The Hamster's Running on That Damn Wheel Again

Deep breaths, deep breaths. I keep trying to remind myself of this and to just focus on the present but it's against my nature. My tendency when something happens, may happen, or is going to happen is to automatically start thinking about all the situations, challenges and potential issues that may come up for years down the line.

For important decisions in my life, this is good because when I make a decision, it's well thought out, planned ahead for, and usually is the right one. That's great when things in life follow a linear pattern. What's not so great is when something hits me out of left field, all these potential things start bombarding my brain which causes a lot of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. That's where I am right now.

To add to all this, V. has been gone since Thanksgiving and these 3 weeks feel more like 3 months. His days have been so stressful and exhausting that some nights, usually the nights that I really could benefit from hearing his voice, he falls asleep and doesn't call me. Like today. He didn't call us this morning, didn't answer his phone this afternoon, and didn't call tonight. The only contact we had was a short text "conversation" when I informed him that we had just been rearended badly.

Yes, you read that correctly. As though anything else needed to land on my plate, I. and I got slammed from behind. We had just left the house to head to Legoland, stopped at a red light in line for the right turn when wham! we got slammed in the back. There wasn't even the sound of brakes and she was coming down the hill so I know she was probably going at least 30 mph. Everything in the car went flying around and by the time we turned the corner to pull into a parking lot, my head was killing me - instant headache. She kind of apologize with a "Sorry, I'm in a hurry and I'm lost" and then proceeded to pull out her cell phone to leave a message with whoever she was supposed to meet with at 10 (it was now 10:15) to call her so that they could reschedule. She hit us so hard that her front license plate was impaled into my bumper until it was flush with it. These were huge 3 inch long screws that went all the way through. Luckily, there were some guys around that I went and asked if they could help pry it off my car so that I could throw it at this career bitch's head. We went straight to the chiropractor's office because my neck, shoulder and back were killing me and I. was complaining of neck and head pain too.

Now on top of everything else, I'm all out of whack and need to go to the chiropractor several times next week just so things don't get worse. Plus, I get the pleasure of dealing with her insurance company, having to schedule in a meeting with her claims adjuster. Plus, price out a new car seat because in CA, if the seat's been in an accident, you're supposed to replace it. All this on top of I.'s Christmas chapel on Tuesday and Thursday I'm helping out in her class for an hour and a half for Jesus' Birthday celebration.

Oh, don't forget that tomorrow we're getting the Christmas tree and I was going to have to "man" that sucker up a flight of stairs and into the house. The good news about that was that I talked today with Terry and he is going to be in the area tomorrow late morning and stop to lug it in for me. Thank God for him - he's gotten me out of a few jams during our friendship.

And the girls' demands were communicated to V. yesterday and were immediately vetoed. They even had back demands that were also vetoed. Though a little curious about what the demands were, I didn't ask because I knew it would just piss me off and be another negative hamster running through the wheel of my mind. All I asked was what the basis of the veto was and was told by V. that the demands were not anything needed (ie. $350 Juicy Couture purses like last year). So at least that interference was run for me and I don't have to waste any emotional energy on it, at least for now.

Believe it or not, I. and I did still go to Legoland though only for 2 hours. Have YOU ever tried to tell a little kid that you weren't going to go to an amusement park because some stupid lady hit you? I mean, even I don't think that's fair. She ruin enough of our day and part of our future days, so why let her ruin the whole day? We did have fun though I was in pain, because nobody was at the park and we just ran around and walked on every ride and some of them, they asked us if we wanted to just stay on and ride a second time. Sweet!

But now it's evening, I'm tired, hurting, overwhelmed, feeling alone and scared about future uncertainties and there's no one here but the animals. I'll definitely be heading to bed early and hoping for a joyful time of picking out a Christmas tree with I., having an early dinner at a restaurant and hopefully having a relaxing, uneventful day.

Those Old Issues AGAIN

Even though we ended on a high note on Monday night, those old issues/feelings that first resurfaced last summer and then again this weekend have sunk their claws into my psyche. Now it doesn't take much more than a series of coincidences and bad timing to have them morph into some big thing that isn't real though it certainly feels real enough.

The coincidences/bad timings occurred last night. The first was that while I was talking to V., his ex-friend with benefits now just a friend called on his other line. Now this is not normally an issue even though while we were dating it was. I know they talk now and then and I inquire as to what she's up to etc. But with my bruised psyche, I found it interesting that she called at 8pm. which means she knew he wasn't home with me therefore, it was okay to call after hours. On a normal day, I would have chalked this up to the fact that there was a major reorganization announced today which involved V. so she was probably just calling to talk about that. But it's not a normal day...

The second part of bad timing is that Dr. Phil had a show that involved common signs of a cheating spouse. I don't think V. is cheating and I knew I should just hit the delete button but once you start picking the scab it's hard not to just rip the whole thing off, you know? That stupid show led me to a website with info. Like a hypochondriac looking for a disease, I looked at that and by the end of it, I was sick to my stomach. Weight loss, resurgence of working out, may need more time to self, may seem bored with you or family life, emotionally distant, less excited about being with you. Of course, there's about 12 others that don't describe V. but why let that get in the way of a good nervous breakdown?

I need to stop and I know that. This is getting me nowhere but spiraling downward and I already know where the bottom of that pit lies. I need to focus on I. and what I can do to improve our relationship. V. is the most loyal guy I know and he knows in no uncertain terms what it would do to me and our little family if he did stray (I quote, "If you fuck up I.'s world, I will fuck you up so bad.") Did I mention the "no uncertain terms"?! I believe in honesty so that there are no misconceptions. Okay, that made me smile just a little so I'll end there and get on with my day.

The Planets Are Lining Up Against Me...

...but I'm going to fight tooth and nail. As luck has it, V. finally comes home and the day we are to fly to Vegas for a long weekend together, I'm supposed to start my period. So I called the OBGYN yesterday and he recommended starting birth control pills to see if it will delay it. Ironic, eh? We've been trying to conceive for the past year but V.'s schedule always seems to have him leaving the week before the "optimal" time. But I checked with him and it appears that he'll be gone before the "optimal" time this coming month anyways so I started the birth control pills and hopefully won't be bloated, bleeding, and bitchy on our long awaited Vegas trip!

As though that weren't enough, I woke up this morning to a sore throat, clogged ears, stuffy nose, and some sneezing. It appears that I am fighting some sort of virus off too. Come on - really?! I went to the grocery store and got some Airborne to either stave it off or help me recover in record time because I DON'T want to be bleeding and sick while we're in Vegas.

I swear to God if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have ANY luck at all. I hate to be a pessimist, but that's been the case for about 20+ years. Maybe the next 20 years will be better...