talk to him with sensitivity and without by accident saying insensitive things. I listened and just tried to encourage him. There was a sense of deja vu. On top of it, his stepfather (his dad died when T. was 12) was diagnosed a month ago with 2 types of cancer and things are grim for him too.

I can't write any more right now. It's just a swirl of deja vu and sadness. And it's the same kind of cancer as Mark - that makes it more upsetting. I'll pray for them during my nighttime feedings (that's what I do to stay awake) but right now I'm kind of pissed off with God. It just doesn't seem fair and although I know that God could heal her if He wanted, my cynical side from my experience with Mark makes me think that He won't. And she'll die and leave a young good husband and 3 boys here to suffer.