Better Settled

Where has the month gone?  The last few weeks have been so jam packed with this and that that they literally flew by.  I. finished her school year off fantastically and impressed all (and her momma to tears) with her perseverance and refusal to give up.  It was nice to see the positive side of that character trait instead of experiencing the challenging side of it raising her. 

V. and I snuck in a daytime movie before the follow up mammogram/ultrasound and thankfully, not only did the impromptu daytime date turn out nicely so did the testing.  All clear!

My back is doing great after my three shock wave therapy treatments and I'm so happy about that.  I had about two weeks of respite from any migraines and finger bumps but they have returned this past week.  Almost every day I get a migraine though a minor one compared to the old days but still enough to sometimes need to take medication for it.  It's accompanied by swollen glands, a drippy nose and just feeling run down.  Frustrating and trying to figure out the next step to stop it.

D. is amazing just like his sister.  He's memorized an entire book...Little Blue Truck Leads the Way.  It's not a short book and has a lot of verses but he can say them just by looking at the pictures.  His vocabulary and pronunciation is great for his age (especially a boy from what I see) and I think it's because of his learning style.  Every time he asks something and I answer or even if I just answer, he's always recited back exactly what I've said word for word, slowly like he's really digesting it.  Obviously he has been digesting it because he's not even three yet and today he said, "I saw the engine of a car because it was open.  I've never seen the engine of a car before."  I can tell that he's not only going to be a smart kid, he's going to be a feeling kid and wear his feelings on his sleeve.  The good thing is that he allows me to comfort him with snuggling, talking, and singing and that helps him get through it and back to his happy self.  This is still a struggle with I. and it's hard for me not to take it personally or harden my heart when I go to her to hug her and she pushes me away and says no.

More stuff to post about but need to head to bed now.

Quick Update

After going to bed pissed off and waking up wondering what the heck the day would bring, my phone rang at 8:45 and it was our realtor telling us we got the house.  I'm excited but still holding my breath because we still have the appraisal hurdle for the house we are selling.  At the earliest we may get the report tomorrow.  If not, then Monday.  Regardless, we are forging ahead with our home inspection of our purchase Saturday morning.  I'll take the kiddos with me once the now sick D. wakes up from morning nap and Sunday my parents are going to come over to go see our new home with me and the kiddos.  Even though it is in move in ready condition, there are still things that have to be done and coordinated and measured, ie. window coverings before we move in, hopefully a month from now. 

My head is swirling and I am really trying to organize things but it's difficult.  I was supposed to go to dinner with a momma friend tonight but the sitter cancelled at 3pm and with V. being gone for 2 weeks, I'm stuck.  Really sucks because I could have used some fun and relaxation with all this that is going on. 

Fingers crossed for the appraisal report and acceptance.

On the family front, D. is sick with a cold but we went to the zoo for a short time today anyways for distraction.  I. got put in the doghouse for her attitude and behavior - still struggling to navigate her.

Busy

Time is flying by and I know before I realize it, the baby will be here and I'll be thinking to myself, "Oh shit, how'd this happen?!" Things have just been so busy and I swear the most frustrating thing for the last couple of weeks has been that I will attempt to write a short post in the morning unsuccessfully. Unsuccessfully because I. still has not been able to get tv, video game or coloring privileges back for more than one day for the past 3 weeks due to peeing in her underwear. When I took her in for her 5.5 year old checkup, the doctor said that we need to ratchet up the consequence of this behavior since my 3 day deprivation was obviously not working. So it went up to 7 days - she needs to be dry for a week then she gets one thing back at a time. Well, that has resulted in one day of tv privileges (1 hr.) and then she peed and lost it all over again.

It sounds like a good thing that she isn't watching any tv and it is in a way. But in another way it is a huge pain in the ass for me because she then thinks that my purpose in the morning is to be here entertainer/playperson. She'll play with something for a little while but inevitably it turns into "Look at me." every 5 seconds or when I'm eating breakfast, she'll install herself with her toy of choice right on the corner of table next to me, crowding me and requesting my attention. It's just enough to drive me over the edge some mornings. I think some of my frustration is that I was an only child for a long time and I played by myself for long stretches of time because my mom had stuff she had to get done in the morning. I didn't hang on my mom driving her nuts every morning. I guess maybe the baby will help with that? I surely hope so.

We got our new couches yesterday which hopefully will help relieve some back pain and they do look nice so I can cross that off my nesting list. The taxes were completed on Sunday night at 10pm due to the idiocy of an accountant who would not do his job nor seemed to even understand that it was his job to get me a certain form. I had our taxes done in February and was just waiting for this one form which believe it or not, he still hasn't provided but I had to go ahead and file without it and hope for the best. What an ahole! This week I finally got the other contractor to come back and clear out his excess materials and the old toilet that he so nicely left in the garage and it only took 3 phone calls to get taken care of. And I'm running full speed ahead on the kindergarten decision for I. this fall. We did 2 observations at 2 schools and I'm going to call and see if I can get one more at the public school we are on the waiting list for. Plus still trying to get the last bedroom put back together from the demolition. There's still so much to do but at least I've been able to cross some things off the list.

Gotta get to the gym so I have an hour to make the call to my mom to hear the latest news via monologue. This weekend is Easter and my brother and I are trying to take care of some of the things that stress my mom out. It's hard though because she tends to refuse help and then falls apart at the time or right afterwards. I don't want to go eat an Easter meal at their house when my dad is out of work so I want to help bring it over. The worst part is that my sister will be there and I have a growing level of anger about her that has been magnified by the fact that my parents have no money yet they are still supporting her financially and worst of all, she doesn't appreciate it at all. I mean, not even a little. Her attitude is "What about me? I want this, I want that, give it to me now." In a 2 year old, it's annoying. In a 28 year old, it's almost unbearable. I've got to figure out some strategy of how to deal with her on Sunday because right now, I don't even want her to speak to me and I know that's an unrealistic expectation. Though not as unrealistic as you may think, because when she's around my mom, she tends to ignore everyone and monopolizes my mom - attaches herself to her hip and just talks nonstop about nothing just so noone else can get near my mom. Now I really need to get to the gym to work off some of this aggravation in a physical way.

Firsts

THEY ARE FINISHED!!!

This morning was the first morning in awhile that I didn't have to anticipate workers arriving at my house whenever they felt like, letting themselves in the house with the key in the lockbox. The first thing I did last night after they left was to go take the front door key out of the lockbox so now if someone wants to come into my house, they'll have to break in because I'll be hibernating for quite awhile. Another first last night - after I made my once a night traverse to the toilet (I'm relishing it because in a couple of months, it'll be three times a night), I didn't lie awake for an hour with racing worries and thoughts, a symptom of the chaos that has been surrounding me for the past month and a half. Now don't get me wrong - the work is not done. THEIR work is done and now mine starts. The fun part of putting everything back in the drawers, rooms, and closets begins as well as deciding what gets hung back up on the wall and where. But that's all doable and can be done in chunks of time. Not only that, it's something that I can spend an hour on and see a noticeable difference which makes a big difference in my daily life. It's all about the little things.

New Developments

We had another ultrasound for a few more "tests" and we passed with flying colors. I signed the decline form for the amnio so everyone should now leave me alone about that subject.

Here's a sweet pic of our little one. It's hard to see but that shadow in the background is its' hand and it's sucking its thumb. What's It started face down but decided to flip over and see what was going on. V. was there this time to see so it was extra special.




Then the tech said, "Do you want to know what it is because I think I'll be able to tell pretty soon." We said yes and prepared ourselves for a not so surprising, but still very happy, disclosure that we were indeed having another girl. Then she got this arrow going on the screen and pointed at something and said, "Do you see this?" Holy smoly, it looked like a penis. I thought we're either having a very scary girl or that is a boy. Well, thank God, it's not a scary girl. We ARE having a boy!

I still can't believe it and even though I would have been thrilled with another girl, this does add another dimension to this pregnancy. The first pregnancy was special because it was my first pregnancy. Even though this pregnancy is a miracle and the wonder of it all is with me daily, I know what to expect and so some of the mystery isn't there. But now that mystery facet is back because it's a boy. I. is happy and looking forward to wrestling with her little brother once he's old enough - that's kind of how I sold it to her and it worked. Of course, it helps that her place as my baby girl is now permanently hers with no sharing involved. Each night during prayers, she thanks God for our baby and it makes my heart so happy. Though V. won't admit it, he's excited about it too.

I was just sitting here quietly with the television paused and I think I just felt the baby move for the first time. I'm going to be 18 weeks in just a few days so it is very possible. I wasn't even thinking about it when I swear, it felt like I got bumped from the inside on my lower left side. I didn't feel it again but it was significant and different enough to grab my attention so I'm thinking it may have been the first feel. If I feel something similar again in the next couple of days, I'll know I was right.

We are so lucky. I am so lucky. To think that 10 years ago, I was so miserable that I no longer wanted to live and now I have a little guy growing inside of me with a beautiful, kindhearted little girl waiting happily to join our family, and a loyal, hardworking husband with whom I still have a good, playful friendship as well as a strong, loving marriage. I'm glad I made it.

Did I See It?

Yes, I did see that little heart fluttering at top speed. I saw the shape of the baby and to my surprise, it looked more like a baby than the guppy I was expecting. Keep in mind, most ultrasounds are done later in a pregnancy - the baby is barely 8 weeks old. Even so, it had already unfurled its little body so the head shape was evident with its little body curling out from its neck.

Doctor says this is good news despite the little spotting here and there and that the baby is measuring exactly as it should. Of course, after he says this he moves on to all the genetic counselling he recommends, including an ultrasound because you know I am 40 and somehow that means that all hell has a high chance of occurring. At least that's how they make you feel. I wonder if this is how they treat all the 40+ actresses having babies. Somehow I don't think so.

Anyways, I'm leaning towards the non-invasive tests (blood, ultrasounds, etc.) that will give me what the doctor says will be 95% of the information. These tests have to be done at certain times in pregnancy so I've got to figure out what and when and get them scheduled. Of course, this is after I call the insurance company to figure out what they will cover and what they will balk at. Just add that to the other phonecalls I have to make to the auto insurance companies about the aftermath of getting hit.

Was I happy? Yes, I was. After feeling so lousy, it felt good to see a good and rational reason why. It helps get through the rest of the tired days. Hopefully that should only be 4 more weeks. Am I still feeling overwhelmed by the future? Yes, I am. But hopefully that will lessen in the future. For now, everything is okay.

Great News, Bad News

The great news is that Cat came through everything with flying colors. Everyone was raving about how he is the most beautiful and healthy 16 year old cat they've ever seen. When I picked him up, he looked like he'd been through the war and after a $1000 bill, I feel like our finances just went through the war. Now for the next 10 days, twice a day, I get the pleasure of wrestling him down and giving liquid medicine to him. I've only done it once so far and it wasn't fun. I never knew a cat could wiggle backwards out of such a small spot. I'll remember that for tonight's wrestling match. The medicine is hopefully going to help him stop pooping on the carpet so I have a BIG incentive to get it down his throat. Somehow I managed to keep a straight face and not visibly gag when the vet told me that one of his anal glands was very full and that they expressed it. Sorry if you're eating while reading that.

The bad news is that my mom has been incapacitated with back pain to the point that she had to go in yesterday and get nerve block shots down both legs. Between the pain and the anticipation of the painful shots, her blood pressure shot to the moon which is another big problem she's developed in the last 6-12 months. All this because of the daily stress of having my sister over there and my mom not able to deal effectively with it. Is it any wonder that I'm pissed off at my sister? I know, it's up to my mom to put the boundaries down but she didn't do that with her psycho mom for the first half of her life so why do I expect her to do that with her own daughter for the last half of her life? Unfortunately, my head understands it but my anger still grows. So it's off to the gym to take care of myself and get the stress out. However, I do have to call my mom to check on her while I'm on the treadmill so I won't get all the stress out. The good thing is that today I'm having lunch with a close guy friend with whom I can just let it all hang out and I'm looking forward to that. We always have a good time so any residual crap hanging around from the phone call should get taken care of with the lunch.

Whew!

Before I get to the reason my post is titled "Whew!", I wanted to give an update to yesterday's post since things weren't sounding very peachy in the morning. After we all went to the gym, V. and I discussed the things that needed to be done in the afternoon, namely getting the refrigerator and picking up some odds and ends at the grocery store. V. came up with him taking I. to the store while I took care of the refrigerator which I appreciated. Thank goodness that's how we did things because the refrigerator turned into this 1.5 hour long torturous process but ended successfully, at least I hope so. Until it gets delivered next Monday and I can send in the rebate form knowing that the money is still available, I won't breathe easily. But I am excited I have to admit.

It is funny though because after thinking about it, this is like chapter 3 in the book of "My Life Since Becoming a Mother". Chapter 2 was needing another bedroom and moving into a 3 bedroom home. Chapter 2 was having to get rid of my sporty little race car for a SUV when I could no longer wildly swing the detachable car seat into that small backseat. Now, Chapter 3 is that I need a bigger refrigerator. It's something I've been saying for almost 2 years but a week from today, I will get my Married With Kids refrigerator. Who knows what Chapter 4 holds?

The "Whew" part is that today I had an eye appointment. I haven't had an eye exam since I had Lasik surgery 10 years ago. Not very smart I know but I kept thinking, "I can still see perfectly so why should I go?" Well, in the last 2 months, my vision seems fine except that when I've been reading, a certain part of the page out of my left eye looks kind of filmy. It's been driving me nuts and then started worrying me. I mentioned this to V. a couple of nights ago and he pops off with some comment that I must be getting cataracts. WTF?! What am I, 80 years old? But then I remembered that a friend of mine probably about 8 years ago told me she had macular degeneration and she would have been about 45 at the time so I started freaking out.

So I went to the eye doctor this afternoon and after all the tests and the exam she had good news for me. First of all, I still have 20/20 vision not only at a distance but up close too. So take that - I may have just turned 40 but my upclose vision is perfect and I didn't have Lasik for that - that's au naturale baby! What's going on with my left eye is that I have an astigmatism in it which according to the doctor is pretty common with people who have had Lasik because their corneas have been cut in the past. The only thing I need is a pair of glasses when I read, clear glass on the right side and corrective for astigmatism on the left side. I picked out an ultra lightweight, rimless pair and I should be able to read without that filmy spot. That's a big WHEW for me.

Tomorrow morning I've got to load up my 16 year old cat "Cat" and take him to the vet for an all day visit. This is pretty much spur of the moment as I just talked to the vet tonight about him and his issues and I'm hoping two things come out of it. One, that we find the reason why he has been pooping on the carpet with a little blood in the stool (I know, TMI) for the last few weeks and what the solution is. Two, that he gets a clean bill of health and that there isn't anything wrong with him. Poor cat is so gnarly at the vet, which is why he hasn't gone for so long, that they're going to have to put him completely under to do everything they want to do. He's so gnarly that he has notes in his file, like straight out of a Seinfeld episode, that he "strikes". I laugh when the vet said that because that sounds so much nicer than what he actually did which was hiss, spit, bite, yowl, and basically freak the hell out. It was beyond wild to say the least. The good thing is that the vet is the same one that I've been through many years of experimentation with Fuzzy's allergy problems so we have a great working relationship and know exactly what needs to be said. Bottom line though is that I want to be able to say tomorrow night "Whew!" about Cat too because despite our rough start 9 years ago, I am the only one he is lovey dovey with and he really is my handsome boy. Fingers crossed...

New Hope, Old Demons

It's only Wednesday but I have finally found out what the rest of my year will probably look like.

V. should be coming home mid-late week next week and won't have to go to China until 3/1. He told his boss he wanted the rest of February off and not coming out of his vacation time so that is great. I am a little skeptical that he won't be working at all for the month but am making a list of fun things to do so we have that to draw from. China is only to be until July when he will have a permanent position heading a business unit based in San Diego. So there is our chance at a normal life.

That's the good part - I have hope. The old demons arose this morning at the gym when I spoke with V. and he springs it on me that he and 2 other guys are going to Bahrain for the next 2 days. I'm totally taken by surprised since he's been there for 14 months and has never talked about Bahrain and now that he's coming home next week, he's going there? Bahrain is Saudi Arabia's Las Vegas as he explained it to me many months ago. Unfortunately for him I remembered that description and told him I wasn't too thrilled about him going over there now after we've been apart 10 weeks. Talk about crappy timing. It's not that I think he'll do anything concrete but the fact that he's going someplace with bars, nightclubs, and women when we've been apart for so long doesn't make me happy - AT ALL. I bit my tongue tonight and tried to stay as neutral as I could but my insecurities about the hits our marriage's foundation has taken these past 14 months and the fact that he's seen me 2-3 times in the last 10 weeks and always first thing in the morning (when I look like what the cat has barfed up) does not bolster my confidence that I will remain first and foremost in his mind in the midst of a bar scene. With my past experiences, this is the worst case scenario for me. My natural tendency is to distrust all men. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a man hater. In fact, they are my favorite creatures but it actually has made it worse as a woman because I really do know how they think and act. Great for hanging out with the guys, not so great to be married to a guy.

I don't even know what to say at this point. I guess I'll wait for the phone calls, go on with my days raising our daughter and maybe when he gets back, we'll discuss why he decided now to go to Bahrain of all times.