Contemplation

My mom's birthday was yesterday so the morning was hectic trying to take care of things that would make her feel special.  She doesn't enjoy birthdays so she calls it her "happy day" but the rest of us treat it as a birthday.  The day before I had put in an order for flowers so yesterday after D. got up from his nap, we went and picked them up, then went to a bundt store cake to pick up a nice little cake that I decorated with additional flowers.  Then it was off to get I. from school early so that we could make the 30 minute trip to pick up my mom.  By this time, D. was getting fussy because it was quickly approaching time for a nursing and nap, one that he was not going to get that day.  We got to my parents' house, ran in, "threw" the cake to my dad, got I. changed into a dress and then headed to a nice restaurant that I had picked out.  The view was great, the ambiance was nice, the food really good.  My mom was so pleased that I got her flowers which we brought in to enjoy as the table's centerpiece and she had a good time.  After that, we went back to her house where we enjoyed the cake and presents.  D. hung in there with intermittent nursings throughout the afternoon and then we were back on the road to tackle getting them in bed.  All in all, it went really well.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted and kind of down though.  I think it was because of all the logistics and the running here and there that I didn't really feel as though I enjoyed it.  Of course the whole point was that my mom enjoy it and I think she did.  Anyone who really knows me though understands that I really try to be in the moment and consciously concentrate on enjoying these moments.  And I don't think I was successful in that yesterday.

Last night as I read some books on the IPad during D.'s late night feeding, I came across a couple of points that really hit home.  A sentence in a book called "Holy Parenting:  Making the Common Sacred", when talking about raising little ones said,"Instead of running off to the gym or to the store, maybe this morning you could practice the spiritual discipline of presence, the simple act of being with someone else, with no agenda, reflecting love and affirmation."  I like that sentence - the concept of just being with D. and I. "reflecting love and affirmation".  What more could they need than those two things?  I'm going to be keeping that phrase in mind.

The other concept was from "The 18 Rules of Happiness: How To Be Happy" and was to be grateful for what we have and how that will ultimately make us happy.  So simple a concept but one that still has to be put into practice until it becomes a natural habit.  I think since D. was conceived and born, my gratefulness quotient increased immensely.  Not that I wasn't grateful for I. because I was but with her, I may have taken things more for granted, ie. no problem conceiving a child, no problem nursing her, etc.  D.'s conception was hard to come by and only after we had given up.  His birth was tremendously hard yet exactly what I was hoping for in the end.  Nursing was a huge issue for the first several months and most people would have probably given up yet 7 months down the line, I'm still able to enjoy and celebrate nursing D.  His temperament is still beyond belief and the fact that we have a little boy in our family of girls amazes me every day.  These little things are what I'm grateful for.  I'm thankful for the big things too but my day is so filled mostly with the little things that if I wasn't grateful for them, I wouldn't be grateful very often.  I think that's been the difference between my first go at motherhood and this one.  Before I would hold off on true gratefulness until the situation of things in my life was perfect.  I see now that I missed out on a lot of happiness if I had just taken joy in what I did have instead of waiting for the rest to fall into place.  That's something I'm going to try hard not to repeat.

And by the way, I don't just read self-help books - I'm also reading 2 other books on the IPad, a police procedural book and a historical fiction book as well.  Really, I don't contemplate the lint in my naval all the time, just some of the time.

Reflections

It's a good thing I went to bed early (turning light off at 10:30) because this morning I. was up crying at 5:50 with a bad dream. The good news was that meant she must have been sleeping later than she normally does. The bad news is that this was an hour before I needed to wake up and I couldn't go back to sleep.

There's so much going on in my mind but I can't post about it, not yet. I've got to mull things around some more before writing. The key is to stay busy and on that note, we're getting ready to head to Legoland for the day, just Momma and I. Hopefully with most kids in school today, it'll be uncrowded and we can just run around like a couple of banshees and have fun.

I will say this...I'm very glad that I have stuck to my mindset of doing things with I. now rather than assuming I'll have time someday to do them with her. Elizabeth Edwards' death reminded me of this in a big way. You cannot take one on one time with your child for granted. In the daily routine and grind, sometimes it is hard to stop, step back, and appreciate the time you have with your child. But I'm glad I have and will continue to do so as much as possible.

Here's To A Better 2010

Tonight is our last night of our vacation and I. and I have had some really good times. Yesterday, we took the tram up to the snow above Palm Springs and had fun playing in the snow, building mini snowmen, and just sharing another "first" together. Today we went to The Living Desert which is a sort of small zoo and gardens here in Palm Desert. Though I've been coming to the desert ever since I was in elementary school, I have never been because it's always been over 100 degrees when I've been here. So today was another "first" that took place on the 1st as it so happens. It was the perfect size - we saw all the animals, hiked around some of the gardens and paths, went on the carousel, and shared lunch and a popsicle. When we got back to the condo, we even had some time for I. to tool around on her tricycle. A really good day, a really good vacation overall.

I think that this vacation did just what I was hoping it would do - give me something to look forward to, a change of scenery and pace, a break from laundry, trash, and pet responsibilities, and a chance for I. and I to do some things out of the ordinary. I feel like I got enough breathing room to approach next week's routine of school, errands, and responsibilties with renewed energy and patience. I thanked V. tonight for allowing us to do this.

A new year, new hope, new goals...usually I have a hard time thinking up specific resolutions but not this year. I don't know if that's a sign that I've been really screwing up this past year or what but this is a new year so here it goes. My resolutions are:

1. Take a multivitamin every day.
2. Try to eat more well-rounded every day (not just protein bars and shakes).
3. Put more of an effort into cooking a nice meal when V. is not here, even if that means leftoevers for a few days (which is fine with me).
4. Reduce my alcohol intake.
5. Enjoy the present each day. Make my mantra throughout the day be "This is the first day of the rest of your life." I thought this was a more positive take than "This may be the last day of your life." But the thought behind it is essentially the same.

I notice that my resolutions do not include anything about my roles as a wife and mother. Probably nothing as a wife because the past year, all I've been doing is supporting from a long distance, remaining loyal and faithful and basically just hanging in there. Until I see what this year holds, my goals remain the same. On the mother front, I feel like I'm doing a good job. Not perfect, but 99% of the time, my heart is in the right place and I consistently communicate to I. how much I love her, like her and am proud of her. On the flip side, I run a tight ship when it comes to discipline. I don't spank her, rarely yell these days but I do expect her respect without attitude. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of teaching her how to handle the harsh realities of life with a blend of empathy, love, and a "screw you, I don't need you anyway" type of attitude all rolled into one. Of course, I don't say the "screw you" part but just as little boys often learn first how to stick up for themselves physically, I think it's important for my little girl to learn how to be emotionally strong to withstand the coming (and in some cases, they have already come) blows to her compassionate, kind, sweet, and loving spirit. It's too bad that she has to learn this but as a female, I know she WILL need to learn this and better to learn now than to be sheltered and then be completely unprepared for life's cruelties.

My last resolution will be the toughest but the one that I am really most committed to because I think it will really help me and everyone around me. It's truly a mindset adjustment but an important one and one that I think people learn when they are faced with sickness or as they get closer to death. I would like to reap the benefits of this lesson while I am still young enough to make a difference and enjoy it. So here's to living in the here and now, making a difference minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. What happened in the past has shaped me but it's gone so I don't need to dwell on it. The future is full of things I don't know and probably can't change anyway so why should I worry about it? This is SO opposite my nature but that's why I want to really try to change it. It's going to be a daily mind adjustment...I'll let you know how it goes.

Kickback Day in Palm Desert

Yesterday was a physically exhausting day what with packing, cleaning the cat room and equipment, carrying everything down 3 flights of stairs, loading the car, driving 2 hours, and then unloading the car including carrying everything up another flight of stairs. I was pooped and not looking forward to Saturday when I'll have to do it all again.

Today, I planned a kickback day for I. and I to just bum around, relax, and play because we don't get to do that enough when we're at home because there is always something that needs to be, an errand to be run etc. So to have no plans except for an early Mexican food dinner was heaven. We leisurely got ready and then we went on a tricycle ride and after that, a walk around the complex. Lunch and then we did puzzles out on the patio since it had finally warmed up to above 60 and played with all the other toys we had brought. The day was filled beautiful sunshine, cool air, fluffy white clouds, the giggles of a little girl and the smile of her momma loving to watch her. Yes, we both did miss V. but trying to enjoy the opportunity we have while we're here in Palm Desert. For I., it comes naturally that childlike ability to really enjoy each moment rather than looking forward, backward, anywhere but at the very moment. Today I was really able to do it and both I. and I benefitted from it.

The trick is to do this when I'm at home in my normal life. Sounds like a resolution to me...

Way Too Long

I know, it's been a long time and you know what, I really have no excuse. It's not that anything stressful or horrible has been going on, it's just been a kind of steady normal around here. V.'s been back a few weeks now and doesn't have a plane ticket booked out of here yet so that's a good sign. I've noticed though when things are going "steady normal" is when I have a hard time writing. It's when things are swirling clockwise down the toliet bowl of life that I have the easiest time blogging. The writing becomes my lifeline, my digestion process of all the crud that has been force fed to me and the end result is a posting. I guess that makes a posting a turd of sorts! SORRY! I know that was over the top disgusting and probably uncalled for but it made me chuckle to myself how a logical stream of thought always seems to end in a scatalogical fashion. Be sure and look that word up - it's a hoot.

I'd like to blame this all on I. since at 3 years old, poop is always a hilarious topic. Unfortunately, if I'm being honest with myself, it's always been part of my sick humor. But if it gives me and maybe some other sick individual a chuckle in the middle of the day, then it's a good thing. I really do want to post more often and I'm going to try to do it.