Where Has The Month Gone?

Tomorrow is the last day of January and I swear we just got back home from our Idyllwild vacation.  How is it that time goes by so fast?  I don't know if it's a function of my age or the fact that I have two young children.  Regardless, I try to cherish each of the small, good moments and try to forget all those trying moments.

D. has been sick so the weaning process came to a halt, not unhappily.  We are down to the morning and evening feeding.  Now that we are less than 30 days away from the Puerto Rico outing, I feel the pressure.  Maybe on Monday I'll substitute the sippy cup of milk and hope for the best.  Part of me thinks I should try it out on a non-school day for I. so that if he cries a little at bedtime, it doesn't disturb her sleep.  However, my mother instinct tells me that I should start it on a day where it is predominately just he and I, that we have time by ourselves to play, read books, and snuggle during the day to lessen the impact at bedtime.  So that's what I'm going with.  To be honest, I don't know if I would really be pursuing weaning if it wasn't for this trip.  If it wasn't a all expenses paid, reward for my husband's hard work, I think I'd forego adults' only trips for as long as it took until he was bored and ready to wean.  I know when the morning arrives for us to leave for the airport to head to Puerto Rico and our house is empty of kids, I'll be really excited because it has been awhile...since March 2011.  It's just that the road getting there is fraught with emotional pain for both D. and I.

Speaking of emotional pain, V.'s grandmother died on Sunday and he is back in New York to attend the service tomorrow.  It's a sad time even though she was 98.  There is no age that is good to die.  I am monitoring V. from afar and he seems to be doing okay.  I look forward to him coming home Saturday afternoon and being welcomed by two excited kids and a happy wife.

Another Eve

It's not New Year's Eve...it's Idyllwild vacation Eve.  This time of the year flies by so quickly.  It seems like once Halloween hits, it's a race to the end of the end.  First Halloween, then I.'s birthday, followed by Thanksgiving and then soon after Christmas and our annual New Year's vacation.  Thank goodness D. was born in the summer.

Christmas was relaxed since we didn't have to go anywhere.  We just enjoyed watching the kids opening their presents and later played with them before my parents arrived close to noon.  We had a good time opening presents and dinner went well except for feeling as though we were cooking in a boat.  But my metaphor or analogy (it's too late to look up the correct definition) diffused any stress and my Christmas table turned out well.

Tomorrow we leave for Idyllwild.  With my lists and packing ahead of time I feel like I'm in a good place.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow at 11am, if I'm in as good of shape.  Fingers crossed that things will go somewhat smoothly and at a low stress level.

Also, we have no WiFi at our cabin so I may be incommunicado until we get back.  Seeing that I have 3 months of magazines to get caught up on and many books to read, I'll be just fine.  I'm hoping for a really great vacation getaway with my family.  V. has been home quite a bit from Christmas Eve on so I'm hoping that our vacation will be a continuation of this downtime.

One big thing that came to pass, both a big positive and a somewhat negative, has been that V. made all of his annual goals and thus has made it to the "President's Club" this year.  Meaning that we have an all expense paid and loaded up with all sorts of activities' trip to Puerto Rico February 28-March 3rd, 2013.  I'm excited yes but I have to admit when I saw the email, my first response was to tear up thinking that I had to get D. weaned by then.  It's doable but since he's sick now, it's going to require an accelerated schedule since I'm not eliminating feedings when he's sick.

I have to admit that as I see all the activities we have to choose from and I recognize that this is truly good timing, I'm getting really excited.  V. and I haven't been away by ourselves since March 2011 (and that was with D. in my tummy) and I have read that 18 months is the "perfect" time to wean which would be February 6th. I think it's especially opportune time that this year happens to be the year they have this celebration in Puerto Rico.  The heritage of V. and the site of our honeymoon... very fitting.

Still, I'm feeling grief and wondering if there's a way to continue nursing D. after a 5-6 day vacation.  I don't want to wean him based on our needs, I'd like to wean D. based on his needs but I'm not sure that's going to work.

Kindergarten Eve

...sigh...

The night before Kindergarten Eve and all through the house, a momma is trying not to cry. I've packed her nutritious snack with love and with care, and included a handwritten note and a drawing of us to somehow insert myself into the middle of her first day.

I wonder if having D. will make it easier but somehow I don't think so. Even as a new mom of two and realizing that I don't love one more than the other, there is something about sending your first child off to school. It's a first for both of us. I. is so excited. Her reading continues to improve daily and she has her outfit picked out for her first day. I remember how excited I was the day before school and how every year I had my first day outfit picked out. I will try to concentrate on her excitement instead of my sense of loss at least until she goes into the classroom.

It'll be the new normal but I wonder how long it will take me to grieve over not having I. here with me in the morning on a daily basis. Of course, parts will be nice. Being able to hopefully take a nap in during D.'s morning nap or having a quiet house to myself while he naps will be nice. But I will greatly miss my baby girl with her big personality and vast amount of words peppering my morning.

...sigh...

It's All About The Journey

If there's a lesson I've been learning for the past few years, it's that life is all about the journey, not the finish line. Being a goal oriented person, that's a hard one for me. I like to cross things off my lists, travel to vacation destinations as quickly as possible because to me, I get satisfaction from the end result.

Life's end result is not that great though, you know? I mean, yeah if you have religious beliefs, you have future hope after you die so I guess that becomes the end result but how many of us would happily choose to fast forward to that at this point in our lives. Not me, for one. Once upon a time in my sick, sick mind maybe so but not anymore.

In honor of that journey lesson, I changed the background of my blog. It's to help remind me to enjoy the little things along the way because the big things don't come around all that often. It reminds me to look over at I. intently and silently (hallelujah!) stringing colorful beads on a string to make me a necklace and marvel that this little being is my daughter. I have a daughter! That fact causes involuntary head shakes in wonder because I never envisioned myself raising a little girl. Increasingly, our relationship mirrors the memories I have of my mom and I had when I was I.'s age since I was an only child for 13 years. I chuckle when I think how disappointed I was not that long ago that I. would pretty much be an only child because I have great memories of it just being my mom and I. I think I was lucky and hopefully I. will too.

Future Hope

I read the blogs of the "professionals" and of friends and I'm always struck by how their posts contain teachable topics and/or great skills, at least for the most part. I enjoy how they inspire me to think more deeply or to feel less alone with the struggles of being a momma. However, inevitably, I finish reading and think to myself, "My blog doesn't really contribute anything to anyone's life." I have to admit, I feel a little guilty about that.

Then I remind myself that there are different seasons to life, as I well know from my own past. For the past 3 years, the season has been characterized by raising a strong willed, feisty daughter basically on my own due to V.'s anti-family life job. It also was greatly overshadowed by Mark's cancer diagnosis and death and me trying to deal with that. So, it's been a tough season of life. Of course, lots of good memories and fun times too but overall, it's been a lot to handle.

My blog, especially lately, has served as an important way to get those swirling (yes, again with the swirling) thoughts and emotions out of my brain and body. Without V. here, there's really no one on a daily basis to talk those things out in between therapist appointments. So I use my blog to keep things rotating out of my mind and minimize the buildup which is NEVER a good thing. I am consistently trying to avoid the "straw that broke the camel's back" scenario that us women tend to struggle with. We handle and handle until we stop handling and God help the next person who irritates us or doesn't step in to help the way we imagine they should. You know what I mean.

So, right now my blog does serve a purpose. In this season of my life, its benefit is for me solely. Hopefully I'll move into another season where there's less swirling and more contemplative thinking. It's hard to be contemplative with a 4 year old, dancing next to you, screaming "Watch me Mommy! Watch me Mommy!" (like she is right now). It's a miracle I can write anything at all!

The Big Sayonara to 2009

About 80% of me feels like if the Year 2009 was standing in front of me, I'd flip a big ole birdie at it 'cause on many fronts, it's been a shitty year. Namely, because Mark died and V. was gone the whole friggin' year. Two important males in my life just were gone and I felt very "left". How could I not? The foundations of my life and my own mortality were shaken this year - I feel anxiety about both topics and if my life can go back to normal once V. is back home remains to be seen. I might also flip the birdie to 2009 in defiance to say, "No matter what you or your other past buddies have thrown at me, I'M STILL HERE!"

The other 20% of me looks back at 2009 wistfully. This is the year my baby girl turned 4, began the process of wearing underpants, and went to preschool. What a year 2009 has been for her! For these things I am grateful because I. has been so excited about these things and how could I not share her joy? It's also the last full year of my 30's - ugh. I try to remind myself back when I was 29, going on 30 that I was down about that too but I've got to tell you, my 30's were SO MUCH better than my 20's were not only for the life situations that occurred but also for the way I became so much more comfortable with myself and unapologetic for who I was. Now, as I approach the end of my 30's, I feel like this process will only continue and allow myself even more freedom to just be who I know I am and not be who I am not and most importantly, be okay with that. The one portion of this 20% that I am not wistful about, just plain thankful, is that even though I would MUCH rather have V. home full-time with us, I. and I have truly bonded in a way we probably would not have if it hadn't just been the two of us. That is something that will hopefully go a long way in our future when times get tough, as I know they will. My dad worked a lot when I was little and it was really just my mom and I and we were and still are very close. She was the person I had the most fun with and when I went into my teenage years, there were some bumps but really nothing big because she and I viewed ourselves as being on the same team. I hope this past year has poured us a thick, sturdy foundation for us upon which we will build the rest of our life's relationship.

Helpful Words from Unexpected Sources

I've been in recent communication with the past teacher of the Mommy and Me class that I. and I were involved in for the past 2 years. She is a therapist by trade and used to work with hospice and was aware of Mark. We just recently had some email contact and in our exchanges, she wrote some things that helped me unexpectedly.

"Grief is hard work. You gave Mark such a gift to be the kind of friend willing to walk that painful road with him. I've seen many people who did not have friends as... brave, selfless, loving. He was lucky to have you.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little bit better. His greatest legacy will be in giving something positive to your life and the lives of others he loved --- not in destroying those lives because of grief. It honors him to find joy again."

When I read it, I felt proud and relieved that I was this kind of friend to Mark because truly that is the kind of friendship we had throughout life, so why not at the end of it as well? Of course, this leads me to think of who will be there to walk me to the end of the road and that scares me since I don't make friends all that easily.

It also made me feel more okay with the fact that I am feeling more like myself and less raw. Yes, the pain is softening. Can I eat 3 full meals a day? No, but that's where I'm at right now. I'm functioning, not miserable and sobbing, and starting to be able to think about the times Mark and I had together during our years together. Yes, that last week, the last long hug, the last time we spoke to each other, the last time we smiled broadly at each other - it all still haunts me. Mostly because all those "lasts" took place late Sunday afternoon and he was dead by Thursday morning. It's just so surreal how fast it happened but even more surreal because it feels/felt like those were the longest 4 days of my life. It's like a bad dream really.

Then I think back to what I.'s teacher said about giving Mark the gift of being a friend that walks that painful road with him and that makes me feel warm inside; not quite happy, just warm. Because I know I did the right thing and that means a lot to me when it comes to Mark. It may have cost me alot personally, but the fact that he knew I was there before he slipped into unconsciousness and was responding to what I was whispering to him towards the end, makes the pain very worthwhile.

Grief is hard work! I have noticed that the nights I have dreams about Mark, I am more exhausted the next day even if I have gone to bed at a decent time and have gotten a little extra sleep. I'll just have to continue my journey and see where it leads me.