Rough Night

Last night was something out of a torture chamber. Seriously. It went from Little Shop of Horrors to Gitmo. What caused this torture was that I was forced to change what D. was sleeping on in his bassinet because of major safety issues. It was non-negotiable however, I knew it was going to cause problems with his sleeping, at least initially. Boy, was I ever right. Morning nap was shorter and afternoon nap was a 30 minute joke. I was stressing because if he doesn't sleep well during the day, going to sleep and staying asleep at night is going to be a problem. I'll just cut to the chase of how last night ended - even though I was exhausted by 10pm, I was not "allowed" to fall asleep until 3:30am. Then I slept til the alarm went off at 6:30.

The jury is still out for today. He woke up crying a couple of times in morning nap, which isn't completely out of the ordinary, but overall got a 2 1/2 hour morning nap. This afternoon, he was up after 45 minutes. Tonight I put him down asleep and he woke up crying 20 minutes later. I was able to soothe him quickly and he went back to sleep. It's not an auspicious start though. I really need a "normal" night's sleep tonight - nothing huge, just 6 hours would be just fine by me. My thinking is that he was only used to that other way of sleeping for 7 weeks so he should be able to adapt to this new way in 2 or 3 days. We'll see how accurate that thinking is.

In the middle of the night while I was being tortured, I was racking my brain trying to figure out how to prevent this from happening today. So I studied what was pissing D. off (lying on his back) and tried to think of how safely to address it. So I McGyvered something with wedges and blue painter's tape to see if D. could safely sleep on his side, which is what he wants. I also moved the bassinet into the walk-in closet to see if that would help with afternoon nap and his early bedtime because my bedroom is light at those 2 times of day. He has morning nap in I.'s dark room and that usually is more successful thus my experiment with the walk-in closet. I think being a second time around momma has taught me to just keep trying different things if the first thing doesn't work. You just keep trying and studying what is working and what is not working and adjusting from there.

So I sound like I'm doing well emotionally, huh? Well, not really. V. had to stay up in LA this whole week and even though he may not help with the kids anyways when he is in town due to their early bedtimes and his hellacious work schedule, knowing that I will have his company later on that day and another adult in the house overnight helps me emotionally. If I'm getting the normal 5-6 hours of total sleep and things are going okay, I can make it. But when night sleep is down to nothing and every afternoon is fraught with I.'s angst, I feel so alone. Which leads to those feelings of failure and utter sadness. Things with I. continue to be rough every afternoon. It feels like afternoons at home with me are such a letdown after a morning of kindergarten. She acts so unhappy that afternoons are not just fun, fun, fun and that I'm always telling her what to do, fixing her meals she's not happy about, and not doing the things she wants. I know it's part of the adjustment period of both the second kid and kindergarten but it makes me feel like such a failure to her as a mother and feeds into what I feel like...that everyone else is for fun and me, I'm just the person telling her what she's having for a meal and what to do. But I'm the only one here and yes damnit, she does need to pick up her clothes off the floor and put them away and yes damnit it is time for a bath and you need to mind what I'm saying. So I just get to be the bad guy and everyone else gets to be entertainment. It's so hard and it makes me feel so bad. I pray that as I get more sleep which will lead to more patience and more energy, things will get better. I think as D. gets older and can stay awake for longer stretches, that will make a huge difference too because it will give me more freedom to plan something for us to do without being on an hour and a half tether like I am now.

Tough times but I'm still relishing those big gummy smiles that D. gives me and how his tongue is moving around as he tries to communicate. And those sweet coos...those are even better. I'm just trying to hang onto those moments as much as possible and enjoy them to the fullest instead of these sleepless nights because I know both will pass and while I won't miss those sleepless nights, I will miss those first smiles and the wonder of his first attempts at communication. I've just got to make it through without going down the road to depression and that's the scary part.