Thursday was in my top 2 worst days of my life so far, hands down. My last post showed a picture of Mark and I late Sunday afternoon. As fate would have it, that is the last picture I will ever have with him because he passed away on Thursday morning at 10:52 a.m. I state it cut and dry but I am far from feeling cut and dry.
Now I understand why Mark was hugging me so long and hard because just a few hours after I left on Sunday, he began going downhill. By Tuesday midday, I received the call that Mark was in bad shape and I needed to get over there quickly. I got I. to my parents within the hour and got over there. Hospice had brought a hospital bed in for him and I was shocked to see how much worse he looked. Jodi said, "Look who's here." and he opened his eyes. I said, "There's my favorite guy." and he gave me a little smile. For the next 2 days, we sat by his side, holding his hand, stroking his leg, and whispering in his ear that it was okay to go. Both nights, I would come home after 11pm. and sleep with the cell phone next to me, convinced that he wasn't going to make it through the night. But a 39 year old heart has stamina even if the rest of the body is shutting down.
I think the most heartbreaking moment was when Jodi climbed in the bed with him and began sobbing in a way I have never heard - deep, heart wrenching sobs that just make you wince from the emotional pain they are conveying. She began trying to wrap Mark's arms around her to hold her. The hospice nurse and I helped her with his arms and then I held his hands tightly against her back as she just sobbed uncontrollably. As much as I tried to contain it, I was silently crying huge tears uncontrollably because the whole thing was just so painful. So painful in fact that the hospice nurse started crying. That tells you how bad it was. I'm so glad though that I could help her feel that last holding from Mark.
As soon as he passed on Thursday, only Jodi was in there with him. Right afterwards, she called me in first by myself so I could say that final goodbye which I am really thankful for. I told him I loved him, thanked him for being there through my difficult times, to have a good trip and then kissed him. Then the family came in and I left.
After the mortuary came to pick Mark up, Jodi asked me if I would help her get rid of all the medications as per the hospice instructions. So we donned surgical masks and gloves and disposed of the incredible amounts of medication Mark had been taking to survive. After that, Jodi asked if I would go with her to the mortuary so we went and made the arrangements there and the next morning we went together to the cemetary and took care of that. Jodi has asked if I would deliver the eulogy since there will not be a pastor or priest present. I am so very honored but also wising from the depths of my heart that I wasn't having to do this for my best friend. I think I need to do another separate post just on this topic.
On top of all this, there is a major rift between the family and Jodi right now. Since Mark died, they have been unkind towards her and done some things that you wouldn't believe so now there's this huge volatile situation on top of everything else to deal with. I have talked with her family members and also Mark's best guy friend so that we can run interference between the two parties during the viewing (Tuesday) and the service (Wednesday). Mark was the most nonconfrontational person I know and I will be damned if either function turns into a Jerry Springer show. If it did, it wouldn't even feel like it was for him. Another fucking fantastic to have to worry about.
Thursday night was a pretty horrible night for me; last night not as bad because I was trying to start on the eulogy. Tonight V. is home for 16 hours, so I'm keeping it together. But I am so completely exhausted and just am having a hard time catching up with normal stuff. Went to the grocery store today and just got Lean Cuisine dinners for next week if I can even stomach those, got a load of wash in, and tried to clean up the mess in the house. I swear to God at 3 pm. it looked like a foreclosured house or something until I went running around so that V. wouldn't walk into that after being on planes for over 20 hours.
But now I'm exhausted and I know in my bones that Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be as bad as Thursday night if not worse. It scares me to be honest. The things I used to do to cope with extreme anger, unfairness, and sadness are no longer options. So like Thursday, I truly feel as though I'm climbing the walls without any hope of relief. Thank God I have a therapist appt. on Tuesday morning - I strategically scheduled that without knowing just how much I was going to need it. Maybe we can put together a list of things I can do to give me some relief on those 2 nights.
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