So much swirling about. A fire that threatened security and resulted in a packed car just in case for the next few days. A visit to Phoenix that may have helped the kids but made V.'s long term work a reality. A trade off between agonizing back pain to lingering intermittent back pain accompanied by a possible auto immune blood disease that may raise its ugly head again just after getting over it a mere month ago. A long text conversation with an old friend that gave hope for reconnection yet followed by silence. Trying to help I. deal with the big emotional swings of V. being gone during the week and coming home on weekends. Translation: Monday thru Friday is fine but weekends she turns into a unsatisfied, unhappy person who wants nothing but Daddy leading to many miserable moments throughout the weekend. Couple all this with V.'s reticence during weekends or at the few family events with my parents and my frustration multiplies. It's been a lot to handle...A LOT TO HANDLE.
But surrounding these moments are me laughing at the fact that I. started a club at school with who she feels is the mean girl of the class and that club is the "Talk about how you're feeling" group. Being that she doesn't talk about her feelings, I found this remarkable. And with D. singing "I'm so happy" while in the crib and in the car at the top of his lungs...how can you not smile and love that. Don't get me wrong, he's 2 and the defiance and grumpiness can really rear its ugly head and make me feel like I'm living in the land of "NO". But if it's just he and I, we're safely in the land of "I'm so happy", we sing it at the top of our lungs, give kisses, and show each other our open mouth's of food. Shhh....don't tell anyone.
Showing posts with label overwhelmed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overwhelmed. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Monday, September 17, 2012
Post Boom
Friday night was a tough night for me. The boom had been lowered in the afternoon and I expected little to no reaction from her. Or if there was some reaction, I was hoping for her to be sad and perhaps a little bit of pleading that she wouldn't do it again or something along those lines. Instead she walked over to the closet, opened up the doors to see empty bookshelves, told me I was rude (no big deal) and then said, "Oh here's a book that you forgot." in this snotty sing songy tone of voice. Gotta love it.
That night I just had this sinking feeling that I'm losing her, already at age 6. I talked to V. about it, my fears, frustrations, and had a good sob. These constant problems are taking a toll on our relationship, at least on my side. She's so Jekyll and Hyde that one minute she can be flipping out and fifteen minutes later, she's hugging on me. For me, it's hard to let it go especially after 3 months of what feels like daily problems over the same stupid things. By the end of the day, I just want her in bed NOW because I'm done, I've used all my patience for the day and if I don't get her in bed NOW, I'm risking losing my temper. Of course, when V. is here and I'm not juggling trying to keep D. out of trouble as I'm trying to get I.'s hair washed and books read to her, it's not a big deal and I don't feel that same sense of urgency, that I'm about to lose it. This is why there is no way I could ever handle another child.
The weekend brought better behavior from I. and I thought she seemed more relaxed, affectionate, and happy. Go figure! This morning was the worst school morning we've had in over a year. As usual, in her room she had gotten out 5 different games with millions of pieces along with a bunch of other stuff and then waited to start putting it away. She kept coming downstairs to get a plastic bag for this and that and while I can admire the effort, I would tell her how much time was left until we left. I guess she didn't really listen (big surprise there) because it came to the time when we needed to leave and not only was she not done, she wasn't fully dressed and hadn't eaten breakfast. I didn't get mad about it since she's the one who was going to receive consequences from it (tardy slip). Of course, she came downstairs and started blaming me for her lateness (I should have told her to clean up, I shouldn't have made her clean up etc.). I handed her breakfast to eat in the car and got in the car to wait for her because she had forgotten her socks. By the time we got to school everyone was already in the classrooms so we had to get a tardy slip for the first time for her to take to her teacher. She asked what it was and I explained what it was and that it counted against the behavior grade. We get to the closed door of her classroom and she starts saying she doesn't want to go to school, she's not going into her class until I finally had to open the door up, get her teacher's attention, have her come out and get I. As long as I was there, I. was not going to get better so I left.
Now it's time to go get here and I'm hoping that her day got progressively better and that perhaps she will have learned her lesson not to take out a bazillion toys at once in her room. We'll see.
That night I just had this sinking feeling that I'm losing her, already at age 6. I talked to V. about it, my fears, frustrations, and had a good sob. These constant problems are taking a toll on our relationship, at least on my side. She's so Jekyll and Hyde that one minute she can be flipping out and fifteen minutes later, she's hugging on me. For me, it's hard to let it go especially after 3 months of what feels like daily problems over the same stupid things. By the end of the day, I just want her in bed NOW because I'm done, I've used all my patience for the day and if I don't get her in bed NOW, I'm risking losing my temper. Of course, when V. is here and I'm not juggling trying to keep D. out of trouble as I'm trying to get I.'s hair washed and books read to her, it's not a big deal and I don't feel that same sense of urgency, that I'm about to lose it. This is why there is no way I could ever handle another child.
The weekend brought better behavior from I. and I thought she seemed more relaxed, affectionate, and happy. Go figure! This morning was the worst school morning we've had in over a year. As usual, in her room she had gotten out 5 different games with millions of pieces along with a bunch of other stuff and then waited to start putting it away. She kept coming downstairs to get a plastic bag for this and that and while I can admire the effort, I would tell her how much time was left until we left. I guess she didn't really listen (big surprise there) because it came to the time when we needed to leave and not only was she not done, she wasn't fully dressed and hadn't eaten breakfast. I didn't get mad about it since she's the one who was going to receive consequences from it (tardy slip). Of course, she came downstairs and started blaming me for her lateness (I should have told her to clean up, I shouldn't have made her clean up etc.). I handed her breakfast to eat in the car and got in the car to wait for her because she had forgotten her socks. By the time we got to school everyone was already in the classrooms so we had to get a tardy slip for the first time for her to take to her teacher. She asked what it was and I explained what it was and that it counted against the behavior grade. We get to the closed door of her classroom and she starts saying she doesn't want to go to school, she's not going into her class until I finally had to open the door up, get her teacher's attention, have her come out and get I. As long as I was there, I. was not going to get better so I left.
Now it's time to go get here and I'm hoping that her day got progressively better and that perhaps she will have learned her lesson not to take out a bazillion toys at once in her room. We'll see.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
High Anxiety
I'm trying to make light of this but the fact is, this weekend my anxiety has ramped up to where it was the first couple of weeks D. was alive and we were having major nursing issues. I think my anxiety was high because of two things. One, this weekend was the first weekend that the girls and V. were home and I have to tell you, the house felt really crowded. There wasn't 1 room left to escape to and then I felt pressure to get D. down for afternoon nap successfully to allow us to go to our regular linner. Well, I got him down and he fell asleep but then woke up after just 30 minutes with gas passing and wouldn't go back to sleep. So this left him exhausted and crying inconsolably and resulted in everyone going to linner except for me. There was just no point to me going - I needed to get D. down again for sleep and all he wanted to do was eat and be walked around which is not conducive for eating out. Instead of sitting in the house feeling sorry for myself, I stuck him in the sling and wandered around the neighborhood for almost an hour, giving him a catnap which was better than nothing.
This morning didn't start well with D. not being able to fall back asleep after the 5:30 feeding and only sleeping 30 minutes at 7:30. We were back to the inconsolable crying, the difference being that V. was getting ready to take the girls back home and then head to the gym, leaving me with I. and crying D. until about 1pm. As you can imagine, my anxiety went sky high again and it was only 8am. While V. held D. and I rushed to get ready while I could, I gave V. a verbal glimpse into how I saw the day since it seemed he didn't understand why I was stressing. My version of the day was, "I'm (V.) leaving to drive in my car by myself with the moonroof open, music on, and talking to my best friend. Then I will be going to the gym but will be back by 1pm. However, as soon as I get back, it will be time for my nap which I will do until 2:30 or so. Oh, but then I'm going to go get my hair cut but I'll try to be back in time to wash I.'s hair and kiss her before you put her to bed. Then I'll jump in the shower, pour myself an adult beverage and sit down to get ready to watch the evening football game while you get D. bathed and down for bed and fix dinner for us." Then I looked at him and said, "So you can see that there are rational, logical reasons as to why I'm stressed out. It's not based on emotions. And today is supposed to be a day that I have some help." What was amazing was that neither of us got angry about it and he went away and came back 5 minutes later with the idea of taking I. with him to take the girls home and then to the gym which helped lessen my anxiety because I was back to the one on one strategy which I can usually handle.
So that's good right? Well, yes and no. I know, can't I ever just be happy? Yes I can it's just there is a downside to the little bit of help I've been getting and here it is. When my parents come over, it's mainly to play with Isabella and when V. helps it's usually by taking her with him somewhere. And all this helps, trust me. BUT, I don't want the help always to be taking her away from me. I know in these early days of nursing every 2-3 hours and sleeping every 2 hours, much if not all the time consuming work falls on me when it comes to taking care of D. So as much as I was glad for I. spending more time with her sisters on the long drive back and only having to deal with D., a big part of me inside was so sad because I miss her and I, just the two of us. Yes, sometimes in the afternoon we have 30 minutes while D. is napping that we can hang out at home but it's contigent on D. sleeping. Which is not a good think to count on. In fact, he just woke up crying after being asleep for 30 minutes. I hope he falls back to sleep because God knows he needs it. Somehow this afternoon, I. and I are going to at least get out and get her a birthday card for a party she's going to tomorrow afternoon. And I am going to continue to make a conscious effort to hug her, kiss her, and physically touch and snuggle with her at every opportunity. I sense she's feeling the same way so despite my exhaustion and fragmented mind, I'm going to have to do this for both of our sakes'.
This morning didn't start well with D. not being able to fall back asleep after the 5:30 feeding and only sleeping 30 minutes at 7:30. We were back to the inconsolable crying, the difference being that V. was getting ready to take the girls back home and then head to the gym, leaving me with I. and crying D. until about 1pm. As you can imagine, my anxiety went sky high again and it was only 8am. While V. held D. and I rushed to get ready while I could, I gave V. a verbal glimpse into how I saw the day since it seemed he didn't understand why I was stressing. My version of the day was, "I'm (V.) leaving to drive in my car by myself with the moonroof open, music on, and talking to my best friend. Then I will be going to the gym but will be back by 1pm. However, as soon as I get back, it will be time for my nap which I will do until 2:30 or so. Oh, but then I'm going to go get my hair cut but I'll try to be back in time to wash I.'s hair and kiss her before you put her to bed. Then I'll jump in the shower, pour myself an adult beverage and sit down to get ready to watch the evening football game while you get D. bathed and down for bed and fix dinner for us." Then I looked at him and said, "So you can see that there are rational, logical reasons as to why I'm stressed out. It's not based on emotions. And today is supposed to be a day that I have some help." What was amazing was that neither of us got angry about it and he went away and came back 5 minutes later with the idea of taking I. with him to take the girls home and then to the gym which helped lessen my anxiety because I was back to the one on one strategy which I can usually handle.
So that's good right? Well, yes and no. I know, can't I ever just be happy? Yes I can it's just there is a downside to the little bit of help I've been getting and here it is. When my parents come over, it's mainly to play with Isabella and when V. helps it's usually by taking her with him somewhere. And all this helps, trust me. BUT, I don't want the help always to be taking her away from me. I know in these early days of nursing every 2-3 hours and sleeping every 2 hours, much if not all the time consuming work falls on me when it comes to taking care of D. So as much as I was glad for I. spending more time with her sisters on the long drive back and only having to deal with D., a big part of me inside was so sad because I miss her and I, just the two of us. Yes, sometimes in the afternoon we have 30 minutes while D. is napping that we can hang out at home but it's contigent on D. sleeping. Which is not a good think to count on. In fact, he just woke up crying after being asleep for 30 minutes. I hope he falls back to sleep because God knows he needs it. Somehow this afternoon, I. and I are going to at least get out and get her a birthday card for a party she's going to tomorrow afternoon. And I am going to continue to make a conscious effort to hug her, kiss her, and physically touch and snuggle with her at every opportunity. I sense she's feeling the same way so despite my exhaustion and fragmented mind, I'm going to have to do this for both of our sakes'.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Why So Quiet?
I realize I haven't posted for almost a week. It wasn't that there wasn't anything to post about. It was mainly because the things that were going on were highly aggravating and took up so much mental energy that I just could not bring myself to blog about them at night.
I think the key word for this week has been "overwhelmed". It was frustrating enough to be the middle man with the insurance people and contractor; trying to babysit necessary steps through the process in order to get the house put back together. And no, as of today, we still are missing ceilings and floors so that tells you just how successful my efforts have been on this endeavor.
Add to this insurance project the fact that the car insurance claim for when we were rearended is still not complete. The chiropractor has not submitted any bills to my insurance company. Meanwhile, the other person's insurance company is trying to get me to settle with them with a low maximum amount for doctor's costs. My fear is that if my insurance company cannot recover the medical costs from the other insurance company, they will come after us for the difference. With the medical event of having a baby this summer, I certainly don't want an unexpected bill arriving for something that wasn't my fault. So I need to nag the chiropractor to get their bills in for the last 2 months and call my insurance agent to see if this fear of mine is reality or make believe.
As though I didn't have enough insurance fun going on, my health insurance company decided that they were only going to pay $1.87 on the first trimester blood tests and leave the other $600+ for us to pay. Since we pay out the butt every month for this health insurance, receiving this bill from the lab made me say, WTF?! So I added that to my daily list of insurance phone calls that I so enjoy making.
On top of this mental aggravation, my back has decided that it's been way too nice to me since it last went completely haywire in San Francisco. My tailbone decided to not only twist in an unnatural direction but also tilt at an odd angle resulting in excruciating pain that lasts all night and all day. At night, it's like a horror show. The only position that feels halfway decent is lying on my back, which happens to be the only position that I'm not supposed to be in because it reduces oxygen flow to both baby and I. That leaves me rolling side to side with searing pain in my lower back and hips all night long. Not conducive for good sleep that's for sure. Daytime hours are even more of a struggle because life goes on - laundry still needs to be done, errands need to be run, I. needs to be bathed etc. When sitting, walking, and standing cause excruciating pain, it makes for a emotionally and physically exhausting day.
But I struggle through, knowing that the pain is caused by shifting pelvic ligaments and muscles making room for my little guy. I think I secretly hope that if I go through all this pain now, cosmically I'll be rewarded in some way. Immature and irrational I know but pain causes you to not think particularly clearly.
On a good note, I met with a doula yesterday and felt comfortable with her so that's in place and I can check that off my list. And next weekend is our weekend in Laguna Beach just V. and I and that is definitely something to look forward to. I'll try not to remember that this will be our last weekend for at least 18 months and just enjoy the break. God knows I could use a break from this house, from my projects and duties, and from being a momma.
I think the key word for this week has been "overwhelmed". It was frustrating enough to be the middle man with the insurance people and contractor; trying to babysit necessary steps through the process in order to get the house put back together. And no, as of today, we still are missing ceilings and floors so that tells you just how successful my efforts have been on this endeavor.
Add to this insurance project the fact that the car insurance claim for when we were rearended is still not complete. The chiropractor has not submitted any bills to my insurance company. Meanwhile, the other person's insurance company is trying to get me to settle with them with a low maximum amount for doctor's costs. My fear is that if my insurance company cannot recover the medical costs from the other insurance company, they will come after us for the difference. With the medical event of having a baby this summer, I certainly don't want an unexpected bill arriving for something that wasn't my fault. So I need to nag the chiropractor to get their bills in for the last 2 months and call my insurance agent to see if this fear of mine is reality or make believe.
As though I didn't have enough insurance fun going on, my health insurance company decided that they were only going to pay $1.87 on the first trimester blood tests and leave the other $600+ for us to pay. Since we pay out the butt every month for this health insurance, receiving this bill from the lab made me say, WTF?! So I added that to my daily list of insurance phone calls that I so enjoy making.
On top of this mental aggravation, my back has decided that it's been way too nice to me since it last went completely haywire in San Francisco. My tailbone decided to not only twist in an unnatural direction but also tilt at an odd angle resulting in excruciating pain that lasts all night and all day. At night, it's like a horror show. The only position that feels halfway decent is lying on my back, which happens to be the only position that I'm not supposed to be in because it reduces oxygen flow to both baby and I. That leaves me rolling side to side with searing pain in my lower back and hips all night long. Not conducive for good sleep that's for sure. Daytime hours are even more of a struggle because life goes on - laundry still needs to be done, errands need to be run, I. needs to be bathed etc. When sitting, walking, and standing cause excruciating pain, it makes for a emotionally and physically exhausting day.
But I struggle through, knowing that the pain is caused by shifting pelvic ligaments and muscles making room for my little guy. I think I secretly hope that if I go through all this pain now, cosmically I'll be rewarded in some way. Immature and irrational I know but pain causes you to not think particularly clearly.
On a good note, I met with a doula yesterday and felt comfortable with her so that's in place and I can check that off my list. And next weekend is our weekend in Laguna Beach just V. and I and that is definitely something to look forward to. I'll try not to remember that this will be our last weekend for at least 18 months and just enjoy the break. God knows I could use a break from this house, from my projects and duties, and from being a momma.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Misery Loves Company
Yesterday was spent in the house being "chased" around by no less than 5 different people. In a 1300 sq. foot house, that leaves you approximately 1 room that you can hide in. Unfortunately, I had to "hide" in that room with a unhappy, rambunctious 5 year old and 2 highly aggravated cats. It was almost enough to make me wish I was secluded in the small downstairs bathroom with the obnoxious parrot - that's where I hid him for the day.
There was nothing but bad news yesterday it seems and by the time 5pm rolled around, I was overwhelmed. Actually, by noon I was overwhelmed and by 5 pm, I'm not sure what state I was in. Probably closer to hysterics because when I did finally sit down and attempt to watch tv over the din of noise and the circuit breaker tripped, due to all the loud equipment that is on in the house, I just sat there in the dark and started laughing. And not really a good sort of laughing.
The bottom line is that in I.'s room, all the flooring in the bathroom and bedroom has been ripped out and today part of her walls will be removed. Here's what it looked like last night when she went to bed:
There was nothing but bad news yesterday it seems and by the time 5pm rolled around, I was overwhelmed. Actually, by noon I was overwhelmed and by 5 pm, I'm not sure what state I was in. Probably closer to hysterics because when I did finally sit down and attempt to watch tv over the din of noise and the circuit breaker tripped, due to all the loud equipment that is on in the house, I just sat there in the dark and started laughing. And not really a good sort of laughing.
The bottom line is that in I.'s room, all the flooring in the bathroom and bedroom has been ripped out and today part of her walls will be removed. Here's what it looked like last night when she went to bed:
Behind the plastic is a huge dehumidifier and 4 big fans trying to dry the place out. It's a mess.
The downstairs bedroom took a direct hit. Here's what it looked like after Day 1
Today they are going to tear down all the walls in this room. I can't even imagine the amount of noise that will be added to the already loud din of air purifiers, dehumidifiers, and industrial fans. It's sensory overload.
The reason for this post's title, "Misery Loves Company" is that V. couldn't comprehend the amount of chaos that was in this house yesterday. But this morning, he was wandering around the house muttering about "clutter" and "claustraphobia" and this is before the 4 guys get added to the mix and before the pounding, ripping, and yelling gets started. Oh yes, he will feel my pain of yesterday and I have to say I will get a sick pleasure of some sort from it. Last weekend I threw a mini tantrum about the level of clutter in this house and the couple of mini projects that he has put off for years that would help with the clutter. He had no idea where all this was coming from and reluctantly did one of the projects (it took all of 20 minutes). Yet after just one week of being home in the evenings (a very rare occurance), he is stressing out today about the clutter. It's not that I don't keep a clean house. It's just that the amount of pieces of paper, crafts, stickers, and Shrinky Dinks multiply daily and I. is like V. in that neither of them likes to throw things out. Better to just put them in a pile in the corner "just in case". This behavior drives me nuts and now it's driving him nuts.
So, we'll see how everyone fares today. Maybe more pics tomorrow.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Hope and Fear
I don't have a happily thereafter story for Media (our foster cat) but there is still hope. She charmed the girl who came to look at her, however, the girl's mom who got her cat from a breeder is not supportive of her daughter getting a rescue cat. She wants the girl to meet with this breeder next weekend to look at her cats. That's frustrating. There are too many cats as there is, with thousands being killed each day, and this woman wants her to go and give business to someone who puts more animals on the earth. If this girl was showing cats, I could understand a little. But she just wants a pet to come home to after work to give love and affection and Media fits the bill perfectly. So, there is hope but I can tell that this mom holds a lot of weight in this girl's life.
Still trying to hold my sanity and household together. It's hard considering all the swirling going on, the uncertainty, the fear, the panic, the worry, the overwhelming-ness of it all. All things considered, I think I'm holding it together pretty well. A lot of deep breaths, repeating of my "everything will be okay" mantra, just keeping focused on the present, and ensuring that I'm going to bed relatively early seem to helping. Part of me thinks things will be better once V. comes home for 2 whole days and part of me is afraid because everything will be real, not just rattling around in my mind and that scares me.
Still trying to hold my sanity and household together. It's hard considering all the swirling going on, the uncertainty, the fear, the panic, the worry, the overwhelming-ness of it all. All things considered, I think I'm holding it together pretty well. A lot of deep breaths, repeating of my "everything will be okay" mantra, just keeping focused on the present, and ensuring that I'm going to bed relatively early seem to helping. Part of me thinks things will be better once V. comes home for 2 whole days and part of me is afraid because everything will be real, not just rattling around in my mind and that scares me.
Friday, December 10, 2010
The Hamster's Running on That Damn Wheel Again
Deep breaths, deep breaths. I keep trying to remind myself of this and to just focus on the present but it's against my nature. My tendency when something happens, may happen, or is going to happen is to automatically start thinking about all the situations, challenges and potential issues that may come up for years down the line.
For important decisions in my life, this is good because when I make a decision, it's well thought out, planned ahead for, and usually is the right one. That's great when things in life follow a linear pattern. What's not so great is when something hits me out of left field, all these potential things start bombarding my brain which causes a lot of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. That's where I am right now.
To add to all this, V. has been gone since Thanksgiving and these 3 weeks feel more like 3 months. His days have been so stressful and exhausting that some nights, usually the nights that I really could benefit from hearing his voice, he falls asleep and doesn't call me. Like today. He didn't call us this morning, didn't answer his phone this afternoon, and didn't call tonight. The only contact we had was a short text "conversation" when I informed him that we had just been rearended badly.
Yes, you read that correctly. As though anything else needed to land on my plate, I. and I got slammed from behind. We had just left the house to head to Legoland, stopped at a red light in line for the right turn when wham! we got slammed in the back. There wasn't even the sound of brakes and she was coming down the hill so I know she was probably going at least 30 mph. Everything in the car went flying around and by the time we turned the corner to pull into a parking lot, my head was killing me - instant headache. She kind of apologize with a "Sorry, I'm in a hurry and I'm lost" and then proceeded to pull out her cell phone to leave a message with whoever she was supposed to meet with at 10 (it was now 10:15) to call her so that they could reschedule. She hit us so hard that her front license plate was impaled into my bumper until it was flush with it. These were huge 3 inch long screws that went all the way through. Luckily, there were some guys around that I went and asked if they could help pry it off my car so that I could throw it at this career bitch's head. We went straight to the chiropractor's office because my neck, shoulder and back were killing me and I. was complaining of neck and head pain too.
Now on top of everything else, I'm all out of whack and need to go to the chiropractor several times next week just so things don't get worse. Plus, I get the pleasure of dealing with her insurance company, having to schedule in a meeting with her claims adjuster. Plus, price out a new car seat because in CA, if the seat's been in an accident, you're supposed to replace it. All this on top of I.'s Christmas chapel on Tuesday and Thursday I'm helping out in her class for an hour and a half for Jesus' Birthday celebration.
Oh, don't forget that tomorrow we're getting the Christmas tree and I was going to have to "man" that sucker up a flight of stairs and into the house. The good news about that was that I talked today with Terry and he is going to be in the area tomorrow late morning and stop to lug it in for me. Thank God for him - he's gotten me out of a few jams during our friendship.
And the girls' demands were communicated to V. yesterday and were immediately vetoed. They even had back demands that were also vetoed. Though a little curious about what the demands were, I didn't ask because I knew it would just piss me off and be another negative hamster running through the wheel of my mind. All I asked was what the basis of the veto was and was told by V. that the demands were not anything needed (ie. $350 Juicy Couture purses like last year). So at least that interference was run for me and I don't have to waste any emotional energy on it, at least for now.
Believe it or not, I. and I did still go to Legoland though only for 2 hours. Have YOU ever tried to tell a little kid that you weren't going to go to an amusement park because some stupid lady hit you? I mean, even I don't think that's fair. She ruin enough of our day and part of our future days, so why let her ruin the whole day? We did have fun though I was in pain, because nobody was at the park and we just ran around and walked on every ride and some of them, they asked us if we wanted to just stay on and ride a second time. Sweet!
But now it's evening, I'm tired, hurting, overwhelmed, feeling alone and scared about future uncertainties and there's no one here but the animals. I'll definitely be heading to bed early and hoping for a joyful time of picking out a Christmas tree with I., having an early dinner at a restaurant and hopefully having a relaxing, uneventful day.
For important decisions in my life, this is good because when I make a decision, it's well thought out, planned ahead for, and usually is the right one. That's great when things in life follow a linear pattern. What's not so great is when something hits me out of left field, all these potential things start bombarding my brain which causes a lot of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. That's where I am right now.
To add to all this, V. has been gone since Thanksgiving and these 3 weeks feel more like 3 months. His days have been so stressful and exhausting that some nights, usually the nights that I really could benefit from hearing his voice, he falls asleep and doesn't call me. Like today. He didn't call us this morning, didn't answer his phone this afternoon, and didn't call tonight. The only contact we had was a short text "conversation" when I informed him that we had just been rearended badly.
Yes, you read that correctly. As though anything else needed to land on my plate, I. and I got slammed from behind. We had just left the house to head to Legoland, stopped at a red light in line for the right turn when wham! we got slammed in the back. There wasn't even the sound of brakes and she was coming down the hill so I know she was probably going at least 30 mph. Everything in the car went flying around and by the time we turned the corner to pull into a parking lot, my head was killing me - instant headache. She kind of apologize with a "Sorry, I'm in a hurry and I'm lost" and then proceeded to pull out her cell phone to leave a message with whoever she was supposed to meet with at 10 (it was now 10:15) to call her so that they could reschedule. She hit us so hard that her front license plate was impaled into my bumper until it was flush with it. These were huge 3 inch long screws that went all the way through. Luckily, there were some guys around that I went and asked if they could help pry it off my car so that I could throw it at this career bitch's head. We went straight to the chiropractor's office because my neck, shoulder and back were killing me and I. was complaining of neck and head pain too.
Now on top of everything else, I'm all out of whack and need to go to the chiropractor several times next week just so things don't get worse. Plus, I get the pleasure of dealing with her insurance company, having to schedule in a meeting with her claims adjuster. Plus, price out a new car seat because in CA, if the seat's been in an accident, you're supposed to replace it. All this on top of I.'s Christmas chapel on Tuesday and Thursday I'm helping out in her class for an hour and a half for Jesus' Birthday celebration.
Oh, don't forget that tomorrow we're getting the Christmas tree and I was going to have to "man" that sucker up a flight of stairs and into the house. The good news about that was that I talked today with Terry and he is going to be in the area tomorrow late morning and stop to lug it in for me. Thank God for him - he's gotten me out of a few jams during our friendship.
And the girls' demands were communicated to V. yesterday and were immediately vetoed. They even had back demands that were also vetoed. Though a little curious about what the demands were, I didn't ask because I knew it would just piss me off and be another negative hamster running through the wheel of my mind. All I asked was what the basis of the veto was and was told by V. that the demands were not anything needed (ie. $350 Juicy Couture purses like last year). So at least that interference was run for me and I don't have to waste any emotional energy on it, at least for now.
Believe it or not, I. and I did still go to Legoland though only for 2 hours. Have YOU ever tried to tell a little kid that you weren't going to go to an amusement park because some stupid lady hit you? I mean, even I don't think that's fair. She ruin enough of our day and part of our future days, so why let her ruin the whole day? We did have fun though I was in pain, because nobody was at the park and we just ran around and walked on every ride and some of them, they asked us if we wanted to just stay on and ride a second time. Sweet!
But now it's evening, I'm tired, hurting, overwhelmed, feeling alone and scared about future uncertainties and there's no one here but the animals. I'll definitely be heading to bed early and hoping for a joyful time of picking out a Christmas tree with I., having an early dinner at a restaurant and hopefully having a relaxing, uneventful day.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Deep Breaths & A Vodka Tonic
in-com-pe-tent: adj. not having the necessary skills to do something successfully
Though I am not completely convinced, in my mind and heart I feel like an incompetent mother. This last vacation has left me exhausted and frustrated as a parent and without some sort of a break from being a parent, my frustration and anger just continues to build. I've heard people say that children will understand if there are more relaxed rules and less strigent schedules while on vacations; that they will understand that when they get home that the "old", regular rules still apply. To that, I say "Bullshit!"
Because now I'm paying the price of trying to be less rigourous and strict. I was paying it throughout the whole damn vacation and now that we're back, I'm STILL paying for it. Tomorrow will be the first day since returning that neither the girls nor V. will be here' it'll just be I. and me and I'll tell you what, there will be a drastic return to how things were. The whining, the 2 year old screeching, the not listening, the defiance, the tantrums, the "I'm not going to eat my dinner but now I want to eat in bed" game - all this is going to end. As a former boss put it, it's time for a "come to Jesus" because I can't take it, not one more day.
I feel like we've gone back two years in ground covered. This evening while V. was washing I. in the bath (or attempting to wash her), I went in my closet and sobbed because I can't take much more. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be yelling at her, frustrated at her, angry towards her because of how she's acting. I think to myself, "If I can't handle ONE four year old child, how the HELL am I going to handle her as she gets older?" It's not like I have multiple children. I can't even seem to deal with one and thus, the label of "incompetent".
Physically, I realize that I'm not at a strong level which I know does not help me in dealing with stress. This weekend, I've been fighting off a virus (sore throat, tired, earache, headache) and I've developed painful bursitis in my shoulder. Not the shoulder that just healed after daily pain for 11 months - the other one. I can't move it away from my body without excruciating pain and I can't sleep on it. So basically, in the past year I had 2 weeks without shoulder pain and now I'm back in a lot of pain.
Mentally and emotionally, I feel exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed. I've put off talking to my dad because I don't feel like I can handle one more thing. Of course, not talking to him and/or actively helping him increases guilt and stress. Just like how I need a break from I. to gain some breathing room and perspective increases my guilt and lowers my parenting confidence. Honestly, I think this whole vacation capped off a series of events (Mark's anniversary, Jodi BS, my dad losing his job) has led to a low/medium-grade depression. The three adjectives I used in the first sentence of this paragraph are usually the first symptoms. However, during and after this vacation, I've also felt a great amount of irritation over just about everything and often times feel as though I'm watching and experiencing the good/happy moments like a spectator without truly enjoying them and that makes me sad.
V. recognizes some of these behaviors and says we need to get away for an adults-only vacation. I agree but I'm concerned whether this will be a good time for my parents to be watching her but I guess I'll just ask and find out. Until then, deep breaths and a vodka tonic...
Though I am not completely convinced, in my mind and heart I feel like an incompetent mother. This last vacation has left me exhausted and frustrated as a parent and without some sort of a break from being a parent, my frustration and anger just continues to build. I've heard people say that children will understand if there are more relaxed rules and less strigent schedules while on vacations; that they will understand that when they get home that the "old", regular rules still apply. To that, I say "Bullshit!"
Because now I'm paying the price of trying to be less rigourous and strict. I was paying it throughout the whole damn vacation and now that we're back, I'm STILL paying for it. Tomorrow will be the first day since returning that neither the girls nor V. will be here' it'll just be I. and me and I'll tell you what, there will be a drastic return to how things were. The whining, the 2 year old screeching, the not listening, the defiance, the tantrums, the "I'm not going to eat my dinner but now I want to eat in bed" game - all this is going to end. As a former boss put it, it's time for a "come to Jesus" because I can't take it, not one more day.
I feel like we've gone back two years in ground covered. This evening while V. was washing I. in the bath (or attempting to wash her), I went in my closet and sobbed because I can't take much more. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be yelling at her, frustrated at her, angry towards her because of how she's acting. I think to myself, "If I can't handle ONE four year old child, how the HELL am I going to handle her as she gets older?" It's not like I have multiple children. I can't even seem to deal with one and thus, the label of "incompetent".
Physically, I realize that I'm not at a strong level which I know does not help me in dealing with stress. This weekend, I've been fighting off a virus (sore throat, tired, earache, headache) and I've developed painful bursitis in my shoulder. Not the shoulder that just healed after daily pain for 11 months - the other one. I can't move it away from my body without excruciating pain and I can't sleep on it. So basically, in the past year I had 2 weeks without shoulder pain and now I'm back in a lot of pain.
Mentally and emotionally, I feel exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed. I've put off talking to my dad because I don't feel like I can handle one more thing. Of course, not talking to him and/or actively helping him increases guilt and stress. Just like how I need a break from I. to gain some breathing room and perspective increases my guilt and lowers my parenting confidence. Honestly, I think this whole vacation capped off a series of events (Mark's anniversary, Jodi BS, my dad losing his job) has led to a low/medium-grade depression. The three adjectives I used in the first sentence of this paragraph are usually the first symptoms. However, during and after this vacation, I've also felt a great amount of irritation over just about everything and often times feel as though I'm watching and experiencing the good/happy moments like a spectator without truly enjoying them and that makes me sad.
V. recognizes some of these behaviors and says we need to get away for an adults-only vacation. I agree but I'm concerned whether this will be a good time for my parents to be watching her but I guess I'll just ask and find out. Until then, deep breaths and a vodka tonic...
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Constant Chatter
It's one of those mornings that make me feel like I just want all the noise to stop. From the time I got up, it's been, "I'm hungry. I want this, I want that. Look at this. How do you...?" Constant questions, demands, statements. It...just...needs...to....stop. And quickly. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin literally.
Yes, I realize if something horrible happened and the noise wasn't there, I would be devastated, ruined, without reason. And my brain, the tiniest part that is not being invaded by questions and demands, understands that.
But the rest of my brain, the other 99%, needs some peace and quiet and for this reason, I'm going to hurry as fast as I possibly can to get ready and get to the gym so I can put I. in the kids club. Maybe the combination of vigorous exercise and some peace and quiet will help me handle whatever the rest of the day brings.
Yes, I realize if something horrible happened and the noise wasn't there, I would be devastated, ruined, without reason. And my brain, the tiniest part that is not being invaded by questions and demands, understands that.
But the rest of my brain, the other 99%, needs some peace and quiet and for this reason, I'm going to hurry as fast as I possibly can to get ready and get to the gym so I can put I. in the kids club. Maybe the combination of vigorous exercise and some peace and quiet will help me handle whatever the rest of the day brings.
Friday, January 8, 2010
A Tough Week
An unexpectedly tough week. I guess I thought since I made it successfully through the holiday season, I would be home free. Yeah, not really. 'Cause I had Christmas to look forward to and then Palm Desert. Now, I'm back to feeling as though I can't plan anything because I don't know when or if V. is going to be back and that REALLY frustrates me. Yes, I can make it through day by day but if I feel like I can't look past the errands, daily life, and things that need to get done, to something bigger, special and fun what's the point.
Maybe I should feel as though raising, nuturing, and teaching my daughter is good enough. Maybe I should feel lucky that I don't have to work outside of the home, can be a stay at home momma and that I have a direct deposit paycheck thanks to the hubby. Maybe I should stop my pity party of how I feel like a single mom, how lonely and isolated I feel every evening, how I mentally need something to look forward to and hope for in the future as far as being together as a married couple and family.
All these "shoulds" caused a major argument in my psyche and launched the mean side of me from long ago. The part of me who "should" be feeling and thinking all these things was no match for the mean, taunting side of me who ridiculed and minimized what I was thinking and feeling. As in, "Really, you're a single mom? Most single moms don't have a direct deposit going into their checking accounts." "You're here, getting to schedule what needs to be done and enjoying your little girl's company, what the f**k are you complaining about?" "You're enjoying time in Palm Desert with your little girl, what do you have to complain about?" etc...
This led to a lot of guilt that seemed to break out this week. The Shoulds vs. How I Feel. For some reason I seem to feel that the Shoulds have more credibility and value than how I feel. And when that happens, destructive things start tempting me. We'll leave it at that. As bad timing has it, V. called me the next morning after the bad night with the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I reacted negatively and even though I knew I needed to stop with the reasons why it was an inconvenience, I cited a few reasons and but then it was too late. I could almost feel the door slam shut so I just didn't even try. I sent an email saying I was sorry an hour later but it was too late. It took over 12 hours for him to respond with something along the lines that he needed to wait to respond because although he knew I didn't mean it, it cut him deep. When I tried to fix it, he wouldn't let me so I honestly don't know where we are at right now. Great, another deeply unsettling feeling to deal with...
So he ditched me in every way when Mark died yet I forgave him (though can't forget) and moved on. The chance that he's punishing me for voicing my inconveniences is maddening to me. I do understand to a certain extent and I hope, that when I explained to him the next night what the night beforehand involved, that he understood all that I was struggling against and how overwhelming that was. It's hard to know because he doesn't want to talk about it.
Where does this lead me? I'm not sure but I could use a less stressful weekend, that I do know.
Maybe I should feel as though raising, nuturing, and teaching my daughter is good enough. Maybe I should feel lucky that I don't have to work outside of the home, can be a stay at home momma and that I have a direct deposit paycheck thanks to the hubby. Maybe I should stop my pity party of how I feel like a single mom, how lonely and isolated I feel every evening, how I mentally need something to look forward to and hope for in the future as far as being together as a married couple and family.
All these "shoulds" caused a major argument in my psyche and launched the mean side of me from long ago. The part of me who "should" be feeling and thinking all these things was no match for the mean, taunting side of me who ridiculed and minimized what I was thinking and feeling. As in, "Really, you're a single mom? Most single moms don't have a direct deposit going into their checking accounts." "You're here, getting to schedule what needs to be done and enjoying your little girl's company, what the f**k are you complaining about?" "You're enjoying time in Palm Desert with your little girl, what do you have to complain about?" etc...
This led to a lot of guilt that seemed to break out this week. The Shoulds vs. How I Feel. For some reason I seem to feel that the Shoulds have more credibility and value than how I feel. And when that happens, destructive things start tempting me. We'll leave it at that. As bad timing has it, V. called me the next morning after the bad night with the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I reacted negatively and even though I knew I needed to stop with the reasons why it was an inconvenience, I cited a few reasons and but then it was too late. I could almost feel the door slam shut so I just didn't even try. I sent an email saying I was sorry an hour later but it was too late. It took over 12 hours for him to respond with something along the lines that he needed to wait to respond because although he knew I didn't mean it, it cut him deep. When I tried to fix it, he wouldn't let me so I honestly don't know where we are at right now. Great, another deeply unsettling feeling to deal with...
So he ditched me in every way when Mark died yet I forgave him (though can't forget) and moved on. The chance that he's punishing me for voicing my inconveniences is maddening to me. I do understand to a certain extent and I hope, that when I explained to him the next night what the night beforehand involved, that he understood all that I was struggling against and how overwhelming that was. It's hard to know because he doesn't want to talk about it.
Where does this lead me? I'm not sure but I could use a less stressful weekend, that I do know.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Dealing with Emotions
Kathy and I had a blast at dinner and the show. It's so nice to be with someone who I can totally be myself with and not worry that the person will be "shocked". I notice that I only am able to act like my pre-Momma self with 4 people, all of which I knew during my bad time 10 years ago. I think it's because they knew me then but also because I figure if they stuck with me then through the horrible times, then I can just let it all hang out. That's probably how I. feels about me too, come to think of it.
It's not that I am consciously holding back when I'm with my momma friends, it's like the pre-momma side of me just doesn't really appear. The problem is that whatever the post-momma side of me is, it doesn't consistently appear either. The only time I'm completely comfortable with my post-momma side is when it's just I. and I. When V. is here, he knew me then and loyally stuck by so I successfully divide myself between pre and post-momma me. Confusing, huh?
I've been waiting about 9 months to look at trikes for I.'s Santa present (she gets one from him) and so after I dropped her off at my parents' house, I went to look at some to make sure she would fit on it. Went home and ordered it online in my preferred color, $20 cheaper, free shipping. SCORE! I was so excited picturing her face when she saw it. Then, Sunday afternoon I went and picked up I. from my parents' house and the emotional upheaval began. My mom tells me she needs to show me something that they got her for Christmas and guess what? It's a Big Wheel, which is what I had been looking for but couldn't find and so settled for the trike. This thing's got lights, sounds, and buttons and if I had seen this, this is what I would have bought. I know my face just fell because my mom immediately noticed and even though we decided that they will give her it a few months from now, I still was crushed.
Maybe I'm being a baby but here's the deal. I'm trying to raise (and successfully doing so) an unspoiled, appreciative child. Also, there are 2 other children that we have to support financially so money isn't exactly flowing into the savings account. That being said, my parents are thoroughly enjoying buying lots of things for I. and that is fine by me. This is their only grandchild and I'm not going to begrudge them and it saves me having to buy some things. BUT, just a month ago for I.'s birthday, our big gift to her was to go to Legoland. When I called my parents to make sure they could go with us, my mom said that they had already planned on getting her a season pass and taking all of us to go. Yes, it saved us a bunch of money, but I no longer had her BIG present. Now, 6 mths. in the making, is her Christmas BIG present and it feels like a repeat. I feel like I was so excited only to have the rug pulled out from under me because I know she will like that other ride toy better. I mean, it has sounds, lights, buttons - come on, that's what matters to a little kid. I was so disappointed that when I showered that night, I just cried and continued sobbing at various times throughout the night.
It comes down to this: no matter what I do isn't good enough. Mentally, I challenge that but emotionally, that's how it feels. I plan for 6 months, do all my research, get what I think she wants but my parents get the better gift. I send the check to the girls' mom a couple of days late and still get grief because of it. With V. being gone the whole year, I just feel like the balls are starting to drop. I've worked hard to keep all the balls in the air - the house (needing repairs), the marriage, being a mother, daughter of a mom having health issues, finances, laundry, trash takeout, holiday decorations and celebrations (to keep I. and I's life as normal as possible), keeping myself healthy, taking care of all the pets, still dealing with the loss of Mark, etc. After this entire year, it's building up and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Then when the balls start to drop here and there about stupid, unimportant stuff (ie. the girls' check being mailed 2 days late, not cleaning I.'s tennis shoes diligently), I start saying to myself, "See, no matter how much you do, it's not good enough because the balls are still dropping."
I know I need to cut myself slack, give myself a break, and give myself credit for all the things I successfully accomplish but it's hard. I really think this is my temperament and then my parents unfortunately reinforced this self-defeating mindset unwittingly. Throughout my school years, I would bring home mostly all A's. If it was all A's and one B+, that's what they would focus on. Geez, it's no wonder that I have that line running through my head "No matter what I do, it's not good enough." That being said, I am completely aware of this and have made a conscious promise that I will not do that to I. because I already see the signs in her - easily frustrated over mistakes or unsuccessful attempts, expectation that she can do it right the first time, and thinking she can do something even though it's too advanced for her. Maybe as I give this gift to her that my parents were too young to give to me, I can learn the lesson for myself as well. How many years does it take to unlearn a lesson that's been taught to you for 20+ years? Hopefully I'll learn it before I die.
It's not that I am consciously holding back when I'm with my momma friends, it's like the pre-momma side of me just doesn't really appear. The problem is that whatever the post-momma side of me is, it doesn't consistently appear either. The only time I'm completely comfortable with my post-momma side is when it's just I. and I. When V. is here, he knew me then and loyally stuck by so I successfully divide myself between pre and post-momma me. Confusing, huh?
I've been waiting about 9 months to look at trikes for I.'s Santa present (she gets one from him) and so after I dropped her off at my parents' house, I went to look at some to make sure she would fit on it. Went home and ordered it online in my preferred color, $20 cheaper, free shipping. SCORE! I was so excited picturing her face when she saw it. Then, Sunday afternoon I went and picked up I. from my parents' house and the emotional upheaval began. My mom tells me she needs to show me something that they got her for Christmas and guess what? It's a Big Wheel, which is what I had been looking for but couldn't find and so settled for the trike. This thing's got lights, sounds, and buttons and if I had seen this, this is what I would have bought. I know my face just fell because my mom immediately noticed and even though we decided that they will give her it a few months from now, I still was crushed.
Maybe I'm being a baby but here's the deal. I'm trying to raise (and successfully doing so) an unspoiled, appreciative child. Also, there are 2 other children that we have to support financially so money isn't exactly flowing into the savings account. That being said, my parents are thoroughly enjoying buying lots of things for I. and that is fine by me. This is their only grandchild and I'm not going to begrudge them and it saves me having to buy some things. BUT, just a month ago for I.'s birthday, our big gift to her was to go to Legoland. When I called my parents to make sure they could go with us, my mom said that they had already planned on getting her a season pass and taking all of us to go. Yes, it saved us a bunch of money, but I no longer had her BIG present. Now, 6 mths. in the making, is her Christmas BIG present and it feels like a repeat. I feel like I was so excited only to have the rug pulled out from under me because I know she will like that other ride toy better. I mean, it has sounds, lights, buttons - come on, that's what matters to a little kid. I was so disappointed that when I showered that night, I just cried and continued sobbing at various times throughout the night.
It comes down to this: no matter what I do isn't good enough. Mentally, I challenge that but emotionally, that's how it feels. I plan for 6 months, do all my research, get what I think she wants but my parents get the better gift. I send the check to the girls' mom a couple of days late and still get grief because of it. With V. being gone the whole year, I just feel like the balls are starting to drop. I've worked hard to keep all the balls in the air - the house (needing repairs), the marriage, being a mother, daughter of a mom having health issues, finances, laundry, trash takeout, holiday decorations and celebrations (to keep I. and I's life as normal as possible), keeping myself healthy, taking care of all the pets, still dealing with the loss of Mark, etc. After this entire year, it's building up and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Then when the balls start to drop here and there about stupid, unimportant stuff (ie. the girls' check being mailed 2 days late, not cleaning I.'s tennis shoes diligently), I start saying to myself, "See, no matter how much you do, it's not good enough because the balls are still dropping."
I know I need to cut myself slack, give myself a break, and give myself credit for all the things I successfully accomplish but it's hard. I really think this is my temperament and then my parents unfortunately reinforced this self-defeating mindset unwittingly. Throughout my school years, I would bring home mostly all A's. If it was all A's and one B+, that's what they would focus on. Geez, it's no wonder that I have that line running through my head "No matter what I do, it's not good enough." That being said, I am completely aware of this and have made a conscious promise that I will not do that to I. because I already see the signs in her - easily frustrated over mistakes or unsuccessful attempts, expectation that she can do it right the first time, and thinking she can do something even though it's too advanced for her. Maybe as I give this gift to her that my parents were too young to give to me, I can learn the lesson for myself as well. How many years does it take to unlearn a lesson that's been taught to you for 20+ years? Hopefully I'll learn it before I die.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Overwhelmed and A Little Depressed
This morning was one of the worst mornings I've had in recent memory. I woke this morning to the discovery that one of the cats had filled their stomach with dry food and then chewed on a balloon ribbon which caused he/she to barf up copious amounts of food in 4 different sections of the living room carpet. I cleaned that up after I fed the cats during which time the parrot dumped his entire bowl of food on the ground and with it being tile, the food travelled everywhere.
After the girl cat ate all her food, she started licking her lips, a sure sign that she's going to throw up, so I put her in a bathroom with easy to clean up flooring for 45 minutes. She appeared fine after that so I let her out and started preparing I.'s breakfast when all of a sudden I hear the same cat yowling, meaning "I'm going to throw up NOW!" I run up the stairs, grab her and as I am running to the bathroom she projectile vomits ALL the food all over the carpet upstairs. I used every rag I had left plus tons of cleaner but I think the carpet is permanently stained. I need to get a carpet cleaner in here if there is going to be any hope so just add that to my growing list of things that need to be done.
On top of this, as I was picking up warm, wet dry food and disgusting wet food off and out of the carpet with toliet paper, I asked I. to go downstairs and bring the bottle of cleaner up to me. She snottily responded as she went down the stairs, "I'm not going to do that at all!" Needless to say, that pissed me off so I followed her downstairs, informed her that she was not to speak to me that way and that if she wasn't going to help me at all, she wasn't going to sit down here watching her tv program either - off went the tv. So I proceeded cleaning up the second barf session with a screaming, crying 4 yr. old downstairs. It's not even 9 a.m. yet. Oh and by the way, I found a piece of a leaf that this retarded cat had chewed off of a plant which is what made her throw up AGAIN.
Got us ready, head down the stairs to leave for the gym because God knows I've GOT to get out of this house, and can you believe it? Yep, it's another barf on the frickin living room carpet, this time with a small furball. Really? So I just sat down on the stairs with my head in my hands and held back tears because I am done. Done, done, done. Then I figured, "Well, the day has got nowhere to go but up.", cleaned up the barf, and went to the gym.
It did get better but I still feel so overwhelmed and honestly, a little depressed. So many things to take care of from deciding what to get people for Chistmas, ordering it online, scheduling a carpet cleaner, taking the car in for much needed tire balance and an oil change, juggling my many appts., household finance worries, and I.'s wishes that I attend certain things at school, etc. etc. etc.
All of this PLUS I have nothing (outside of good times with I.) to look forward to. I'm so conflicted about booking something in Idyllwild in case it's just I. and I who go because I think that will make V. feel more down over there. And Thanksgiving isn't looking too hopeful for him making it and neither is Christmas or New Year's. I don't cherish the thought of doing those alone - Christmas Eve and Day last year were depressing. I already know what that feels like so I'm not looking forward to that again especially since this year has been full of so much sadness and loss that is going to be magnified by V. not being here. Oh well, maybe the next 4 days will be better over in Saudi Arabia and he will make it home at least for Thanksgiving.
After the girl cat ate all her food, she started licking her lips, a sure sign that she's going to throw up, so I put her in a bathroom with easy to clean up flooring for 45 minutes. She appeared fine after that so I let her out and started preparing I.'s breakfast when all of a sudden I hear the same cat yowling, meaning "I'm going to throw up NOW!" I run up the stairs, grab her and as I am running to the bathroom she projectile vomits ALL the food all over the carpet upstairs. I used every rag I had left plus tons of cleaner but I think the carpet is permanently stained. I need to get a carpet cleaner in here if there is going to be any hope so just add that to my growing list of things that need to be done.
On top of this, as I was picking up warm, wet dry food and disgusting wet food off and out of the carpet with toliet paper, I asked I. to go downstairs and bring the bottle of cleaner up to me. She snottily responded as she went down the stairs, "I'm not going to do that at all!" Needless to say, that pissed me off so I followed her downstairs, informed her that she was not to speak to me that way and that if she wasn't going to help me at all, she wasn't going to sit down here watching her tv program either - off went the tv. So I proceeded cleaning up the second barf session with a screaming, crying 4 yr. old downstairs. It's not even 9 a.m. yet. Oh and by the way, I found a piece of a leaf that this retarded cat had chewed off of a plant which is what made her throw up AGAIN.
Got us ready, head down the stairs to leave for the gym because God knows I've GOT to get out of this house, and can you believe it? Yep, it's another barf on the frickin living room carpet, this time with a small furball. Really? So I just sat down on the stairs with my head in my hands and held back tears because I am done. Done, done, done. Then I figured, "Well, the day has got nowhere to go but up.", cleaned up the barf, and went to the gym.
It did get better but I still feel so overwhelmed and honestly, a little depressed. So many things to take care of from deciding what to get people for Chistmas, ordering it online, scheduling a carpet cleaner, taking the car in for much needed tire balance and an oil change, juggling my many appts., household finance worries, and I.'s wishes that I attend certain things at school, etc. etc. etc.
All of this PLUS I have nothing (outside of good times with I.) to look forward to. I'm so conflicted about booking something in Idyllwild in case it's just I. and I who go because I think that will make V. feel more down over there. And Thanksgiving isn't looking too hopeful for him making it and neither is Christmas or New Year's. I don't cherish the thought of doing those alone - Christmas Eve and Day last year were depressing. I already know what that feels like so I'm not looking forward to that again especially since this year has been full of so much sadness and loss that is going to be magnified by V. not being here. Oh well, maybe the next 4 days will be better over in Saudi Arabia and he will make it home at least for Thanksgiving.
Monday, March 31, 2008
I Want My Uneventful Life Back Please
I know some people say their life is boring but when I say I want my uneventful, drama-free life back it's far from boring but not so emotionally exhausting. The last 2 weeks have exhausted me - some of which I brought upon myself a little but some of which is totally out of my control but affects me just the same.
A quick tally:
Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness
I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.
I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.
A quick tally:
Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness
I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.
I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.
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