Day 22 & 23

There have been so many times that I will be driving in the car and I'll glance back at D. and he'll be sitting there diagonally from me in the back seat, looking at me.  I'll look him in the eye and smile, a genuine smile, because he's just so doggone cute looking and he gives me this sweet little smile with his perfect rosebud lips pressed together.  It inspires me to glance back again (if we're at a red light) and smile at him again just to see his little smile grow bigger.  What's so amazing and what hits me directly in the heart is that it's the same exact smile as when he was a mere 1/2 hour old.  Well, let me rephrase...he didn't exactly "smile" when he was first born but he did have his lips together in the most serene, content look and that is what this smile is - just a happy, I-love-you-Mommy look that I only get when we're in the car together.  Makes my heart melt, do flip flops and my whole being go all gushy.

 

D. 30 minutes old

 

Yesterday while D. napped, I. and I got things done around the house and then we all went to swim class.  In the afternoon, I. and I played a game and then we went to the chiropractor.  It doesn't sound like a memorable day but we had a good day.  I did a funny dance after I lost the game to I. because it was a close one and she thought that was hilarious. Our wonderful summer just continues on thankfully.

 

Today I. went to summer day camp at her school for swim day and I decided to run up to LEGOLAND water park for a fun time and a research trip all rolled into one.  We had never been to the water park before and I had no idea if I could successfully keep both kiddos happy since they might want to be in different sections and if there's only one of me that could be a problem.

 

 

We got there and ate lunch and then went to the section for littler kids and my goodness, did D. enjoy himself.  With all his fussiness the last 2 weeks at the parties, I kind of anticipated some problems but he went in full tilt and we had the best time.  He ran around squealing with joy and my face hurt from smiling so much as I watched him.  Even when it was time to go and change clothes to go get I. from camp, he didn't throw a fit, probably because he was a little hungry and I enticed him with the last piece of pizza from lunch.  Still, he was a hundred times better than the last 2 weekends so maybe it's not the party situation and him having a hard time dealing with it.  Perhaps it's the number of people around him that he knows and somehow that makes him feel insecure with me.  Because today there were plenty of people around and he was fine separating from me and running around solo.  Or maybe it's because I. wasn't there?  I don't know but I'll have to keep mixing things up and seeing if I can figure it out.  The bottom line of the water park was that I think I. would have a good time if I took them by myself but she would have a better time if I took them with other people to free us two girls to go explore the bigger kid attractions as well. 

 

I find myself more relaxed this summer with the kiddos especially I.  I find more humor in what she says instead of getting annoyed.  She's been such a joy to be around for the most part, less whiny and complaining, more positive and cheerful and more affectionate with me.  I've found more patience to deal with the few times when she's reverted back to Eeyore.  I've had time to talk with her about things in the distant future, both life lessons and tips as well as my hopes for her and I and our relationship. I've talked about how important it is for her to find a man that she is friends with and who makes her laugh because life can be difficult and if you don't like the person you are married to, life will be really long and tiring.  We've talked about how I will be a Bubbi to her kids and that I will help her when her kiddos are driving her crazy.  Yesterday we were talking about how Mommy will always be there through all the hard times that come with life and whether she would want me there when she has her babies (she said she did).  I told her I could really help encourage her when she has her babies because I've been through both a baby out of my tummy and one out the other way so I know what I'm talking about.  She liked that.  Of course my cynical side tells me I'm delusional that she is going to want this 20 years down the line but I am going to try to remain optimistic.  Maybe it's strange but I can tell she enjoys it though on some level it touches her to a point that she gets shy and embarrassed but later it comes out in the form of loving affection from her both physically and verbally so I think it's good.  I can only hope and pray for the best outcome.

Another Eve

It's not New Year's Eve...it's Idyllwild vacation Eve.  This time of the year flies by so quickly.  It seems like once Halloween hits, it's a race to the end of the end.  First Halloween, then I.'s birthday, followed by Thanksgiving and then soon after Christmas and our annual New Year's vacation.  Thank goodness D. was born in the summer.

Christmas was relaxed since we didn't have to go anywhere.  We just enjoyed watching the kids opening their presents and later played with them before my parents arrived close to noon.  We had a good time opening presents and dinner went well except for feeling as though we were cooking in a boat.  But my metaphor or analogy (it's too late to look up the correct definition) diffused any stress and my Christmas table turned out well.

Tomorrow we leave for Idyllwild.  With my lists and packing ahead of time I feel like I'm in a good place.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow at 11am, if I'm in as good of shape.  Fingers crossed that things will go somewhat smoothly and at a low stress level.

Also, we have no WiFi at our cabin so I may be incommunicado until we get back.  Seeing that I have 3 months of magazines to get caught up on and many books to read, I'll be just fine.  I'm hoping for a really great vacation getaway with my family.  V. has been home quite a bit from Christmas Eve on so I'm hoping that our vacation will be a continuation of this downtime.

One big thing that came to pass, both a big positive and a somewhat negative, has been that V. made all of his annual goals and thus has made it to the "President's Club" this year.  Meaning that we have an all expense paid and loaded up with all sorts of activities' trip to Puerto Rico February 28-March 3rd, 2013.  I'm excited yes but I have to admit when I saw the email, my first response was to tear up thinking that I had to get D. weaned by then.  It's doable but since he's sick now, it's going to require an accelerated schedule since I'm not eliminating feedings when he's sick.

I have to admit that as I see all the activities we have to choose from and I recognize that this is truly good timing, I'm getting really excited.  V. and I haven't been away by ourselves since March 2011 (and that was with D. in my tummy) and I have read that 18 months is the "perfect" time to wean which would be February 6th. I think it's especially opportune time that this year happens to be the year they have this celebration in Puerto Rico.  The heritage of V. and the site of our honeymoon... very fitting.

Still, I'm feeling grief and wondering if there's a way to continue nursing D. after a 5-6 day vacation.  I don't want to wean him based on our needs, I'd like to wean D. based on his needs but I'm not sure that's going to work.

Doula Interview Part 1

I had the meeting with the first doula yesterday and it went well. For someone like myself who isn't the most extroverted, socially confident, verbose person in the world, I was a little concerned that it would be awkward to sit down, have coffee, and chat with a total stranger. But it wasn't bad at all. I felt comfortable with her and she had a calm aura about her because she is a doula you know. So I relaxed and we talked. Today is the second person and we'll see how that one goes.

One thing I got out of yesterday's discussion was that I feel pretty confident that I could have a much better labor process than I had with I. Of course, considering the last time, that's a safe assumption. V. is still making fun of me but not in a cruel way, just in a way that he has an opportunity to do so and is making the most of it. He says, "Did you tell her that she was going to be 1 of 5 doulas you were having?" He makes it sound like one will be massaging my feet, one peeling grapes, one massaging me, etc. Yeah, he's a funny guy. I told him that he should be encouraging me to get one since it'll take the pressure and expectations off of him. But it's an opportunity to tease and he never misses one.

I'm looking forward to my insurance paid massage this afternoon but it also reminded me that I need to shave my legs. One cannot have a massage with stubbly legs. With V. gone and it being cold at night, I just have foregone the leg shaving. Once a week when V. is home and that's about it for the week unless for some reason I get a wild hair about it. Hee hee a wild hair about shaving...

Did I See It?

Yes, I did see that little heart fluttering at top speed. I saw the shape of the baby and to my surprise, it looked more like a baby than the guppy I was expecting. Keep in mind, most ultrasounds are done later in a pregnancy - the baby is barely 8 weeks old. Even so, it had already unfurled its little body so the head shape was evident with its little body curling out from its neck.

Doctor says this is good news despite the little spotting here and there and that the baby is measuring exactly as it should. Of course, after he says this he moves on to all the genetic counselling he recommends, including an ultrasound because you know I am 40 and somehow that means that all hell has a high chance of occurring. At least that's how they make you feel. I wonder if this is how they treat all the 40+ actresses having babies. Somehow I don't think so.

Anyways, I'm leaning towards the non-invasive tests (blood, ultrasounds, etc.) that will give me what the doctor says will be 95% of the information. These tests have to be done at certain times in pregnancy so I've got to figure out what and when and get them scheduled. Of course, this is after I call the insurance company to figure out what they will cover and what they will balk at. Just add that to the other phonecalls I have to make to the auto insurance companies about the aftermath of getting hit.

Was I happy? Yes, I was. After feeling so lousy, it felt good to see a good and rational reason why. It helps get through the rest of the tired days. Hopefully that should only be 4 more weeks. Am I still feeling overwhelmed by the future? Yes, I am. But hopefully that will lessen in the future. For now, everything is okay.

Finally, A Really Great Day!

Yesterday was a truly great day in our household. Did something major occur? No, but a bunch of the little things that I enjoy and have missed did and that was SO much better than any big thing. Disneyland wouldn't have even come close.
We started Labor Day with a leisurely morning and then went to the cooler coastline for I.'s first miniature golfing experience. She was stoked and we all had a great time. It was just so neat to see her enjoy a "big girl" experience and teach her something new.





After we golfed, I. surpisingly said she was hungry. Imagine that, I. hungry! So we went to Fidel's, one of our favorite restaurant just around the corner, where I. had a full lunch and V. and I had an appetizer and margaritas. Talked turned to Las Vegas, past and future memories and it was alot of fun. Then home for resttime and then onto our Labor Day BBQ. Since I. goes to bed so early, it's rare for us to have dinner all together (except for regular Saturday "linner") and getting to eat outside makes it a real treat for I. On top of that, I. had strawberry ice cream for dessert so it was a great time for all of us.





After I. went to bed, V. and I enjoyed a movie and then a little something-something afterwards. I swear, it felt like we fit several days worth of good stuff into one day without feeling rushed - it just flowed and it was really nice.

Here's the analogy that has run through my mind all day and seems to capture how I felt yesterday. Imagine you broke your ribs, an injury for which nothing can help except time and rest. An injury that causes excruciating, sharp, constant pain that causes you not to be able to take in a deep breath of life-sustaining air. Then after a long period of time, one day you are able to take in a full breath of air without the stabbing pain in your side. That was today for me and even if tomorrow or future days have rough moments, I'll thank God that I've felt this relief for one day because it holds the promise of the days to come.