Day 50 of summer was my little guy's 2nd birthday. I just can't believe it. I. and I sang him Happy Birthday while he was still in the crib and though he didn't completely understand, he knew we were singing to him and that made him happy. Melissa and Caroline came over for a playdate and after I. came home from VBS, we had a little party with cupcakes that Melissa had brought over and D. opened the two presents they had gotten him. This year, he definitely understands how to open a present up and when he saw that it was an airplane with people and a door that opened and closed, he was in love and spent the rest of the time inspecting its wheels and opening and closing the door. Plus it plays music so it really can't get any better than that. He was so jazzed about it that I let him take it in the crib with him during afternoon rest time. Sunday will be our family party and the girls will be coming down by train Saturday night so that will be exciting for everyone. It will be a full house!
Yesterday was I.'s last day of VBS. I also had to run to Home Depot this morning to get some items we will need in order to pass house inspection which was supposed to have happened next Monday. I. and I played pretend restaurant and served up 21 of her stuffed animals with various menu items which was fun.
This morning my realtor let me know that our buyer backed out due to a family emergency. I don't know that I buy that. Last night I spent hours getting all these financial statements together for the lender so that he can provide our realtor with a preapproval document to make us more attractive buyers. Being contingent makes us unattractive. On top of that, in this market you have to include with your bid/offer a biography of your family introducing yourselves and telling why they should accept your bid. It also makes you "more attractive". This whole process could give you a complex I swear. Anyways, now we're back to square one with showings and a need to keep everything perfect while having 2 little ones underfoot. That part really sucks. The only good I can see of this is that the inventory has dropped significantly the last week so I was starting to feel stressed that now our house was in escrow and now there were no homes coming on the market. Guess we'll see what happens.
The rest of the day was good except of course bedtime when the kids were tired and bouncing off the walls and my patience was running out. The last 2 weeks since we got home V. has worked all 5 weekdays in Arizona so it's been a little rough on me. Today though I had planned a short adventure for the 3 of us and it turned out really well. We caught the trolley just east of Qualcomm and then rode it about 4 stops to Mission Valley where it dropped us off right in front of Sammy's Wood Fired Pizza. We had lunch there, walked around for 20 minutes or so and caught the trolley back to our car. Both kiddos were so excited and for the rest of the day, D. kept making the sign for train because he was so thrilled by the whole thing. I got the idea when V. and I took the trolley to the game on Sunday and I was looking out the window at the stops. So glad we did it and both kids were really well mannered. A good day with good memories made!
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Day 28 Through 31
Sunday was day 28th and was different from a regular Sunday in that we went and looked at 2 houses with our realtor. "We" being V., I and the kiddos. First time he's looked with us. It felt different in a good way like we were investing in our life together with kids. Last time we were looking it was just the two of us, though with a bun in the oven almost ready to come out. However, until you have an actual kid, it's still basically just the two of you.
Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip. Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile. After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him. I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep. It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin. It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek. I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib. I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin. It's such a special thing.
Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal. My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00. Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well. One day closer to vacation.
Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert. We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route. I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know. All I do know is that I am ready to get away. The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert. My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert. Hoping that everything goes smoothly.
The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing. No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks. Plus some other bummer stuff. So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too. Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call? No response all day long. Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all. Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest. I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy. We'll see.
Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip. Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile. After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him. I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep. It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin. It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek. I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib. I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin. It's such a special thing.
Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal. My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00. Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well. One day closer to vacation.
Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert. We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route. I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know. All I do know is that I am ready to get away. The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert. My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert. Hoping that everything goes smoothly.
The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing. No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks. Plus some other bummer stuff. So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too. Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call? No response all day long. Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all. Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest. I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy. We'll see.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Loss
While nursing ,I have not been reading on my Kindle for the last few weeks and I won't for the rest of my nursing future, just enjoying the last days of D.'s nursing days. Watching D.'s jaws working at sucking, his relaxation while nursing, and my realization that nourishing him at my breast is approaching its end makes me so sad. When you know it's your last baby and you are directing the weaning, you cherish these moments.
Saw one of my longtime guy friends on the news and it gave me a twinge. Still trying to process being dumped from my closest guy friends. One dead and the other two alive but may as well be dead. After I had I. but V. was still gone so much, they were still around. But now that D. is here and V. is around more, they are totally gone. Neither of them have met D. which hurts me and only one of them saw me while was pregnant with D. If I'm being honest, I feel betrayed, left behind. It brings up old emotions of being left here to deal with everything but I realize changes have happened, to the better of me.
Still I have to admit, those old stirrings come up. Was thinking of my old days when I was trying to be successful in the man's world which basically I was existing in both personally and professionally. I was successful but that was because I shut off any female responses and was one of the guys. Once I had children, that wasn't completely possible for me and I think that changed things.
I'm no longer sassy and sarcastic. I can be funny and feisty but I don't have that same edge to my humor. I was a fighter before, now I am a lover. I don't have to pretend not to feel anymore, I don't have to deny my true feelings. All that denial of emotions and the "I'm tough, can't knock me down" bravado had exhausted my reserves after about 7 years. It left me bankrupt and with nothing to fall back on when the truly tough times hit. My guy friends were there but what I didn't realize is that as soon as my bravado had truly faded away, maybe I wasn't so interesting to them anymore or maybe I just reminded them of another mom/wife which they already had.
I think I finally reached a point where I'm done. I understand that despite that they say they will call me, let's get together for lunch, etc. it's not going to happen. It's been a one way street for too long and frankly, I've allowed it to bruise my feelings for too long as it is. If they were true friends this would not have happened. If Mark was still alive, we would still be friends on equal footing. For the first time in the past 2 years, I feel a small warmth of peace down deep and I know I'm ready to move on.
Saw one of my longtime guy friends on the news
Still I have to admit, those old stirrings come up. Was thinking of my old days when I was trying to be successful in the man's world which basically I was existing in both personally and professionally. I was successful but that was because I shut off any female responses and was one of the guys. Once I had children, that wasn't completely possible for me and I think that changed things.
I'm no longer sassy and sarcastic. I can be funny and feisty but I don't have that same edge to my humor. I was a fighter before, now I am a lover. I don't have to pretend not to feel anymore, I don't have to deny my true feelings. All that denial of emotions and the "I'm tough, can't knock me down" bravado had exhausted my reserves after about 7 years. It left me bankrupt and with nothing to fall back on when the truly tough times hit. My guy friends were there but what I didn't realize is that as soon as my bravado had truly faded away, maybe I wasn't so interesting to them anymore or maybe I just reminded them of another mom/wife which they already had.
I think I finally reached a point where I'm done. I understand that despite that they say they will call me, let's get together for lunch, etc. it's not going to happen. It's been a one way street for too long and frankly, I've allowed it to bruise my feelings for too long as it is. If they were true friends this would not have happened. If Mark was still alive, we would still be friends on equal footing. For the first time in the past 2 years, I feel a small warmth of peace down deep and I know I'm ready to move on.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Surprise Christmas Celebration
The second part of my conversation with my mom yesterday was finding out that my brother would not be around for Christmas which added to my parents' depression. So I jumped into ad-lib mode and invited my parents over for Christmas Day. This is huge, I've never had any major holiday at my home, whatever home I've had. My mom didn't think that my dad would go for it but lo and behold, I talk to them this morning and they're all for it. Waking up to no tree, no decorations or lights, and no kids until lunchtime is too much to handle and I understand that, thus the invitation for a different Christmas this year.
It's a different Christmas for us as well. Until last year, Christmas morning was us opening gifts (excluding V.'s and mine) quickly so that V. could hit the road for the 3 hour round trip taking the girls back home. Last year, the girls came down on Christmas Eve afternoon and drove themselves home Christmas morning. This year will be the first year that I. does not have her sisters here for Christmas morning, well excluding the year V. was in Saudi Arabia and no one was here for Christmas. But this will be the first year that we get to stay at home all Christmas Day. What a treat...except
For the fact that now I had to go into overdrive mode trying to provide a nice Christmas table. This is not completely me putting the stress on me. My father resisted a less stress Christmas dinner when I suggested it for my mother's sake citing childhood trauma and memories so I know I need to provide a sort of special ambiance for the dinner. Luckily my mom and I discussed the itinerary of the Christmas dinner so I think we're in sync there and thank goodness for Amazon, I was able to put together a pretty Christmas table (I hope) most of which will arrive on Christmas Eve afternoon.
It's a mixture of emotions. I'm happy for my little family because this is the first one that we celebrate just us Christmas morning. It's not that I want to exclude the girls because that's not it. It's having Daddy, Mommy, and 2 excited, young, Santa believing kids in the home that morning that is a first for us. I'm also happy that V. doesn't have to drive 3 hours on Christmas morning and meet us at my parents' home separate from us. It's looking forward to having some time to explore and play with the toys that we give them instead of having to get ready and head over to my parents' house in the morning.
Yet I feel a responsibility to make this Christmas a happy one for my parents. As a parent and adult I can understand it's a tough one. They had to make cutbacks (at least I hope they did) on the presents due to their financial situation. And two out of three of their kids are not here for Christmas. It leaves pressure on the remaining kid to make it a good one. I thank God for my kids, their grandkids, because I think they are what will make this Christmas a joyous one for all of us.
It's a different Christmas for us as well. Until last year, Christmas morning was us opening gifts (excluding V.'s and mine) quickly so that V. could hit the road for the 3 hour round trip taking the girls back home. Last year, the girls came down on Christmas Eve afternoon and drove themselves home Christmas morning. This year will be the first year that I. does not have her sisters here for Christmas morning, well excluding the year V. was in Saudi Arabia and no one was here for Christmas. But this will be the first year that we get to stay at home all Christmas Day. What a treat...except
For the fact that now I had to go into overdrive mode trying to provide a nice Christmas table. This is not completely me putting the stress on me. My father resisted a less stress Christmas dinner when I suggested it for my mother's sake citing childhood trauma and memories so I know I need to provide a sort of special ambiance for the dinner. Luckily my mom and I discussed the itinerary of the Christmas dinner so I think we're in sync there and thank goodness for Amazon, I was able to put together a pretty Christmas table (I hope) most of which will arrive on Christmas Eve afternoon.
It's a mixture of emotions. I'm happy for my little family because this is the first one that we celebrate just us Christmas morning. It's not that I want to exclude the girls because that's not it. It's having Daddy, Mommy, and 2 excited, young, Santa believing kids in the home that morning that is a first for us. I'm also happy that V. doesn't have to drive 3 hours on Christmas morning and meet us at my parents' home separate from us. It's looking forward to having some time to explore and play with the toys that we give them instead of having to get ready and head over to my parents' house in the morning.
Yet I feel a responsibility to make this Christmas a happy one for my parents. As a parent and adult I can understand it's a tough one. They had to make cutbacks (at least I hope they did) on the presents due to their financial situation. And two out of three of their kids are not here for Christmas. It leaves pressure on the remaining kid to make it a good one. I thank God for my kids, their grandkids, because I think they are what will make this Christmas a joyous one for all of us.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Frustrated Momma
I'm a frustrated momma. Tonight I. got back her privilege of reading a book at bedtime for a half an hour while I am giving D. a bath and bring him in for bed. This is the second time she's lost the privilege, first time was for a week. I told her if she did it again, it would be two weeks and then a month. So it's been 2 weeks, tonight she gets her book reading back and what does she do? I look in there an hour later (mind you, she had put the book down when I took D. in there for sleep) and there she is reading the book behind the headboard. I'm so disappointed.
I've talked with her about bad decisions and privileges and how I have to be able to trust her. But it seems to be to no avail. Because tomorrow we will be back to the consequences and bad momma. It seems to be the theme of this summer.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Disappointed with a Side of Hope
Putting it mildly, I'm disappointment and discouraged. This summer is not what I hoped for, not by a long shot. When I. has been on vacation during the school year, it's been great. She's been cheerful, helpful, positive, and loving. So going into this summer that's what I pictured I was getting, that kid.
Instead I have been left with this other kid - the negative, grumbling one. Oh she'll help but only when she chooses to and she'll be cheerful and positive but only when things are going the way she wants. I'm at a loss, I'm dumbfounded. I didn't raise her to be a brat or a complainer. I've set boundaries, done the tough love while still being loving in between the tough moments. Yet here we are.
Each day I end up disappointed, frustrated, and feeling like things are so off the track and I don't know what to change to get things back on track. I spend one on one time with her while D. is down for naps, playing with her some, cooking together, doing science projects together etc. and while she is happy during these times, as soon as they are over and we need to get some things done Negative Nelly shows up. "This is SO b-o-r-i-n-g." "You never play with me." "You always feed D. first." "You never do anything for me." You get the idea. It's like being on a roller coaster which I dislike immensely. In the morning things are great then things are not good, then okay again, then crappy and sometimes we end up with I. telling me I'm the best Mommy ever. WHAT?! It's exhausting to me. One time I pointed out that she was being negative and that if she couldn't say anything nice to not say anything more so what does she do? She screams at me, "I love you" Huh?
The only thing I take comfort in is that she understands that my job is to teach her wrong from right and that she won't always like it when I'm teaching her. When we've talked a couple of times, she has told me this and I overhear her telling D., "It's okay, you don't know wrong from right but I'll teach you.". This provides me with a glimmer of hope that maybe we're not off the path, at least not too far.
For the next 4 days, she is spending time at my parents' house and she was so excited. Part of me is dreading next week, though I'm trying not to expend any energy toward it, because at my parents' she is the center of attention and it's fun, fun, fun non stop as it should be when you're with your grandparents. I don't imagine that this will help next week when we have a more balanced week. However, I'm not going to think about it for the next 4 days. I'm going to enjoy having D. all to myself. I plan on kissing and hugging on him as much as possible since I won't be under surveillance. I can't imagine having just one kid again and an easy kid at that. Should be a cinch, though I do need to get some major baby clothing projects done and work on I.'s room.
Speaking of that....tonight will be the last night that D. is sleeping in the same room as me. Tomorrow night, he will begin sleeping in I.'s room while she's gone and Sunday when she gets home will be the first night they sleep in the same room. Oh boy that should be fun. I am sad about him moving out of my bedroom because I love being the first one he sees in the morning. I get out of bed, open the closet door, and there he is sitting up smiling at me. It's the best sight ever. But he'll be 11 months this week and it's been a longer run that I hoped for so I will try to just be grateful for that time.
Instead I have been left with this other kid - the negative, grumbling one. Oh she'll help but only when she chooses to and she'll be cheerful and positive but only when things are going the way she wants. I'm at a loss, I'm dumbfounded. I didn't raise her to be a brat or a complainer. I've set boundaries, done the tough love while still being loving in between the tough moments. Yet here we are.
Each day I end up disappointed, frustrated, and feeling like things are so off the track and I don't know what to change to get things back on track. I spend one on one time with her while D. is down for naps, playing with her some, cooking together, doing science projects together etc. and while she is happy during these times, as soon as they are over and we need to get some things done Negative Nelly shows up. "This is SO b-o-r-i-n-g." "You never play with me." "You always feed D. first." "You never do anything for me." You get the idea. It's like being on a roller coaster which I dislike immensely. In the morning things are great then things are not good, then okay again, then crappy and sometimes we end up with I. telling me I'm the best Mommy ever. WHAT?! It's exhausting to me. One time I pointed out that she was being negative and that if she couldn't say anything nice to not say anything more so what does she do? She screams at me, "I love you" Huh?
The only thing I take comfort in is that she understands that my job is to teach her wrong from right and that she won't always like it when I'm teaching her. When we've talked a couple of times, she has told me this and I overhear her telling D., "It's okay, you don't know wrong from right but I'll teach you.". This provides me with a glimmer of hope that maybe we're not off the path, at least not too far.
For the next 4 days, she is spending time at my parents' house and she was so excited. Part of me is dreading next week, though I'm trying not to expend any energy toward it, because at my parents' she is the center of attention and it's fun, fun, fun non stop as it should be when you're with your grandparents. I don't imagine that this will help next week when we have a more balanced week. However, I'm not going to think about it for the next 4 days. I'm going to enjoy having D. all to myself. I plan on kissing and hugging on him as much as possible since I won't be under surveillance. I can't imagine having just one kid again and an easy kid at that. Should be a cinch, though I do need to get some major baby clothing projects done and work on I.'s room.
Speaking of that....tonight will be the last night that D. is sleeping in the same room as me. Tomorrow night, he will begin sleeping in I.'s room while she's gone and Sunday when she gets home will be the first night they sleep in the same room. Oh boy that should be fun. I am sad about him moving out of my bedroom because I love being the first one he sees in the morning. I get out of bed, open the closet door, and there he is sitting up smiling at me. It's the best sight ever. But he'll be 11 months this week and it's been a longer run that I hoped for so I will try to just be grateful for that time.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Day 24 - V. Is Still Gone
Going on Day 24 of V. being gone. Have you ever seen the movie "Groundhog Day"? Well every morning when that alarm goes off at 6:30 that's how I feel.
V. called on Friday, the day he was supposed to come home. The day we were all holding on for and told me that his best friend in NY was in the hospital. He had passed out the night before and fell down and split his head open. When they took him into ER, he couldn't feel his legs. I told V. he had to go up to be with him for the weekend. He drove up there this morning and spent the day and evening with his friend and his parents and will spend more time with his friend tomorrow. He can feel his legs now and can walk with help but he is going to have to have neck surgery and have rods placed in there - major surgery. But V. should be home tomorrow night just in time to leave by 4am on Monday morning to go to LA for 2 days, coming home late Tuesday night. By the time the kids see him on Wednesday before bed, it will have been one month. That is way too long.
In that time, D. has started commando crawling, then regular crawling one knee here and there. He can motor from one room to another room. He knows how to suck on his tongue to make a clucking noise. And he's become an even wilder man in the bathtub - flipping over on his stomach (this is still in a toddler bathtub) to reach the faucet behind him. He is just so determined.
While I. has not changed all that much, she is emotionally hanging in there, barely. I put together a BBQ for tomorrow because I know she enjoys that to lessen the disappointment of V. not being home as scheduled.
And me, well I try to not think of me because I need to think of these kids first. I have the ability to maintain perspective while these two are too little to do that. My job has been to hold down the fort but I will look forward to when V. is home and I am not solely responsible.
V. called on Friday, the day he was supposed to come home. The day we were all holding on for and told me that his best friend in NY was in the hospital. He had passed out the night before and fell down and split his head open. When they took him into ER, he couldn't feel his legs. I told V. he had to go up to be with him for the weekend. He drove up there this morning and spent the day and evening with his friend and his parents and will spend more time with his friend tomorrow. He can feel his legs now and can walk with help but he is going to have to have neck surgery and have rods placed in there - major surgery. But V. should be home tomorrow night just in time to leave by 4am on Monday morning to go to LA for 2 days, coming home late Tuesday night. By the time the kids see him on Wednesday before bed, it will have been one month. That is way too long.
In that time, D. has started commando crawling, then regular crawling one knee here and there. He can motor from one room to another room. He knows how to suck on his tongue to make a clucking noise. And he's become an even wilder man in the bathtub - flipping over on his stomach (this is still in a toddler bathtub) to reach the faucet behind him. He is just so determined.
While I. has not changed all that much, she is emotionally hanging in there, barely. I put together a BBQ for tomorrow because I know she enjoys that to lessen the disappointment of V. not being home as scheduled.
And me, well I try to not think of me because I need to think of these kids first. I have the ability to maintain perspective while these two are too little to do that. My job has been to hold down the fort but I will look forward to when V. is home and I am not solely responsible.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Busy Week
It's been really busy since my last post with I. being out of school. I. and I have been enjoying hanging out together with one of our favorite activities being baking in the morning while D. takes his morning nap, or some shortened version of it some days. We've made gingerbread cookies, sugar cookies, two loaves of cranberry nut bread, and Mexican wedding cakes. Much of it we've shared with others and tomorrow morning we'll be taking some of the Mexican wedding cakes and bread to our next door neighbors who bring in our trashcans almost every week (along with everyone else's on our row). It's been quality and quantity time with I. and with her not being in school, she is more relaxed, cheerful, and funny. We're really been having a good time though it has been exhausting by the afternoon without any downtime. Now I've been fighting off a throat virus for the last few days and I'm hoping it begins to improve or at least, not get worse.
Last weekend was not very good for me. To make a long story short, I attempted to supplement D.'s feeding with some pumped milk, multiple ways, multiple nipples and all resulted in D. screaming and crying and me crying as well. He did not want the nipple and even when he got the milk in his mouth, he spit it out because he was full from my feeding. Two days of these attempts left me mute on Sunday night, literally mute. That's how depressed and down I was. Even my parents sent an email saying that my mom had had to stop nursing me because I was still hungry when she fed me but that she had to supplement for the good of me. As though I am putting my desire to breastfeed D. above his wellbeing. It really upset me and angered me.
I remembered that a friend of mine is a pediatrician so I emailed her with all his growth stats and pics and asked her for her opinion. I also began wondering why I was taking a beautiful experience of nursing and allowing it to become such a stress filled, upsetting experience just based on what the ped says vs. what I know in my heart of hearts - D. is okay, he's more than okay. So I decided to just keep feeding him as often as possible and track his weight. My friend emailed back that yes, he was a slow gainer, but he was gaining and he definitely wasn't a skinny baby. That he looked fine and sounded great and to not worry about it.
One thing I did start doing this week and that I am enjoying immensely is for the first feeding in the morning (ie. the one that I know for certain he's not going to go back to sleep after or one that is at a decent time in the morning as in after 5:30am), I get him up, change him and get him buck naked except for that diaper. Then I put him bed with me, put the covers over our heads and nurse him while we warm up skin to skin and I can caress his little body. It's just the nicest, sweetest thing ever and I love it. He loves it too. It's the perfect way to usher in a new day, communicating warmth, love, and safety. And it's supposed to help with breastfeeding so that's even better.
Now if I can just start feeling better, that would be fantastic and if D. would have a few good nights of sleep with some long stretches for me, that would be even better. Here's wishing for both!
Last weekend was not very good for me. To make a long story short, I attempted to supplement D.'s feeding with some pumped milk, multiple ways, multiple nipples and all resulted in D. screaming and crying and me crying as well. He did not want the nipple and even when he got the milk in his mouth, he spit it out because he was full from my feeding. Two days of these attempts left me mute on Sunday night, literally mute. That's how depressed and down I was. Even my parents sent an email saying that my mom had had to stop nursing me because I was still hungry when she fed me but that she had to supplement for the good of me. As though I am putting my desire to breastfeed D. above his wellbeing. It really upset me and angered me.
I remembered that a friend of mine is a pediatrician so I emailed her with all his growth stats and pics and asked her for her opinion. I also began wondering why I was taking a beautiful experience of nursing and allowing it to become such a stress filled, upsetting experience just based on what the ped says vs. what I know in my heart of hearts - D. is okay, he's more than okay. So I decided to just keep feeding him as often as possible and track his weight. My friend emailed back that yes, he was a slow gainer, but he was gaining and he definitely wasn't a skinny baby. That he looked fine and sounded great and to not worry about it.
One thing I did start doing this week and that I am enjoying immensely is for the first feeding in the morning (ie. the one that I know for certain he's not going to go back to sleep after or one that is at a decent time in the morning as in after 5:30am), I get him up, change him and get him buck naked except for that diaper. Then I put him bed with me, put the covers over our heads and nurse him while we warm up skin to skin and I can caress his little body. It's just the nicest, sweetest thing ever and I love it. He loves it too. It's the perfect way to usher in a new day, communicating warmth, love, and safety. And it's supposed to help with breastfeeding so that's even better.
Now if I can just start feeling better, that would be fantastic and if D. would have a few good nights of sleep with some long stretches for me, that would be even better. Here's wishing for both!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Off to a Rough Start
Anyone who knows me, knows that the past 1-2 years has been rough when it came to having a truly enjoyable, relaxing vacation. It just seemed like despite all the best laid plans and hope, the trip would in some way involve stress and disappointment. This vacation did not get off to an auspicious start.
Last year in lieu of our traditional week in Palm Desert, we went to Puerto Rico which goes down in my mind as our worst vacation to date. So I've been waiting 2 years to get back to the desert, a place where I have good memories of relaxation and unstructured fun. We got a couple of phone calls from the resort over the past few weeks, asking for checking preferences, condo location preferences, so I had high hopes.
They offered checkin at the gate rather than getting out of the car and I thought "cool!" plus they were letting us chicken early which is always good considering I.'s early bedtime. So I pulled up to the gate - no checkin packet is there for us so off we go to get out of e car and checkin. Uhoh. Then the condo is not ready and since we have $200 worth of groceries in the car and it's 99 degrees, I ask what else they have on a top floor that is ready. Sure they say and off we go. We grab a load of stuff and then discover that the room numbers they gavels are not valid for the building number we are supposedly in. Thank God for cell phones - I call up to the front desk again and get the "real" room numbers which do not remotely resemble the actual room numbers. Huh?
We finally get everything in the units after many trips upstairs in this heat and I get I. Into the bath. I haven't gotten a chance to look outside yet so I go to the window expecting the normal, serene golf course view that I have relished for e past 6 years. I mean, this view is the highlight of the early evening hours for me. I ggo outside with a couple of books, an adult beverage (obviously not this year), and I just relax in the warmth and read. This is my idea of a vacation.
Except when I look outside this year, I see a bunch of people sitting around a pool and an asphalt parking lot. WTF?! I won't repeat what came out of my mouth and kept coming out of my mouth for several minutes. Let's just say it was a good thing that I. Was in the bath. Then I went into the other bathroom, sat on the edge of the tub, and sobbed. Like I said, not an auspicious start.
Part 2 "the redemption" to come...
Last year in lieu of our traditional week in Palm Desert, we went to Puerto Rico which goes down in my mind as our worst vacation to date. So I've been waiting 2 years to get back to the desert, a place where I have good memories of relaxation and unstructured fun. We got a couple of phone calls from the resort over the past few weeks, asking for checking preferences, condo location preferences, so I had high hopes.
They offered checkin at the gate rather than getting out of the car and I thought "cool!" plus they were letting us chicken early which is always good considering I.'s early bedtime. So I pulled up to the gate - no checkin packet is there for us so off we go to get out of e car and checkin. Uhoh. Then the condo is not ready and since we have $200 worth of groceries in the car and it's 99 degrees, I ask what else they have on a top floor that is ready. Sure they say and off we go. We grab a load of stuff and then discover that the room numbers they gavels are not valid for the building number we are supposedly in. Thank God for cell phones - I call up to the front desk again and get the "real" room numbers which do not remotely resemble the actual room numbers. Huh?
We finally get everything in the units after many trips upstairs in this heat and I get I. Into the bath. I haven't gotten a chance to look outside yet so I go to the window expecting the normal, serene golf course view that I have relished for e past 6 years. I mean, this view is the highlight of the early evening hours for me. I ggo outside with a couple of books, an adult beverage (obviously not this year), and I just relax in the warmth and read. This is my idea of a vacation.
Except when I look outside this year, I see a bunch of people sitting around a pool and an asphalt parking lot. WTF?! I won't repeat what came out of my mouth and kept coming out of my mouth for several minutes. Let's just say it was a good thing that I. Was in the bath. Then I went into the other bathroom, sat on the edge of the tub, and sobbed. Like I said, not an auspicious start.
Part 2 "the redemption" to come...
Monday, September 6, 2010
Not A Good Ending
Off to the races we went this afternoon and I was surprised that it wasn't very crowded at all especially in the infield with the kids' entertainment. I. had a great time going on all the slides and bouncy things over and over again without having to wait at least for the first hour. A pony ride capped things off and we got to see the first horse race before I. started complaining that she was hungry. Mind you, before we left the house she was fed lunch and had a granola bar at the races. No matter, by 2:15, she was hungry. Thus is my life.
We headed to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants that was nearby, one that we usually make great memories. Sadly to say, not so much today (and that's putting it mildly). Why? Six hours later, I'm still not sure. Except for Puerto Rico, we've never had trouble with I. in restaurants. The first crying jag of the meal I think was triggered by I.'s low blood sugar because she began acting and feeling better as soon as she began eating. I handled the crying well - quickly grabbed her and carried her outside to calm down without everyone's eyes on us. Back inside, we began eating and things were good until the very end of the meal. Then she started getting a little mischievious with V. (they were sitting on the same side to give me a break for a change), then she wasn't listening to him when he told her to stop, and then they were wrestling around a bit until I told them to both stop it before something got broken. By now, I'm getting irritated. One, because I've already dealt with one tantrum of sorts. Two, because I've had to take I. to the bathroom 2 times during the last 30 minutes. Three, because I'm still getting over being sick and at the races, I ended up lugging her around a lot because V.'s back was really hurting and I'm starting to feel worn out. Lastly, I'm getting frustrated with watching this dynamic between the two of them, this way that they feed off the worst of each other until things go really bad really fast and then I'm left to mop the whole mess up. I guess the most confusing and frustrating thing is that I don't believe they mean to do it. In fact, I don't think they actually realize it. It's kind of like a married couple who know how to push each other's buttons and although they may not see it, people on the outside see it coming.
When I. ceased listening, picked up a knife to play with and refuse to let it go, it was time to end it. So I grabbed the diaper bag and carried her out of the restaurant (again) through 5 waiters standing there. As I started up the first of two flight of stairs, I. started fighting and caused me to fall up the stairs luckily without injury to either of us. She then proceeded to throw herself on the ground, mind you screaming at the top of her lungs. So I grabbed her arm and lugged her up the first set of stairs and then carried her up the last set. I got her to walk out to the car and then had to strongarm her into the car seat. It wasn't pleasant.
I am disappointed how this last day of summer ended. I am crushed because there are two red marks on one of I.'s arms from when I was lugging her up the stairs. After I got her in bed, I basically cried in the shower and collapsed on the couch. Physically, emotionally, and mentally I'm done. The only thing I'm trying to keep in mind is that by the time we got home, I. wasn't upset at all and seem to forget everything. She didn't understand why I was crying before we read books; all she seemed to remember were the good things of the day. While I may not get that, I'll try to take comfort in that. I want so much to have good memories for her of us together. I also want so much for me to have good memories of us together.
It was a hard last day of summer vacation and tomorrow I will tearfully take I. to her first day of preschool, hoping that she will retain nothing but good memories of this summer. Then it's up to me to retain those same good memories for myself.
We headed to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants that was nearby, one that we usually make great memories. Sadly to say, not so much today (and that's putting it mildly). Why? Six hours later, I'm still not sure. Except for Puerto Rico, we've never had trouble with I. in restaurants. The first crying jag of the meal I think was triggered by I.'s low blood sugar because she began acting and feeling better as soon as she began eating. I handled the crying well - quickly grabbed her and carried her outside to calm down without everyone's eyes on us. Back inside, we began eating and things were good until the very end of the meal. Then she started getting a little mischievious with V. (they were sitting on the same side to give me a break for a change), then she wasn't listening to him when he told her to stop, and then they were wrestling around a bit until I told them to both stop it before something got broken. By now, I'm getting irritated. One, because I've already dealt with one tantrum of sorts. Two, because I've had to take I. to the bathroom 2 times during the last 30 minutes. Three, because I'm still getting over being sick and at the races, I ended up lugging her around a lot because V.'s back was really hurting and I'm starting to feel worn out. Lastly, I'm getting frustrated with watching this dynamic between the two of them, this way that they feed off the worst of each other until things go really bad really fast and then I'm left to mop the whole mess up. I guess the most confusing and frustrating thing is that I don't believe they mean to do it. In fact, I don't think they actually realize it. It's kind of like a married couple who know how to push each other's buttons and although they may not see it, people on the outside see it coming.
When I. ceased listening, picked up a knife to play with and refuse to let it go, it was time to end it. So I grabbed the diaper bag and carried her out of the restaurant (again) through 5 waiters standing there. As I started up the first of two flight of stairs, I. started fighting and caused me to fall up the stairs luckily without injury to either of us. She then proceeded to throw herself on the ground, mind you screaming at the top of her lungs. So I grabbed her arm and lugged her up the first set of stairs and then carried her up the last set. I got her to walk out to the car and then had to strongarm her into the car seat. It wasn't pleasant.
I am disappointed how this last day of summer ended. I am crushed because there are two red marks on one of I.'s arms from when I was lugging her up the stairs. After I got her in bed, I basically cried in the shower and collapsed on the couch. Physically, emotionally, and mentally I'm done. The only thing I'm trying to keep in mind is that by the time we got home, I. wasn't upset at all and seem to forget everything. She didn't understand why I was crying before we read books; all she seemed to remember were the good things of the day. While I may not get that, I'll try to take comfort in that. I want so much to have good memories for her of us together. I also want so much for me to have good memories of us together.
It was a hard last day of summer vacation and tomorrow I will tearfully take I. to her first day of preschool, hoping that she will retain nothing but good memories of this summer. Then it's up to me to retain those same good memories for myself.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The 3 F's
The sense of futility, frustration, and failure hangs heavy in the humid air this morning. Before 8:15 am. I was in tears, feeling unloved and unappreciated by my daughter. The one that just 5 years ago, I carried in my body and was so looking forward to meeting.
I thought I was a good mom but with the behavior I've been seeing for the past month, I must have been doing it all wrong for a very long time. I just don't get it. I haven't been treating her like she's the middle of the universe, she's a part of the family. I have been consistent with her discipline and teaching her what is and is not acceptable, she knows it. But this summer she's been trying to turn into a little tyrant and that's been the battle the whole freaking summer. Everything, no matter how small, she has to make it into a fight with me. Going to the bathroom - NO. So three times a day she pisses in her underwear.
And if something big and fun isn't on the day's agenda, then she'll throw a tantrum first thing in the morning. This morning, her underwear were inside out and she threw them at me and said, "YOU fix them. I'm not fixing them." This is NOT how I have been raising this child. I feel like I have been doing the hard work, not taking the easy road of just letting her do what she wants but now it seems like I am sowing nothing but defiance and disrespect.
It feels like all I do is punish because I don't think I should let these instances pass without consequences. In between, I give love and physical affection to try to balance it out but it still feels like I'm just mean momma every day, every second. It exhausts me and breaks my heart and after over a month of this, it's breaking my spirit.
I thought I was a good mom but with the behavior I've been seeing for the past month, I must have been doing it all wrong for a very long time. I just don't get it. I haven't been treating her like she's the middle of the universe, she's a part of the family. I have been consistent with her discipline and teaching her what is and is not acceptable, she knows it. But this summer she's been trying to turn into a little tyrant and that's been the battle the whole freaking summer. Everything, no matter how small, she has to make it into a fight with me. Going to the bathroom - NO. So three times a day she pisses in her underwear.
And if something big and fun isn't on the day's agenda, then she'll throw a tantrum first thing in the morning. This morning, her underwear were inside out and she threw them at me and said, "YOU fix them. I'm not fixing them." This is NOT how I have been raising this child. I feel like I have been doing the hard work, not taking the easy road of just letting her do what she wants but now it seems like I am sowing nothing but defiance and disrespect.
It feels like all I do is punish because I don't think I should let these instances pass without consequences. In between, I give love and physical affection to try to balance it out but it still feels like I'm just mean momma every day, every second. It exhausts me and breaks my heart and after over a month of this, it's breaking my spirit.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
She Gave Our Gift
Disappointment doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. This is the hardest emotion for me to deal with probably because it involves various emotions - sadness, anger, being let down, hurt. I vacillate between wanting to cry and wanting to punch a wall. Neither are really going to make me feel better so I do nothing. Well, not quite nothing because I'm blogging about it. That's really just for my own mental health and to try and get it out of my head so that I don't have nightmares tonight.
Now, to get to the title of the post. The ex told the girls what OUR graduation present was (taking them to Puerto Rico for a week). Let me say that again: THAT BITCH TOLD THE GIRLS WHAT OUR PRESENT WAS. You know, the present that I have spent over 20 hours researching and planning. The one that we were looking forward to giving them to see their excited reaction. It's done. There's no excited reaction to see because SHE saw it. She got the reaction to OUR gift. I went to AAA this week to get printed literature on Puerto Rico so that we could do a drawn out "reveal" of the vacation. Tonight I worked on the rest of it so that V. could see it since they're coming down tomorrow night. And for what, a big fat nothing.
I am full of such anger and hatred towards the ex right now. What a fucking bitch. This one week after we hung out with them for 8 hours, us being personable, nice people and then she turns around and basically fucks us. This is when I wish I still was involved with martial arts so that I could punch and kick something until I felt better, all the while visualizing the offending person's face. But I'm not so I'm just going to have to deal with it. Luckily, I'm going to the gym tomorrow morning so I will have some physical outlet.
Life is too short for this kind of bullshit.
Now, to get to the title of the post. The ex told the girls what OUR graduation present was (taking them to Puerto Rico for a week). Let me say that again: THAT BITCH TOLD THE GIRLS WHAT OUR PRESENT WAS. You know, the present that I have spent over 20 hours researching and planning. The one that we were looking forward to giving them to see their excited reaction. It's done. There's no excited reaction to see because SHE saw it. She got the reaction to OUR gift. I went to AAA this week to get printed literature on Puerto Rico so that we could do a drawn out "reveal" of the vacation. Tonight I worked on the rest of it so that V. could see it since they're coming down tomorrow night. And for what, a big fat nothing.
I am full of such anger and hatred towards the ex right now. What a fucking bitch. This one week after we hung out with them for 8 hours, us being personable, nice people and then she turns around and basically fucks us. This is when I wish I still was involved with martial arts so that I could punch and kick something until I felt better, all the while visualizing the offending person's face. But I'm not so I'm just going to have to deal with it. Luckily, I'm going to the gym tomorrow morning so I will have some physical outlet.
Life is too short for this kind of bullshit.
Friday, June 18, 2010
One on One
I need to balance out my last obscenity laden post with a nice one I think. I've got to tell you, once I finished that last post I felt much better. Yesterday I. and I went to the Fair all day and we had a really good time looking at the all the animals, the photograph displays, some of the things that were being sold, and all the scary crazy rides they have this year. Then we went over to the Kiddie section, rode a bunch of rides, and had a yogurt sundae with fresh strawberries. It was just fun to be together, laughing and having fun; a nice change to our normal routine of fun being fit around "what needs to get done".
Today is another day apart from the routine. My brother gave my mom and I a massage certificate for Mother's Day two years ago and she's been putting it off. One, because she doesn't like massages AT ALL and two, because my sister the millstone prevented it with her constant draining presence. Well, finally we're going to do it which means that I. gets to spend 4 hours by herself with my dad, which is a first. They are going to have so much fun and I love that I. gets that time by herself with him. And I'm looking forward to the massage of course and some one on one time with my mom. Of course, my sister threw a rip roaring fit about the whole thing but screw her. We're having lunch at the spa and then some relaxation time before the massage and it should be really fun. As much as my mother drives me nuts on the phone, if you get her away from my sister and are one on one in person, we have a lot of fun, usually with many rude comments from me triggering her laughter and tears which just eggs me on.
V. is coming home tonight. I asked about the girls coming down this weekend and he said the ex had left a message on his phone that "the girls have activities this weekend" so they won't be coming down. He kind of bit my head off a little when he said that so I know it hurt him and that hurts me. It's Father's Day for crying out loud, make an effort. He asked how I. was and I made a point of telling him that she was psyched for Father's Day, how she's been working feverishly on his card, had spent time picking out the perfect presents and wrapping them. Hopefully it made him feel a little better. I think it did 'cause I heard a smile in his voice when he responded to what I said.
Today is another day apart from the routine. My brother gave my mom and I a massage certificate for Mother's Day two years ago and she's been putting it off. One, because she doesn't like massages AT ALL and two, because my sister the millstone prevented it with her constant draining presence. Well, finally we're going to do it which means that I. gets to spend 4 hours by herself with my dad, which is a first. They are going to have so much fun and I love that I. gets that time by herself with him. And I'm looking forward to the massage of course and some one on one time with my mom. Of course, my sister threw a rip roaring fit about the whole thing but screw her. We're having lunch at the spa and then some relaxation time before the massage and it should be really fun. As much as my mother drives me nuts on the phone, if you get her away from my sister and are one on one in person, we have a lot of fun, usually with many rude comments from me triggering her laughter and tears which just eggs me on.
V. is coming home tonight. I asked about the girls coming down this weekend and he said the ex had left a message on his phone that "the girls have activities this weekend" so they won't be coming down. He kind of bit my head off a little when he said that so I know it hurt him and that hurts me. It's Father's Day for crying out loud, make an effort. He asked how I. was and I made a point of telling him that she was psyched for Father's Day, how she's been working feverishly on his card, had spent time picking out the perfect presents and wrapping them. Hopefully it made him feel a little better. I think it did 'cause I heard a smile in his voice when he responded to what I said.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Mood Hijacking
You wanna know how you can go from feeling content and happy to annoyed and really bummed out all in one short hour? You call my mom for the weekly check-in phone call and listen to her non-stop hour long monologue filled with meaningless, countless details of stories about my sister and brother. Stories that my mom labels as "funny" when in reality, they are perfect examples of how ill equipped both of them are to independently function in life. Stories that illustrate what happens when you constantly rescue your child from any and all consequences of their poor actions. And she wonders out loud why they don't learn the lessons and stop the behavior. I've only been a mother for 4+ years and even I have figured that one out.
You know, I'm sorry, I just don't find it funny anymore. It's like a broken record and not only am I tired of it, I'm tired of ME paying the consequences. Like not being able to see my parents during the week, during the daytime hours - the only hours I can see them because I HAVE A YOUNG CHILD IN MY HOUSE. They don't, but they act like they do and that is beyond annoying to me.
So I told my mom that the stories weren't funny to me because they were just going to be another thing that was going to be stressing her out down the road because she keeps bailing him out and solving all his problems for him. I could tell she blew me off because she just changed the topic to move on to when was V. going to not be home for the weekend so that we could see each other. Because, as stated before, they can only visit with me and I. on the weekends because of my 26 year old deadbeat loser of a sister. So just as soon as I finally have my hubby back a little, they want to know when he's going to be gone so they can visit. That's beyond stupid and pisses me off.
After an hour that seemed like two, I had to go get I. out of the gym's kid center so I was able to terminate the conversation. Did my mom ask anything about I. or my life? How was our weekend? What did we do as a family? How are things going? Nope, not one fucking thing.
And that's how a mood gets hijacked. Now the hard part is getting it back to where it was before. I'll let you know if I discover any helpful hints on that along the way.
You know, I'm sorry, I just don't find it funny anymore. It's like a broken record and not only am I tired of it, I'm tired of ME paying the consequences. Like not being able to see my parents during the week, during the daytime hours - the only hours I can see them because I HAVE A YOUNG CHILD IN MY HOUSE. They don't, but they act like they do and that is beyond annoying to me.
So I told my mom that the stories weren't funny to me because they were just going to be another thing that was going to be stressing her out down the road because she keeps bailing him out and solving all his problems for him. I could tell she blew me off because she just changed the topic to move on to when was V. going to not be home for the weekend so that we could see each other. Because, as stated before, they can only visit with me and I. on the weekends because of my 26 year old deadbeat loser of a sister. So just as soon as I finally have my hubby back a little, they want to know when he's going to be gone so they can visit. That's beyond stupid and pisses me off.
After an hour that seemed like two, I had to go get I. out of the gym's kid center so I was able to terminate the conversation. Did my mom ask anything about I. or my life? How was our weekend? What did we do as a family? How are things going? Nope, not one fucking thing.
And that's how a mood gets hijacked. Now the hard part is getting it back to where it was before. I'll let you know if I discover any helpful hints on that along the way.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Trying Not To Think Too Much
Thinking too much is never a good thing, at least when it comes to me. Overthinking leads to erroneous conclusions that can only make me feel bad. Knowing that, I am trying to not overthink but it is difficult.
This morning, we finally gave the girls their purses, you know the $200 ones that caused a fight and have been sitting in the bedroom since before Christmas as a constant reminder. Yeah, THOSE purses. It's actually a relief because now I can move on. However, there's a little problem. The problem being that I communicated last week (as I was counseled) that it hurts when V. doesn't make me feel special. I gave the example of how he brought everyone else a gift from Saudi Arabia (even himself) except me. All I got out of Saudi Arabia was a 14 month missing piece of my life and a marriage battered by the experience. It makes me want to get that printed on a shirt to wear around the house but that would be highly passive aggressive so in the best interest of all involved, I'll refrain.
Okay, so with that little backstory from last week and the fact that while in Saudi, V. was able to get online and make sure the purses were ordered, here's the little problem - he didn't get me anything for Christmas. Yes, he sent flowers with a stuffed animal to I. and I at Christmas time and I loved them. In fact, I made those flowers last for 3 weeks and lugged them out and back from Palm Desert. So, it's not that I wasn't grateful for them - I was. It's just that last week, he came back to a bunch of Christmas and birthday presents plus a nice Christmas dinner and this week, the girls got their motherload of gifts (there was more besides the purses). We spent over $500 on their gifts and I sat there last week and this week and got nothing.
I'm struggling with beating myself up for sounding petty, childish, and selfish. But I'm not supposed to do that if the feeling is a normal human and quite valid feeling. So I'm trying to just let myself be but it's hard because if I just let myself "be", I'm quite hurt and angry. I don't want to feel this way and I thought by going out on the limb and expressing my feelings along with a good example last week, this situation would have been avoided.
Being a mother, especially of a small child, is by nature a selfless job. It's her needs first all the time and especially when V. has been gone for over a year, my needs are not even on the radar. At some point though, enough is enough. I just don't really know exactly what to do about this. I mean, I already brought this topic up last week and nothing changed. What's the point of bringing it up again? You know what they say about insanity - it's doing the same thing over and over again and being surprised when the results aren't different. I guess that makes me insane because I really did expect the results would be different this time. My bad...
This morning, we finally gave the girls their purses, you know the $200 ones that caused a fight and have been sitting in the bedroom since before Christmas as a constant reminder. Yeah, THOSE purses. It's actually a relief because now I can move on. However, there's a little problem. The problem being that I communicated last week (as I was counseled) that it hurts when V. doesn't make me feel special. I gave the example of how he brought everyone else a gift from Saudi Arabia (even himself) except me. All I got out of Saudi Arabia was a 14 month missing piece of my life and a marriage battered by the experience. It makes me want to get that printed on a shirt to wear around the house but that would be highly passive aggressive so in the best interest of all involved, I'll refrain.
Okay, so with that little backstory from last week and the fact that while in Saudi, V. was able to get online and make sure the purses were ordered, here's the little problem - he didn't get me anything for Christmas. Yes, he sent flowers with a stuffed animal to I. and I at Christmas time and I loved them. In fact, I made those flowers last for 3 weeks and lugged them out and back from Palm Desert. So, it's not that I wasn't grateful for them - I was. It's just that last week, he came back to a bunch of Christmas and birthday presents plus a nice Christmas dinner and this week, the girls got their motherload of gifts (there was more besides the purses). We spent over $500 on their gifts and I sat there last week and this week and got nothing.
I'm struggling with beating myself up for sounding petty, childish, and selfish. But I'm not supposed to do that if the feeling is a normal human and quite valid feeling. So I'm trying to just let myself be but it's hard because if I just let myself "be", I'm quite hurt and angry. I don't want to feel this way and I thought by going out on the limb and expressing my feelings along with a good example last week, this situation would have been avoided.
Being a mother, especially of a small child, is by nature a selfless job. It's her needs first all the time and especially when V. has been gone for over a year, my needs are not even on the radar. At some point though, enough is enough. I just don't really know exactly what to do about this. I mean, I already brought this topic up last week and nothing changed. What's the point of bringing it up again? You know what they say about insanity - it's doing the same thing over and over again and being surprised when the results aren't different. I guess that makes me insane because I really did expect the results would be different this time. My bad...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It Just Gets Weirder
V. told me last week when he got home that he would have to go into work one day a week during this time off. Since I. had speech therapy in the morning and we could get the grocery shopping out of the way too, I suggested that today would be the best day for V. to go into work. With everything that has been going on, it would give me a chance to get some breathing room and a break from the emotional onslaught.
He drove up to LA at 4am this morning saying he needed to have access to a scanner to send all his receipts - okay. He said he would be back by 6pm for dinner - okay. But here comes the weird part, at least for me. While I was taking I. to speech therapy, going grocery shopping, making meals, and playing with I. after her resttime, it turns out that after working in the morning, V. took off to his favorite Mexican place for lunch and then went to the movies by himself before coming home.
When he came home as I was fixing dinner and announced this, I have to say I was thrown off and not thrilled. I don't want to begrudge him this pleasure but part of me was pissed off. Pissed off because one, I feel like this is just another example of him trying to live life as an Individual rather than part of this Family; two, because I'm still raising our child without any freedom, break, emotional support, or escape; and three, because he was just able to pull it off without major consult with me, my parents, a babysitter, or his ex-wife which is about what it takes me to pull off any sort of escape. It must be fucking nice to be able to have a wife for sex, a kid for family and still have the freedom to be able to basically do what you want if you really want to.
I made a few comments and then tried to shut up. V. had made the comment yesterday when I was telling him how crappy he was acting that I "needed a massage" so I had decided to take him up on that. I called tonight to find out what appts. my favorite therapist had available (haven't seen her in over a year) and was going to ask V. if one of the days and times would work for him. Well, after hearing his day's fun, I said, "I WAS going to ask you if this day and time would be okay but since we're living as individuals, I'm TELLING you that I'm going to have a massage on this day and time and you'll need to take care of I."
It just sucks. You think maybe I might have wanted to see that 2 hr. 45 min. movie? Why am I only planning for things for the two of us to do when he's obviously able to piece together a fun date? Has he ever planned a date since we've been married? No. I think I've made things way too easy for him, always thinking he's working so hard for us so I should go out of my way to make things easy and special for him. I'm thinking that needs to change. I'm beginning to realize that he's a hard worker by nature - he's not working hard to provide for us but just because that's how he is. He needs to make more of an effort toward us not toward himself and his nature.
On the plus side, he was trying to make an effort at talking tonight when he got home. Unfortunately, I was trying to bite my tongue from sarcastic comments about his enjoyable afternoon to himself that I could not bring myself to compliment him on his effort. While he had a delicious, relaxing meal by himself and then enjoyed a long movie, I was wiping shit, dealing with a tantrum, having to answer endless questions, finalize tax returns, scan various 1099's to email to the tax man, make dinner, feed, bathe and bed a child. And according to him, I shouldn't feel angry, jealous, or upset that he was able to up and do whatever it was that he wanted to.
I've come to the conclusion that being the mother in this house is easily the hardest, most selfless and often shitty job. I've also decided that I need to demand in specific ways that V. steps up his efforts in this marriage because right now, he's just not cutting it.
He drove up to LA at 4am this morning saying he needed to have access to a scanner to send all his receipts - okay. He said he would be back by 6pm for dinner - okay. But here comes the weird part, at least for me. While I was taking I. to speech therapy, going grocery shopping, making meals, and playing with I. after her resttime, it turns out that after working in the morning, V. took off to his favorite Mexican place for lunch and then went to the movies by himself before coming home.
When he came home as I was fixing dinner and announced this, I have to say I was thrown off and not thrilled. I don't want to begrudge him this pleasure but part of me was pissed off. Pissed off because one, I feel like this is just another example of him trying to live life as an Individual rather than part of this Family; two, because I'm still raising our child without any freedom, break, emotional support, or escape; and three, because he was just able to pull it off without major consult with me, my parents, a babysitter, or his ex-wife which is about what it takes me to pull off any sort of escape. It must be fucking nice to be able to have a wife for sex, a kid for family and still have the freedom to be able to basically do what you want if you really want to.
I made a few comments and then tried to shut up. V. had made the comment yesterday when I was telling him how crappy he was acting that I "needed a massage" so I had decided to take him up on that. I called tonight to find out what appts. my favorite therapist had available (haven't seen her in over a year) and was going to ask V. if one of the days and times would work for him. Well, after hearing his day's fun, I said, "I WAS going to ask you if this day and time would be okay but since we're living as individuals, I'm TELLING you that I'm going to have a massage on this day and time and you'll need to take care of I."
It just sucks. You think maybe I might have wanted to see that 2 hr. 45 min. movie? Why am I only planning for things for the two of us to do when he's obviously able to piece together a fun date? Has he ever planned a date since we've been married? No. I think I've made things way too easy for him, always thinking he's working so hard for us so I should go out of my way to make things easy and special for him. I'm thinking that needs to change. I'm beginning to realize that he's a hard worker by nature - he's not working hard to provide for us but just because that's how he is. He needs to make more of an effort toward us not toward himself and his nature.
On the plus side, he was trying to make an effort at talking tonight when he got home. Unfortunately, I was trying to bite my tongue from sarcastic comments about his enjoyable afternoon to himself that I could not bring myself to compliment him on his effort. While he had a delicious, relaxing meal by himself and then enjoyed a long movie, I was wiping shit, dealing with a tantrum, having to answer endless questions, finalize tax returns, scan various 1099's to email to the tax man, make dinner, feed, bathe and bed a child. And according to him, I shouldn't feel angry, jealous, or upset that he was able to up and do whatever it was that he wanted to.
I've come to the conclusion that being the mother in this house is easily the hardest, most selfless and often shitty job. I've also decided that I need to demand in specific ways that V. steps up his efforts in this marriage because right now, he's just not cutting it.
Friday, February 12, 2010
There's Always A Catch
V. finally made it home last night around 1am. after a delay in San Fran thanks to customs and security. Hard to get back into the US from Saudi it seems. He's been sleeping most of the day but I was prepared for that. In fact, I pretty much pretended he wasn't here and that worked well since it kept both my expectations and frustrations extremely low. It's taken me awhile but finally, I think I've got it. I. was thrilled to have her Daddy home though it made for some emotional outbursts that I, as her momma, had to deal with.
I woke him up for a home cooked, hot meal and that's when I asked the question I knew I was overdue in asking. I was originally told that V. would have to be in China by March 1st and then back by July 1st for a new position that would keep him here at home with us for an actual family life. Granted, I figured if there was a major change I would be told but as past experiences have taught me, if I don't ask the right question, I'll never get the answer I'm looking for. With V., no matter how many times he gets in trouble for this, it will never change; of this I am certain. The question was, "So do you still have to go to China by March 1st or has that changed?"
And guess what? There had been a MAJOR change as of a couple of days ago. V. will not be going to China by March 1st; however, in September he will be going there for another "Saudi" long-term type of project implementation. So that light shining at the end of the tunnel isn't there anymore, it's gone. Yeah, he'll be home for awhile and yes, I can safely plan for my birthday but I can't even begin to express how DONE I am with these year long (or longer) assignments that separate us for months on end.
Right now, I can't even fathom doing these past 14 months over again. As he lays sleeping on the couch, tears stream down my face with the certainty that he'll be gone, out of our lives again and I don't want to do it anymore. It's painful and exhausting and lonely.
I've got to turn my mind tonight to tomorrow which should be a good day since we are reenacting Christmas morning for V. I have the Christmas morning breakfast for us and V. is going to open his Christmas gifts before all of us (hopefully) head to the gym. The balance between living in the moment and dreading what the future holds is precarious right now. Hopefully, I'll get a better hold on it as the days go on .
I woke him up for a home cooked, hot meal and that's when I asked the question I knew I was overdue in asking. I was originally told that V. would have to be in China by March 1st and then back by July 1st for a new position that would keep him here at home with us for an actual family life. Granted, I figured if there was a major change I would be told but as past experiences have taught me, if I don't ask the right question, I'll never get the answer I'm looking for. With V., no matter how many times he gets in trouble for this, it will never change; of this I am certain. The question was, "So do you still have to go to China by March 1st or has that changed?"
And guess what? There had been a MAJOR change as of a couple of days ago. V. will not be going to China by March 1st; however, in September he will be going there for another "Saudi" long-term type of project implementation. So that light shining at the end of the tunnel isn't there anymore, it's gone. Yeah, he'll be home for awhile and yes, I can safely plan for my birthday but I can't even begin to express how DONE I am with these year long (or longer) assignments that separate us for months on end.
Right now, I can't even fathom doing these past 14 months over again. As he lays sleeping on the couch, tears stream down my face with the certainty that he'll be gone, out of our lives again and I don't want to do it anymore. It's painful and exhausting and lonely.
I've got to turn my mind tonight to tomorrow which should be a good day since we are reenacting Christmas morning for V. I have the Christmas morning breakfast for us and V. is going to open his Christmas gifts before all of us (hopefully) head to the gym. The balance between living in the moment and dreading what the future holds is precarious right now. Hopefully, I'll get a better hold on it as the days go on .
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Good and the Not So Good
I haven't posted for awhile because I've been sick and just had nothing left after a full day with I. Anyways, I'll start with the good. I. and I had a fun time making a gingerbread house with friends earlier this week. The kids played so well together that we were able to sit down and have a conversation that actually made sense - what a treat!
Yesterday I had a nice lunch with Terry and it was nice to sit down just the two of us and talk about whatever came to mind. It's always fun and easy with him. Today, I. and I went to the Helen Woodward Center to learn about and visit with dogs which we both enjoyed very much. Then, stopped off for a piece of pizza for lunch before going to preschool. Today was Baby Jesus' Birthday Party and I volunteered to help for the day, much to I.'s delight. It was a lot of fun hanging out with a bunch of excited 4 year olds for the afternoon but tiring as well. I. loved having me there so that made the experience even better - it's nice when you're kid is proud to show you off happily to her friends!
Now the not so good. Off and on last week and the week prior, I was suffering through the hassle and irritation of the "check debacle" as I call it. Without going through all the gory details, the bottom line is that due to a couple of issues, the ex's check was late and instead of contacting ME the person who has the checkbook and access to the post office, she keeps calling V., who is 8300 miles away, stressed out, and working 7 days a week 14 hours a day. To me, that just screams,"I don't give a shit about you, it's all about me. Where's my money?!!" What a bitch. Finally got that resolved late last week and had major irritation #2 handed to me this morning in the form of this exchange:
V.: "There's going to be some Juicy Couture boxes delivered to the house."
A.: "Oh really?"
V.: "Yeah, they're the other part of the girls' Xmas presents."
A.: "So, she called you again just to tell you what we were to buy them?"
V.: "This is why I just took care of it myself instead of telling you."
A." "You know, it feels again like you guys are the family and it's just I. and I over here on the sidelines. She calls you up to tell you what your girls want for Xmas and even though getting all the Xmas gifts is my job, you and her just talk it over and you go and do it without involving me at all. I guess I'm just here on my own."
Of course, he declared that ridiculous but you know, this just goes along with the "I'm taking the girls to Puerto Rico" bullshit. This is what I HATE the most about being apart for this past year - he's totally reverting back to the single man state of mind that he was in before we got together. Or as I call it "it's not all about you" attitude that he's been copping during the short times he has been home. It's like I have to break him out of it but by the time I do, he's gone again. I AM SO TIRED AND FRUSTRATED OVER THIS!
Keep in mind, they're not going to get these presents until practically February when V. comes home. Regardless, they had to be ordered and delivered now. Which brings me to a related topic that has really been making me sad, to the point of tearing up, all day. It may sound immature, childish, or even selfish but so be it - I'm still going to say it anyways. I really don't think V. is going to send me anything for Christmas and that makes me cry. I wasn't expecting anything and would have been fine, but now that he made sure to immediately do what the ex said and get gifts delivered for the girls ASAP, well that changes everything.
I'm not going to say anything because I don't want him to send me anything unless he thinks of it and wants to. If he does nothing for Christmas, that says to me that I'm not special enough to him to make an effort to communicate to me somehow that he loves, cares about, and misses me. Bottom line, he just doesn't care enough to try to do something nice for me for Christmas. If this all comes to pass, it's just going to make Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ten times harder and just adds another time this year where he had the opportunity to step up to the plate and just didn't fucking feel like it no matter how that made me feel. Keep in mind, that I did tell him that I asked my mom to take I. shopping to buy me something because I would feel really bad if there was nothing at all under the tree on Christmas morning for me. I made it clear how sad that would make me so he was put on notice.
So after that rant, what have I/did I do to try to make his Christmas special? Keep in mind, there was very little space in his suitcase and I can count on 2 fingers places that will deliver something other than flowers to Riyadh. But here it goes...I made an advent baggie for him that has a loving thought for every day thru Jan. 1st and put it in his suitcase; I had all 3 girls make him Xmas cards and included one from me too plus some pics, put them all in a Xmas sack for Xmas morning (suitcase); and I spent literally hours finding a place to send awesome French chocolates on Xmas Eve to his office in Riyadh. I didn't want to send a cake because he'll probably be there for his bday next month so I wanted something different and I was really excited when I found this place online (of course). I'll end this post now since we're back up on a positive note.
Yesterday I had a nice lunch with Terry and it was nice to sit down just the two of us and talk about whatever came to mind. It's always fun and easy with him. Today, I. and I went to the Helen Woodward Center to learn about and visit with dogs which we both enjoyed very much. Then, stopped off for a piece of pizza for lunch before going to preschool. Today was Baby Jesus' Birthday Party and I volunteered to help for the day, much to I.'s delight. It was a lot of fun hanging out with a bunch of excited 4 year olds for the afternoon but tiring as well. I. loved having me there so that made the experience even better - it's nice when you're kid is proud to show you off happily to her friends!
Now the not so good. Off and on last week and the week prior, I was suffering through the hassle and irritation of the "check debacle" as I call it. Without going through all the gory details, the bottom line is that due to a couple of issues, the ex's check was late and instead of contacting ME the person who has the checkbook and access to the post office, she keeps calling V., who is 8300 miles away, stressed out, and working 7 days a week 14 hours a day. To me, that just screams,"I don't give a shit about you, it's all about me. Where's my money?!!" What a bitch. Finally got that resolved late last week and had major irritation #2 handed to me this morning in the form of this exchange:
V.: "There's going to be some Juicy Couture boxes delivered to the house."
A.: "Oh really?"
V.: "Yeah, they're the other part of the girls' Xmas presents."
A.: "So, she called you again just to tell you what we were to buy them?"
V.: "This is why I just took care of it myself instead of telling you."
A." "You know, it feels again like you guys are the family and it's just I. and I over here on the sidelines. She calls you up to tell you what your girls want for Xmas and even though getting all the Xmas gifts is my job, you and her just talk it over and you go and do it without involving me at all. I guess I'm just here on my own."
Of course, he declared that ridiculous but you know, this just goes along with the "I'm taking the girls to Puerto Rico" bullshit. This is what I HATE the most about being apart for this past year - he's totally reverting back to the single man state of mind that he was in before we got together. Or as I call it "it's not all about you" attitude that he's been copping during the short times he has been home. It's like I have to break him out of it but by the time I do, he's gone again. I AM SO TIRED AND FRUSTRATED OVER THIS!
Keep in mind, they're not going to get these presents until practically February when V. comes home. Regardless, they had to be ordered and delivered now. Which brings me to a related topic that has really been making me sad, to the point of tearing up, all day. It may sound immature, childish, or even selfish but so be it - I'm still going to say it anyways. I really don't think V. is going to send me anything for Christmas and that makes me cry. I wasn't expecting anything and would have been fine, but now that he made sure to immediately do what the ex said and get gifts delivered for the girls ASAP, well that changes everything.
I'm not going to say anything because I don't want him to send me anything unless he thinks of it and wants to. If he does nothing for Christmas, that says to me that I'm not special enough to him to make an effort to communicate to me somehow that he loves, cares about, and misses me. Bottom line, he just doesn't care enough to try to do something nice for me for Christmas. If this all comes to pass, it's just going to make Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ten times harder and just adds another time this year where he had the opportunity to step up to the plate and just didn't fucking feel like it no matter how that made me feel. Keep in mind, that I did tell him that I asked my mom to take I. shopping to buy me something because I would feel really bad if there was nothing at all under the tree on Christmas morning for me. I made it clear how sad that would make me so he was put on notice.
So after that rant, what have I/did I do to try to make his Christmas special? Keep in mind, there was very little space in his suitcase and I can count on 2 fingers places that will deliver something other than flowers to Riyadh. But here it goes...I made an advent baggie for him that has a loving thought for every day thru Jan. 1st and put it in his suitcase; I had all 3 girls make him Xmas cards and included one from me too plus some pics, put them all in a Xmas sack for Xmas morning (suitcase); and I spent literally hours finding a place to send awesome French chocolates on Xmas Eve to his office in Riyadh. I didn't want to send a cake because he'll probably be there for his bday next month so I wanted something different and I was really excited when I found this place online (of course). I'll end this post now since we're back up on a positive note.
Friday, November 27, 2009
A Day of Ups and Downs (#2)
I've already had another post with the same title but there just wasn't any other fitting title for today.
Here were the ups: the girls stayed another day, I wasn't on duty all night since I. was with my parents, I got to sleep until 9am (absolute bliss), we went mini-golfing,
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We had a nice early dinner together, and they made a Christmas card for V. that I can put in his suitcase (I asked them to do this).
Here were the downs: V. was too tired to mini-golf with us and just moved from bench to bench, V. went to bed at 4pm until I rousted him at 7 but went back to bed at 7:30, the girls hibernated in their room from 4pm on, I started my period this afternoon, and V. never talks to the girls and it pisses me off and saddens me. I talk to them, ask questions, laugh with them and he just sits there in front of the computer or at the table and just says nothing unless he's had a margarita and has loosened up. I just don't get it - he was such an engaging, involved dad when they were 8 but the last 6 years or so, he just disengaged and it bugs me. I've talked to him about it but there's no change. He didn't even tell the girls that he wasn't going to be here for Christmas (they found out from me when I asked them to make a card for him) - that's just fucked up.
There were ups today but right now, I'm just tearing up because even though it's a full house tonight, I'm sitting here alone. I think all the girls had a good time mini-golfing, I was having to push down my frustration and disappointment that V. was COMPLETELY disengaged from us. I know he has horrible jet lag but it just hurt that he was separate from us. I have an early date night scheduled for tomorrow night and really, I don't hold much hope for it. Maybe if I keep my expectations down to nothing, I'll be pleasantly surprised. We'll see...
Here were the ups: the girls stayed another day, I wasn't on duty all night since I. was with my parents, I got to sleep until 9am (absolute bliss), we went mini-golfing,
.jpg)
We had a nice early dinner together, and they made a Christmas card for V. that I can put in his suitcase (I asked them to do this).
Here were the downs: V. was too tired to mini-golf with us and just moved from bench to bench, V. went to bed at 4pm until I rousted him at 7 but went back to bed at 7:30, the girls hibernated in their room from 4pm on, I started my period this afternoon, and V. never talks to the girls and it pisses me off and saddens me. I talk to them, ask questions, laugh with them and he just sits there in front of the computer or at the table and just says nothing unless he's had a margarita and has loosened up. I just don't get it - he was such an engaging, involved dad when they were 8 but the last 6 years or so, he just disengaged and it bugs me. I've talked to him about it but there's no change. He didn't even tell the girls that he wasn't going to be here for Christmas (they found out from me when I asked them to make a card for him) - that's just fucked up.
There were ups today but right now, I'm just tearing up because even though it's a full house tonight, I'm sitting here alone. I think all the girls had a good time mini-golfing, I was having to push down my frustration and disappointment that V. was COMPLETELY disengaged from us. I know he has horrible jet lag but it just hurt that he was separate from us. I have an early date night scheduled for tomorrow night and really, I don't hold much hope for it. Maybe if I keep my expectations down to nothing, I'll be pleasantly surprised. We'll see...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I'm So F*ing Done
Two phone calls I could have done without tonight. First my mom calls because I haven't called her in a week and a half so I answer the phone 'cause I know she's wondering why. The conversation was okay except for two things. First, she comments on how in the last month, several women have tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. Her next comment was that it was odd because "you know, most women try to kill themselves the easy way by taking pills". Hmmm, either she's callous or has written an alternative rendition of my history 'cause that's just not something she should said to me. YOU get to that point emotionally and then swallow 300 pills and THEN tell me how easy it is, okay? I'll wait for you to get back to me on that.
Then I said something about how I've been trying to process my loss of Mark and that how I was trying to stop (I hesitated here trying to find the right word) and she decided to fill in the blank with "moping". Uh, no I haven't been moping. I've been grieving and that's what healthy normal people do when someone they love dies. You don't just go with the "you have to have a positive attitude and watch funny movies in order to feel better and move on". It's not healthy and I HAVE NOT BEEN FUCKING MOPING. Give me a break.
The second phone call was from V. who informed me that IF he makes it home on Wednesday night, he'll have to fly back Monday, 5 days later. I was thinking he'd be home for his usual 10 days, meaning that we would be able to actually use the early Christmas tickets to the Seinfeld comedy show at the Civic Theater. But nope, that would be something fun so that's not allowed. So I said, "Oh great. I thought we were going to be able to go out and have fun that one night and now I'll just be sitting there by myself I guess." His response: 2 loud drawn out breaths out. So I said,"You know what, we should just get off the phone now because I am so done." And that's what we did. I'm ready for a new day.
Then I said something about how I've been trying to process my loss of Mark and that how I was trying to stop (I hesitated here trying to find the right word) and she decided to fill in the blank with "moping". Uh, no I haven't been moping. I've been grieving and that's what healthy normal people do when someone they love dies. You don't just go with the "you have to have a positive attitude and watch funny movies in order to feel better and move on". It's not healthy and I HAVE NOT BEEN FUCKING MOPING. Give me a break.
The second phone call was from V. who informed me that IF he makes it home on Wednesday night, he'll have to fly back Monday, 5 days later. I was thinking he'd be home for his usual 10 days, meaning that we would be able to actually use the early Christmas tickets to the Seinfeld comedy show at the Civic Theater. But nope, that would be something fun so that's not allowed. So I said, "Oh great. I thought we were going to be able to go out and have fun that one night and now I'll just be sitting there by myself I guess." His response: 2 loud drawn out breaths out. So I said,"You know what, we should just get off the phone now because I am so done." And that's what we did. I'm ready for a new day.
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