My days can be tiring, both physically in keeping up with D. and emotionally in navigating I.'s moods and daily frustrations. V.'s work schedule has ramped up this year and right now we are in the middle of a really busy work time. Aside from a few hours on Wednesday night for my birthday, V. has been gone since Monday and I don't know if I'll see him before next Friday when I have planned a long weekend in Laguna Beach as a belated birthday break for me. My BBB! He was supposed to be home this afternoon but it's not going to happen. I. is going to be really disappointed, even more so than I.
Aside from all this, I've had a predominant thought in my mind for the past couple of months and it is this: this is the best time of my life. Really. Truly. Do I get frustrated, lonely, tired, and angry at times? Yes. But looking at the great scheme of things of where I've been and where I am now and I can unequivocally say that This is it. What I always hoped for, dreamed of, and now am getting to enjoy.
It's not perfect - I'd like to be able to have V.'s company a lot more, it makes our connection so much easier and comforting. Really though when is it ever perfect? Waiting for perfect means it'll never come. Acknowledging that my life is really happy and fulfilling 99% of the time and concentrating on each moment as it comes is important and leads to realizing how great this time is now. Life passes by so quickly and my kids will only be young and with me for so short a time. Taking alone time for V. and I reconnects us and by doing it more often, we fall in mental sync (i.e. saying the same thing at the same time) within 20 minutes.
I'm almost to the point of being thankful for Saudi Arabia because I really think it showed both of us that we could have lost what we had and how far off the path we had gotten. More importantly, it has provided both of us a point of reference of where we cannot get to again and in my case, where I refuse to ever even get close to. It's made me like the canary in the coal mine. I even smell emotional disconnect and the walls being erected and I'm like my parrot, Hootie, when he goes into his shrieking, car-alarm mode. Almost thankful but not quite yet; maybe in a couple more years.
Showing posts with label realization. Show all posts
Showing posts with label realization. Show all posts
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Only Child Insight
I read an interesting blog on the NY Times tonight about an only child. I won't go into the whole article but two sentences caught my attention and made me say, "Yep, that's right."
"Only children are experts at understanding what adults want....The parental mirror of acceptance has been reflecting back all their lives."
It made me think about how I was raised and how in most ways it was great but in some ways it accelerated my development and made me grow up fast emotionally. Taking on responsibility way ahead of time and being treated as an adult before I should have been. I think it's made me feel more responsible for things than I should be. I shouldn't have felt responsible to fix my sister. I shouldn't have felt responsible to rescue my brother. I shouldn't have been the only shoulder for my parents to cry (and collapse) upon.
Things are different now, healthier, but I can see as my children need me to help them learn how to deal with emotions that the damage is there. I struggle with things that I suspect other mothers deal with handily. That which confounds me as a mostly "only" is natural to a child with siblings. When your siblings start appearing when you are 13, you've lost most of the siblings lessons especially when you are encouraged to be a second mother.
Good side of all this is that I really don't feel any guilt or obligation about leaving my kids with my parents. After all those weekly date nights and anniversary weekends that they took not to mention all the other babysitting I did while my mom did errands, I have no problem asking them to take I. and now D. for a few days. And that's a positive thing.
"Only children are experts at understanding what adults want....The parental mirror of acceptance has been reflecting back all their lives."
It made me think about how I was raised and how in most ways it was great but in some ways it accelerated my development and made me grow up fast emotionally. Taking on responsibility way ahead of time and being treated as an adult before I should have been. I think it's made me feel more responsible for things than I should be. I shouldn't have felt responsible to fix my sister. I shouldn't have felt responsible to rescue my brother. I shouldn't have been the only shoulder for my parents to cry (and collapse) upon.
Things are different now, healthier, but I can see as my children need me to help them learn how to deal with emotions that the damage is there. I struggle with things that I suspect other mothers deal with handily. That which confounds me as a mostly "only" is natural to a child with siblings. When your siblings start appearing when you are 13, you've lost most of the siblings lessons especially when you are encouraged to be a second mother.
Good side of all this is that I really don't feel any guilt or obligation about leaving my kids with my parents. After all those weekly date nights and anniversary weekends that they took not to mention all the other babysitting I did while my mom did errands, I have no problem asking them to take I. and now D. for a few days. And that's a positive thing.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
One Day At A Time
My day at the spa was wonderful. I quietly hung out by myself, reading and relaxing, as I rested my feet in the whirlpool and hung out in the dimmed relaxation room awaiting my massage appointment. The massage felt really good but I have to admit that I am looking forward to a complete massage, not one that avoids all the feel good places that could trigger contractions. I hung out there for about 4 hours and drove home in the late afternoon when usually I'm putting Isabella in the bath and bed. The hubby and I also scored on 2 date dinners which is unheard of and provided a nice hang out time for us.
I also happily got belly pictures taken with I. this week so that I can remember this basketball belly and how I. and I shared this exciting time together. I haven't seen the pictures but I am hopeful that many of them turned out well. I seem to take good pictures with I. Must be the love shining through...
Yesterday we took I. to the circus and had a great time. The looks on her face were priceless and I found myself surreptiously watching her face instead of the circus. I really enjoyed every moment of it. And to cap it off, as soon as it ended, I. gave me and V. two big hugs of thanks which really warmed my heart. It's always a balance of giving your kid a lot without giving too much and lowering their appreciation quotient.
Sleep is proving more difficult as the days go by. My hips are hurting for lying on my sides all night and I've been waking up from weird, chaotic dreams thanks to burning pains in my rib cage thanks to the little guy exerting constant pressure on it. He moves all the time just like he always have but I can tell the movement is more limited so he is definitely still growing and running into space issues. Aren't we all running into space issues? I'm having a difficult time getting my head around the fact that he may be here in as soon as 2 weeks, maybe 3. It's hard for me to picture for some reason. A big part of me is a little melancholy that he will no longer be inside me. For all the uncomfortable moments, it truly is a miracle when he and I are able to interact during this time and since it will be the last time, and I know that (or it had better be the last time!), I'm starting to become wistful about it. I wish this wasn't part of my temperament but it just is and I will just have to roll with it and concentrate on enjoying all of this last month's experiences fully.
I also happily got belly pictures taken with I. this week so that I can remember this basketball belly and how I. and I shared this exciting time together. I haven't seen the pictures but I am hopeful that many of them turned out well. I seem to take good pictures with I. Must be the love shining through...
Yesterday we took I. to the circus and had a great time. The looks on her face were priceless and I found myself surreptiously watching her face instead of the circus. I really enjoyed every moment of it. And to cap it off, as soon as it ended, I. gave me and V. two big hugs of thanks which really warmed my heart. It's always a balance of giving your kid a lot without giving too much and lowering their appreciation quotient.
Sleep is proving more difficult as the days go by. My hips are hurting for lying on my sides all night and I've been waking up from weird, chaotic dreams thanks to burning pains in my rib cage thanks to the little guy exerting constant pressure on it. He moves all the time just like he always have but I can tell the movement is more limited so he is definitely still growing and running into space issues. Aren't we all running into space issues? I'm having a difficult time getting my head around the fact that he may be here in as soon as 2 weeks, maybe 3. It's hard for me to picture for some reason. A big part of me is a little melancholy that he will no longer be inside me. For all the uncomfortable moments, it truly is a miracle when he and I are able to interact during this time and since it will be the last time, and I know that (or it had better be the last time!), I'm starting to become wistful about it. I wish this wasn't part of my temperament but it just is and I will just have to roll with it and concentrate on enjoying all of this last month's experiences fully.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
This Time Around is Different
They say that your second pregnancy is different than your first. You already have been through it and are distracted and busy with your first one so you don't have as much time to ponder the ins and outs of daily pregnancy. In a way, this is true.
Last night, I got out one of the pregnancy books to see what this week held for me and the baby. When I was pregnant with I., those books were piled up around the house and I would look at them daily. I can't do that this time around, not because I don't have time to look at them, but because I. is so doggone observant that she would be asking why this book with a baby on it was lying around. Then she would proceed to look through it and ask about all the pictures. I'm afraid of what the next topic of conversation would be with her.
I don't want to tell her yet because it's still a long time off. I also don't want to tell her yet because she is finally open and excited about getting a bed and moving out of the crib. Finally, I don't want to tell her because we're still having issues with potty training, though at this point in the process, I'm not sure that it can even still be called that. She went a whole 30 days (from Christmas to just a few days ago) dry, no accidents. I didn't want to say anything to jinx it. Then all of a sudden, she's peed in her pants for no apparent reason 3 out of the last 5 days. She's not sick, tired, no changes to her life or schedule - don't ask me, I don't friggin' know. What I do know is that when I picked her up from the gym and saw that she was completely wet, it irritated me to no end and I really didn't even want to speak to her. I know that sounds horrible but please, it's been since June 2009 that I've been dealing with this. To put it in perspective, I was concerned about getting her potty trained in time for preschool and now I'm concerned about getting her potty trained for kindergarten, when she'll almost be 6. I don't know any mother who would have that much patience for one continuous topic for that length of time.
Anyways, back to the topic I meant to talk about - I got the book out last night and was blown away that the baby was already 2 inches long and that my uterus was the size of a grapefruit. It hit me - I'm pregnant. Isn't that weird? You would think when they took 7 vials of blood out of me yesterday afternoon for the first round of tests that I would know I was pregnant. I mean, I know it pretty much every minute of the day but it really hit me when I read about these sizable measurements. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that no one really knows so it's not a daily topic of conversation. So maybe once it's common knowledge out there, it'll feel more like the first time around. We'll have to see.
Last night, I got out one of the pregnancy books to see what this week held for me and the baby. When I was pregnant with I., those books were piled up around the house and I would look at them daily. I can't do that this time around, not because I don't have time to look at them, but because I. is so doggone observant that she would be asking why this book with a baby on it was lying around. Then she would proceed to look through it and ask about all the pictures. I'm afraid of what the next topic of conversation would be with her.
I don't want to tell her yet because it's still a long time off. I also don't want to tell her yet because she is finally open and excited about getting a bed and moving out of the crib. Finally, I don't want to tell her because we're still having issues with potty training, though at this point in the process, I'm not sure that it can even still be called that. She went a whole 30 days (from Christmas to just a few days ago) dry, no accidents. I didn't want to say anything to jinx it. Then all of a sudden, she's peed in her pants for no apparent reason 3 out of the last 5 days. She's not sick, tired, no changes to her life or schedule - don't ask me, I don't friggin' know. What I do know is that when I picked her up from the gym and saw that she was completely wet, it irritated me to no end and I really didn't even want to speak to her. I know that sounds horrible but please, it's been since June 2009 that I've been dealing with this. To put it in perspective, I was concerned about getting her potty trained in time for preschool and now I'm concerned about getting her potty trained for kindergarten, when she'll almost be 6. I don't know any mother who would have that much patience for one continuous topic for that length of time.
Anyways, back to the topic I meant to talk about - I got the book out last night and was blown away that the baby was already 2 inches long and that my uterus was the size of a grapefruit. It hit me - I'm pregnant. Isn't that weird? You would think when they took 7 vials of blood out of me yesterday afternoon for the first round of tests that I would know I was pregnant. I mean, I know it pretty much every minute of the day but it really hit me when I read about these sizable measurements. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that no one really knows so it's not a daily topic of conversation. So maybe once it's common knowledge out there, it'll feel more like the first time around. We'll have to see.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Easy Decision
I met with the other doula this morning, a very nice lady who seemed to be experienced and competent. It was funny though, I almost immediately knew when I met with her that I would go with the first one. It was one of those intuitive feelings where you just know right off the bat what is right and then it's later when you start putting little things together that you realize why you knew. I don't want to say what wasn't right with the second doula because it wasn't really that she wasn't right. It was that she made me immediately see why the other one was righter. The grammar in this post is pretty atrocious but these made up words communicate things better.
Yesterday, when I saw the first doula, I felt calm. She was visibly soothing to me. Weird, huh? It's hard to explain but like I said yesterday, she had this calm, peaceful aura about her even before she spoke. She offered to buy me a beverage at Starbucks (where we met) which was nice and she complimented me on how well I looked for being almost 10 weeks along. Since right now I don't look particularly pregnant, just bulky and thick, I really appreciated that and it made me feel proud of myself. And you know, that's part of a doula's job in the thick of things - to make you have pride and feel confidence in yourself that you can do this labor thing. So it gave me a little sneak peek.
Another thing was that she only takes on one mother a month. Today's doula takes on four a month and talked about "building her business". Now I understand that this is her business and that's fine with me. But when the other one was talking, I could feel that she wasn't in it as a business (obviously not if you only take one person a month). She was it because she loved it and felt it was her life's calling/work. Her face and tone of voice radiated this and I just felt a warmth when she spoke about it.
Now, am I going to tell V. all of these warm fuzzy feelings that went into this decision? Absolutely not. Oh my gosh, he would probably go into convulsions and never recover. I mean, trust me, I've been through labor before and even with this doula, I'm not picturing that it's going to be some big long kumbaya moment. But if I was to tell V. all of this, that's what he would picture and be dreading it. For all his teasing, he is fine with it. He knows I'm not really good about asking for help and that if I think this will help, it must be worthwhile. He also knows that I don't make decisions lightly nor do I spend hundreds of dollars without a really good reason based on research, pros and cons, and my gut instinct. It's maybe once a year or every two years that I announce a big ticket purchase and believe me, I have the list of reasons why we should. Not that he requires that of me but that's how both of our minds work and it saves lots and lots of "should we? shouldn't we?" conversations that neither of us has the words left over for and energy to participate in. We both just like to cut to the chase and move on.
How this turned into a dissection of our marital decision making, I'm not sure. Before I get going on some other tangent, I'm going to stop so I can relax my brain and head to bed. After my bowl of cereal with berries of course...I'm embarrassed to tell you how much I look forward to it. When V.'s not here, it's almost the highlight of my evenings. So pathetic!
Yesterday, when I saw the first doula, I felt calm. She was visibly soothing to me. Weird, huh? It's hard to explain but like I said yesterday, she had this calm, peaceful aura about her even before she spoke. She offered to buy me a beverage at Starbucks (where we met) which was nice and she complimented me on how well I looked for being almost 10 weeks along. Since right now I don't look particularly pregnant, just bulky and thick, I really appreciated that and it made me feel proud of myself. And you know, that's part of a doula's job in the thick of things - to make you have pride and feel confidence in yourself that you can do this labor thing. So it gave me a little sneak peek.
Another thing was that she only takes on one mother a month. Today's doula takes on four a month and talked about "building her business". Now I understand that this is her business and that's fine with me. But when the other one was talking, I could feel that she wasn't in it as a business (obviously not if you only take one person a month). She was it because she loved it and felt it was her life's calling/work. Her face and tone of voice radiated this and I just felt a warmth when she spoke about it.
Now, am I going to tell V. all of these warm fuzzy feelings that went into this decision? Absolutely not. Oh my gosh, he would probably go into convulsions and never recover. I mean, trust me, I've been through labor before and even with this doula, I'm not picturing that it's going to be some big long kumbaya moment. But if I was to tell V. all of this, that's what he would picture and be dreading it. For all his teasing, he is fine with it. He knows I'm not really good about asking for help and that if I think this will help, it must be worthwhile. He also knows that I don't make decisions lightly nor do I spend hundreds of dollars without a really good reason based on research, pros and cons, and my gut instinct. It's maybe once a year or every two years that I announce a big ticket purchase and believe me, I have the list of reasons why we should. Not that he requires that of me but that's how both of our minds work and it saves lots and lots of "should we? shouldn't we?" conversations that neither of us has the words left over for and energy to participate in. We both just like to cut to the chase and move on.
How this turned into a dissection of our marital decision making, I'm not sure. Before I get going on some other tangent, I'm going to stop so I can relax my brain and head to bed. After my bowl of cereal with berries of course...I'm embarrassed to tell you how much I look forward to it. When V.'s not here, it's almost the highlight of my evenings. So pathetic!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tick Tick
My time is running out, my time of wearing my "normal" clothes, more specifically my pants. I'm still fitting in them but I can feel it getting snugger. It's funny how the first time you're just dying to get into maternity clothes. I laughed when I looked in my pregnancy journal from last time and I had already put on a maternity top to wear to a function. This time, I'm trying to delay dragging that box out of the garage, the one semi-full of maternity clothes. It's not that I dislike maternity clothes 'cause I don't. Actually what I don't like is the stage I'm at now. Expanding but not identifiable as pregnant - just kind of thick in the middle. Believe me, I'm not wishing to be farther along because I know what awaits me, how fast it will go, and the infinite number of complications, logistics, and exhaustion that is at the end of this process.
I will just try to be happily "thick" and enjoy each day of being a mother of one. While I still can.
I will just try to be happily "thick" and enjoy each day of being a mother of one. While I still can.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Reflections
It's a good thing I went to bed early (turning light off at 10:30) because this morning I. was up crying at 5:50 with a bad dream. The good news was that meant she must have been sleeping later than she normally does. The bad news is that this was an hour before I needed to wake up and I couldn't go back to sleep.
There's so much going on in my mind but I can't post about it, not yet. I've got to mull things around some more before writing. The key is to stay busy and on that note, we're getting ready to head to Legoland for the day, just Momma and I. Hopefully with most kids in school today, it'll be uncrowded and we can just run around like a couple of banshees and have fun.
I will say this...I'm very glad that I have stuck to my mindset of doing things with I. now rather than assuming I'll have time someday to do them with her. Elizabeth Edwards' death reminded me of this in a big way. You cannot take one on one time with your child for granted. In the daily routine and grind, sometimes it is hard to stop, step back, and appreciate the time you have with your child. But I'm glad I have and will continue to do so as much as possible.
There's so much going on in my mind but I can't post about it, not yet. I've got to mull things around some more before writing. The key is to stay busy and on that note, we're getting ready to head to Legoland for the day, just Momma and I. Hopefully with most kids in school today, it'll be uncrowded and we can just run around like a couple of banshees and have fun.
I will say this...I'm very glad that I have stuck to my mindset of doing things with I. now rather than assuming I'll have time someday to do them with her. Elizabeth Edwards' death reminded me of this in a big way. You cannot take one on one time with your child for granted. In the daily routine and grind, sometimes it is hard to stop, step back, and appreciate the time you have with your child. But I'm glad I have and will continue to do so as much as possible.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Day Always Ends on the Plus Side
V.'s been gone over 2 weeks now and hopefully just 2 weeks to go until the next 4 to 5 weeks away after working 2 weeks here. I hate this economy with its' lack of choices and its' crappiness! Otherwise, I could just be allowed to be bitter and angry about this work separation instead of feeling as though I should just be happy we have an income coming in (which I am) but can a lonely woman just vent happily for a moment for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday I'm taking I. over to my parents' house to stay over two nights for a couple of reasons. One, I need to stand in a long line for my first choice preschool in the wee hours of the morning in a parking lot and two, it would be nice to be able to sleep blissfully during my primetime hours of 4-7am without worrying that I. was screaming for her mommy while the cats were charging my bedroom door. It really is a madhouse around here in the mornings. When V. is here, at least I feel as though I have a backup for the early morning madness so I can relax my brain and sleep til 7:30 or so. Woo hoo - what a woman of leisure!
Of course, I've already prepared myself for the fact that no matter what relaxing, pleasurable events I plan during this "alone" time and how much fun I have surrounded by silence without all the why's and look it mommy's, I'll realize sometime toward the end of the day, that I didn't laugh as much, wasn't as silly as normal, and have nearly as much fun as I would have had if I. was there. To be fair, I probably won't be dealing with nearly the amount of mess/clutter and emotional upheaval during these two days either. Yet, taking the good with the bad, when I. is with me, the day always ends on the plus side.
Wednesday I'm taking I. over to my parents' house to stay over two nights for a couple of reasons. One, I need to stand in a long line for my first choice preschool in the wee hours of the morning in a parking lot and two, it would be nice to be able to sleep blissfully during my primetime hours of 4-7am without worrying that I. was screaming for her mommy while the cats were charging my bedroom door. It really is a madhouse around here in the mornings. When V. is here, at least I feel as though I have a backup for the early morning madness so I can relax my brain and sleep til 7:30 or so. Woo hoo - what a woman of leisure!
Of course, I've already prepared myself for the fact that no matter what relaxing, pleasurable events I plan during this "alone" time and how much fun I have surrounded by silence without all the why's and look it mommy's, I'll realize sometime toward the end of the day, that I didn't laugh as much, wasn't as silly as normal, and have nearly as much fun as I would have had if I. was there. To be fair, I probably won't be dealing with nearly the amount of mess/clutter and emotional upheaval during these two days either. Yet, taking the good with the bad, when I. is with me, the day always ends on the plus side.
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