Kathy and I had a blast at dinner and the show. It's so nice to be with someone who I can totally be myself with and not worry that the person will be "shocked". I notice that I only am able to act like my pre-Momma self with 4 people, all of which I knew during my bad time 10 years ago. I think it's because they knew me then but also because I figure if they stuck with me then through the horrible times, then I can just let it all hang out. That's probably how I. feels about me too, come to think of it.
It's not that I am consciously holding back when I'm with my momma friends, it's like the pre-momma side of me just doesn't really appear. The problem is that whatever the post-momma side of me is, it doesn't consistently appear either. The only time I'm completely comfortable with my post-momma side is when it's just I. and I. When V. is here, he knew me then and loyally stuck by so I successfully divide myself between pre and post-momma me. Confusing, huh?
I've been waiting about 9 months to look at trikes for I.'s Santa present (she gets one from him) and so after I dropped her off at my parents' house, I went to look at some to make sure she would fit on it. Went home and ordered it online in my preferred color, $20 cheaper, free shipping. SCORE! I was so excited picturing her face when she saw it. Then, Sunday afternoon I went and picked up I. from my parents' house and the emotional upheaval began. My mom tells me she needs to show me something that they got her for Christmas and guess what? It's a Big Wheel, which is what I had been looking for but couldn't find and so settled for the trike. This thing's got lights, sounds, and buttons and if I had seen this, this is what I would have bought. I know my face just fell because my mom immediately noticed and even though we decided that they will give her it a few months from now, I still was crushed.
Maybe I'm being a baby but here's the deal. I'm trying to raise (and successfully doing so) an unspoiled, appreciative child. Also, there are 2 other children that we have to support financially so money isn't exactly flowing into the savings account. That being said, my parents are thoroughly enjoying buying lots of things for I. and that is fine by me. This is their only grandchild and I'm not going to begrudge them and it saves me having to buy some things. BUT, just a month ago for I.'s birthday, our big gift to her was to go to Legoland. When I called my parents to make sure they could go with us, my mom said that they had already planned on getting her a season pass and taking all of us to go. Yes, it saved us a bunch of money, but I no longer had her BIG present. Now, 6 mths. in the making, is her Christmas BIG present and it feels like a repeat. I feel like I was so excited only to have the rug pulled out from under me because I know she will like that other ride toy better. I mean, it has sounds, lights, buttons - come on, that's what matters to a little kid. I was so disappointed that when I showered that night, I just cried and continued sobbing at various times throughout the night.
It comes down to this: no matter what I do isn't good enough. Mentally, I challenge that but emotionally, that's how it feels. I plan for 6 months, do all my research, get what I think she wants but my parents get the better gift. I send the check to the girls' mom a couple of days late and still get grief because of it. With V. being gone the whole year, I just feel like the balls are starting to drop. I've worked hard to keep all the balls in the air - the house (needing repairs), the marriage, being a mother, daughter of a mom having health issues, finances, laundry, trash takeout, holiday decorations and celebrations (to keep I. and I's life as normal as possible), keeping myself healthy, taking care of all the pets, still dealing with the loss of Mark, etc. After this entire year, it's building up and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Then when the balls start to drop here and there about stupid, unimportant stuff (ie. the girls' check being mailed 2 days late, not cleaning I.'s tennis shoes diligently), I start saying to myself, "See, no matter how much you do, it's not good enough because the balls are still dropping."
I know I need to cut myself slack, give myself a break, and give myself credit for all the things I successfully accomplish but it's hard. I really think this is my temperament and then my parents unfortunately reinforced this self-defeating mindset unwittingly. Throughout my school years, I would bring home mostly all A's. If it was all A's and one B+, that's what they would focus on. Geez, it's no wonder that I have that line running through my head "No matter what I do, it's not good enough." That being said, I am completely aware of this and have made a conscious promise that I will not do that to I. because I already see the signs in her - easily frustrated over mistakes or unsuccessful attempts, expectation that she can do it right the first time, and thinking she can do something even though it's too advanced for her. Maybe as I give this gift to her that my parents were too young to give to me, I can learn the lesson for myself as well. How many years does it take to unlearn a lesson that's been taught to you for 20+ years? Hopefully I'll learn it before I die.
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