Hope and Fear

I don't have a happily thereafter story for Media (our foster cat) but there is still hope. She charmed the girl who came to look at her, however, the girl's mom who got her cat from a breeder is not supportive of her daughter getting a rescue cat. She wants the girl to meet with this breeder next weekend to look at her cats. That's frustrating. There are too many cats as there is, with thousands being killed each day, and this woman wants her to go and give business to someone who puts more animals on the earth. If this girl was showing cats, I could understand a little. But she just wants a pet to come home to after work to give love and affection and Media fits the bill perfectly. So, there is hope but I can tell that this mom holds a lot of weight in this girl's life.

Still trying to hold my sanity and household together. It's hard considering all the swirling going on, the uncertainty, the fear, the panic, the worry, the overwhelming-ness of it all. All things considered, I think I'm holding it together pretty well. A lot of deep breaths, repeating of my "everything will be okay" mantra, just keeping focused on the present, and ensuring that I'm going to bed relatively early seem to helping. Part of me thinks things will be better once V. comes home for 2 whole days and part of me is afraid because everything will be real, not just rattling around in my mind and that scares me.

Kind of Freaking Out

In Wednesday morning's paper, there was a news story about a car that went off a rural freeway and two women were found dead. Read it, didn't think much of it.

This morning (Friday) I was reading the paper and here was an article about a man who was the husband of one of those women who was being arrested for having a sexual relationship with his wife's niece. His wife was one of those women who was found dead on Tuesday.

I continued reading the article and it was getting more and more crazy. The 17 year old niece and her mother (his wife's sister) just arrived from overseas and were living in their house since December. In March, he was arrested for molestation of the niece but because neither the niece nor his wife would press charges, nothing came of it. His wife was quoted as saying that she didn't "want her daughter to be fatherless". Then Tuesday night they find her and her mother (who lived with them) in a car at the bottom of a ravine with gunshots in them. Very strange.

It got a whole lot stranger when I got to the end of this morning's article and realize that I have known this man for about 8 years. Not only do I know him, I just had a conversation with him on Monday afternoon! I turn back to the front page photo and though he's hiding his face, it sure as heck is him. I asked him on Monday how his daughter was and he proudly said, "Can you believe she's going to be going to first grade next week?" He was as friendly and cheerful as he always was towards me and said hi to I. quite a few times, commenting on how tall she was getting. I've been going to this guy since before V. and I were married.

If he shot his wife and MIL on Tuesday and dumped their bodies, it gives me the willies to think that there must have been some evil thoughts circulating in his mind on Monday afternoon when I spoke to him. Besides that, he had already been arrested for statuatory rape of that 17 year old and his life was unraveling. Later today it came to light that he was an ex-con who shot a cab driver while robbing him and was in prison, until he escaped. He was recaptured in San Diego in 2000 and finished serving his time and then returned back to his wife in San Diego after that.

This whole thing scares me, unsettles me and certainly is not helping my anxiety level. I feel anxious that I have taken I. with me since she's been born to this guy's place and have thought him to be a good guy. My job as mother is to keep her safe and I feel like I should have been able to get a vibe about this guy and not expose her to him. I know, you can't know who someone really is but for some reason, I'm shaken and feel like I need to up the defense line to keep I. and I safe. I hope this won't translate into nightmares tonight. My brain really needs a rest after today.

Eventful Night

Around 11:15 last night, I was lying in bed reading before I went to sleep when all of a sudden from the condos above my bedroom, I hear a woman screaming. And screaming and then she screams at the top of her lungs "Call the police!" Then I hear nothing. By this time, I had gone out on the bedroom deck and was listening horrified. Then I grabbed the phone and dialed 911.

Someone else had called as well but had given the wrong cross street, meaning the cops were going to have a hard time locating the condo because there are a lot of condos in a row up there on the hill. Who knows what would happen during that delay?

Looking back, I did a not-so-smart thing considering that it was just me and I. at home. I thought to myself, "I'd want someone to help me if the situation was reversed." So I threw on some sweats, grabbed my cell, locked up the house and ran up the hill to the row of condos like I was Nancy Drew or something. I knew I could figure out the general area of the condo by looking down to see my bedroom deck. I've already done this before during daylight hours trying to pin down where that barking dog was a few months ago.

I figured out which building it was based on the fact that I could see my back deck and then was walking down the hallway to see if I could narrow it down because there were about 8 condos on that level. As I walked past one of them, I saw the front door slightly ajar with a big set of keys still in the front door lock. It was so eerily silent. I made note of the condo number and tiptoed down the hall into the parking lot. As I started walking, a pair of headlights was approaching and I was glad to see that it was a police car. I flagged him down, explained that I had called 911 and came up here to help narrow down which were possible condos because now there was no noise and I was concerned. I told him about the front door and keys and gave him the number of the condo and then said, "Good luck. I'm getting out of here!" As I went back down the hill, there were 2 more patrol cars who stopped when they saw me and I told them where to go.

I didn't hear anything after I got back in bed but I was wondering what, if anything, happened. This morning, I called my good friend Terry, the captain of SDPD in this area, and he pulled up the log and said that it was a husband and wife incident that resulted in him getting arrested for felony domestic violence. Felony means she was beat up pretty badly. If she had only minor injuries, it would have been a misdemeanor.

After hearing that, I'm glad I did what I did because that extra time it could have taken the cops to figure out what condo, may have resulted in something really terrible. I just hope that if I was ever screaming for someone to call the cops, someone actually would. Maybe this will lead to some good karma in the future if I need it. I really don't believe in karma but it couldn't possibly hurt.

It's Beginning to Descend

This morning V. had to go in to work so it was just me and his parents for the morning. It was nice for 3 adults to be reading different sections of several papers and sharing interesting tidbits - I really have missed consistent, adult conversations.

That thought process led me to a sad downhill that tomorrow at 11am., I. and I will be dropping everyone off at the airport and will then be on our own again for a month. Days, I can do - I. and I have each other and we can have fun and create our own routine, but once she goes to bed, the long nights will be there for me. I've enjoyed having the adult company around as long as no one takes it personally when I need to pull the rip cord and disappear for a little while. I've especially enjoyed having this new and improved version of V., the one that I'm so scared is going to disappear once he leaves. I went to my therapist today and heard some of what went on at his appt. with her (since I'm officially still the patient) and it was pretty amazing and explained some of what I was seeing in him. I think I know what I can do to help us while he's gone and after our discussion tonight, I think we are better equipped for this separation. We'll see though, and that's the stress.

Regardless, tomorrow will be another day of loss for I. and I. It breaks my heart to see her face crumble as people she loves leave her again for a long time. How do I make it okay for her when it's not okay? I tell her that we have each other and that we will do fun things and love and snuggle each other but even I know it's not enough to cover the loss but what can I do? It's frustrating, heartbreaking, and adds to my sadness and anger that I can't make it better for her or I for that matter. I'm dealing with so much grief already but when I. sobs in my arms, not wanting anyone else to comfort her or see her crying (just like me), I almost lose it and just sob with her. She's so much like me - tough on the exterior but so soft in the interior if you can get in there. God help me in the present and in the future for I.'s sake.