Day 15 & 16

Yesterday after D. got up from morning nap, the kiddos and I went and looked at 4 houses that were for sale with the realtor.  I. had very particular observations and critiques for each one and she really got me laughing because she is even more particular about houses than I am!  Her comments were very specific and many of them quite logical.  A good sign was that at the very end she said the only house she liked was the first one which was the only one I liked too.

Today we went down to the pol for a couple of hours and Melissa and Caroline were able to come hang out for a little while as well.  As it turned out, both of us were dealing with family disagreements and drama so we were able to get some of it out of our brains, support each other, and realize that we're not the only ones going through this.  But this unpleasantness is for a separate post because I don't want it to tarnish the good of my time with my kiddos.

I told I. that she has really been a pleasure to be around this summer and that we are really having a good summer with a lot more fun to look forward to.  She was pleased that I said that and I'm pleased that she really has been acting some cheerful, helpful, positive, and fun to be around.  D. and her have been having so much goofy fun together and I have been more goofy myself with them and relaxed.  This summer compared to last summer is like night and day and that makes me so happy.

Moments Like These

It was one of those moments I may have missed as a first time mom but now as a mom of a last one, I relished the moment.  A bit of play time with D. and as usual we needed to replace batteries in one of his toys.  This is one of his favorite things to do.  When I announce, "We need to fix this."  he goes running into the kitchen where the screwdriver is kept and clamors until it is given to him.  Then we begin the fixing process together.

And that's where this story begins and ends, in the word "together".  We open the battery compartment together and while he runs the old batteries to the trash, I gather the new batteries.  This is when it gets memorable.  D. always wants to sit on my lap as I put the batteries in and tighten the screw.  His little head is right below my head; I smell his hair and feel it on my lips as I kiss his head.  After we get it fixed, it's his turn at the screwdriver and he remains on my lap.  I adjust my body so that I can see his profile because if I could, I'd sear it into my memory forever.  He is focused and as he puts the screwdriver onto the screw, his lips purse together with effort.  His thumb and forefinger on his left hand pinch together as he struggles to put the screwdriver head onto the screw.  And when he is successful, I rub his upper arm or his back to relax him a little and quietly congratulate him - "you fixed it", "D. did it!".  His lips relax enough to smile and I can see how proud he is of himself and I am proud for him. 

It is these moments that I am so grateful to be home for, to share with him, to build him up.  I pray that although he won't remember these times, his heart will remember and know that his momma was there for these moments and that she loves him very much.

Surprise Christmas Celebration

The second part of my conversation with my mom yesterday was finding out that my brother would not be around for Christmas which added to my parents' depression.  So I jumped into ad-lib mode and invited my parents over for Christmas Day.  This is huge, I've never had any major holiday at my home, whatever home I've had.  My mom didn't think that my dad would go for it but lo and behold, I talk to them this morning and they're all for it.  Waking up to no tree, no decorations or lights, and no kids until lunchtime is too much to handle and I understand that, thus the invitation for a different Christmas this year.

It's a different Christmas for us as well.  Until last year, Christmas morning was us opening gifts (excluding V.'s and mine) quickly so that V. could hit the road for the 3 hour round trip taking the girls back home.  Last year, the girls came down on Christmas Eve afternoon and drove themselves home Christmas morning. This year will be the first year that I. does not have her sisters here for Christmas morning, well excluding the year V. was in Saudi Arabia and no one was here for Christmas.  But this will be the first year that we get to stay at home all Christmas Day.  What a treat...except

For the fact that now I had to go into overdrive mode trying to provide a nice Christmas table.  This is not completely me putting the stress on me.  My father resisted a less stress Christmas dinner when I suggested it for my mother's sake citing childhood trauma and memories so I know I need to provide a sort of special ambiance for the dinner.  Luckily my mom and I discussed the itinerary of the Christmas dinner so I think we're in sync there and thank goodness for Amazon, I was able to put together a pretty Christmas table (I hope) most of which will arrive on Christmas Eve afternoon.

It's a mixture of emotions.  I'm happy for my little family because this is the first one that we celebrate just us Christmas morning.  It's not that I want to exclude the girls because that's not it.  It's having Daddy, Mommy, and 2 excited, young, Santa believing kids in the home that morning that is a first for us.  I'm also happy that V. doesn't have to drive 3 hours on Christmas morning and meet us at my parents' home separate from us.  It's looking forward to having some time to explore and play with the toys that we give them instead of having to get ready and head over to my parents' house in the morning.

Yet I feel a responsibility to make this Christmas a happy one for my parents.  As a parent and adult I can understand it's a tough one.  They had to make cutbacks (at least I hope they did) on the presents due to their financial situation.  And two out of three of their kids are not here for Christmas.  It leaves pressure on the remaining kid to make it a good one.  I thank God for my kids, their grandkids, because I think they are what will make this Christmas a joyous one for all of us.

Thankfulness

This morning I got D. up and offered him a nursing opportunity to which he turned his head away and fussed so I quickly gathered him up and we headed downstairs to get some breakfast in him. The last couple of days I haven't gotten him up at 10:30pm for a feeding since he wasn't eating so he's pretty hungry by 7am.  He ate a big breakfast which included 4 oz of breast milk in his oatmeal to try to keep him hydrated and then I put him down to play which he normally is happy about.  Not this morning, he cried and cried and I had to hold him in my lap or on my hip until it was time to head up for his nap around 8:45.

We sat down in the rocking chair and I wasn't going to offer nursing to him since he had just refused 2 hours earlier and had had a filling breakfast.  Then he pointed at the nursing pillow which was lying on the ground.  He's in that pointing stage where he wants you to tell him what he is pointing at so I said, "That's our pillow for milk."  I leaned him back against me to get ready to read to him and he shocked me by taking his hand and putting it on my chest and tugging up on my shirt.  He has never done that before.  Well, I needed no additional encouragement and to my surprise, he began nursing.  The effect it had on him was immediate.  His eyes half closed and his hand began gently moving up and down my arm.  D. is a real boy-boy and while he does like to be hugged and held and give kisses, he often times follows up these nice things with a bite, or a pinch, or a hair pull - not very gentle at times.  But he was back in his secure, happy place and I could feel his whole body just relax, really relax for the first time in days.  It was a miracle.  How did I feel?  Nervous at first that he wouldn't have enough patience for the milk to let down but then I could see that he was just happy to be back in the crook of my arm and sucking so I relaxed and enjoyed and thanked God.

Out of all this, we did reduce feedings by one, the 10:30 feeding, which is a nice one for me to have eliminated especially with school starting next week and the alarm going off earlier.  I can get in bed and relax reading earlier to compensate for the earlier wake up time.  I'm not looking to breastfeed D. until he's 3 or until I feel ready to stop.  I'm just wanting to do it gradually so that neither of us is emotionally bereft like we both were these last 4 days.  Of course there are times when I dream of a Vegas trip or a weekend away but he's still really young and Vegas or Laguna Beach or wherever will still be there when I'm able to go.  Having D. at this age and experiencing our bond will not be.  I will blink my eyes and he'll be taller than me, with a deep voice and a hairy chest if he's anything like his father and I'll wonder where the time went.

So for now, we'll continue and make changes in our own time.  

It's Approaching

D.'s first birthday is quickly approaching and I feel like each day it's approaching more quickly.  His actual birth has been on my mind lately and each time I think about it, I'm so thankful for having that experience, our beautiful experience.  Getting to do it the way I really wanted to was such a blessing and I'll just never forget it.

I've also thinking a lot about the days just before he was born probably because next week is VBS.  I remember fervently praying that I would make it past VBS so that I. could attend the whole thing uninterrupted.  And I did, by a matter of hours.  I was having some contractions that last VBS day but was still a couple of weeks away from his due date so I didn't get too concerned.  But the day after VBS, I. and I went to my doctor's appointment where I was told there was no change and that it looked like I still had a couple of weeks to go even though I was having contractions.  Then we walked over to the cafeteria to have lunch, which was a big deal to I., because I had to have the stress test in the afternoon.  During the stress test, I. played video games and I laid there listening to D.'s heart beat and feeling him thrash around in my belly.  The nurse came in and looked at the paper strip and made a comment about all the contractions I was having.  Afterwards as we were walking back over to the doctor's office, a contraction hit strong enough to make me stop, grab my belly and have to catch my breath.  That's when I thought, oh boy I think this might be the start of the real thing...which it was.

And now I'm looking at the box just delivered today full of D.'s first birthday decorations and I just cannot believe how fast this year has gone.  It's been so full of joy, happiness, and a deep contentment and knowing that I/we have truly been blessed by D.  He brought a completeness to our family and to each one of us individually and does so every single day.

Contemplation

My mom's birthday was yesterday so the morning was hectic trying to take care of things that would make her feel special.  She doesn't enjoy birthdays so she calls it her "happy day" but the rest of us treat it as a birthday.  The day before I had put in an order for flowers so yesterday after D. got up from his nap, we went and picked them up, then went to a bundt store cake to pick up a nice little cake that I decorated with additional flowers.  Then it was off to get I. from school early so that we could make the 30 minute trip to pick up my mom.  By this time, D. was getting fussy because it was quickly approaching time for a nursing and nap, one that he was not going to get that day.  We got to my parents' house, ran in, "threw" the cake to my dad, got I. changed into a dress and then headed to a nice restaurant that I had picked out.  The view was great, the ambiance was nice, the food really good.  My mom was so pleased that I got her flowers which we brought in to enjoy as the table's centerpiece and she had a good time.  After that, we went back to her house where we enjoyed the cake and presents.  D. hung in there with intermittent nursings throughout the afternoon and then we were back on the road to tackle getting them in bed.  All in all, it went really well.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted and kind of down though.  I think it was because of all the logistics and the running here and there that I didn't really feel as though I enjoyed it.  Of course the whole point was that my mom enjoy it and I think she did.  Anyone who really knows me though understands that I really try to be in the moment and consciously concentrate on enjoying these moments.  And I don't think I was successful in that yesterday.

Last night as I read some books on the IPad during D.'s late night feeding, I came across a couple of points that really hit home.  A sentence in a book called "Holy Parenting:  Making the Common Sacred", when talking about raising little ones said,"Instead of running off to the gym or to the store, maybe this morning you could practice the spiritual discipline of presence, the simple act of being with someone else, with no agenda, reflecting love and affirmation."  I like that sentence - the concept of just being with D. and I. "reflecting love and affirmation".  What more could they need than those two things?  I'm going to be keeping that phrase in mind.

The other concept was from "The 18 Rules of Happiness: How To Be Happy" and was to be grateful for what we have and how that will ultimately make us happy.  So simple a concept but one that still has to be put into practice until it becomes a natural habit.  I think since D. was conceived and born, my gratefulness quotient increased immensely.  Not that I wasn't grateful for I. because I was but with her, I may have taken things more for granted, ie. no problem conceiving a child, no problem nursing her, etc.  D.'s conception was hard to come by and only after we had given up.  His birth was tremendously hard yet exactly what I was hoping for in the end.  Nursing was a huge issue for the first several months and most people would have probably given up yet 7 months down the line, I'm still able to enjoy and celebrate nursing D.  His temperament is still beyond belief and the fact that we have a little boy in our family of girls amazes me every day.  These little things are what I'm grateful for.  I'm thankful for the big things too but my day is so filled mostly with the little things that if I wasn't grateful for them, I wouldn't be grateful very often.  I think that's been the difference between my first go at motherhood and this one.  Before I would hold off on true gratefulness until the situation of things in my life was perfect.  I see now that I missed out on a lot of happiness if I had just taken joy in what I did have instead of waiting for the rest to fall into place.  That's something I'm going to try hard not to repeat.

And by the way, I don't just read self-help books - I'm also reading 2 other books on the IPad, a police procedural book and a historical fiction book as well.  Really, I don't contemplate the lint in my naval all the time, just some of the time.