I want to capture these memories of D. He got his first band aid on his forehead thanks to splitting his forehead on the corner of a stool. He calls this a "ba-boo". Next, he likes to announce daily routines such as, "After sleepie-sleepie, I eat the fruita downstairs." He requires that you repeat back what he says to ensure you understand. He's all about music. He loves his music class and picks up lyrics and notes of favorite songs on the radio. He sings along and recognizes tunes without lyrics. He may be the next American Idol for all I know. This boy knows his cars (bat-bats). While we are driving, he can point out cars which are the same model as my car, Daddy's car and Bubbi and Bobbi's car even if they are a different color. Pretty observant and impressive.
My back was injured back on February 6th. That's why I haven't posted. Suffered greatly for a month until I insisted on an MRI which came back with two herniated discs, one of which is pushing on a few nerve roots. Yes and that's exactly what it feels like. Extreme pain...nose running, eye watering pain and this from someone who made it through 30 hours of labor med-free with 3 hours of pushing. At least there was a reward at the end and I knew it would end sometime. This pain has been over a month, 24/7, making my D. feel upset because I couldn't hold him like I normally do. That's when I got mad and started demanding that something start happening to fix this. Enough is enough. I won my primary care doctor over and she and I have been working together to try to move things along for pain relief and ultimate healing. It's going to be an uphill battle with the insurance climate these days but I'm cautiously hopeful.
On a very sad note, a long time friend of mine's wife died this week from pancreatic cancer. We used to be so close but for the last couple of years it's truly been hit or miss. I understood that he had a lot going on but when someone says they'll call me right back when I call on their birthday and they don't call for 5 months, something's up. To put things in perspective, this guy was my best friend back in the day and even after I. was born, we would meet every so often for coffee to catch up. However, his wife was diagnosed with cancer right at the same time D. was born - the last time we saw each other was 2 months before he was born. When I would talk to him, he'd say we have to get together for coffee/lunch but it never happened. D. will be 3 this year and neither of my 2 remaining guy friends has ever met him. Kind of hurts. But I got off on my own tangent while the point was that my friend lost his wife tragically. Their youngest boy is graduating from high school in June. It just makes me so sad for their sons and for my friend. I'll send them a card and say a prayer for them.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Swirling
I just don't have the energy to go into all the details of the last week and a half. There just is so much going on and it's no surprise that my dreams and nightmares are alive and well.
To catch up, I had to toe the line of pissing V. off for a couple of weeks until he finally agreed and scheduled time to go visit his dad. Now that his dad's bone cancer is terminal, V. won't deal with it meaning he won't communicate at all with his parents and was balking at going over there. I had to get down and dirty with him and tell him to stop acting like an unfeeling a-hole because I knew he wasn't. Finally he relented and will be visiting for 4 days at the end of this month. Then we will be out there for a couple of days the following weekend for a Giants game and to visit. I just feel so much responsibility for keeping tabs on his family and giving them support. Last week I was on the phone with his parents for awhile, giving support to his mom and making his dad laugh with my outlandish comments. What's interesting is that before I make these kind of calls, you know the ones that may be awkward or uncomfortable because of dire health situations, I'm always anxious because I want to say the right things and not make the other person feel uncomfortable. At this point, people are already very uncomfortable physically and emotionally with all they are dealing with. Somehow though in these situations I put myself in their shoes, send a prayer up to God to help me say the right things at the right time and every single time it's worked out so far. Before you may think I'm tooting my own horn, I'm not because as a rule I'm verbally awkward when I'm not completely comfortable. It's a strange thing and keeps pushing the idea of volunteering with hospice when my kiddos are older.
A momma friend of mine lost her dad last week and it really broke my heart for her. She lost her mom about 8 years ago but thankfully has a great close relationship with her brother. Another reason for having more than one kid! But my heart truly aches for her, I can only imagine her pain since I haven't lost a parent yet. But his quick bout with advanced stage cancer and my father in law's advanced stage cancer brings back many of the memories of when Mark was going through all this.
As of today we are in escrow. We'll see if the third time is a charm. As a result, a very busy week has become even busier because now we have to go looking for houses and quickly. Of course, V.'s travel schedule for the next 3 weeks is insane so the pressure is on me to find the right house for all of us. The good thing is that V. and I have been on the same page for the few homes we have looked at together so I feel pretty confident that I know what he would balk at and what he would like. Still though, I hope he can see a house before we make an offer.
Since Saturday D. has had a stuffy nose, most likely caught a virus from me that I've been fighting off since last Wednesday. Today he woke up and refused to stand or walk and when I would change his diaper or put him on the ground (so I could wipe myself, mind you) he would sob in pain. Horrible! I got a doctor appointment and it looks like the virus moved into his left hip and with some Motrin and time, he hopefully will get better. The scary part was that the doctor told me to watch him for pain or stiffness elsewhere because if it moved to his neck, he could get meningitis. Yeah, just a small thing.
So this week on top of all normal things, we will have 2 doctor's appointments for D. and 2 vet appointments, one each for the cats. Tomorrow morning while D. naps after I take I. to school, I'm going out with our realtor for a search and destroy mission to hopefully find our dream home. While part of me is sad to leave the home that we brought our babies home to, part of me is excited for: a vegetable garden for me and the kiddos, a backyard period, a play structure in the backyard, a gardenia plant, room to run and play in the backyard, a larger kitchen, a pantry/storage space for kitchen stuff, space for a play area for the kiddos in the house for imaginary play (cooking etc.), a future dog, a completely detached house and the privacy that comes with it, putting up Christmas lights and decorations... the list goes on. I am just praying that the right house for us comes on the market in the next couple of weeks. It doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for us.
To catch up, I had to toe the line of pissing V. off for a couple of weeks until he finally agreed and scheduled time to go visit his dad. Now that his dad's bone cancer is terminal, V. won't deal with it meaning he won't communicate at all with his parents and was balking at going over there. I had to get down and dirty with him and tell him to stop acting like an unfeeling a-hole because I knew he wasn't. Finally he relented and will be visiting for 4 days at the end of this month. Then we will be out there for a couple of days the following weekend for a Giants game and to visit. I just feel so much responsibility for keeping tabs on his family and giving them support. Last week I was on the phone with his parents for awhile, giving support to his mom and making his dad laugh with my outlandish comments. What's interesting is that before I make these kind of calls, you know the ones that may be awkward or uncomfortable because of dire health situations, I'm always anxious because I want to say the right things and not make the other person feel uncomfortable. At this point, people are already very uncomfortable physically and emotionally with all they are dealing with. Somehow though in these situations I put myself in their shoes, send a prayer up to God to help me say the right things at the right time and every single time it's worked out so far. Before you may think I'm tooting my own horn, I'm not because as a rule I'm verbally awkward when I'm not completely comfortable. It's a strange thing and keeps pushing the idea of volunteering with hospice when my kiddos are older.
A momma friend of mine lost her dad last week and it really broke my heart for her. She lost her mom about 8 years ago but thankfully has a great close relationship with her brother. Another reason for having more than one kid! But my heart truly aches for her, I can only imagine her pain since I haven't lost a parent yet. But his quick bout with advanced stage cancer and my father in law's advanced stage cancer brings back many of the memories of when Mark was going through all this.
As of today we are in escrow. We'll see if the third time is a charm. As a result, a very busy week has become even busier because now we have to go looking for houses and quickly. Of course, V.'s travel schedule for the next 3 weeks is insane so the pressure is on me to find the right house for all of us. The good thing is that V. and I have been on the same page for the few homes we have looked at together so I feel pretty confident that I know what he would balk at and what he would like. Still though, I hope he can see a house before we make an offer.
Since Saturday D. has had a stuffy nose, most likely caught a virus from me that I've been fighting off since last Wednesday. Today he woke up and refused to stand or walk and when I would change his diaper or put him on the ground (so I could wipe myself, mind you) he would sob in pain. Horrible! I got a doctor appointment and it looks like the virus moved into his left hip and with some Motrin and time, he hopefully will get better. The scary part was that the doctor told me to watch him for pain or stiffness elsewhere because if it moved to his neck, he could get meningitis. Yeah, just a small thing.
So this week on top of all normal things, we will have 2 doctor's appointments for D. and 2 vet appointments, one each for the cats. Tomorrow morning while D. naps after I take I. to school, I'm going out with our realtor for a search and destroy mission to hopefully find our dream home. While part of me is sad to leave the home that we brought our babies home to, part of me is excited for: a vegetable garden for me and the kiddos, a backyard period, a play structure in the backyard, a gardenia plant, room to run and play in the backyard, a larger kitchen, a pantry/storage space for kitchen stuff, space for a play area for the kiddos in the house for imaginary play (cooking etc.), a future dog, a completely detached house and the privacy that comes with it, putting up Christmas lights and decorations... the list goes on. I am just praying that the right house for us comes on the market in the next couple of weeks. It doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for us.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Day 73
This was supposed to be a post about how I took D. to LEGOLAND waterpark and then picked I. up from my parents after her couple of days with them. So let's address what the post was supposed to be about: D. and I had a good time together at the waterpark. Another day of no tantrums, no angst and just fun all the way around. I. was tired when I picked her up thanks to my parents getting her in bed late both nights but I'm hoping that she gets some restful sleep tonight so that we can enjoy our last summer weekday tomorrow. Still deciding what we are going to do but am leaning towards going to the beach all together one last time...
Now for the bizarre part of this post. On the way to LEGOLAND today, I remembered that I had had a dream about Mark last night and though I couldn't remember specifics, I remembered that I had had it. Fast forward to two hours into our waterpark visit and I'm standing watching D. play. A couple of other little boys start playing next to D. and as I'm looking at them, Mark pops into my mind front and center. It takes me by surprise because I'm not sure why but then think maybe it's because I'm watching little boys play which reminds me of Mark's little boy. A couple of minutes later, I glance about 4 feet from me and see Mark's wife/widow and I realize that the little boy playing next to D. is Mark's son! Since she cut me out of their lives once Mark was gone, I got my fill of looking at him before I said hello. She didn't realize it was me at first and it was awkward to say the least. She did eventually talk to me but that's not what's important. What sticks in my mind is how his eyes were Mark's (which is what made me think of him) and when she said, "Show Papa's friend your Papa smile," and he smiled and it was that little joyful smile of Mark. I know I should have felt happiness that this was his son and he was obviously a thriving, happy kid but instead I just felt a deep, bone-ache grief and the loss like a knife was just shoved through my heart. Tonight I just let go and felt the sadness as memories of us came flooding in and I really think that although I may be coping well overall, I would be coping better if Mark was still here. We just had a way of being there for one another without expectations that created a calming confidence within each other. I think that lack of expectations was due to being great friends and nothing further, it left all the rest of it out.
With the dream, my glance at his son without realizing it was him, and then his son smiling his smile of Mark's at me, it was like Mark caught my mind, my eye, and then my heart respectively. I'm praying that I will see him again and miss my friend terribly.
Now for the bizarre part of this post. On the way to LEGOLAND today, I remembered that I had had a dream about Mark last night and though I couldn't remember specifics, I remembered that I had had it. Fast forward to two hours into our waterpark visit and I'm standing watching D. play. A couple of other little boys start playing next to D. and as I'm looking at them, Mark pops into my mind front and center. It takes me by surprise because I'm not sure why but then think maybe it's because I'm watching little boys play which reminds me of Mark's little boy. A couple of minutes later, I glance about 4 feet from me and see Mark's wife/widow and I realize that the little boy playing next to D. is Mark's son! Since she cut me out of their lives once Mark was gone, I got my fill of looking at him before I said hello. She didn't realize it was me at first and it was awkward to say the least. She did eventually talk to me but that's not what's important. What sticks in my mind is how his eyes were Mark's (which is what made me think of him) and when she said, "Show Papa's friend your Papa smile," and he smiled and it was that little joyful smile of Mark. I know I should have felt happiness that this was his son and he was obviously a thriving, happy kid but instead I just felt a deep, bone-ache grief and the loss like a knife was just shoved through my heart. Tonight I just let go and felt the sadness as memories of us came flooding in and I really think that although I may be coping well overall, I would be coping better if Mark was still here. We just had a way of being there for one another without expectations that created a calming confidence within each other. I think that lack of expectations was due to being great friends and nothing further, it left all the rest of it out.
With the dream, my glance at his son without realizing it was him, and then his son smiling his smile of Mark's at me, it was like Mark caught my mind, my eye, and then my heart respectively. I'm praying that I will see him again and miss my friend terribly.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Yucky Conversation
A brief intermission in my "Days of Summer" postings. I've been busy editing the over 200 pictures I had on my camera from the past month/month and a half. It's so time consuming but also is nice because it brings back all the good memories and great pictures of our fun times. But it has derailed me from my summer postings. Planning on doing a catch up shortly.
Today has been an anxiety inducing day and now I'm not looking forward to a conversation with V. when he calls tonight. The lesser of the stresses (kind of) is that my dad has been suffering from polycythemia which is too many red blood cells for about 5 weeks now. That may not sound like a problem but it is, can lead to strokes, blood clots, heart and lung damage etc. They've just been kind of burying their heads like always figuring it would get better so no real rush. Then this morning, he gets out of the shower and looks at his ankles and all his blood vessels had broken down there so there is blood all under the skin. So he goes for another blood test and it's even worse! They said he needs to have 4 pints of blood removed (not all at once) in order to get the numbers to where they should be. I got so mad and I think it finally made them take some action because hopefully he will be able to get in tomorrow and give some of that blood.
The more dire situation has to do with V.'s dad. On Tuesday night I sent him some pictures of V. from this summer because when we were at their house, I showed him some pictures on my camera and he specifically wanted one of V. Wednesday morning, I got an email from his mom thanking me and saying that today was the last day of the second round of radiation and that he would be starting chemo in a few days. This was different than what V.'s brother had told us so last night when I saw his brother on FB, I checked in with him and asked about it. Turns out that the cancer is back in his skull which is dismaying because that was really quick. They can't do radiation to his skull for another year so chemo is the last ditch resort to trying to remove it/slow it down. His brother was asking when V. was home because he needed to ask him a question either tonight or tomorrow. I told him that I needed to be able to tell V. what is going on first so I'm going to have to tell him tonight over the phone and his brother is going to call him tomorrow night. I really was hoping to wait until V. was home and tell him in person but I'm not going to interfere with his brother needing to call him either. I guess it can't be helped but still not looking forward to it at all.
I sent his dad an e-card, kind of a funny one but more like a tongue in cheek and told him that we were praying for his strength, healing and physical comfort and signed it as his favorite daughter in law which is our joke because I am his ONLY daughter in law and he calls himself my favorite father in law. I got an email back from him today that said,
Brought tears to my eyes and also pain to my heart. I asked I. to make him something today and she did so in such a big way that I had to use a manila envelope to fit it all in. I'm feeling that heightened sense of anxiety where I just get a feel like something bad is about to happen. I can be driving and it just comes out of nowhere and then I realize it's because of his dad and that it's bringing up what happened with Mark and it scares me because I know how fast it can happen. One afternoon you can be hanging out and a few hours later, the death spiral begins. On top of this, I just don't know how to help V.. This after 10 years of marriage. But honestly, V. has no clue how to help himself let alone know how I can help him. I'm just going to have to pray hard for insight, intuition, and patience and let God lead me in the right direction. Kind of like the same thing I need to do about this house sale, come to think of it.
Today has been an anxiety inducing day and now I'm not looking forward to a conversation with V. when he calls tonight. The lesser of the stresses (kind of) is that my dad has been suffering from polycythemia which is too many red blood cells for about 5 weeks now. That may not sound like a problem but it is, can lead to strokes, blood clots, heart and lung damage etc. They've just been kind of burying their heads like always figuring it would get better so no real rush. Then this morning, he gets out of the shower and looks at his ankles and all his blood vessels had broken down there so there is blood all under the skin. So he goes for another blood test and it's even worse! They said he needs to have 4 pints of blood removed (not all at once) in order to get the numbers to where they should be. I got so mad and I think it finally made them take some action because hopefully he will be able to get in tomorrow and give some of that blood.
The more dire situation has to do with V.'s dad. On Tuesday night I sent him some pictures of V. from this summer because when we were at their house, I showed him some pictures on my camera and he specifically wanted one of V. Wednesday morning, I got an email from his mom thanking me and saying that today was the last day of the second round of radiation and that he would be starting chemo in a few days. This was different than what V.'s brother had told us so last night when I saw his brother on FB, I checked in with him and asked about it. Turns out that the cancer is back in his skull which is dismaying because that was really quick. They can't do radiation to his skull for another year so chemo is the last ditch resort to trying to remove it/slow it down. His brother was asking when V. was home because he needed to ask him a question either tonight or tomorrow. I told him that I needed to be able to tell V. what is going on first so I'm going to have to tell him tonight over the phone and his brother is going to call him tomorrow night. I really was hoping to wait until V. was home and tell him in person but I'm not going to interfere with his brother needing to call him either. I guess it can't be helped but still not looking forward to it at all.
I sent his dad an e-card, kind of a funny one but more like a tongue in cheek and told him that we were praying for his strength, healing and physical comfort and signed it as his favorite daughter in law which is our joke because I am his ONLY daughter in law and he calls himself my favorite father in law. I got an email back from him today that said,
This is let you know that your card did put a smile on my face and filled my heart with so much Love for your thoughtfulness and words. I also want to tell that the pictures you sent were great and I love them. Please give everyone there a big hug and a kiss for me. Remind my son how lucky he is to have such a great woman by his side, you are one of a kind as far as I'm concerned.All my LoveVic
Brought tears to my eyes and also pain to my heart. I asked I. to make him something today and she did so in such a big way that I had to use a manila envelope to fit it all in. I'm feeling that heightened sense of anxiety where I just get a feel like something bad is about to happen. I can be driving and it just comes out of nowhere and then I realize it's because of his dad and that it's bringing up what happened with Mark and it scares me because I know how fast it can happen. One afternoon you can be hanging out and a few hours later, the death spiral begins. On top of this, I just don't know how to help V.. This after 10 years of marriage. But honestly, V. has no clue how to help himself let alone know how I can help him. I'm just going to have to pray hard for insight, intuition, and patience and let God lead me in the right direction. Kind of like the same thing I need to do about this house sale, come to think of it.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Days 39-42 aka the New York Trip
So behind on posting thanks to our New York trip. While the trip was exciting and fun, I was really missing my kiddos after having so much fun with them in Palm Desert. I guess there are worse problems to be had!
The New York trip was good on many different levels. Good adult time as we interacted with other couples and were by ourselves for the few "work" functions. Great time at the Lion King after a wonderful reception. Got picked up from JFK by a black, top of the line Lexus with a driver - I mean come on, really?! The dinner on Saturday was exquisite and I don't usually use that word. Phenomenal, one of a kind. And both of the full days we were there we walked and walked and walked. Exploring different areas of Manhattan, jumping on the subway to travel further and just having a good time relaxing and wandering. Both days lunch was grabbing a Sabrett's hot dog on a corner and eating it as we continued walking.
The only bummer (and it's a real bummer) was that we made a stop on Sunday over at V.'s parents house. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see them. I was the one telling V. we should come back on Monday so we could spend Sunday with them but after being gone for so long and a new job, he nixed that so all we ended up with was 3.5 hours or so. While we were at their house, V. hooked up his computer as soon as we got there to try and check in for his flight the next morning to Phoenix which would be fine except there were problems. He literally spent an hour over at the kitchen table on the computer while I sat in the living room with his parents carrying on a conversation. I have no problem with that except for the fact that his dad is sick and he kept fidgeting around the chair like he was in pain.
Bottom line, as we found out from my brother in law as he was driving us to the airport, is that my father in law has been less than forth coming. He didn't have a brain tumor. He has bone cancer as a result of having prostate cancer for the past 20 years. He could have had better treatment for the prostate cancer over the last 20 years but chose to just take a pill a day. The cancer has spread everywhere and at this point the radiation he is receiving ( a new 12 week regimen that began last week) is only for palliative. If they were to do a CT scan, his entire body would light up...it's everywhere. The radiation is to just keep the pain down and he has pain meds to help with that as well. But basically he's dying. Literally we heard all of this as we approached the airport and we were both stunned. I'm worried for V. because he is his father's son. For that very reason, I told him that I would never allow him to keep me in the dark like that because it is just a horrible thing to find out that you could have done something but it's now too late. V. was so wiped out with all that info that he pretty much slept all the way home.
I'm concerned about a couple of things. I'm concerned for V. How do I support someone who refuses to acknowledge situations or feelings? How do I cope with my own memories of Mark, the pain and anguish that accompanies all of this? How do I support and connect with V.'s dad and how do I involve I. (who is already involved) and prepare her for what is coming? It is bringing up all the thoughts and pain of Mark. I really like V.'s dad (and mom for that matter) and understand him because V. is so much like him.
Good times behind us, tough times ahead.
The New York trip was good on many different levels. Good adult time as we interacted with other couples and were by ourselves for the few "work" functions. Great time at the Lion King after a wonderful reception. Got picked up from JFK by a black, top of the line Lexus with a driver - I mean come on, really?! The dinner on Saturday was exquisite and I don't usually use that word. Phenomenal, one of a kind. And both of the full days we were there we walked and walked and walked. Exploring different areas of Manhattan, jumping on the subway to travel further and just having a good time relaxing and wandering. Both days lunch was grabbing a Sabrett's hot dog on a corner and eating it as we continued walking.
The only bummer (and it's a real bummer) was that we made a stop on Sunday over at V.'s parents house. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see them. I was the one telling V. we should come back on Monday so we could spend Sunday with them but after being gone for so long and a new job, he nixed that so all we ended up with was 3.5 hours or so. While we were at their house, V. hooked up his computer as soon as we got there to try and check in for his flight the next morning to Phoenix which would be fine except there were problems. He literally spent an hour over at the kitchen table on the computer while I sat in the living room with his parents carrying on a conversation. I have no problem with that except for the fact that his dad is sick and he kept fidgeting around the chair like he was in pain.
Bottom line, as we found out from my brother in law as he was driving us to the airport, is that my father in law has been less than forth coming. He didn't have a brain tumor. He has bone cancer as a result of having prostate cancer for the past 20 years. He could have had better treatment for the prostate cancer over the last 20 years but chose to just take a pill a day. The cancer has spread everywhere and at this point the radiation he is receiving ( a new 12 week regimen that began last week) is only for palliative. If they were to do a CT scan, his entire body would light up...it's everywhere. The radiation is to just keep the pain down and he has pain meds to help with that as well. But basically he's dying. Literally we heard all of this as we approached the airport and we were both stunned. I'm worried for V. because he is his father's son. For that very reason, I told him that I would never allow him to keep me in the dark like that because it is just a horrible thing to find out that you could have done something but it's now too late. V. was so wiped out with all that info that he pretty much slept all the way home.
I'm concerned about a couple of things. I'm concerned for V. How do I support someone who refuses to acknowledge situations or feelings? How do I cope with my own memories of Mark, the pain and anguish that accompanies all of this? How do I support and connect with V.'s dad and how do I involve I. (who is already involved) and prepare her for what is coming? It is bringing up all the thoughts and pain of Mark. I really like V.'s dad (and mom for that matter) and understand him because V. is so much like him.
Good times behind us, tough times ahead.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Conflicting Emotions
All day I was painfully aware that D.'s bedtime was approaching and with that, our first bedtime without nursing. It was a good day - swimming class together which we enjoy so much and some playtime and snuggling before afternoon rest time. He enjoyed his bath (as always) and then we were at the moment in time when we sit down in the rocking chair and nurse as the light grows dimmer and dimmer.
Except tonight it was milk in a sippy cup. Thankfully he didn't balk at it probably because he's been enjoying milk in a sippy cup at rest time. Plus I made sure he was holding his blanky which is his version of I.'s baby bear. We sat in the rocking chair with him lying sideways up against me and since he wanted to hold the cup, I was able to wrap both of my arms around him holding him tight. First I went through what we did today and what was fun about it and then I sang to him for another 10 minutes. We looked up at the trees in the window moving in the breeze and watched the light as it grew dim. I felt twinges of sadness but pushed them away and just enjoyed our closeness, thankful for my usual bundle of nonstop motion allowing me to hold him so tightly and for so long. I took the milk and then finished with the same 3 songs that I sing him at naptime and rest time and by then he was completely relaxed and his eyes were struggling to stay open. When I put him in his crib, he just laid on his stomach still holding his blanky and went to sleep.
My emotions are so conflicted. I am so relieved and happy that he didn't cry, he just took it in stride without looking back. I have been praying for God to give him comfort and that he would not be sad. Of course, I prayed for the same exact things for myself. I am so thankful that he feels soothed by me, not just my breast, that I can make him relax and sleepy just by holding him and singing to him. He felt secure and warm and loved enough to accept the change and fall asleep. That knowledge fills me with joy. It makes me feel like as a mother, I am doing right by him and that I am giving him a really great start in life to build upon.
But the joy is mixed in with a huge dose of sadness and I have to stop after almost every sentence I write to cry a little more into a tissue. This is the road D. and I have been on together for 18 months (today!) and it was not an easy road many times but I was not going to give up though there were so many physically painful moments plus others pressuring me/suggesting to me to go to bottle feeding. I'm glad for my stubbornness (maybe one day I'll be glad for I.'s stubbornness?!) because it allowed us to get all the way down this road. And while it is so hard to be standing at almost the end of the road, because we still have our wake up nursing for another couple of weeks, if I turn around and look at the road we have travelled and the tender, beautiful memories that I will always have and have written about in this blog for posterity, it's worth the sadness now. It doesn't lessen the pain, but it makes it worth it.
Except tonight it was milk in a sippy cup. Thankfully he didn't balk at it probably because he's been enjoying milk in a sippy cup at rest time. Plus I made sure he was holding his blanky which is his version of I.'s baby bear. We sat in the rocking chair with him lying sideways up against me and since he wanted to hold the cup, I was able to wrap both of my arms around him holding him tight. First I went through what we did today and what was fun about it and then I sang to him for another 10 minutes. We looked up at the trees in the window moving in the breeze and watched the light as it grew dim. I felt twinges of sadness but pushed them away and just enjoyed our closeness, thankful for my usual bundle of nonstop motion allowing me to hold him so tightly and for so long. I took the milk and then finished with the same 3 songs that I sing him at naptime and rest time and by then he was completely relaxed and his eyes were struggling to stay open. When I put him in his crib, he just laid on his stomach still holding his blanky and went to sleep.
My emotions are so conflicted. I am so relieved and happy that he didn't cry, he just took it in stride without looking back. I have been praying for God to give him comfort and that he would not be sad. Of course, I prayed for the same exact things for myself. I am so thankful that he feels soothed by me, not just my breast, that I can make him relax and sleepy just by holding him and singing to him. He felt secure and warm and loved enough to accept the change and fall asleep. That knowledge fills me with joy. It makes me feel like as a mother, I am doing right by him and that I am giving him a really great start in life to build upon.
But the joy is mixed in with a huge dose of sadness and I have to stop after almost every sentence I write to cry a little more into a tissue. This is the road D. and I have been on together for 18 months (today!) and it was not an easy road many times but I was not going to give up though there were so many physically painful moments plus others pressuring me/suggesting to me to go to bottle feeding. I'm glad for my stubbornness (maybe one day I'll be glad for I.'s stubbornness?!) because it allowed us to get all the way down this road. And while it is so hard to be standing at almost the end of the road, because we still have our wake up nursing for another couple of weeks, if I turn around and look at the road we have travelled and the tender, beautiful memories that I will always have and have written about in this blog for posterity, it's worth the sadness now. It doesn't lessen the pain, but it makes it worth it.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Where Has The Month Gone?
Tomorrow is the last day of January and I swear we just got back home from our Idyllwild vacation. How is it that time goes by so fast? I don't know if it's a function of my age or the fact that I have two young children. Regardless, I try to cherish each of the small, good moments and try to forget all those trying moments.
D. has been sick so the weaning process came to a halt, not unhappily. We are down to the morning and evening feeding. Now that we are less than 30 days away from the Puerto Rico outing, I feel the pressure. Maybe on Monday I'll substitute the sippy cup of milk and hope for the best. Part of me thinks I should try it out on a non-school day for I. so that if he cries a little at bedtime, it doesn't disturb her sleep. However, my mother instinct tells me that I should start it on a day where it is predominately just he and I, that we have time by ourselves to play, read books, and snuggle during the day to lessen the impact at bedtime. So that's what I'm going with. To be honest, I don't know if I would really be pursuing weaning if it wasn't for this trip. If it wasn't a all expenses paid, reward for my husband's hard work, I think I'd forego adults' only trips for as long as it took until he was bored and ready to wean. I know when the morning arrives for us to leave for the airport to head to Puerto Rico and our house is empty of kids, I'll be really excited because it has been awhile...since March 2011. It's just that the road getting there is fraught with emotional pain for both D. and I.
Speaking of emotional pain, V.'s grandmother died on Sunday and he is back in New York to attend the service tomorrow. It's a sad time even though she was 98. There is no age that is good to die. I am monitoring V. from afar and he seems to be doing okay. I look forward to him coming home Saturday afternoon and being welcomed by two excited kids and a happy wife.
D. has been sick so the weaning process came to a halt, not unhappily. We are down to the morning and evening feeding. Now that we are less than 30 days away from the Puerto Rico outing, I feel the pressure. Maybe on Monday I'll substitute the sippy cup of milk and hope for the best. Part of me thinks I should try it out on a non-school day for I. so that if he cries a little at bedtime, it doesn't disturb her sleep. However, my mother instinct tells me that I should start it on a day where it is predominately just he and I, that we have time by ourselves to play, read books, and snuggle during the day to lessen the impact at bedtime. So that's what I'm going with. To be honest, I don't know if I would really be pursuing weaning if it wasn't for this trip. If it wasn't a all expenses paid, reward for my husband's hard work, I think I'd forego adults' only trips for as long as it took until he was bored and ready to wean. I know when the morning arrives for us to leave for the airport to head to Puerto Rico and our house is empty of kids, I'll be really excited because it has been awhile...since March 2011. It's just that the road getting there is fraught with emotional pain for both D. and I.
Speaking of emotional pain, V.'s grandmother died on Sunday and he is back in New York to attend the service tomorrow. It's a sad time even though she was 98. There is no age that is good to die. I am monitoring V. from afar and he seems to be doing okay. I look forward to him coming home Saturday afternoon and being welcomed by two excited kids and a happy wife.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Another Eve
It's not New Year's Eve...it's Idyllwild vacation Eve. This time of the year flies by so quickly. It seems like once Halloween hits, it's a race to the end of the end. First Halloween, then I.'s birthday, followed by Thanksgiving and then soon after Christmas and our annual New Year's vacation. Thank goodness D. was born in the summer.
Christmas was relaxed since we didn't have to go anywhere. We just enjoyed watching the kids opening their presents and later played with them before my parents arrived close to noon. We had a good time opening presents and dinner went well except for feeling as though we were cooking in a boat. But my metaphor or analogy (it's too late to look up the correct definition) diffused any stress and my Christmas table turned out well.
Tomorrow we leave for Idyllwild. With my lists and packing ahead of time I feel like I'm in a good place. We'll see how I feel tomorrow at 11am, if I'm in as good of shape. Fingers crossed that things will go somewhat smoothly and at a low stress level.
Also, we have no WiFi at our cabin so I may be incommunicado until we get back. Seeing that I have 3 months of magazines to get caught up on and many books to read, I'll be just fine. I'm hoping for a really great vacation getaway with my family. V. has been home quite a bit from Christmas Eve on so I'm hoping that our vacation will be a continuation of this downtime.
One big thing that came to pass, both a big positive and a somewhat negative, has been that V. made all of his annual goals and thus has made it to the "President's Club" this year. Meaning that we have an all expense paid and loaded up with all sorts of activities' trip to Puerto Rico February 28-March 3rd, 2013. I'm excited yes but I have to admit when I saw the email, my first response was to tear up thinking that I had to get D. weaned by then. It's doable but since he's sick now, it's going to require an accelerated schedule since I'm not eliminating feedings when he's sick.
I have to admit that as I see all the activities we have to choose from and I recognize that this is truly good timing, I'm getting really excited. V. and I haven't been away by ourselves since March 2011 (and that was with D. in my tummy) and I have read that 18 months is the "perfect" time to wean which would be February 6th. I think it's especially opportune time that this year happens to be the year they have this celebration in Puerto Rico. The heritage of V. and the site of our honeymoon... very fitting.
Still, I'm feeling grief and wondering if there's a way to continue nursing D. after a 5-6 day vacation. I don't want to wean him based on our needs, I'd like to wean D. based on his needs but I'm not sure that's going to work.
Christmas was relaxed since we didn't have to go anywhere. We just enjoyed watching the kids opening their presents and later played with them before my parents arrived close to noon. We had a good time opening presents and dinner went well except for feeling as though we were cooking in a boat. But my metaphor or analogy (it's too late to look up the correct definition) diffused any stress and my Christmas table turned out well.
Tomorrow we leave for Idyllwild. With my lists and packing ahead of time I feel like I'm in a good place. We'll see how I feel tomorrow at 11am, if I'm in as good of shape. Fingers crossed that things will go somewhat smoothly and at a low stress level.
Also, we have no WiFi at our cabin so I may be incommunicado until we get back. Seeing that I have 3 months of magazines to get caught up on and many books to read, I'll be just fine. I'm hoping for a really great vacation getaway with my family. V. has been home quite a bit from Christmas Eve on so I'm hoping that our vacation will be a continuation of this downtime.
One big thing that came to pass, both a big positive and a somewhat negative, has been that V. made all of his annual goals and thus has made it to the "President's Club" this year. Meaning that we have an all expense paid and loaded up with all sorts of activities' trip to Puerto Rico February 28-March 3rd, 2013. I'm excited yes but I have to admit when I saw the email, my first response was to tear up thinking that I had to get D. weaned by then. It's doable but since he's sick now, it's going to require an accelerated schedule since I'm not eliminating feedings when he's sick.
I have to admit that as I see all the activities we have to choose from and I recognize that this is truly good timing, I'm getting really excited. V. and I haven't been away by ourselves since March 2011 (and that was with D. in my tummy) and I have read that 18 months is the "perfect" time to wean which would be February 6th. I think it's especially opportune time that this year happens to be the year they have this celebration in Puerto Rico. The heritage of V. and the site of our honeymoon... very fitting.
Still, I'm feeling grief and wondering if there's a way to continue nursing D. after a 5-6 day vacation. I don't want to wean him based on our needs, I'd like to wean D. based on his needs but I'm not sure that's going to work.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Horrible Nightmare
I had one of my worst vivid dreams this morning. I'm not kidding. It was so bad that when I was telling V. about it tonight at dinner (yes, he actually was here for dinner), I started sobbing and this was over 12 hours later. This was the nightmare.
We were at home and I was standing on top of our roof (come on, it was a dream). Just below our roof but still 3 stories up was a flat patio area full of people including V. I. came running out on the patio, saw me, called out "Momma", and then started running towards me. There was no walls around this patio and she ran right off the edge because she was staring right at me. V. tried to grab her with one arm, then with the other, and as I screamed, I watched her fall down 3 stories and land flat on her back on a wooden deck. It was a horrifying sight and was so vivid that it makes me cry even now as I write it.
I ran down to where she was and cradled her in my arms. Her legs and arms were twitching and only one of her eyes was open. I was telling her how much I loved her. Running through my mind was that there may be hope because she landed on the wood deck rather than the pavement and then her other eye opened up. However, I knew that she probably had internal injuries and needed medical help now so I was screaming for 911. This is when I woke up, screaming.
I don't even know how to end this post. Maybe with the fact that we had a fun packed day today. I. had sports class this morning, then off to the chiropractor to put me back together again, then a lunch picnic in the car and a frozen yogurt treat before we headed off to a pumpkin patch fair to meet my mom for the afternoon. I was thankful to be able to spend time with I. today after such a horrible dream but it still doesn't erase my emotions and memories. I wonder if there is some way to manipulate the memory of a dream to just be a dream and take the feeling of reality out of it?
We were at home and I was standing on top of our roof (come on, it was a dream). Just below our roof but still 3 stories up was a flat patio area full of people including V. I. came running out on the patio, saw me, called out "Momma", and then started running towards me. There was no walls around this patio and she ran right off the edge because she was staring right at me. V. tried to grab her with one arm, then with the other, and as I screamed, I watched her fall down 3 stories and land flat on her back on a wooden deck. It was a horrifying sight and was so vivid that it makes me cry even now as I write it.
I ran down to where she was and cradled her in my arms. Her legs and arms were twitching and only one of her eyes was open. I was telling her how much I loved her. Running through my mind was that there may be hope because she landed on the wood deck rather than the pavement and then her other eye opened up. However, I knew that she probably had internal injuries and needed medical help now so I was screaming for 911. This is when I woke up, screaming.
I don't even know how to end this post. Maybe with the fact that we had a fun packed day today. I. had sports class this morning, then off to the chiropractor to put me back together again, then a lunch picnic in the car and a frozen yogurt treat before we headed off to a pumpkin patch fair to meet my mom for the afternoon. I was thankful to be able to spend time with I. today after such a horrible dream but it still doesn't erase my emotions and memories. I wonder if there is some way to manipulate the memory of a dream to just be a dream and take the feeling of reality out of it?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Short But Sweet
I may only have been a friend to Mark according to his territorial, narcissistic wife but I was closer to him than many spouses are - without sex and arguments. I saw this quote and it struck me as true:
"For one moment, our lives met, our souls touched." Oscar Wilde
Our one moment lasted for 11 years. No, I never could have been his wife - we both knew that and I still know that now. Marriage-wise we were incompatible but as far as two souls in sync with each other, we knew instinctively exactly what the other needed when they needed it. Whether it was encouragement, humor, a stiff drink, a serious talk, or just silence somehow we knew what was needed. We didn't think about it beforehand, we just trusted that our instincts would be right and they were. Many times after Mark was diagnosed and there were difficult things to talk about I would stress about it beforehand. But then I'd remember that somehow I would always say the right thing at the right time and that it would be okay. I'm not sure if it was instinctual or a small help from God, but regardless it always seemed to come happen.
I finally told him that I loved him in the last year he was alive and he said he loved me too. That's good enough for me.
"For one moment, our lives met, our souls touched." Oscar Wilde
Our one moment lasted for 11 years. No, I never could have been his wife - we both knew that and I still know that now. Marriage-wise we were incompatible but as far as two souls in sync with each other, we knew instinctively exactly what the other needed when they needed it. Whether it was encouragement, humor, a stiff drink, a serious talk, or just silence somehow we knew what was needed. We didn't think about it beforehand, we just trusted that our instincts would be right and they were. Many times after Mark was diagnosed and there were difficult things to talk about I would stress about it beforehand. But then I'd remember that somehow I would always say the right thing at the right time and that it would be okay. I'm not sure if it was instinctual or a small help from God, but regardless it always seemed to come happen.
I finally told him that I loved him in the last year he was alive and he said he loved me too. That's good enough for me.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
An Exhausting Weekend
Barely made it through Friday, skidded into Mark's party on Saturday afternoon. For Mark's memory it was nice, for his parents it was nice. I'm happy for that. For me sadly, I just felt Mark's absence that much more and again felt that I was the square peg in a world full of circle holes.
There were three distinct groups at Mark's party. On the far left, there was his male friends, gathered round smoking and drinking beer with their wives gathered together right outside the circle. Then there was V., I. and me in the middle by ourselves, then Mark's parents and their friends and rounding out the right hand side was his sister and her contingency. Yes, we did mingle a few minutes here and there with others but by and large it was just V. and I standing by ourselves while I. played chase with the dog. Thank God for the dog or we would have been goners.
I talked to V. after we got I. to bed about how depressing it is to me that I don't seem to fit into any group any more. It's hard to believe these days, but I had groups I felt comfortable in. My work department, my social group, my martial arts circle - I was usually the mentor, the boss, the ringleader - not just a member. This is a role I feel comfortable in, it gives me satisfaction but one that I cannot grasp right now. It's frustrating and lonely. I know that a major part is that women with friendships put into those friendships - they offer help, telephone support, personal support, a genuine investment into relationships. And for this, as they should be, are rewarded with close friendships that they can depend upon.
It makes me question what's wrong with me. I've got one kid, why can't I make a time and energy investment like that if I want close relationships like that? I think it boils down to that's just me - even in preschool and kindergarten, I just wanted one or two close friends. I never have liked spreading myself thin; I like to make my time and energy investment in one or two people. I would rather be really close to one or two people than be friends with many. That's a fine strategy until those one or two people move away or as you get older get married and their spouses cannot except your friendship or they die. By the time you're 40, your friendships become quite limited.
Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Part of me feels too old to be a part of the stuff I enjoyed in the past (violent, physical martial arts) but conjures up the Me of the past. But part of me doesn't quite fit in with being a full-time mother. I need to find a group full-time moms who were past martial arts female fighters or female law enforcement to truly find a group whose experience is closer to mine.
Don't get me wrong - there are several, maybe many mommas that I feel comfortable with in my current group but because of my truncated daily schedule as a basically single momma with a child whose dinner begins at 3:45, unless I want to spend oodles of money on a babysitter, I can't go out and socialize with these ladies on a regular basis and get everything that needs to get done during the week done. Yes, sometimes I feel like I'm in a rat race but that's just how my life is right now. The best I can do is to try to be balanced in scheduling what needs to be done with fun activities. My first responsibility is to I.. In another year, she'll be in school full-time and I'll have more time to myself and if I don't make time for us to play together now, I will regret it then. That is my main prerogative for now. The rest will have to wait.
There were three distinct groups at Mark's party. On the far left, there was his male friends, gathered round smoking and drinking beer with their wives gathered together right outside the circle. Then there was V., I. and me in the middle by ourselves, then Mark's parents and their friends and rounding out the right hand side was his sister and her contingency. Yes, we did mingle a few minutes here and there with others but by and large it was just V. and I standing by ourselves while I. played chase with the dog. Thank God for the dog or we would have been goners.
I talked to V. after we got I. to bed about how depressing it is to me that I don't seem to fit into any group any more. It's hard to believe these days, but I had groups I felt comfortable in. My work department, my social group, my martial arts circle - I was usually the mentor, the boss, the ringleader - not just a member. This is a role I feel comfortable in, it gives me satisfaction but one that I cannot grasp right now. It's frustrating and lonely. I know that a major part is that women with friendships put into those friendships - they offer help, telephone support, personal support, a genuine investment into relationships. And for this, as they should be, are rewarded with close friendships that they can depend upon.
It makes me question what's wrong with me. I've got one kid, why can't I make a time and energy investment like that if I want close relationships like that? I think it boils down to that's just me - even in preschool and kindergarten, I just wanted one or two close friends. I never have liked spreading myself thin; I like to make my time and energy investment in one or two people. I would rather be really close to one or two people than be friends with many. That's a fine strategy until those one or two people move away or as you get older get married and their spouses cannot except your friendship or they die. By the time you're 40, your friendships become quite limited.
Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Part of me feels too old to be a part of the stuff I enjoyed in the past (violent, physical martial arts) but conjures up the Me of the past. But part of me doesn't quite fit in with being a full-time mother. I need to find a group full-time moms who were past martial arts female fighters or female law enforcement to truly find a group whose experience is closer to mine.
Don't get me wrong - there are several, maybe many mommas that I feel comfortable with in my current group but because of my truncated daily schedule as a basically single momma with a child whose dinner begins at 3:45, unless I want to spend oodles of money on a babysitter, I can't go out and socialize with these ladies on a regular basis and get everything that needs to get done during the week done. Yes, sometimes I feel like I'm in a rat race but that's just how my life is right now. The best I can do is to try to be balanced in scheduling what needs to be done with fun activities. My first responsibility is to I.. In another year, she'll be in school full-time and I'll have more time to myself and if I don't make time for us to play together now, I will regret it then. That is my main prerogative for now. The rest will have to wait.
Friday, July 23, 2010
You've Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me Part 2
I woke up this morning not feeling too great after a late night, emotional drama, that extra drink, and the knowledge that today is The Day. I was tearing up as I put my pajamas on but pulled it together to get I. up and fed.
I had just sat down for breakfast when the phone rang and I answered it, thinking it was V. calling us back. It wasn't. It was my dad who tells me that his esteemed friend and mentor who he has been working for unceremoniously eliminated his position yesterday and threw him out on the street. Oh yeah, please send the laptop back too while you're at it.
To say that my dad is crushed doesn't even scratch the surface. He is panicked and hurt beyond words. He trusted this guy and worked for pennies because he was promised another position and stock in the company. This is the third time this has happened to him. This is the third time I've gotten one of these phone calls from him. Sobbing his heart out, saying they'll lose the house, he's a 63 year old loser, etc. On today, of all days. He needs my help updating his resume and I need to do it now because I'm leaving on vacation soon. I will be calling him back in an hour to see what edits he needs. I fully anticipate that this will be another emotional phone call. I am worried about him because I think they are probably not in good shape financially and my father has his value as a person defined by what he has been able to provide for his family.
My stomach is in knots, my blood pressure feels like it's sky high, I am light headed. I'm having to seal all this off into a compartment so that I can still function as a full-time mother and this "act" is making me feel like I'm losing my mind. If it wasn't so horrible, it would be ridiculous, utterly and absolutely ridiculous.
I had just sat down for breakfast when the phone rang and I answered it, thinking it was V. calling us back. It wasn't. It was my dad who tells me that his esteemed friend and mentor who he has been working for unceremoniously eliminated his position yesterday and threw him out on the street. Oh yeah, please send the laptop back too while you're at it.
To say that my dad is crushed doesn't even scratch the surface. He is panicked and hurt beyond words. He trusted this guy and worked for pennies because he was promised another position and stock in the company. This is the third time this has happened to him. This is the third time I've gotten one of these phone calls from him. Sobbing his heart out, saying they'll lose the house, he's a 63 year old loser, etc. On today, of all days. He needs my help updating his resume and I need to do it now because I'm leaving on vacation soon. I will be calling him back in an hour to see what edits he needs. I fully anticipate that this will be another emotional phone call. I am worried about him because I think they are probably not in good shape financially and my father has his value as a person defined by what he has been able to provide for his family.
My stomach is in knots, my blood pressure feels like it's sky high, I am light headed. I'm having to seal all this off into a compartment so that I can still function as a full-time mother and this "act" is making me feel like I'm losing my mind. If it wasn't so horrible, it would be ridiculous, utterly and absolutely ridiculous.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
You've Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me
An unplanned extra drink tonight. I thought today was going well until it wasn't.
Toy Story 3 was good, not too sad unless you were going through empty nest syndrome right now. We both enjoyed the popcorn and some cuddling - that's always good.
The afternoon consisted of getting I.'s stuff in the washing machine, taking one cat to get a shot and then coming home and watching I.'s baby videos on the television. Everything was good until we got upstairs and that reoccuring (lately) problem of backtalking and attitude. raised its ugly head. I've got to find an instant "go-to" response to that, one that works that is.
I. has been up twice hungry (9:30 and 10:15pm) and I've given her food twice. Now I have to stay up to wait til she falls asleep and I can close her door to keep the cats out. Meanwhile, all hell has broken loose...
My friend Terry sent a text message at 5:30 saying, can you go for coffee tomorrow? I was planning on the gym but since Mark's death hit me like a ton of bricks in the shower tonight, I was scared that maybe I would break down at the gym. So I decided that coffee with Terry would be much preferable. Then I thought we would take flowers to Mark's grave in the afternoon seeing that tomorrow is his anniversary. Sounds good, huh?
I got a phonecall/voicemail from Jodi at 7:30 saying the party was cancelled and to keep her and Hunter in her thoughts. Okay, but then at 10pm, Brian (Mark's friend) texts me that he's banned from Hunter and Jodi's life. After a brief text exchange, I find out that I AM ALSO BANISHED because anyone who has anything to do with Mark's party on Saturday is banished from their lives. Tomorrow I hope to talk to Brian and find out exactly what happened.
Not only that, I then go on to FB and see that I've been REMOVED from her friends' list. I still want to take flowers to Mark's grave and I think I still will. I haven't had any convo with Jodi and this is the first anniversary. I want to put flowers on his grave. If she's there, let her bring up the unpleasantry, I'm not going to. I'm there for Mark, not her and her petty, vulgar bullshit. Why, why does this kind of drama and stress have to surround this sad, grieving time?
FUCK HER!
Toy Story 3 was good, not too sad unless you were going through empty nest syndrome right now. We both enjoyed the popcorn and some cuddling - that's always good.
The afternoon consisted of getting I.'s stuff in the washing machine, taking one cat to get a shot and then coming home and watching I.'s baby videos on the television. Everything was good until we got upstairs and that reoccuring (lately) problem of backtalking and attitude. raised its ugly head. I've got to find an instant "go-to" response to that, one that works that is.
I. has been up twice hungry (9:30 and 10:15pm) and I've given her food twice. Now I have to stay up to wait til she falls asleep and I can close her door to keep the cats out. Meanwhile, all hell has broken loose...
My friend Terry sent a text message at 5:30 saying, can you go for coffee tomorrow? I was planning on the gym but since Mark's death hit me like a ton of bricks in the shower tonight, I was scared that maybe I would break down at the gym. So I decided that coffee with Terry would be much preferable. Then I thought we would take flowers to Mark's grave in the afternoon seeing that tomorrow is his anniversary. Sounds good, huh?
I got a phonecall/voicemail from Jodi at 7:30 saying the party was cancelled and to keep her and Hunter in her thoughts. Okay, but then at 10pm, Brian (Mark's friend) texts me that he's banned from Hunter and Jodi's life. After a brief text exchange, I find out that I AM ALSO BANISHED because anyone who has anything to do with Mark's party on Saturday is banished from their lives. Tomorrow I hope to talk to Brian and find out exactly what happened.
Not only that, I then go on to FB and see that I've been REMOVED from her friends' list. I still want to take flowers to Mark's grave and I think I still will. I haven't had any convo with Jodi and this is the first anniversary. I want to put flowers on his grave. If she's there, let her bring up the unpleasantry, I'm not going to. I'm there for Mark, not her and her petty, vulgar bullshit. Why, why does this kind of drama and stress have to surround this sad, grieving time?
FUCK HER!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Making It Through
Nothing exciting going on over here this morning. Yesterday, I successfully made it through Monday's transition back into a single parent for the rest of the week. Every Monday things just seem a little more difficult, complicated, and overwhelming because it's back to being the only adult on duty. Someday, someday, we'll have a more normal life. Of course, I've been saying this same exact thing since February 2005 and I'm still waiting. If you don't have hope, what do you really have?
But that was yesterday and this morning is moving at a leisurely pace. The main event of the day is lunch at Mark's parents' house to go over the final details of his party on the 24th. I actually wish we could have met a neutral location like before, especially with his anniversary looming around the corner because I know when I walk in there with I. I'll be right back to almost exactly a year ago when we went over on a Sunday which will always be known as "Our Last Visit". Everything happened in that house and now I'm going back there today. But what am I going to say to his mom? "Um, yeah, I never want to come to your house ever again because all it reminds me of is Mark, my missing friendship, and those last 3 days of him dying." It's just not something to say to a grieving mother. So I'll just have to hope for the best and concentrate on the party.
But that was yesterday and this morning is moving at a leisurely pace. The main event of the day is lunch at Mark's parents' house to go over the final details of his party on the 24th. I actually wish we could have met a neutral location like before, especially with his anniversary looming around the corner because I know when I walk in there with I. I'll be right back to almost exactly a year ago when we went over on a Sunday which will always be known as "Our Last Visit". Everything happened in that house and now I'm going back there today. But what am I going to say to his mom? "Um, yeah, I never want to come to your house ever again because all it reminds me of is Mark, my missing friendship, and those last 3 days of him dying." It's just not something to say to a grieving mother. So I'll just have to hope for the best and concentrate on the party.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
In Limbo
This week has been a busy one. I. has been in a summer camp since Tuesday from 9-noon so it's been balls to the wall every morning. Not to mention, I've had to set the alarm to wake up early to get her there on time. Oh, I do NOT miss waking up to an alarm. It's been one of the perks the last few years and I am not looking forward to the day when I have to go back to it. For a person who only sleeps decently from 4 am. on, an alarm is pure torture. I'm groggy, disoriented, and out of it. Much rather wake up on my own in between dreams/nightmares.
At night this week, I've been slammed with client work. This client is a hurry up and wait kind of client. Actually, both of my clients are that way. You don't hear from them and then they need everything yesterday. So for the last few days, I've been Momma full-time and then worker bee from 6pm on and I'm pretty tired. I do like to see the invoices increasing though and it's going to be a pretty good month so that's satisfying. However, these two time-consuming tasks delays updating my blog.
Yeah, so the update. Fourth of July turned out wonderfully because my sister didn't show up. So we had a relaxed, fun time playing ping pong and laughing. While I. has been in summer camp this week, I've been working out and catching up on errands. Today though I decided to do something different and go for an hour long hike up Iron Mtn. which was pretty challenging. I really enjoyed it though. I had my Ipod on and somehow scaling those rocky hills gave me the same type of feeling as when I was in martial arts. The physical challenge with a required mental focus (so I didn't twist my ankle or fall) that distracts me from the strenuous exercise. The only bad part was that due to the mistiness of the day, it was pretty deserted which was kind of scary. Considering the domestic violence incident plus the murdering mechanic friend, my fear and anxiety is on high alert. But I got a good workout and enjoyed it immensely. I wish I could do it all the time 'cause I'd be in kick-ass shape without the boredom of the gym.
Afterwards, I went to Mark's grave and laid down to finish reading Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography. I thought it fitting to read Ozzy's book with Mark, plus I hadn't seen his headstone in person and I was right around the corner. It was still misting and gloomy, so I just pulled my hood over my head and face, sat on his headstone and read. Then it was time to pick up I. from camp. I'm kind of in a strange place - the year anniversary is quickly approaching and I'm actively planning this party with his parents. Next Tuesday, I'm going to his parents' house to figure out the last minute details of the party. My mood is definitely down with fleeting thoughts from my depressed days but overall, I'm keeping myself busy and trying to stay focused on positive things.
I wanted to treat myself to something on the last day of I.'s summer camp. Terry couldn't do coffee so instead I'm dropping I. off, heading to a Starbucks with a book, and then getting a massage with my favorite masseuse. I really lucked out on getting on her schedule because she only works certain days and usually she's booked. It's a sign, I think.
At night this week, I've been slammed with client work. This client is a hurry up and wait kind of client. Actually, both of my clients are that way. You don't hear from them and then they need everything yesterday. So for the last few days, I've been Momma full-time and then worker bee from 6pm on and I'm pretty tired. I do like to see the invoices increasing though and it's going to be a pretty good month so that's satisfying. However, these two time-consuming tasks delays updating my blog.
Yeah, so the update. Fourth of July turned out wonderfully because my sister didn't show up. So we had a relaxed, fun time playing ping pong and laughing. While I. has been in summer camp this week, I've been working out and catching up on errands. Today though I decided to do something different and go for an hour long hike up Iron Mtn. which was pretty challenging. I really enjoyed it though. I had my Ipod on and somehow scaling those rocky hills gave me the same type of feeling as when I was in martial arts. The physical challenge with a required mental focus (so I didn't twist my ankle or fall) that distracts me from the strenuous exercise. The only bad part was that due to the mistiness of the day, it was pretty deserted which was kind of scary. Considering the domestic violence incident plus the murdering mechanic friend, my fear and anxiety is on high alert. But I got a good workout and enjoyed it immensely. I wish I could do it all the time 'cause I'd be in kick-ass shape without the boredom of the gym.
Afterwards, I went to Mark's grave and laid down to finish reading Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography. I thought it fitting to read Ozzy's book with Mark, plus I hadn't seen his headstone in person and I was right around the corner. It was still misting and gloomy, so I just pulled my hood over my head and face, sat on his headstone and read. Then it was time to pick up I. from camp. I'm kind of in a strange place - the year anniversary is quickly approaching and I'm actively planning this party with his parents. Next Tuesday, I'm going to his parents' house to figure out the last minute details of the party. My mood is definitely down with fleeting thoughts from my depressed days but overall, I'm keeping myself busy and trying to stay focused on positive things.
I wanted to treat myself to something on the last day of I.'s summer camp. Terry couldn't do coffee so instead I'm dropping I. off, heading to a Starbucks with a book, and then getting a massage with my favorite masseuse. I really lucked out on getting on her schedule because she only works certain days and usually she's booked. It's a sign, I think.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
A Morning of Mark
I'm still basking in the glow of receiving flowers from V. "just because". Skeptic, my alternate personality, has tried to ruin it by wondering what the "real" meaning behind them is but I've been pushing her away and just enjoying.
This morning I'm getting together (finally!) with Mark's mom and sister who requested a casual sit-down to pick my brain about Mark because it appears he was a lot different with his family than he was with me. I guess that's not that unusual though I think my family knows me pretty well. Not everything of course but I suspect they wouldn't need to talk to a friend of mine to find out what I was really like.
I'm not sure what to expect. I'm looking forward to it in a way because it will be comforting to be with people who really understand the pain of losing him. I don't have to minimize or cover up my pain. I don't have to be silent about the dreams I have about him. I can share that and not be concerned that I'm being depressing. So in that way, it will be good.
However, thinking about him and knowing that I'll be talking about him has my stomach in knots. Last night, I got out the cards and pictures I am taking with me to the restaurant and read them and the depth of what I've lost in him was staggering. We were such unique friends. If I ever see a friendship in a movie that even vaguely resembles ours, I'll be sure to buy the DVD.
The important thing of this morning is to give Mark's mom and sister some comfort in knowing what a fantastic guy he really was. Though Mark did not ask me to comfort his family, I've been put in the position to do that for him and I know that would make him very happy especially considering what has transpired with Jodi. Here's to you Mark, my lovely one-of-a-kind friend, may this morning celebrate you!
This morning I'm getting together (finally!) with Mark's mom and sister who requested a casual sit-down to pick my brain about Mark because it appears he was a lot different with his family than he was with me. I guess that's not that unusual though I think my family knows me pretty well. Not everything of course but I suspect they wouldn't need to talk to a friend of mine to find out what I was really like.
I'm not sure what to expect. I'm looking forward to it in a way because it will be comforting to be with people who really understand the pain of losing him. I don't have to minimize or cover up my pain. I don't have to be silent about the dreams I have about him. I can share that and not be concerned that I'm being depressing. So in that way, it will be good.
However, thinking about him and knowing that I'll be talking about him has my stomach in knots. Last night, I got out the cards and pictures I am taking with me to the restaurant and read them and the depth of what I've lost in him was staggering. We were such unique friends. If I ever see a friendship in a movie that even vaguely resembles ours, I'll be sure to buy the DVD.
The important thing of this morning is to give Mark's mom and sister some comfort in knowing what a fantastic guy he really was. Though Mark did not ask me to comfort his family, I've been put in the position to do that for him and I know that would make him very happy especially considering what has transpired with Jodi. Here's to you Mark, my lovely one-of-a-kind friend, may this morning celebrate you!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Memories of Mark
After I took I. to school, I took myself out for a sushi lunch. Next week, I. does not have school so I won't get those breaks that I've been enjoying. Plus, I figured that it was cheaper to "treat" myself while she is in school since I don't have to pay a babysitter. So I enjoyed my sushi and magazine and then headed home to get a few things done and a short rest.
During the short rest, I heard UPS leave something at the door or rather I heard Hootie the parrot begin his best imitation of a very loud car alarm which he does when he sees someone approaching the door. It's actually kind of handy when you're upstairs and might be expecting someone/something at the door.
Anyways, I heard him and knew what it was. It was my Mark book that I made last week and it was here, specifically on my doorstep. Part of me wanted to go look at it but most of me knew that it was not a good idea because I was needing to leave in 10 minutes to pick I. up from school. Right before I left the house, I brought the package in and left it on the table which is where it is now. I'm going to open it now...
It's a beautiful book and I'm so glad I made it. I made it through without crying until our last 2 pictures. Those last 2 pictures just bring the last 5 days flooding back - the raw emotions, pain, the long agonizing journey to death. But again, it is a beautiful book though I WISH I had so many more photos to put in it and I'm so bummed that my wedding picture with Mark wouldn't scan adequately enough to include it. I just went and found 2 pictures from the reception with Mark and I in them so I attached them to the book and maybe I'll see if the wedding photographer (I don't even remember who it was) still has the digital file of that one photo so that I can enlarge and frame it. That would be awesome.
During the short rest, I heard UPS leave something at the door or rather I heard Hootie the parrot begin his best imitation of a very loud car alarm which he does when he sees someone approaching the door. It's actually kind of handy when you're upstairs and might be expecting someone/something at the door.
Anyways, I heard him and knew what it was. It was my Mark book that I made last week and it was here, specifically on my doorstep. Part of me wanted to go look at it but most of me knew that it was not a good idea because I was needing to leave in 10 minutes to pick I. up from school. Right before I left the house, I brought the package in and left it on the table which is where it is now. I'm going to open it now...
It's a beautiful book and I'm so glad I made it. I made it through without crying until our last 2 pictures. Those last 2 pictures just bring the last 5 days flooding back - the raw emotions, pain, the long agonizing journey to death. But again, it is a beautiful book though I WISH I had so many more photos to put in it and I'm so bummed that my wedding picture with Mark wouldn't scan adequately enough to include it. I just went and found 2 pictures from the reception with Mark and I in them so I attached them to the book and maybe I'll see if the wedding photographer (I don't even remember who it was) still has the digital file of that one photo so that I can enlarge and frame it. That would be awesome.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Happy 4th Birthday I.!!
Today was such a bittersweet day on a couple of fronts. It's always hard for me when I.'s birthday comes around though not nearly as hard as that first one when she up and decided to wean me cold turkey the week of her birthday. I concentrate on how happy she is to have a birthday and how proud that she is a year older, but with her being my only one, I realize that this time will never come again and it makes me sad once she's gone to bed. However, today she got to sit in the birthday chair next to her teacher at school, blow out 4 candles, have happy birthday sung to her by her classmates, and finally join the ranks of the 4 year olds. She was so excited and I was glad I could document it all on the video camera. Before school, I. and I made pumpkin cupcakes for her park playdate with her friends tomorrow morning and she's excited about that.
The second front was that we had to take V. to the airport this morning. Thankfully, these separations don't have quite the same emotional impact as they did at the beginning which may sound bad, but after mulling it over, I think it's a combination of her getting older, her having a life outside of the family via preschool, and it just becoming the new normal. She instantly reconnects with V. as soon as he comes home so I'm not really concerned with this change, more relieved that I don't have to deal with the aftermath every time. But it's hard for me in the evenings especially now with the time change, I. goes to bed around 4:15 so it's an even LONGER night - just what I didn't need! A few hours after I drop V. off, I begin missing him and then the sadness over Mark sets in because during these times when V. would be gone, I'd fill some of the time talking on the phone or visiting Mark - it was really the only good thing about V. being gone.
But now V. and Mark are gone, I. is growing up and slowly moving away and I'm just here.
That last sentence really drills down into the core of my pain - past, present, and quite possibly the future.
The second front was that we had to take V. to the airport this morning. Thankfully, these separations don't have quite the same emotional impact as they did at the beginning which may sound bad, but after mulling it over, I think it's a combination of her getting older, her having a life outside of the family via preschool, and it just becoming the new normal. She instantly reconnects with V. as soon as he comes home so I'm not really concerned with this change, more relieved that I don't have to deal with the aftermath every time. But it's hard for me in the evenings especially now with the time change, I. goes to bed around 4:15 so it's an even LONGER night - just what I didn't need! A few hours after I drop V. off, I begin missing him and then the sadness over Mark sets in because during these times when V. would be gone, I'd fill some of the time talking on the phone or visiting Mark - it was really the only good thing about V. being gone.
But now V. and Mark are gone, I. is growing up and slowly moving away and I'm just here.
That last sentence really drills down into the core of my pain - past, present, and quite possibly the future.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I.'s First Amusement Park Experience
Today was a really good day, though exhausting. My parents generously bought I. a season pass, to complement their season passes, and paid for V. and I to go to Legoland all day today. It was I.'s first time and she was psyched. Even though V.'s back acted up after awhile, he hung in there and stayed in the moment which was nice. He and I. went on some rides together and I really saw him connect and have fun with her. I guess my "talk" with him did make a difference and for I.'s sake, that makes me happy. We all had a really good time and I'm thankful for my parents' generosity because between the pass, the tickets, and the food, it was not a cheap day.
Tomorrow morning, I. and I will take V. to the airport to go back to Saudi Arabia. Then we will come home and make cupcakes for Tuesday's birthday park playdate. I. loves cooking with me so this will be a nice treat for her considering that tomorrow is her actual birthday. She is really looking forward to sitting in the "birthday chair" next to the teacher during circle time and having everyone sing Happy Birthday to her. I'm excited for her and plan to stay and video it.
Tonight I wrote my annual birthday letter to Isabella and put it in the keepsake box with the other 4 letters. It's hard not to get choked up when I do this especially considering this past year's events. I find myself going out of my way to do things when it comes to Isabella because I think,"What if this is the last day I have with her?" I want to be an engaged, participating mother, one that I. has a lot of good memories with. I don't know if this is wrong/negative or good/positive or just a part of the grief process. I wonder if this mindset will fade with time or if this is just evidence of how I've been changed by Mark's death. I guess only time will tell.
Isn't it amazing that I start the post with a fun day at Legoland and end with Mark's death? It really is how many of my days roll - many of my best moments make me think of Mark. That I know, is part of the grieving process and one that will continue to feel less sharp with time.
Tomorrow morning, I. and I will take V. to the airport to go back to Saudi Arabia. Then we will come home and make cupcakes for Tuesday's birthday park playdate. I. loves cooking with me so this will be a nice treat for her considering that tomorrow is her actual birthday. She is really looking forward to sitting in the "birthday chair" next to the teacher during circle time and having everyone sing Happy Birthday to her. I'm excited for her and plan to stay and video it.
Tonight I wrote my annual birthday letter to Isabella and put it in the keepsake box with the other 4 letters. It's hard not to get choked up when I do this especially considering this past year's events. I find myself going out of my way to do things when it comes to Isabella because I think,"What if this is the last day I have with her?" I want to be an engaged, participating mother, one that I. has a lot of good memories with. I don't know if this is wrong/negative or good/positive or just a part of the grief process. I wonder if this mindset will fade with time or if this is just evidence of how I've been changed by Mark's death. I guess only time will tell.
Isn't it amazing that I start the post with a fun day at Legoland and end with Mark's death? It really is how many of my days roll - many of my best moments make me think of Mark. That I know, is part of the grieving process and one that will continue to feel less sharp with time.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
A Little Bit Hard
Last Friday on Oprah, Patrick Swayze's wife, Lisa Niemi, was on the show talking about the book that the two of them had written together about their life together. I Tivo'd it so I could watch it later.
Unlike most shows, this one I can only watch in 15 minute intervals because it makes me feel raw. Not like I'm being overcome by despair but to hear her experiences in the last days with him, were so similar, even down to the heart taking a long time to shut down, that it brought back a lot of pain.
There were moments of comfort too though. She was talking about how initially she thought she should approach the diagnosis in a way in which there were some lessons to be learned. Then she realized that was ridiculous because she thought this whole situation was horrible and it sucked and so she just let herself "be". Now however, she said she had learned one lesson so far and that is to not wait to do things. That is exactly the lesson I've learned from Mark's death too, probably the only one I'm really aware of so far. It was comforting to hear someone else going through many of the emotions and struggles that I've been going through. Sometimes it's hard to be the grieving one in a world full of "normal" people. You can masquerade as "normal" but inside, you know you're still not there and it makes you feel lonely and alone at times. I know, I know it's part of the process and I have to admit that I am in a better place than I thought I would be just a month ago.
Unlike most shows, this one I can only watch in 15 minute intervals because it makes me feel raw. Not like I'm being overcome by despair but to hear her experiences in the last days with him, were so similar, even down to the heart taking a long time to shut down, that it brought back a lot of pain.
There were moments of comfort too though. She was talking about how initially she thought she should approach the diagnosis in a way in which there were some lessons to be learned. Then she realized that was ridiculous because she thought this whole situation was horrible and it sucked and so she just let herself "be". Now however, she said she had learned one lesson so far and that is to not wait to do things. That is exactly the lesson I've learned from Mark's death too, probably the only one I'm really aware of so far. It was comforting to hear someone else going through many of the emotions and struggles that I've been going through. Sometimes it's hard to be the grieving one in a world full of "normal" people. You can masquerade as "normal" but inside, you know you're still not there and it makes you feel lonely and alone at times. I know, I know it's part of the process and I have to admit that I am in a better place than I thought I would be just a month ago.
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