Exercise Outlet

After posting on Friday night it was hard not to think about T. and pancreatic cancer whenever I woke up during the night. It was hard to pray, I was angry. When I was trying to fall back asleep after a feeding or waking up, the first thing I thought of was how, when Mark was sick and during his final week of life, the first thing I thought of when I woke up was that he was sick and dying. And then I thought this was probably the first thing on T.'s mind when he woke up and it made me so sad. I wonder if there is such a thing as being too empathetic? I mean, seriously do other people feel and think this much when others go through similar situations? Not that I'm equating losing Mark with T. losing his wife of 21 years because I'm not. It's really ripped off a scab that I thought was healed. I guess it's a scab that never really heals.

I made a conscious decision to take any and all advantages this weeked to get some exercise. After relying on exercise since I was 24 as my stress relief, it's hard not to be working out for the past 7 weeks. I've been using resistance bands and some free weights for upper body stuff but trying to do cardio in the living room is really difficult. I know that my anxiety level skyrockets with less sleep and no vigorous exercise outlet so it's no surprise that anxiety is a problem. As luck would have it, V. did his Saturday workout on Friday which allowed me to go out by myself for a short time on Saturday. With all the pent up anger about T.s' wife, I decided to head over to Miramar Lake, go down to the dirt path, and jog/walk. It was nice weather, fall-like, and the jogging got some of my anger out. I felt really good afterwards and for the rest of the day. Today we took shifts at the gym and I was able to get another workout in. It feels good to have my muscles sore from healthy exercise for a change.

We'll see how this week goes. V. may be gone most of this week too, we'll have to see. Making it through dinnertime, bathtime, and bedtime with 2 parents is so much easier. When it's just me, it's still overwhelming and usually both kids are crying about different things during all or some of it. It's exhausting. I am hoping that as D. gets older, some aspects of it will get easier but we'll have to see if that's true.