The Big Sayonara to 2009

About 80% of me feels like if the Year 2009 was standing in front of me, I'd flip a big ole birdie at it 'cause on many fronts, it's been a shitty year. Namely, because Mark died and V. was gone the whole friggin' year. Two important males in my life just were gone and I felt very "left". How could I not? The foundations of my life and my own mortality were shaken this year - I feel anxiety about both topics and if my life can go back to normal once V. is back home remains to be seen. I might also flip the birdie to 2009 in defiance to say, "No matter what you or your other past buddies have thrown at me, I'M STILL HERE!"

The other 20% of me looks back at 2009 wistfully. This is the year my baby girl turned 4, began the process of wearing underpants, and went to preschool. What a year 2009 has been for her! For these things I am grateful because I. has been so excited about these things and how could I not share her joy? It's also the last full year of my 30's - ugh. I try to remind myself back when I was 29, going on 30 that I was down about that too but I've got to tell you, my 30's were SO MUCH better than my 20's were not only for the life situations that occurred but also for the way I became so much more comfortable with myself and unapologetic for who I was. Now, as I approach the end of my 30's, I feel like this process will only continue and allow myself even more freedom to just be who I know I am and not be who I am not and most importantly, be okay with that. The one portion of this 20% that I am not wistful about, just plain thankful, is that even though I would MUCH rather have V. home full-time with us, I. and I have truly bonded in a way we probably would not have if it hadn't just been the two of us. That is something that will hopefully go a long way in our future when times get tough, as I know they will. My dad worked a lot when I was little and it was really just my mom and I and we were and still are very close. She was the person I had the most fun with and when I went into my teenage years, there were some bumps but really nothing big because she and I viewed ourselves as being on the same team. I hope this past year has poured us a thick, sturdy foundation for us upon which we will build the rest of our life's relationship.