It's amazing how much can change in three days. It's not that SO much has changed probably but in how I'm perceiving it. I mean, D. is still a source of joy. How can a chuckling, beautiful boy not make your day happy? This boy giggles when I'm wiping his butt. He takes immense pleasure out of getting his vitamin D drops while he's taking a bath. And when I try to get him to take a drink of water out of a cup, it cracks him up. Honestly, how can life be a downer with this little guy around?
Somehow it still is sometimes. Part of it is me. I'm seriously tired most of the time. By the end of my mothering"workday", which is about 6pm, I am so wiped out that I have to put D. on the floor while I run his bath. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Thinking on it, I realize I don't feel this way as much when V. is here either to help or to just hang out with after the kids go to bed. Another week and a half before he's home (he's been gone for over a week and a half).
I'm frustrated with myself because D. isn't getting me up at 2am and 5 am to nurse so I shouldn't be this tired. Okay so he does wake me up at 5ish with his talking and then I may doze off until 5:45 when he lets out a primal "aaaaahhh", he's still content mind you, and then wake up again at 6:10 after a bad dream (however, he's quiet at this point) and then wake up again at 6:35 when the alarm goes off to begin the day. Not to mention the back pain the last week that had me waking up to turn over on the hour. I guess all that combined doesn't make for restful sleep...
I. lost it this afternoon and I could have sworn I was in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". She just emotionally wigged out and after her letting her cry for about 10 minutes, I resorted to threats if she didn't pull herself together right now because if she woke up D. from his needed afternoon nap, there was going to be hell to pay. She stopped crying but still wouldn't 'fess up to why she was feeling so lousy this afternoon. Things just don't bode well for me when she's 13.
I've been reading books on hormones and bio-identical hormones since my mom has been going through hell for the last 10 years and I'm determined not to suffer like her. This is kind of reading ahead material for me so I'm prepared, however, I was reading the symptoms of estrogen deficiency and several of the symptoms are what I have been struggling with (I won't go into specifics). That got me thinking so I googled what estrogen levels were for nursing mothers. Turns out they are very low to sustain nursing...hmmm. And get this, while pregnant which is when I've felt my best, most energetic and positive, is when your estrogen levels are the highest. Good to know. For now, I can't do anything about my levels but at least there may be a rational reason why I'm feeling like I do and struggling at times. I'll just continue to try to concentrate on what my body is successfully doing, namely holding the line while I still haven't been able to get to the gym (thanks to D.'s separation anxiety and V.'s absence) and nourishing D.'s growing body and immune system. I'm trying to really concentrate on the latter because I've learned from my experience with I., they can give up nursing at any time. It's hard to see that with D. because he really is into it but you just never know - better to appreciate it and bask in it now just in case.
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