The second part of my conversation with my mom yesterday was finding out that my brother would not be around for Christmas which added to my parents' depression. So I jumped into ad-lib mode and invited my parents over for Christmas Day. This is huge, I've never had any major holiday at my home, whatever home I've had. My mom didn't think that my dad would go for it but lo and behold, I talk to them this morning and they're all for it. Waking up to no tree, no decorations or lights, and no kids until lunchtime is too much to handle and I understand that, thus the invitation for a different Christmas this year.
It's a different Christmas for us as well. Until last year, Christmas morning was us opening gifts (excluding V.'s and mine) quickly so that V. could hit the road for the 3 hour round trip taking the girls back home. Last year, the girls came down on Christmas Eve afternoon and drove themselves home Christmas morning. This year will be the first year that I. does not have her sisters here for Christmas morning, well excluding the year V. was in Saudi Arabia and no one was here for Christmas. But this will be the first year that we get to stay at home all Christmas Day. What a treat...except
For the fact that now I had to go into overdrive mode trying to provide a nice Christmas table. This is not completely me putting the stress on me. My father resisted a less stress Christmas dinner when I suggested it for my mother's sake citing childhood trauma and memories so I know I need to provide a sort of special ambiance for the dinner. Luckily my mom and I discussed the itinerary of the Christmas dinner so I think we're in sync there and thank goodness for Amazon, I was able to put together a pretty Christmas table (I hope) most of which will arrive on Christmas Eve afternoon.
It's a mixture of emotions. I'm happy for my little family because this is the first one that we celebrate just us Christmas morning. It's not that I want to exclude the girls because that's not it. It's having Daddy, Mommy, and 2 excited, young, Santa believing kids in the home that morning that is a first for us. I'm also happy that V. doesn't have to drive 3 hours on Christmas morning and meet us at my parents' home separate from us. It's looking forward to having some time to explore and play with the toys that we give them instead of having to get ready and head over to my parents' house in the morning.
Yet I feel a responsibility to make this Christmas a happy one for my parents. As a parent and adult I can understand it's a tough one. They had to make cutbacks (at least I hope they did) on the presents due to their financial situation. And two out of three of their kids are not here for Christmas. It leaves pressure on the remaining kid to make it a good one. I thank God for my kids, their grandkids, because I think they are what will make this Christmas a joyous one for all of us.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Friday, December 23, 2011
Busy Week
It's been really busy since my last post with I. being out of school. I. and I have been enjoying hanging out together with one of our favorite activities being baking in the morning while D. takes his morning nap, or some shortened version of it some days. We've made gingerbread cookies, sugar cookies, two loaves of cranberry nut bread, and Mexican wedding cakes. Much of it we've shared with others and tomorrow morning we'll be taking some of the Mexican wedding cakes and bread to our next door neighbors who bring in our trashcans almost every week (along with everyone else's on our row). It's been quality and quantity time with I. and with her not being in school, she is more relaxed, cheerful, and funny. We're really been having a good time though it has been exhausting by the afternoon without any downtime. Now I've been fighting off a throat virus for the last few days and I'm hoping it begins to improve or at least, not get worse.
Last weekend was not very good for me. To make a long story short, I attempted to supplement D.'s feeding with some pumped milk, multiple ways, multiple nipples and all resulted in D. screaming and crying and me crying as well. He did not want the nipple and even when he got the milk in his mouth, he spit it out because he was full from my feeding. Two days of these attempts left me mute on Sunday night, literally mute. That's how depressed and down I was. Even my parents sent an email saying that my mom had had to stop nursing me because I was still hungry when she fed me but that she had to supplement for the good of me. As though I am putting my desire to breastfeed D. above his wellbeing. It really upset me and angered me.
I remembered that a friend of mine is a pediatrician so I emailed her with all his growth stats and pics and asked her for her opinion. I also began wondering why I was taking a beautiful experience of nursing and allowing it to become such a stress filled, upsetting experience just based on what the ped says vs. what I know in my heart of hearts - D. is okay, he's more than okay. So I decided to just keep feeding him as often as possible and track his weight. My friend emailed back that yes, he was a slow gainer, but he was gaining and he definitely wasn't a skinny baby. That he looked fine and sounded great and to not worry about it.
One thing I did start doing this week and that I am enjoying immensely is for the first feeding in the morning (ie. the one that I know for certain he's not going to go back to sleep after or one that is at a decent time in the morning as in after 5:30am), I get him up, change him and get him buck naked except for that diaper. Then I put him bed with me, put the covers over our heads and nurse him while we warm up skin to skin and I can caress his little body. It's just the nicest, sweetest thing ever and I love it. He loves it too. It's the perfect way to usher in a new day, communicating warmth, love, and safety. And it's supposed to help with breastfeeding so that's even better.
Now if I can just start feeling better, that would be fantastic and if D. would have a few good nights of sleep with some long stretches for me, that would be even better. Here's wishing for both!
Last weekend was not very good for me. To make a long story short, I attempted to supplement D.'s feeding with some pumped milk, multiple ways, multiple nipples and all resulted in D. screaming and crying and me crying as well. He did not want the nipple and even when he got the milk in his mouth, he spit it out because he was full from my feeding. Two days of these attempts left me mute on Sunday night, literally mute. That's how depressed and down I was. Even my parents sent an email saying that my mom had had to stop nursing me because I was still hungry when she fed me but that she had to supplement for the good of me. As though I am putting my desire to breastfeed D. above his wellbeing. It really upset me and angered me.
I remembered that a friend of mine is a pediatrician so I emailed her with all his growth stats and pics and asked her for her opinion. I also began wondering why I was taking a beautiful experience of nursing and allowing it to become such a stress filled, upsetting experience just based on what the ped says vs. what I know in my heart of hearts - D. is okay, he's more than okay. So I decided to just keep feeding him as often as possible and track his weight. My friend emailed back that yes, he was a slow gainer, but he was gaining and he definitely wasn't a skinny baby. That he looked fine and sounded great and to not worry about it.
One thing I did start doing this week and that I am enjoying immensely is for the first feeding in the morning (ie. the one that I know for certain he's not going to go back to sleep after or one that is at a decent time in the morning as in after 5:30am), I get him up, change him and get him buck naked except for that diaper. Then I put him bed with me, put the covers over our heads and nurse him while we warm up skin to skin and I can caress his little body. It's just the nicest, sweetest thing ever and I love it. He loves it too. It's the perfect way to usher in a new day, communicating warmth, love, and safety. And it's supposed to help with breastfeeding so that's even better.
Now if I can just start feeling better, that would be fantastic and if D. would have a few good nights of sleep with some long stretches for me, that would be even better. Here's wishing for both!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The 3 F's
The sense of futility, frustration, and failure hangs heavy in the humid air this morning. Before 8:15 am. I was in tears, feeling unloved and unappreciated by my daughter. The one that just 5 years ago, I carried in my body and was so looking forward to meeting.
I thought I was a good mom but with the behavior I've been seeing for the past month, I must have been doing it all wrong for a very long time. I just don't get it. I haven't been treating her like she's the middle of the universe, she's a part of the family. I have been consistent with her discipline and teaching her what is and is not acceptable, she knows it. But this summer she's been trying to turn into a little tyrant and that's been the battle the whole freaking summer. Everything, no matter how small, she has to make it into a fight with me. Going to the bathroom - NO. So three times a day she pisses in her underwear.
And if something big and fun isn't on the day's agenda, then she'll throw a tantrum first thing in the morning. This morning, her underwear were inside out and she threw them at me and said, "YOU fix them. I'm not fixing them." This is NOT how I have been raising this child. I feel like I have been doing the hard work, not taking the easy road of just letting her do what she wants but now it seems like I am sowing nothing but defiance and disrespect.
It feels like all I do is punish because I don't think I should let these instances pass without consequences. In between, I give love and physical affection to try to balance it out but it still feels like I'm just mean momma every day, every second. It exhausts me and breaks my heart and after over a month of this, it's breaking my spirit.
I thought I was a good mom but with the behavior I've been seeing for the past month, I must have been doing it all wrong for a very long time. I just don't get it. I haven't been treating her like she's the middle of the universe, she's a part of the family. I have been consistent with her discipline and teaching her what is and is not acceptable, she knows it. But this summer she's been trying to turn into a little tyrant and that's been the battle the whole freaking summer. Everything, no matter how small, she has to make it into a fight with me. Going to the bathroom - NO. So three times a day she pisses in her underwear.
And if something big and fun isn't on the day's agenda, then she'll throw a tantrum first thing in the morning. This morning, her underwear were inside out and she threw them at me and said, "YOU fix them. I'm not fixing them." This is NOT how I have been raising this child. I feel like I have been doing the hard work, not taking the easy road of just letting her do what she wants but now it seems like I am sowing nothing but defiance and disrespect.
It feels like all I do is punish because I don't think I should let these instances pass without consequences. In between, I give love and physical affection to try to balance it out but it still feels like I'm just mean momma every day, every second. It exhausts me and breaks my heart and after over a month of this, it's breaking my spirit.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Dealing with Emotions
Kathy and I had a blast at dinner and the show. It's so nice to be with someone who I can totally be myself with and not worry that the person will be "shocked". I notice that I only am able to act like my pre-Momma self with 4 people, all of which I knew during my bad time 10 years ago. I think it's because they knew me then but also because I figure if they stuck with me then through the horrible times, then I can just let it all hang out. That's probably how I. feels about me too, come to think of it.
It's not that I am consciously holding back when I'm with my momma friends, it's like the pre-momma side of me just doesn't really appear. The problem is that whatever the post-momma side of me is, it doesn't consistently appear either. The only time I'm completely comfortable with my post-momma side is when it's just I. and I. When V. is here, he knew me then and loyally stuck by so I successfully divide myself between pre and post-momma me. Confusing, huh?
I've been waiting about 9 months to look at trikes for I.'s Santa present (she gets one from him) and so after I dropped her off at my parents' house, I went to look at some to make sure she would fit on it. Went home and ordered it online in my preferred color, $20 cheaper, free shipping. SCORE! I was so excited picturing her face when she saw it. Then, Sunday afternoon I went and picked up I. from my parents' house and the emotional upheaval began. My mom tells me she needs to show me something that they got her for Christmas and guess what? It's a Big Wheel, which is what I had been looking for but couldn't find and so settled for the trike. This thing's got lights, sounds, and buttons and if I had seen this, this is what I would have bought. I know my face just fell because my mom immediately noticed and even though we decided that they will give her it a few months from now, I still was crushed.
Maybe I'm being a baby but here's the deal. I'm trying to raise (and successfully doing so) an unspoiled, appreciative child. Also, there are 2 other children that we have to support financially so money isn't exactly flowing into the savings account. That being said, my parents are thoroughly enjoying buying lots of things for I. and that is fine by me. This is their only grandchild and I'm not going to begrudge them and it saves me having to buy some things. BUT, just a month ago for I.'s birthday, our big gift to her was to go to Legoland. When I called my parents to make sure they could go with us, my mom said that they had already planned on getting her a season pass and taking all of us to go. Yes, it saved us a bunch of money, but I no longer had her BIG present. Now, 6 mths. in the making, is her Christmas BIG present and it feels like a repeat. I feel like I was so excited only to have the rug pulled out from under me because I know she will like that other ride toy better. I mean, it has sounds, lights, buttons - come on, that's what matters to a little kid. I was so disappointed that when I showered that night, I just cried and continued sobbing at various times throughout the night.
It comes down to this: no matter what I do isn't good enough. Mentally, I challenge that but emotionally, that's how it feels. I plan for 6 months, do all my research, get what I think she wants but my parents get the better gift. I send the check to the girls' mom a couple of days late and still get grief because of it. With V. being gone the whole year, I just feel like the balls are starting to drop. I've worked hard to keep all the balls in the air - the house (needing repairs), the marriage, being a mother, daughter of a mom having health issues, finances, laundry, trash takeout, holiday decorations and celebrations (to keep I. and I's life as normal as possible), keeping myself healthy, taking care of all the pets, still dealing with the loss of Mark, etc. After this entire year, it's building up and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Then when the balls start to drop here and there about stupid, unimportant stuff (ie. the girls' check being mailed 2 days late, not cleaning I.'s tennis shoes diligently), I start saying to myself, "See, no matter how much you do, it's not good enough because the balls are still dropping."
I know I need to cut myself slack, give myself a break, and give myself credit for all the things I successfully accomplish but it's hard. I really think this is my temperament and then my parents unfortunately reinforced this self-defeating mindset unwittingly. Throughout my school years, I would bring home mostly all A's. If it was all A's and one B+, that's what they would focus on. Geez, it's no wonder that I have that line running through my head "No matter what I do, it's not good enough." That being said, I am completely aware of this and have made a conscious promise that I will not do that to I. because I already see the signs in her - easily frustrated over mistakes or unsuccessful attempts, expectation that she can do it right the first time, and thinking she can do something even though it's too advanced for her. Maybe as I give this gift to her that my parents were too young to give to me, I can learn the lesson for myself as well. How many years does it take to unlearn a lesson that's been taught to you for 20+ years? Hopefully I'll learn it before I die.
It's not that I am consciously holding back when I'm with my momma friends, it's like the pre-momma side of me just doesn't really appear. The problem is that whatever the post-momma side of me is, it doesn't consistently appear either. The only time I'm completely comfortable with my post-momma side is when it's just I. and I. When V. is here, he knew me then and loyally stuck by so I successfully divide myself between pre and post-momma me. Confusing, huh?
I've been waiting about 9 months to look at trikes for I.'s Santa present (she gets one from him) and so after I dropped her off at my parents' house, I went to look at some to make sure she would fit on it. Went home and ordered it online in my preferred color, $20 cheaper, free shipping. SCORE! I was so excited picturing her face when she saw it. Then, Sunday afternoon I went and picked up I. from my parents' house and the emotional upheaval began. My mom tells me she needs to show me something that they got her for Christmas and guess what? It's a Big Wheel, which is what I had been looking for but couldn't find and so settled for the trike. This thing's got lights, sounds, and buttons and if I had seen this, this is what I would have bought. I know my face just fell because my mom immediately noticed and even though we decided that they will give her it a few months from now, I still was crushed.
Maybe I'm being a baby but here's the deal. I'm trying to raise (and successfully doing so) an unspoiled, appreciative child. Also, there are 2 other children that we have to support financially so money isn't exactly flowing into the savings account. That being said, my parents are thoroughly enjoying buying lots of things for I. and that is fine by me. This is their only grandchild and I'm not going to begrudge them and it saves me having to buy some things. BUT, just a month ago for I.'s birthday, our big gift to her was to go to Legoland. When I called my parents to make sure they could go with us, my mom said that they had already planned on getting her a season pass and taking all of us to go. Yes, it saved us a bunch of money, but I no longer had her BIG present. Now, 6 mths. in the making, is her Christmas BIG present and it feels like a repeat. I feel like I was so excited only to have the rug pulled out from under me because I know she will like that other ride toy better. I mean, it has sounds, lights, buttons - come on, that's what matters to a little kid. I was so disappointed that when I showered that night, I just cried and continued sobbing at various times throughout the night.
It comes down to this: no matter what I do isn't good enough. Mentally, I challenge that but emotionally, that's how it feels. I plan for 6 months, do all my research, get what I think she wants but my parents get the better gift. I send the check to the girls' mom a couple of days late and still get grief because of it. With V. being gone the whole year, I just feel like the balls are starting to drop. I've worked hard to keep all the balls in the air - the house (needing repairs), the marriage, being a mother, daughter of a mom having health issues, finances, laundry, trash takeout, holiday decorations and celebrations (to keep I. and I's life as normal as possible), keeping myself healthy, taking care of all the pets, still dealing with the loss of Mark, etc. After this entire year, it's building up and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Then when the balls start to drop here and there about stupid, unimportant stuff (ie. the girls' check being mailed 2 days late, not cleaning I.'s tennis shoes diligently), I start saying to myself, "See, no matter how much you do, it's not good enough because the balls are still dropping."
I know I need to cut myself slack, give myself a break, and give myself credit for all the things I successfully accomplish but it's hard. I really think this is my temperament and then my parents unfortunately reinforced this self-defeating mindset unwittingly. Throughout my school years, I would bring home mostly all A's. If it was all A's and one B+, that's what they would focus on. Geez, it's no wonder that I have that line running through my head "No matter what I do, it's not good enough." That being said, I am completely aware of this and have made a conscious promise that I will not do that to I. because I already see the signs in her - easily frustrated over mistakes or unsuccessful attempts, expectation that she can do it right the first time, and thinking she can do something even though it's too advanced for her. Maybe as I give this gift to her that my parents were too young to give to me, I can learn the lesson for myself as well. How many years does it take to unlearn a lesson that's been taught to you for 20+ years? Hopefully I'll learn it before I die.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Overwhelmed and A Little Depressed
This morning was one of the worst mornings I've had in recent memory. I woke this morning to the discovery that one of the cats had filled their stomach with dry food and then chewed on a balloon ribbon which caused he/she to barf up copious amounts of food in 4 different sections of the living room carpet. I cleaned that up after I fed the cats during which time the parrot dumped his entire bowl of food on the ground and with it being tile, the food travelled everywhere.
After the girl cat ate all her food, she started licking her lips, a sure sign that she's going to throw up, so I put her in a bathroom with easy to clean up flooring for 45 minutes. She appeared fine after that so I let her out and started preparing I.'s breakfast when all of a sudden I hear the same cat yowling, meaning "I'm going to throw up NOW!" I run up the stairs, grab her and as I am running to the bathroom she projectile vomits ALL the food all over the carpet upstairs. I used every rag I had left plus tons of cleaner but I think the carpet is permanently stained. I need to get a carpet cleaner in here if there is going to be any hope so just add that to my growing list of things that need to be done.
On top of this, as I was picking up warm, wet dry food and disgusting wet food off and out of the carpet with toliet paper, I asked I. to go downstairs and bring the bottle of cleaner up to me. She snottily responded as she went down the stairs, "I'm not going to do that at all!" Needless to say, that pissed me off so I followed her downstairs, informed her that she was not to speak to me that way and that if she wasn't going to help me at all, she wasn't going to sit down here watching her tv program either - off went the tv. So I proceeded cleaning up the second barf session with a screaming, crying 4 yr. old downstairs. It's not even 9 a.m. yet. Oh and by the way, I found a piece of a leaf that this retarded cat had chewed off of a plant which is what made her throw up AGAIN.
Got us ready, head down the stairs to leave for the gym because God knows I've GOT to get out of this house, and can you believe it? Yep, it's another barf on the frickin living room carpet, this time with a small furball. Really? So I just sat down on the stairs with my head in my hands and held back tears because I am done. Done, done, done. Then I figured, "Well, the day has got nowhere to go but up.", cleaned up the barf, and went to the gym.
It did get better but I still feel so overwhelmed and honestly, a little depressed. So many things to take care of from deciding what to get people for Chistmas, ordering it online, scheduling a carpet cleaner, taking the car in for much needed tire balance and an oil change, juggling my many appts., household finance worries, and I.'s wishes that I attend certain things at school, etc. etc. etc.
All of this PLUS I have nothing (outside of good times with I.) to look forward to. I'm so conflicted about booking something in Idyllwild in case it's just I. and I who go because I think that will make V. feel more down over there. And Thanksgiving isn't looking too hopeful for him making it and neither is Christmas or New Year's. I don't cherish the thought of doing those alone - Christmas Eve and Day last year were depressing. I already know what that feels like so I'm not looking forward to that again especially since this year has been full of so much sadness and loss that is going to be magnified by V. not being here. Oh well, maybe the next 4 days will be better over in Saudi Arabia and he will make it home at least for Thanksgiving.
After the girl cat ate all her food, she started licking her lips, a sure sign that she's going to throw up, so I put her in a bathroom with easy to clean up flooring for 45 minutes. She appeared fine after that so I let her out and started preparing I.'s breakfast when all of a sudden I hear the same cat yowling, meaning "I'm going to throw up NOW!" I run up the stairs, grab her and as I am running to the bathroom she projectile vomits ALL the food all over the carpet upstairs. I used every rag I had left plus tons of cleaner but I think the carpet is permanently stained. I need to get a carpet cleaner in here if there is going to be any hope so just add that to my growing list of things that need to be done.
On top of this, as I was picking up warm, wet dry food and disgusting wet food off and out of the carpet with toliet paper, I asked I. to go downstairs and bring the bottle of cleaner up to me. She snottily responded as she went down the stairs, "I'm not going to do that at all!" Needless to say, that pissed me off so I followed her downstairs, informed her that she was not to speak to me that way and that if she wasn't going to help me at all, she wasn't going to sit down here watching her tv program either - off went the tv. So I proceeded cleaning up the second barf session with a screaming, crying 4 yr. old downstairs. It's not even 9 a.m. yet. Oh and by the way, I found a piece of a leaf that this retarded cat had chewed off of a plant which is what made her throw up AGAIN.
Got us ready, head down the stairs to leave for the gym because God knows I've GOT to get out of this house, and can you believe it? Yep, it's another barf on the frickin living room carpet, this time with a small furball. Really? So I just sat down on the stairs with my head in my hands and held back tears because I am done. Done, done, done. Then I figured, "Well, the day has got nowhere to go but up.", cleaned up the barf, and went to the gym.
It did get better but I still feel so overwhelmed and honestly, a little depressed. So many things to take care of from deciding what to get people for Chistmas, ordering it online, scheduling a carpet cleaner, taking the car in for much needed tire balance and an oil change, juggling my many appts., household finance worries, and I.'s wishes that I attend certain things at school, etc. etc. etc.
All of this PLUS I have nothing (outside of good times with I.) to look forward to. I'm so conflicted about booking something in Idyllwild in case it's just I. and I who go because I think that will make V. feel more down over there. And Thanksgiving isn't looking too hopeful for him making it and neither is Christmas or New Year's. I don't cherish the thought of doing those alone - Christmas Eve and Day last year were depressing. I already know what that feels like so I'm not looking forward to that again especially since this year has been full of so much sadness and loss that is going to be magnified by V. not being here. Oh well, maybe the next 4 days will be better over in Saudi Arabia and he will make it home at least for Thanksgiving.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
Here's the good to start things off. Mark's party went really well yesterday with all his good friends showing up as well as his parents. One friend made this really amazing banner that brought Jodi almost to tears and put big smiles on his parents' faces.
There were a lot of good stories, beer, great food, a hidden flask of whiskey (Maker's Mark of course). I did have a good time and stayed from 10:30ish til 6:30.
The bad is that now that all the events are over, I'm not sure what to do. I'm attempting to move on with normal things - cleaning, laundry, the gym, taking care of I. etc. but there is an underlying sadness and depression that no one seems to understand. It seems like unless I am sobbing (which I don't do in front of people), people around me just think I'm doing fine and am expected to act normally in all situations. It reminds me of when I was sick before but always made sure I looked good, that people just assumed I was fine. I let them assume that until it was almost too late. I'm not sure what to do about this but as of August 11th, I will be on my own again with I. for awhile so I won't have to deal with it as much. For now, I'm just exhausted by the evening and then have a ton of dreams for 3/4 of the night.
The ugly is that the train seems to be off the tracks (at least in my view) with V. He came home Wednesday night after I was already in bed and even though he knew I was still awake, he didn't hug or kiss me. We made it through the next day civilly but by that night, I basically had an intervention, reading to him a one page letter of how his lack of care has made me feel the last few weeks and how things need to change. He agreed to go see my therapist on Monday afternoon and acknowledged that every time he goes over to Saudi Arabia, he builds a wall up to survive and it doesn't come down even after he comes home. I felt like we made some headway but then Friday night came and all hell broke loose. He went to work up in LA so he could get the girls finally, the first time all summer. But then he arrived around 8pm. without the girls. I had thought that since they were coming down, we could take 1 car and then when I was ready to leave Mark's party, I'd call V. and have him pick me up. I asked where the girls were and he said they chose to stay home. I asked if it was because of Mark's party and he said "partly". That just pissed me off on so many levels that I won't go into and I made the comment that "I was so sorry I was such a pariah to the Valdez side of my life". Later I said I had better get some taxi numbers so that I could have a ride home from the party and V. made some comment "well, if you're going to drink ALL afternoon etc. etc. etc." and I went fucking ballistic which I rarely do.
I think what set me off is the perceived slur that I had no right to drink all afternoon if I wanted to, if I deserved to. It got ugly after that and while I'm not proud, I think what I said deserved to be said. My life has changed forever as a result of what I've experienced and have gone through and no time soon will I return to normal. If V. wants to act like life is status quo and keep his wall up, there will be a price to pay. Unfortunately, I feel like since I don't have the wall up, it is I that is paying the price, once for Mark and then again for V.
I just keep thinking, "like I needed this shit". That seems to be my mantra now. I thought our marriage was a team that couldn't be broken after all we've been through but now my foundation is shaken and I don't know what to think. At this time, it's extremely disconcerting and just adds to my sadness.
Monday, March 31, 2008
I Want My Uneventful Life Back Please
I know some people say their life is boring but when I say I want my uneventful, drama-free life back it's far from boring but not so emotionally exhausting. The last 2 weeks have exhausted me - some of which I brought upon myself a little but some of which is totally out of my control but affects me just the same.
A quick tally:
Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness
I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.
I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.
A quick tally:
Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness
I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.
I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.
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