Hard Times

I want to capture these memories of D.  He got his first band aid on his forehead thanks to splitting his forehead on the corner of a stool.  He calls this a "ba-boo".  Next, he likes to announce daily routines such as, "After sleepie-sleepie, I eat the fruita downstairs."  He requires that you repeat back what he says to ensure you understand.  He's all about music.  He loves his music class and picks up lyrics and notes of favorite songs on the radio.  He sings along and recognizes tunes without lyrics.  He may be the next American Idol for all I know.  This boy knows his cars (bat-bats).  While we are driving, he can point out cars which are the same model as my car, Daddy's car and Bubbi and Bobbi's car even if they are a different color.  Pretty observant and impressive.

My back was injured back on February 6th.  That's why I haven't posted.  Suffered greatly for a month until I insisted on an MRI which came back with two herniated discs, one of which is pushing on a few nerve roots.  Yes and that's exactly what it feels like.  Extreme pain...nose running, eye watering pain and this from someone who made it through 30 hours of labor med-free with 3 hours of pushing.  At least there was a reward at the end and I knew it would end sometime.  This pain has been over a month, 24/7, making my D. feel upset because I couldn't hold him like I normally do.  That's when I got mad and started demanding that something start happening to fix this.  Enough is enough.  I won my primary care doctor over and she and I have been working together to try to move things along for pain relief and ultimate healing.  It's going to be an uphill battle with the insurance climate these days but I'm cautiously hopeful.

On a very sad note, a long time friend of mine's wife died this week from pancreatic cancer.  We used to be so close but for the last couple of years it's truly been hit or miss.  I understood that he had a lot going on  but when someone says they'll call me right back when I call on their birthday and they don't call for 5 months, something's up.  To put things in perspective, this guy was my best friend back in the day and even after I. was born, we would meet every so often for coffee to catch up.  However, his wife was diagnosed with cancer right at the same time D. was born - the last time we saw each other was 2 months before he was born.  When I would talk to him, he'd say we have to get together for coffee/lunch but it never happened.  D. will be 3 this year and neither of my 2 remaining guy friends has ever met him.  Kind of hurts.  But I got off on my own tangent while the point was that my friend lost his wife tragically.  Their youngest boy is graduating from high school in June.  It just makes me so sad for their sons and for my friend.  I'll send them a card and say a prayer for them.

Swirling

I just don't have the energy to go into all the details of the last week and a half.  There just is so much going on and it's no surprise that my dreams and nightmares are alive and well.

To catch up, I had to toe the line of pissing V. off for a couple of weeks until he finally agreed and scheduled time to go visit his dad.  Now that his dad's bone cancer is terminal, V. won't deal with it meaning he won't communicate at all with his parents and was balking at going over there.  I had to get down and dirty with him and tell him to stop acting like an unfeeling a-hole because I knew he wasn't.  Finally he relented and will be visiting for 4 days at the end of this month.  Then we will be out there for a couple of days the following weekend for a Giants game and to visit.  I just feel so much responsibility for keeping tabs on his family and giving them support.  Last week I was on the phone with his parents for awhile, giving support to his mom and making his dad laugh with my outlandish comments.  What's interesting is that before I make these kind of calls, you know the ones that may be awkward or uncomfortable because of dire health situations, I'm always anxious because I want to say the right things and not make the other person feel uncomfortable.  At this point, people are already very uncomfortable physically and emotionally with all they are dealing with.  Somehow though in these situations I put myself in their shoes, send a prayer up to God to help me say the right things at the right time and every single time it's worked out so far.  Before you may think I'm tooting my own horn, I'm not because as a rule I'm verbally awkward when I'm not completely comfortable.  It's a strange thing and keeps pushing the idea of volunteering with hospice when my kiddos are older.

A momma friend of mine lost her dad last week and it really broke my heart for her.  She lost her mom about 8 years ago but thankfully has a great close relationship with her brother.  Another reason for having more than one kid!  But my heart truly aches for her, I can only imagine her pain since I haven't lost a parent yet.  But his quick bout with advanced stage cancer and my father in law's advanced stage cancer brings back many of the memories of when Mark was going through all this. 

As of today we are in escrow.  We'll see if the third time is a charm.  As a result, a very busy week has become even busier because now we have to go looking for houses and quickly.  Of course, V.'s travel schedule for the next 3 weeks is insane so the pressure is on me to find the right house for all of us.  The good thing is that V. and I have been on the same page for the few homes we have looked at together so I feel pretty confident that I know what he would balk at and what he would like.  Still though, I hope he can see a house before we make an offer.

Since Saturday D. has had a stuffy nose, most likely caught a virus from me that I've been fighting off since last Wednesday.  Today he woke up and refused to stand or walk and when I would change his diaper or put him on the ground (so I could wipe myself, mind you) he would sob in pain.  Horrible!  I got a doctor appointment and it looks like the virus moved into his left hip and with some Motrin and time, he hopefully will get better.  The scary part was that the doctor told me to watch him for pain or stiffness elsewhere because if it moved to his neck, he could get meningitis.  Yeah, just a small thing. 

So this week on top of all normal things, we will have 2 doctor's appointments for D. and 2 vet appointments, one each for the cats.  Tomorrow morning while D. naps after I take I. to school, I'm going out with our realtor for a search and destroy mission to hopefully find our dream home.  While part of me is sad to leave the home that we brought our babies home to, part of me is excited for:  a vegetable garden for me and the kiddos, a backyard period, a play structure in the backyard, a gardenia plant, room to run and play in the backyard, a larger kitchen, a pantry/storage space for kitchen stuff, space for a play area for the kiddos in the house for imaginary play (cooking etc.), a future dog, a completely detached house and the privacy that comes with it, putting up Christmas lights and decorations... the list goes on.  I am just praying that the right house for us comes on the market in the next couple of weeks.  It doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for us.

Days 39-42 aka the New York Trip

So behind on posting thanks to our New York trip.  While the trip was exciting and fun, I was really missing my kiddos after having so much fun with them in Palm Desert.  I guess there are worse problems to be had!

The New York trip was good on many different levels.  Good adult time as we interacted with other couples and were by ourselves for the few "work" functions.  Great time at the Lion King after a wonderful reception.  Got picked up from JFK by a black, top of the line Lexus with a driver - I mean come on, really?!  The dinner on Saturday was exquisite and I don't usually use that word.  Phenomenal, one of a kind.  And both of the full days we were there we walked and walked and walked.  Exploring different areas of Manhattan, jumping on the subway to travel further and just having a good time relaxing and wandering.  Both days lunch was grabbing a Sabrett's hot dog on a corner and eating it as we continued walking.

The only bummer (and it's a real bummer) was that we made a stop on Sunday over at V.'s parents house.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see them.  I was the one telling V. we should come back on Monday so we could spend Sunday with them but after being gone for so long and a new job, he nixed that so all we ended up with was 3.5 hours or so.  While we were at their house, V. hooked up his computer as soon as we got there to try and check in for his flight the next morning to Phoenix which would be fine except there were problems.  He literally spent an hour over at the kitchen table on the computer while I sat in the living room with his parents carrying on a conversation.  I have no problem with that except for the fact that his dad is sick and he kept fidgeting around the chair like he was in pain. 

Bottom line, as we found out from my brother in law as he was driving us to the airport, is that my father in law has been less than forth coming.  He didn't have a brain tumor.  He has bone cancer as a result of having prostate cancer for the past 20 years.  He could have had better treatment for the prostate cancer over the last 20 years but chose to just take a pill a day.  The cancer has spread everywhere and at this point the radiation he is receiving ( a new 12 week regimen that began last week) is only for palliative.  If they were to do a CT scan, his entire body would light up...it's everywhere.  The radiation is to just keep the pain down and he has pain meds to help with that as well.  But basically he's dying.  Literally we heard all of this as we approached the airport and we were both stunned.  I'm worried for V. because he is his father's son.  For that very reason, I told him that I would never allow him to keep me in the dark like that because it is just a horrible thing to find out that you could have done something but it's now too late.  V. was so wiped out with all that info that he pretty much slept all the way home.

I'm concerned about a couple of things.  I'm concerned for V.  How do I support someone who refuses to acknowledge situations or feelings?  How do I cope with my own memories of Mark, the pain and anguish that accompanies all of this?  How do I support and connect with V.'s dad and how do I involve I. (who is already involved) and prepare her for what is coming?   It is bringing up all the thoughts and pain of Mark.  I really like V.'s dad (and mom for that matter) and understand him because V. is  so much like him.

Good times behind us, tough times ahead.

Exercise Outlet

After posting on Friday night it was hard not to think about T. and pancreatic cancer whenever I woke up during the night. It was hard to pray, I was angry. When I was trying to fall back asleep after a feeding or waking up, the first thing I thought of was how, when Mark was sick and during his final week of life, the first thing I thought of when I woke up was that he was sick and dying. And then I thought this was probably the first thing on T.'s mind when he woke up and it made me so sad. I wonder if there is such a thing as being too empathetic? I mean, seriously do other people feel and think this much when others go through similar situations? Not that I'm equating losing Mark with T. losing his wife of 21 years because I'm not. It's really ripped off a scab that I thought was healed. I guess it's a scab that never really heals.

I made a conscious decision to take any and all advantages this weeked to get some exercise. After relying on exercise since I was 24 as my stress relief, it's hard not to be working out for the past 7 weeks. I've been using resistance bands and some free weights for upper body stuff but trying to do cardio in the living room is really difficult. I know that my anxiety level skyrockets with less sleep and no vigorous exercise outlet so it's no surprise that anxiety is a problem. As luck would have it, V. did his Saturday workout on Friday which allowed me to go out by myself for a short time on Saturday. With all the pent up anger about T.s' wife, I decided to head over to Miramar Lake, go down to the dirt path, and jog/walk. It was nice weather, fall-like, and the jogging got some of my anger out. I felt really good afterwards and for the rest of the day. Today we took shifts at the gym and I was able to get another workout in. It feels good to have my muscles sore from healthy exercise for a change.

We'll see how this week goes. V. may be gone most of this week too, we'll have to see. Making it through dinnertime, bathtime, and bedtime with 2 parents is so much easier. When it's just me, it's still overwhelming and usually both kids are crying about different things during all or some of it. It's exhausting. I am hoping that as D. gets older, some aspects of it will get easier but we'll have to see if that's true.

I Miss My Friend

Finally got around to downloading pictures for the last month and there were some pictures of Mark and I from our last "normal" day together and it took me by surprise. This picture tears me up and I began hyperventilating as I was sobbing and still continue to sob. Partly because I miss his smile and him. But also because I look at both of our smiles and see the pure joy and beauty of our friendship despite the life situations. Anyone can look at our faces and see the joy that we have just being together.

Keep in mind that it was just a few hours after this picture was taken on Sunday afternoon, that Mark started the steep decline and finally died on Thursday at 10:52 am. While I am so thankful for getting to read him all our good memories, hug him tightly, and be there with him to the end, my grief is deep, painful, and far reaching. I am changed forever having seen and been through everything I've gone through the last month - it's not even the viewing or the funeral. I could contain that - it's the actual watching my best friend my age slowly die over 3 days that has changed me. It was the most painful thing I've ever been through and the things I saw and experienced during those 3 days haunt me. I saw and experienced the human pain of others - his wife Jodi, his sister, and his parents and that pain was more than I ever had felt and all this was in addition to my own pain.

Will write more later - too overwhelmed now.

I am so thankful that I have this picture though because it captures our friendship. Here is the photo from almost exactly a year ago when I flew up to Seattle for a weekend to be with Mark.

10 Things I Would Rather Do Than Be Delivering An Eulogy for My Best Friend

Don't get me wrong, I'm honored to have been asked to deliver an eulogy for Mark. I've been waking up in the middle of the night and lying awake for hours for the past month, worrying about what I'm going to say when Mark dies. So, at least I'm getting to fulfill all those past worries.

Here are the top 10 things I would rather be doing than writing the eulogy for my best friend:

1. Bungee jumping (I have a real fear of falling)
2. Slam my finger in a car door (I've done that and it really hurts)
3. Punch a wall with my fist (yes, unfortunately I've done that too)
4. Hit my head against a wall (okay, yes it wasn't the brightest thing I've done)
5. Speak in front of a great number of people (yes, done that too on behalf of Mark)
6. Break 2 concrete slabs with my bare hand (yes I did that too for my black belt and successfully I may add!)
7. Go through 36 hours of labor only to end in a ...(see below)
8. C-section (thanks to my beautiful feisty daughter)
9. Have to have your stomach pumped while you're still conscious (yeah, done this one too)
10. Successfully survive serious suicide attempts (I'll plead the 5th on this one)

So I think you get the general idea of what I would be willingly to go through in order to have Mark back, healthy, living, and enjoying his little family. I REALLY don't want to be writing this or having to deliver this while standing in front of his coffin.

For the last couple of days, I have been having a hard time thinking just because I'm so sad, angry, and exhausted. I started working on the eulogy last night and got some random thoughts down finally after 10 pm but they were really disjointed. While I was on the treadmill at the gym this morning, some thoughts came to mind that I jotted down and then while I was stretching at the end, a song started playing on my Ipod from a band that was one of Mark's favorites and as I listened to the lyrics, I really felt at peace and that this was a great send-off song for him.

When I got I. down for resttime, I began writing and rearranging things like a madwoman and guess what? I finished the eulogy. Not only did I finish it but I really feel like it's a home run out of the park, kick ass type of eulogy. As in a perfect one for Mark on all fronts. This gives my mind a rest, one less thing to worry about except for how I'm going to get through it. But, for right now, I'm proud of it and I know if Mark hears it, he would really like it too. And for now, before the bad nights come again, I'm glad for that.

Things Are Really Shitty

Thursday was in my top 2 worst days of my life so far, hands down. My last post showed a picture of Mark and I late Sunday afternoon. As fate would have it, that is the last picture I will ever have with him because he passed away on Thursday morning at 10:52 a.m. I state it cut and dry but I am far from feeling cut and dry.

Now I understand why Mark was hugging me so long and hard because just a few hours after I left on Sunday, he began going downhill. By Tuesday midday, I received the call that Mark was in bad shape and I needed to get over there quickly. I got I. to my parents within the hour and got over there. Hospice had brought a hospital bed in for him and I was shocked to see how much worse he looked. Jodi said, "Look who's here." and he opened his eyes. I said, "There's my favorite guy." and he gave me a little smile. For the next 2 days, we sat by his side, holding his hand, stroking his leg, and whispering in his ear that it was okay to go. Both nights, I would come home after 11pm. and sleep with the cell phone next to me, convinced that he wasn't going to make it through the night. But a 39 year old heart has stamina even if the rest of the body is shutting down.

I think the most heartbreaking moment was when Jodi climbed in the bed with him and began sobbing in a way I have never heard - deep, heart wrenching sobs that just make you wince from the emotional pain they are conveying. She began trying to wrap Mark's arms around her to hold her. The hospice nurse and I helped her with his arms and then I held his hands tightly against her back as she just sobbed uncontrollably. As much as I tried to contain it, I was silently crying huge tears uncontrollably because the whole thing was just so painful. So painful in fact that the hospice nurse started crying. That tells you how bad it was. I'm so glad though that I could help her feel that last holding from Mark.

As soon as he passed on Thursday, only Jodi was in there with him. Right afterwards, she called me in first by myself so I could say that final goodbye which I am really thankful for. I told him I loved him, thanked him for being there through my difficult times, to have a good trip and then kissed him. Then the family came in and I left.

After the mortuary came to pick Mark up, Jodi asked me if I would help her get rid of all the medications as per the hospice instructions. So we donned surgical masks and gloves and disposed of the incredible amounts of medication Mark had been taking to survive. After that, Jodi asked if I would go with her to the mortuary so we went and made the arrangements there and the next morning we went together to the cemetary and took care of that. Jodi has asked if I would deliver the eulogy since there will not be a pastor or priest present. I am so very honored but also wising from the depths of my heart that I wasn't having to do this for my best friend. I think I need to do another separate post just on this topic.

On top of all this, there is a major rift between the family and Jodi right now. Since Mark died, they have been unkind towards her and done some things that you wouldn't believe so now there's this huge volatile situation on top of everything else to deal with. I have talked with her family members and also Mark's best guy friend so that we can run interference between the two parties during the viewing (Tuesday) and the service (Wednesday). Mark was the most nonconfrontational person I know and I will be damned if either function turns into a Jerry Springer show. If it did, it wouldn't even feel like it was for him. Another fucking fantastic to have to worry about.

Thursday night was a pretty horrible night for me; last night not as bad because I was trying to start on the eulogy. Tonight V. is home for 16 hours, so I'm keeping it together. But I am so completely exhausted and just am having a hard time catching up with normal stuff. Went to the grocery store today and just got Lean Cuisine dinners for next week if I can even stomach those, got a load of wash in, and tried to clean up the mess in the house. I swear to God at 3 pm. it looked like a foreclosured house or something until I went running around so that V. wouldn't walk into that after being on planes for over 20 hours.

But now I'm exhausted and I know in my bones that Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be as bad as Thursday night if not worse. It scares me to be honest. The things I used to do to cope with extreme anger, unfairness, and sadness are no longer options. So like Thursday, I truly feel as though I'm climbing the walls without any hope of relief. Thank God I have a therapist appt. on Tuesday morning - I strategically scheduled that without knowing just how much I was going to need it. Maybe we can put together a list of things I can do to give me some relief on those 2 nights.

If It Wasn’t So Damn Unfunny, It Would Be Fucking Hilarious

You know when you wake up and don’t really want to get out of bed because you know it’s going to be a tough day? Well, that was me this morning. I thought I had prepared myself well for the day by getting in a hard, heavy workout this morning and talking to a friend who always brightens my day but in hindsight, it wasn’t enough. The only way things would be better is if I could just have a do-over. Let's just start at the beginning.

Before the gym, V. called, not having a good day at work. Not a surprise since most days in Saudi Arabia aren’t all that great. In the middle of my five minute “allotment”, he says, “I’ve got go.”, and hangs up. Did he all of a sudden begin working undercover for the CIA without my knowledge and his cover was about to be blown? Unless that’s the case, you don’t hang up on someone when they A.) are in the middle of a sentence, and B.) are in need of some kind words to help them deal with a painful visit to a dying friend. I usually don’t get angry at V. but wow, this isn’t the best time to do that to me. So I went to the gym and worked out hard and heavy to get all that negative energy out of me and release those endorphins. I weighed myself at the gym and wasn’t too surprised to see that the “Mark Diet” as I call it, seems to be in full effect since in the past week, I’ve lost 3 pounds. I wanted to drop some weight anyways, I just wish it wasn’t due to having my stomach in knots all the time. Then I talked to a friend who always puts a smile on my face and I. and I headed over to Mark’s house.

I'll just say it plainly - I don't know if he's even got a month left in him. He used to weigh 240 pounds, now he's about 115 and looks less than that. While we were sitting next to each other on the couch, I gave him the list of memories I wrote last night to read. I could tell he was struggling due to all the pain medication he is on and asked if I could read it to him because I would enjoy doing that. The polite guy that he is, Mark said, "Would you mind? That would be great!" So I read them to him and we smiled great big smiles remembering our antics, troubles, and friendship over the last 10+ years. Sitting next to each other shoulder to shoulder, we could have been at Ruth Chris' on the barstools but the grim reality is that we weren't and never will be. I so cherish these moments and opportunities to hang out with him and it amazes me that even with how things are, I can tease him, make him smile, and give him a short escape to better times.

I don't necessarily look forward to the visit because every moment I'm there tears my heart just a little bit more and the emotional aftermath after each visit is hard to deal with. I love spending time with him but it just reminds me how much I'm going to miss him when he's gone. You know what the beautiful thing is, how much he appreciates it. When I went to leave after 4 hours, I helped him stand, gave him a kiss, and we just hugged as tightly as possible for a really long time and he was holding on as tightly as I was. Even though while I am there, I am upbeat and calm, I know he knows how incredibly sad I am. I could feel it in that hug today. For some reason, that knowledge makes me even more sad. Today also was the first time that Jodi acknowledged that the time is near and broke down crying. That didn't make me sad, that just made me fucking mad because it took him a long time to find her and start having that life he wanted so badly and now she's faced with being a widow at 31 with a little baby. This is just going to be so fucking bad. Sorry for the language, it's just how I feel.

So while I was at Mark's, V. calls back on my cell phone to tell me he's not coming home on Tuesday after all. This after he was supposed to be home last Thursday. I was in the middle of pulling up I.'s underwear in the bathroom, I sent her out, and looked in the mirror and almost began laughing hysterically because for some reason, the whole scene seemed surreal to me. I mean, I'm wiping shit off I.'s butt, I've already been hung up on once today, I'm at Mark's house dealing with all that comes with that, and now at 11:30 pm Saudi time V. decides that he has to tell me he's not coming home AGAIN instead of just waiting until tonight (CA time) and letting me know? I don't know it just seemed surreal. Instead of laughing hysterically, I said calmly "I'm visiting Mark and I can't deal with this right now." To V.'s credit, he must have heard something in my voice because he said, "Okay, we'll talk later tonight then." and then I hung up. I don't know, can we all just not rush to the front of the line to give me bad news? Please, take a number and I'll let you know when it's your turn. Keep in mind, he has to leave this Sunday for a week in DC...

Now you may think, whew! that's gotta be it for the day. No, actually not. Got home in time to feed I. dinner and got her in the bath. It's 95 degrees out today so the A/C is on and the house is feeling cool. I get I. out of the bath and while I'm dressing her in her bedroom, I notice that it's kind of warm. I figure the A/C must have shut off and then notice her clock is off and then it clicks, the power has gone off. I go to the circuit breaker to see if that will help but no. So I put I. in minimal pjs and hope that she can fall asleep without her fan, white noise, and night light on. Fortunately for me, four hours in 90 degree weather at Mark's house today has wiped her out so she fell asleep. Meanwhile I came outside to write this post while my computer still had some juice so I'm out here sweltering with a tall glass of water and an adult beverage - I didn't want all those ice cubes to go to waste! Trying to figure out what I can have for dinner without electricity - no salmon 'cause no microwave, no artichoke 'cause no electric ignition on the gas stove. Guess it's going to be a protein bar again (that was lunch).

Something's gotta give - hey, that's one of my favorite movies, maybe I should watch it. Oh wait, I can't, there's no electricity. I'm going to be sitting out here on the patio with a candle singing Kumbaya to myself all night - wait, what's that? The A/C is going on - power is back. Maybe my luck is changing? Nah, probably not but at least I have power, I. is asleep, and if I want, I can watch one of my favorite movies tonight. I won't go as far as to say life is good because right now I'm still angry with "life" but I will say that today's downward spiral may just have started subsiding.

And So It Continues

I'm getting this distinct feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better. I don't mean this to be a downer but it's just my reality right now.

Mark's wife emailed all his friends today asking for everyone to write down their good memories with him for him to read and hang on longer. It's not looking good. She just called me back a few minutes ago and said to come over tomorrow instead of Monday because Mark is becoming increasingly confused each day. I will take my 3 pages of memories that I wrote tonight and go over there. Why is it so much worse when the person is "young" aka your age? I went through this right after Isabella was born with my grandfather and it hurt but I was able to maintain some sort of distance. With Mark, I find it hard to have distance. The memories are so fresh and the pain so intense. It makes me feel my own mortality and instead of making me want to live life to its fullest, it makes me (at least right now) want to curl into a ball, not eat, and drink some adult beverages.

I hope the visit goes better than I expect. I just want to make it to my therapist appointment on Tuesday, have V. make it home safely on Tuesday night (even though he's leaving on Sunday for a week again), and feel some peace again. Especially the peace part...

Deja Vu

When I was 4 months pregnant with I., my grandmother tumbled to her death in her home downstairs in the middle of the night. My mother and I found ourselves inserted into my grandfather's life immediately. We always loved him but had been prevented access to him due to my mentally ill grandmother. As we worked the whole summer at their house, trying to sift through a monumental amount of merchandise, memories, financials, and junk, we quickly understood that my grandfather was suffering from Alzheimer's. It didn't make us love him any less and it was amazing that his long term memory was still intact but short term was nonexistent. Then he began having fearful hallucinations that would cause him to say and do inappropriate things.

I feel as though it's deja vu because now that the ammonia is reaching Mark's brain, he is saying some bizarre things. Sometimes he understands that it's a bizarre comment but at times he doesn't understand what is going on and it saddens me greatly. His wife told me that after she signed the forms to get him out of the hospital and the doctors came in to release him, Mark thought they were all trying to put him down like a dog and he started begging and crying that he didn't want to die yet. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for her to hear her husband beg like that, I'm so thankful I didn't hear that because it would have reverberated in my dreams. As it is, two nights this week, I've woken up because I'm sobbing and the noise wakes me up. It really seems like deja vu in that I feel powerless to help someone I love and they are out of their mind literally, but it's worse because Mark hasn't had 80+ years to live his life - he hasn't even had 40 years and neither have I so it's too soon, too unexpected, too unfair and it pisses me off and saddens me to the point of numbness. Not tears, just that numb depression, unability to feel, great anger. His wife introduced me to his doctors this week as his best friend and I felt honored but when he's gone, what am I? What is left that is meaningful? I know I am a wife, a mother, a daugher but who was there by my side during the tough times, encouraging me, laughing with me, enjoying happy hour side by side, cementing our friendship? Mark, that's who. After that V. but before that, it was Mark and I how do I forget those times? All our crazy thoughts, discussions and memories - they haven't faded away and I'm not ready to let go yet.

A Day of Ups and Downs

On the upside of things, another good day for I. and I on the behavioral front! Just a wee bit of testing but when she saw that I meant business, she stopped whining, talking back, and disobeying. To make sure I wasn't adding to the problem, I allowed her to choose between 2 healthy options for meals and let her participate more in preparing her meals which she enjoyed. She and I enjoyed each other throughout the day and again, even she appreciated the smoother relationship. I pointed out to her how well she listened to me and behaved and how fun it was that she and Mommy got along so well all day long. She was sitting on my lap when I told her this and her face lit up in a happy smile and gave me a big, enthusiastic hug. Yay!

The hard part of the day was that I was able to go visit Mark in the hospital this afternoon for a couple of hours. I was really happy about getting to see him and I was glad to see him but it was a tough visit. For one, I haven't seen him since mid March because he's been putting me off and I've been trying to respect his need for space. So seeing him today with just his hospital pants on was a shock. I'm used to the tubes coming out of his stomach and all the things he's hooked up to. What was shocking was how thin he was. His upper arm is about the width of my wrist and there is just nothing left on him but skin. I almost teared up when I saw him because he looks like one of those pictures of concentration camp victims. I just wasn't at all prepared for that.

On top of that, this afternoon they had a meeting with all the doctors and have decided that it's time for hospice to step in and start helping at home, keeping him comfortable and try to keep him out of the hospital as much as possible. My heart broke a little hearing that even though I know it's in Mark's best interest and I don't want him to suffer more than he needs to. It was just hard to hear. His liver just cannot take anymore - between the numerous tumors (2 new ones discovered this week) and all the narcotics and medications it's having to process, his liver is barely working at all.

Three other friends of his came to visit while I was there and we were all laughing most of the time. It was good to see Mark smile. When it came time for me to leave, I told him I was going to be coming around more often and Jodi said "April, you just check with me on when is a good time, don't worry about Mark." I said to him with a smile, "Did you hear that? I'm not going to try and go through you any more to come and see you because I never see you when I do that. I don't want you to think I'm being rude but that's just how it needs to be." And he said that yes, he heard what Jodi said and that it was fine. What really touched my heart was that Jodi asked I. if she wanted to give Mark a hug goodbye. Even though he was naked from the waist up, skin and bones, and tubes coming out every which way, I. went over to the bedside and gave him a really good hug. I mean, this is a kid who, if she doesn't want to do something, has no problem stating that and also asks a ton of questions. But she hugged him and later on the ride home asked about the tubes in his tummy. I really thank God that he gave I. the compassion to get over the appearance of Mark and show him true affection. That actually brings all my emotions to the surface, it just touches me. Then I hugged him tightly and was struck with how small he is now in body size but not in the amount of will he has left.

This is such a tragedy - he just celebrated his first Father's Day last month. I know I have the strength to be there for him for as long as he needs me. It may tear me up inside but I am not afraid of being around the end times for someone, especially him, and only want to make things as good as they possibly can be for him at that point. It really makes me overwhelmingly sad though...

Rough Day

I'm really want to get back to funny posts or deep thought posts or happy posts but today isn't going to be the day for that unfortunately. But stay tuned, I'm sure one is just around the corner.

It isn't that today has been the worst day, just not a particularly stellar one. First of all, despite 9 hours of sleep last night, I'm still dog tired. How can that be? Perhaps it's all the overthinking I've been doing lately and still trying to curb.

Secondly, I discovered today that something very personal that I told in confidence to someone was told to someone else. I know this because this person asked me about the topic. I know I didn't tell this person because of the fact that I knew SHE WOULD ASK ME ABOUT IT AND THEN SOME and guess what, I was right. 'Cause not only did she ask me about it, she had to ask an insensitive question to follow it up. Yeah, that makes me really happy I must say. It was probably just an innocent slipup on the part of the person I told but of course, this other person didn't miss the opportunity to needle me on it.

Thirdly, I just got a call back from Mark's wife Jodi as they are on their way to the hospital. Despite a blood transfusion yesterday, he is extremely lethargic, not thinking clearly, and has a new, intense pain in his abdomen. Scary stuff considering what he's battling. Jodi and I have agreed that on Friday I will visit him wherever he is - at home or in the hospital and she'll let me know what the doctors say as soon as she can. My heart feels heavy and frightened by this info but my head feels a little less crowded knowing that the plan for a Friday visit is securely in place. It's only taken almost 2 months to get this visit but Lord willing, we're on. I just pray that the cancer hasn't spread and that they can diagnose and get rid of/control this pain of his.

A Mixed Bag

I've been working on a video to send to V from I about how she is missing him because she certainly is. After a lot of glitches, fits and starts, I think it's almost ready to send him...finally. The song I set to it is Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman and that's a whole tragic but touching story we won't get into here. We finally had a decent morning and I. opened up around noontime, verbalizing her feelings. It only took 8 days and this after me trying to help her verbalizing what she's feeling "I miss Daddy. Do you miss Daddy? I'm sad Daddy's not here. Are you feeling sad that Daddy's not here?"

I. coloring randomly saying,"I really miss Daddy." A few minutes later, "I love Daddy too much." And then in the car, "I want Daddy back at bathtime. Chasing me, I'm Daddy's little Squirt." It just breaks my heart. So since it breaks my heart, why would I not want to break Daddy's heart a little too. Just so he knows our pain, 'cause he really should, you know.

On the plus side of the bag, Mark, Jodi and their baby boy came over yesterday afternoon to collect their cats. This was the first time since July since I had seen him. Since then, he's lost his hair and more weight but with his eyebrows and his smile, it's still him.

Don't get me wrong - it's not that it wasn't hard to see him this way and hug him (he's smaller than I now) but I just have to put that aside for now. Hunter is so adorable and the best baby. I'd be bitter if they weren't going thru what they are going thru. But they truly, of all people, deserve an easy baby. Jodi is starting school next month to become a nurse to support Hunter (which in the future she will have to do) so I am planning on spending some good time with Mark and hopefully teaching I. at this early age about love, compassion, empathy, and eventually about losing someone you truly love. I sob to think of this lesson but you know, it's best she sees me learning the lesson first because it may make it easier for her. And isn't that what being a momma is all about - providing teaching to make life easier for our kids?

Am I Living in the Land of Even Steven?

Ever since M was diagnosed with inoperable cancer, the most common thought in my mind and coming out of my mouth was, "I wish they would come back home." I knew we could provide a lot of help, support, and love that he and his wife need at this time.

So my wish is coming true and they should be arriving the second week of December. As in moving here for good. What an answer to my prayers! I'm really excited and sort of relieved in a way. I just want some more time and moments with him.

The Even Steven part of it is that as they come down here, V is being sent to Saudi Arabia to work for 3 weeks. Then back for Christmas and New Years and then back to SA for another 3 weeks, home 1 week etc. This may go on for up to 6 months. So M comes back and V leaves. Why can't I have both here at the same time? It's felt like each day of this year, I've been missing someone and feeling like there's a hole in my heart. And I'm tired of it.

I struggle already with "waiting for the other shoe to drop" whenever things are going well and I know that and try to actively combat those kind of thoughts. But then there's this - M is coming home and I'm blissfully happy about that for one week until I find out V is being shipped off to some God forsaken place. See, one week and then the shoe drops. At least that's how it seems.

Thank God I have a book on hold at the library called "The Geography of Bliss: one grump's search for the happiest places in the world". It's been recommended and seems to be just what the doctor orders when it comes to filling my mind with helpful tips on how to have positive and thankful thoughts. I'll let you know how that turns out!

Best Day of My Year

I just got back last night from visiting my friend who has pancreatic cancer in Seattle. He ended up going back in the hospital last Wednesday after they found a hole in his intestine (probably a result of the radiation) and a blood infection. So I went straight to the hospital Saturday night from the airport to see him.

Walking in, I was apprehensive of my reaction at his being 85 lbs. lighter but I'll tell you what - as soon as I saw his brown, happy eyes, I really didn't notice the rest of it. On Sunday, his wife took the day for herself and we were alone from 8:30am - 6:30pm and it was the BEST day of my year so far. (I told him that when I was hugging him goodbye before his surgery on Monday and he got this big smile on his face.) I mean, there we were sitting in a hospital room all day long, me emptying out his bile bag draining from his stomach on the hour, him getting blood transfusions and hooked up to machines etc. and it still was the best of days. We chuckled over funny memories, took some walks down the hallway, watched tv, sat in comfortable silence, and talked about a lot of things. How he mentally/emotionally felt, how exciting it would be when the baby came, how thankful he was for his wife's support and company, how happy we were that I was there, his fears, concerns etc. It was like we were sitting at Ruth Chris' bar like we did so many evenings, just comfortably talking (or not) but enjoying each other's company and encouraging one another. I came away from this weekend even more convinced that we are truly soul mates. We are not life mates and never were but we are definitely soul mates. We just know what to say and when to say it and when to just sit silently in quiet support.

So Sunday and part of Monday, I was on an euphoric high. So thankful that he was awake practically the entire time (the weekend prior, he was awake like 3 hours the whole day), that we got all that time to ourselves, that his wife was doing such a great job taking care of and looking out for him and just that we picked up where we left off and we just were both so happy during the day. Quite a few times for no reason he would just look over and smile at me and it was just a pure happiness that I was there. I told him that it does my heart good to see him and hang out with him.

But today I crashed and I'm trying to climb back up but am so tired. It's like an emotional hangover. I miss him already - I miss hanging out with him, talking to him, knowing that he's just a phone call away. I mean he still is but there's that fear that maybe that was the last time (or maybe not) and conversations on the phone are short with everything that's going on. Now that my visit is over, I don't know when I'll see him next, how many more times, or if I ever will and that makes me sad, very sad. Kind of like the day after Christmas when you're a kid - you look so forward to it that when it's here, it flies by and then it's over. At least you know it's coming around the following year though.

In some ways because Sunday was such a great day, it's made everything feel more painful and raw. It just confirmed that if something happens to him, something one of a kind will be gone from my life, not to be replaced. For now, I'll just keep trying to concentrate on all the wonderful moments from the visit and try not to worry about what the future holds.