So Much

As in "So much to say but don't even know how to say it."

Or "So much for jail teaching her a lesson."

Or "I hate my sister so much."

I think that last sentence is the most truthful and if I am being really honest, it only scratches the surface of emotions, namely anger, that I feel towards her. 

I don't want to get into details because I don't want to become too enraged again.  Short story is that she's been out of jail for 6 days.  Last night she shows up at my parents' house at midnight causing a scene with some shit story about going off with some guys (instead of staying at the rescue mission) and getting all her stuff taken by them along with being raped by them as well.  It's all bullshit because she always says she's raped and then changes the story on a daily basis.  She was thrown out of the rescue mission last night because she was taking too long to eat due to the fact that the meal was not vegan and when the lady told her she needed to finish up, my sister went crazy on her and cussed her out.  How she got clear up to Carlsbad from downtown San Diego I don't know.

So what do my parents do because they don't want to have the neighbors see a police car in front of their house?  They scream and yell back and forth with her and then let her sleep in their car in the garage and lock the house door so she can't get in.  It's pretty obvious she's back on drugs.  They spent the whole day trying to find a place for her to sleep tonight but they all have waiting lists.  She had to go to some "substance abuse assessor" down at the court in Vista today so my parents drove her there and then to the pharmacy to get her meds filled.  Of course the whole time she's telling them that this is all their fault, that they made her a drug addict because they drank wine when she was growing up, and just being a fucking bitch.  There was yelling and screaming but you can't argue with crazy.  Tomorrow she has to go back to the courthouse because I don't think she was able to see that assessor or something.  Who knows.  After spending the whole day with her blaming them for everything, my dad refused to have her sleep at the house.  So what do they do?  Get her a motel room across from the courthouse so that it will be easy for him to pick her up.   It's insanity on top of insanity.

Supposedly there's some place in Lemon Grove/El Cajon that may be able to take her tomorrow.  I don't know.  My dad just sounds like he's going to have a heart attack and I don't want to ask very many questions. 

I cannot even begin to verbally express how much I hate her.  I told V. today when I talked to him briefly that it was a good thing I had the kiddos because if I didn't, I would probably drive over there and just go off on her.  She truly is the ugliest, nastiest, piece of shit and waste of oxygen I know.

Another good reason why I should keep my home away from North County.

Dichotomy + Anger

It's been a long week, a lot going on.  V. left on Sunday morning in the wee hours and just got back tonight.  It feels like it should be Friday. 

The dichotomy part is that there are some really good parts, funny, memorable times in the day followed by some really frustrating, chaotic times.  For some reason I find it hard to process a day where I feel "high" but some really simple, quiet peaceful time of day and then later encounter a tumultuous, exhausting, out of control time of day.  It's almost as though the emotional swing of events is more tiring than the actual events themselves.

Take for instance today.  Enjoyed a Costco trip solely on the fact that D. enjoyed all the samples even though they were spicy and then we ate lunch together at home.  Quiet, relaxed, one on one time.  Then bedtime came round with me and both the kids and it was like game on. Chaos, I. crying, D. biting - I think I need to read Dante's Inferno to gain perspective at this point.  I think once D. gets older, it will get easier but for now, it's insanity.

This week was also hard because V. was at a conference instead of just working away from home.  Conferences mean work during the day and play at night, I remember.  The play part is not the problem, it's just that it meant that I didn't get to talk to V. pretty much until the third night he was gone.  By that point, a lot had happened and because I didn't talk about it with him, I was wrapped around in my head.  Even tonight when he got home, I just felt quiet and depressed.  This is in direct contrast to how I felt this morning when I found out that the company trip to New York for V. beating his goals does NOT fall on our vacation.  The day after we get back from our vacation but I can make that work.

I think the pivotal thing coloring my mental and emotional thinking is my conversation with my mother yesterday.  Her update on my sister and what she (my sister) thinks she is going to do when she gets out of jail angered me.  I don't want to get into details but she continues to try to manipulate my parents and dictate what she is going to do when she gets out.  It makes me angry, really deep down angry.  The kind of anger that seethes, that causes me to become mute and draw into myself.  This is really when I could use martial arts to hit and kick and get it all out. 

Hee Hee Hee

Diabolical chuckling coming from me last night and yes, I have earned the right.  My cell phone rang while we were at the chiropractor yesterday afternoon and when I finally got around to picking up the voice mail at 8:30pm, it was a recording from the jail asking if I wanted to accept the call. 

Guess she got my email.  And the block on my parents phone should have kicked in this morning too.  War tactics kicking in, gotta love it.

War Tactics

Talked with my mom today and warned her that a letter addressed to me may be arriving at their home in response to my email.   She mentioned again that although they have repeatedly told my sister that she is not to contact them via phone, only in writing, she continues to call them 15-20 times a day beginning at 7:30 am.  My parents have enough stresses, both financial and physical, to be dealing with this harassment. 

I did some research, made a phone call to the jail, and then spent over an hour, waiting to be connected online via chat to the company that handles jail phone calls.  Finally after all was said and done, in 24 hours, when she attempts to call my parents' phones she will be told the number is restricted and cannot be connected.  I feel pretty doggone good right now.  I think I'll wait until my parents come over on Friday afternoon to visit and then ask if they got any calls from her that morning. 

The only thing I'm debating right now is whether to send her an email in a couple/few days telling her that it was I who blocked her calls, not my parents.  It's not a case of me taking credit for it, it's a matter of not letting my parents take the venomous hit for it.  If she's going to go after someone, I'd rather it be a person who no longer can be played based on guilt and that's me.

Sometimes Enough is Enough

Ever since I received that voice mail from my sister I have thought about sending her an email, setting the record straight and what she needs to do while she's sitting in jail.  I held back, figuring it would do no good, maybe it was even mean to send her an email while she's in jail.  I am a nice person and wouldn't feel good about doing something that could be construed as kicking someone while they are down even if that someone was my sister.

However, all that changed yesterday while I was at my parents' house for Mother's Day.  Coincidentally, yesterday marked 2 years to the day since I last subjected myself to my sister and when I had decided that I would not endure any more.  She had sent my dad a birthday card and my mother a card for Mother's Day.  I was surprised until my mother told me to read the cards and then I realized why she had sent them.  Not for the normal reason of wanting to acknowledge someone else but simply as a vehicle to harass and attack in her "I'm better than you" way.  I swear, her and Jodi Arias would be best friends because they think the same way.  My father's card was just obnoxious and insincere but my mother's card began with a snotty tirade about their request that she sign the release form to allow them to verify with the jail that she indeed is getting all the help that she purports to be getting.  I should back up for a second and mention that my mom was telling me last week about a 45 minute phone call she had with my sister who spun up some really amazing claims and stories of vicitimization and talked about how much help she was getting etc.  I pointed out to my mom that none of what she was saying added up and that I thought it was all BS and she was manipulating them once again because they said they wouldn't help when she got out unless she got help while she was in jail.  I told my mom to have my dad email her and ask her to sign the release so that they could verify the facts and that if she refused, they basically had their answer of whether or not she was telling the truth.

So back to my mom's card and my sister's snotty tirade which ended with telling my mom it was none of her business.  That set me off and I told my mom that my sister just earned herself an email from me.  It took me awhile to write it.  I didn't want to be cruel but I did want her to know that I know she's full of it and that I would be working hard to make sure my parents knew she was full of it.  It was kind of a declaration of war on my part - there is no longer anything under a polite surface.  She will know exactly where I stand and that I am actively working to debunk her.  It won't make a difference but today, I feel better and mentally lighter.  It felt good to stand up to a bad person, to let that sort of a person know that I'm onto them and it's game on baby!  It will be interesting to see if she writes me a letter back (to my parents' house, I certainly wouldn't give her MY address).  Have to stay tuned for that.

Here's what I wrote:

We all want you to get help while you’re in jail.  If you were diabetic, you’d be under a doctor’s care and receiving medication.  The only difference is that your brain needs the medication.

You told our parents that you were getting mental help in jail.  I called there and verified that you hadn’t received any mental attention or therapy.  I told M&D to ask you to sign the release so that they could verify and know that what you say is true.  If you refused to sign it, then they would know that you were lying and just continuing to manipulate them.  Big surprise, you refused.

You told Momma it wasn’t any of her business whether you are getting help or not?  So maybe it’s not any of their business to pay for all your prepaid phone cards, your groceries, your rented rooms, your health insurance etc.?  Perhaps you should rethink your snotty comments and sign the release.

And just for the record, my kids are with me 24/7 except for when they visit M&D for a few days throughout the year.  There is no room to “plant your feet in” as you put it.  None of us have a room in M&D’s house any more, we’re all adults.  It is only their house from now on.

Tough Week

It's been a busy couple of weeks.  I feel the end of the school year quickly approaching and the hot breath of things that would be easier to get done before that date on my neck.  The feelings of chaos, clutter, and being overwhelmed has been at my heels the past 2 weeks and a wicked, bleeding case of diaper rash for poor D. has only intensified the clamor. 

All this week my normal routine has been thrown into disarray.  I've been going to bed late, getting D. up late at night to change him to try to divide his night by dry diapers.  I've been getting up early to limit the time his normal morning poop is resting against his butt.  When he wakes up early at morning nap, I have to stop my work out and get him up to get the poop off his butt.  And in the afternoon when I normally grab 1.5 hours to gather steam and get some things done, I've had to get him up as soon as I hear him whimpering.  I feel so bad for my little guy as I truly understand how painful and irritating and exhausting pain in that region can be but after an entire week, I am physically and emotionally exhausted myself in dealing with his irritability and tantrums solo since V. has been gone since Sunday.

Today was just one of those uphill, backwards with a leg tied up behind me kind of day.  It was so bad that even I., my non-empathy child, felt sorry for me.  I was physically wrecked and emotionally done but the straw on the camel's back was a voice mail from my sister early this afternoon.  Considering our history, this was not surprising.  Unbeknownst to me, she's landed herself in jail and calls my cell phone to tell me that she thinks she can't come back and live with my parents because I am being selfish and having my kids live in her room a few nights of the week.  And she doesn't understand why she is being isolated from the family on holidays because she didn't do anything and it must be me because I am the eldest.  And she is pleading with me as a sister to let her plant her feet into her room at my parents' house and that none of this is her fault, blah blah blah.  It pissed me off and exponentially added to my feeling of being overwhelmed.  If I was a more irresponsible person, I would have insisted upon a night and day by myself to just detox and recover.

But I am a very responsible person and I have missed V. this week and would like to see him and my step-daughters are finally coming down tomorrow afternoon and it will be good to catch up with them.  So, I take a deep breath and hope for a better day, knowing that at the very least, I won't have to get up extra early since V. is here.  He'll be up at 4:30 or 5:00 so getting the kids up by 6:30 is like nothing to him.  Hopefully that will be enough to hit my reset button.

Positive Thinking and Then Not

Why is it that when I am having one of those days, those good days, when I'm feeling hopeful and happy, something ugly has to enter the picture? It didn't wipe out the good thoughts of the day but it did put an angry, yucky taste in my mouth.

Yesterday I was watching I. in her gymnastics class and I was thinking about how after summer, she would not have the luxury of taking these classes in the weekday morning hours. In fact, if her bedtime doesn't shift to later, she won't be taking these classes at all. But I was enjoying the fact that I was able to sit there and watch her enjoy her class and that I've been able to share all these experiences, just her and I, for more than 5 years. We did the Mommy & Me classes, the swim lessons together, all the trips to the Zoo, Sea World, Wild Animal Park and playdates just her and me. I'm really thankful for that and I think that will help the process that will take place when the new baby comes (at least I hope so).

What's also cool, and it goes back to my timing topic, is that now with this next one, I'll be able to do a lot of the same thing, just he/she and I during the weekday morning hours because I. will be in school. Although I'm a great multi-tasker, I know myself well enough to know that I would feel guilty trying to multi-task attention on a daily basis between the two kids. The way the timing has worked out, I'll be able to give the second one the one on one time that I'd like and then when I. comes home, I won't feel guilty about trying to give her as much attention as I want to/am able to. Now I'm not naive, I know it won't be as simple as that. I remember what a baby is like. Just because I. is home and I want to give her attention doesn't mean that it's going to easily happen. But I am confident that I will figure it out and be able to give I. what she needs without neglecting what the baby is going to need.

So that was how I was feeling yesterday - happy, hopeful, confident, excited. And then the phone rang at 5:30. It was my mom sounding like she was on death's door, sicker than a dog. This weekend is when they are going to Las Vegas - I've done a lot of research for them, made a creative, reveal gift out of it, gotten them a gift card, made all the reservations etc., not to mention doing the pet sitting and house sitting. But most of all, they haven't gone on a proper vacation just the two of them for almost 10 years because of that needy, unsocialized dog of theirs. So I was excited for them to go.

My mom was really sick with the flu or something, she had been in bed all day sleeping which was good. She almost called in the morning to tell me to cancel everything, that they couldn't go. But that's not the ugly, stupid part of this whole thing, that's not what made me mad. It was that she was calling me from the car sitting in front of Trader Joe's where my bitch sister was inside buying some groceries (with my parents' money). Un-fucking-believable. I don't need to comment on this further, it speaks for itself.

When I get angry about this constantly reoccurring situation, I just chat what has become my mantra, "Just wait til they're gone because you're gonna be in a world of shit." And it makes me feel better.

Thanksgiving Madness

Ah, Thanksgiving Eve. It's always a time of anticipation when my sister is involved but it appears to have gotten even better this year. My brother received an email from my sister and forwarded it to me this morning. She has got to be the most self-centered, bitchy, delusional person I have ever known. Let's review this email, keeping in mind that my sister is almost 28 years old, is not mentally retarded, has no job, and does not go to school. Basically, all she does is live off my parents and is ruining my mother's health literally.

"I think that she could minimize her workload so she could have more time to enjoy herself. She could make appointments at lightening speed and communicate with others plus cut down on all those crappy catalogues that she gets and besides the fact that she could make deposits and the such over the web rather than risk herself getting mugged or something lik Please tell me what you think:)"

By "she", my sister is speaking of my mother. You know the person who she calls and orders to take her here, there, and everywhere at whatever time and day she commands. The person who buys all her groceries, pays her rent and gym membership and cell phone and any gifts that are "given by" my sister. Yeah, she's really concerned about my mother's workload. Actually, she's just irritated that my mother isn't on call for her 24/7 and never wants to be told that my mother can't do something for her. And you know those "crappy catalogues" that my mother gets? My mother enjoys looking at those while she eats lunch and takes a crap but my sister can't fathom that.

"This was something that I saw last night while I was on the Hp site and thought to myself that Mommy really needs, since she has been saying that she is really lonely.I think that this would be a better idea rather than a fancy pantsuit and besides the fact that she could learn how to be more efficent without having to stress her self out.(i.e) if you have looked at your microsoft office 2007 she can make grocery lists, keep track of her bills, do her accounting and other various tasks. Then the fact that the computer happens to be a "digital clutch", kinda like a purse, but much more useful is another great plus. It is a Hp, Vivienne Tam( one of thoses designers' that she likes, and the commercial promoting it is a Indian woman, almost the exact lookalike as the ones that our Godmother Ann painted that she is so fond of. The cover to this laptop has butterflies and is shell pink. It has everything a woman could need, plus the fact that it can fit into her purse or she can carry it like an evening bag. Check it out."

If this was any other than my sister, you may think this is a nice person. That is if you leave out all the bizarre detailed information about designers and the fact that an Indian person in the commercial looks like etc. and for some reason that means my mother needs this thing. Number one, my mother can barely use a cell phone. Number two, my mother is not lonely and even if she's was, she would NEVER tell my sister that because that would just be an invitation for my sister to park herself even more in my mother's daily life. Lastly, she's telling all this to my brother so that HE can buy this $1,000 present for my mom.

"Here's my christmas list I thought you might eye out the jewelery. the juicy necklace and matching bracelet were just some good ideas. feel free to select any of the other pieces or items. hope your day is going well and look forward to seeing on thursday."

I'm sorry, sending your Xmas list to someone who hasn't requested it is just plain rude or delusional or both. He can't even stand being around her, why would he possibly want her Xmas list? And that it's expensive jewelry. But feel free to select any of the other pieces or items. WTF?

"What was the story with Ani how come she wasn"t at i.'s birthday. What is she a what's it? Cause she has definetly got a screw up her ass. Tell her to deposit outside of self more people would appreciate that than say the recycling truck realizes. I do plan on being kind to her and look forward to the choo-choo and chug another making whoopee elsewhere! Love you, just trying to express my feelings and a possible smile somewhere in that lost look you have gotten me despising myself for! "

Ani is Aaron's girlfriend, a really nice girl. She's 18, has a job, goes to school full-time and treats my brother well. And my sister is being really bitchy for no reason. She has always been jealous of his girlfriends, bizarre to say the least and creepy at times. You can't see it but she also called I. by the wrong name. Yeah, she's been alive for 5 years, you'd think she'd know her name by now. Who cares right? I mean, it's not my sister's name so she really doesn't care. And then you can see the level of crazy we're dealing with when we go into the part about choo-choos, chugs, and making whoopee elsewhere.

Yeah, so my brother and I are really looking forward to tomorrow. Looks like it's going to be a real ball of fun. I just hope fights can be avoided, that she lays off my mom or there will be problems, that she doesn't stare at the girls the whole dinner and that my brother and I can find something to laugh about. Some family holidays just have to be approached with low expectations and hope and tomorrow is one of those.

Not A Good Ending

Off to the races we went this afternoon and I was surprised that it wasn't very crowded at all especially in the infield with the kids' entertainment. I. had a great time going on all the slides and bouncy things over and over again without having to wait at least for the first hour. A pony ride capped things off and we got to see the first horse race before I. started complaining that she was hungry. Mind you, before we left the house she was fed lunch and had a granola bar at the races. No matter, by 2:15, she was hungry. Thus is my life.



We headed to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants that was nearby, one that we usually make great memories. Sadly to say, not so much today (and that's putting it mildly). Why? Six hours later, I'm still not sure. Except for Puerto Rico, we've never had trouble with I. in restaurants. The first crying jag of the meal I think was triggered by I.'s low blood sugar because she began acting and feeling better as soon as she began eating. I handled the crying well - quickly grabbed her and carried her outside to calm down without everyone's eyes on us. Back inside, we began eating and things were good until the very end of the meal. Then she started getting a little mischievious with V. (they were sitting on the same side to give me a break for a change), then she wasn't listening to him when he told her to stop, and then they were wrestling around a bit until I told them to both stop it before something got broken. By now, I'm getting irritated. One, because I've already dealt with one tantrum of sorts. Two, because I've had to take I. to the bathroom 2 times during the last 30 minutes. Three, because I'm still getting over being sick and at the races, I ended up lugging her around a lot because V.'s back was really hurting and I'm starting to feel worn out. Lastly, I'm getting frustrated with watching this dynamic between the two of them, this way that they feed off the worst of each other until things go really bad really fast and then I'm left to mop the whole mess up. I guess the most confusing and frustrating thing is that I don't believe they mean to do it. In fact, I don't think they actually realize it. It's kind of like a married couple who know how to push each other's buttons and although they may not see it, people on the outside see it coming.


When I. ceased listening, picked up a knife to play with and refuse to let it go, it was time to end it. So I grabbed the diaper bag and carried her out of the restaurant (again) through 5 waiters standing there. As I started up the first of two flight of stairs, I. started fighting and caused me to fall up the stairs luckily without injury to either of us. She then proceeded to throw herself on the ground, mind you screaming at the top of her lungs. So I grabbed her arm and lugged her up the first set of stairs and then carried her up the last set. I got her to walk out to the car and then had to strongarm her into the car seat. It wasn't pleasant.

I am disappointed how this last day of summer ended. I am crushed because there are two red marks on one of I.'s arms from when I was lugging her up the stairs. After I got her in bed, I basically cried in the shower and collapsed on the couch. Physically, emotionally, and mentally I'm done. The only thing I'm trying to keep in mind is that by the time we got home, I. wasn't upset at all and seem to forget everything. She didn't understand why I was crying before we read books; all she seemed to remember were the good things of the day. While I may not get that, I'll try to take comfort in that. I want so much to have good memories for her of us together. I also want so much for me to have good memories of us together.

It was a hard last day of summer vacation and tomorrow I will tearfully take I. to her first day of preschool, hoping that she will retain nothing but good memories of this summer. Then it's up to me to retain those same good memories for myself.

Bizarre Phone Call

Just to illustrate the unique strangeness of my family situation, there's the phone call of last night from my dad. He was calling to find out my opinion of what was the best dating website out there. Like I would know, being married and all. But they figured I'd be able to find out and let them know. They had spent a good portion of the day filling out Eharmony.com's questionnaire with my sister. As V. put it, "Who the heck does that with their daughter?" To which I responded, "A pair of desperate parents." She's been applying everywhere for jobs to no avail which is not shocking considering how she acts. So my parents have decided the only way to get her off their dime and out of their daily life is to foist her onto some unwitting guy. Those are my dad's words.

It actually turned into a hilarious conversation, leaving my dad and I howling with laughter due to the one liners flying out of us. He said there wasn't a website for "damaged goods" so that's why they were trying Eharmony. He said that he'd throw in a goat, cow or whatever farm animal it took to seal the deal and get someone to take her off their hands. Though she put she wanted a tall, athletic guy, she wants that same guy to not play any sports nor watch any sports. My dad's translation is that she wants a good looking guy that has no life outside of sitting on the couch telling her how wonderful she is and listening to her lengthy, rambling rants. Sadly, he's right. I told him he should get some of those feather banners and place them out on the main road leading to where she is living - "Girl Available for Dating!" Then as they got closer the signs would say "Turn HERE!" and then the next one would be "You Missed Her! U-TURN NOW!"

The sad part as I reminded him is that even if she finds someone, it doesn't mean it's a permanent solution. In fact, her new nickname is "boomerang" because she always comes back. What a completely un-funny situation for my parents - I'm glad I could get my dad to laugh about it instead of crying which is what he felt like doing.

Bitch

I had to go through that lovely Hallmark process of picking a birthday for my sister today. I dread this day. The last two years, I've been conveniently in Palm Desert vacationing so I haven't had to deal with this hellish deed. Before you judge me, keep in mind that my soon to be 27 year old sister lives off my parents, has no job, doesn't go to school, and is severely affecting the health of my mother. On top of that, I. gets ripped off because my sister is at my parents' house 10-6 every day so there's no point in us going over there or planning any activities with her inappropriate, obnoxious, controlling behavior going on.

We traipsed to the Hallmark store in search of...well I. was in search of a gift and card. At her age and innocence, it's so much easier. But for me....

There was a card that started with "Every family deserves a member like you..." No not really, unless you're the Manson family.

Another one, "You're not the crazy one in the family". Well, actually you are and then some.

Then there was at least a dozen that started something like, "When we were growing up, I always looked up to you" or "All those wonderful memories of us laughing together, remind me..." Yeah, the only thing your childhood reminds me of is pain, sadness, lying, anger, drugs, sex and the way that you ripped our parents' life apart which left me with no support system when I so desperately needed it. Your selfish actions, which continue to this day, deprived me of what I needed then and continue to deprive me of my parents' and my daughter's grandparents' company. It's ridiculous to me that you spend all day, Monday through Friday, with our parents while I. sees her beloved grandparents once a month for a few hours even though we live 3o minutes away. That is almost a crime. They won't be here forever and you don't give a shit about that so why not let them spend time with the people who do give a shit about that.

The bottom line is that you had better get what you want now because aside from whatever our parents leave you, make no mistake - you will not get anything out of me. I've already told our parents that you're not getting shit from me after they're gone. So enjoy it while you can 'cause it ain't gonna last forever, bitch.

P.S. The card I ended up getting says, "Ever noticed how in every family there's usually one person who's shockingly normal?" The inside says, "We should get ourselves one of those. Happy Birthday." I'm not a cruel person so this sufficed.