It's been a busy couple of weeks. I feel the end of the school year quickly approaching and the hot breath of things that would be easier to get done before that date on my neck. The feelings of chaos, clutter, and being overwhelmed has been at my heels the past 2 weeks and a wicked, bleeding case of diaper rash for poor D. has only intensified the clamor.
All this week my normal routine has been thrown into disarray. I've been going to bed late, getting D. up late at night to change him to try to divide his night by dry diapers. I've been getting up early to limit the time his normal morning poop is resting against his butt. When he wakes up early at morning nap, I have to stop my work out and get him up to get the poop off his butt. And in the afternoon when I normally grab 1.5 hours to gather steam and get some things done, I've had to get him up as soon as I hear him whimpering. I feel so bad for my little guy as I truly understand how painful and irritating and exhausting pain in that region can be but after an entire week, I am physically and emotionally exhausted myself in dealing with his irritability and tantrums solo since V. has been gone since Sunday.
Today was just one of those uphill, backwards with a leg tied up behind me kind of day. It was so bad that even I., my non-empathy child, felt sorry for me. I was physically wrecked and emotionally done but the straw on the camel's back was a voice mail from my sister early this afternoon. Considering our history, this was not surprising. Unbeknownst to me, she's landed herself in jail and calls my cell phone to tell me that she thinks she can't come back and live with my parents because I am being selfish and having my kids live in her room a few nights of the week. And she doesn't understand why she is being isolated from the family on holidays because she didn't do anything and it must be me because I am the eldest. And she is pleading with me as a sister to let her plant her feet into her room at my parents' house and that none of this is her fault, blah blah blah. It pissed me off and exponentially added to my feeling of being overwhelmed. If I was a more irresponsible person, I would have insisted upon a night and day by myself to just detox and recover.
But I am a very responsible person and I have missed V. this week and would like to see him and my step-daughters are finally coming down tomorrow afternoon and it will be good to catch up with them. So, I take a deep breath and hope for a better day, knowing that at the very least, I won't have to get up extra early since V. is here. He'll be up at 4:30 or 5:00 so getting the kids up by 6:30 is like nothing to him. Hopefully that will be enough to hit my reset button.
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Friday, April 26, 2013
Friday, May 11, 2012
Today, The Good And The Bad
This morning was the Mother's Day Tea for I.'s school. This past month, she has been singing the songs for the program at the top of her lungs, at bathtime, in the morning before school, you name it she's singing. Then of course as the day approaches, she starts getting nervous. On Valentine's Day when they celebrated Father's Day, I. stood up front and barely moved her lips. She looked like she was ready to cry and I knew she was just overcome with nervousness. Yesterday she really started feeling scared about it but with the recent knowledge that Jesus was in her heart, I told her this morning as I fixed her hair to pray to Jesus just before she went on stage to help her not be scared and to allow her to sing. And of course to look at me because I'd be the one looking at her and I'd be smiling at her.
And thank you God because she sang and smiled even and enjoyed herself. Instead of melting down emotionally afterwards as she did on Valentine's Day, she was cheerful, happy, and energetic. It may have been her first instance of specifically praying for something and having it happen. It made me so happy to hear her voice even though I was 15 rows back, singing her little heart out. We also got to take a picture together afterwards with a professional photographer which was one of my goals for this Mother's Day - to get a picture of me with both of my kids. I don't have any and D. is 9 months old. That's just not right. Hopefully the picture will turn out nicely.
The actual lunch was nice but I didn't enjoy it that much. For one, I don't really know anyone except one mom and she left right after the kindergarten class finished singing and didn't stay for the lunch. Secondly, it took me a couple of Mother's Days to grasp the fact that for me, Mother's Day was only Mother's Day because of my kid(s). It's a day that I cherish with my kids, because of my kids. That being said, they took the kids separately to eat pizza and play while the moms sat at tables and ate. I understand that they were trying to be nice and give us some "adult" time. And trust me, I'm all about "me time" and needing adult time. Just not on Mother's Day events. So I sadly watched I. marching off with her class and then trudged into the lunch area with D. to eat my lunch, mashed bananas and wheat bread for him as I tried to eat the lunch in between his bites. At her preschool, they provided childcare for siblings and the tea was for the preschool child and the mother. I preferred it that way. I'm looking forward to Sunday, being with my girl and little guy, the reasons why I get to celebrate this holiday.
One worry, probably ridiculous but a worry nonetheless, is my continued tiredness. By 10 am I was tired and after I got home from the Mother's Day Tea and got D. down for a nap, I laid down on the couch while I. worked on cards for Mother's Day and my dad's birthday this weekend. I was exhausted and fell asleep for a half an hour. That may not sound like anything big but I don't fall asleep easily especially during the day, with I. in the same room making noise, and a cat sitting on my lap. But I did and by 5pm, I was tired again. An hour later, both kids were in bed and I was taking a shower pondering how I fell asleep this afternoon. I was thinking about the last time I felt like this and realized it was a couple of days before I found out I was pregnant with D. Birth control-wise, it shouldn't even be a possibility or maybe just a 1% chance in addition to being an older mom already. The problem is my tiredness and the fact that because I'm nursing 7 times a day, I still haven't had a period so I don't even have that to go by. I'm feeling stressed and V. is still a week away from coming home. Deep breaths...
And thank you God because she sang and smiled even and enjoyed herself. Instead of melting down emotionally afterwards as she did on Valentine's Day, she was cheerful, happy, and energetic. It may have been her first instance of specifically praying for something and having it happen. It made me so happy to hear her voice even though I was 15 rows back, singing her little heart out. We also got to take a picture together afterwards with a professional photographer which was one of my goals for this Mother's Day - to get a picture of me with both of my kids. I don't have any and D. is 9 months old. That's just not right. Hopefully the picture will turn out nicely.
The actual lunch was nice but I didn't enjoy it that much. For one, I don't really know anyone except one mom and she left right after the kindergarten class finished singing and didn't stay for the lunch. Secondly, it took me a couple of Mother's Days to grasp the fact that for me, Mother's Day was only Mother's Day because of my kid(s). It's a day that I cherish with my kids, because of my kids. That being said, they took the kids separately to eat pizza and play while the moms sat at tables and ate. I understand that they were trying to be nice and give us some "adult" time. And trust me, I'm all about "me time" and needing adult time. Just not on Mother's Day events. So I sadly watched I. marching off with her class and then trudged into the lunch area with D. to eat my lunch, mashed bananas and wheat bread for him as I tried to eat the lunch in between his bites. At her preschool, they provided childcare for siblings and the tea was for the preschool child and the mother. I preferred it that way. I'm looking forward to Sunday, being with my girl and little guy, the reasons why I get to celebrate this holiday.
One worry, probably ridiculous but a worry nonetheless, is my continued tiredness. By 10 am I was tired and after I got home from the Mother's Day Tea and got D. down for a nap, I laid down on the couch while I. worked on cards for Mother's Day and my dad's birthday this weekend. I was exhausted and fell asleep for a half an hour. That may not sound like anything big but I don't fall asleep easily especially during the day, with I. in the same room making noise, and a cat sitting on my lap. But I did and by 5pm, I was tired again. An hour later, both kids were in bed and I was taking a shower pondering how I fell asleep this afternoon. I was thinking about the last time I felt like this and realized it was a couple of days before I found out I was pregnant with D. Birth control-wise, it shouldn't even be a possibility or maybe just a 1% chance in addition to being an older mom already. The problem is my tiredness and the fact that because I'm nursing 7 times a day, I still haven't had a period so I don't even have that to go by. I'm feeling stressed and V. is still a week away from coming home. Deep breaths...
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Three Days Later
It's amazing how much can change in three days. It's not that SO much has changed probably but in how I'm perceiving it. I mean, D. is still a source of joy. How can a chuckling, beautiful boy not make your day happy? This boy giggles when I'm wiping his butt. He takes immense pleasure out of getting his vitamin D drops while he's taking a bath. And when I try to get him to take a drink of water out of a cup, it cracks him up. Honestly, how can life be a downer with this little guy around?
Somehow it still is sometimes. Part of it is me. I'm seriously tired most of the time. By the end of my mothering"workday", which is about 6pm, I am so wiped out that I have to put D. on the floor while I run his bath. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Thinking on it, I realize I don't feel this way as much when V. is here either to help or to just hang out with after the kids go to bed. Another week and a half before he's home (he's been gone for over a week and a half).
I'm frustrated with myself because D. isn't getting me up at 2am and 5 am to nurse so I shouldn't be this tired. Okay so he does wake me up at 5ish with his talking and then I may doze off until 5:45 when he lets out a primal "aaaaahhh", he's still content mind you, and then wake up again at 6:10 after a bad dream (however, he's quiet at this point) and then wake up again at 6:35 when the alarm goes off to begin the day. Not to mention the back pain the last week that had me waking up to turn over on the hour. I guess all that combined doesn't make for restful sleep...
I. lost it this afternoon and I could have sworn I was in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". She just emotionally wigged out and after her letting her cry for about 10 minutes, I resorted to threats if she didn't pull herself together right now because if she woke up D. from his needed afternoon nap, there was going to be hell to pay. She stopped crying but still wouldn't 'fess up to why she was feeling so lousy this afternoon. Things just don't bode well for me when she's 13.
I've been reading books on hormones and bio-identical hormones since my mom has been going through hell for the last 10 years and I'm determined not to suffer like her. This is kind of reading ahead material for me so I'm prepared, however, I was reading the symptoms of estrogen deficiency and several of the symptoms are what I have been struggling with (I won't go into specifics). That got me thinking so I googled what estrogen levels were for nursing mothers. Turns out they are very low to sustain nursing...hmmm. And get this, while pregnant which is when I've felt my best, most energetic and positive, is when your estrogen levels are the highest. Good to know. For now, I can't do anything about my levels but at least there may be a rational reason why I'm feeling like I do and struggling at times. I'll just continue to try to concentrate on what my body is successfully doing, namely holding the line while I still haven't been able to get to the gym (thanks to D.'s separation anxiety and V.'s absence) and nourishing D.'s growing body and immune system. I'm trying to really concentrate on the latter because I've learned from my experience with I., they can give up nursing at any time. It's hard to see that with D. because he really is into it but you just never know - better to appreciate it and bask in it now just in case.
Somehow it still is sometimes. Part of it is me. I'm seriously tired most of the time. By the end of my mothering"workday", which is about 6pm, I am so wiped out that I have to put D. on the floor while I run his bath. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Thinking on it, I realize I don't feel this way as much when V. is here either to help or to just hang out with after the kids go to bed. Another week and a half before he's home (he's been gone for over a week and a half).
I'm frustrated with myself because D. isn't getting me up at 2am and 5 am to nurse so I shouldn't be this tired. Okay so he does wake me up at 5ish with his talking and then I may doze off until 5:45 when he lets out a primal "aaaaahhh", he's still content mind you, and then wake up again at 6:10 after a bad dream (however, he's quiet at this point) and then wake up again at 6:35 when the alarm goes off to begin the day. Not to mention the back pain the last week that had me waking up to turn over on the hour. I guess all that combined doesn't make for restful sleep...
I. lost it this afternoon and I could have sworn I was in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". She just emotionally wigged out and after her letting her cry for about 10 minutes, I resorted to threats if she didn't pull herself together right now because if she woke up D. from his needed afternoon nap, there was going to be hell to pay. She stopped crying but still wouldn't 'fess up to why she was feeling so lousy this afternoon. Things just don't bode well for me when she's 13.
I've been reading books on hormones and bio-identical hormones since my mom has been going through hell for the last 10 years and I'm determined not to suffer like her. This is kind of reading ahead material for me so I'm prepared, however, I was reading the symptoms of estrogen deficiency and several of the symptoms are what I have been struggling with (I won't go into specifics). That got me thinking so I googled what estrogen levels were for nursing mothers. Turns out they are very low to sustain nursing...hmmm. And get this, while pregnant which is when I've felt my best, most energetic and positive, is when your estrogen levels are the highest. Good to know. For now, I can't do anything about my levels but at least there may be a rational reason why I'm feeling like I do and struggling at times. I'll just continue to try to concentrate on what my body is successfully doing, namely holding the line while I still haven't been able to get to the gym (thanks to D.'s separation anxiety and V.'s absence) and nourishing D.'s growing body and immune system. I'm trying to really concentrate on the latter because I've learned from my experience with I., they can give up nursing at any time. It's hard to see that with D. because he really is into it but you just never know - better to appreciate it and bask in it now just in case.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tired Day
A little melancholy today. Had a good day and evening with V. yesterday, working as a team with the kids and enjoying each other's company after they went to bed. Last week he was gone Tuesday through Friday but because there was a chance he might come home on Thursday, I made it through okay. However, this morning at 3:45am, when V. left, the garage door woke me up and my first thought was how I wasn't going to see him until Friday night at the earliest. It bummed me out and I felt it all day long.
It didn't help my melancholy when I. said at the end of the day that she enjoyed Daddy more than me because "Daddy plays with me". What?! He plays with her for about 5 minutes each weekend and that's about it. Several times during the week and for a good chunk of time during the weekend, I play with her. Not to mention that I've been the one here and playing with her for basically her whole life. Yet Daddy gets the credit. Now, after thinking about it more, I may have stumbled on why I. said what she said. I had just told her that V. was going to be gone all week working and I know she was disappointed about that so it may have been a case of "shooting the messenger" and missing Daddy. Before she went to bed, I asked her how she would feel if one of her friends told her that they had more fun playing with someone else. She answered, "Sad." I said, "How do you think it made me feel when you said you enjoyed Daddy more?" She was quiet so all I said was, "Just because I"m your mommy doesn't mean I don't have feelings." and left it at that. From her face I think she got my point. I don't want to guilt her out but I think it's important that she understands that she's old enough to be held accountable for what she says and for how it affects others, even me.
The last topic of today is my tiredness. I am really tired by the end of the day even though I am getting around 7 hours of sleep. To be honest, that is 1-2 hours a day less than I normally need so I guess that could be it. The other thing I realized tonight is that before D., when I. was in school I was able to recharge because I was by myself. I didn't have to talk to anyone, perform, or interact socially. As an introverted person, that recharges my battery. Now with D. here, when I. is at school my time is spent with him which I enjoy and cherish. I wouldn't change a thing if I could. But what that means is that I don't have much "recharge" time before I. is out of school and wanting my attention. And I want to give her my attention but some days when I get D. down for his short afternoon nap, I just really need to lay on the couch next to I. and doze off even just for 5 minutes to get enough head of steam to make it through the end of our day. Of course, she's not too thrilled with this but I let her play a video game and while I"m not thrilled with that, it gives her some down time and allows me to rest for a short time before D. is back up again.
Many days I feel as though I am doing a good job adjusting to two kids but some days it's still a struggle. Thinking it over though, I think my exhaustion last week was a function of being the only parent on hand all week. That doesn't bode well since this week will be even longer but at least my parents should be coming over for one afternoon which should help.
It didn't help my melancholy when I. said at the end of the day that she enjoyed Daddy more than me because "Daddy plays with me". What?! He plays with her for about 5 minutes each weekend and that's about it. Several times during the week and for a good chunk of time during the weekend, I play with her. Not to mention that I've been the one here and playing with her for basically her whole life. Yet Daddy gets the credit. Now, after thinking about it more, I may have stumbled on why I. said what she said. I had just told her that V. was going to be gone all week working and I know she was disappointed about that so it may have been a case of "shooting the messenger" and missing Daddy. Before she went to bed, I asked her how she would feel if one of her friends told her that they had more fun playing with someone else. She answered, "Sad." I said, "How do you think it made me feel when you said you enjoyed Daddy more?" She was quiet so all I said was, "Just because I"m your mommy doesn't mean I don't have feelings." and left it at that. From her face I think she got my point. I don't want to guilt her out but I think it's important that she understands that she's old enough to be held accountable for what she says and for how it affects others, even me.
The last topic of today is my tiredness. I am really tired by the end of the day even though I am getting around 7 hours of sleep. To be honest, that is 1-2 hours a day less than I normally need so I guess that could be it. The other thing I realized tonight is that before D., when I. was in school I was able to recharge because I was by myself. I didn't have to talk to anyone, perform, or interact socially. As an introverted person, that recharges my battery. Now with D. here, when I. is at school my time is spent with him which I enjoy and cherish. I wouldn't change a thing if I could. But what that means is that I don't have much "recharge" time before I. is out of school and wanting my attention. And I want to give her my attention but some days when I get D. down for his short afternoon nap, I just really need to lay on the couch next to I. and doze off even just for 5 minutes to get enough head of steam to make it through the end of our day. Of course, she's not too thrilled with this but I let her play a video game and while I"m not thrilled with that, it gives her some down time and allows me to rest for a short time before D. is back up again.
Many days I feel as though I am doing a good job adjusting to two kids but some days it's still a struggle. Thinking it over though, I think my exhaustion last week was a function of being the only parent on hand all week. That doesn't bode well since this week will be even longer but at least my parents should be coming over for one afternoon which should help.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Emotional Hangover
Tired today. Some of it is due to D. waking up at 4:50am, some of it is left over from last week. A lot was going on. Long story short, my mom had to go to the ER for a blood transfusion after losing so much blood due to female issues that she couldn't catch her breath, her heart was racing and she felt faint. She waited far too long and could have died if she had waited much longer. She was scheduled last week for a procedure that should stop the bleeding permanently but after the doctor got in there, she didn't like what she saw, took a biopsy, and ended the procedure. Last week was spent worrying that the biopsy would come back as cancerous and also dealing with the fact that regardless, my mom would have to have at the very least her uterus removed.
Thankfully the test came back negative and I was able to find some good information about the latest in hysterectomies, a robotic device that reduces recovery time and blood loss. My mom was thankful for the info and this week will be calling to make an appointment to go to one of the doctors who performs it. I'm going to try to attend just to help with asking questions. Unfortunately, the other phone call my mom has to make is to the insurance company to find out how much they will cover. Of course, with my dad being out of work for a year now, finances are a huge concern. They are already worried about the bill coming for the ER visit and transfusion and now if they have to cover even a percentage of the surgery itself, it may be sizable. My mom wants to put it off if possible until my dad gets a job which is not a good idea since if she starts bleeding badly, she'll be back in for a transfusion and forced to get the surgery.
V. and I are not rolling in the dough over here with two monthly child support payments and private tuition on one salary. However, what is the health of my mom and having her around worth? It's priceless of course. So yesterday I brought up their thinking about the postponement of the surgery due to the money and asked V. what he thought about helping them take care of the bill. Without blinking, he said, "How could we not?" For all of his "backward" emotions at times, he is unfailingly generous and I love him for it.
Speaking of "backward" emotions, I left out most of mine in this post. Part of me is still emotionally spent from last week and I can't delve into those emotions deeply; my reserves just feel depleted still. Suffice it to say that last week brought up memories and emotions that I hadn't felt since Mark - the fear, sadness, loss, the chaotic feeling of not being able to do anything and the frustration and anger that results from all of these things. I was wiped out on Saturday and now today with too little sleep, it weighs down on me like an emotional hangover.
Thankfully the test came back negative and I was able to find some good information about the latest in hysterectomies, a robotic device that reduces recovery time and blood loss. My mom was thankful for the info and this week will be calling to make an appointment to go to one of the doctors who performs it. I'm going to try to attend just to help with asking questions. Unfortunately, the other phone call my mom has to make is to the insurance company to find out how much they will cover. Of course, with my dad being out of work for a year now, finances are a huge concern. They are already worried about the bill coming for the ER visit and transfusion and now if they have to cover even a percentage of the surgery itself, it may be sizable. My mom wants to put it off if possible until my dad gets a job which is not a good idea since if she starts bleeding badly, she'll be back in for a transfusion and forced to get the surgery.
V. and I are not rolling in the dough over here with two monthly child support payments and private tuition on one salary. However, what is the health of my mom and having her around worth? It's priceless of course. So yesterday I brought up their thinking about the postponement of the surgery due to the money and asked V. what he thought about helping them take care of the bill. Without blinking, he said, "How could we not?" For all of his "backward" emotions at times, he is unfailingly generous and I love him for it.
Speaking of "backward" emotions, I left out most of mine in this post. Part of me is still emotionally spent from last week and I can't delve into those emotions deeply; my reserves just feel depleted still. Suffice it to say that last week brought up memories and emotions that I hadn't felt since Mark - the fear, sadness, loss, the chaotic feeling of not being able to do anything and the frustration and anger that results from all of these things. I was wiped out on Saturday and now today with too little sleep, it weighs down on me like an emotional hangover.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Long Time No Post
It's been 2 weeks since I last posted due to a combination of computer issues, sickness, and absences. Blogger has decided that it will no longer allow Internet Explorer to open its website and blogs so I have to make a conscience effort each day to utilize Google Chrome to open Blogger. This extra step throws me off and often I don't open it. For the past week, I've been battling a cold thanks to I. and nursing D. literally back to health from the same cold (as well as I. but I haven't been nursing her literally). Also, V. was gone pretty much for the past 2 weeks so I was busy getting the taxes inputted online, getting account reconciliations done, and other mundane, time-consuming projects that I don't feel like doing when he's here.
This morning D. woke up at 4:25am and after nursing him, I discovered that the vibrating sleep aid in his pack and play, the one that helps him fall back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, was out of batteries. Needless to say, it was a bust and so we started our day at 4:25.
One interesting thing of the day was that I received a call from a modeling agency that I sent D.'s pics to. On their website they make it clear that they probably won't call you back so when I got the call, I was surprised and kind of jazzed. They are interested and want more pics as well as his weight, height, and clothing sizes 'cause you know it IS a modelling gig!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I.'s school is celebrating Father's Day on it so V. will be going to I.'s school for a special song performance and lunch with I. I will be going with D. just to capture it on film. She is so excited. I've noticed the last month that I. is really getting attached to V. and missing him more than she ever has. I've alerted V. to it and though he poopoos it, he has been more receptive that when I text him that I. really wants to hear his voice, he makes an effort to call us asap. It is a strange life that we live.
This morning D. woke up at 4:25am and after nursing him, I discovered that the vibrating sleep aid in his pack and play, the one that helps him fall back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, was out of batteries. Needless to say, it was a bust and so we started our day at 4:25.
One interesting thing of the day was that I received a call from a modeling agency that I sent D.'s pics to. On their website they make it clear that they probably won't call you back so when I got the call, I was surprised and kind of jazzed. They are interested and want more pics as well as his weight, height, and clothing sizes 'cause you know it IS a modelling gig!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I.'s school is celebrating Father's Day on it so V. will be going to I.'s school for a special song performance and lunch with I. I will be going with D. just to capture it on film. She is so excited. I've noticed the last month that I. is really getting attached to V. and missing him more than she ever has. I've alerted V. to it and though he poopoos it, he has been more receptive that when I text him that I. really wants to hear his voice, he makes an effort to call us asap. It is a strange life that we live.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Testing
I should be going to bed right now since I've been up since 4:30 am. but as always, I try to stretch my adult, me time as much as possible. I'll be berating myself tomorrow morning I suspect.
It appears that D. is going through a growth spurt. I put him to bed at the same time as always, except he's been waking up 2.5 hours later hungry. I feed him again around 10ish yet still get woken up at 4 something. I feed him, get him back down, he dozes off for a short time. But before I can fall back asleep he's up again for the day. Yes, we had a nice snuggle time in bed, complete with an extra nursing and a catnap for him. While this is satisfying to me as a momma, it's a lot less satisfying for me as a human being who needs sleep.
We got our Christmas tree this afternoon. It was a little iffy. I. is trying to come down with a cold it seems so she didn't feel very good and D. did not like the chain saws cutting off the bottom of the trees. With this being D.'s first Christmas tree experience, it made me fast forward to when V. and I would be getting a tree all by ourselves without kids...not as satisfying I suspect and made me appreciate today all the more.
We got the tree up and after the kids went to bed, V. and I got the lights on. Now for the next week, I. and I can decorate the tree with ornaments little by little, truly enjoying the process. Yesterday she and I made gingerbread cookies and I was rewarded with hugs and "I like baking with you Mommy." I want to find kid friendly recipes to make with her in the future.
All in all, it was a good weekend the only thing being that I wish I could go back to how D. was eating and sleeping before. It'll come again but for now, it's tough to be the only one keeping this boy alive. That's the usual but sometimes, during growth spurts, I really feel it especially.
For now though, I'm going to enjoy the smell of our Christmas tree. It smells wonderful.
It appears that D. is going through a growth spurt. I put him to bed at the same time as always, except he's been waking up 2.5 hours later hungry. I feed him again around 10ish yet still get woken up at 4 something. I feed him, get him back down, he dozes off for a short time. But before I can fall back asleep he's up again for the day. Yes, we had a nice snuggle time in bed, complete with an extra nursing and a catnap for him. While this is satisfying to me as a momma, it's a lot less satisfying for me as a human being who needs sleep.
We got our Christmas tree this afternoon. It was a little iffy. I. is trying to come down with a cold it seems so she didn't feel very good and D. did not like the chain saws cutting off the bottom of the trees. With this being D.'s first Christmas tree experience, it made me fast forward to when V. and I would be getting a tree all by ourselves without kids...not as satisfying I suspect and made me appreciate today all the more.
We got the tree up and after the kids went to bed, V. and I got the lights on. Now for the next week, I. and I can decorate the tree with ornaments little by little, truly enjoying the process. Yesterday she and I made gingerbread cookies and I was rewarded with hugs and "I like baking with you Mommy." I want to find kid friendly recipes to make with her in the future.
All in all, it was a good weekend the only thing being that I wish I could go back to how D. was eating and sleeping before. It'll come again but for now, it's tough to be the only one keeping this boy alive. That's the usual but sometimes, during growth spurts, I really feel it especially.
For now though, I'm going to enjoy the smell of our Christmas tree. It smells wonderful.
Friday, November 11, 2011
A Little Confused
I'm a little confused by how I'm feeling tonight and trying to sort it out. Hopefully this post will help me work it out. As a caveat, may I say that I know I love my kids, my husband, and my life. It's just sometimes I can't "feel" it, and I mean that literally.
So I was hoping for a little more sleep last night since I didn't have to get up by a certain time to get I. to school. It's always a crap shoot with a 3 month old but every so often, his timing works out for me. Last night I thought it was going to work out for me again because he slept 5 hours straight until 3am. As I sat there feeding him until 3:30, I was hopeful since he should have slept about 3-3.5 more hours which would put me at 6:30 or maybe even 7, scoring me a total of 8 hours of sleep which I haven't had since before he was born. Unfortunately, it didn't happen like that. I put him back down and he fussed, burped, and then cried for a bit until I got back up and shook that bed for all it was worth and then set the vibrating function on the bed. By 4:15 he was asleep and I still was hopeful that I could get at least 2 more hours of sleep. Nope - he was up at 5:45 and do I really need to describe how it feels to be woken up from a deep sleep after an hour or so of sleep?
But I made the best of it and by 9am, I had him fed and down for his morning nap, the college girl had arrived and I. and I were ready to go. We spent the rest of the morning at Chuck E. Cheese playing together the whole time and it was really great. It just seemed so uncomplicated and easy with it just being the two of us again. I kept thinking how before D., I took these times for granted and that kind of bummed me out a little. On the flip side, and one that I need to concentrate on more, it made our present and future just-the-two-of-us times together so special and both of us appreciated today that much more. Of course, seeing how thankful I. was and how happy she was to be the only one with me made me feel sad too. Really, how complicated and confusing can being a mother possibly be. It truly is a double edged sword kind of job.
After we got home, I fed D. and the three of us went to get yogurt which was also part of I.'s dream day. After I fed D. yet again and got him down for his 30 minute nap, I. and I did a puzzle together and then it was time for the dinner/bedtime push with the 11 pound boy strapped sleeping to my chest. To say that I was physically pooped is stating the obvious. I made it through though and had both of them in bed by 5:30 (not freaking bad).
But then as I took my shower, the conflicting emotions began. Happy in mind but not feeling it emotionally that we got our one on one time today and that she really loved it. Sad because it was taken for granted before. I noticed today and also last weekend at I.'s birthday party that I'm having a hard time feeling connected emotionally sometimes. It's like I'm observing that the party/Chuck E. Cheese is going great and isn't it wonderful how happy I. is but emotionally I don't feel it like I normally would; I feel numb much of the time. It bothers me a lot this disconnect. I don't know what's causing it for certain and that worries me. Of course, it could be my interrupted sleep and the fact that I've been getting about 3 hours less sleep a day than I need for the past 3 months. I mean, that kind of accumulation is going to take its toll. Or perhaps it's just feeling emotionally tapped out sometimes. Or a combination of the two?
For instance, today is Friday and I've been having that numb, disconnected feeling throughout the day. Then I think of the week. I was the only parent on call and on hand all day and all night since Sunday except for my parents helping with the afternoon and bathtime on Wednesday. That's 4 full days of being solo 24/7. Maybe this plays a part in my feelings?
Lastly, V. and the girls are on the way down tonight for the weekend and while I am glad they are coming down especially for I.'s sake, for some reason I feel anxious about it. I remember the last time they came I felt anxious about it too. It's not them so much as I feel like the walls are closing in when there are so many people in this kind of small house. A claustraphobic type of thing.
What a whack job I sound like. I think if I was an algebra equation it would go like this: physical exhaustion + emotionally taxed = anxiety.
So I was hoping for a little more sleep last night since I didn't have to get up by a certain time to get I. to school. It's always a crap shoot with a 3 month old but every so often, his timing works out for me. Last night I thought it was going to work out for me again because he slept 5 hours straight until 3am. As I sat there feeding him until 3:30, I was hopeful since he should have slept about 3-3.5 more hours which would put me at 6:30 or maybe even 7, scoring me a total of 8 hours of sleep which I haven't had since before he was born. Unfortunately, it didn't happen like that. I put him back down and he fussed, burped, and then cried for a bit until I got back up and shook that bed for all it was worth and then set the vibrating function on the bed. By 4:15 he was asleep and I still was hopeful that I could get at least 2 more hours of sleep. Nope - he was up at 5:45 and do I really need to describe how it feels to be woken up from a deep sleep after an hour or so of sleep?
But I made the best of it and by 9am, I had him fed and down for his morning nap, the college girl had arrived and I. and I were ready to go. We spent the rest of the morning at Chuck E. Cheese playing together the whole time and it was really great. It just seemed so uncomplicated and easy with it just being the two of us again. I kept thinking how before D., I took these times for granted and that kind of bummed me out a little. On the flip side, and one that I need to concentrate on more, it made our present and future just-the-two-of-us times together so special and both of us appreciated today that much more. Of course, seeing how thankful I. was and how happy she was to be the only one with me made me feel sad too. Really, how complicated and confusing can being a mother possibly be. It truly is a double edged sword kind of job.
After we got home, I fed D. and the three of us went to get yogurt which was also part of I.'s dream day. After I fed D. yet again and got him down for his 30 minute nap, I. and I did a puzzle together and then it was time for the dinner/bedtime push with the 11 pound boy strapped sleeping to my chest. To say that I was physically pooped is stating the obvious. I made it through though and had both of them in bed by 5:30 (not freaking bad).
But then as I took my shower, the conflicting emotions began. Happy in mind but not feeling it emotionally that we got our one on one time today and that she really loved it. Sad because it was taken for granted before. I noticed today and also last weekend at I.'s birthday party that I'm having a hard time feeling connected emotionally sometimes. It's like I'm observing that the party/Chuck E. Cheese is going great and isn't it wonderful how happy I. is but emotionally I don't feel it like I normally would; I feel numb much of the time. It bothers me a lot this disconnect. I don't know what's causing it for certain and that worries me. Of course, it could be my interrupted sleep and the fact that I've been getting about 3 hours less sleep a day than I need for the past 3 months. I mean, that kind of accumulation is going to take its toll. Or perhaps it's just feeling emotionally tapped out sometimes. Or a combination of the two?
For instance, today is Friday and I've been having that numb, disconnected feeling throughout the day. Then I think of the week. I was the only parent on call and on hand all day and all night since Sunday except for my parents helping with the afternoon and bathtime on Wednesday. That's 4 full days of being solo 24/7. Maybe this plays a part in my feelings?
Lastly, V. and the girls are on the way down tonight for the weekend and while I am glad they are coming down especially for I.'s sake, for some reason I feel anxious about it. I remember the last time they came I felt anxious about it too. It's not them so much as I feel like the walls are closing in when there are so many people in this kind of small house. A claustraphobic type of thing.
What a whack job I sound like. I think if I was an algebra equation it would go like this: physical exhaustion + emotionally taxed = anxiety.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Progress?
Well, it's been 11 days since my last post and I'm still dreaming of that restful night with the bedroom all to myself. Probably why I haven't posted since.
Things have been a little better here and there peppered with some not so good moments/mornings/evenings but I'd have to say overall if I'm being honest, things seem to have stopped trending down. Some nights, D. goes right back to sleep after each feeding and I feel like a new person the next day. Some nights, he decides to fuss and cry after the 1am./2am feeding for another hour and boom! I've lost over an hour and a half of sleep in an already short night. Yesterday he didn't go back to sleep after the 5am feeding and refused to stay asleep in the morning. He basically cried the whole morning and my tired nerves were pretty fried. Luckily, he took a 2 1/2 hour afternoon nap and when he woke up, my darling, sweet baby boy was back. Whew! I certainly didn't want whoever that other kid from the morning was.
The other big help has been that D. is smiling as in "my whole face lights up" smiling and it makes a big difference in my daily life. It brings another level of love, adoration and thankfulness in my heart. Best of all, I. is a recipient of his smiles often and she is tickled beyond belief. Seeing his face light up when he looks at her in the morning warms my heart and now I can experience what mothers of more than one have been talking about.
V. has been gone most of this week which in one way is hard but in another way, is easier logistically. I don't have to worry that D. will wake up and need to be fed during the 2 hours that V. is home and awake. One night last week, V. got home at 7:30 and D. woke up at 8:15 hungry. I went upstairs grumpily and fed him but by the time I got done half an hour later, V. had turned off the tv and had gone to bed. I didn't blame him since he'd been up since 2:30am and was going to have to get up at 2:30 again, but I got teary anyways since I only got to see him for 45 minutes and then when I returned downstairs to the "party", noone was there. So in that way it's been easier. But I've missed him and I don't like how much stress he is under right now and how many hours he's been working. The girls are supposed to come down with him tonight but there is a chance that he won't get done with what he has been working on and will have to stay up there again tonight. Being that today is Friday, that would be a real bummer.
D. is up and crying for the second time in this afternoon nap. That damn gas is waking him up. Every time he passes gas, he wakes up and cries and may or may not go back to sleep. Resttime is almost over anyways for I. so I've got to stop anyways. Hopefully next posting will contain good news of an upward trend in sleep and a downward trend in fussiness!
Things have been a little better here and there peppered with some not so good moments/mornings/evenings but I'd have to say overall if I'm being honest, things seem to have stopped trending down. Some nights, D. goes right back to sleep after each feeding and I feel like a new person the next day. Some nights, he decides to fuss and cry after the 1am./2am feeding for another hour and boom! I've lost over an hour and a half of sleep in an already short night. Yesterday he didn't go back to sleep after the 5am feeding and refused to stay asleep in the morning. He basically cried the whole morning and my tired nerves were pretty fried. Luckily, he took a 2 1/2 hour afternoon nap and when he woke up, my darling, sweet baby boy was back. Whew! I certainly didn't want whoever that other kid from the morning was.
The other big help has been that D. is smiling as in "my whole face lights up" smiling and it makes a big difference in my daily life. It brings another level of love, adoration and thankfulness in my heart. Best of all, I. is a recipient of his smiles often and she is tickled beyond belief. Seeing his face light up when he looks at her in the morning warms my heart and now I can experience what mothers of more than one have been talking about.
V. has been gone most of this week which in one way is hard but in another way, is easier logistically. I don't have to worry that D. will wake up and need to be fed during the 2 hours that V. is home and awake. One night last week, V. got home at 7:30 and D. woke up at 8:15 hungry. I went upstairs grumpily and fed him but by the time I got done half an hour later, V. had turned off the tv and had gone to bed. I didn't blame him since he'd been up since 2:30am and was going to have to get up at 2:30 again, but I got teary anyways since I only got to see him for 45 minutes and then when I returned downstairs to the "party", noone was there. So in that way it's been easier. But I've missed him and I don't like how much stress he is under right now and how many hours he's been working. The girls are supposed to come down with him tonight but there is a chance that he won't get done with what he has been working on and will have to stay up there again tonight. Being that today is Friday, that would be a real bummer.
D. is up and crying for the second time in this afternoon nap. That damn gas is waking him up. Every time he passes gas, he wakes up and cries and may or may not go back to sleep. Resttime is almost over anyways for I. so I've got to stop anyways. Hopefully next posting will contain good news of an upward trend in sleep and a downward trend in fussiness!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Hanging In There
Two days later and I'm still standing so I guess that's success these days. Saturday, my nighttime survival plan consisted of putting D. in the sling and getting him to sleep as quickly as possible. Not so I could put him in his bed but so that I could carefully fall into mybed and get some sort of sleep or at the very least get off my feet. And it worked. I didn't get tons of sleep but more than the night before and I feel like I have a stop-gap measure in my arsenal for those bad nights.
Today I was reading another book. Yes, another book. I did the same thing with I. and took this and that from various books and tried it out. What worked for her doesn't necessarily work for D. so I have to reread and try out different things all over again. The name of the game during these fussy weeks/months is to compile various things in the arsenal so that I can try different things and not feel hopeless.
This afternoon, after a unsuccessful morning nap, I was reading as I was nursing and decided to try something that never worked for I., that is without a long screaming session. I nursed D. then snuggled him for 5 minutes and then told him "It's time to sleep", put him down with a pacifier, and left him sleepy but awake. This is where I. would have screamed bloody murder. D., being of different temperament, sucked and fell asleep for 2 hours. And 2 hours without any waking up and crying which is unusual. I thought the heavens opened up and the angels must have been singing. I tried it again tonight for bedtime and it didn't work quite as well but still pretty good. I soothed him once, put him down again, and then he cried off and on for about 30 minutes and then fell asleep. It's been a quiet 2 hours and soon I'll be heading to bed and hoping for the best.
I have to admit, I am so longing for a night when I can go to sleep in a room by myself without worrying or thinking about when I'll be woken up from a deep sleep. That will be such a luxury, I can't even imagine. I try to keep in mind that that will also mean the end of me having a newborn in the house, that is until I'm a grandparent. Isn't that how life always is? Something that I can dream about can have a bittersweet edge to it. I want so much to enjoy these days and at times I do. The intermittent smiles from D. light up my day, the time I spend eye to eye with him, talking to him and watching his funny faces - these are the times I cherish. Waking up from a deep, sound sleep and having to stay awake for 30-45 minutes and then hoping that I can go back to sleep soon afterwards - I don't cherish these times so much. I need to learn to keep perspective even when I'm exhausted, even when I'm in pain, even when I'm overwhelmed. That's the hard part. Sometimes I feel like a clown on crack - I'm just throwing up the balls of 2 fussy kids and hoping that I'll be in the right place to catch them. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not.
This clown on crack is heading to bed and hoping for a decent night.
Today I was reading another book. Yes, another book. I did the same thing with I. and took this and that from various books and tried it out. What worked for her doesn't necessarily work for D. so I have to reread and try out different things all over again. The name of the game during these fussy weeks/months is to compile various things in the arsenal so that I can try different things and not feel hopeless.
This afternoon, after a unsuccessful morning nap, I was reading as I was nursing and decided to try something that never worked for I., that is without a long screaming session. I nursed D. then snuggled him for 5 minutes and then told him "It's time to sleep", put him down with a pacifier, and left him sleepy but awake. This is where I. would have screamed bloody murder. D., being of different temperament, sucked and fell asleep for 2 hours. And 2 hours without any waking up and crying which is unusual. I thought the heavens opened up and the angels must have been singing. I tried it again tonight for bedtime and it didn't work quite as well but still pretty good. I soothed him once, put him down again, and then he cried off and on for about 30 minutes and then fell asleep. It's been a quiet 2 hours and soon I'll be heading to bed and hoping for the best.
I have to admit, I am so longing for a night when I can go to sleep in a room by myself without worrying or thinking about when I'll be woken up from a deep sleep. That will be such a luxury, I can't even imagine. I try to keep in mind that that will also mean the end of me having a newborn in the house, that is until I'm a grandparent. Isn't that how life always is? Something that I can dream about can have a bittersweet edge to it. I want so much to enjoy these days and at times I do. The intermittent smiles from D. light up my day, the time I spend eye to eye with him, talking to him and watching his funny faces - these are the times I cherish. Waking up from a deep, sound sleep and having to stay awake for 30-45 minutes and then hoping that I can go back to sleep soon afterwards - I don't cherish these times so much. I need to learn to keep perspective even when I'm exhausted, even when I'm in pain, even when I'm overwhelmed. That's the hard part. Sometimes I feel like a clown on crack - I'm just throwing up the balls of 2 fussy kids and hoping that I'll be in the right place to catch them. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not.
This clown on crack is heading to bed and hoping for a decent night.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I'm Still Standing
I'm still standing...yeah, yeah, yeah Remember that Elton John song from long ago?!
I didn't want to leave things like they were in my last post and give the impression that I might have jumped off the roof in the meantime. You know, I almost made a joke to the NP at my doctor's appointment this week in response to her questions, "How are things going? How are you?" That day I was just so beaten down tired on no sleep and pain that I could feel the hysteria rising in me. I thought about responding, "Well, I didn't check myself into Mesa Vista on the way here so that's something." For those of you who have not experienced depression or lunacy, you may not know what Mesa Vista is. It's the Sharp Healthcare version of the looney bin, at least that's what it seemed like when I was there many many moons ago. But considering how ragged I probably appeared and that my depression history was probably in my chart, I didn't think I had better make that joke to a member of the medical community at this point in time. Probably a smart move.
Thankfully, the next night provided 6 hours of total sleep so I was in much better shape to start the day off. Plus I was able to get an hour long nap in the afternoon which was really good since V. was out of town overnight and I was going to be the lone wolf on duty for the first time as a momma of two. We made it through and without too much chaos. The only real struggle was last night. I got D. down for bed after his last feeding at 11pm, went to sleep to be awoken at 1:45 for another chow session. No problem except that I noticed his eyes were wide open at the end of it at 2:20 which did not bode well especially since my head kept falling forward as I was passing out with sleep. He ended up not going back to sleep until 3:45 and it was torture, to put it mildly.
On the plus side, since he went to sleep so late in the middle of the night, he didn't wake up again until 7:45 so I was able to get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It seems that surviving the early days with a newborn is about noticing and celebrating the littlest of things and focusing on the upside. That and keeping a sense of humor and knowing when not to make sarcastic jokes...
I didn't want to leave things like they were in my last post and give the impression that I might have jumped off the roof in the meantime. You know, I almost made a joke to the NP at my doctor's appointment this week in response to her questions, "How are things going? How are you?" That day I was just so beaten down tired on no sleep and pain that I could feel the hysteria rising in me. I thought about responding, "Well, I didn't check myself into Mesa Vista on the way here so that's something." For those of you who have not experienced depression or lunacy, you may not know what Mesa Vista is. It's the Sharp Healthcare version of the looney bin, at least that's what it seemed like when I was there many many moons ago. But considering how ragged I probably appeared and that my depression history was probably in my chart, I didn't think I had better make that joke to a member of the medical community at this point in time. Probably a smart move.
Thankfully, the next night provided 6 hours of total sleep so I was in much better shape to start the day off. Plus I was able to get an hour long nap in the afternoon which was really good since V. was out of town overnight and I was going to be the lone wolf on duty for the first time as a momma of two. We made it through and without too much chaos. The only real struggle was last night. I got D. down for bed after his last feeding at 11pm, went to sleep to be awoken at 1:45 for another chow session. No problem except that I noticed his eyes were wide open at the end of it at 2:20 which did not bode well especially since my head kept falling forward as I was passing out with sleep. He ended up not going back to sleep until 3:45 and it was torture, to put it mildly.
On the plus side, since he went to sleep so late in the middle of the night, he didn't wake up again until 7:45 so I was able to get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It seems that surviving the early days with a newborn is about noticing and celebrating the littlest of things and focusing on the upside. That and keeping a sense of humor and knowing when not to make sarcastic jokes...
Sunday, August 21, 2011
A Brief Bitchy Moment
Let me have this one bitchy new mother moment, okay? I'm not trying to be a bitch but this is just something that REALLY gets to me quickly. Let me just say it, get it out there, and then move on to being thankful. Which I am, very thankful and still in awe of the baby boy.
Here it is. I am the one who gets up with the baby at night which makes sense since I'm the one with boobs. I get that. I also am cognizant that V. gets up at his own ungodly hours during the week to work. So I don't have a problem with being the one who handles all the nighttime duties, as well as the daytime duties if we're being honest here.
Most nights haven't been too bad. I usually feed D. for the last time ending at 11pm. so that he will only get up once at 2:15ish and then again at 6:30am. Or something like that. Sometimes though he doesn't go back to sleep quickly after the 2:15 feeding and I'll be up from 2am to 4am and then back up at 6:30. That's with going to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me. But that's how it is and I'm fine with it.
But here's the thing. On the weekends, V. goes to sleep around 9/10pm and then sleeps uninterrupted until he wakes up which is still pretty early, usally around 6am. Yet he's still exhausted by 9am, needing to take a nap then and then passing out by 1pm for an hour or longer. Meanwhile, I'm tired too but still having to deal with 2 kids on very very interrupted and limited sleep which is my Achilles heel for my mental and emotional health.
My brain gets it that he's working 16 hours a day at a very stressful, demanding job. But my tired psyche is still trying to get used to having 2 kids with very different needs yet both very demanding and trying to cope with all this with reduced sleep and round the clock nursing which poops me out. And that leads to snarky, bitchy thoughts that I have to actively shut my lips so that they don't escape out of me.
A lesson in self-control and reaching deep down to keep the peace in the household. Because in all honesty, having a peaceful house is worth a lot more to me than making that bitchy comment that may make me feel better at the moment but much much worse in the end.
Here it is. I am the one who gets up with the baby at night which makes sense since I'm the one with boobs. I get that. I also am cognizant that V. gets up at his own ungodly hours during the week to work. So I don't have a problem with being the one who handles all the nighttime duties, as well as the daytime duties if we're being honest here.
Most nights haven't been too bad. I usually feed D. for the last time ending at 11pm. so that he will only get up once at 2:15ish and then again at 6:30am. Or something like that. Sometimes though he doesn't go back to sleep quickly after the 2:15 feeding and I'll be up from 2am to 4am and then back up at 6:30. That's with going to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me. But that's how it is and I'm fine with it.
But here's the thing. On the weekends, V. goes to sleep around 9/10pm and then sleeps uninterrupted until he wakes up which is still pretty early, usally around 6am. Yet he's still exhausted by 9am, needing to take a nap then and then passing out by 1pm for an hour or longer. Meanwhile, I'm tired too but still having to deal with 2 kids on very very interrupted and limited sleep which is my Achilles heel for my mental and emotional health.
My brain gets it that he's working 16 hours a day at a very stressful, demanding job. But my tired psyche is still trying to get used to having 2 kids with very different needs yet both very demanding and trying to cope with all this with reduced sleep and round the clock nursing which poops me out. And that leads to snarky, bitchy thoughts that I have to actively shut my lips so that they don't escape out of me.
A lesson in self-control and reaching deep down to keep the peace in the household. Because in all honesty, having a peaceful house is worth a lot more to me than making that bitchy comment that may make me feel better at the moment but much much worse in the end.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Home Stretch
I hate the big lapses of time between my postings and wonder how people have something to blog about every day. It's not that I don't have things to say - it's more a function of the fact that I'm not near a computer when I have something to actually say and when I am near the computer, I'm too damn tired to say it.
That seems to be the name of the game the past week or so. I know, it's not unexpected to be tired in the last weeks of pregnancy. For some reason, that fact just hasn't been accepted completely by my psyche.
If labor was to begin like it did with I., it would be beginning a week from today. A week from today! And she was only 10 days early so even if I go closer to term, I don't have much time left. Probably just as well considering that by evening, I'm tired. Actually by the time I get ready in the morning, which is usually around 9-ish, my legs are already feeling weak. The rest of the day is just a function of me pushing ahead and doing what needs to be done.
With all that being said, I still feel so very blessed by this pregnancy considering the late start I got in finding V. and getting my family life started. There are so many women who can't get pregnant or have to go through fertility treatments or have had miscarriages. And here I sit, two for two with a girl and now a boy. Like I said, truly blessed. V. and I seem to be quietly pulling together - mind you, it's not a verbal conversation we've had - but I can sense it in how we are with one another and it's soothing. I didn't feel it when I was pregnant with I. but this time around, I feel this quiet bonding. I hope that it carries into labor and the early days of this new baby boy.
Today I purposely planned a I. and Mommy Day. A day with no to-do errands and no rushing around, just easy going and fun stuff today. We are hanging out this morning, catching up on some things around the house then we'll go to lunch at our favorite breakfast place for pancakes and bacon. Then we're going to see the Winnie the Pooh movie. I. is really excited and I'm happy about it too. Starting tomorrow she's going to Vacation Bible School in the mornings for the next 6 weekdays so this may be our last dedicated I. and Mommy Day until after the baby comes. This is still hard to believe and imagine. As it gets closer, it somehow seems like less of a reality rather than more of one. I guess it's may be just a function of a little denial and not wanting to worry about the labor and delivery.
V. is going through a stressful, difficult week at work so I'm praying that the baby won't kick things off at least until the end of the week at the soonest. Especially since V. will be out of town until Thursday night. Of course, as I type that sentence another contraction hits....
That seems to be the name of the game the past week or so. I know, it's not unexpected to be tired in the last weeks of pregnancy. For some reason, that fact just hasn't been accepted completely by my psyche.
If labor was to begin like it did with I., it would be beginning a week from today. A week from today! And she was only 10 days early so even if I go closer to term, I don't have much time left. Probably just as well considering that by evening, I'm tired. Actually by the time I get ready in the morning, which is usually around 9-ish, my legs are already feeling weak. The rest of the day is just a function of me pushing ahead and doing what needs to be done.
With all that being said, I still feel so very blessed by this pregnancy considering the late start I got in finding V. and getting my family life started. There are so many women who can't get pregnant or have to go through fertility treatments or have had miscarriages. And here I sit, two for two with a girl and now a boy. Like I said, truly blessed. V. and I seem to be quietly pulling together - mind you, it's not a verbal conversation we've had - but I can sense it in how we are with one another and it's soothing. I didn't feel it when I was pregnant with I. but this time around, I feel this quiet bonding. I hope that it carries into labor and the early days of this new baby boy.
Today I purposely planned a I. and Mommy Day. A day with no to-do errands and no rushing around, just easy going and fun stuff today. We are hanging out this morning, catching up on some things around the house then we'll go to lunch at our favorite breakfast place for pancakes and bacon. Then we're going to see the Winnie the Pooh movie. I. is really excited and I'm happy about it too. Starting tomorrow she's going to Vacation Bible School in the mornings for the next 6 weekdays so this may be our last dedicated I. and Mommy Day until after the baby comes. This is still hard to believe and imagine. As it gets closer, it somehow seems like less of a reality rather than more of one. I guess it's may be just a function of a little denial and not wanting to worry about the labor and delivery.
V. is going through a stressful, difficult week at work so I'm praying that the baby won't kick things off at least until the end of the week at the soonest. Especially since V. will be out of town until Thursday night. Of course, as I type that sentence another contraction hits....
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
A Busy Week
In theory you should start paring down activities in the last month of pregnancy but I don't think I know one pregnant woman who actually does that. I am no exception to the rule. It's not that I'm trying to run around like a nut. There's just a lot of things that I want to/need to be taken care of prior to the baby coming. I guess my personal theory is that I'd rather be running around getting things done now than when I've just had a baby, am trying to keep a 5 year old from bouncing off the walls, and am getting very little sleep. So with all that fun to look forward to, I push on in my quest of getting things done.
Last week I got the oil changed and new front tires. Can never be too safe you know. This week the carpet will get cleaned because the cat barf stains have accumulated and the last thing I'm going to want in the early days is a couple of strange men running from room to room with loud machines. That just doesn't seem to conducive for successful breastfeeding. Today we're picking my dad up for one of his Father's Day presents, which was going to lunch with two of us. Of course, that's after we go to the grocery store for a large load and exhausting lug-up-the-stairs and put away session. Of course, the pets require attention immediately in the form of Cat. His blood test results from last week were dismal and combined with a major weight loss in the past month, it's pointing to something lurking in his body. Tomorrow, I have to make 2 round trips to a specialty clinic for him about 35 minutes away so that he can undergo an ultrasound and we can have a consultation with an internist. I can hear the cha-ching right now. Throw in some regular appointments that keep I. and I sane (gymnastics class and therapy, respectively)and I've got a full week.
At least I'm not just sitting around obsessing about labor and delivery. I guess that's a good thing, right?
Last week I got the oil changed and new front tires. Can never be too safe you know. This week the carpet will get cleaned because the cat barf stains have accumulated and the last thing I'm going to want in the early days is a couple of strange men running from room to room with loud machines. That just doesn't seem to conducive for successful breastfeeding. Today we're picking my dad up for one of his Father's Day presents, which was going to lunch with two of us. Of course, that's after we go to the grocery store for a large load and exhausting lug-up-the-stairs and put away session. Of course, the pets require attention immediately in the form of Cat. His blood test results from last week were dismal and combined with a major weight loss in the past month, it's pointing to something lurking in his body. Tomorrow, I have to make 2 round trips to a specialty clinic for him about 35 minutes away so that he can undergo an ultrasound and we can have a consultation with an internist. I can hear the cha-ching right now. Throw in some regular appointments that keep I. and I sane (gymnastics class and therapy, respectively)and I've got a full week.
At least I'm not just sitting around obsessing about labor and delivery. I guess that's a good thing, right?
Monday, July 18, 2011
Weird
I don't want to be an alarmist by any means but something was going on throughout the night and I'm not sure what it was. To start with, I was really tired yesterday by noon. My legs felt like lead and I didn't feel much like eating. Okay, I get it - I'm very pregnant and that's all probably very normal.
But then in the middle of the night I woke up with strange belly pain and it lasted throughout the night. It didn't feel like contractions, false or otherwise, so it was hard to describe. My belly just felt really sore, kind of muscle cramping especially in the top half of it and it hurt enough to wake me up and keep me up.
This morning seems normal enough. My legs do feel like lead again and I'm tired but I didn't sleep well either so that makes sense. The pain isn't there but my belly is rather hard this morning. The baby is moving and grooving so I know he is fine. Me? Well, I'm not so sure on that. I guess we'll just wait and see.
But then in the middle of the night I woke up with strange belly pain and it lasted throughout the night. It didn't feel like contractions, false or otherwise, so it was hard to describe. My belly just felt really sore, kind of muscle cramping especially in the top half of it and it hurt enough to wake me up and keep me up.
This morning seems normal enough. My legs do feel like lead again and I'm tired but I didn't sleep well either so that makes sense. The pain isn't there but my belly is rather hard this morning. The baby is moving and grooving so I know he is fine. Me? Well, I'm not so sure on that. I guess we'll just wait and see.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Last Day of Preschool
Today is my baby girl's last day of preschool...ever. Last year was tempered by the fact that she was going to preschool one more year. But this year, this is it. Thank God her kindergarten is only for 4 hours instead of the normal 6+ or I'd be in tears already. Still, school from this point on until college will be an every day event and the time of having full days to ourselves during the week will be gone. Hopefully I can hold it together this afternoon when all us mommas pile in to class 15 minutes early for the end of the year send-off.
On Monday we took a school friend of I.'s and her mom to Legoland with us using some free passes we had. I. had a good time hanging out with her friend and it definitely helped with some of the long lines we encountered. The mom is actually one of the few people I've met in the last year or two that I feel comfortable with and believe it or not, we talked the whole time about a bunch of different stuff. I know, I was amazed at that myself when I thought back on the day. By the time I got I. in bed, I wasn't feeling all that great - it was physically a long day and I definitely felt the toll of it. But it was worth it and I'm glad we got to go before summer vacation started.
This week is full of prep work for our vacation next week in Palm Desert. I'm excited to be going and hoping that it will be a nice, relaxing family hibernation time and that V. will get enough rest to help with I. when her sisters aren't there. The last couple of weekends, he really has been spending some good time with her one on one and I'm hoping that it will continue through next week. I don't know if this improvement is due to the warning I gave him a few weeks ago about the fact that on the weekends once the baby comes, he's going to have to step up on the help front. It's going to be difficult enough for the weekdays to be 2 on 1 for me; if the weekends start feeling that way, there's going to be serious problems. That's why I issued the warning ahead of time. The girls will be coming out for the last 3-4 days of the vacation (I think). I had to make sure I told V. so that he can warn the girls that I will NOT be sleeping on the pull-out couch in the living room this year. I need a bed, a real bed to sleep in this year so they will not be able to hibernate in the king size bed(room) until 9:30/10 every morning. They may have to get up at the unearthly time of 8am. I just want to make sure everyone is on the same page before we get out there.
Reading this over with all these warnings being issued, I kind of sound bitchy. Really though it's a function of being at a point where I need some of that leeway and special treatment afforded to others. I don't really get it offered to me so I have to assertively take it myself.
Going to "talk" (more like listen) to my mom today. We'll see if anything is said about Father's Day plans/the letter I wrote.
On Monday we took a school friend of I.'s and her mom to Legoland with us using some free passes we had. I. had a good time hanging out with her friend and it definitely helped with some of the long lines we encountered. The mom is actually one of the few people I've met in the last year or two that I feel comfortable with and believe it or not, we talked the whole time about a bunch of different stuff. I know, I was amazed at that myself when I thought back on the day. By the time I got I. in bed, I wasn't feeling all that great - it was physically a long day and I definitely felt the toll of it. But it was worth it and I'm glad we got to go before summer vacation started.
This week is full of prep work for our vacation next week in Palm Desert. I'm excited to be going and hoping that it will be a nice, relaxing family hibernation time and that V. will get enough rest to help with I. when her sisters aren't there. The last couple of weekends, he really has been spending some good time with her one on one and I'm hoping that it will continue through next week. I don't know if this improvement is due to the warning I gave him a few weeks ago about the fact that on the weekends once the baby comes, he's going to have to step up on the help front. It's going to be difficult enough for the weekdays to be 2 on 1 for me; if the weekends start feeling that way, there's going to be serious problems. That's why I issued the warning ahead of time. The girls will be coming out for the last 3-4 days of the vacation (I think). I had to make sure I told V. so that he can warn the girls that I will NOT be sleeping on the pull-out couch in the living room this year. I need a bed, a real bed to sleep in this year so they will not be able to hibernate in the king size bed(room) until 9:30/10 every morning. They may have to get up at the unearthly time of 8am. I just want to make sure everyone is on the same page before we get out there.
Reading this over with all these warnings being issued, I kind of sound bitchy. Really though it's a function of being at a point where I need some of that leeway and special treatment afforded to others. I don't really get it offered to me so I have to assertively take it myself.
Going to "talk" (more like listen) to my mom today. We'll see if anything is said about Father's Day plans/the letter I wrote.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Gee, Why So Tired?
One screaming night terror, several non-screaming nightmares, two visits to the bathroom, burning pain in both hips, and lying awake with racing thoughts for an hour in the middle of the night.
And for some reason, I still ask myself the next afternoon, "Why am I so tired?"
And for some reason, I still ask myself the next afternoon, "Why am I so tired?"
Friday, January 28, 2011
Disney on Ice
Well I survived the morning of returning Media and enjoyed volunteering at I.'s school. She loved it and kept giving me hugs and kisses. It's funny how she's such an independent kid (i.e. she has no problem separating and being away from me) but when I am there, she's so demonstrably affectionate. I like it so much and it's a real reward for me as a stay at home momma. What I mean by that is that because I am home all the time, she takes it for granted and doesn't act like that with me. But when I show up at places where she's used to being without me, she really lavishes the love.
This morning we are going to see Disney on Ice. I wasn't going to take her to it because she gets to go to movies, gymnastics, science class etc. Then she saw the commercial for it every morning and thought it looked neat. She asked to go maybe once but other than that she just watched. Then I got an email offer for $12 tickets and good seats at that. I checked out the regular prices and the cheapest nosebleed seats were $16. The seats that we could get for $12 are more like $30 and the fact that she didn't harangue me about it made me want to surprise her. Plus I am looking for opportunities to do things with her, just the two of us while we still can. I. is really excited and so am I.
Yesterday I was so tired from being on my feet for 6 hours straight yesterday and I'm still feeling it this morning. Looks like there will not be any resttime today either (hasn't been since Monday) because we have to pick up a present for a birthday party tomorrow morning. I am really, truly, and sincerely looking forward to sleeping in a little the next 2 days.
This morning we are going to see Disney on Ice. I wasn't going to take her to it because she gets to go to movies, gymnastics, science class etc. Then she saw the commercial for it every morning and thought it looked neat. She asked to go maybe once but other than that she just watched. Then I got an email offer for $12 tickets and good seats at that. I checked out the regular prices and the cheapest nosebleed seats were $16. The seats that we could get for $12 are more like $30 and the fact that she didn't harangue me about it made me want to surprise her. Plus I am looking for opportunities to do things with her, just the two of us while we still can. I. is really excited and so am I.
Yesterday I was so tired from being on my feet for 6 hours straight yesterday and I'm still feeling it this morning. Looks like there will not be any resttime today either (hasn't been since Monday) because we have to pick up a present for a birthday party tomorrow morning. I am really, truly, and sincerely looking forward to sleeping in a little the next 2 days.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Blah Blah Blah
The weekend went by pretty well except for the discovery on Friday night that not all inflatable beds are created equal. I've slept on one before and was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was. That wasn't the case with the one at my parents' house - this one was torture. I sleep mostly on my side and when I rolled onto my side, it felt like my hip was resting directly on the wood floor which is less than comfortable to say the least. The dog successfully made it through its separation from my dad and was well-behaved, just like a kid when its parents aren't around. We had a good time Saturday celebrating V.'s birthday and all in all, it was a good weekend.
Busy week - first blood test today, helping at I.'s school, dentist appointments, plus the normal errands and duties. On top of this, I have to bring Media, our foster cat, back to Petco on Thursday and it's making me sad. We've had her for 2 months (it was really only supposed to be for 2 weeks) and now she probably thinks this is her new home. But I will have to put her in a crate and cart her back to the Petco prison. I try to keep in mind that she will have a better chance at being adopted if people can see her there. But it's not helping all that much. I've given a last ditch shout out on Facebook and there is a slight chance of hope but it's slim.
I. is in a mood this morning, actually most mornings she is. It's that "What should I play? I don't know what to play." whine that travels up and down my spine and causes me to utter old momisms like "I'm going to get a trashbag and put all your toys in it if you don't be quiet and start playing with something." It's frustrating to me. I was an only child and I don't remember whining every morning about not knowing what to do. Of course, I don't remember what I actually did before I could read because once I could read, that's what I did all morning and throughout the day. That and play in the backyard with my dog. This weekend, it was so nice to be able to send I. out in the back to play - I really wish we had a backyard. Oh well.
This is such a boring post that even I can almost not stand it. I think this whole morning is a function of not sleeping well. I had stressful, dangerous, bad, scary dreams all morning that had me waking up on edge. The only bright spot so far is that last night was the first night in almost 2 months when I didn't have to get up once or twice to use the bathroom, which means that my uterus has gravitated northward and isn't resting on my bladder any more. This Sunday will be 12 weeks - it's hard to believe. I'm looking forward to my appointment next week to hear our little rabbit's heartbeat, at least that's what it sounds like to me. That thought brings a warm glow to my heart and that may be just enough to fan into a full-fledged flame to enjoy the rest of the day.
Busy week - first blood test today, helping at I.'s school, dentist appointments, plus the normal errands and duties. On top of this, I have to bring Media, our foster cat, back to Petco on Thursday and it's making me sad. We've had her for 2 months (it was really only supposed to be for 2 weeks) and now she probably thinks this is her new home. But I will have to put her in a crate and cart her back to the Petco prison. I try to keep in mind that she will have a better chance at being adopted if people can see her there. But it's not helping all that much. I've given a last ditch shout out on Facebook and there is a slight chance of hope but it's slim.
I. is in a mood this morning, actually most mornings she is. It's that "What should I play? I don't know what to play." whine that travels up and down my spine and causes me to utter old momisms like "I'm going to get a trashbag and put all your toys in it if you don't be quiet and start playing with something." It's frustrating to me. I was an only child and I don't remember whining every morning about not knowing what to do. Of course, I don't remember what I actually did before I could read because once I could read, that's what I did all morning and throughout the day. That and play in the backyard with my dog. This weekend, it was so nice to be able to send I. out in the back to play - I really wish we had a backyard. Oh well.
This is such a boring post that even I can almost not stand it. I think this whole morning is a function of not sleeping well. I had stressful, dangerous, bad, scary dreams all morning that had me waking up on edge. The only bright spot so far is that last night was the first night in almost 2 months when I didn't have to get up once or twice to use the bathroom, which means that my uterus has gravitated northward and isn't resting on my bladder any more. This Sunday will be 12 weeks - it's hard to believe. I'm looking forward to my appointment next week to hear our little rabbit's heartbeat, at least that's what it sounds like to me. That thought brings a warm glow to my heart and that may be just enough to fan into a full-fledged flame to enjoy the rest of the day.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
First Day Back
This long week is going to seem longer today, I just know it. V. left on Sunday morning and isn't coming back until late Friday night. This made Sunday feel like Monday, and Monday Tuesday and...well you get where I'm going with this.
It didn't help that I. for some reason woke up many times last night before I went to bed, after I went to bed, and woke up this morning screaming with a bad dream. To say that this morning she is tired and out of sorts would be an understatement. To make matters worse, I am tired too. I stayed up too late trying to finish I.'s annual photobook that we give the grandparents. If I can get the order in for the photobooks and the Christmas cards in tonight, we save a substantial amount of money. I worked on it for 5 hours last night and about the same the night before. Tonight should just be the quality control and finishing touches but I know those somehow will morph into at least 2 hours more of work.
First day back to school for I. today. We had such a nice vacation time together. Even though it was only a week, we got a lot of stuff in there. A trip to Sea World, to Legoland, to see a kids' movie, a day train trip. Wow, plus a major holiday, a couple of nights at my parents' house which gave V. and I a whole day and evening to ourselves.
With I. not getting enough sleep last night, I'm thankful for her school time this afternoon because I know she'll hold it together there unlike how she would be at home. We're going to head to the gym where hopefully I can conjure enough energy to kick my own butt, then home for lunch and then off to school. After chapel, it'll be rush rush rush to 2 different grocery stores, unloading of all the groceries plus I need to pick up food for the parrot and a book at the library that's been on hold. The proverbial chicken with its head cut off. Then back to I.'s school to bring her home for the mad dash to bed.
I'm tired just thinking about this. Oh well, the first day back to anything is always difficult and who knows, maybe it'll be better than I expect.
It didn't help that I. for some reason woke up many times last night before I went to bed, after I went to bed, and woke up this morning screaming with a bad dream. To say that this morning she is tired and out of sorts would be an understatement. To make matters worse, I am tired too. I stayed up too late trying to finish I.'s annual photobook that we give the grandparents. If I can get the order in for the photobooks and the Christmas cards in tonight, we save a substantial amount of money. I worked on it for 5 hours last night and about the same the night before. Tonight should just be the quality control and finishing touches but I know those somehow will morph into at least 2 hours more of work.
First day back to school for I. today. We had such a nice vacation time together. Even though it was only a week, we got a lot of stuff in there. A trip to Sea World, to Legoland, to see a kids' movie, a day train trip. Wow, plus a major holiday, a couple of nights at my parents' house which gave V. and I a whole day and evening to ourselves.
With I. not getting enough sleep last night, I'm thankful for her school time this afternoon because I know she'll hold it together there unlike how she would be at home. We're going to head to the gym where hopefully I can conjure enough energy to kick my own butt, then home for lunch and then off to school. After chapel, it'll be rush rush rush to 2 different grocery stores, unloading of all the groceries plus I need to pick up food for the parrot and a book at the library that's been on hold. The proverbial chicken with its head cut off. Then back to I.'s school to bring her home for the mad dash to bed.
I'm tired just thinking about this. Oh well, the first day back to anything is always difficult and who knows, maybe it'll be better than I expect.
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