Swirling

I just don't have the energy to go into all the details of the last week and a half.  There just is so much going on and it's no surprise that my dreams and nightmares are alive and well.

To catch up, I had to toe the line of pissing V. off for a couple of weeks until he finally agreed and scheduled time to go visit his dad.  Now that his dad's bone cancer is terminal, V. won't deal with it meaning he won't communicate at all with his parents and was balking at going over there.  I had to get down and dirty with him and tell him to stop acting like an unfeeling a-hole because I knew he wasn't.  Finally he relented and will be visiting for 4 days at the end of this month.  Then we will be out there for a couple of days the following weekend for a Giants game and to visit.  I just feel so much responsibility for keeping tabs on his family and giving them support.  Last week I was on the phone with his parents for awhile, giving support to his mom and making his dad laugh with my outlandish comments.  What's interesting is that before I make these kind of calls, you know the ones that may be awkward or uncomfortable because of dire health situations, I'm always anxious because I want to say the right things and not make the other person feel uncomfortable.  At this point, people are already very uncomfortable physically and emotionally with all they are dealing with.  Somehow though in these situations I put myself in their shoes, send a prayer up to God to help me say the right things at the right time and every single time it's worked out so far.  Before you may think I'm tooting my own horn, I'm not because as a rule I'm verbally awkward when I'm not completely comfortable.  It's a strange thing and keeps pushing the idea of volunteering with hospice when my kiddos are older.

A momma friend of mine lost her dad last week and it really broke my heart for her.  She lost her mom about 8 years ago but thankfully has a great close relationship with her brother.  Another reason for having more than one kid!  But my heart truly aches for her, I can only imagine her pain since I haven't lost a parent yet.  But his quick bout with advanced stage cancer and my father in law's advanced stage cancer brings back many of the memories of when Mark was going through all this. 

As of today we are in escrow.  We'll see if the third time is a charm.  As a result, a very busy week has become even busier because now we have to go looking for houses and quickly.  Of course, V.'s travel schedule for the next 3 weeks is insane so the pressure is on me to find the right house for all of us.  The good thing is that V. and I have been on the same page for the few homes we have looked at together so I feel pretty confident that I know what he would balk at and what he would like.  Still though, I hope he can see a house before we make an offer.

Since Saturday D. has had a stuffy nose, most likely caught a virus from me that I've been fighting off since last Wednesday.  Today he woke up and refused to stand or walk and when I would change his diaper or put him on the ground (so I could wipe myself, mind you) he would sob in pain.  Horrible!  I got a doctor appointment and it looks like the virus moved into his left hip and with some Motrin and time, he hopefully will get better.  The scary part was that the doctor told me to watch him for pain or stiffness elsewhere because if it moved to his neck, he could get meningitis.  Yeah, just a small thing. 

So this week on top of all normal things, we will have 2 doctor's appointments for D. and 2 vet appointments, one each for the cats.  Tomorrow morning while D. naps after I take I. to school, I'm going out with our realtor for a search and destroy mission to hopefully find our dream home.  While part of me is sad to leave the home that we brought our babies home to, part of me is excited for:  a vegetable garden for me and the kiddos, a backyard period, a play structure in the backyard, a gardenia plant, room to run and play in the backyard, a larger kitchen, a pantry/storage space for kitchen stuff, space for a play area for the kiddos in the house for imaginary play (cooking etc.), a future dog, a completely detached house and the privacy that comes with it, putting up Christmas lights and decorations... the list goes on.  I am just praying that the right house for us comes on the market in the next couple of weeks.  It doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for us.

Where Has The Month Gone?

Tomorrow is the last day of January and I swear we just got back home from our Idyllwild vacation.  How is it that time goes by so fast?  I don't know if it's a function of my age or the fact that I have two young children.  Regardless, I try to cherish each of the small, good moments and try to forget all those trying moments.

D. has been sick so the weaning process came to a halt, not unhappily.  We are down to the morning and evening feeding.  Now that we are less than 30 days away from the Puerto Rico outing, I feel the pressure.  Maybe on Monday I'll substitute the sippy cup of milk and hope for the best.  Part of me thinks I should try it out on a non-school day for I. so that if he cries a little at bedtime, it doesn't disturb her sleep.  However, my mother instinct tells me that I should start it on a day where it is predominately just he and I, that we have time by ourselves to play, read books, and snuggle during the day to lessen the impact at bedtime.  So that's what I'm going with.  To be honest, I don't know if I would really be pursuing weaning if it wasn't for this trip.  If it wasn't a all expenses paid, reward for my husband's hard work, I think I'd forego adults' only trips for as long as it took until he was bored and ready to wean.  I know when the morning arrives for us to leave for the airport to head to Puerto Rico and our house is empty of kids, I'll be really excited because it has been awhile...since March 2011.  It's just that the road getting there is fraught with emotional pain for both D. and I.

Speaking of emotional pain, V.'s grandmother died on Sunday and he is back in New York to attend the service tomorrow.  It's a sad time even though she was 98.  There is no age that is good to die.  I am monitoring V. from afar and he seems to be doing okay.  I look forward to him coming home Saturday afternoon and being welcomed by two excited kids and a happy wife.

Swirling Silence

This post's title seems contradictory and it kind of is because it captures two different things occuring in reality and in this morning's dream. But after rolling it around my mind and off my tongue, it captures exactly how my internal thoughts feel. A swirling silence. It certainly doesn't describe my external environment, especially this morning, which is filled with constant questions, demands, and whining thanks to I. not going to sleep for 2.5 hours thanks to a stupid toy that I allowed her to take to bed with her. Not tonight, that's for sure. I suspect it's going to be one of those days where we're going to be skidding around the corner on two wheels towards bedtime. One of those days where success is determined by the fact that all the mammals of the house are still alive and safe at the end of the day. Some days you finesse, some days you survive. I'll let you know tomorrow what today winds up being.

The swirling part of my internal life is due to a lot of work tasks for a couple of clients hitting all at once. Not only that but all of them require me to follow up several times to get all the info that I need to actually complete the task. It's like having many plates spinning at one time. Additionally, it just seems like something is building up with my parents - their health, my sister etc. and it's concerning me. I can't put my finger on it but it's there in the background.

The silence part comes from a dream I had this morning. There was a funeral for someone that I was at and Mark showed up and I was so full of joy to see him. We hung out and talked and how happy I felt is indescribable though I still have the memory with me of how good it felt. Then I opened a card and music started playing and we thought that was so neat. Mark was sitting right next to me and I handed him the card so that he could open the card too. But when he opened the card, there was just silence. He looked at me and I at him, and we just sat there puzzled. Then we both became sad and he was gone.

It's so hard to start a day this way. I try to concentrate on how joyful I felt but it just makes me feel worse in a way because it was just a dream and I'll never be able to sit next to him, feeling happy and content because we're together. But the day calls and so does I. so I get myself up, get ready, and make it through the day because that's what you have to do when you're an adult.

Culmination of Events

It wasn't that today was a bad day, my psyche just feels like it was. Mainly, it was just a culmination of things that ended me up not feeling great by the end of the day. We went to a playdate this morning which was a good thing because we haven't been able to for awhile. The only bad thing is that that meant I couldn't go to the gym for the second day in a row. I'm already feeling slightly disgusted with myself so not going to the gym does not help.

Right before we left the playdate, I. got her hand accidently slammed in the patio door and seeing her in pain and knowing how much that had to hurt kind of wiped me out. It also caused us to leave later than I wanted to and we ended up racing home to make it for a 1pm appointment at our house. On top of this, my lunch was basically whatever I grazed on at the playdate and after a month of eating for energy, this kind of "lunch" made my energy level dip to nothing and I had a headache. The appointment lasted longer than I expected so we only had 30 minutes to rest before we had to go to a doctor's appointment for this painful mouth condition I've had 3 times in the last 6 weeks.

I got up from the rest time still tired, headachy, and irritable and we headed to the doctor's office. They want to weigh me and I'm really not in the mood for it. Especially when their scale shows me about 5 lbs. more than the scale at the gym - WTF?! Now I'm really pissed off and then the nurse practioner says to just get some OTC remedy to fix this - I paid $25 for this?

Then Mark's guy friend, Brian, leaves a message that he talked to Jodi earlier this week and that the headstone is installed but that he was not allowed to tell anyone until today because yesterday was their wedding anniversary and she didn't want anybody else there. Okay, understood but it still reeks of control issues and that irritated me. He also mentioned that the conversation included a lot of anger about Mark's family which ticks me off still. I've been struggling with the fact that I haven't called Jodi and seen how she was and I've felt guilty about it. But the fact remains that I don't want to give Jodi the opportunity to try to use me as a tool or weapon against Mark's family and I don't want to hear her anger and hatred towards them. I have enough of the negativity from my own family, I don't need it additionally from someone else's family.

But the fact remains that I feel as though I'm letting Mark down and letting his son down in some way. Hopefully Brian and I can talk sometime next week and I can get the full scoop on his conversation with Jodi and then maybe I can gauge things a little better. Really, the bottom line of today is that Mark's not alive. While I'm glad his headstone is finally there to honor him, I wish I could look up across a room or just right next to me and see his warm, supportive smile and hear that chuckle that I've heard so often. We were really a good team, Mark and I, and I miss him so much.

Rude Awakening

After my "balls to the wall" day yesterday and the knowledge that I have many more of those in the next 2 weeks, I shouldn't have been surprised that my brain translated the chaos into a slew of unpleasant dreams last night. Dreams that involved me on the back of a motorcycle going too fast, almost slipping off at every turn on a dark, traffic-filled road. Dreams of somebody asking me why I was upset and me replying, "Because Mark just died last week." It took me awhile to fall asleep after that one but I finally did only to be woken up by I. crying and sobbing at the top of her lungs, screaming "Baby Bear!" He had the audacity to fall out of her bed out of her reach and though there are 20 other stuffed animals for her to play with, Baby Bear is her special lovey so there was no consoling her. Of course, some of this reaction I suspect is due to I. falling asleep last night. The combination of the class stuffed animal going home with us and her excitement about the special "camp" she's going to this morning before class didn't help in that regard.

I know all this but honestly after those dreams and the fact that it was too early, I went in there, took her diaper off and told her to read books for a little while until I came back in. Then I climbed back in bed to try to recreate a more relaxed and leisurely version of waking up. Even with the cats stomping all of the bed (and me) with their demands of breakfast, I was able to pull it off after 20 minutes and got up less grumpy.

Today is not as hectic but still busy. After I drop I. off at her camp this morning, I've got to go find a birthday present for a party tomorrow and pick up some flowers for my grandfather's grave (his birthday is tomorrow). Then home to make some phone calls and have a peaceful lunch (looking forward to that!) and then off to the dentist before picking I. up at preschool. That dentist appointment had better go REALLY well considering the amount of work I've been putting in. If they still say there are gum issues, I'm going to be so pissed off. To complicate things, the corner of my mouth split open yesterday and it's painful to open my mouth even a little bit, let alone all the way like the evil dental tech requires. So it should be interesting. As though I needed anything else to dread besides just the dental appointment itself!

Anticipating A Tough Day

Tomorrow should prove to be an interesting day for many unrelated reasons. First, I'm still under the weather which always make the day that much more challenging. Second, V. should find out tomorrow if the jerks out in Saudi will finally give approval to "go live" which has to happen before he can come home. Meanwhile, his time off is slowly ticking away and his trip to China is getting closer. Extremely frustrating to say the least. Third, my mom, who has been having some serious health problems, will be getting results back from tests she had done last week and hopefully things will be okay and can be corrected.

Last but definitely not least, tomorrow Mark would have turned 40. I miss him. I wish we could have approached this milestone birthday together. We both had minor issues with birthdays and having each other there being the same age always helped. Tomorrow morning I. and I will go get some purple (his favorite color), yellow, and white flowers and take them to his gravesite. I will try to keep in mind that this is such a good opportunity to teach I. that it's sad to lose a friend but that death is not a frightening thing in and of itself. When she asked what we were doing tomorrow (as she always asks), I told her that we were going to take flowers to where Mark's body was in the ground. She said, "But Momma, Mark's in heaven!" and I agreed with her that his soul, what made him my friend, was in heaven with God but he had to leave his body here with us on earth. Then we talked about how he would be looking down from heaven and would see us bring him flowers. Her face lit up and she said, "Ooh, Momma, he's gonna like our flowers!" That innocent comment from such a sweet heart almost did me in. We'll see how well I do tomorrow - it'll be the first time I've been to his gravesite since he died so I anticipate lots of memories coming to mind.

A Little Bit Hard

Last Friday on Oprah, Patrick Swayze's wife, Lisa Niemi, was on the show talking about the book that the two of them had written together about their life together. I Tivo'd it so I could watch it later.

Unlike most shows, this one I can only watch in 15 minute intervals because it makes me feel raw. Not like I'm being overcome by despair but to hear her experiences in the last days with him, were so similar, even down to the heart taking a long time to shut down, that it brought back a lot of pain.

There were moments of comfort too though. She was talking about how initially she thought she should approach the diagnosis in a way in which there were some lessons to be learned. Then she realized that was ridiculous because she thought this whole situation was horrible and it sucked and so she just let herself "be". Now however, she said she had learned one lesson so far and that is to not wait to do things. That is exactly the lesson I've learned from Mark's death too, probably the only one I'm really aware of so far. It was comforting to hear someone else going through many of the emotions and struggles that I've been going through. Sometimes it's hard to be the grieving one in a world full of "normal" people. You can masquerade as "normal" but inside, you know you're still not there and it makes you feel lonely and alone at times. I know, I know it's part of the process and I have to admit that I am in a better place than I thought I would be just a month ago.

Good Memory Making

The last several days, I've been busy making good memories with I. Thursday, we went to Chuck E. Cheese to play, Friday we went on a Hornblower boat cruise, Saturday we had a Country Fair at I.'s preschool, and yesterday we went to the Kidtoons movie in the morning and made Halloween cookies in the afternoon. I know it's not about "doing" all the time with your child, they enjoy just "being" with you so in between these things, we've been reading, snuggling, and putting puzzles together. I'm kind of like a whirling dervish now when it comes to my goal of making memories with I.

Part of this is now that she has started preschool, I see my time just starting to be limited and will get more so as the years pass. I figure it's now or never. Of course, part of it, how much so I'm not sure, is that maybe I don't have very much time left with her, a direct result of Mark dying. You just never know. I try not to dwell on this side of the thought or it'll depress me but on the positive side, having a "now or maybe never" approach to my time with her has been good.

The nights of this weekend were a little tough as they usually are when V. is gone. I find myself struggling with Mark's death more on the weekends too so I've given some thought as to why that might be. Here are my top 3 thoughts:

1. When V. is gone, I miss him which leads the "missing" emotions to spill over onto Mark.

2. I used to call Mark on Saturday evenings when he lived in Seattle and I always remember that on Saturday evenings.

3. Since V. has been gone so much, I. and I would take the opportunity to visit with Mark on the weekends, especially Sundays and that comes to mind every Sunday it seems.

It didn't help that in Sunday's newspaper was an article talking to the friends of a CHP officer who was killed due to a stuck accelerator. I read the whole article and got to the last sentence which read, "The most difficult part is knowing that I can never talk to Mark again."

You know when you do a big exhale and your body just sags forward and down? Well, that was the physical reaction I had when I read that sentence followed by the emotions of disbelief, anger, and then sadness. I cut it out and as I've read it throughout the last 2 days, I now feel some solace in the fact that someone else feels about their Mark how I feel about my Mark. That makes me feel just a little better.

A New Diet

Woo hoo! I've discovered a really great new diet that is guaranteed to melt 10 pounds off of you in 2 short months! Aren't you interested?! No grapefruits, laxatives, or purgings are involved - see, that sounds good already, doesn't it? Nope, all you've got to do is watch someone your own age who happens to be your best friend for over a decade, die right in front you -

S

L

O

W

L

Y


Yeah, that's all it takes. 'Cause today when I got on the scale 2 months to the day that Mark died, I was 10 pounds lighter. I stepped off the scale, said a silent "thank you" to Mark, and went on with my gym workout. Honestly, what else could I do?

So, do I have any takers? Anyone desperate enough to lose 10 pounds in 2 months? Yes, this is a really sarcastic, cynical post. It barely hides the anger that surges up today as I rage against something unseen but so unfair. I miss my friend so very much. The pain may soften but the missing-him feelings intensify as time marches on.

Yes, I Am Aware

Yes, I am aware that tomorrow is exactly 2 months to the day that Mark died. More importantly, I'm remembering coming home 2 months ago at 11:30pm, exhausted and wondering if Mark would still be alive when I woke up. I went to sleep after 1am (I'm a person who needs 8-9 hours of sleep), put the phone next to me in the bed just in case, and was happy when I woke up in the morning knowing that Mark had made it through the night. Now I know the horrible reality of what tomorrow morning 2 months ago would bring but it still doesn't penetrate reality right now.

I'm sure that it will tomorrow. I'll let you know.

Helpful Words from Unexpected Sources

I've been in recent communication with the past teacher of the Mommy and Me class that I. and I were involved in for the past 2 years. She is a therapist by trade and used to work with hospice and was aware of Mark. We just recently had some email contact and in our exchanges, she wrote some things that helped me unexpectedly.

"Grief is hard work. You gave Mark such a gift to be the kind of friend willing to walk that painful road with him. I've seen many people who did not have friends as... brave, selfless, loving. He was lucky to have you.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little bit better. His greatest legacy will be in giving something positive to your life and the lives of others he loved --- not in destroying those lives because of grief. It honors him to find joy again."

When I read it, I felt proud and relieved that I was this kind of friend to Mark because truly that is the kind of friendship we had throughout life, so why not at the end of it as well? Of course, this leads me to think of who will be there to walk me to the end of the road and that scares me since I don't make friends all that easily.

It also made me feel more okay with the fact that I am feeling more like myself and less raw. Yes, the pain is softening. Can I eat 3 full meals a day? No, but that's where I'm at right now. I'm functioning, not miserable and sobbing, and starting to be able to think about the times Mark and I had together during our years together. Yes, that last week, the last long hug, the last time we spoke to each other, the last time we smiled broadly at each other - it all still haunts me. Mostly because all those "lasts" took place late Sunday afternoon and he was dead by Thursday morning. It's just so surreal how fast it happened but even more surreal because it feels/felt like those were the longest 4 days of my life. It's like a bad dream really.

Then I think back to what I.'s teacher said about giving Mark the gift of being a friend that walks that painful road with him and that makes me feel warm inside; not quite happy, just warm. Because I know I did the right thing and that means a lot to me when it comes to Mark. It may have cost me alot personally, but the fact that he knew I was there before he slipped into unconsciousness and was responding to what I was whispering to him towards the end, makes the pain very worthwhile.

Grief is hard work! I have noticed that the nights I have dreams about Mark, I am more exhausted the next day even if I have gone to bed at a decent time and have gotten a little extra sleep. I'll just have to continue my journey and see where it leads me.

Tugging on the Scab

The news of Patrick Swayze dying of pancreatic cancer tugged at my Mark scab. It ripped it off but not all the way off. He made it 4 months longer than Mark, that's what I've been thinking the last two days. The last week I've been remembering a lot of memories about Mark without crying - my last 5 days with him, other memories of when we worked side by side together, and sometimes back to back. It still hurts though but not to the point of sobbing, tearing up yes, but not uncontrollable sobbing. I have to admit, it wouldn't take much to cross that line.

V. is gone again, a lunch with one guy friend delayed from today has been cancelled for tomorrow due to work constraints, and a phone call from another guy friend did not occur today as promised. I feel let down. But V. called me tonight and we had a decent conversation, not deep but at least there was some substance. It's just so hard being 11 hours apart.

I'm feeling the loss of Mark. I could count on him. He had a conscience and a loyalty that transcended anything. If he said he was going to call me, he would. And if I needed to talk to him, he would be there. I so miss that right now and it hurts.

Tomorrow is another day to go off the grid while I. is in preschool and now that lunch plans have been cancelled, I'll have to figure out something pleasant for myself since today was very productive (grocery shopping and laundry). Lunch or maybe reading out by the pool - we'll see what I feel like.

Stormy Weather

Well, it's as stormy as San Diego gets in August. Heard the raindrops and the wind blowing through the trees and retreated to the patio with some candles and my computer. The computer because I got an email from Jodi asking Brian and I to pick the song lyrics that should appear on Mark's headstone. It's going to be beautiful and since she narrowed down the band, I'm listening to different albums and reading the lyrics to see which one hits me as right.

As the wind moves through the trees, the rain stops and I realize just how much I don't want to be doing this. At first blush, it gives me something to do to keep distracted and occupied but eventually, the magnitude hits me that I'm helping design my best friend's headstone and I'm in the prime of my life. Well, before this I thought I was, now I'm not so sure. Mark's death shakes my foundations to the core - I felt youngish, thought I was youngish but he's dead and I saw it happen so how can I possibly believe that now?

I can feel this line of thinking leading to crawling the walls, pacing the patio so I am going to run quickly up to bed and read a book about a mother dealing with the confusing, challenging non-linear journey of grief. I read it and every 10 pages, a sentence jumps out at me and I repeat it to myself like a mantra and think "Yes" because it touches part of the wound inside of me.

Good night.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Here's the good to start things off. Mark's party went really well yesterday with all his good friends showing up as well as his parents. One friend made this really amazing banner that brought Jodi almost to tears and put big smiles on his parents' faces.

There were a lot of good stories, beer, great food, a hidden flask of whiskey (Maker's Mark of course). I did have a good time and stayed from 10:30ish til 6:30.

The bad is that now that all the events are over, I'm not sure what to do. I'm attempting to move on with normal things - cleaning, laundry, the gym, taking care of I. etc. but there is an underlying sadness and depression that no one seems to understand. It seems like unless I am sobbing (which I don't do in front of people), people around me just think I'm doing fine and am expected to act normally in all situations. It reminds me of when I was sick before but always made sure I looked good, that people just assumed I was fine. I let them assume that until it was almost too late. I'm not sure what to do about this but as of August 11th, I will be on my own again with I. for awhile so I won't have to deal with it as much. For now, I'm just exhausted by the evening and then have a ton of dreams for 3/4 of the night.

The ugly is that the train seems to be off the tracks (at least in my view) with V. He came home Wednesday night after I was already in bed and even though he knew I was still awake, he didn't hug or kiss me. We made it through the next day civilly but by that night, I basically had an intervention, reading to him a one page letter of how his lack of care has made me feel the last few weeks and how things need to change. He agreed to go see my therapist on Monday afternoon and acknowledged that every time he goes over to Saudi Arabia, he builds a wall up to survive and it doesn't come down even after he comes home. I felt like we made some headway but then Friday night came and all hell broke loose. He went to work up in LA so he could get the girls finally, the first time all summer. But then he arrived around 8pm. without the girls. I had thought that since they were coming down, we could take 1 car and then when I was ready to leave Mark's party, I'd call V. and have him pick me up. I asked where the girls were and he said they chose to stay home. I asked if it was because of Mark's party and he said "partly". That just pissed me off on so many levels that I won't go into and I made the comment that "I was so sorry I was such a pariah to the Valdez side of my life". Later I said I had better get some taxi numbers so that I could have a ride home from the party and V. made some comment "well, if you're going to drink ALL afternoon etc. etc. etc." and I went fucking ballistic which I rarely do.

I think what set me off is the perceived slur that I had no right to drink all afternoon if I wanted to, if I deserved to. It got ugly after that and while I'm not proud, I think what I said deserved to be said. My life has changed forever as a result of what I've experienced and have gone through and no time soon will I return to normal. If V. wants to act like life is status quo and keep his wall up, there will be a price to pay. Unfortunately, I feel like since I don't have the wall up, it is I that is paying the price, once for Mark and then again for V.

I just keep thinking, "like I needed this shit". That seems to be my mantra now. I thought our marriage was a team that couldn't be broken after all we've been through but now my foundation is shaken and I don't know what to think. At this time, it's extremely disconcerting and just adds to my sadness.

It's Over - Now What?

WARNING - THIS IS A LONG MOTHERLODE OF A POST! (You've been warned!)

Sitting on the patio right now, quietly going over the day's events - so much to digest. I'm full of so many emotions right now that it is actually uncomfortable but I guess that's normal. I am so thankful that all the things I wished for in this morning's post came to pass. There was no drama, the weather was perfect, and a lot of people showed up. On top of that, Brian and I both made it through our eulogies without crying. We had to stop and swallow hard quite a few times but we did it. The interesting thing is that although we never talked about what we were going to write and really haven't spoken to each other before these past 2 weeks, our eulogies were very similar. We even ended with the same exact sentence. Both of them contained funny stories too so there was some laughter which Mark would have liked. At the end of mine, when the Van Halen song started playing, we gave each other a big hug and said "We did it. Mark would have loved that." The families were especially touched and went out of their way to say the nicest, loving things to both of us as did many of his friends. There were a lot of tears during the song but it ended the service perfectly.

Afterwards, we went to lunch with Jodi and her family but it ended up that about 35 of Mark's friends showed up so we sort of had a preview of what Saturday's party is going to be like. Mark has great friends so we really had a good time especially with huge schooners of beer being downed by all. Then Brian and I headed over to the Hettergotts and spent a couple of hours there and Mark's 3 other closest friends showed up and stories started flowing as did more beer and some whiskey that Mark's dad got out. I was put in charge of the whiskey bottle (I didn't have any of that) and declared myself the "bottle bitch". Mark's friends liked that! It's so funny how I really didn't have any interaction with them before but we just all jell. I don't feel like the odd (wo)man out at all. I feel like one of the guys and it's nice. Brian and I have really bonded and that is comforting to both of us I think. It's as though we're two sides of the same coin. I hope we can continue being friends and not only help each other with the healing process but help the Hettergotts and Jodi as they make the painful transition.

So for all of this, I am so thankful but I don't feel happy and that's the disconnect of emotions. I feel sad, mournful, and am hurting. I feel like I lost the one person in my life who knew how to be when I was sad and hurting without me having to spell it out line by line and then demand that it be followed. Our relationship was always so easy - much of it was based on an intuition we had about each other that could never be explained. We didn't have to think of what to say or how to be, because if we trusted our instincts, it was always right. We could go weeks without talking during the busy times of our life and then pick up the conversation right where we left off. Again, always easy.

That's the thing I mourn the most especially now since I'm going through one of the most difficult times in my life and I don't feel like I'm getting what I need. Don't get me wrong - when it comes to all of the logistics for I. the past week and a half, everyone has been great and very helpful. The kindness showed in that regard was so helpful and allowed me to not worry about her as I tried to be there for Mark and family as much as possible. And I have had about 4 friends who have really made it a point to check in on me and send encouraging messages and that has helped me tremendously. Aside from that though, my parents and V., who should be my primary sources of emotional support, have been frustrating at best to pissing me off. Don't get me wrong, my parents have helped tremendously with taking care of I. and coming to the funeral today so that I would have somebody. The only thing that frustrates me about them is they don't want to let me grieve. Maybe it's just a parents' thing or maybe it's their avoidance of anything negative but it doesn't help me at all. When I came home last night after 4 hours at the viewing, my mom didn't really ask me about it and was talking about I. and then gave me a bunch of funny emails my dad had collected for me to read "when I was really down." I bit my tongue because I know they mean well and they have really been helping me the past week but it pissed me off. For one, "when I was really down"? You think maybe I'm already there and have been for awhile? Try watching someone you love, the same age as you, with his life cut way too short, fight to live for 3 days - hold his hand, stroke his hair, kiss him while whispering it's okay for him to go now, that everything is okay even when for you and his family everything is so NOT okay. It changes you. This is not the natural order of things. I've went through this with my grandfather two years ago and it was really sad. I felt extremely bad for my mother and cried for her since she had just lost her mother the year before. But it was so different because they got to live their lives, hold and raise their children, enjoy their grandchildren, and have good, long lives. Mark didn't and I'm angry for him, for Jodi, for Hunter, for his awesome friends, and for me because we had so much more to talk about, laugh about, and be supportive of each other. So, going back to my parents, I feel like saying "Let me grieve, I want to grieve, I need to grieve, let me be."

That's been another thing that has made being around Brian and Jodi comforting is because we're all suffering so we're experiencing the same things. Last night I said to Brian "How's your appetite?" He said it was greatly reduced and asked about mine. I said "Pretty much can't eat." Jodi's been in that same boat too. Then he asked how my sleep was and I said "Vodka and herbs have been helping once I finally get to bed." He said he wasn't sleeping much at all. It made me feel like what I'm physically going through is okay instead of having to defend and explain it all.

V. is a whole story by itself. At this point, I don't know what to think and am so overwhelmed that I can't think about it in its entirety right now. It's one thing not to be here physically, it's another not to be here emotionally. Never once has he said "I wish I could be there", "I wish I could hug you" and I don't get it. When we were driving him to the airport Sunday after being home 16 hours, he asked me in a irritated sort of way "What, you want me to not go?" and I said, "Yeah, that's exactly what I want you to do." He didn't say anything but had an annoyed look on his face and I didn't want to fight before he got on a plane or in front of I. so I dropped it. Then last night he didn't call at all and he knew about the viewing. Before I went to bed around 11:30, I left a message for him crying that I couldn't believe that he didn't call when he knew how hard the day was going to be. He finally did call around 1:30 this afternoon after he got to the airport, didn't mention my message, but finally asked the question I've been telling him for over a week that I want him to ask "How are you doing?" Whenever we would talk, he wouldn't even ask what was going on and the only thing he would say in regards to me personally was "Hang in there." I finally put a stop to that and told him the next time he said that without asking how I was, I was going to hang up. Today, I told him that I would probably be in bed before he got home and that I was exhausted and needed him to get I. up tomorrow and he agreed and said he would be very quiet tonight. If he had always been like this, then fine, my bad. But when we were dating he was 180 degrees from this and that's why I just don't get it.

Looking forward to Saturday's party for Mark. Before V. left I told him that I didn't care if the girls were there or not, we were going to this party but tonight I'm rethinking that. I think we'll take separate cars so that they can come for some of it and V. can pay his tardy respects to Jodi and the families. Then they can leave and I can thoroughly enjoy myself at Mark's party without worrying that there's 3 people (I know I. would be okay with a playground nearby) suffering from boredom and wanting to leave. I'm not leaving this party until I am ready to go, not because of somebody else. This is what I need and I want to hang out and enjoy Mark's stories without worrying about anyone else. If that makes me seem selfish or bitchy, well then I guess I'm selfish and bitchy. And after going through this without any kind comments from V. or the girls, you know what, that's what you get. Right now, I want to be with the people with whom I can just BE - whether that's laughing or crying, these are the people who are in the boat with me and who I feel comfortable with. If you're not in that boat with me, then that's because of your own actions or lack of actions.

The Morning of the Dreaded Day Has Arrived

Well, here I am the morning of the day I've been dreading since Mark got diagnosed on March 27, 2008. How do I feel? About the way I thought I would - extremely sad, extremely nauseous, and exhausted. I can't change the situation obviously so I guess at this point, all I can ask for is that a lot of people show up, there is no drama, that we have beautiful weather, and that Brian and I do Mark proud with our eulogies. I know there's no hope of both of us getting through them without breaking down so I won't even wish for that. I just hope we cover all the wonderful things that made Mark "Mark", help everyone there remember their good memories with Mark too, and somehow soften the pain for the families. A friend of mine used that word "soften" the other night and I like it and it somehow soothes me. He said the pain of losing Mark will never go away, but it will soften. It's a good word because my pain feels sharp, like it's slicing me inside so it becoming softer would really be a nice thing.

A Hard Day That Ended Well

This afternoon was Mark's viewing and although I tried to take care of myself by going to the gym and then to my therapist's, by 2pm., my stomach was in knots and I was feeling completely exhausted. I went and it was tough going up to see Mark. I've never seen a dead body before and having your first be your best friend who is the same age as you was tough. Honestly, I felt like I was going to throw up. But then, Jodi and I talked about good memories of Mark and as some of his friends came by, we continued that kind of conversation so it wasn't completely sad. Still emotionally draining to say the least but it was okay.

One good thing is that Mark's dad hugged Jodi before they left so that made me feel like things were going to be fine for tomorrow. The other good thing is that there is a supportive friendship beginning between Mark's male best friend, Brian, and I which would probably make Mark happy. We've been talking since Thursday every night, trying to work out logistics for the party on Saturday and keep each other apprised about family matters. Tonight we went outside to talk about the service logistics for tomorrow and we both said how even though we've never talked before, we feel so comfortable talking and joking around with each other. It's like we are the male and female counterparts of Mark's best friend. He was warning me that he would probably be crying the whole time and I was telling him that he was going to "take me out" in terms of me trying to get through my eulogy without breaking down.

As luck would have it, his wife and kids left today and won't be back for a week and V. won't be back until 11pm tomorrow. So, tonight, I gave him a call to see how he was doing on his eulogy and if he was okay in his empty house. It's a good thing I did because he said that after the service and lunch with Jodi tomorrow, he was going to the Hettergotts and they had told him how they wanted to invite me too because I had been such a help through these difficult times and how good a friend I was to Mark but didn't want to cause problems with Jodi. That made me happy to hear them say that about me and I guess I successfully navigated this whole sad thing as Switzerland. So I'll be going over there when Brian goes and I'm glad about that.

I told Brian that before I went home to play Mommy tomorrow, I was going to need a stiff drink. In a way, after all the barstool talks I've had with Mark, it just seemed right. I asked Brian if he wanted to come with me since both of us have had plenty of alcoholic beverages with Mark and it just seemed right going forward that after burying him and making sure that both his families are okay, that Mark's two best friends sit on barstools next to each other, having a drink and thinking of him. It'll never be same but maybe we can offer some unique comfort to each other since we seem to be the flip side of Mark's coin when it comes to friends.

V. didn't call tonight and I'm not sure why and I don't have the emotional energy to dwell on it. I need to practice my eulogy for tomorrow and I'll try to blog tomorrow evening but can't promise anything.

Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Having Some Fun Now

I will update this post tonight but things are just getting better and better. Had to drive V. to the airport this morning and if my stomach wasn't bad enough already, the drive was like an obstacle course. Closed freeways, accidents, traffic, you name it. V. was stressed out about making his flight and I was stressed out that he was stressed out. By the time I dropped him off, my stomach was in agony. Thank God I went to the gym for a little while and that seemed to help a bit.

But then, Jodi called me because she needs some clothing items and a few other things from Mark's parents' house. And we all know how well things are between them, don't we? I also have a feeling, I'm viewed a little like being on the other side since I've been helping Jodi so that makes for a very uncomfortable situation. Anyways, I called over there and talked briefly, as in VERY briefly, with Mark's dad and call me crazy, the reception seemed a wee bit cold. Part of that pisses me off because this situation is of their doing primarily. It certainly isn't my fault. So I'm going over there with a list and I. in 30 minutes and hoping that it doesn't turn into a bad, uncomfortable situation. I just want everything to be nice for Mark, bottom line and if they say or ask me anything, that's what I'm going to say because really, that should be what everyone is working toward at this point. Will update tonight...

UPDATE: So it wasn't too bad over there most likely due to a comment I made on Thursday when the family seemed surprised that Jodi asked me to be the one to go with her to the mortuary and cemetary after Mark died. I told his family that Mark had asked me months ago to promise him that I would help Jodi with things after he died and that was what I was doing. Today when I showed up at his parents' house to get Jodi's things, I gave both of them hugs and everything seemed somewhat okay. When I went to leave, his mom said, "I bet when Mark asked you to help in this process you never thought it would be like this." I sa d, "Yeah, that's true but I'd do anything for him. My main goal is to make sure that the service is how Mark deserves and would like." I really believe in my heart that they just don't understand why Jodi is so hurt and mad though it seems painfully obvious. That's really a tragedy because that means Jodi is in pain, his family is in pain, and I'm in pain as a third person witnessing Mark's family imploding at this volatile time.

Things Are Really Shitty

Thursday was in my top 2 worst days of my life so far, hands down. My last post showed a picture of Mark and I late Sunday afternoon. As fate would have it, that is the last picture I will ever have with him because he passed away on Thursday morning at 10:52 a.m. I state it cut and dry but I am far from feeling cut and dry.

Now I understand why Mark was hugging me so long and hard because just a few hours after I left on Sunday, he began going downhill. By Tuesday midday, I received the call that Mark was in bad shape and I needed to get over there quickly. I got I. to my parents within the hour and got over there. Hospice had brought a hospital bed in for him and I was shocked to see how much worse he looked. Jodi said, "Look who's here." and he opened his eyes. I said, "There's my favorite guy." and he gave me a little smile. For the next 2 days, we sat by his side, holding his hand, stroking his leg, and whispering in his ear that it was okay to go. Both nights, I would come home after 11pm. and sleep with the cell phone next to me, convinced that he wasn't going to make it through the night. But a 39 year old heart has stamina even if the rest of the body is shutting down.

I think the most heartbreaking moment was when Jodi climbed in the bed with him and began sobbing in a way I have never heard - deep, heart wrenching sobs that just make you wince from the emotional pain they are conveying. She began trying to wrap Mark's arms around her to hold her. The hospice nurse and I helped her with his arms and then I held his hands tightly against her back as she just sobbed uncontrollably. As much as I tried to contain it, I was silently crying huge tears uncontrollably because the whole thing was just so painful. So painful in fact that the hospice nurse started crying. That tells you how bad it was. I'm so glad though that I could help her feel that last holding from Mark.

As soon as he passed on Thursday, only Jodi was in there with him. Right afterwards, she called me in first by myself so I could say that final goodbye which I am really thankful for. I told him I loved him, thanked him for being there through my difficult times, to have a good trip and then kissed him. Then the family came in and I left.

After the mortuary came to pick Mark up, Jodi asked me if I would help her get rid of all the medications as per the hospice instructions. So we donned surgical masks and gloves and disposed of the incredible amounts of medication Mark had been taking to survive. After that, Jodi asked if I would go with her to the mortuary so we went and made the arrangements there and the next morning we went together to the cemetary and took care of that. Jodi has asked if I would deliver the eulogy since there will not be a pastor or priest present. I am so very honored but also wising from the depths of my heart that I wasn't having to do this for my best friend. I think I need to do another separate post just on this topic.

On top of all this, there is a major rift between the family and Jodi right now. Since Mark died, they have been unkind towards her and done some things that you wouldn't believe so now there's this huge volatile situation on top of everything else to deal with. I have talked with her family members and also Mark's best guy friend so that we can run interference between the two parties during the viewing (Tuesday) and the service (Wednesday). Mark was the most nonconfrontational person I know and I will be damned if either function turns into a Jerry Springer show. If it did, it wouldn't even feel like it was for him. Another fucking fantastic to have to worry about.

Thursday night was a pretty horrible night for me; last night not as bad because I was trying to start on the eulogy. Tonight V. is home for 16 hours, so I'm keeping it together. But I am so completely exhausted and just am having a hard time catching up with normal stuff. Went to the grocery store today and just got Lean Cuisine dinners for next week if I can even stomach those, got a load of wash in, and tried to clean up the mess in the house. I swear to God at 3 pm. it looked like a foreclosured house or something until I went running around so that V. wouldn't walk into that after being on planes for over 20 hours.

But now I'm exhausted and I know in my bones that Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be as bad as Thursday night if not worse. It scares me to be honest. The things I used to do to cope with extreme anger, unfairness, and sadness are no longer options. So like Thursday, I truly feel as though I'm climbing the walls without any hope of relief. Thank God I have a therapist appt. on Tuesday morning - I strategically scheduled that without knowing just how much I was going to need it. Maybe we can put together a list of things I can do to give me some relief on those 2 nights.

A Shining Example

This morning I. and I went over to spend a few hours with Mark and during that time, there were some moments that will stay with me forever. I'm warning you that this post is going to be long because I want to capture this day in writing so that I'll always be able to recall it.

What a blessing our friendship is and has been. When we are together, it's just so easy and comfortable, like a blanket you had against your cheek when you were an infant and how just feeling it on your skin soothes you, settles you even as an adult. That's how it is when we're together. In our 10+ years as friends, we've been together through a lot of personal difficulties (mine earlier, his now) so we seem to know just what the other person needs and how to communicate that, verbally and nonverbally.

Mark was waiting for me outside when we arrived and I. went into the house to visit with Jodi and the baby. I thought he was just enjoying the warm sunshine but in hindsight, I realize he was waiting for me because he stopped me from going in the house and said "I want to talk to you about something before we go inside." Mark warned me that it was a glum topic (his words) and said "If and when I don't make it, I want you to encourage Jodi to move on with her life and finds someone after a year to make her happy and help raise Hunter." I never thought I would be having this conversation with my best friend on the eve of our 39th birthdays. Nothing can prepare you for this - you just have to deal with it on the fly I guess. So I looked him in the eye, knowing how much this meant to him and what amazing courage it took to say this, and said I would do this for him as long as he gave me some latitude in assessing how Jodi was doing after those 12 months. He agreed and we moved onto another topic that he wanted my opinion on but this was truly a shining example of what kind of a man he is.

The next moment was when we were sitting outside by ourselves for a moment and I was being honest about how I was really struggling with sadness about V. being gone for so long. That may sound strange that I'm talking to Mark about this though not expressing my sadness about him but one, he doesn't need that additional burden and two, he already knows it without me saying anything. Anyways, so I tell him what I'm trying to do to combat the sadness and then I just asked him point blank, knowing that it's okay to ask, "How do you do it? How do you have a smile on your face and an aura of contentedness about you when you're faced with your situation?" And he said that he has his uncontrollable crying moments especially lately when the seriousness of it all catches up to him but he tries to concentrate on the good and keeps busy with short and long term projects that make him happy and give him something to strive for each day. That really helped because that is exactly what I have been trying to do to help cope with my sadness so it made me think that maybe I need to just cut myself a little slack and just let me feel sadness at times.

As we were leaving, Mark stopped me and said that maybe we could get together during the upcoming weeks because Jodi was going to be starting school M-Th in another week and he was going to be taking care of Hunter. I told him to start making a list of all the things he wanted to do because we would be doing them. I am so looking forward to these moments - he with his son and me with my daughter - the wheel truly comes round.

Later this afternoon, I was pondering Mark's request and all of a sudden, a movie I saw a couple of weeks ago popped into my mind and I started to get really excited. The movie was about a young couple who fell in love and then the husband got a brain tumor and died within a year. However, during that year, he wrote letters and set up events and other things that were mailed to the wife (with the help of a friend) for that first year without him, encouraging her to get on with her life. It was really amazing so I called Mark up tonight and told him about this movie and that I was planting the seed in his mind to germinate. I could tell he was really jazzed about this idea and he asked me if I wanted to be the one to help him do it and I said "We've always been partners in crime so absolutely." Another thing I never imagined in my wildest dreams he and I would be talking about but here we are and excited to be conspiring together in what may be the biggest coup in our lives. By doing this, we would be transcending death in a way to reach out and touch Jodi's shoulder for one additional year; to give her one more year with Mark - what in life can top that?