Tough Week

It's been a busy couple of weeks.  I feel the end of the school year quickly approaching and the hot breath of things that would be easier to get done before that date on my neck.  The feelings of chaos, clutter, and being overwhelmed has been at my heels the past 2 weeks and a wicked, bleeding case of diaper rash for poor D. has only intensified the clamor. 

All this week my normal routine has been thrown into disarray.  I've been going to bed late, getting D. up late at night to change him to try to divide his night by dry diapers.  I've been getting up early to limit the time his normal morning poop is resting against his butt.  When he wakes up early at morning nap, I have to stop my work out and get him up to get the poop off his butt.  And in the afternoon when I normally grab 1.5 hours to gather steam and get some things done, I've had to get him up as soon as I hear him whimpering.  I feel so bad for my little guy as I truly understand how painful and irritating and exhausting pain in that region can be but after an entire week, I am physically and emotionally exhausted myself in dealing with his irritability and tantrums solo since V. has been gone since Sunday.

Today was just one of those uphill, backwards with a leg tied up behind me kind of day.  It was so bad that even I., my non-empathy child, felt sorry for me.  I was physically wrecked and emotionally done but the straw on the camel's back was a voice mail from my sister early this afternoon.  Considering our history, this was not surprising.  Unbeknownst to me, she's landed herself in jail and calls my cell phone to tell me that she thinks she can't come back and live with my parents because I am being selfish and having my kids live in her room a few nights of the week.  And she doesn't understand why she is being isolated from the family on holidays because she didn't do anything and it must be me because I am the eldest.  And she is pleading with me as a sister to let her plant her feet into her room at my parents' house and that none of this is her fault, blah blah blah.  It pissed me off and exponentially added to my feeling of being overwhelmed.  If I was a more irresponsible person, I would have insisted upon a night and day by myself to just detox and recover.

But I am a very responsible person and I have missed V. this week and would like to see him and my step-daughters are finally coming down tomorrow afternoon and it will be good to catch up with them.  So, I take a deep breath and hope for a better day, knowing that at the very least, I won't have to get up extra early since V. is here.  He'll be up at 4:30 or 5:00 so getting the kids up by 6:30 is like nothing to him.  Hopefully that will be enough to hit my reset button.

Sick But Smart

D. is sick again with a nasty cold.  I had a feeling he was coming down with something yesterday because whenever he is getting sick, the bedtime routine is BAD.  Torturously bad meaning that while I'm trying to wash I.'s hair or comb it out or braid it, D. is being as naughty as he can be.  I call it the Pinball Gremlin routine because he literally goes from one thing he knows he's not supposed to do, to the next thing to the next thing and then repeats over and over again as I get more frustrated and sweaty.  Yesterday he went from opening drawers all the way to unrolling the toliet paper to opening up the toilet to pulling on the toliet flusher to messing with his sister's jewelry case, this last one on his tippy tippy toes.  Let me say this first, I have childproofed the cabinets in the bathroom but not the drawers because there isn't anything unsafe in the drawers; it's just that he keeps pulling them all the way out that I have a problem with.  Yes, I did get a toliet lock but it doesn't work with our toliet lid; it actually prevent the lid from closing so not too helpful there.  My solution last night to his antics was to park I. on top of the toliet so he couldn't open the lid and put her in charge of thwarting toliet flushing and jewelry case antics.  I, while combing through her hair which is for some reason snarling like crazy these days, would systematically balance on one leg while blocking drawers with my other leg and took the toliet paper off the roll to stop that annoyance.

Yet somehow he just continued getting into trouble, slipping on the rug leading to banging his head into the wall which erupted into howls at the top of his lungs.  Meanwhile, I. was lamenting loudly about all the negative aspects of having a little brother.  It almost got to be too much and all I wanted was to throw them both in their beds and collapse on the couch downstairs.  We made it through, albeit not as gracefully as I would have like and definitely a lot more sweatier.  So when he woke up crying last night and I could hear the congestion, I wasn't surprised.

On the smart side of things, D. continues to surprise me with things he understands.   I mean, he's only 15, almost 16 months old.  But all of a sudden he's doing sign language back to me - cat, dog, bird, airplane, more, please, frog.  Also, he likes to go outside on the patio to play and was gesturing to me that he wanted to go out there.  I was cleaning up the kitchen and I told him we would as soon as I went to the bathroom.  Well do you know that little guy immediately left the kitchen and went and opened the bathroom door for me and waited?  Lastly, I don't talk on the phone hardly at all when the kids are around because to be honest, it's usually just not worth the aggravation that typically ensues.  On Wednesdays, I talk to my mom while he's down for a nap and sometimes we're not done when it's time to get him up so he has seen my earpiece maybe once a week.  Yesterday he was rummaging through the diaper bag pockets, another one of his favorite activities, and discovered my earpiece.  He ran over to me with it in his hand and then stuck it in his ear.  This kid was alert and observant from the moment he came out so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Gotta run and get D. up and I. from school.  Also need to keep hydrating since I foresee a good possibility that it's going to be another sweaty bedtime hour.

Emotional Upheaval

D.'s last breastfeeding session was Thursday night at 10:30 and now it's Sunday night.  It's been rough for both he and I.  This is not weaning.  Weaning is a gradual process, one where hopefully both the child and the mother can gradually get used to stopping the nursing bond.  Going from 7 nursings a day to 0 nursings a day is not weaning.  Yes, I. did this exact same thing and it was horrible.  I was not prepared and it broke my heart but she moved on and never looked back which in some way made it a little easier to deal with.

D. is upset by it even though he is the one causing it.  Every morning he cries angrily for a long time when I come and get him.  He turns away from my breast but then screams at the top of his lungs, writhing, pinching, and clawing at me with this despondent sound that I've never heard from him but feel deep in my soul.  Because his cry out loud gives voice to exactly what my grieving soul feels.  He thrashes in my arms, fighting hard against me but I don't give up, I won't give up because I feel his pain, it's what I feel too.  And after I refuse to give up, holding him, protecting him from hurting himself, whispering to him, he finally relaxes against my chest but just continues sobbing quietly as I begin to sing to him.  It breaks my heart.  Beginning each day like this is beyond painful.  The rest of the day is better but he definitely wants to sit with me, be held by me more than usual and to be honest, that's fine with me because we could both use that right now.

I have begun new routines for nap times and bed time to help him adjust and they have seem to be working with him going down yesterday and today without fuss.  I've been offering nursing once at every usual time with him declining until tonight at bedtime.  Whenever I offer, he's been turning his head away and getting a little upset at my offering so tonight at bedtime I didn't offer and started going into our new routine.  He turned his head and looked at me like, "Where is it?" so I pulled up my shirt and offered it to him.  He leaned in and gave a couple of sucks and then let go and fussed so we moved back to our new reading routine.  Just in case, I will continue to pump until he gets over this cold but in my heart, I don't believe he's going to want to nurse again.

The additional hard part is that no one understands what I'm going through unless they've actually been through it.  Having a child subsist because of the milk your body naturally produces is amazing.  Then going from 7 nursings to 0 nursings is difficult.  Double pumping 5-6 times a day causes hormonal surges that make me feel tired and really emotional.  Just what I need at this point in time.  But I want to pump in case he does change his mind after he feels better.  Plus, I am mixing the milk with his food so he is still getting fluid and all its nutrients.  That's probably my biggest concern at this point - he refuses to drink any fluids via multiple types of cups, spoons etc. so any milk I can combine with foods is the only fluid he's getting and judging by his diapers, it's not enough.  The last thing we need is dehydration.

It's just a tough time around here and I"m hoping it gets better in some way soon.

Not For Sissies

Tired.  That's what I am.  This morning was an uphill battle.  In addition to last night's disobedience, I. took it to a new level this morning.  Her room was a mess as it always is in the morning and as she was complaining about cleaning it up, I made a comment that I didn't want to hear any more grumbling about it to which she replied in a dismissive tone, "Oh calm down."  EXCUSE ME?  At that point, the television with Curious George on pause went off.  Strike three occurred when I went upstairs 30 minutes later to get D.'s crib ready for nap and found that although I. came downstairs acting like their room was cleaned up, it was not picked up at all.  That hit the dishonesty button from last night.

I took D. for nursing and nap and the consequence came to me clearly.  It was obvious when I came downstairs that I. knew she had seriously overstepped the boundaries because she was trying to make nice.  Unfortunately it was too late and Momma lowered the boom though with empathy.  She had to stay in a room all day and additionally write 100 times, "I will respect Mommy and my room."  I know it sounds harsh but honestly all summer it's been nothing but consequences here and there, seemingly constantly.  I.'s problem is that she has a hard head and a soft heart but this summer her head has had a direct link to her mouth and then her heart follows up much too late.  That has to change.

So at the end of the day after much moaning, crying, and screaming, here's what we were left with:

This was I.'s required apology, something that she really has a problem with.  Even so, she wrote it, brought it down, and said that she didn't want to have to say it.  Oh vey.  It felt sincere to me so I accepted it.  Just another thing to work on for the next 12 years.  Did I mention she's only 6?  Makes me tired just thinking of it.

Parenting a child with character is not for sissies.

My Investment

Yesterday was another uphill climb of a day.  I know how much I. needs sleep.  I've made HUGE sacrifices every since she's been born to ensure she gets enough sleep.  This has been one of the reasons I stressed out when I found out I was pregnant with D.  I knew they would ultimately wind up in the same bedroom and I knew it could end up with dire consequences if I. did not get enough sleep.

I have to admit, it's going much better than anticipated though not without a steep price.  Yes, they are pretty much on the same sleep schedule which is downright amazing considering a 6 year difference.  It's evened out by D.'s predictable (2) 1.5 naps a day.  I still make a concerted effort to get I. to bed at a time that allows her to mellow out for a bit and then fall asleep while still giving her about 11-12 hours of sleep which she needs in order to function as a  well behaved, well rested child.  There are rules however to safeguard her sleep and she willfully disobeyed one of those and yesterday we all paid the price.  Consequences were swift.  We were going to go to the beach in the morning when D. woke up but not with the behavior going on  so that was a big loss.  Instead we went grocery shopping (pretty depressing, huh?).  Instead of playing with her while D. was asleep, I got things done and relaxed which I really needed to do since I was battling nursing issues and some virus of some sort.

Last night I wrote in I. and I's journal.  She pulled it out at dinner yesterday and said, "You said we were going to have a fun summer!"  And I replied, "I have had a lot of fun things planned for the summer but we haven't been able to do them because of your behavior."  I explained to her what her rights were (safety, food, love) and privileges (tv, video games, fun outings, toys, clothes) and that in order for the latter to happen, her behavior had to be acceptable.  So I wrote in the journal and she read it this morning and once again, my girl reappeared today.  Helpful, cheerful, no back talking, very little complaining, and almost no negativity.  She woke up today at 4:30am so she was yawning and saying she was tired at 3:30pm but she still kept it together.

This makes me feel better because I know she can control herself when she chooses to.  Since I have bipolar,schizo, and depression tendencies running through my genes I am unfortunately on alert for these things in my kids.  Is I. acting this way because she is unable to control herself, is she bipolar?  Or is she just needing to mature and be required to control her strong emotions as she gets older?  I think the answer is that she can when she wants to but sometimes if the price is not steep enough and she just doesn't feel like it, she lets it all hang out.

I guess I just have to have hope and keep praying for her and for me to keep consistently and calmly doing the right thing.  And keep communicating verbally and writing in our journal since that seems to make it further in her heart.  The words I say she doesn't want to hear even when I keep them to a short minimum.  She says,"I don't want to hear any more."  It seems not so much to be her being rude as it is that the words overwhelm her.  Yet I can write quite a bit and say a lot of things in a written format and she seems to not only take it in but take it to heart and enjoy it.

I love my girl.  She is so complicated that it exhausts me almost all of the time lately but I'll tell you what, if she emerges into adulthood successfully there will be no person prouder and quicker to take a lot of credit than myself.  She is a true investment.

Jekyll and Hyde

Each morning when I wake up, before I get out of bed I pray for patience, wisdom and a gentle heart because I have no idea who I'll be encountering throughout the day when it comes to I.  These days it seems I spend time with Jekyll and Hyde instead of I.

Last week I suppose was the honeymoon week after I. spent 4 days at my parents' house.  I. was back to her loving, appreciative, positive, happy, and sometimes helpful self.  However, this week has been an entirely different story.  The first two days of the week went really badly - loud crying tantrums about putting toys away in her room in the morning followed by another one when the loss of tv privileges for the day were revoked as a consequence.  The afternoon featured talking back, not minding, and giving attitude when asked to do anything and another tantrum occurred when I yanked my reading to her at bedtime as the consequence.  First thing in the morning Tuesday we started our day with a blatant lie to my face leading to privileges being revoked, resulting in a screaming tantrum albeit shorter.  Honestly I think the worst punishment was that she had to apologize for lying.  Sadly I think the only reason she finally did apologize was because she knew another consequence was about to come down. In the afternoon, she made me a card that she wrote,"Just want to let you know that I love you so much Mommy. I do I do I do love you."  So sweet yet very confusing to me.

Yesterday morning she cleaned up her room thoroughly without complaint which was great and was a significant improvement.  Things were okay until midday when the negative complaining started up again and since she just seemed to not be able to stop her mouth, I told her to go into her room before it got her into more trouble.  Again in the afternoon, she made me a card that said,"I am so sorry about the way I acted Mommy and I hope you know that I love you and you are the best Mommy that I could ever have."  It made me tear up and I told her that I loved the card and I wished this Isabella with the sweet heart would be around a lot more than she had been lately.

Today was better, no cleaning up problems and when she started complaining and to make snotty, defiant comments, I told her that she needed to control her mouth or go somewhere else unless she wanted to be punished.  And she pretty much stopped.  Unfortunately she ignored my "you need to lower your voice" several times at the chiropractor late this afternoon and threw a little tantrum there so I calmly told her on the way home that that was unacceptable behavior and that she would be going straight to bed after bath without me reading to her.  What was interesting is that she didn't cry, scream or carry on like she usually does.  I think she expected it and therefore, accepted it.

So maybe I am making headway.  Throughout this week I've explained to her that my job as a mommy is not to be her friend but to love her and to teach her right from wrong and how to make good choices.  Sometimes that means that I have to discipline her when she makes bad choices and I don't enjoy it but it's part of my job and I have to do it.  She gets that now.  She  may not like it, but she gets it.  By giving out consequences quickly and consistently, I feel less angry and frustrated and able to move past the tirade more quickly because I feel like it's been dealt with.

I don't want it to look like all I've been doing is punishing her because we've done plenty of fun things too.  Every day we play cards together or do a science experiment or color. Tomorrow we're going in the pool for a couple of hours and hit the library in the afternoon.   It's just a matter of balance between what needs to get done and things we do for fun.  I just wish that switch between Jekyll and Hyde came with a flashing light so that you could see when it's coming and be a little less blindsided.  I. is just a complicated child with so much going on internally and very little easing out externally until an explosion hits.  I know V. being gone all week has played a significant role based on things she says here and there.  Since Monday she's been "wishing it was Friday so Daddy would be home."  and "I only like Saturdays and Sundays because Daddy's home, I don't like the other days."  I can empathize with her but I can't fix it and it's frustrating.  It's also frustrating because when I tell V., he doesn't believe it really and I don't know if it's because of his past divorce and not being a huge part of the girls' lives.  When I tell him what I. says he says, "She's just saying that to get to you and look, it's working."  I've told him to stop poo-pooing her feelings and start being more sensitive towards her feelings because he's going to hurt her heart and if he hurts her heart, I'm gonna kill him.  Plain and simple.  I've even developed a code word that I say to him when I sense that she is needing him or something from him and he's obliviously trampling on her or not taking her seriously.  It has helped and adds levity to what could be a trigger to really bad feelings between V. and I.

I hope by the end of summer that we are in a good place, a more peaceful and consistently happy place.

Tough Mothering Day

Today I didn't feel the perspective of my last post.  We're in day two of summer vacation.  Don't mistake me, I was really looking forward to having I. home for summer vacation.  And I still have hope but slogging through these early days has been difficult for a few reasons.

First, I. thinks that all my time should be spent playing with her.  I try explaining to her that Mommy still has to get everything done that she normally gets done while I. is at school.  Mommy doesn't get summer vacation .  That being said, I am having her help in the morning getting stuff done so that we do have time before D. gets up from morning nap to do something together.  In the afternoon after "rest time" which consists of about 45 minutes, I make a point of playing some sort of game with her.  However, it seems to be a case of "what have you done for me this past minute (not even lately)" and honestly, it kind of pisses me off.  

Secondly, I. is complaining a whole lot.  About everything and anything.  And it's driving me up the wall.  Seriously.  When I'm in hour 7 of her complaints, and granted it is interspersed with good moments when I'm playing with her (see above), I start seeing red.  Take for instance today.  Came down in the morning, I. says she's not hungry.  Well D. definitely is so I make him his breakfast.  Five minutes later as I'm sitting down to feed him, I. says she's hungry and proceeds to complain that I'm feeding him first.  Lunchtime it's the same complaint.  We play a fun game in the afternoon while D. is napping and then head out for the chiropractor.  They have now moved just down the street and we've been talking about walking/I. biking down to our appointments.  Everything is great on the way there but on the way home, all I hear is complaining and grumbling.  By the time we reach our complex she's in full tilt mode and as much as I have been ignoring her verbal negativity, I'm not able to ignore it any longer because it's in full tilt.  She refuses to go up the hill so I tell her to get off the bike and walk it up then which leads to more bad attitude and her hitting her leg into the pedal.  I know that hurts and maybe I should have hugged and consoled.  However, if she hadn't been throwing her little fit, it probably wouldn't have happened in the first place.  I shut my mouth since we're literally steps from our street and we cross over to our street.  Then she proceeds to throw a fit because she's going to have to go up an incline towards the garages.  As she reaches a loud, whining pitch, I pull her off the bike and order her up to the garage.  Was it my finest hour?  No, it wasn't and as I pushed D. in the stroller and I.'s bike up the incline and down the alley, I. started shrieking at the top of her lungs.  Maybe I should have been that ideal mom to lower my voice and bend down to her level and attempted to talk to her.  Get to the root of her feelings and frustration.  But my experience with that has been that she won't talk when she's at that point anyway.

To add to all this, V. has been gone so we're discussing this over the phone.  He said that the girls went through this complaining phase but it was always worse with their mother.  Since I've been around he's talked about how the girls argue and act up with their mother but not with him and I saw that too.  However, he would attribute that to how the mother would interact with the girls and while that may be true, some of the compliance with him was because he wasn't the primary parent.  I see that now.  I am careful to not be I.'s friend and be on her level, which was a problem with the older girls and their mother.  That being said, there is definitely something to be said about only being around less than 25 hours a week like V. is.  And that's on a good week.  Of course, I. is not going to argue and act out against the parent who is only there a little while each week.  This is the parent who she is craving and missing so she's not going to act up.  My annoyance with V. which I plan on telling him is that I think he's naive in thinking that his kids mind him better and don't act up with him because of how he parents.  It's not that.  It's that he's the one leaving all the time, the one whose presence they can't necessarily depend upon and they don't want to do anything to further limit that or jeopardize that.

I have to be honest, it makes me sad to acknowledge that.  I have to hope that even though V. works so much that having an intact marriage will help our children despite his absence.

IT Happened Again

The day started promising enough, D. went back to sleep after a 4:55 feeding and took a good nap until 11:30. I pumped around 11 and combined some past milk pumping into a bottle so that when he woke up, we could just leave and head to I.'s Christmas party.

All went well until we got to I.'s school and D. refused to take the bottle. The nipple was just pissing him off and for the first time, he was pissing me off. With all the noise, I took him into the quiet hall to see if I could get him to eat to no avail. I was getting upset because the whole point was to be there for I.'s party and instead I'm in a hallway, struggling with a crying infant, and because I pumped everything into a bottle I have nothing in the breast reserves. Add to that my doctor's appt. from yesterday where supposedly I need to figure out how to supplement him and the fact that he refuses to take a bottle put me over the edge.

So I ended up going back into her classroom just so I could at least be there for her since she was so visibly excited by my arrival. I grabbed a blanket and began stressfully nursing him with empty breasts in a room full of inquisitive kids plus parents with the noise level thanks to all the sugar reaching a deafening pitch. Yesterday's doctor's appointment just added to the whole thing: you can try to feed D. but it won't be enough. The panic of him needing to eat after 3 hours and me already pumping, not having any milk now, and him refusing the bottle/nipple put me over the edge.

And that's when IT happened. My disassociation from my surroundings, mentally digesting what my eyes were seeing and my ears were hearing. Responding verbally to what was going on but emotionally disconnecting. It was as though a switch was turned off. Right beforehad, my stress level was rising, my anger was peaking, my frustration was off the charts, I was overwhelmed, the chaotic noise of 18 kindergartens hopped up on sugar was really loud and then CLICK....my feeling/heart/emotions went numb. My mind still observed but the rest of me was floating above watching but not feeling. After it was over, I was left very irritable like a raw nerve.

I'm not sure what is causing this disassociation but it's real. I mean it's a function of being overwhelmed and overloaded but it still kind of disturbs me.

Fighting the Spiral

I just need to get the afternoon out of my brain before I head to bed or it's going to carry over into tomorrow.

D. had his 4 month appointment this afternoon. I thought it would go relatively well. Yes, I know he didn't gain as much weight as the doctor would like but he does have some pudge on his legs now and he's definitely grown longer. Plus developmentally he's right there - with me, V., and I. he squeals, "talks" and tries to communicate, with others he smiles broadly when spoken to, he is alert and focuses on people plus he's grabbing at things with success. No, he isn't lifting his chest up when he's on his belly and that's my fault. I haven't thought it to be a good idea to put him on his belly right after he eats and if I wait 15-30 minutes after he's eaten, it's time to take I. to school, be picking her up or getting him down for nap or bed.

Well, it didn't go well. According to all the charts, he is sliding off the bottom of the charts. He's not gaining weight at an acceptable rate, his height is slow and so is his head circumference. She started talking about supplementation and my stress level just multiplied. I'm struggling to feed him 8 times a day and keep up with I.'s half day kindergarten schedule and needs along with their 5pm bedtime and now I need to consider adding bottles, pumping and/or formula? The doctor saw my face and recognized that I was upset and discouraged. Yeah, and add overwhelmed to that list.

The old mantra started up in my head on the way home and continues its chant "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough." Add to that the fact that I.'s Christmas party is tomorrow and tonight when she went to bed, she asked a cryptic question "Will other people be coming to the party tomorrow?" Finally drilled down to the fact that she was asking if Iwas coming to the party to which I had to reply that if D. woke up early from his nap, I would definitely come. She wanted to know why I couldn't wake him up from his nap and I told her that since he had 3 vaccinations today, he may have a fever tomorrow and not feel well so he needed to get as much sleep as his body needed. As I walked out of her room, what did I hear in my head? "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough."

If I didn't know already that I was not cut out to be a mother of three, I know it for a fact now because I am having a hard time feeling as though I am somehow shortchanging both of my kids in different ways (I. attention; D. tummy time)pretty much every day.

That being said, I am trying though struggling to maintain perspective. My friend's wife is battling pancreatic cancer, my best friend died of pancreatic cancer, so many women try IVF to just have one kid and I have 2 healthy kids, naturally conceive and a strong marriage. Really when I think of that, it helps me change the mantra chanting in my mind to "Everything is okay, everything is okay."

It's just a constant challenge to defeat the old way of thinking. Can't expect many, many years of reinforced thinking to just go away. I think it's going to be a lifelong battle.

The awesome parts of today were first going in to get D. up from his morning nap. He was awake, just lying there looking around. I said my usual naptime greeting of "Is there a handsome baby boy in here?" and he turned his head and gave me a huge grin. I picked him up and went on to our second routine which is me holding him against me, still swaddled, and looking at the two of us in the mirror. I say, "Who's that?" and he looks in the mirror at me, lights up with a big smile, and then buries his face into my chest to snuggle. The second awesome part was booktime with I. and D. though this happens every day when V. isn't here, which is quite often. After I's bath, I set D. down on her pillow and she and I lay down on either side of him while I read 2 books. D. gets so excited while we are reading - the whole time he's making noises, has his mouth wide open, punctuating the air with flailing hands and kicking legs. The third awesome part was bathtime with D. He is most talkative during bathtime warmup - squealing and talking and giggling. In the bath he was kicking up a storm, leaving me and the floor very wet. For some reason when I give him a bath he is much more active with his kicking (and peeing for that matter) than when V. gives him his bath. Still trying to figure that out...

Things Aren't So Good

Things have gotten really tough around here. D. has gotten more fussy and unpredictable with his sleep. I'll have 2 or 3 decent nights of sleep with decent meaning getting up twice a night but D. going back to sleep relatively quickly. Then I'll have a nightmare of a night like last night. He got up to eat at 12:45 but then wouldn't go back to sleep until 3:20. Not going back to sleep means I'm pacing the bedroom with him in a sling, practically falling asleep on my feet and knowing that I'm once again doing damage to my nether region. Finally at 3:20, he fell asleep enough that I could lie on the bed and pass out with him on me until 4:15 when I woke up with my body all contorted and placed him carefully in the crib next to me. I dropped back in bed exhausted and slept all of 45 minutes when he woke up to eat at 5:00. Thank God today was Saturday so I didn't have to get up with an alarm so after I finished feeding him and he fell asleep quickly, we slept from 5:45 to 8:00. But I am exhausted. Totally.

Right now, it's after 7pm and D. is upstairs screaming bloody murder. He should have fallen asleep at 4:30 but we got home from linner a little late and I didn't finish feeding him til 5:30. I knew this was probably not going to be good but V. keeps saying that if he stays up longer, he'll sleep longer. I know this not to be true. But we are trying to keep up the linner tradition and I thought it would be okay. I guess not because after I fed him, he fell asleep until I put him down. Then he immediately woke up. So V. got him and tried to put him to sleep to no avail which left me having to put him in the sling and walk around with him until he fell asleep again. I let him sleep for a little while to get through a sleep cycle but then when I put him down he woke up immediately and started crying. Thus, he's upstairs screaming.

I'm exhausted, my anxiety level is sky high because I feel like it's all up to me and if I can't do it, he doesn't sleep and this wicked cycle starts. I am stressed going to bed every night not knowing if I'm going to be up all night pacing torturously. There aren't many worse things for a new mom than feeding your kid and then watching the time to the next feeding ticking away as your baby screams and requires you to be up pacing. I feel like I'm losing my mind with this unpredictability of not knowing if I'm going to have 2 minutes to myself or 2 hours. I feel like as soon as I get him down, I'm anxiously holding my breath for him to be up crying AGAIN.

To add to it, and this may be TMI, I finally stopped bleeding for the past 2 days. Until this afternoon and it started again as well as some of the pain. Big surprise there.

So why don't I have V. help? Well, he can't do the feeding since I'm still trying to make sure I keep my milk production up. V. can't help during the night because he's up at 2:30 to start his 16 hour work day. V. is upstairs right now and D. has stopped crying so I assume he is rocking him in the rocking chair. The thing is that it's almost time to feed him again and there really hasn't been any time to myself. That is, relaxing, anxiety-free time to myself. This is exactly how it was with I. too and brings back the memory of sobbing down in the laundry room because it was the farthest place I could get from her without leaving the house.

I felt like I was a really good mom to one kid. I really don't feel like a good mom to two right now. Sometimes I can pull off the juggling routine but it's so hit and miss that even when it works decently, I feel like I should just chalk it up to luck, sheer dumb luck.

I am just hoping against hope that he sleeps longer tonight and that I'm not up all night because I will literally be a loon tomorrow. I pray every night and throughout the night that D. will go to sleep. Some nights it happens and obviously some nights it doesn't. I pray for all of our mental health sake's that it happens tonight.

Why So Quiet?

I realize I haven't posted for almost a week. It wasn't that there wasn't anything to post about. It was mainly because the things that were going on were highly aggravating and took up so much mental energy that I just could not bring myself to blog about them at night.

I think the key word for this week has been "overwhelmed". It was frustrating enough to be the middle man with the insurance people and contractor; trying to babysit necessary steps through the process in order to get the house put back together. And no, as of today, we still are missing ceilings and floors so that tells you just how successful my efforts have been on this endeavor.

Add to this insurance project the fact that the car insurance claim for when we were rearended is still not complete. The chiropractor has not submitted any bills to my insurance company. Meanwhile, the other person's insurance company is trying to get me to settle with them with a low maximum amount for doctor's costs. My fear is that if my insurance company cannot recover the medical costs from the other insurance company, they will come after us for the difference. With the medical event of having a baby this summer, I certainly don't want an unexpected bill arriving for something that wasn't my fault. So I need to nag the chiropractor to get their bills in for the last 2 months and call my insurance agent to see if this fear of mine is reality or make believe.

As though I didn't have enough insurance fun going on, my health insurance company decided that they were only going to pay $1.87 on the first trimester blood tests and leave the other $600+ for us to pay. Since we pay out the butt every month for this health insurance, receiving this bill from the lab made me say, WTF?! So I added that to my daily list of insurance phone calls that I so enjoy making.

On top of this mental aggravation, my back has decided that it's been way too nice to me since it last went completely haywire in San Francisco. My tailbone decided to not only twist in an unnatural direction but also tilt at an odd angle resulting in excruciating pain that lasts all night and all day. At night, it's like a horror show. The only position that feels halfway decent is lying on my back, which happens to be the only position that I'm not supposed to be in because it reduces oxygen flow to both baby and I. That leaves me rolling side to side with searing pain in my lower back and hips all night long. Not conducive for good sleep that's for sure. Daytime hours are even more of a struggle because life goes on - laundry still needs to be done, errands need to be run, I. needs to be bathed etc. When sitting, walking, and standing cause excruciating pain, it makes for a emotionally and physically exhausting day.

But I struggle through, knowing that the pain is caused by shifting pelvic ligaments and muscles making room for my little guy. I think I secretly hope that if I go through all this pain now, cosmically I'll be rewarded in some way. Immature and irrational I know but pain causes you to not think particularly clearly.

On a good note, I met with a doula yesterday and felt comfortable with her so that's in place and I can check that off my list. And next weekend is our weekend in Laguna Beach just V. and I and that is definitely something to look forward to. I'll try not to remember that this will be our last weekend for at least 18 months and just enjoy the break. God knows I could use a break from this house, from my projects and duties, and from being a momma.

Misery Loves Company

Yesterday was spent in the house being "chased" around by no less than 5 different people. In a 1300 sq. foot house, that leaves you approximately 1 room that you can hide in. Unfortunately, I had to "hide" in that room with a unhappy, rambunctious 5 year old and 2 highly aggravated cats. It was almost enough to make me wish I was secluded in the small downstairs bathroom with the obnoxious parrot - that's where I hid him for the day.

There was nothing but bad news yesterday it seems and by the time 5pm rolled around, I was overwhelmed. Actually, by noon I was overwhelmed and by 5 pm, I'm not sure what state I was in. Probably closer to hysterics because when I did finally sit down and attempt to watch tv over the din of noise and the circuit breaker tripped, due to all the loud equipment that is on in the house, I just sat there in the dark and started laughing. And not really a good sort of laughing.

The bottom line is that in I.'s room, all the flooring in the bathroom and bedroom has been ripped out and today part of her walls will be removed. Here's what it looked like last night when she went to bed:

Behind the plastic is a huge dehumidifier and 4 big fans trying to dry the place out. It's a mess.

The downstairs bedroom took a direct hit. Here's what it looked like after Day 1

Today they are going to tear down all the walls in this room. I can't even imagine the amount of noise that will be added to the already loud din of air purifiers, dehumidifiers, and industrial fans. It's sensory overload.

The reason for this post's title, "Misery Loves Company" is that V. couldn't comprehend the amount of chaos that was in this house yesterday. But this morning, he was wandering around the house muttering about "clutter" and "claustraphobia" and this is before the 4 guys get added to the mix and before the pounding, ripping, and yelling gets started. Oh yes, he will feel my pain of yesterday and I have to say I will get a sick pleasure of some sort from it. Last weekend I threw a mini tantrum about the level of clutter in this house and the couple of mini projects that he has put off for years that would help with the clutter. He had no idea where all this was coming from and reluctantly did one of the projects (it took all of 20 minutes). Yet after just one week of being home in the evenings (a very rare occurance), he is stressing out today about the clutter. It's not that I don't keep a clean house. It's just that the amount of pieces of paper, crafts, stickers, and Shrinky Dinks multiply daily and I. is like V. in that neither of them likes to throw things out. Better to just put them in a pile in the corner "just in case". This behavior drives me nuts and now it's driving him nuts.

So, we'll see how everyone fares today. Maybe more pics tomorrow.

Our Idyllwild Trip

Here's our cabin from the back hill. When we got here it was pouring rain, 35 degrees and dropping, and the property mgmt. company who had our keys was closed for some unknown reason. After an emergency call, we finally got the keys, careened to the cabin on icy patches, and unloaded the car in the freezing rain up 2 flights of icy stairs. That's when we found out that the groceries that were supposed to be in the cabin, were not there and we basically had no food. Thank God I packed I. dinner but poor V. had to make a quick, scary trip to the closest store to get anything he could find to eat. Good thing because we were iced in for another day and a half - lots of pasta and sauce with turkey hotdogs. I don't think I'll ever eat a turkey hotdog again.


There was a chest of costumes upstairs in the loft so the next day, we rummaged around and this is what we came up with.

What would an Idyllwild trip be without some twilight and sunset pictures? I hiked up the back snow covered hill until I was high enough to almost see the horizon.

I just stood still and watched the sky go from dark blue to lavender with brilliant yellows, pinks, and oranges. It was so quiet. All I could hear was the sound of snow falling off the pine trees.

Gorgeous!

Icicles are cool until you're trying to walk down these stairs. Solid sheets of ice but they were fun to break off, I have to admit.

I really wanted one fire while we were up in Idyllwild. I mean, that's part of the experience. Problem was that we didn't have any little wood for kindling. So I took the first shift and split logs with the claw of a hammer until I couldn't and V. took over. We should have probably stopped now.


Here's the result of our hard work and we actually kept it going for a few hours. I had forgotten how much work it takes to keep a fire going though. Makes me enjoy our gas fireplace at home but you can't beat the smell of real wood burning.

Here's the reason we should have stopped with the hammer. V. took a chunk out of his palm and there was blood everywhere. No first aid kit, no bandaids, no Bactine. We had to make do with dishwashing soap, cold water and an artfully tied kitchen towel around the wound. Poor V.!

The trip had its good moments. It was great to hang out as a family. It was fantastic for I. and V. to see so much of each other. It was so nice to read something at night and be able to share it with V. right then - it was nice to have company at night. I got time to play with I. which was fun. What was probably best was after I got I. in bed, I didn't have a list of things I needed to do/should be doing/staring at me. You know what I mean and that was a huge freeing, emotionally good thing for me.

The hardest part was that the altitude took a lot out of me and from about 10 to 5 I really didn't feel good. I was also trying not to worry about the lackluster reception I had gotten at the doctor's office and the impending ultrasound to verifty that everything was okay. Then I have a bad problem with insomnia made worse with my inability to take any herbs or vodka and I have to make sure I really relax before I go to bed. So the first night there, I pull down the sheets to jump in the bed and there is this mother f*in huge black spider in the sheets running around. Exactly what I did not need before trying to relax and fall asleep. Somehow I still was able to fall asleep and not obsess about the creature (which was deposited into the toilet).

So I do think that we were vacation challenged in 2010 and am hoping for a turn of luck this year. I've got to get busy planning some travelling before August, some trips for just V. and I and some for the 3 of us, while it's just the 3 of us. That topic of the 3 of us is a whole 'nother topic that I am not getting into now, not when I'm going to be heading to bed soon. After a big bowl of cereal and berries - did I mention how hungry I get these days??

The Hamster's Running on That Damn Wheel Again

Deep breaths, deep breaths. I keep trying to remind myself of this and to just focus on the present but it's against my nature. My tendency when something happens, may happen, or is going to happen is to automatically start thinking about all the situations, challenges and potential issues that may come up for years down the line.

For important decisions in my life, this is good because when I make a decision, it's well thought out, planned ahead for, and usually is the right one. That's great when things in life follow a linear pattern. What's not so great is when something hits me out of left field, all these potential things start bombarding my brain which causes a lot of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. That's where I am right now.

To add to all this, V. has been gone since Thanksgiving and these 3 weeks feel more like 3 months. His days have been so stressful and exhausting that some nights, usually the nights that I really could benefit from hearing his voice, he falls asleep and doesn't call me. Like today. He didn't call us this morning, didn't answer his phone this afternoon, and didn't call tonight. The only contact we had was a short text "conversation" when I informed him that we had just been rearended badly.

Yes, you read that correctly. As though anything else needed to land on my plate, I. and I got slammed from behind. We had just left the house to head to Legoland, stopped at a red light in line for the right turn when wham! we got slammed in the back. There wasn't even the sound of brakes and she was coming down the hill so I know she was probably going at least 30 mph. Everything in the car went flying around and by the time we turned the corner to pull into a parking lot, my head was killing me - instant headache. She kind of apologize with a "Sorry, I'm in a hurry and I'm lost" and then proceeded to pull out her cell phone to leave a message with whoever she was supposed to meet with at 10 (it was now 10:15) to call her so that they could reschedule. She hit us so hard that her front license plate was impaled into my bumper until it was flush with it. These were huge 3 inch long screws that went all the way through. Luckily, there were some guys around that I went and asked if they could help pry it off my car so that I could throw it at this career bitch's head. We went straight to the chiropractor's office because my neck, shoulder and back were killing me and I. was complaining of neck and head pain too.

Now on top of everything else, I'm all out of whack and need to go to the chiropractor several times next week just so things don't get worse. Plus, I get the pleasure of dealing with her insurance company, having to schedule in a meeting with her claims adjuster. Plus, price out a new car seat because in CA, if the seat's been in an accident, you're supposed to replace it. All this on top of I.'s Christmas chapel on Tuesday and Thursday I'm helping out in her class for an hour and a half for Jesus' Birthday celebration.

Oh, don't forget that tomorrow we're getting the Christmas tree and I was going to have to "man" that sucker up a flight of stairs and into the house. The good news about that was that I talked today with Terry and he is going to be in the area tomorrow late morning and stop to lug it in for me. Thank God for him - he's gotten me out of a few jams during our friendship.

And the girls' demands were communicated to V. yesterday and were immediately vetoed. They even had back demands that were also vetoed. Though a little curious about what the demands were, I didn't ask because I knew it would just piss me off and be another negative hamster running through the wheel of my mind. All I asked was what the basis of the veto was and was told by V. that the demands were not anything needed (ie. $350 Juicy Couture purses like last year). So at least that interference was run for me and I don't have to waste any emotional energy on it, at least for now.

Believe it or not, I. and I did still go to Legoland though only for 2 hours. Have YOU ever tried to tell a little kid that you weren't going to go to an amusement park because some stupid lady hit you? I mean, even I don't think that's fair. She ruin enough of our day and part of our future days, so why let her ruin the whole day? We did have fun though I was in pain, because nobody was at the park and we just ran around and walked on every ride and some of them, they asked us if we wanted to just stay on and ride a second time. Sweet!

But now it's evening, I'm tired, hurting, overwhelmed, feeling alone and scared about future uncertainties and there's no one here but the animals. I'll definitely be heading to bed early and hoping for a joyful time of picking out a Christmas tree with I., having an early dinner at a restaurant and hopefully having a relaxing, uneventful day.

Another Busy Day

Today will be another busy day but not as hectic as yesterday. Actually, because I was so organized and had mentally prepared for all the errands, it didn't feel as stressful as it initially sounded. In addition to that, while I was at the gym one of the personal trainers who I have become friendly with due to the fact that our kids play together, offered me a free personal training session. The funny thing is that on Sunday, the head training manager introduced himself and I'm having a free PT session with him tomorrow. I let this other personal trainer know in case she wanted to give it to someone else but she said that she still wanted to give it to me. When it rains it pours in good ways it seems. I am really stoked about it because I need them desperately to kick start and motivate myself.

This morning I feel like Martha Stewart with the making of the blueberry pancakes as I. requested yesterday and putting a whole chicken in the crockpot for dinner. V. also is here though working until he drives up to Los Angeles for a long day. He got home after 10pm yesterday so it's not quality time but it's a treat to have him around, coughing and snotty as he is, in the middle of the week so I'll take what I can get. Plus he's spending the night in LA so I won't see him until late tomorrow night.

The whininess of I. continues this morning due to her early wakeup time. I have to say, it really grates on my nerves. Hearing someone in the background having a frustrated fit about this and that just drives me up the wall. I can ignore crying for a much longer time than whining that's for sure. On a good note, I. did play with her toys yesterday by herself while I was getting ready yesterday and probably will today as well. If I'm not around to hear the whiny problems, she doesn't whine. Kind of like if noone is in the forest to hear the sound of a tree falling, does it make a sound.

Mysteries Abound

My last post was all about the present and future pains I was experiencing/anticipating and the weird thing was that there was plenty of "pains" just not the ones I expected.

We (my mom, I. and I) piled into the dentist office that afternoon, me a less stressed due to the Ativan and they got me in the chair. They put the topical on my gum and let it sit there and then my dentist came in. Mind you, the last time I was in and was told of this cavity, her new partner who I had never seen before, came in and delivered the bad news curtly. My regular dentist is a nice woman, who takes the time to smile and talk with you. So she walked in and said cheerfully, "How are you?" and I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not amused whatsoever about having to be at her office today. She actually looked surprised. Really, I'm sure this wasn't the first time she's ever heard it but I guess it was the first time she's heard it from me. She said she wanted to take a look at the cavity since she never had actually seen it and then get this...she proceeds to tell me there is NO CAVITY!

I almost cried, really I did because I was so thankful to not have to go through this and so happy that I still don't have any cavities. Then I got pissed off that I had to go through all of this, drag my mom into it, and stress about it for 3 weeks. But right after that, I was and still am so happy! And I'll tell you what, I'm flossing every stinkin' day!

So after dodging that bullet, the next day (yesterday) I woke up feeling pretty okay until about an hour and a half later when I was fixing I. her breakfast. All of a sudden, I felt like I was going to throw up, then exhaustion hit, chills, and a headache. My stomach hurt so bad, I had to lay down for 2 hours and try not to move so I wouldn't throw up. Thankfully, I. behaved herself though not quietly until finally I had to get up, get ready, and fix her lunch or she wouldn't make it to school. Wouldn't you know that today was the day I signed up to work at her class? I tried to tell I. that I may have to ask for another day because literally, I could have fallen asleep right there which is highly unusual for me, but I. was so disappointed and she kept sobbing and what could I do? So I made it through her class by sucking it up and enjoying it, got her home, fed, and in the bath whereupon I laid down on her bedroom floor and dozed in and out between her many questions. Bathed her, read to her, got her in bed, me in the shower and then I dozed off for 30 minutes. Mind you, I hadn't eaten all day and had no appetite which is not normal for me so I choked down some chicken noodle soup and bread for dinner. I'm not sure what it was - today I wasn't 100% either but I felt substantially better. It's times like these when I feel sorry for myself for not having anyone to fall back on - I have to suck it up and continue on even when I feel like I could just fall over. Who says being a momma isn't the toughest job? Ain't no sick time here baby!

So as I said, mysteries abound - the quasi-cavity, the hit-you-between-the-eyes illness and still my back is recovering. Hoping that the rest of this week is filled with less pain and more smiles.

A Day

I woke up yesterday with a pulled muscle in my back and today it is still very tender. Add to that the threat of having our water turned off 8am-3pm, my first cavity being filled this afternoon and you have a cornucopia of a long day. We're going to the gym just to have secure access to bathrooms this morning and then my mom is supposed to come over to watch I. while I go to the dentist.

You see, I have a thing about teeth. As in kind of a phobia, gross-out type of thing. Always have, even when I was a kid. I've never had any kind of work done at the dentist aside from cleanings, which by the way I have a hard time with. It's like an overload of sensations that I can't escape from - wetness, grittiness, the scraping sound, the scraping feeling, the blood - ugh, it's almost too much for me. And now, the cavity filling, God help me. Or if not Him, may the 2 Ativans that I'll be taking at 1pm help me to just not care. Apparently, I'm lucky enough to have the only dentist to not offer nitrious oxide.

What a day.

Cinderella

You know how when you have a really good dream and it's one of those realistic ones that you actually are feeling exactly how it would feel in real life but then you wake up and realize sadly that it was just a dream? That's how I felt today. But first the good stuff...(yes, this is going to be a long post)

I neglected to mention in this morning's post something surprising that V. did on Sunday. A longtime work friend is leaving for Australia for a couple of years and wanted to get together with V. in LA before he left. So V. told me he was going to spend Sunday up there with him and would be spending the night up there and I was fine with that as long as he didn't have a hangover for our anniversary.

First of all, I thought he was spending all day watching sports with his friend but he didn't end up leaving until 2:45 so we got to spend most of the day together after all. He drove all the way up to Pasadena getting there around 5:30. He watched the game and left at 9pm and drove all the way home so he could sleep here. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I figured if he got out having fun with this guy, he would be like a dog waiting for the gate to be left open. When I asked him about it last night at dinner, he said that sleeping in a hotel wasn't anything special and that he wanted to sleep at home because he hardly ever got to. Sad but true and I was so glad that he felt like that since I felt the same way.

Yesterday morning, V. posted on his Facebook page for all to see that "Seven years ago I married the hottest girl in San Diego." Okay, so once I picked myself off the floor, I texted him asking if he was feeling okay because that was a declaration of love for all to see. I couldn't believe it. When he got home in the late afternoon, he had a beautiful bouquet of red roses with my favorite sweet smelling lilies mixed in - wow!

Dinner was terrific though it had a twist at the beginning. It turns out that the lobsters didn't get Al Gore's memo that there's global warming and that due to an extra cold ocean temperature this summer, there were not enough local lobsters to have a tasting menu. The waiter was aware that we had had our reception and anniversary dinners at this restaurant but didn't know until I told him that we always got the lobster tasting menu with wine pairing. When he found out, he said, "Let me talk to the chef for a minute." and then the manager came over and few minutes later and said that if we wanted, the chef would put together a special tasting menu with a Maine lobster and do a wine pairing with it. If we wanted?! Well of course I wanted but the price was high so I hesitated. V. looked over and said that he knew I looked forward to this all year and to please not worry about the price. That statement really communicated his love to me - it was so generous, loving, and sweet of him. So we went for it and the chef did not disappoint. In fact, he enjoyed it so much that he came out at the end of the dinner to shake our hands and thank us for letting him be so creative and trusting his choices. I felt like I was a celebrity on The Food Network or something.

While the food was wonderful, V. and I had an even more wonderful time, talking, flirting, and teasing. His card was touching and he agreed with what I wrote in my card that we are better now than we were before and that this anniversary is so much better than last year's. The whole day was perfect.

Which brings me to the title of my post. Because I went to bed on cloud nine, sleeping next to my hubby who made me feel so special and loved by his actions two days in a row. And I woke up to an empty bed like usual and once I. went to school, I was by myself and silent like always. It was like the clock struck midnight, the dream ended, and reality began.

I know "Wah", right? It's just that I would do so much better with a more gradual change of things, you know like easing back into my normal workweek. On the weekends, we're all together and then BAM - it's just I. and me and when she's in school, it's just me. Which would be fine if V. was home at night for dinner and company. Hopefully, he'll get pulled into some LA projects soon and then we may be able to have a more "normal" family life and marriage. Really, life would be SO much easier for us if we could have a few more nights together in a week.

Not A Good Ending

Off to the races we went this afternoon and I was surprised that it wasn't very crowded at all especially in the infield with the kids' entertainment. I. had a great time going on all the slides and bouncy things over and over again without having to wait at least for the first hour. A pony ride capped things off and we got to see the first horse race before I. started complaining that she was hungry. Mind you, before we left the house she was fed lunch and had a granola bar at the races. No matter, by 2:15, she was hungry. Thus is my life.



We headed to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants that was nearby, one that we usually make great memories. Sadly to say, not so much today (and that's putting it mildly). Why? Six hours later, I'm still not sure. Except for Puerto Rico, we've never had trouble with I. in restaurants. The first crying jag of the meal I think was triggered by I.'s low blood sugar because she began acting and feeling better as soon as she began eating. I handled the crying well - quickly grabbed her and carried her outside to calm down without everyone's eyes on us. Back inside, we began eating and things were good until the very end of the meal. Then she started getting a little mischievious with V. (they were sitting on the same side to give me a break for a change), then she wasn't listening to him when he told her to stop, and then they were wrestling around a bit until I told them to both stop it before something got broken. By now, I'm getting irritated. One, because I've already dealt with one tantrum of sorts. Two, because I've had to take I. to the bathroom 2 times during the last 30 minutes. Three, because I'm still getting over being sick and at the races, I ended up lugging her around a lot because V.'s back was really hurting and I'm starting to feel worn out. Lastly, I'm getting frustrated with watching this dynamic between the two of them, this way that they feed off the worst of each other until things go really bad really fast and then I'm left to mop the whole mess up. I guess the most confusing and frustrating thing is that I don't believe they mean to do it. In fact, I don't think they actually realize it. It's kind of like a married couple who know how to push each other's buttons and although they may not see it, people on the outside see it coming.


When I. ceased listening, picked up a knife to play with and refuse to let it go, it was time to end it. So I grabbed the diaper bag and carried her out of the restaurant (again) through 5 waiters standing there. As I started up the first of two flight of stairs, I. started fighting and caused me to fall up the stairs luckily without injury to either of us. She then proceeded to throw herself on the ground, mind you screaming at the top of her lungs. So I grabbed her arm and lugged her up the first set of stairs and then carried her up the last set. I got her to walk out to the car and then had to strongarm her into the car seat. It wasn't pleasant.

I am disappointed how this last day of summer ended. I am crushed because there are two red marks on one of I.'s arms from when I was lugging her up the stairs. After I got her in bed, I basically cried in the shower and collapsed on the couch. Physically, emotionally, and mentally I'm done. The only thing I'm trying to keep in mind is that by the time we got home, I. wasn't upset at all and seem to forget everything. She didn't understand why I was crying before we read books; all she seemed to remember were the good things of the day. While I may not get that, I'll try to take comfort in that. I want so much to have good memories for her of us together. I also want so much for me to have good memories of us together.

It was a hard last day of summer vacation and tomorrow I will tearfully take I. to her first day of preschool, hoping that she will retain nothing but good memories of this summer. Then it's up to me to retain those same good memories for myself.

Deep Breaths & A Vodka Tonic

in-com-pe-tent: adj. not having the necessary skills to do something successfully

Though I am not completely convinced, in my mind and heart I feel like an incompetent mother. This last vacation has left me exhausted and frustrated as a parent and without some sort of a break from being a parent, my frustration and anger just continues to build. I've heard people say that children will understand if there are more relaxed rules and less strigent schedules while on vacations; that they will understand that when they get home that the "old", regular rules still apply. To that, I say "Bullshit!"

Because now I'm paying the price of trying to be less rigourous and strict. I was paying it throughout the whole damn vacation and now that we're back, I'm STILL paying for it. Tomorrow will be the first day since returning that neither the girls nor V. will be here' it'll just be I. and me and I'll tell you what, there will be a drastic return to how things were. The whining, the 2 year old screeching, the not listening, the defiance, the tantrums, the "I'm not going to eat my dinner but now I want to eat in bed" game - all this is going to end. As a former boss put it, it's time for a "come to Jesus" because I can't take it, not one more day.

I feel like we've gone back two years in ground covered. This evening while V. was washing I. in the bath (or attempting to wash her), I went in my closet and sobbed because I can't take much more. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be yelling at her, frustrated at her, angry towards her because of how she's acting. I think to myself, "If I can't handle ONE four year old child, how the HELL am I going to handle her as she gets older?" It's not like I have multiple children. I can't even seem to deal with one and thus, the label of "incompetent".

Physically, I realize that I'm not at a strong level which I know does not help me in dealing with stress. This weekend, I've been fighting off a virus (sore throat, tired, earache, headache) and I've developed painful bursitis in my shoulder. Not the shoulder that just healed after daily pain for 11 months - the other one. I can't move it away from my body without excruciating pain and I can't sleep on it. So basically, in the past year I had 2 weeks without shoulder pain and now I'm back in a lot of pain.

Mentally and emotionally, I feel exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed. I've put off talking to my dad because I don't feel like I can handle one more thing. Of course, not talking to him and/or actively helping him increases guilt and stress. Just like how I need a break from I. to gain some breathing room and perspective increases my guilt and lowers my parenting confidence. Honestly, I think this whole vacation capped off a series of events (Mark's anniversary, Jodi BS, my dad losing his job) has led to a low/medium-grade depression. The three adjectives I used in the first sentence of this paragraph are usually the first symptoms. However, during and after this vacation, I've also felt a great amount of irritation over just about everything and often times feel as though I'm watching and experiencing the good/happy moments like a spectator without truly enjoying them and that makes me sad.

V. recognizes some of these behaviors and says we need to get away for an adults-only vacation. I agree but I'm concerned whether this will be a good time for my parents to be watching her but I guess I'll just ask and find out. Until then, deep breaths and a vodka tonic...