Blah Blah Blah

The weekend went by pretty well except for the discovery on Friday night that not all inflatable beds are created equal. I've slept on one before and was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was. That wasn't the case with the one at my parents' house - this one was torture. I sleep mostly on my side and when I rolled onto my side, it felt like my hip was resting directly on the wood floor which is less than comfortable to say the least. The dog successfully made it through its separation from my dad and was well-behaved, just like a kid when its parents aren't around. We had a good time Saturday celebrating V.'s birthday and all in all, it was a good weekend.

Busy week - first blood test today, helping at I.'s school, dentist appointments, plus the normal errands and duties. On top of this, I have to bring Media, our foster cat, back to Petco on Thursday and it's making me sad. We've had her for 2 months (it was really only supposed to be for 2 weeks) and now she probably thinks this is her new home. But I will have to put her in a crate and cart her back to the Petco prison. I try to keep in mind that she will have a better chance at being adopted if people can see her there. But it's not helping all that much. I've given a last ditch shout out on Facebook and there is a slight chance of hope but it's slim.

I. is in a mood this morning, actually most mornings she is. It's that "What should I play? I don't know what to play." whine that travels up and down my spine and causes me to utter old momisms like "I'm going to get a trashbag and put all your toys in it if you don't be quiet and start playing with something." It's frustrating to me. I was an only child and I don't remember whining every morning about not knowing what to do. Of course, I don't remember what I actually did before I could read because once I could read, that's what I did all morning and throughout the day. That and play in the backyard with my dog. This weekend, it was so nice to be able to send I. out in the back to play - I really wish we had a backyard. Oh well.

This is such a boring post that even I can almost not stand it. I think this whole morning is a function of not sleeping well. I had stressful, dangerous, bad, scary dreams all morning that had me waking up on edge. The only bright spot so far is that last night was the first night in almost 2 months when I didn't have to get up once or twice to use the bathroom, which means that my uterus has gravitated northward and isn't resting on my bladder any more. This Sunday will be 12 weeks - it's hard to believe. I'm looking forward to my appointment next week to hear our little rabbit's heartbeat, at least that's what it sounds like to me. That thought brings a warm glow to my heart and that may be just enough to fan into a full-fledged flame to enjoy the rest of the day.

Horrible Nightmare

I had one of my worst vivid dreams this morning. I'm not kidding. It was so bad that when I was telling V. about it tonight at dinner (yes, he actually was here for dinner), I started sobbing and this was over 12 hours later. This was the nightmare.

We were at home and I was standing on top of our roof (come on, it was a dream). Just below our roof but still 3 stories up was a flat patio area full of people including V. I. came running out on the patio, saw me, called out "Momma", and then started running towards me. There was no walls around this patio and she ran right off the edge because she was staring right at me. V. tried to grab her with one arm, then with the other, and as I screamed, I watched her fall down 3 stories and land flat on her back on a wooden deck. It was a horrifying sight and was so vivid that it makes me cry even now as I write it.

I ran down to where she was and cradled her in my arms. Her legs and arms were twitching and only one of her eyes was open. I was telling her how much I loved her. Running through my mind was that there may be hope because she landed on the wood deck rather than the pavement and then her other eye opened up. However, I knew that she probably had internal injuries and needed medical help now so I was screaming for 911. This is when I woke up, screaming.

I don't even know how to end this post. Maybe with the fact that we had a fun packed day today. I. had sports class this morning, then off to the chiropractor to put me back together again, then a lunch picnic in the car and a frozen yogurt treat before we headed off to a pumpkin patch fair to meet my mom for the afternoon. I was thankful to be able to spend time with I. today after such a horrible dream but it still doesn't erase my emotions and memories. I wonder if there is some way to manipulate the memory of a dream to just be a dream and take the feeling of reality out of it?

Unstructured and Inefficient

You know those times when you get absolutely frustrated because you are trying to get one simple thing done but by the time seven other things have interrupted you, it winds up becoming an all day project? That's kind of how today's schedule is looking.

Today is supposed to be my big chunk of time to get something or nothing done. Originally I was supposed to have lunch with a friend (same one that cancelled last week) so I figured I could drop I. off, run to the gym, have lunch with my friend and still have a chunk of time before it was time to pick I. up.

Instead, it's looking like one big fragmented day which tends to drive my highly organized mind crazy because more often than not, the day ends and I really haven't gotten anything of consequence accomplished. Which frustrates me to no end.

So how did my efficient day disintegrate? Well, my lunch got changed to coffee to occur 30 minutes after dropping I. off so that eliminates going to the gym beforehand. Then the pumpkin patch is being set up today at I.'s school and during their playground time, there will be pictures and she'll get to pick out a pumpkin. Last year, this happened right before school ended but this year, it's at 2pm, an hour before the end of school. I. asked me twice in an hour yesterday if I would come to the pumpkin patch and how could I possibly say no? Especially considering that I'm constantly hearing the clock ticking down when she's in school full-time and I'll only get a few hours, if that, with her during the weekdays. Plus, of course I want to see her at her pumpkin patch.

I responded yes I would be there and now I. has requested that after the pumpkin patch, I come back into her classroom for the rest of the school day. So there goes that chunk of time. I don't know what'll I'll be doing in between the two schedule-busting events. I guess I'll pack gym clothes just in case and some reading material and I'll just play it by ear. My favorite.

I don't think it helps any that I had many nightmares and a screaming night terror last night. They just wouldn't stop - talk about exhausting. Nights like that almost make me happy when it's time to get up. Note: I used the word "almost" ...

First Full Day on the Job

I know, I know I haven't posted about Las Vegas. I promise, it's coming. That's going to be a long one so I have to save it for an evening post. Plus, I have to download the pics. But it's coming...soon.

Today is the first morning I was back on duty. Yesterday I picked up I. at my parents' house at 11am so I woke up all by myself, not in full duty mode unlike this morning. For the last 3-4 hours of sleep, I had a night terror and at least 3 other nightmares that interrupted my sleep greatly. Lovely. V.'s back in San Fran so I'm on my own again just like the song says. After being with V. 24/7 for 10 days thanks to that furlough, it's hard to go back to this state. Oh well.

At least this afternoon won't be as hectic as yesterday. I was like a hamster on a wheel and it wasn't very enjoyable. The only thing I have to get done while I. is in school is grocery shopping. Oh and fold and put away 2 enormous loads of colored laundry, start the whites, gather up I.'s laundry for the next load, and put away my suitcase. Hmmm, all of a sudden the afternoon is looking busy. Interesting how that happens around this joint. But it's either do it then or wait til I. is in bed when I'm tired. But it's supposed to be such nice weather today that I think I'll try to find a couple of minutes to relax outside on the patio. Even just a few minutes will be worth it.

Kind of Freaking Out

In Wednesday morning's paper, there was a news story about a car that went off a rural freeway and two women were found dead. Read it, didn't think much of it.

This morning (Friday) I was reading the paper and here was an article about a man who was the husband of one of those women who was being arrested for having a sexual relationship with his wife's niece. His wife was one of those women who was found dead on Tuesday.

I continued reading the article and it was getting more and more crazy. The 17 year old niece and her mother (his wife's sister) just arrived from overseas and were living in their house since December. In March, he was arrested for molestation of the niece but because neither the niece nor his wife would press charges, nothing came of it. His wife was quoted as saying that she didn't "want her daughter to be fatherless". Then Tuesday night they find her and her mother (who lived with them) in a car at the bottom of a ravine with gunshots in them. Very strange.

It got a whole lot stranger when I got to the end of this morning's article and realize that I have known this man for about 8 years. Not only do I know him, I just had a conversation with him on Monday afternoon! I turn back to the front page photo and though he's hiding his face, it sure as heck is him. I asked him on Monday how his daughter was and he proudly said, "Can you believe she's going to be going to first grade next week?" He was as friendly and cheerful as he always was towards me and said hi to I. quite a few times, commenting on how tall she was getting. I've been going to this guy since before V. and I were married.

If he shot his wife and MIL on Tuesday and dumped their bodies, it gives me the willies to think that there must have been some evil thoughts circulating in his mind on Monday afternoon when I spoke to him. Besides that, he had already been arrested for statuatory rape of that 17 year old and his life was unraveling. Later today it came to light that he was an ex-con who shot a cab driver while robbing him and was in prison, until he escaped. He was recaptured in San Diego in 2000 and finished serving his time and then returned back to his wife in San Diego after that.

This whole thing scares me, unsettles me and certainly is not helping my anxiety level. I feel anxious that I have taken I. with me since she's been born to this guy's place and have thought him to be a good guy. My job as mother is to keep her safe and I feel like I should have been able to get a vibe about this guy and not expose her to him. I know, you can't know who someone really is but for some reason, I'm shaken and feel like I need to up the defense line to keep I. and I safe. I hope this won't translate into nightmares tonight. My brain really needs a rest after today.

A Funk

I got into a funk late yesterday afternoon triggered by something very small but significant thing that V. did on the phone and I was off and running. I tried distraction last night which worked somewhat well but then I went to bed and woke up screaming "Help, help" three times in a row because of a nightmare that just kept going. One of those realistic ones where you swear it's not a dream. This lovely one was that some guy was in the house trying to find me so he could kill me. Of course, I was in the bed unable to move or scream when he entered the room. Gotta love that. I was so shook up from it that it took me a while to get over feeling so scared.

I'm just in a pity party frame of mind, looking at things with dark shades, coloring everything negative. Even though I know that, it's hard to shake it off but I'll keep trying by concentrating on good, positive things. It just doesn't seem like other people have to try so hard on a daily basis to accomplish this - see, there is that negative view again.

Here's one thing I am happy about. I was watching I. interact with her female school friends last week at the playdate and I got to see how she acts with kids she is really comfortable with, kids that she feels comfortable lowering that reserve that she tends to have with people she's not as familiar with. What I saw was a kind, caring little girl who, though she may be working on something, has the whole table under surveillance so that if someone asks for something, she's the first to reach and give it to them. She also knows very well how to stick up for herself if someone tries to rudely or aggressively take something from her. She'll hang on for dear life until the other person gives up.

Kind but not a pushover - that's what I would hope for her and it appears that she is just that. It appears I'm on the right track with her and that is a big positive.

Back to the Horrible Nightmares

After getting what apparently was a 1 day reprieve from starting the day off with crappy nightmares, this morning's was a doozy, complete with many different facets. In it, I was driving V. and I down the winding part of a local freeway (163) at night and I couldn't see very well. Things were just very fuzzy and my eyes kept closing. It was really scaring me because there were cars on the road and then I almost hit a CHP who had stopped a car on the side of the road. I knew he would call it in and they would be looking for me so I got off the freeway and started trying to take back roads to get home.

We ended up going up an almost 90 degree hill that leveled off to a patch of dirt. We got out and went inside this cropping of stones, like a mini Stonehenge and there was no one there. It was dark and eerie and we decided to leave but when we went to our car, a whole bunch of people drove up, parked and got it. It was mostly women and their daughters, older than I. maybe 6-8 years old, and they looked like they were getting ready for a dance recital of some sort. There was this ramshackle small house that they went into and we followed them in there. Lots of talking, lots of chaos, busyness, and fast movements as they unpacked their stuff. V. decided he wanted to leave but I wanted to stay and see what they were doing so he drove away in the car, leaving me there.

No one was really talking to me, I was just standing there watching, still in that drowsy, dizzy state when I realized there was a long hair hanging out of my mouth. I started pulling on it, and it kept coming out, until it was 2 feet long. The very end of this hair was attached to something brown and as I kept pulling it out, thick brown liquid started pouring out of my mouth and I was throwing this up for a long time. This freaked me out so I decided I wanted to leave but the people had hidden my purse and phone and it quickly became apparent to me that they were not going to allow me to leave and that things were going to go very badly, very quickly. I hid and finally found my phone, feeling drugged up and when V. finally answered, I told him that I wanted to leave and to come get me though I didn't know where I was. V. said in this irritated voice, "Oh, now finally you want to leave?" but agreed to meet me at some intersection that I thought was within walking distance.

I waited until everyone seemed busy and then started running down that steep hill but they saw me and the mob of women started running after me, screeching and screaming, and catching up to me. They were grabbing my arms, jumping on my back, and trying to stab me with syringes full of Thorazine and slapping drug patches on my neck. I pulled the patch off but still felt the instant effects of the drug which slowed me down a little. I grabbed the syringe and stabbed the woman in the neck with it. Just as I thought there was hope of escaping, I looked up to see another woman directly in front of me. She had this huge boulder in her hands, which she raised above her head and slammed onto the top of my head.

The last scene in this nightmare was this loud, angry mob carrying me over their shoulders back up that steep hill, my head covered with blood, dripping down my face, and me crying out over and over again that I just wanted to see V. and I.

I woke up, heart racing, emotions raw, feeling exhausted already and the day had just begun.

YUCK YUCK YUCK.

Dreams & Reality

Bad dreams again this morning. It's not unusual for me to have bad dreams but usually they are in the middle of the night, two or three hours after I've fallen asleep. But since Mark began his descent and then final ascent, my nightmares come in the morning hours between 4 and 7 am., the sacred hours as I call them because it is during these hours I normally get good sleep. The rest of the night I wake up often, sometimes every time I turn over but those few hours before I'm called to duty is when I can finally, truly sleep.

But now these are the hours when all the day's, week's, and month's emotions get turned into multiple bad dreams. Dreams of titanic waves crashing over me; scary stormy days when it looks like the world is ending; watching I. drowning and not being able to reach her; I myself dying of cancer; angry screaming at people close to me and strangers; being chased by strangers trying to kill me and waking up to my own screams as the knife enters my body. And that is really the worst part of them - the waking up. Because even though it was only a dream, my body and soul don't know that - my heart is racing, there are tears on my face, and my throat is sore from screaming. And then I remember, Mark is dead and though my nightmares were not real, that horrible fact is. This is how I start my days.