Mixed Bag This Week

The last two days of been full of conflicting emotions - joy, worry, contentedness, anxiety.  Thank goodness for the good stuff because the other stuff has been a real bummer.

On the good side of things, I. has been in a more positive mood this week and we continue on with our attitude of gratitude which has been really good and I think has softened her heart towards me and is developing a better relationship between us.  That makes me happy and it also helps greatly when I do need to discipline her.  Most of the time my approach is more gentle and she accepts it better.  Today I purposely built in time to play with D. and it was great.  We played cars for awhile and then played with his kitchen table set which he loves.  I enjoyed showing him how he could put his favorite animals at the table and pretend to make food for them and serve them.  It was neat to see him "get it" and really enjoy this new imaginative play.  What is amazing is how he will play by himself happily for long periods of time.  I had heard about kids like this but never had experienced it.  I can be doing something and he'll be happily playing in the same room or the next room.  Even tonight when I went upstairs to put I. in the shower, he came upstairs and was playing but came and told me that he wanted to go downstairs and play.  So he played downstairs with his garbage truck and car for at least 20 minutes until I went down and brought him up for a bath.  Amazing!

Still so thankful for our house...we love our bunnies in the front grass in the morning and at bedtime and a little family of birds in the backyard in the afternoon.  The kiddos and I ate a strawberry a piece off of our little plants for dessert and it was so sweet in many different ways.

I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff, just want to get it out of my brain so here it is:

• Parents' dire financial situation
• Feeling the need to insert myself into a situation between my brother and my parents
• My older cat having possible seizures possibly due to his chronic kidney disease/failure (will know more when I talk to the vet on Saturday)

I know there are only three but that first one has become a real doozy.  It probably wouldn't stress me out as much if we hadn't reduced our own savings account greatly when we bought our home and I felt like I had more latitude in helping them out.  I swear their situation has got to get better and soon.

Day 66

How bad can a day be if you spend 3 hours of it in a bathing suit?  Answer is not that bad.  I took the kiddos to LEGOLAND Waterpark.  D. and I snuck in a visit before I. was out of school to check it out and see if I would be able to do it successfully with both of them.  We went down a small slide all together at least 30 times and overall had a good time.  Towards the end, D. lost all reason and threw a full scale tantrum but it didn't last that long and since he's 2, I fully expected it.  If it had been I., it would have been a different story.  But we all enjoyed the slide time and had fun so that is a good day.

Today my dad was able to get to a doctor that I found online who was finally willing to take action and do something to solve his medical problem.  They took a pint of blood out this morning and my dad said that his brain already felt better.  They will take 3 more pints over the next 4 weeks so hopefully that issue will be resolved.

He and my mom are up in Laguna Beach at the Pageant of the Masters tonight and V. is in Park City, Utah enjoying a big dinner celebration for his new client.  I have to admit that I had a moment of loneliness and self pity that I'm here as always on the couch with no one to talk to and all my friends and family are either out and about or home with loved ones.  Speaking of that, I'm still trying to nail down actual lunch dates with my brother but it is SO difficult.  Makes it hard to not just screw this and give up but then somehow I'll be the bad guy.  Why does it seem that I always seem to be the one held most responsible for everything even if others don't uphold their 50% of the deal?

Pisses me off I tell you.

Yucky Conversation

A brief intermission in my "Days of Summer" postings.  I've been busy editing the over 200 pictures I had on my camera from the past month/month and a half.  It's so time consuming but also is nice because it brings back all the good memories and great pictures of our fun times.  But it has derailed me from my summer postings.  Planning on doing a catch up shortly.

Today has been an anxiety inducing day and now I'm not looking forward to a conversation with V. when he calls tonight.  The lesser of the stresses (kind of) is that my dad has been suffering from polycythemia which is too many red blood cells for about 5 weeks now.  That may not sound like a problem but it is, can lead to strokes, blood clots, heart and lung damage etc.  They've just been kind of burying their heads like always figuring it would get better so no real rush.  Then this morning, he gets out of the shower and looks at his ankles and all his blood vessels had broken down there so there is blood all under the skin.  So he goes for another blood test and it's even worse!  They said he needs to have 4 pints of blood removed (not all at once) in order to get the numbers to where they should be.  I got so mad and I think it finally made them take some action because hopefully he will be able to get in tomorrow and give some of that blood.

The more dire situation has to do with V.'s dad.  On Tuesday night I sent him some pictures of V. from this summer because when we were at their house, I showed him some pictures on my camera and he specifically wanted one of V.  Wednesday morning, I got an email from his mom thanking me and saying that today was the last day of the second round of radiation and that he would be starting chemo in a few days.  This was different than what V.'s brother had told us so last night when I saw his brother on FB, I checked in with him and asked about it.  Turns out that the cancer is back in his skull which is dismaying because that was really quick.  They can't do radiation to his skull for another year so chemo is the last ditch resort to trying to remove it/slow it down.  His brother was asking when V. was home because he needed to ask him a question either tonight or tomorrow.  I told him that I needed to be able to tell V. what is going on first so I'm going to have to tell him tonight over the phone and his brother is going to call him tomorrow night.  I really was hoping to wait until V. was home and tell him in person but I'm not going to interfere with his brother needing to call him either.  I guess it can't be helped but still not looking forward to it at all.

I sent his dad an e-card, kind of a funny one but more like a tongue in cheek and told him that we were praying for his strength, healing and physical comfort and signed it as his favorite daughter in law which is our joke because I am his ONLY daughter in law and he calls himself my favorite father in law.  I got an email back from him today that said,

This is let you know that your card did put a smile on my face and filled my heart with so much Love for your thoughtfulness and words. I also want to tell that the pictures you sent were great and I love them. Please give everyone there a big hug and a kiss for me. Remind my son how lucky he is to have such a great woman by his side, you are one of a kind as far as I'm concerned.

All my Love

Vic

 Brought tears to my eyes and also pain to my heart.  I asked I. to make him something today and she did so in such a big way that I had to use a manila envelope to fit it all in.  I'm feeling that heightened sense of anxiety where I just get a feel like something bad is about to happen.  I can be driving and it just comes out of nowhere and then I realize it's because of his dad and that it's bringing up what happened with Mark and it scares me because I know how fast it can happen.  One afternoon you can be hanging out and a few hours later, the death spiral begins.  On top of this, I just don't know how to help V..  This after 10 years of marriage.  But honestly, V. has no clue how to help himself let alone know how I can help him.  I'm just going to have to pray hard for insight, intuition, and patience and let God lead me in the right direction.  Kind of like the same thing I need to do about this house sale, come to think of it.

Days 39-42 aka the New York Trip

So behind on posting thanks to our New York trip.  While the trip was exciting and fun, I was really missing my kiddos after having so much fun with them in Palm Desert.  I guess there are worse problems to be had!

The New York trip was good on many different levels.  Good adult time as we interacted with other couples and were by ourselves for the few "work" functions.  Great time at the Lion King after a wonderful reception.  Got picked up from JFK by a black, top of the line Lexus with a driver - I mean come on, really?!  The dinner on Saturday was exquisite and I don't usually use that word.  Phenomenal, one of a kind.  And both of the full days we were there we walked and walked and walked.  Exploring different areas of Manhattan, jumping on the subway to travel further and just having a good time relaxing and wandering.  Both days lunch was grabbing a Sabrett's hot dog on a corner and eating it as we continued walking.

The only bummer (and it's a real bummer) was that we made a stop on Sunday over at V.'s parents house.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see them.  I was the one telling V. we should come back on Monday so we could spend Sunday with them but after being gone for so long and a new job, he nixed that so all we ended up with was 3.5 hours or so.  While we were at their house, V. hooked up his computer as soon as we got there to try and check in for his flight the next morning to Phoenix which would be fine except there were problems.  He literally spent an hour over at the kitchen table on the computer while I sat in the living room with his parents carrying on a conversation.  I have no problem with that except for the fact that his dad is sick and he kept fidgeting around the chair like he was in pain. 

Bottom line, as we found out from my brother in law as he was driving us to the airport, is that my father in law has been less than forth coming.  He didn't have a brain tumor.  He has bone cancer as a result of having prostate cancer for the past 20 years.  He could have had better treatment for the prostate cancer over the last 20 years but chose to just take a pill a day.  The cancer has spread everywhere and at this point the radiation he is receiving ( a new 12 week regimen that began last week) is only for palliative.  If they were to do a CT scan, his entire body would light up...it's everywhere.  The radiation is to just keep the pain down and he has pain meds to help with that as well.  But basically he's dying.  Literally we heard all of this as we approached the airport and we were both stunned.  I'm worried for V. because he is his father's son.  For that very reason, I told him that I would never allow him to keep me in the dark like that because it is just a horrible thing to find out that you could have done something but it's now too late.  V. was so wiped out with all that info that he pretty much slept all the way home.

I'm concerned about a couple of things.  I'm concerned for V.  How do I support someone who refuses to acknowledge situations or feelings?  How do I cope with my own memories of Mark, the pain and anguish that accompanies all of this?  How do I support and connect with V.'s dad and how do I involve I. (who is already involved) and prepare her for what is coming?   It is bringing up all the thoughts and pain of Mark.  I really like V.'s dad (and mom for that matter) and understand him because V. is  so much like him.

Good times behind us, tough times ahead.

Drama Warm Up

Oh my gosh, I don't know that I am going to make it through this day.  Seriously.  I've got to hurry and get this crap out of my brain before we hit the road to my parents' or I am liable to explode.

Got a phone call from my mom which was expected since they always call and tell us to come later than they thought.  What's aggravating off the bat though is that she leaves a voicemail telling me to call her instead of just telling me the new time or better yet, send me a text with the new time.  The reason she wants me to call is that she wants to spend 10 minutes telling me why we have to come later, all the gory details that I don't care to know and then explain how much more and what it is she has left to do.  It's stupid.

So I grit my teeth as she did indeed launch into "how many more bad things can happen to us".  I had just enough patience to deal with that as I moved through the grocery aisles to pick a few things up.  However, when I said something about putting the kiddos to bed by 6pm, she gets this whiny, wheedling tone and says, "Oh can't I. stay up and see the fireworks?  Sienna (Aaron's girlfriend's daughter who is the same age) is going to get to stay up and watch them."  I laughed and answered, "And she probably wasn't up at 4:30 this morning and probably will sleep in until 9:00 tomorrow."  She wouldn't let up and said, "Oh that's just so sad and that's going to make I. feel bad.  Why can't you make an exception this one time?"  Okay, so now I'm mad because I've tried to be nice and now she's attempting to make me feel like I'm the mean mom and I should feel bad or guilty about this.  So I told her that if I. was going to bed normally at 7:30 or something like that, I'd consider making the exception but that keeping her up for almost 5 hours past her bedtime was ridiculous and that she would be absolutely miserable the whole time plus the entire next day at the very least.  Plus, I could just count on her getting sick with a cold and then D. would get it because that is how it has worked for the past 7 years. 

I know both my parents will give me some sad hangdog look when I say it's time to go to bed and I fully expect my dad to make a comment as well.  Because that's how it's always been - if they think they know best then they will keep making comments as a team and expect you to just take it silently or finally acquiesce and do what they want.  That's what I usually did as a kid just to keep the peace and get them to let up on me.  I'm not willing to do that and frankly, I'm tired of being poked between the bars and then getting called "nasty" when I actually react to the jabs.

And honestly, I really don't give a flying fuck what Aaron's girlfriend allows her daughter to do.  She also has the kid spend the night on the couch and they go sleep together in the adjoining bedroom.  Is that a good idea?  Should I look to her for parenting advice and direction?  So bite me.

We haven't even gotten there and already there's this. 

Exhausting and Upsetting Conversation

Ever since V. has taken the new job in Arizona and we announced that we were thinking of moving to a home with a yard in our area, my parents have been making a full court press to get us to move to North County.  When I told my mom that we were considering moving I made a point of telling her we needed to be near the airport so that V.'s commute was not made worse by a long commute from the airport.  I knew when she didn't object that more would be coming which there was in the form of my father making a full court press.  I gave the reason again of why we wanted to stay in the area but obviously to no avail because they started making little comments here and there every time I saw them and yes, to be honest it annoyed me.  Why?  Because I already had stated several times our intentions and the reason behind it and still they persisted with little jabs here and there as though I hadn't made the attempt to forthright about our decision.  Kind of like, say your piece and then shut up.

With another family get together for 4th of July, I didn't want to spend that long day and night waiting for more comments.  It makes me irritable and angry so since we were talking today, I figured it was time for the talk.  I told my mom I had to be off the phone by 11:10 so I'd call earlier to give plenty of time.  Here's how the phone call went:  from 10:00-10:30, she talked about my sister, her release tomorrow and every detail of her future weeks.  Then from 10:30-11:00 she moved onto a drama filled story about my brother and his dealings with a guy I knew they shouldn't be involved business-wise with but whom they thought would be an okay guy to deal with.  This is not the first time that they've gotten involved with someone and I've stated that I don't like the sound of him, been poo-poo'd and then it turns out that the guy's an a-hole and now they're in fear of being sued etc.  So both stories were kind of irritating to me but what was especially irritating is that she knew I had a limited time to talk and this is what she wants to talk about.

Finally while D. is now up and crying because he wants me to carry him, I tell my mom we need to talk about the moving subject.  I cannot go through it blow by blow but I was tactful and restated that we needed to be by the airport and that that was the only request V. had out of this whole thing and I respected that and wanted to honor that considering that he could have asked me to move to Arizona but didn't even ask.  I also said that I felt bad that they seemed to think from what they had said that I didn't want to move close to them because I was concerned that they would be over all the time which wasn't true at all.  I said some very nice and emotional things about how thankful I was to get to spend (and the kids getting to spend) all this time with them since D. has been born.  I told her that this was stressing me out because I felt like I was having to be the bad guy with them by doing the right thing for my little family.

She responded with how overly sensitive I was to their comments and that I had asked in a nasty tone, "What does that mean?" at Father's Day when they had made a "joke".  I asked her again what the "joke" meant and I was right that it was a little private dig they had between themselves about something I said.  She said all this had nothing to do with them wanting me closer as much as it would make my daily life easier because I could just drop the kids off here and there at their house when I wanted to go do something and if I needed anything they could be there in 5 minutes.  She was defensive and just kept saying how sensitive I was to anything they said and she guessed they couldn't joke around with me.  The tone she used when she was saying all this was hurtful to me.  It was like, we did nothing wrong, it's all your fault.  Which is how it was when I was a kid and every once in awhile I didn't agree with them or showed some fight against what they viewed as the right way to think so I guess I'm not surprised.  It didn't feel any better now than it did back then.

As though it couldn't get any worse, my mom says, "Well since we're talking about what makes each other feel bad, there's something you've said 3 times that hurt my feelings too.  But 2 of those times was before you had kids so I thought maybe it was because you didn't understand but the last time you said it was 3 weeks ago." 

Now I'm not begrudging her bringing it up.  I wish she had the first time I said, or the second time or just 3 weeks ago because obviously I never would say something to purposely hurt my mother's feelings.  But to bring it today after I go out on a limb and bare my soul partially about my love for them, it felt like tit for tat and a really gut shot.  So I told her to tell me what it was that I said and this was it.  I have said when mentioning the hard times I went through (not the depression but before then) that I didn't talk to my mom about it because she had enough to handle with everything that had been going on with my sister.  My mom took that to mean that I thought she wasn't willing to give me attention nor help and that I viewed her as an inadequate mother.  She asked, "Would you say that to D. if he needed help and you were going through hard times with I.?"  I told her first of all, you were dealing with 2 minor children and I was an adult so that's a different scenario.  I was an adult, I had made my bed, and now I had to figure out how I was going to lie in it or not.  It was time to take responsibility and try to grow up and figure it out.  Secondly, they were completely and totally overwhelmed by the years of crap my sister put them through when she was a teenager (and ever since) but all I wanted to do was to help them in any way I could, to help lessen the burden.  I gave her examples of what I did to help lessen the burden, ones she can't disagree with.  I reminded her that as the oldest child, I have always been responsible, never wanting to make trouble or cause disappointment or be a burden and that's why I didn't offload my pain onto them. They were already overwhelmed by pain.  I don't know if she heard it all.  I apologized and told her I never wanted her to feel like that's what I thought and that she should have brought it up a long time ago.

I don't even know what to expect on Thursday.  I'm sure this has been the topic of conversation between my dad and her and I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him how upset and sad I made her.  Part of me feels bad but I know I shouldn't.  In  my family, if you didn't agree, you kept it to yourself or you would pay a price.  I guess I'm paying the price but I wonder for how long.

Days 8-10 & 11

So much for posting every day.  It's hard to believe that tomorrow will be Friday.  The week passed by so quickly.  I. was at summer camp at her school Monday - Wednesday and the flooring installers were here off and on throughout that time.  Both things made the week go quickly.  I was really conflicted about I. being at summer camp.  With her being at my parents' last week, I just was really missing her and feeling like I wasn't getting to spend time with her during the summer so far. 

Today she and I got some things done around the house while D. took his morning nap, played a little and did some math for fun.  Once he got up it was off to the Fair to meet my parents.  What a madhouse.  The traffic, rude people, mishandled orders, and just the crowds chipped away at my patience.  There were intermittent moments when I truly enjoyed myself and lost myself in the moment like when D. and I were on a ride together or when D. and I. enjoyed their first ride together EVER.  We ran into my friend Melissa and some of her family (we knew each other was there but it was pretty wild that we ran literally right into each other) and that was nice for my parents to finally meet her.  But then....her mom asked my mom if they lived near us or if they were visiting and when my mom said they lived in Carlsbad, Melissa's mom replied that that was pretty close by.  That when my mom just couldn't help interjecting, "Well we wished she lived closer." 

My teeth went on edge and I looked at Melissa whose eyes darted over to me and we both bugged them out at each other because we had already talked about this topic and it was like, "Oh here she goes!"  So she jumped in with how her mom and her do lots of things together and my mom said, "Oh well you must live really close to each other." to which Melissa responded, "No not really, about 30 minutes away.  She lives in Tierrasanta and I live in Escondido.  And I used to live in Scripps Ranch until I moved to Escondido."  That kind of took the wind out of my mom's sails and she dropped it but I was aggravated.  Now the time I spend with them, I'm on guard waiting for the unavoidable poke to come.  I have to talk to them before 4th of July because honestly, I can't go through another family gathering on guard.  It's making me irritable and stressed on top of just the stress of moving etc.  There just wasn't an opportunity this week to address it but I'll have to make sure there is one next week.

Tomorrow I'm planning on hitting the beach with the kiddos for a couple of hours to enjoy the cooler coastal temps and warm ocean.  I do want to make sure that D. gets down for an afternoon rest because he didn't get one today and won't get one on Saturday due to Caroline's birthday party.

V. was able to get a decent flight home tomorrow, should be home around 5.  He's been gone all week so I'm happy about that.

Only Child Insight

I read an interesting blog on the NY Times tonight about an only child.  I won't go into the whole article but two sentences caught my attention and made me say, "Yep, that's right." 

"Only children are experts at understanding what adults want....The parental mirror of acceptance has been reflecting back all their lives."

It made me think about how I was raised and how in most ways it was great but in some ways it accelerated my development and made me grow up fast emotionally.  Taking on responsibility way ahead of time and being treated as an adult before I should have been.  I think it's made me feel more responsible for things than I should be.  I shouldn't have felt responsible to fix my sister.  I shouldn't have felt responsible to rescue my brother.  I shouldn't have been the only shoulder for my parents to cry (and collapse) upon.

Things are different now, healthier, but I can see as my children need me to help them learn how to deal with emotions that the damage is there.  I struggle with things that I suspect other mothers deal with handily.  That which confounds me as a mostly "only" is natural to a child with siblings. When your siblings start appearing when you are 13, you've lost most of the siblings lessons especially when you are encouraged to be a second mother. 

Good side of all this is that I really don't feel any guilt or obligation about leaving my kids with my parents.  After all those weekly date nights and anniversary weekends that they took not to mention all the other babysitting I did while my mom did errands, I have no problem asking them to take I. and now D. for a few days.  And that's a positive thing.

Surprise Christmas Celebration

The second part of my conversation with my mom yesterday was finding out that my brother would not be around for Christmas which added to my parents' depression.  So I jumped into ad-lib mode and invited my parents over for Christmas Day.  This is huge, I've never had any major holiday at my home, whatever home I've had.  My mom didn't think that my dad would go for it but lo and behold, I talk to them this morning and they're all for it.  Waking up to no tree, no decorations or lights, and no kids until lunchtime is too much to handle and I understand that, thus the invitation for a different Christmas this year.

It's a different Christmas for us as well.  Until last year, Christmas morning was us opening gifts (excluding V.'s and mine) quickly so that V. could hit the road for the 3 hour round trip taking the girls back home.  Last year, the girls came down on Christmas Eve afternoon and drove themselves home Christmas morning. This year will be the first year that I. does not have her sisters here for Christmas morning, well excluding the year V. was in Saudi Arabia and no one was here for Christmas.  But this will be the first year that we get to stay at home all Christmas Day.  What a treat...except

For the fact that now I had to go into overdrive mode trying to provide a nice Christmas table.  This is not completely me putting the stress on me.  My father resisted a less stress Christmas dinner when I suggested it for my mother's sake citing childhood trauma and memories so I know I need to provide a sort of special ambiance for the dinner.  Luckily my mom and I discussed the itinerary of the Christmas dinner so I think we're in sync there and thank goodness for Amazon, I was able to put together a pretty Christmas table (I hope) most of which will arrive on Christmas Eve afternoon.

It's a mixture of emotions.  I'm happy for my little family because this is the first one that we celebrate just us Christmas morning.  It's not that I want to exclude the girls because that's not it.  It's having Daddy, Mommy, and 2 excited, young, Santa believing kids in the home that morning that is a first for us.  I'm also happy that V. doesn't have to drive 3 hours on Christmas morning and meet us at my parents' home separate from us.  It's looking forward to having some time to explore and play with the toys that we give them instead of having to get ready and head over to my parents' house in the morning.

Yet I feel a responsibility to make this Christmas a happy one for my parents.  As a parent and adult I can understand it's a tough one.  They had to make cutbacks (at least I hope they did) on the presents due to their financial situation.  And two out of three of their kids are not here for Christmas.  It leaves pressure on the remaining kid to make it a good one.  I thank God for my kids, their grandkids, because I think they are what will make this Christmas a joyous one for all of us.

Contemplation

My mom's birthday was yesterday so the morning was hectic trying to take care of things that would make her feel special.  She doesn't enjoy birthdays so she calls it her "happy day" but the rest of us treat it as a birthday.  The day before I had put in an order for flowers so yesterday after D. got up from his nap, we went and picked them up, then went to a bundt store cake to pick up a nice little cake that I decorated with additional flowers.  Then it was off to get I. from school early so that we could make the 30 minute trip to pick up my mom.  By this time, D. was getting fussy because it was quickly approaching time for a nursing and nap, one that he was not going to get that day.  We got to my parents' house, ran in, "threw" the cake to my dad, got I. changed into a dress and then headed to a nice restaurant that I had picked out.  The view was great, the ambiance was nice, the food really good.  My mom was so pleased that I got her flowers which we brought in to enjoy as the table's centerpiece and she had a good time.  After that, we went back to her house where we enjoyed the cake and presents.  D. hung in there with intermittent nursings throughout the afternoon and then we were back on the road to tackle getting them in bed.  All in all, it went really well.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted and kind of down though.  I think it was because of all the logistics and the running here and there that I didn't really feel as though I enjoyed it.  Of course the whole point was that my mom enjoy it and I think she did.  Anyone who really knows me though understands that I really try to be in the moment and consciously concentrate on enjoying these moments.  And I don't think I was successful in that yesterday.

Last night as I read some books on the IPad during D.'s late night feeding, I came across a couple of points that really hit home.  A sentence in a book called "Holy Parenting:  Making the Common Sacred", when talking about raising little ones said,"Instead of running off to the gym or to the store, maybe this morning you could practice the spiritual discipline of presence, the simple act of being with someone else, with no agenda, reflecting love and affirmation."  I like that sentence - the concept of just being with D. and I. "reflecting love and affirmation".  What more could they need than those two things?  I'm going to be keeping that phrase in mind.

The other concept was from "The 18 Rules of Happiness: How To Be Happy" and was to be grateful for what we have and how that will ultimately make us happy.  So simple a concept but one that still has to be put into practice until it becomes a natural habit.  I think since D. was conceived and born, my gratefulness quotient increased immensely.  Not that I wasn't grateful for I. because I was but with her, I may have taken things more for granted, ie. no problem conceiving a child, no problem nursing her, etc.  D.'s conception was hard to come by and only after we had given up.  His birth was tremendously hard yet exactly what I was hoping for in the end.  Nursing was a huge issue for the first several months and most people would have probably given up yet 7 months down the line, I'm still able to enjoy and celebrate nursing D.  His temperament is still beyond belief and the fact that we have a little boy in our family of girls amazes me every day.  These little things are what I'm grateful for.  I'm thankful for the big things too but my day is so filled mostly with the little things that if I wasn't grateful for them, I wouldn't be grateful very often.  I think that's been the difference between my first go at motherhood and this one.  Before I would hold off on true gratefulness until the situation of things in my life was perfect.  I see now that I missed out on a lot of happiness if I had just taken joy in what I did have instead of waiting for the rest to fall into place.  That's something I'm going to try hard not to repeat.

And by the way, I don't just read self-help books - I'm also reading 2 other books on the IPad, a police procedural book and a historical fiction book as well.  Really, I don't contemplate the lint in my naval all the time, just some of the time.

Emotional Hangover

Tired today.  Some of it is due to D. waking up at 4:50am, some of it is left over from last week.  A lot was going on.  Long story short, my mom had to go to the ER for a blood transfusion after losing so much blood due to female issues that she couldn't catch her breath, her heart was racing and she felt faint.  She waited far too long and could have died if she had waited much longer.  She was scheduled last week for a procedure that  should stop the bleeding permanently but after the doctor got in there, she didn't like what she saw, took a biopsy, and ended the procedure.  Last week was spent worrying that the biopsy would come back as cancerous and also dealing with the fact that regardless, my mom would have to have at the very least her uterus removed.

Thankfully the test came back negative and I was able to find some good information about the latest in hysterectomies, a robotic device that reduces recovery time and blood loss.  My mom was thankful for the info and this week will be calling to make an appointment to go to one of the doctors who performs it.  I'm going to try to attend just to help with asking questions.  Unfortunately, the other phone call my mom has to make is to the insurance company to find out how much they will cover.  Of course, with my dad being out of work for a year now, finances are a huge concern.  They are already worried about the bill coming for the ER visit and transfusion and now if they have to cover even a percentage of the surgery itself, it may be sizable.  My mom wants to put it off if possible until my dad gets a job which is not a good idea since if she starts bleeding badly, she'll be back in for a transfusion and forced to get the surgery.

V. and I are not rolling in the dough over here with two monthly child support payments and private tuition on one salary.  However, what is the health of my mom and having her around worth?  It's priceless of course.  So yesterday I brought up their thinking about the postponement of the surgery due to the money and asked V. what he thought about helping them take care of the bill.  Without blinking, he said, "How could we not?"  For all of his "backward" emotions at times, he is unfailingly generous and I love him for it.

Speaking of  "backward" emotions, I left out most of mine in this post.  Part of me is still emotionally spent from last week and I can't delve into those emotions deeply; my reserves just feel depleted still.  Suffice it to say that last week brought up memories and emotions that I hadn't felt since Mark - the fear, sadness, loss, the chaotic feeling of not being able to do anything and the frustration and anger that results from all of these things.  I was wiped out on Saturday and now today with too little sleep, it weighs down on me like an emotional hangover.

Was That Really Necessary?

My mother knows I'm a worrier by nature. Maybe not so much a worrier in the traditional sense but definitely an overthinker. I ponder things in my mind and sometimes go past that healthy line. Like things I have no control over or things that may or may not happen in the future. You know, like all those things that keep me awake in the middle of the night after getting up to use the bathroom...again. I wish my mind didn't quite work that way but on the positive side, it does help me to make wise decisions with very few past regrets. And if there are past regrets, most of them were due to a conscious choice I made and went into with my eyes wide open.

Anyways, back to my mom knowing how I am. At the end of our conversation this week, she says, "I thought I should tell you now that having 2 kids isn't just twice the amount of work, it's more like three times the amount." Did I really need to be told that? Really?! I mean she knows I'm already stressing about how I'm going to handle two kids mostly on my own so how was her comment helpful? I love my mother but sometimes....grrr. I'll just put that on the list of what not to do with I. when she gets older.

What's funny is that the letter I wrote my parents about the future family events went unmentioned. That actually doesn't surprise me all that much since my parents consistently avoid speaking of negative or uncomfortable things. Much better strategy is to bury your head in the sand and pretend that everything is okay. With Father's Day coming up soon, the topic will obviously be broached so I guess we'll just wait until that happens.

How Fun in Life is Like Married Sex

I already know that I'm overly sensitive to criticism, I always have been. I don't know if it's because I've had a problem with perfectionism or because my parents always expected it from me, most likely a combination of both. I bring all of this up because of a comment/attitude my mom made/had at the very end of our conversation today. It wasn't such a big deal in and of itself but it really is just a small example of something that has always bothered me about my parents. I'll try to simply state the comment and attitude and then dissect it ad naseum (most likely) afterwards.

My mom said she wanted to come over Monday afternoon and see I. and that she knew she had better tell me now since she knows I book in advance. I laughingly made the comment that last night, I was just "booking" something in December already. She responded, "You sound like this lady Dr. Laura had on her show yesterday. She was getting all worried and hyper about her daughter and Dr. Laura said that she just needed to calm down." I said, "I'm not worried about I. There are things I want to experience with her and I want to make sure I do before she's in school full-time." She said, "September is a long way away." and I said, "I know, but time is flying by so fast that I just want to make sure I get things planned in advance so I don't miss any." Then my mom gave this little laugh that she only does when she doesn't understand why you're feeling/thinking a certain way or why you're saying something but it doesn't really matter because she thinks it's pretty ridiculous. Everything probably would have been fine up until the laugh. I really had to get off the phone so I couldn't try to address it but it festered inside for the rest of today.

I know it doesn't sound like a big deal and in the grand scheme of things, it's not. But here's the root of it. When I was living at home, I was not really allowed to have a life outside of the family. It was all about the Family. If we had had a big family, at least it would have been a big circle but as it was, it was basically my dad and mom and about 4 crazy relatives that we tried to have as little contact with as possible. So my life was contained in a very little circle.

On top of that, my parents capitalized on the fact that I avoided at all costs disappointing them. That led to a lot of self-containment on my part. If I knew that they wouldn't like what I was thinking or how I was feeling, I just kept it inside because if it differed from how they were, they would make you feel bad about it. Here's what I'm talking about. They talk nonstop and are gregarious, sometimes loud and laugh a lot. I think that's great but it's not me. I think before I speak and many times I think a whole lot but never speak about it. My parents consider this quiet and unfriendly. I laugh especially with I. but not often. It's not that I don't think things are funny, often times I do, but I don't laugh loudly at all the things I think are funny. I'm just more reserved that way. My parents go from the highest highs to the lowest of lows and then make sure you know every gory detail of them. Me, I like to stay pretty even keel with my peaks and valleys within limits. My mother considers this milquetoast and she can't stand people like this (a direct quote). As far as gory details, I usually don't provide many, definitely none that are too emotional to me, and if I do, it will be years later after the painful issue has been dealt with.

This is how they are and I know that. They haven't changed, I've changed. I stopped caring what they thought and did what I thought should be done. If they didn't like it, "oh well, I'm not them" became my attitude.

But I. and my parenting is still a newish topic. I'm still finding my way as most mothers do when they have young children. That makes my parenting a topic that I haven't quite gotten to the "if you don't like it, kiss off" end of the spectrum. With non-family members, I do have that attitude. Even with V., my attitude is "I spend 24/7 with I. and I know her". But this is my mother and I felt like she was casting judgment on something to do with my mothering.

No, this is not how she goes through her life but that doesn't make my way wrong. When I was growing up, our bills were always paid late, checks were bouncing and not because my dad wasn't making money. It was because she was never on time with doing bills. To this day, she is still running to the bank 5 minutes before it closes to make a deposit or a transfer to cover checks. Her days are free form, errands here and there not necessarily in a straight line, not getting to do the things she wants to do because she runs out of time etc.

That's about as far from me as you can get. Just hearing about her chaos and hecticness of remembering this, forgetting about that, makes me tense. It's not just that I like structure. It's that I want to make sure that I do get done what I have to but with plenty of healthy, fun time thrown throughout my week. Errands have a way of eating up hours and hours. I like to group them together by area so that I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone. I want to maximize my fun time with I. for the next 9 months. That is a priority for me. Also, by putting things on my computer calendar, I can visually look at a week (or month) and immediately see if the week is unbalanced. Am I cramming too many errands and necessary appointments into a week which will lead to I. acting out and me stressing out? If so, I can easily delay a few things and replace it with fun. Yes, it's structured but it's not set in stone, it's a constantly and easily changing document.

The bottom line is that my calendar is a visual barometer of how healthy and balanced my personal and home life is. After Mark died, I promised myself that I would make sure to include more fun things in my life instead of what I needed to do. Fun in life, at least as an adult, is kind of like sex when you're married - if you wait to have it on a spontaneous basis, it'll never happen. You've got to put it into whatever "schedule" you've got going. That doesn't mean you'll enjoy it less, in fact looking forward to it is half the fun!

My Bizarre Mind

We had a good time with my parents today and all of it was a big surprise to I. We met them for lunch and a movie and then wandered around Barnes and Noble, a kind of preparation for my dad started work at Borders next Monday. I'm trying not to be sad about this because I know he needs the work and money but this job will not allow him the flexibility his last job had. So this was the last time we would get to spend time with him outside of birthdays and holidays until he retires. I'm not being very successful with not getting upset about this but I try to be thankful of the fact that I, as the oldest child by a whole lot of years, and I., as the only grandchild, will have gotten the gift of enjoying my parents' company the longest. Not that it's a competition, it's more a function of being appreciative of their time and attention and she and I are nothing if not that.

Back to my bizarre mind...my dad kept talking about this game he's been looking for that they used to have but can't find. He said the name at least 3 or 4 times but it didn't strike a chord with me. But then as I. was eating her dinner and I was preemptively setting up coffee for tomorrow's breakfast, a picture flashed in my head of a game that was in our closet. A game I remember my mother giving to us probably 6 years ago to take with us on a vacation but I couldn't remember the name of it. So I went to the game closet and sure enough the name wasn't exactly what my dad was saying but it was pretty darn close and the fact that my mom had let us "borrow" it pretty well convinced me that this was the game my dad had been talking about. I called their cell phones to no avail so proceeded getting I. in bed and jumped in the shower.

I've always said that some of my best thinking is done in the shower or on the treadmill so true to form, I thought, "I'll just send him a picture of it in an email and find out if this is the game." Then I started chuckling to myself thinking "I have his game and he wants it" which made me think of a kidnapping angle, which led to this visual ransom note completed with a blindfold and gag:

Needless to say, my parents just called me after seeing this, howling with laughter which sent me into chuckling all over again. It's good to know that the sicko, bizarre part of my mind is still alive and well and ready to come out and play.

Unexpected Kindness

On Tuesday, I. and I went over to my parents' house to spend the day with them. Originally, we were supposed to pick strawberries but since we had to wait until my deadbeat sister wasn't at their house every day, the strawberries are gone. Strawberry Fields ain't forever it seems.

It was a good visit, a low-key one but I left worried about both of my parents. My mom has had various health issues over the last few years. You wouldn't know to look at her and they just seem to keep coming and it's getting her down. Yesterday she had to have oral surgery with a process that will not be completed until next February; pretty major. They had to put her completely out and yesterday's surgery took a couple of hours. My dad is depressed about losing his job and especially hurt and betrayed by his so called friend dumping him on the street. He's losing weight and seems pretty fragile. It was hard to see.

Tuesday night after we got home and I got I. in bed, I thought of a good surprise that would at least put a smile on their faces. Wednesday after the gym, we loaded the car up with a homemade dinner for my dad, plus yellow roses and a balloon for my mom, and a card for both of them. We let ourselves into their house and set things up so that they'd see them as soon as they walked in. It worked and they were surprised and touched that we drove an hour RT to set it up especially since we were just up there the day before. It was worth it though.

For her next procedure, I'll plan a little better and when we visit the day before, I'll bring the dinner etc. with me then. Yeah, it won't be a surprise waiting for them when they get home but it was this time and it'll still be nice for them next time. There's nothing like unexpected kindness in the middle of hard times.

Random Topics

Note: this picture has to do with the topic two paragraphs down but I can't get Blogger to cooperate in putting a picture where I want to in my post.

Still digesting the vacation but a few things have come to the forefront of my mind in the meantime.

Even though I didn't feel very good this morning, I went to the gym and getting on the treadmill actually made me feel better. I got to catch up with a couple of my gym "peeps" and that was nice especially a conversation I had with a lady friend who has 2 kids in their 30's now. She asked about the vacation and I told her honestly how it was. She began laughing and told me that she remembered having a few of those vacations when her boys were young. Those vacations when you're working harder and more worn out than if you just had stayed home. She said she remembered looking at the pictures of the vacations and while it looked like they were a lot of fun, she knew the "real" story behind the pictures. I have to say it made me feel a lot better. It seems like I am surrounded by moms who have kids that are more flexible and less volatile when it comes to travelling and sleep. It made me feel less alone and less disappointed by this vacation.

In a completely unrelated topic, there are a lot of stray dogs in Puerto Rico which is a real shame. These dogs roam the beach, looking for food and water and people just don't seem to get their animals fixed - stupid. There was a dog that hung around the beach right outside of our condo complex and in my typical Dr. Doolittle-style (as V. calls me), he tugged at my heart. It took some quiet words and calm demeanor but finally he came over, allowed me to pet him and we became friends. If I went out on the beach in the evening by myself and he was sitting near other people, I would just go and sit on my towel on the beach by myself and within 2 minutes, he'd come over shyly and bury his head in my lap as I pet him. He was so skinny that it was painful to see and on my last night he was feeling so poorly, I am certain he isn't long for this world. V. and the girls didn't seem to understand my attachment and desire to be kind to this animal stranger. I mean after all, I was going to be leaving soon so what's the point? Plus it wasn't like he was a beautiful, clean, energetic dog. He was filthy, full of fleas on the outside and God knows what on the inside, and very little energy. Yes, I could see all that but I also sensed from the first time I saw him that he was shy, sweet, and scared. People in Puerto Rico are so used to seeing strays that they just ignore them. To me it makes even more sense to show kindness to something/someone who never receives it. That led me to thinking as I sat there with my little dog that I'm very consistent with this mindset. The mindset extending from not shying away from dirty strays to people in the last stages of death. To me, these are exactly the creatures who should be shown love, gentle caring, and kindness as they make their way through the last days. Again, working with hospice in some fashion comes to my mind and all because of a sweet, sick stray dog in Puerto Rico.

This year for Mother's and Father's Day, I wrote letters to my parents about my childhood memories and what I appreciate about each of them. Mark's death made me realize many things, one of which being that today is the time to tell those you love how much you appreciate and love them. One thing I wrote in my dad's letter is how much I appreciate how he says "I love you" at the end of every phone conversation. When I was living at home, I don't remember him saying it all the time but as he's gotten older, he's become much more verbally and physically loving. My mother was very loving towards me my whole life but due to her screwed up mother, didn't verbally say "I love you" all that much, though I knew she did so it wasn't a big deal. However, when my dad started ending all our conversations with it, it became more obvious that my mom never said it. Well, I guess she read my letter to him because this past month, every time we get off the phone she says she loves me and you know what? It makes a big difference and gives me a new, warm feeling even after 40 years of being her daughter. It also reminds me that I need say those three words more often to I. on a daily basis because it probably gives her that same warm feeling too.

The Bubbi is Coming, The Bubbi is Coming

Yesterday was a good day with my friend. Picked me up, went out to an Indian lunch which was tasty. Turns out we're the only ones in both of our families who like Indian food so we declared ourselves "Indian food buddies". We didn't have anything planned other than just hanging out so we took ourselves a drive all the way up to Carlsbad to pick up his car from the dealership (it was being serviced). We just relaxed, talked, laughed, caught up, and I got to play with his new IPad too. It was nice and totally opposite of my normal, adult-free day, which was the whole point.

Miracle of all miracles is occurring and my parents are coming over for a couple of hours this afternoon. No, I don't know what they told my sister or the logistics behind the visit. What I do know is how excited I. is to have them come over finally. They haven't been over since mid-January to help cut and transport the Christmas tree to the recycling place. It's not like they live far away mind you - they live 30 minutes away yet they haven't been here for 4 months. I. got herself dressed this morning, picking out her clothes "because Bubbi will like this ".

I think the only reason they are throwing caution to the wind and coming over is because my brother abruptly moved out yesterday. They knew it was coming in the next 3 months or so but then he told them Sunday, that he was moving out on Thursday and that threw them in a tailspin. So they are both, especially my mom, so depressed about it that they are desperate for something happy to distract them, namely I. That was why I suggested they come over. That and I. wants them to see her butterflies before we let them go. Hopefully the cats can hold it together for the visit and Fuzzy doesn't slink under the kitchen table and leave an enormous steaming pile like she did yesterday right before I fixed my dinner.

Good thing I have an iron stomach these days. Around this place I don't think I could afford not to.