As in "So much to say but don't even know how to say it."
Or "So much for jail teaching her a lesson."
Or "I hate my sister so much."
I think that last sentence is the most truthful and if I am being really honest, it only scratches the surface of emotions, namely anger, that I feel towards her.
I don't want to get into details because I don't want to become too enraged again. Short story is that she's been out of jail for 6 days. Last night she shows up at my parents' house at midnight causing a scene with some shit story about going off with some guys (instead of staying at the rescue mission) and getting all her stuff taken by them along with being raped by them as well. It's all bullshit because she always says she's raped and then changes the story on a daily basis. She was thrown out of the rescue mission last night because she was taking too long to eat due to the fact that the meal was not vegan and when the lady told her she needed to finish up, my sister went crazy on her and cussed her out. How she got clear up to Carlsbad from downtown San Diego I don't know.
So what do my parents do because they don't want to have the neighbors see a police car in front of their house? They scream and yell back and forth with her and then let her sleep in their car in the garage and lock the house door so she can't get in. It's pretty obvious she's back on drugs. They spent the whole day trying to find a place for her to sleep tonight but they all have waiting lists. She had to go to some "substance abuse assessor" down at the court in Vista today so my parents drove her there and then to the pharmacy to get her meds filled. Of course the whole time she's telling them that this is all their fault, that they made her a drug addict because they drank wine when she was growing up, and just being a fucking bitch. There was yelling and screaming but you can't argue with crazy. Tomorrow she has to go back to the courthouse because I don't think she was able to see that assessor or something. Who knows. After spending the whole day with her blaming them for everything, my dad refused to have her sleep at the house. So what do they do? Get her a motel room across from the courthouse so that it will be easy for him to pick her up. It's insanity on top of insanity.
Supposedly there's some place in Lemon Grove/El Cajon that may be able to take her tomorrow. I don't know. My dad just sounds like he's going to have a heart attack and I don't want to ask very many questions.
I cannot even begin to verbally express how much I hate her. I told V. today when I talked to him briefly that it was a good thing I had the kiddos because if I didn't, I would probably drive over there and just go off on her. She truly is the ugliest, nastiest, piece of shit and waste of oxygen I know.
Another good reason why I should keep my home away from North County.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Drama Warm Up
Oh my gosh, I don't know that I am going to make it through this day. Seriously. I've got to hurry and get this crap out of my brain before we hit the road to my parents' or I am liable to explode.
Got a phone call from my mom which was expected since they always call and tell us to come later than they thought. What's aggravating off the bat though is that she leaves a voicemail telling me to call her instead of just telling me the new time or better yet, send me a text with the new time. The reason she wants me to call is that she wants to spend 10 minutes telling me why we have to come later, all the gory details that I don't care to know and then explain how much more and what it is she has left to do. It's stupid.
So I grit my teeth as she did indeed launch into "how many more bad things can happen to us". I had just enough patience to deal with that as I moved through the grocery aisles to pick a few things up. However, when I said something about putting the kiddos to bed by 6pm, she gets this whiny, wheedling tone and says, "Oh can't I. stay up and see the fireworks? Sienna (Aaron's girlfriend's daughter who is the same age) is going to get to stay up and watch them." I laughed and answered, "And she probably wasn't up at 4:30 this morning and probably will sleep in until 9:00 tomorrow." She wouldn't let up and said, "Oh that's just so sad and that's going to make I. feel bad. Why can't you make an exception this one time?" Okay, so now I'm mad because I've tried to be nice and now she's attempting to make me feel like I'm the mean mom and I should feel bad or guilty about this. So I told her that if I. was going to bed normally at 7:30 or something like that, I'd consider making the exception but that keeping her up for almost 5 hours past her bedtime was ridiculous and that she would be absolutely miserable the whole time plus the entire next day at the very least. Plus, I could just count on her getting sick with a cold and then D. would get it because that is how it has worked for the past 7 years.
I know both my parents will give me some sad hangdog look when I say it's time to go to bed and I fully expect my dad to make a comment as well. Because that's how it's always been - if they think they know best then they will keep making comments as a team and expect you to just take it silently or finally acquiesce and do what they want. That's what I usually did as a kid just to keep the peace and get them to let up on me. I'm not willing to do that and frankly, I'm tired of being poked between the bars and then getting called "nasty" when I actually react to the jabs.
And honestly, I really don't give a flying fuck what Aaron's girlfriend allows her daughter to do. She also has the kid spend the night on the couch and they go sleep together in the adjoining bedroom. Is that a good idea? Should I look to her for parenting advice and direction? So bite me.
We haven't even gotten there and already there's this.
Got a phone call from my mom which was expected since they always call and tell us to come later than they thought. What's aggravating off the bat though is that she leaves a voicemail telling me to call her instead of just telling me the new time or better yet, send me a text with the new time. The reason she wants me to call is that she wants to spend 10 minutes telling me why we have to come later, all the gory details that I don't care to know and then explain how much more and what it is she has left to do. It's stupid.
So I grit my teeth as she did indeed launch into "how many more bad things can happen to us". I had just enough patience to deal with that as I moved through the grocery aisles to pick a few things up. However, when I said something about putting the kiddos to bed by 6pm, she gets this whiny, wheedling tone and says, "Oh can't I. stay up and see the fireworks? Sienna (Aaron's girlfriend's daughter who is the same age) is going to get to stay up and watch them." I laughed and answered, "And she probably wasn't up at 4:30 this morning and probably will sleep in until 9:00 tomorrow." She wouldn't let up and said, "Oh that's just so sad and that's going to make I. feel bad. Why can't you make an exception this one time?" Okay, so now I'm mad because I've tried to be nice and now she's attempting to make me feel like I'm the mean mom and I should feel bad or guilty about this. So I told her that if I. was going to bed normally at 7:30 or something like that, I'd consider making the exception but that keeping her up for almost 5 hours past her bedtime was ridiculous and that she would be absolutely miserable the whole time plus the entire next day at the very least. Plus, I could just count on her getting sick with a cold and then D. would get it because that is how it has worked for the past 7 years.
I know both my parents will give me some sad hangdog look when I say it's time to go to bed and I fully expect my dad to make a comment as well. Because that's how it's always been - if they think they know best then they will keep making comments as a team and expect you to just take it silently or finally acquiesce and do what they want. That's what I usually did as a kid just to keep the peace and get them to let up on me. I'm not willing to do that and frankly, I'm tired of being poked between the bars and then getting called "nasty" when I actually react to the jabs.
And honestly, I really don't give a flying fuck what Aaron's girlfriend allows her daughter to do. She also has the kid spend the night on the couch and they go sleep together in the adjoining bedroom. Is that a good idea? Should I look to her for parenting advice and direction? So bite me.
We haven't even gotten there and already there's this.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Dichotomy + Anger
It's been a long week, a lot going on. V. left on Sunday morning in the wee hours and just got back tonight. It feels like it should be Friday.
The dichotomy part is that there are some really good parts, funny, memorable times in the day followed by some really frustrating, chaotic times. For some reason I find it hard to process a day where I feel "high" but some really simple, quiet peaceful time of day and then later encounter a tumultuous, exhausting, out of control time of day. It's almost as though the emotional swing of events is more tiring than the actual events themselves.
Take for instance today. Enjoyed a Costco trip solely on the fact that D. enjoyed all the samples even though they were spicy and then we ate lunch together at home. Quiet, relaxed, one on one time. Then bedtime came round with me and both the kids and it was like game on. Chaos, I. crying, D. biting - I think I need to read Dante's Inferno to gain perspective at this point. I think once D. gets older, it will get easier but for now, it's insanity.
This week was also hard because V. was at a conference instead of just working away from home. Conferences mean work during the day and play at night, I remember. The play part is not the problem, it's just that it meant that I didn't get to talk to V. pretty much until the third night he was gone. By that point, a lot had happened and because I didn't talk about it with him, I was wrapped around in my head. Even tonight when he got home, I just felt quiet and depressed. This is in direct contrast to how I felt this morning when I found out that the company trip to New York for V. beating his goals does NOT fall on our vacation. The day after we get back from our vacation but I can make that work.
I think the pivotal thing coloring my mental and emotional thinking is my conversation with my mother yesterday. Her update on my sister and what she (my sister) thinks she is going to do when she gets out of jail angered me. I don't want to get into details but she continues to try to manipulate my parents and dictate what she is going to do when she gets out. It makes me angry, really deep down angry. The kind of anger that seethes, that causes me to become mute and draw into myself. This is really when I could use martial arts to hit and kick and get it all out.
The dichotomy part is that there are some really good parts, funny, memorable times in the day followed by some really frustrating, chaotic times. For some reason I find it hard to process a day where I feel "high" but some really simple, quiet peaceful time of day and then later encounter a tumultuous, exhausting, out of control time of day. It's almost as though the emotional swing of events is more tiring than the actual events themselves.
Take for instance today. Enjoyed a Costco trip solely on the fact that D. enjoyed all the samples even though they were spicy and then we ate lunch together at home. Quiet, relaxed, one on one time. Then bedtime came round with me and both the kids and it was like game on. Chaos, I. crying, D. biting - I think I need to read Dante's Inferno to gain perspective at this point. I think once D. gets older, it will get easier but for now, it's insanity.
This week was also hard because V. was at a conference instead of just working away from home. Conferences mean work during the day and play at night, I remember. The play part is not the problem, it's just that it meant that I didn't get to talk to V. pretty much until the third night he was gone. By that point, a lot had happened and because I didn't talk about it with him, I was wrapped around in my head. Even tonight when he got home, I just felt quiet and depressed. This is in direct contrast to how I felt this morning when I found out that the company trip to New York for V. beating his goals does NOT fall on our vacation. The day after we get back from our vacation but I can make that work.
I think the pivotal thing coloring my mental and emotional thinking is my conversation with my mother yesterday. Her update on my sister and what she (my sister) thinks she is going to do when she gets out of jail angered me. I don't want to get into details but she continues to try to manipulate my parents and dictate what she is going to do when she gets out. It makes me angry, really deep down angry. The kind of anger that seethes, that causes me to become mute and draw into myself. This is really when I could use martial arts to hit and kick and get it all out.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Sometimes Enough is Enough
Ever since I received that voice mail from my sister I have thought about sending her an email, setting the record straight and what she needs to do while she's sitting in jail. I held back, figuring it would do no good, maybe it was even mean to send her an email while she's in jail. I am a nice person and wouldn't feel good about doing something that could be construed as kicking someone while they are down even if that someone was my sister.
However, all that changed yesterday while I was at my parents' house for Mother's Day. Coincidentally, yesterday marked 2 years to the day since I last subjected myself to my sister and when I had decided that I would not endure any more. She had sent my dad a birthday card and my mother a card for Mother's Day. I was surprised until my mother told me to read the cards and then I realized why she had sent them. Not for the normal reason of wanting to acknowledge someone else but simply as a vehicle to harass and attack in her "I'm better than you" way. I swear, her and Jodi Arias would be best friends because they think the same way. My father's card was just obnoxious and insincere but my mother's card began with a snotty tirade about their request that she sign the release form to allow them to verify with the jail that she indeed is getting all the help that she purports to be getting. I should back up for a second and mention that my mom was telling me last week about a 45 minute phone call she had with my sister who spun up some really amazing claims and stories of vicitimization and talked about how much help she was getting etc. I pointed out to my mom that none of what she was saying added up and that I thought it was all BS and she was manipulating them once again because they said they wouldn't help when she got out unless she got help while she was in jail. I told my mom to have my dad email her and ask her to sign the release so that they could verify the facts and that if she refused, they basically had their answer of whether or not she was telling the truth.
So back to my mom's card and my sister's snotty tirade which ended with telling my mom it was none of her business. That set me off and I told my mom that my sister just earned herself an email from me. It took me awhile to write it. I didn't want to be cruel but I did want her to know that I know she's full of it and that I would be working hard to make sure my parents knew she was full of it. It was kind of a declaration of war on my part - there is no longer anything under a polite surface. She will know exactly where I stand and that I am actively working to debunk her. It won't make a difference but today, I feel better and mentally lighter. It felt good to stand up to a bad person, to let that sort of a person know that I'm onto them and it's game on baby! It will be interesting to see if she writes me a letter back (to my parents' house, I certainly wouldn't give her MY address). Have to stay tuned for that.
Here's what I wrote:
However, all that changed yesterday while I was at my parents' house for Mother's Day. Coincidentally, yesterday marked 2 years to the day since I last subjected myself to my sister and when I had decided that I would not endure any more. She had sent my dad a birthday card and my mother a card for Mother's Day. I was surprised until my mother told me to read the cards and then I realized why she had sent them. Not for the normal reason of wanting to acknowledge someone else but simply as a vehicle to harass and attack in her "I'm better than you" way. I swear, her and Jodi Arias would be best friends because they think the same way. My father's card was just obnoxious and insincere but my mother's card began with a snotty tirade about their request that she sign the release form to allow them to verify with the jail that she indeed is getting all the help that she purports to be getting. I should back up for a second and mention that my mom was telling me last week about a 45 minute phone call she had with my sister who spun up some really amazing claims and stories of vicitimization and talked about how much help she was getting etc. I pointed out to my mom that none of what she was saying added up and that I thought it was all BS and she was manipulating them once again because they said they wouldn't help when she got out unless she got help while she was in jail. I told my mom to have my dad email her and ask her to sign the release so that they could verify the facts and that if she refused, they basically had their answer of whether or not she was telling the truth.
So back to my mom's card and my sister's snotty tirade which ended with telling my mom it was none of her business. That set me off and I told my mom that my sister just earned herself an email from me. It took me awhile to write it. I didn't want to be cruel but I did want her to know that I know she's full of it and that I would be working hard to make sure my parents knew she was full of it. It was kind of a declaration of war on my part - there is no longer anything under a polite surface. She will know exactly where I stand and that I am actively working to debunk her. It won't make a difference but today, I feel better and mentally lighter. It felt good to stand up to a bad person, to let that sort of a person know that I'm onto them and it's game on baby! It will be interesting to see if she writes me a letter back (to my parents' house, I certainly wouldn't give her MY address). Have to stay tuned for that.
Here's what I wrote:
We all want you to get help while you’re in jail. If you were diabetic, you’d be under a doctor’s care and receiving medication. The only difference is that your brain needs the medication.You told our parents that you were getting mental help in jail. I called there and verified that you hadn’t received any mental attention or therapy. I told M&D to ask you to sign the release so that they could verify and know that what you say is true. If you refused to sign it, then they would know that you were lying and just continuing to manipulate them. Big surprise, you refused.You told Momma it wasn’t any of her business whether you are getting help or not? So maybe it’s not any of their business to pay for all your prepaid phone cards, your groceries, your rented rooms, your health insurance etc.? Perhaps you should rethink your snotty comments and sign the release.And just for the record, my kids are with me 24/7 except for when they visit M&D for a few days throughout the year. There is no room to “plant your feet in” as you put it. None of us have a room in M&D’s house any more, we’re all adults. It is only their house from now on.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
A Different Kind of Easter
Usually Easter is a time of joy, not only for the reason of Easter, but also because in our family we've always had a fun Easter egg hunt at my parents' house. When I was a kid, before the siblings came along, it would be my parents, their best friends (a married couple), and me running around like nuts in their huge backyard looking for eggs. It was cutthroat and competitive and involved champagne for the adults which led to many hilarious going-ons during the hunt.
Then that couple moved away and the siblings came and my parents' priorities changed. There was still an egg hunt and it was still fun but there started to be more of a focus on material things which always seems to mar the fun of the simple things in life. Now in the past 10 years or so, the egg hunt, while fun during the hunt itself, is surrounded by stress namely my mother who is in charge of hiding the eggs. Unfortunately this stress surrounds every holiday at my parents' house and in order to enjoy the holiday events, I have to consciously focus on the happy moments and now that I. is around, I solely concentrate on her and the joy she experiences to block out the rest of it. It's really no wonder that when we get home from these holidays, I am emotionally and mentally exhausted with all the "focusing" that goes on just to make it through.
I know that today will be no different, in fact it's going to be much worse than normal. Because of risky investment choices, no job/income for months, and a refusal to make lifestyle changes to reduce expenses, my parents did not have enough money to hold Easter. I'm bringing the side dishes and my brother gave them money for the meat and Easter goodies and that's how we're having it. We don't mind, don't get me wrong, but it definitely casts a pall on the day especially considering that my dad is crying pretty much every day at this point. My brother and I are so angry at my sister because she is still living off my parents even though they have no money and unappreciatively too that it may result in a volatile situation today if she pulls any of her usual "it's all about me" shit. And I still haven't figured out a strategy for how I'm going to deal with her if she does. A big part of me thinks that it needs to be said - she needs to get a job and stop spending all her time at the gym (that my parents pay for) and on the internet (which my parents pay for). But I don't want to ruin Easter either....
Guess we'll just have to see how it all plays out.
Then that couple moved away and the siblings came and my parents' priorities changed. There was still an egg hunt and it was still fun but there started to be more of a focus on material things which always seems to mar the fun of the simple things in life. Now in the past 10 years or so, the egg hunt, while fun during the hunt itself, is surrounded by stress namely my mother who is in charge of hiding the eggs. Unfortunately this stress surrounds every holiday at my parents' house and in order to enjoy the holiday events, I have to consciously focus on the happy moments and now that I. is around, I solely concentrate on her and the joy she experiences to block out the rest of it. It's really no wonder that when we get home from these holidays, I am emotionally and mentally exhausted with all the "focusing" that goes on just to make it through.
I know that today will be no different, in fact it's going to be much worse than normal. Because of risky investment choices, no job/income for months, and a refusal to make lifestyle changes to reduce expenses, my parents did not have enough money to hold Easter. I'm bringing the side dishes and my brother gave them money for the meat and Easter goodies and that's how we're having it. We don't mind, don't get me wrong, but it definitely casts a pall on the day especially considering that my dad is crying pretty much every day at this point. My brother and I are so angry at my sister because she is still living off my parents even though they have no money and unappreciatively too that it may result in a volatile situation today if she pulls any of her usual "it's all about me" shit. And I still haven't figured out a strategy for how I'm going to deal with her if she does. A big part of me thinks that it needs to be said - she needs to get a job and stop spending all her time at the gym (that my parents pay for) and on the internet (which my parents pay for). But I don't want to ruin Easter either....
Guess we'll just have to see how it all plays out.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Busy
Time is flying by and I know before I realize it, the baby will be here and I'll be thinking to myself, "Oh shit, how'd this happen?!" Things have just been so busy and I swear the most frustrating thing for the last couple of weeks has been that I will attempt to write a short post in the morning unsuccessfully. Unsuccessfully because I. still has not been able to get tv, video game or coloring privileges back for more than one day for the past 3 weeks due to peeing in her underwear. When I took her in for her 5.5 year old checkup, the doctor said that we need to ratchet up the consequence of this behavior since my 3 day deprivation was obviously not working. So it went up to 7 days - she needs to be dry for a week then she gets one thing back at a time. Well, that has resulted in one day of tv privileges (1 hr.) and then she peed and lost it all over again.
It sounds like a good thing that she isn't watching any tv and it is in a way. But in another way it is a huge pain in the ass for me because she then thinks that my purpose in the morning is to be here entertainer/playperson. She'll play with something for a little while but inevitably it turns into "Look at me." every 5 seconds or when I'm eating breakfast, she'll install herself with her toy of choice right on the corner of table next to me, crowding me and requesting my attention. It's just enough to drive me over the edge some mornings. I think some of my frustration is that I was an only child for a long time and I played by myself for long stretches of time because my mom had stuff she had to get done in the morning. I didn't hang on my mom driving her nuts every morning. I guess maybe the baby will help with that? I surely hope so.
We got our new couches yesterday which hopefully will help relieve some back pain and they do look nice so I can cross that off my nesting list. The taxes were completed on Sunday night at 10pm due to the idiocy of an accountant who would not do his job nor seemed to even understand that it was his job to get me a certain form. I had our taxes done in February and was just waiting for this one form which believe it or not, he still hasn't provided but I had to go ahead and file without it and hope for the best. What an ahole! This week I finally got the other contractor to come back and clear out his excess materials and the old toilet that he so nicely left in the garage and it only took 3 phone calls to get taken care of. And I'm running full speed ahead on the kindergarten decision for I. this fall. We did 2 observations at 2 schools and I'm going to call and see if I can get one more at the public school we are on the waiting list for. Plus still trying to get the last bedroom put back together from the demolition. There's still so much to do but at least I've been able to cross some things off the list.
Gotta get to the gym so I have an hour to make the call to my mom to hear the latest news via monologue. This weekend is Easter and my brother and I are trying to take care of some of the things that stress my mom out. It's hard though because she tends to refuse help and then falls apart at the time or right afterwards. I don't want to go eat an Easter meal at their house when my dad is out of work so I want to help bring it over. The worst part is that my sister will be there and I have a growing level of anger about her that has been magnified by the fact that my parents have no money yet they are still supporting her financially and worst of all, she doesn't appreciate it at all. I mean, not even a little. Her attitude is "What about me? I want this, I want that, give it to me now." In a 2 year old, it's annoying. In a 28 year old, it's almost unbearable. I've got to figure out some strategy of how to deal with her on Sunday because right now, I don't even want her to speak to me and I know that's an unrealistic expectation. Though not as unrealistic as you may think, because when she's around my mom, she tends to ignore everyone and monopolizes my mom - attaches herself to her hip and just talks nonstop about nothing just so noone else can get near my mom. Now I really need to get to the gym to work off some of this aggravation in a physical way.
It sounds like a good thing that she isn't watching any tv and it is in a way. But in another way it is a huge pain in the ass for me because she then thinks that my purpose in the morning is to be here entertainer/playperson. She'll play with something for a little while but inevitably it turns into "Look at me." every 5 seconds or when I'm eating breakfast, she'll install herself with her toy of choice right on the corner of table next to me, crowding me and requesting my attention. It's just enough to drive me over the edge some mornings. I think some of my frustration is that I was an only child for a long time and I played by myself for long stretches of time because my mom had stuff she had to get done in the morning. I didn't hang on my mom driving her nuts every morning. I guess maybe the baby will help with that? I surely hope so.
We got our new couches yesterday which hopefully will help relieve some back pain and they do look nice so I can cross that off my nesting list. The taxes were completed on Sunday night at 10pm due to the idiocy of an accountant who would not do his job nor seemed to even understand that it was his job to get me a certain form. I had our taxes done in February and was just waiting for this one form which believe it or not, he still hasn't provided but I had to go ahead and file without it and hope for the best. What an ahole! This week I finally got the other contractor to come back and clear out his excess materials and the old toilet that he so nicely left in the garage and it only took 3 phone calls to get taken care of. And I'm running full speed ahead on the kindergarten decision for I. this fall. We did 2 observations at 2 schools and I'm going to call and see if I can get one more at the public school we are on the waiting list for. Plus still trying to get the last bedroom put back together from the demolition. There's still so much to do but at least I've been able to cross some things off the list.
Gotta get to the gym so I have an hour to make the call to my mom to hear the latest news via monologue. This weekend is Easter and my brother and I are trying to take care of some of the things that stress my mom out. It's hard though because she tends to refuse help and then falls apart at the time or right afterwards. I don't want to go eat an Easter meal at their house when my dad is out of work so I want to help bring it over. The worst part is that my sister will be there and I have a growing level of anger about her that has been magnified by the fact that my parents have no money yet they are still supporting her financially and worst of all, she doesn't appreciate it at all. I mean, not even a little. Her attitude is "What about me? I want this, I want that, give it to me now." In a 2 year old, it's annoying. In a 28 year old, it's almost unbearable. I've got to figure out some strategy of how to deal with her on Sunday because right now, I don't even want her to speak to me and I know that's an unrealistic expectation. Though not as unrealistic as you may think, because when she's around my mom, she tends to ignore everyone and monopolizes my mom - attaches herself to her hip and just talks nonstop about nothing just so noone else can get near my mom. Now I really need to get to the gym to work off some of this aggravation in a physical way.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Positive Thinking and Then Not
Why is it that when I am having one of those days, those good days, when I'm feeling hopeful and happy, something ugly has to enter the picture? It didn't wipe out the good thoughts of the day but it did put an angry, yucky taste in my mouth.
Yesterday I was watching I. in her gymnastics class and I was thinking about how after summer, she would not have the luxury of taking these classes in the weekday morning hours. In fact, if her bedtime doesn't shift to later, she won't be taking these classes at all. But I was enjoying the fact that I was able to sit there and watch her enjoy her class and that I've been able to share all these experiences, just her and I, for more than 5 years. We did the Mommy & Me classes, the swim lessons together, all the trips to the Zoo, Sea World, Wild Animal Park and playdates just her and me. I'm really thankful for that and I think that will help the process that will take place when the new baby comes (at least I hope so).
What's also cool, and it goes back to my timing topic, is that now with this next one, I'll be able to do a lot of the same thing, just he/she and I during the weekday morning hours because I. will be in school. Although I'm a great multi-tasker, I know myself well enough to know that I would feel guilty trying to multi-task attention on a daily basis between the two kids. The way the timing has worked out, I'll be able to give the second one the one on one time that I'd like and then when I. comes home, I won't feel guilty about trying to give her as much attention as I want to/am able to. Now I'm not naive, I know it won't be as simple as that. I remember what a baby is like. Just because I. is home and I want to give her attention doesn't mean that it's going to easily happen. But I am confident that I will figure it out and be able to give I. what she needs without neglecting what the baby is going to need.
So that was how I was feeling yesterday - happy, hopeful, confident, excited. And then the phone rang at 5:30. It was my mom sounding like she was on death's door, sicker than a dog. This weekend is when they are going to Las Vegas - I've done a lot of research for them, made a creative, reveal gift out of it, gotten them a gift card, made all the reservations etc., not to mention doing the pet sitting and house sitting. But most of all, they haven't gone on a proper vacation just the two of them for almost 10 years because of that needy, unsocialized dog of theirs. So I was excited for them to go.
My mom was really sick with the flu or something, she had been in bed all day sleeping which was good. She almost called in the morning to tell me to cancel everything, that they couldn't go. But that's not the ugly, stupid part of this whole thing, that's not what made me mad. It was that she was calling me from the car sitting in front of Trader Joe's where my bitch sister was inside buying some groceries (with my parents' money). Un-fucking-believable. I don't need to comment on this further, it speaks for itself.
When I get angry about this constantly reoccurring situation, I just chat what has become my mantra, "Just wait til they're gone because you're gonna be in a world of shit." And it makes me feel better.
Yesterday I was watching I. in her gymnastics class and I was thinking about how after summer, she would not have the luxury of taking these classes in the weekday morning hours. In fact, if her bedtime doesn't shift to later, she won't be taking these classes at all. But I was enjoying the fact that I was able to sit there and watch her enjoy her class and that I've been able to share all these experiences, just her and I, for more than 5 years. We did the Mommy & Me classes, the swim lessons together, all the trips to the Zoo, Sea World, Wild Animal Park and playdates just her and me. I'm really thankful for that and I think that will help the process that will take place when the new baby comes (at least I hope so).
What's also cool, and it goes back to my timing topic, is that now with this next one, I'll be able to do a lot of the same thing, just he/she and I during the weekday morning hours because I. will be in school. Although I'm a great multi-tasker, I know myself well enough to know that I would feel guilty trying to multi-task attention on a daily basis between the two kids. The way the timing has worked out, I'll be able to give the second one the one on one time that I'd like and then when I. comes home, I won't feel guilty about trying to give her as much attention as I want to/am able to. Now I'm not naive, I know it won't be as simple as that. I remember what a baby is like. Just because I. is home and I want to give her attention doesn't mean that it's going to easily happen. But I am confident that I will figure it out and be able to give I. what she needs without neglecting what the baby is going to need.
So that was how I was feeling yesterday - happy, hopeful, confident, excited. And then the phone rang at 5:30. It was my mom sounding like she was on death's door, sicker than a dog. This weekend is when they are going to Las Vegas - I've done a lot of research for them, made a creative, reveal gift out of it, gotten them a gift card, made all the reservations etc., not to mention doing the pet sitting and house sitting. But most of all, they haven't gone on a proper vacation just the two of them for almost 10 years because of that needy, unsocialized dog of theirs. So I was excited for them to go.
My mom was really sick with the flu or something, she had been in bed all day sleeping which was good. She almost called in the morning to tell me to cancel everything, that they couldn't go. But that's not the ugly, stupid part of this whole thing, that's not what made me mad. It was that she was calling me from the car sitting in front of Trader Joe's where my bitch sister was inside buying some groceries (with my parents' money). Un-fucking-believable. I don't need to comment on this further, it speaks for itself.
When I get angry about this constantly reoccurring situation, I just chat what has become my mantra, "Just wait til they're gone because you're gonna be in a world of shit." And it makes me feel better.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Strange Day
The day started off well as I watched I. in her first gymnastics class. She was the only one in her class so she was in constant motion. I felt sorry for her only because I knew she didn't feel 100% but she was running around the whole time without any rest. I was amazed by her balance - it really is something else - and the enthusiasm that she showed throughout the class was great. She really enjoyed herself though I suspect her little sinewy arms will be sore tomorrow.
This afternoon my mom came over to play with I. She got there at 12:30 which was good and I. had a great time playing with her Bubbi. I was feeling pretty lousy at this point with my cold symptoms coming on so I just did 2 quick errands and came home but then did some chores because my mom would get distracted by me and end up frustrating I. My mom had said that she wanted to tell me a few things but when I said we could talk while I. was eating dinner (at 3), she said she had to leave at 2:45. I guess when she said that she wanted to come play with I., she really meant it. I suspect that my sister had demanded my mother to cart her somewhere this afternoon and unless my mother wanted her cell phone ringing every 5 minutes, it behooved her to pick her up on time. Just a guess, but you know I'm usually right.
The only thing she did bring up was the suicide of the only son of a local famous restauranteur and how sad it was. He was in his early 30s, had just had dinner with his parents and then stopped on his drive home to kill himself, leaving a note for them in his car. To those around him, he was attractive, successful, well liked, and driven. To himself, he was losing a battle with depression. I know what he must have felt like and I know that at dinner that night he probably seemed very happy to his parents. But I also know that this "happiness" most likely was because he had made up his mind that tonight was the night. He was going to have a nice dinner with his parents, say his goodbyes, and then all his pain was going to be over. When you are that depressed, making up your mind that you're going to do it, that it's almost over gives you a sense of relief, almost a physical pain relief, that you just have a little more time and the pain will be gone. To a non-depressed person, it's unfathomable but to one who has been there a few times, I get it.
My mother knows I was there. Okay, maybe I didn't tell her about the other times but that was because they really didn't seem to get it the first time I told them after being nagged by the outpatient therapist for weeks. Why bother telling them if it happened again? But still, my parents were told. That being said, it bothered me greatly when my mother says about this suicidal man, "He reminds me of your brother" because of the guy holding in his feelings.
REALLY?! REALLY? Who has been the person leaned upon, depended upon to fix the emotional ills of this family? Who has to be the strong one, the one who won't falter under any conditions, the one who has to rise to every occasion? The one who found and still finds herself without the support of those who depend on her support.
I don't know why I still allow myself to get upset about this? Maybe it's just that I don't feel good anyways and so it feels more than it is. It didn't ruin my day or evening so I think I'll just let it go and move on. But I did want to get it out of my head and off of my chest before heading to bed in hopes that it will not materialize into some stressful dream tonight. Here's to hoping for a cold night, pleasant dreams, deep sleep, and a healthier tomorrow!
This afternoon my mom came over to play with I. She got there at 12:30 which was good and I. had a great time playing with her Bubbi. I was feeling pretty lousy at this point with my cold symptoms coming on so I just did 2 quick errands and came home but then did some chores because my mom would get distracted by me and end up frustrating I. My mom had said that she wanted to tell me a few things but when I said we could talk while I. was eating dinner (at 3), she said she had to leave at 2:45. I guess when she said that she wanted to come play with I., she really meant it. I suspect that my sister had demanded my mother to cart her somewhere this afternoon and unless my mother wanted her cell phone ringing every 5 minutes, it behooved her to pick her up on time. Just a guess, but you know I'm usually right.
The only thing she did bring up was the suicide of the only son of a local famous restauranteur and how sad it was. He was in his early 30s, had just had dinner with his parents and then stopped on his drive home to kill himself, leaving a note for them in his car. To those around him, he was attractive, successful, well liked, and driven. To himself, he was losing a battle with depression. I know what he must have felt like and I know that at dinner that night he probably seemed very happy to his parents. But I also know that this "happiness" most likely was because he had made up his mind that tonight was the night. He was going to have a nice dinner with his parents, say his goodbyes, and then all his pain was going to be over. When you are that depressed, making up your mind that you're going to do it, that it's almost over gives you a sense of relief, almost a physical pain relief, that you just have a little more time and the pain will be gone. To a non-depressed person, it's unfathomable but to one who has been there a few times, I get it.
My mother knows I was there. Okay, maybe I didn't tell her about the other times but that was because they really didn't seem to get it the first time I told them after being nagged by the outpatient therapist for weeks. Why bother telling them if it happened again? But still, my parents were told. That being said, it bothered me greatly when my mother says about this suicidal man, "He reminds me of your brother" because of the guy holding in his feelings.
REALLY?! REALLY? Who has been the person leaned upon, depended upon to fix the emotional ills of this family? Who has to be the strong one, the one who won't falter under any conditions, the one who has to rise to every occasion? The one who found and still finds herself without the support of those who depend on her support.
I don't know why I still allow myself to get upset about this? Maybe it's just that I don't feel good anyways and so it feels more than it is. It didn't ruin my day or evening so I think I'll just let it go and move on. But I did want to get it out of my head and off of my chest before heading to bed in hopes that it will not materialize into some stressful dream tonight. Here's to hoping for a cold night, pleasant dreams, deep sleep, and a healthier tomorrow!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Speaking of a Perfect Storm
Brutal day of mothering so far and it's only 2pm so there's still plenty of more time for fun. The perfect storm began this morning gathering up churning waves, dark clouds, and high winds in our house today and officially hit land at 1:30 this afternoon.
I think I. has been again fighting off a virus for a few days now which does not help improve attitude and really, I have been trying to take that into account. Here's how the perfect storm grew and grew:
I think I. has been again fighting off a virus for a few days now which does not help improve attitude and really, I have been trying to take that into account. Here's how the perfect storm grew and grew:
- When I went to pick her up at the gym, she ignored me and then refused to stand up to walk to the kids' club bathroom (she said she had to go). This is the third day in a row of this crap.
- My shoulder is absolutely killing me even when I'm not moving; a direct result of the last 3 days of I. refusing to stand up to do something and just throwing herself down like deadweight. 24/7 acute pain due to one certain person is a hard thing to keep moving on from.
- When I had a salesperson over here for 20 minutes after lunch, she kept interrupting and whining like a brat.
- She proudly wet her underwear not once but twice already today. Obviously losing television time is not enough consequence for her to stop doing it. Just another area of discipline I feel I'm failing in.
- The straw was when it was time for resttime and she talked back to me in the most snotty fashion and that was it. The straw - the big fat proverbial straw.
And I lost it. Not my finest moment but I grabbed her and yelled that she had to stop talking back to me, that I was sick of it, and I wasn't putting up with it anymore. Like any of that matters to her, I know but after literally 3 weeks of this shit, day in and day out, without a break, you know I'm human. I picked her up, put her in the crib (thank God she's still in that), put her sippy cup of milk and some books in there and told her if she talked to me like that, I wasn't going to give her the milk or read books to her, I didn't want to be around someone who talked like that to me and then I walked out.
To say that she got upset is an understatement. Things were launched out of the crib like it was a foxhole, screaming and much crying ensued but after 5-10 minutes, things quieted down and I hear her turning the pages as she looks through books. Meanwhile, I've taken a shower, made myself an iced coffee, iced my shoulder for a few minutes of pain relief, read a bit in a magazine, and got out a parenting book to find a better tactic for next time when she talks back to me. Which will probably be as soon as I walk into her room...grrrr. The basis of the plan is no emotion and she's going to spend time apart from me in her room. If she is disrespectful towards me, she doesn't get to be around me - bottom line.
The bad part of that plan is that I'm going to have to lug her up 2 flights of stairs because she's not going up there by herself, I know that for a fact. This is not going to be conducive for my shoulder getting better but I'm out of choices being the only one here. I'd willingly sacrifice my shoulder for nipping this disrespect and brattiness in the bud.
I asked my mother if I had a problem with talking back at this age or ever for that matter because I never remember doing it but you know, I had a different perspective. My mother seemed shocked and said that I didn't. That doesn't make me feel better.
Friday, July 23, 2010
You've Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me Part 2
I woke up this morning not feeling too great after a late night, emotional drama, that extra drink, and the knowledge that today is The Day. I was tearing up as I put my pajamas on but pulled it together to get I. up and fed.
I had just sat down for breakfast when the phone rang and I answered it, thinking it was V. calling us back. It wasn't. It was my dad who tells me that his esteemed friend and mentor who he has been working for unceremoniously eliminated his position yesterday and threw him out on the street. Oh yeah, please send the laptop back too while you're at it.
To say that my dad is crushed doesn't even scratch the surface. He is panicked and hurt beyond words. He trusted this guy and worked for pennies because he was promised another position and stock in the company. This is the third time this has happened to him. This is the third time I've gotten one of these phone calls from him. Sobbing his heart out, saying they'll lose the house, he's a 63 year old loser, etc. On today, of all days. He needs my help updating his resume and I need to do it now because I'm leaving on vacation soon. I will be calling him back in an hour to see what edits he needs. I fully anticipate that this will be another emotional phone call. I am worried about him because I think they are probably not in good shape financially and my father has his value as a person defined by what he has been able to provide for his family.
My stomach is in knots, my blood pressure feels like it's sky high, I am light headed. I'm having to seal all this off into a compartment so that I can still function as a full-time mother and this "act" is making me feel like I'm losing my mind. If it wasn't so horrible, it would be ridiculous, utterly and absolutely ridiculous.
I had just sat down for breakfast when the phone rang and I answered it, thinking it was V. calling us back. It wasn't. It was my dad who tells me that his esteemed friend and mentor who he has been working for unceremoniously eliminated his position yesterday and threw him out on the street. Oh yeah, please send the laptop back too while you're at it.
To say that my dad is crushed doesn't even scratch the surface. He is panicked and hurt beyond words. He trusted this guy and worked for pennies because he was promised another position and stock in the company. This is the third time this has happened to him. This is the third time I've gotten one of these phone calls from him. Sobbing his heart out, saying they'll lose the house, he's a 63 year old loser, etc. On today, of all days. He needs my help updating his resume and I need to do it now because I'm leaving on vacation soon. I will be calling him back in an hour to see what edits he needs. I fully anticipate that this will be another emotional phone call. I am worried about him because I think they are probably not in good shape financially and my father has his value as a person defined by what he has been able to provide for his family.
My stomach is in knots, my blood pressure feels like it's sky high, I am light headed. I'm having to seal all this off into a compartment so that I can still function as a full-time mother and this "act" is making me feel like I'm losing my mind. If it wasn't so horrible, it would be ridiculous, utterly and absolutely ridiculous.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
She Gave Our Gift
Disappointment doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. This is the hardest emotion for me to deal with probably because it involves various emotions - sadness, anger, being let down, hurt. I vacillate between wanting to cry and wanting to punch a wall. Neither are really going to make me feel better so I do nothing. Well, not quite nothing because I'm blogging about it. That's really just for my own mental health and to try and get it out of my head so that I don't have nightmares tonight.
Now, to get to the title of the post. The ex told the girls what OUR graduation present was (taking them to Puerto Rico for a week). Let me say that again: THAT BITCH TOLD THE GIRLS WHAT OUR PRESENT WAS. You know, the present that I have spent over 20 hours researching and planning. The one that we were looking forward to giving them to see their excited reaction. It's done. There's no excited reaction to see because SHE saw it. She got the reaction to OUR gift. I went to AAA this week to get printed literature on Puerto Rico so that we could do a drawn out "reveal" of the vacation. Tonight I worked on the rest of it so that V. could see it since they're coming down tomorrow night. And for what, a big fat nothing.
I am full of such anger and hatred towards the ex right now. What a fucking bitch. This one week after we hung out with them for 8 hours, us being personable, nice people and then she turns around and basically fucks us. This is when I wish I still was involved with martial arts so that I could punch and kick something until I felt better, all the while visualizing the offending person's face. But I'm not so I'm just going to have to deal with it. Luckily, I'm going to the gym tomorrow morning so I will have some physical outlet.
Life is too short for this kind of bullshit.
Now, to get to the title of the post. The ex told the girls what OUR graduation present was (taking them to Puerto Rico for a week). Let me say that again: THAT BITCH TOLD THE GIRLS WHAT OUR PRESENT WAS. You know, the present that I have spent over 20 hours researching and planning. The one that we were looking forward to giving them to see their excited reaction. It's done. There's no excited reaction to see because SHE saw it. She got the reaction to OUR gift. I went to AAA this week to get printed literature on Puerto Rico so that we could do a drawn out "reveal" of the vacation. Tonight I worked on the rest of it so that V. could see it since they're coming down tomorrow night. And for what, a big fat nothing.
I am full of such anger and hatred towards the ex right now. What a fucking bitch. This one week after we hung out with them for 8 hours, us being personable, nice people and then she turns around and basically fucks us. This is when I wish I still was involved with martial arts so that I could punch and kick something until I felt better, all the while visualizing the offending person's face. But I'm not so I'm just going to have to deal with it. Luckily, I'm going to the gym tomorrow morning so I will have some physical outlet.
Life is too short for this kind of bullshit.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
It Pisses Me Off
Warning: this is a written temper tantrum. A very necessary one because if I don't get it out, it's going to eat at me and most likely lead to a night filled with nightmares. If you don't want to partake of a tantrum, don't read this.
A little history - V. wanted to take the girls to Puerto Rico for their graduation present. Of course, I was in charge of doing all the research and making all arrangements for this big trip to happen. I did. Not only that, I researched what forms of ID we would all need to successfully make this trip. I told V. over 2 months ago that the girls would need a government ID (they don't have driver's licenses) to travel since they were 18 and I made sure he passed on the info to the ex.
Fast forward to tonight. We are now 28 days away from the trip and V. has reminded the ex about the ID at least a couple of times. Well, she FINALLY went down today with them and found out that it takes at least 6 weeks to get the IDs. Not going to work. So they will have to get expedited passports. Irritation yes. What led me straight to irate is that WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR ONE OF THOSE F*CKING EXPEDITED PASSPORTS.
Now how the f*ck is that fair?! I do everything and provide the necessary info ahead of time and she procrastinates and I STILL have to pay for it. I can't tell you how angry that makes me. When I made a mistake on her f*cking check while V. was in Saudi, I had to pay extra money to correct it. I didn't ask her to pay the money to make my mistake right so why the F*CK do I have to pay hundreds of dollars because she is a f*ckin procrastinator.
I swear to God, when they say being a stepparent is hard, that doesn't even scratch the surface. And it really isn't hard when it comes to the kids themselves. It's hard dealing with the conniving, immature ex and how she has raised those kids. At this point, I swear to God, I would rather hand this $200 to a homeless person on the street that I will never see again. It would be more satisfying I think.
If there was more consistency then I'd be more okay with this constant "gimme, gimmee". For instance, if we are on the hook for half the Xmas and birthday presents, half the prom, graduation, and yearbook costs, and more than half of the monthly costs, why the hell aren't we just on the hook for HALF the graduation present cost? Why doesn't SHE pay for half of this cost?
See, that's what gets me. It's like what's hers is hers and what's ours is hers. I'm over here saving money, working hours at night on the computer for extra money when I'm tired and don't feel like it and for what? To pay for her f*ckups and demands?
Being a stepparent just sucks sometimes. Sandra Bullock, be glad you got out when you did.
A little history - V. wanted to take the girls to Puerto Rico for their graduation present. Of course, I was in charge of doing all the research and making all arrangements for this big trip to happen. I did. Not only that, I researched what forms of ID we would all need to successfully make this trip. I told V. over 2 months ago that the girls would need a government ID (they don't have driver's licenses) to travel since they were 18 and I made sure he passed on the info to the ex.
Fast forward to tonight. We are now 28 days away from the trip and V. has reminded the ex about the ID at least a couple of times. Well, she FINALLY went down today with them and found out that it takes at least 6 weeks to get the IDs. Not going to work. So they will have to get expedited passports. Irritation yes. What led me straight to irate is that WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR ONE OF THOSE F*CKING EXPEDITED PASSPORTS.
Now how the f*ck is that fair?! I do everything and provide the necessary info ahead of time and she procrastinates and I STILL have to pay for it. I can't tell you how angry that makes me. When I made a mistake on her f*cking check while V. was in Saudi, I had to pay extra money to correct it. I didn't ask her to pay the money to make my mistake right so why the F*CK do I have to pay hundreds of dollars because she is a f*ckin procrastinator.
I swear to God, when they say being a stepparent is hard, that doesn't even scratch the surface. And it really isn't hard when it comes to the kids themselves. It's hard dealing with the conniving, immature ex and how she has raised those kids. At this point, I swear to God, I would rather hand this $200 to a homeless person on the street that I will never see again. It would be more satisfying I think.
If there was more consistency then I'd be more okay with this constant "gimme, gimmee". For instance, if we are on the hook for half the Xmas and birthday presents, half the prom, graduation, and yearbook costs, and more than half of the monthly costs, why the hell aren't we just on the hook for HALF the graduation present cost? Why doesn't SHE pay for half of this cost?
See, that's what gets me. It's like what's hers is hers and what's ours is hers. I'm over here saving money, working hours at night on the computer for extra money when I'm tired and don't feel like it and for what? To pay for her f*ckups and demands?
Being a stepparent just sucks sometimes. Sandra Bullock, be glad you got out when you did.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
It's All About Shoes Part Deux
Here's part deux of it's all about the shoes though the two have NO relation to one another except for the fact that there is humor involved.
An ex-employee of mine, 30-something, who is on Facebook, whose wedding I attended in 1998(?) down in Rosarito, posted a picture of these strappy, red, 5-inch heels with some caption to the effect of "check out these sexy heels!".
To which I responded (on her FB page, as a woman to a woman), "those are beautiful f* me shoes". No problem, no big deal, right?
Not right according to her husband. Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist. I was married to an Asian guy, dated a Mexican guy, now married to a Puerto Rican. That being said, I was still surprised to see HIS response on HER Facebook page under my comment that began with "Blah-blah (wife's name) is a happily married woman who doesn't need f* me shoes. I love her the way she is and we're very happy."
Okay, number fucking one: "I was at your wedding moron, I know she's fucking married."
Number two: "I was talking to HER, not you the shadowy psycho husband."
Number three: " If you're that insecure after 10+ years of marriage about a comment that a woman friend makes about a pic of sexy red heels, you obviously need therapy."
Number four: "You've just reinforced my view of Mexican men - hung like mosquitos with the egos of lions."
Been there, done that, and I'll stick with my Puerto Rican ANY DAY ANY TIME! But it's always good to piss someone off without even meaning to do so. That's a good day in my sick mind.
An ex-employee of mine, 30-something, who is on Facebook, whose wedding I attended in 1998(?) down in Rosarito, posted a picture of these strappy, red, 5-inch heels with some caption to the effect of "check out these sexy heels!".
To which I responded (on her FB page, as a woman to a woman), "those are beautiful f* me shoes". No problem, no big deal, right?
Not right according to her husband. Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist. I was married to an Asian guy, dated a Mexican guy, now married to a Puerto Rican. That being said, I was still surprised to see HIS response on HER Facebook page under my comment that began with "Blah-blah (wife's name) is a happily married woman who doesn't need f* me shoes. I love her the way she is and we're very happy."
Okay, number fucking one: "I was at your wedding moron, I know she's fucking married."
Number two: "I was talking to HER, not you the shadowy psycho husband."
Number three: " If you're that insecure after 10+ years of marriage about a comment that a woman friend makes about a pic of sexy red heels, you obviously need therapy."
Number four: "You've just reinforced my view of Mexican men - hung like mosquitos with the egos of lions."
Been there, done that, and I'll stick with my Puerto Rican ANY DAY ANY TIME! But it's always good to piss someone off without even meaning to do so. That's a good day in my sick mind.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Bitch
I had to go through that lovely Hallmark process of picking a birthday for my sister today. I dread this day. The last two years, I've been conveniently in Palm Desert vacationing so I haven't had to deal with this hellish deed. Before you judge me, keep in mind that my soon to be 27 year old sister lives off my parents, has no job, doesn't go to school, and is severely affecting the health of my mother. On top of that, I. gets ripped off because my sister is at my parents' house 10-6 every day so there's no point in us going over there or planning any activities with her inappropriate, obnoxious, controlling behavior going on.
We traipsed to the Hallmark store in search of...well I. was in search of a gift and card. At her age and innocence, it's so much easier. But for me....
There was a card that started with "Every family deserves a member like you..." No not really, unless you're the Manson family.
Another one, "You're not the crazy one in the family". Well, actually you are and then some.
Then there was at least a dozen that started something like, "When we were growing up, I always looked up to you" or "All those wonderful memories of us laughing together, remind me..." Yeah, the only thing your childhood reminds me of is pain, sadness, lying, anger, drugs, sex and the way that you ripped our parents' life apart which left me with no support system when I so desperately needed it. Your selfish actions, which continue to this day, deprived me of what I needed then and continue to deprive me of my parents' and my daughter's grandparents' company. It's ridiculous to me that you spend all day, Monday through Friday, with our parents while I. sees her beloved grandparents once a month for a few hours even though we live 3o minutes away. That is almost a crime. They won't be here forever and you don't give a shit about that so why not let them spend time with the people who do give a shit about that.
The bottom line is that you had better get what you want now because aside from whatever our parents leave you, make no mistake - you will not get anything out of me. I've already told our parents that you're not getting shit from me after they're gone. So enjoy it while you can 'cause it ain't gonna last forever, bitch.
P.S. The card I ended up getting says, "Ever noticed how in every family there's usually one person who's shockingly normal?" The inside says, "We should get ourselves one of those. Happy Birthday." I'm not a cruel person so this sufficed.
We traipsed to the Hallmark store in search of...well I. was in search of a gift and card. At her age and innocence, it's so much easier. But for me....
There was a card that started with "Every family deserves a member like you..." No not really, unless you're the Manson family.
Another one, "You're not the crazy one in the family". Well, actually you are and then some.
Then there was at least a dozen that started something like, "When we were growing up, I always looked up to you" or "All those wonderful memories of us laughing together, remind me..." Yeah, the only thing your childhood reminds me of is pain, sadness, lying, anger, drugs, sex and the way that you ripped our parents' life apart which left me with no support system when I so desperately needed it. Your selfish actions, which continue to this day, deprived me of what I needed then and continue to deprive me of my parents' and my daughter's grandparents' company. It's ridiculous to me that you spend all day, Monday through Friday, with our parents while I. sees her beloved grandparents once a month for a few hours even though we live 3o minutes away. That is almost a crime. They won't be here forever and you don't give a shit about that so why not let them spend time with the people who do give a shit about that.
The bottom line is that you had better get what you want now because aside from whatever our parents leave you, make no mistake - you will not get anything out of me. I've already told our parents that you're not getting shit from me after they're gone. So enjoy it while you can 'cause it ain't gonna last forever, bitch.
P.S. The card I ended up getting says, "Ever noticed how in every family there's usually one person who's shockingly normal?" The inside says, "We should get ourselves one of those. Happy Birthday." I'm not a cruel person so this sufficed.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Part 2 of Culmination
There was actually another part to Friday's culmination of events and it arrived after I finished the post. It was the perfect addition to an already odd day - an email from Mark's dad. Not just any email but an email requesting my opinion and/or insight on the whole Jodi vs. Hettergotts situation. I just had to groan when I read it because it was going to require a very careful response.
I wait until I had a chance to digest it and then I responded as carefully as I could and hopefully it will do. Mark's parents still have not seen Mark's son since he died in July and now the fights are about what can be put on his grave. I mean really it's just so damn ridiculous and it gets me angry all over again towards Jodi. She's just so damn petty and hateful. The cemetary does not allow potted plants on the graves and if they are there, they remove them each week before they mow. Why Jodi had to take it upon herself to send Mark's parents an email stating that potted plants are not allowed and that SHE would be throwing them away herself is beyond me. Does she not have something better to do like raise a child and get on with her life?
This also makes me wish again that Mark had picked a better woman than her. I know she was there during his cancer but now that I really have seen her, part of me wonders if it was really more about her and less about being there for him. That's a thought I really don't want to have but it's there. I just hope that Mark never felt that way about her while he was so sick; I hope he felt her motives were pure and that she was there because she truly cared about him.
I wait until I had a chance to digest it and then I responded as carefully as I could and hopefully it will do. Mark's parents still have not seen Mark's son since he died in July and now the fights are about what can be put on his grave. I mean really it's just so damn ridiculous and it gets me angry all over again towards Jodi. She's just so damn petty and hateful. The cemetary does not allow potted plants on the graves and if they are there, they remove them each week before they mow. Why Jodi had to take it upon herself to send Mark's parents an email stating that potted plants are not allowed and that SHE would be throwing them away herself is beyond me. Does she not have something better to do like raise a child and get on with her life?
This also makes me wish again that Mark had picked a better woman than her. I know she was there during his cancer but now that I really have seen her, part of me wonders if it was really more about her and less about being there for him. That's a thought I really don't want to have but it's there. I just hope that Mark never felt that way about her while he was so sick; I hope he felt her motives were pure and that she was there because she truly cared about him.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Mood Hijacking
You wanna know how you can go from feeling content and happy to annoyed and really bummed out all in one short hour? You call my mom for the weekly check-in phone call and listen to her non-stop hour long monologue filled with meaningless, countless details of stories about my sister and brother. Stories that my mom labels as "funny" when in reality, they are perfect examples of how ill equipped both of them are to independently function in life. Stories that illustrate what happens when you constantly rescue your child from any and all consequences of their poor actions. And she wonders out loud why they don't learn the lessons and stop the behavior. I've only been a mother for 4+ years and even I have figured that one out.
You know, I'm sorry, I just don't find it funny anymore. It's like a broken record and not only am I tired of it, I'm tired of ME paying the consequences. Like not being able to see my parents during the week, during the daytime hours - the only hours I can see them because I HAVE A YOUNG CHILD IN MY HOUSE. They don't, but they act like they do and that is beyond annoying to me.
So I told my mom that the stories weren't funny to me because they were just going to be another thing that was going to be stressing her out down the road because she keeps bailing him out and solving all his problems for him. I could tell she blew me off because she just changed the topic to move on to when was V. going to not be home for the weekend so that we could see each other. Because, as stated before, they can only visit with me and I. on the weekends because of my 26 year old deadbeat loser of a sister. So just as soon as I finally have my hubby back a little, they want to know when he's going to be gone so they can visit. That's beyond stupid and pisses me off.
After an hour that seemed like two, I had to go get I. out of the gym's kid center so I was able to terminate the conversation. Did my mom ask anything about I. or my life? How was our weekend? What did we do as a family? How are things going? Nope, not one fucking thing.
And that's how a mood gets hijacked. Now the hard part is getting it back to where it was before. I'll let you know if I discover any helpful hints on that along the way.
You know, I'm sorry, I just don't find it funny anymore. It's like a broken record and not only am I tired of it, I'm tired of ME paying the consequences. Like not being able to see my parents during the week, during the daytime hours - the only hours I can see them because I HAVE A YOUNG CHILD IN MY HOUSE. They don't, but they act like they do and that is beyond annoying to me.
So I told my mom that the stories weren't funny to me because they were just going to be another thing that was going to be stressing her out down the road because she keeps bailing him out and solving all his problems for him. I could tell she blew me off because she just changed the topic to move on to when was V. going to not be home for the weekend so that we could see each other. Because, as stated before, they can only visit with me and I. on the weekends because of my 26 year old deadbeat loser of a sister. So just as soon as I finally have my hubby back a little, they want to know when he's going to be gone so they can visit. That's beyond stupid and pisses me off.
After an hour that seemed like two, I had to go get I. out of the gym's kid center so I was able to terminate the conversation. Did my mom ask anything about I. or my life? How was our weekend? What did we do as a family? How are things going? Nope, not one fucking thing.
And that's how a mood gets hijacked. Now the hard part is getting it back to where it was before. I'll let you know if I discover any helpful hints on that along the way.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Trying Not To Think Too Much
Thinking too much is never a good thing, at least when it comes to me. Overthinking leads to erroneous conclusions that can only make me feel bad. Knowing that, I am trying to not overthink but it is difficult.
This morning, we finally gave the girls their purses, you know the $200 ones that caused a fight and have been sitting in the bedroom since before Christmas as a constant reminder. Yeah, THOSE purses. It's actually a relief because now I can move on. However, there's a little problem. The problem being that I communicated last week (as I was counseled) that it hurts when V. doesn't make me feel special. I gave the example of how he brought everyone else a gift from Saudi Arabia (even himself) except me. All I got out of Saudi Arabia was a 14 month missing piece of my life and a marriage battered by the experience. It makes me want to get that printed on a shirt to wear around the house but that would be highly passive aggressive so in the best interest of all involved, I'll refrain.
Okay, so with that little backstory from last week and the fact that while in Saudi, V. was able to get online and make sure the purses were ordered, here's the little problem - he didn't get me anything for Christmas. Yes, he sent flowers with a stuffed animal to I. and I at Christmas time and I loved them. In fact, I made those flowers last for 3 weeks and lugged them out and back from Palm Desert. So, it's not that I wasn't grateful for them - I was. It's just that last week, he came back to a bunch of Christmas and birthday presents plus a nice Christmas dinner and this week, the girls got their motherload of gifts (there was more besides the purses). We spent over $500 on their gifts and I sat there last week and this week and got nothing.
I'm struggling with beating myself up for sounding petty, childish, and selfish. But I'm not supposed to do that if the feeling is a normal human and quite valid feeling. So I'm trying to just let myself be but it's hard because if I just let myself "be", I'm quite hurt and angry. I don't want to feel this way and I thought by going out on the limb and expressing my feelings along with a good example last week, this situation would have been avoided.
Being a mother, especially of a small child, is by nature a selfless job. It's her needs first all the time and especially when V. has been gone for over a year, my needs are not even on the radar. At some point though, enough is enough. I just don't really know exactly what to do about this. I mean, I already brought this topic up last week and nothing changed. What's the point of bringing it up again? You know what they say about insanity - it's doing the same thing over and over again and being surprised when the results aren't different. I guess that makes me insane because I really did expect the results would be different this time. My bad...
This morning, we finally gave the girls their purses, you know the $200 ones that caused a fight and have been sitting in the bedroom since before Christmas as a constant reminder. Yeah, THOSE purses. It's actually a relief because now I can move on. However, there's a little problem. The problem being that I communicated last week (as I was counseled) that it hurts when V. doesn't make me feel special. I gave the example of how he brought everyone else a gift from Saudi Arabia (even himself) except me. All I got out of Saudi Arabia was a 14 month missing piece of my life and a marriage battered by the experience. It makes me want to get that printed on a shirt to wear around the house but that would be highly passive aggressive so in the best interest of all involved, I'll refrain.
Okay, so with that little backstory from last week and the fact that while in Saudi, V. was able to get online and make sure the purses were ordered, here's the little problem - he didn't get me anything for Christmas. Yes, he sent flowers with a stuffed animal to I. and I at Christmas time and I loved them. In fact, I made those flowers last for 3 weeks and lugged them out and back from Palm Desert. So, it's not that I wasn't grateful for them - I was. It's just that last week, he came back to a bunch of Christmas and birthday presents plus a nice Christmas dinner and this week, the girls got their motherload of gifts (there was more besides the purses). We spent over $500 on their gifts and I sat there last week and this week and got nothing.
I'm struggling with beating myself up for sounding petty, childish, and selfish. But I'm not supposed to do that if the feeling is a normal human and quite valid feeling. So I'm trying to just let myself be but it's hard because if I just let myself "be", I'm quite hurt and angry. I don't want to feel this way and I thought by going out on the limb and expressing my feelings along with a good example last week, this situation would have been avoided.
Being a mother, especially of a small child, is by nature a selfless job. It's her needs first all the time and especially when V. has been gone for over a year, my needs are not even on the radar. At some point though, enough is enough. I just don't really know exactly what to do about this. I mean, I already brought this topic up last week and nothing changed. What's the point of bringing it up again? You know what they say about insanity - it's doing the same thing over and over again and being surprised when the results aren't different. I guess that makes me insane because I really did expect the results would be different this time. My bad...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It Just Gets Weirder
V. told me last week when he got home that he would have to go into work one day a week during this time off. Since I. had speech therapy in the morning and we could get the grocery shopping out of the way too, I suggested that today would be the best day for V. to go into work. With everything that has been going on, it would give me a chance to get some breathing room and a break from the emotional onslaught.
He drove up to LA at 4am this morning saying he needed to have access to a scanner to send all his receipts - okay. He said he would be back by 6pm for dinner - okay. But here comes the weird part, at least for me. While I was taking I. to speech therapy, going grocery shopping, making meals, and playing with I. after her resttime, it turns out that after working in the morning, V. took off to his favorite Mexican place for lunch and then went to the movies by himself before coming home.
When he came home as I was fixing dinner and announced this, I have to say I was thrown off and not thrilled. I don't want to begrudge him this pleasure but part of me was pissed off. Pissed off because one, I feel like this is just another example of him trying to live life as an Individual rather than part of this Family; two, because I'm still raising our child without any freedom, break, emotional support, or escape; and three, because he was just able to pull it off without major consult with me, my parents, a babysitter, or his ex-wife which is about what it takes me to pull off any sort of escape. It must be fucking nice to be able to have a wife for sex, a kid for family and still have the freedom to be able to basically do what you want if you really want to.
I made a few comments and then tried to shut up. V. had made the comment yesterday when I was telling him how crappy he was acting that I "needed a massage" so I had decided to take him up on that. I called tonight to find out what appts. my favorite therapist had available (haven't seen her in over a year) and was going to ask V. if one of the days and times would work for him. Well, after hearing his day's fun, I said, "I WAS going to ask you if this day and time would be okay but since we're living as individuals, I'm TELLING you that I'm going to have a massage on this day and time and you'll need to take care of I."
It just sucks. You think maybe I might have wanted to see that 2 hr. 45 min. movie? Why am I only planning for things for the two of us to do when he's obviously able to piece together a fun date? Has he ever planned a date since we've been married? No. I think I've made things way too easy for him, always thinking he's working so hard for us so I should go out of my way to make things easy and special for him. I'm thinking that needs to change. I'm beginning to realize that he's a hard worker by nature - he's not working hard to provide for us but just because that's how he is. He needs to make more of an effort toward us not toward himself and his nature.
On the plus side, he was trying to make an effort at talking tonight when he got home. Unfortunately, I was trying to bite my tongue from sarcastic comments about his enjoyable afternoon to himself that I could not bring myself to compliment him on his effort. While he had a delicious, relaxing meal by himself and then enjoyed a long movie, I was wiping shit, dealing with a tantrum, having to answer endless questions, finalize tax returns, scan various 1099's to email to the tax man, make dinner, feed, bathe and bed a child. And according to him, I shouldn't feel angry, jealous, or upset that he was able to up and do whatever it was that he wanted to.
I've come to the conclusion that being the mother in this house is easily the hardest, most selfless and often shitty job. I've also decided that I need to demand in specific ways that V. steps up his efforts in this marriage because right now, he's just not cutting it.
He drove up to LA at 4am this morning saying he needed to have access to a scanner to send all his receipts - okay. He said he would be back by 6pm for dinner - okay. But here comes the weird part, at least for me. While I was taking I. to speech therapy, going grocery shopping, making meals, and playing with I. after her resttime, it turns out that after working in the morning, V. took off to his favorite Mexican place for lunch and then went to the movies by himself before coming home.
When he came home as I was fixing dinner and announced this, I have to say I was thrown off and not thrilled. I don't want to begrudge him this pleasure but part of me was pissed off. Pissed off because one, I feel like this is just another example of him trying to live life as an Individual rather than part of this Family; two, because I'm still raising our child without any freedom, break, emotional support, or escape; and three, because he was just able to pull it off without major consult with me, my parents, a babysitter, or his ex-wife which is about what it takes me to pull off any sort of escape. It must be fucking nice to be able to have a wife for sex, a kid for family and still have the freedom to be able to basically do what you want if you really want to.
I made a few comments and then tried to shut up. V. had made the comment yesterday when I was telling him how crappy he was acting that I "needed a massage" so I had decided to take him up on that. I called tonight to find out what appts. my favorite therapist had available (haven't seen her in over a year) and was going to ask V. if one of the days and times would work for him. Well, after hearing his day's fun, I said, "I WAS going to ask you if this day and time would be okay but since we're living as individuals, I'm TELLING you that I'm going to have a massage on this day and time and you'll need to take care of I."
It just sucks. You think maybe I might have wanted to see that 2 hr. 45 min. movie? Why am I only planning for things for the two of us to do when he's obviously able to piece together a fun date? Has he ever planned a date since we've been married? No. I think I've made things way too easy for him, always thinking he's working so hard for us so I should go out of my way to make things easy and special for him. I'm thinking that needs to change. I'm beginning to realize that he's a hard worker by nature - he's not working hard to provide for us but just because that's how he is. He needs to make more of an effort toward us not toward himself and his nature.
On the plus side, he was trying to make an effort at talking tonight when he got home. Unfortunately, I was trying to bite my tongue from sarcastic comments about his enjoyable afternoon to himself that I could not bring myself to compliment him on his effort. While he had a delicious, relaxing meal by himself and then enjoyed a long movie, I was wiping shit, dealing with a tantrum, having to answer endless questions, finalize tax returns, scan various 1099's to email to the tax man, make dinner, feed, bathe and bed a child. And according to him, I shouldn't feel angry, jealous, or upset that he was able to up and do whatever it was that he wanted to.
I've come to the conclusion that being the mother in this house is easily the hardest, most selfless and often shitty job. I've also decided that I need to demand in specific ways that V. steps up his efforts in this marriage because right now, he's just not cutting it.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Good and the Not So Good
I haven't posted for awhile because I've been sick and just had nothing left after a full day with I. Anyways, I'll start with the good. I. and I had a fun time making a gingerbread house with friends earlier this week. The kids played so well together that we were able to sit down and have a conversation that actually made sense - what a treat!
Yesterday I had a nice lunch with Terry and it was nice to sit down just the two of us and talk about whatever came to mind. It's always fun and easy with him. Today, I. and I went to the Helen Woodward Center to learn about and visit with dogs which we both enjoyed very much. Then, stopped off for a piece of pizza for lunch before going to preschool. Today was Baby Jesus' Birthday Party and I volunteered to help for the day, much to I.'s delight. It was a lot of fun hanging out with a bunch of excited 4 year olds for the afternoon but tiring as well. I. loved having me there so that made the experience even better - it's nice when you're kid is proud to show you off happily to her friends!
Now the not so good. Off and on last week and the week prior, I was suffering through the hassle and irritation of the "check debacle" as I call it. Without going through all the gory details, the bottom line is that due to a couple of issues, the ex's check was late and instead of contacting ME the person who has the checkbook and access to the post office, she keeps calling V., who is 8300 miles away, stressed out, and working 7 days a week 14 hours a day. To me, that just screams,"I don't give a shit about you, it's all about me. Where's my money?!!" What a bitch. Finally got that resolved late last week and had major irritation #2 handed to me this morning in the form of this exchange:
V.: "There's going to be some Juicy Couture boxes delivered to the house."
A.: "Oh really?"
V.: "Yeah, they're the other part of the girls' Xmas presents."
A.: "So, she called you again just to tell you what we were to buy them?"
V.: "This is why I just took care of it myself instead of telling you."
A." "You know, it feels again like you guys are the family and it's just I. and I over here on the sidelines. She calls you up to tell you what your girls want for Xmas and even though getting all the Xmas gifts is my job, you and her just talk it over and you go and do it without involving me at all. I guess I'm just here on my own."
Of course, he declared that ridiculous but you know, this just goes along with the "I'm taking the girls to Puerto Rico" bullshit. This is what I HATE the most about being apart for this past year - he's totally reverting back to the single man state of mind that he was in before we got together. Or as I call it "it's not all about you" attitude that he's been copping during the short times he has been home. It's like I have to break him out of it but by the time I do, he's gone again. I AM SO TIRED AND FRUSTRATED OVER THIS!
Keep in mind, they're not going to get these presents until practically February when V. comes home. Regardless, they had to be ordered and delivered now. Which brings me to a related topic that has really been making me sad, to the point of tearing up, all day. It may sound immature, childish, or even selfish but so be it - I'm still going to say it anyways. I really don't think V. is going to send me anything for Christmas and that makes me cry. I wasn't expecting anything and would have been fine, but now that he made sure to immediately do what the ex said and get gifts delivered for the girls ASAP, well that changes everything.
I'm not going to say anything because I don't want him to send me anything unless he thinks of it and wants to. If he does nothing for Christmas, that says to me that I'm not special enough to him to make an effort to communicate to me somehow that he loves, cares about, and misses me. Bottom line, he just doesn't care enough to try to do something nice for me for Christmas. If this all comes to pass, it's just going to make Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ten times harder and just adds another time this year where he had the opportunity to step up to the plate and just didn't fucking feel like it no matter how that made me feel. Keep in mind, that I did tell him that I asked my mom to take I. shopping to buy me something because I would feel really bad if there was nothing at all under the tree on Christmas morning for me. I made it clear how sad that would make me so he was put on notice.
So after that rant, what have I/did I do to try to make his Christmas special? Keep in mind, there was very little space in his suitcase and I can count on 2 fingers places that will deliver something other than flowers to Riyadh. But here it goes...I made an advent baggie for him that has a loving thought for every day thru Jan. 1st and put it in his suitcase; I had all 3 girls make him Xmas cards and included one from me too plus some pics, put them all in a Xmas sack for Xmas morning (suitcase); and I spent literally hours finding a place to send awesome French chocolates on Xmas Eve to his office in Riyadh. I didn't want to send a cake because he'll probably be there for his bday next month so I wanted something different and I was really excited when I found this place online (of course). I'll end this post now since we're back up on a positive note.
Yesterday I had a nice lunch with Terry and it was nice to sit down just the two of us and talk about whatever came to mind. It's always fun and easy with him. Today, I. and I went to the Helen Woodward Center to learn about and visit with dogs which we both enjoyed very much. Then, stopped off for a piece of pizza for lunch before going to preschool. Today was Baby Jesus' Birthday Party and I volunteered to help for the day, much to I.'s delight. It was a lot of fun hanging out with a bunch of excited 4 year olds for the afternoon but tiring as well. I. loved having me there so that made the experience even better - it's nice when you're kid is proud to show you off happily to her friends!
Now the not so good. Off and on last week and the week prior, I was suffering through the hassle and irritation of the "check debacle" as I call it. Without going through all the gory details, the bottom line is that due to a couple of issues, the ex's check was late and instead of contacting ME the person who has the checkbook and access to the post office, she keeps calling V., who is 8300 miles away, stressed out, and working 7 days a week 14 hours a day. To me, that just screams,"I don't give a shit about you, it's all about me. Where's my money?!!" What a bitch. Finally got that resolved late last week and had major irritation #2 handed to me this morning in the form of this exchange:
V.: "There's going to be some Juicy Couture boxes delivered to the house."
A.: "Oh really?"
V.: "Yeah, they're the other part of the girls' Xmas presents."
A.: "So, she called you again just to tell you what we were to buy them?"
V.: "This is why I just took care of it myself instead of telling you."
A." "You know, it feels again like you guys are the family and it's just I. and I over here on the sidelines. She calls you up to tell you what your girls want for Xmas and even though getting all the Xmas gifts is my job, you and her just talk it over and you go and do it without involving me at all. I guess I'm just here on my own."
Of course, he declared that ridiculous but you know, this just goes along with the "I'm taking the girls to Puerto Rico" bullshit. This is what I HATE the most about being apart for this past year - he's totally reverting back to the single man state of mind that he was in before we got together. Or as I call it "it's not all about you" attitude that he's been copping during the short times he has been home. It's like I have to break him out of it but by the time I do, he's gone again. I AM SO TIRED AND FRUSTRATED OVER THIS!
Keep in mind, they're not going to get these presents until practically February when V. comes home. Regardless, they had to be ordered and delivered now. Which brings me to a related topic that has really been making me sad, to the point of tearing up, all day. It may sound immature, childish, or even selfish but so be it - I'm still going to say it anyways. I really don't think V. is going to send me anything for Christmas and that makes me cry. I wasn't expecting anything and would have been fine, but now that he made sure to immediately do what the ex said and get gifts delivered for the girls ASAP, well that changes everything.
I'm not going to say anything because I don't want him to send me anything unless he thinks of it and wants to. If he does nothing for Christmas, that says to me that I'm not special enough to him to make an effort to communicate to me somehow that he loves, cares about, and misses me. Bottom line, he just doesn't care enough to try to do something nice for me for Christmas. If this all comes to pass, it's just going to make Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ten times harder and just adds another time this year where he had the opportunity to step up to the plate and just didn't fucking feel like it no matter how that made me feel. Keep in mind, that I did tell him that I asked my mom to take I. shopping to buy me something because I would feel really bad if there was nothing at all under the tree on Christmas morning for me. I made it clear how sad that would make me so he was put on notice.
So after that rant, what have I/did I do to try to make his Christmas special? Keep in mind, there was very little space in his suitcase and I can count on 2 fingers places that will deliver something other than flowers to Riyadh. But here it goes...I made an advent baggie for him that has a loving thought for every day thru Jan. 1st and put it in his suitcase; I had all 3 girls make him Xmas cards and included one from me too plus some pics, put them all in a Xmas sack for Xmas morning (suitcase); and I spent literally hours finding a place to send awesome French chocolates on Xmas Eve to his office in Riyadh. I didn't want to send a cake because he'll probably be there for his bday next month so I wanted something different and I was really excited when I found this place online (of course). I'll end this post now since we're back up on a positive note.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Last Night Sucked
As this post's title states, last night sucked. V. called and I told him again that he needed to find out if the girls were going to Idyllwild with us between Christmas and New Year's because the accomodations seemed to be limited for 3 bedrooms so I didn't want to wait too long. Mind you, this is probably the third time I've brought this up in the last 6 weeks.
After a moment of silence, V. drops the bomb on me. "I may not be home then." Huh, what?! This is the first I've heard of this. Last year even though he was in Saudi and missed Christmas, he was able to make it for this but this year, uh not looking good. So we have 2 WHOLE weeks as a family a year and you're telling me that after being gone 95% of the year, we're not going to be able to go away for that second week? I so look forward to this - I already bought snowboots for I. (V. knew this) and talk all year about taking walks in the cold air with the smell of wood burning fireplaces burning and the silence of the forest. But this year, it looks like V. may not be here for Christmas (or Thanksgiving for that matter) or New Year's. And if he is, it'll be too late to schedule the damn trip. And as for planning my 40th birthday trip, that's not looking too hopeful either.
I'm tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of: being alone; having too little adult fun; not being able to plan anything ahead of time; not having anything to really look forward to; watching the best years of my life pass by (not as a mother but as a wife and woman); feeling like my life is on hold; being stuck in the house from 3pm on (since the time change); living life as a single mom with an albeit kickass alimony; and my strong, close, loving marriage taking hits for several years now. It makes me sad, stressed, upset, angry, and worried.
To add to last night's angst: as a reward for posting an online review of our Vegas trip, the website gave me a free 8x8 photo album on Shutterfly. I thought for a couple of weeks what I wanted to use it for and a few nights ago, it just hit me upside the head - an album of Mark. Of course, I didn't have very many photos of him healthy since we all think in our 30s we'll live forever so why take the time to take pictures? So, putting together this album was hard on me. Organizing the photos and visually seeing Mark's physical demise as his inner beauty shone forth was heartwrenching and brought many painful emotions to the surface. Thank God I finished the book and I'm looking forward to seeing and cherishing the finished project. It'll be worth the pain, I just know it.
So that was my night yesterday, a rough one and a late one. Tonight is looking better so far. I was able to have lunch with a friend of mine while I. was at preschool and it was a really nice hour. I have hope that I won't have the emotional hangover tomorrow morning that I had today.
After a moment of silence, V. drops the bomb on me. "I may not be home then." Huh, what?! This is the first I've heard of this. Last year even though he was in Saudi and missed Christmas, he was able to make it for this but this year, uh not looking good. So we have 2 WHOLE weeks as a family a year and you're telling me that after being gone 95% of the year, we're not going to be able to go away for that second week? I so look forward to this - I already bought snowboots for I. (V. knew this) and talk all year about taking walks in the cold air with the smell of wood burning fireplaces burning and the silence of the forest. But this year, it looks like V. may not be here for Christmas (or Thanksgiving for that matter) or New Year's. And if he is, it'll be too late to schedule the damn trip. And as for planning my 40th birthday trip, that's not looking too hopeful either.
I'm tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of: being alone; having too little adult fun; not being able to plan anything ahead of time; not having anything to really look forward to; watching the best years of my life pass by (not as a mother but as a wife and woman); feeling like my life is on hold; being stuck in the house from 3pm on (since the time change); living life as a single mom with an albeit kickass alimony; and my strong, close, loving marriage taking hits for several years now. It makes me sad, stressed, upset, angry, and worried.
To add to last night's angst: as a reward for posting an online review of our Vegas trip, the website gave me a free 8x8 photo album on Shutterfly. I thought for a couple of weeks what I wanted to use it for and a few nights ago, it just hit me upside the head - an album of Mark. Of course, I didn't have very many photos of him healthy since we all think in our 30s we'll live forever so why take the time to take pictures? So, putting together this album was hard on me. Organizing the photos and visually seeing Mark's physical demise as his inner beauty shone forth was heartwrenching and brought many painful emotions to the surface. Thank God I finished the book and I'm looking forward to seeing and cherishing the finished project. It'll be worth the pain, I just know it.
So that was my night yesterday, a rough one and a late one. Tonight is looking better so far. I was able to have lunch with a friend of mine while I. was at preschool and it was a really nice hour. I have hope that I won't have the emotional hangover tomorrow morning that I had today.
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