The Boom Will Be Lowered

More problems with I.  I'm so tired of them.  Clutter and mess in her room continues to be an issue even though she knows that she is to clean up her room before coming down to breakfast.  With feeding D. breakfast and trying to gulp down some myself, I haven't been going back upstairs to do "quality control" and as a result, many mornings there is still stuff strewn all over the ground in the bedroom and bathroom and then at bedtime, while I'm trying to keep D. from getting into trouble while I'm washing I.'s hair or getting her in bed, the mess just pisses me off because I'm stepping on it, tripping on things etc.  It makes me angry towards I. almost every bedtime which is not how I want to end the day with her.  Going to have to make some changes there.

But that's not even the bad part.  The bad part is that even though she lost the privilege of reading books for 30 minutes at bedtime for a month after 3 offenses of sneaking books til it was late (resulting in daily late afternoon tantrums because she's tired), I've caught her twice in the last week. I usually have everything I need to get D. ready for bed in my room but a couple of times I've walked back into their room to get something and there she is hiding a book under her pillow.  Today was the last straw because I know that if I'm 2 for 2 catching her, chances are she's doing it every night.  Both V. and I have talked with her about disobeying, why the rule is in place, and how she is becoming untrustworthy by her actions and she needs to start doing the right thing in order for us to be able to trust her again.  After tonight, I see that she's just not getting it and probably thinks she's getting away with it which to be honest pisses me off.

I've read this before in John Rosemond's book "The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children" and agree thoroughly with it.

"The old-fashioned parent was unconcerned with the issue of fairness, the perception that there should be equity between the misbehavior and its consequence when it came to discipline.  Rather, he or she was intent upon nipping misbehavior in the bud, which was generally accomplished through a lowering of the proverbial boom.  The old-fashioned parent realized that the size of a given misbehavior should not dictate the size of the punishment.  After all, any misbehavior, no matter how small, can become a major problem if allowed to flourish; ergo, the boom."

So tomorrow I'm lowering the boom.  I'm removing every single book in her room and that's no small task - she probably has over 300 books.  Instead of doing something fun with D. in the morning, I will have to go to Big Lots and buy some storage containers to hold the books and then pack them away.  The library books will go back and those privileges will be revoked.  For how long?  Until V. and I think she's proving to be trustworthy again.  It will be interesting to see her reaction to such a huge consequence.  Here's my prediction, she'll put a poker face on even though she'll be shocked.  I just pray that it ultimately works.

I wonder if the old-fashioned parent felt sad when they had to lower the boom or not.  Because I do, not because I don't want to be the bad guy but because it's had to come to this.  But like the above quote said, this is an issue that will become a much larger issue as she gets older and with much more serious implications.  That is what worries me greatly.

On the flip side at school she is thriving, obeying, and going the extra mile to be the perfect student with exemplary character.  Part of it I think is her competitiveness that makes her want to be the best in the class. Regardless, many days it makes me wish I could switch places with her teacher and get to see her in that light for a little bit to tide me over through these rotten times.

Not For Sissies

Tired.  That's what I am.  This morning was an uphill battle.  In addition to last night's disobedience, I. took it to a new level this morning.  Her room was a mess as it always is in the morning and as she was complaining about cleaning it up, I made a comment that I didn't want to hear any more grumbling about it to which she replied in a dismissive tone, "Oh calm down."  EXCUSE ME?  At that point, the television with Curious George on pause went off.  Strike three occurred when I went upstairs 30 minutes later to get D.'s crib ready for nap and found that although I. came downstairs acting like their room was cleaned up, it was not picked up at all.  That hit the dishonesty button from last night.

I took D. for nursing and nap and the consequence came to me clearly.  It was obvious when I came downstairs that I. knew she had seriously overstepped the boundaries because she was trying to make nice.  Unfortunately it was too late and Momma lowered the boom though with empathy.  She had to stay in a room all day and additionally write 100 times, "I will respect Mommy and my room."  I know it sounds harsh but honestly all summer it's been nothing but consequences here and there, seemingly constantly.  I.'s problem is that she has a hard head and a soft heart but this summer her head has had a direct link to her mouth and then her heart follows up much too late.  That has to change.

So at the end of the day after much moaning, crying, and screaming, here's what we were left with:

This was I.'s required apology, something that she really has a problem with.  Even so, she wrote it, brought it down, and said that she didn't want to have to say it.  Oh vey.  It felt sincere to me so I accepted it.  Just another thing to work on for the next 12 years.  Did I mention she's only 6?  Makes me tired just thinking of it.

Parenting a child with character is not for sissies.

Frustrated Momma

I'm a frustrated momma.  Tonight I. got back her privilege of reading a book at bedtime for a half an hour while I am giving D. a bath and bring him in for bed.  This is the second time she's lost the privilege, first time was for a week.  I told her if she did it again, it would be two weeks and then a month.  So it's been 2 weeks, tonight she gets her book reading back and what does she do?  I look in there an hour later (mind you, she had put the book down when I took D. in there for sleep) and there she is reading the book behind the headboard.  I'm so disappointed.  

I've talked with her about bad decisions and privileges and how I have to be able to trust her.  But it seems to be to no avail.  Because tomorrow we will be back to the consequences and bad momma.  It seems to be the theme of this summer.

The 3 F's

The sense of futility, frustration, and failure hangs heavy in the humid air this morning. Before 8:15 am. I was in tears, feeling unloved and unappreciated by my daughter. The one that just 5 years ago, I carried in my body and was so looking forward to meeting.

I thought I was a good mom but with the behavior I've been seeing for the past month, I must have been doing it all wrong for a very long time. I just don't get it. I haven't been treating her like she's the middle of the universe, she's a part of the family. I have been consistent with her discipline and teaching her what is and is not acceptable, she knows it. But this summer she's been trying to turn into a little tyrant and that's been the battle the whole freaking summer. Everything, no matter how small, she has to make it into a fight with me. Going to the bathroom - NO. So three times a day she pisses in her underwear.

And if something big and fun isn't on the day's agenda, then she'll throw a tantrum first thing in the morning. This morning, her underwear were inside out and she threw them at me and said, "YOU fix them. I'm not fixing them." This is NOT how I have been raising this child. I feel like I have been doing the hard work, not taking the easy road of just letting her do what she wants but now it seems like I am sowing nothing but defiance and disrespect.

It feels like all I do is punish because I don't think I should let these instances pass without consequences. In between, I give love and physical affection to try to balance it out but it still feels like I'm just mean momma every day, every second. It exhausts me and breaks my heart and after over a month of this, it's breaking my spirit.

Not Horrible But Not Good

I'm in that place where nothing is REALLY horrible but EVERYTHING is not good. Ever been there?!

There really is not any terrible going on. Noone has died, at least lately, my family and I are alive and healthy. It's just everything else that is frustrating me.

Let's go through the checklist.

• Chronic Pain: shoulder dislocating and aching again; need to start PT again.
• Marriage: hubby still not communicating, apologizing, interacting, parenting.
• Parenting: having tantruming, minding, backtalking issues. Could or could not be caused by father's absence; regardless, frustrating for mother to deal with constantly.
• Family: narcissitic addict of a sister finding my phone number and contacting me Sat.; called again today
• Personal: approaching my 40th bday this Saturday; dreams of my best friend who died last July at 39 reoccurring

It's a hard time right now. I'm looking forward to all the plans I have in place for this weekend. I may be teased about planning everything out but at least I know I won't miss something I could have enjoyed. My free time off is so limited right now that I need to capture every opportunity or I won't get a chance until months from now.

I just wish my last week of my 30's could be a happier one. I would have imagined that my life would be so much more perfect at this point in my life. In many ways, it is SO much more stable. Ten years ago, I just started to have a relationship in sight, certainly no kids in sight. I hoped for both and now I have both. Yet, two years ago, things were much more certain and tangible before this 14 month assignment in the Middle East and a looming China assignment in the near future. Distance does not make the heart grow fonder; it just makes 2 people have to figure out how to live life separately in order to make it through. While it may be doable, it's not healthy. On top of it, we are not military so we do not have the resources or support to help us figure out how to do this.

Now my sister snoopes around for my phone number and starts calling me. I don't need this now, I will not accept this now. I missed her phone call (the second one) today but if she calls again, I will tell her that I don't have time to speak on the phone these days ('cause I don't) and if she presses I will tell her more than that. What more than that I'm not sure.

All I do know is that I'm done with the bullshit for this week and it's only Tuesday. Either get with the program or prepare to deal with the consequences.