Mixed Bag This Week

The last two days of been full of conflicting emotions - joy, worry, contentedness, anxiety.  Thank goodness for the good stuff because the other stuff has been a real bummer.

On the good side of things, I. has been in a more positive mood this week and we continue on with our attitude of gratitude which has been really good and I think has softened her heart towards me and is developing a better relationship between us.  That makes me happy and it also helps greatly when I do need to discipline her.  Most of the time my approach is more gentle and she accepts it better.  Today I purposely built in time to play with D. and it was great.  We played cars for awhile and then played with his kitchen table set which he loves.  I enjoyed showing him how he could put his favorite animals at the table and pretend to make food for them and serve them.  It was neat to see him "get it" and really enjoy this new imaginative play.  What is amazing is how he will play by himself happily for long periods of time.  I had heard about kids like this but never had experienced it.  I can be doing something and he'll be happily playing in the same room or the next room.  Even tonight when I went upstairs to put I. in the shower, he came upstairs and was playing but came and told me that he wanted to go downstairs and play.  So he played downstairs with his garbage truck and car for at least 20 minutes until I went down and brought him up for a bath.  Amazing!

Still so thankful for our house...we love our bunnies in the front grass in the morning and at bedtime and a little family of birds in the backyard in the afternoon.  The kiddos and I ate a strawberry a piece off of our little plants for dessert and it was so sweet in many different ways.

I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff, just want to get it out of my brain so here it is:

• Parents' dire financial situation
• Feeling the need to insert myself into a situation between my brother and my parents
• My older cat having possible seizures possibly due to his chronic kidney disease/failure (will know more when I talk to the vet on Saturday)

I know there are only three but that first one has become a real doozy.  It probably wouldn't stress me out as much if we hadn't reduced our own savings account greatly when we bought our home and I felt like I had more latitude in helping them out.  I swear their situation has got to get better and soon.

Day 28 Through 31

Sunday was day 28th and was different from a regular Sunday in that we went and looked at 2 houses with our realtor.  "We" being V., I and the kiddos.  First time he's looked with us.  It felt different in a good way like we were investing in our life together with kids.  Last time we were looking it was just the two of us, though with a bun in the oven almost ready to come out.  However, until you have an actual kid, it's still basically just the two of you.

Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip.  Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile.  After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him.  I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep.  It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin.  It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek.  I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib.  I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin.  It's such a special thing.

Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal.  My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00.  Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well.  One day closer to vacation.

Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert.  We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route.  I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know.  All I do know is that I am ready to get away.  The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert.  My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert.  Hoping that everything goes smoothly.

The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing.  No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks.  Plus some other bummer stuff.  So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too.  Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call?  No response all day long.  Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all.  Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest.  I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy.  We'll see.

So Much

As in "So much to say but don't even know how to say it."

Or "So much for jail teaching her a lesson."

Or "I hate my sister so much."

I think that last sentence is the most truthful and if I am being really honest, it only scratches the surface of emotions, namely anger, that I feel towards her. 

I don't want to get into details because I don't want to become too enraged again.  Short story is that she's been out of jail for 6 days.  Last night she shows up at my parents' house at midnight causing a scene with some shit story about going off with some guys (instead of staying at the rescue mission) and getting all her stuff taken by them along with being raped by them as well.  It's all bullshit because she always says she's raped and then changes the story on a daily basis.  She was thrown out of the rescue mission last night because she was taking too long to eat due to the fact that the meal was not vegan and when the lady told her she needed to finish up, my sister went crazy on her and cussed her out.  How she got clear up to Carlsbad from downtown San Diego I don't know.

So what do my parents do because they don't want to have the neighbors see a police car in front of their house?  They scream and yell back and forth with her and then let her sleep in their car in the garage and lock the house door so she can't get in.  It's pretty obvious she's back on drugs.  They spent the whole day trying to find a place for her to sleep tonight but they all have waiting lists.  She had to go to some "substance abuse assessor" down at the court in Vista today so my parents drove her there and then to the pharmacy to get her meds filled.  Of course the whole time she's telling them that this is all their fault, that they made her a drug addict because they drank wine when she was growing up, and just being a fucking bitch.  There was yelling and screaming but you can't argue with crazy.  Tomorrow she has to go back to the courthouse because I don't think she was able to see that assessor or something.  Who knows.  After spending the whole day with her blaming them for everything, my dad refused to have her sleep at the house.  So what do they do?  Get her a motel room across from the courthouse so that it will be easy for him to pick her up.   It's insanity on top of insanity.

Supposedly there's some place in Lemon Grove/El Cajon that may be able to take her tomorrow.  I don't know.  My dad just sounds like he's going to have a heart attack and I don't want to ask very many questions. 

I cannot even begin to verbally express how much I hate her.  I told V. today when I talked to him briefly that it was a good thing I had the kiddos because if I didn't, I would probably drive over there and just go off on her.  She truly is the ugliest, nastiest, piece of shit and waste of oxygen I know.

Another good reason why I should keep my home away from North County.

Drama Warm Up

Oh my gosh, I don't know that I am going to make it through this day.  Seriously.  I've got to hurry and get this crap out of my brain before we hit the road to my parents' or I am liable to explode.

Got a phone call from my mom which was expected since they always call and tell us to come later than they thought.  What's aggravating off the bat though is that she leaves a voicemail telling me to call her instead of just telling me the new time or better yet, send me a text with the new time.  The reason she wants me to call is that she wants to spend 10 minutes telling me why we have to come later, all the gory details that I don't care to know and then explain how much more and what it is she has left to do.  It's stupid.

So I grit my teeth as she did indeed launch into "how many more bad things can happen to us".  I had just enough patience to deal with that as I moved through the grocery aisles to pick a few things up.  However, when I said something about putting the kiddos to bed by 6pm, she gets this whiny, wheedling tone and says, "Oh can't I. stay up and see the fireworks?  Sienna (Aaron's girlfriend's daughter who is the same age) is going to get to stay up and watch them."  I laughed and answered, "And she probably wasn't up at 4:30 this morning and probably will sleep in until 9:00 tomorrow."  She wouldn't let up and said, "Oh that's just so sad and that's going to make I. feel bad.  Why can't you make an exception this one time?"  Okay, so now I'm mad because I've tried to be nice and now she's attempting to make me feel like I'm the mean mom and I should feel bad or guilty about this.  So I told her that if I. was going to bed normally at 7:30 or something like that, I'd consider making the exception but that keeping her up for almost 5 hours past her bedtime was ridiculous and that she would be absolutely miserable the whole time plus the entire next day at the very least.  Plus, I could just count on her getting sick with a cold and then D. would get it because that is how it has worked for the past 7 years. 

I know both my parents will give me some sad hangdog look when I say it's time to go to bed and I fully expect my dad to make a comment as well.  Because that's how it's always been - if they think they know best then they will keep making comments as a team and expect you to just take it silently or finally acquiesce and do what they want.  That's what I usually did as a kid just to keep the peace and get them to let up on me.  I'm not willing to do that and frankly, I'm tired of being poked between the bars and then getting called "nasty" when I actually react to the jabs.

And honestly, I really don't give a flying fuck what Aaron's girlfriend allows her daughter to do.  She also has the kid spend the night on the couch and they go sleep together in the adjoining bedroom.  Is that a good idea?  Should I look to her for parenting advice and direction?  So bite me.

We haven't even gotten there and already there's this. 

Exhausting and Upsetting Conversation

Ever since V. has taken the new job in Arizona and we announced that we were thinking of moving to a home with a yard in our area, my parents have been making a full court press to get us to move to North County.  When I told my mom that we were considering moving I made a point of telling her we needed to be near the airport so that V.'s commute was not made worse by a long commute from the airport.  I knew when she didn't object that more would be coming which there was in the form of my father making a full court press.  I gave the reason again of why we wanted to stay in the area but obviously to no avail because they started making little comments here and there every time I saw them and yes, to be honest it annoyed me.  Why?  Because I already had stated several times our intentions and the reason behind it and still they persisted with little jabs here and there as though I hadn't made the attempt to forthright about our decision.  Kind of like, say your piece and then shut up.

With another family get together for 4th of July, I didn't want to spend that long day and night waiting for more comments.  It makes me irritable and angry so since we were talking today, I figured it was time for the talk.  I told my mom I had to be off the phone by 11:10 so I'd call earlier to give plenty of time.  Here's how the phone call went:  from 10:00-10:30, she talked about my sister, her release tomorrow and every detail of her future weeks.  Then from 10:30-11:00 she moved onto a drama filled story about my brother and his dealings with a guy I knew they shouldn't be involved business-wise with but whom they thought would be an okay guy to deal with.  This is not the first time that they've gotten involved with someone and I've stated that I don't like the sound of him, been poo-poo'd and then it turns out that the guy's an a-hole and now they're in fear of being sued etc.  So both stories were kind of irritating to me but what was especially irritating is that she knew I had a limited time to talk and this is what she wants to talk about.

Finally while D. is now up and crying because he wants me to carry him, I tell my mom we need to talk about the moving subject.  I cannot go through it blow by blow but I was tactful and restated that we needed to be by the airport and that that was the only request V. had out of this whole thing and I respected that and wanted to honor that considering that he could have asked me to move to Arizona but didn't even ask.  I also said that I felt bad that they seemed to think from what they had said that I didn't want to move close to them because I was concerned that they would be over all the time which wasn't true at all.  I said some very nice and emotional things about how thankful I was to get to spend (and the kids getting to spend) all this time with them since D. has been born.  I told her that this was stressing me out because I felt like I was having to be the bad guy with them by doing the right thing for my little family.

She responded with how overly sensitive I was to their comments and that I had asked in a nasty tone, "What does that mean?" at Father's Day when they had made a "joke".  I asked her again what the "joke" meant and I was right that it was a little private dig they had between themselves about something I said.  She said all this had nothing to do with them wanting me closer as much as it would make my daily life easier because I could just drop the kids off here and there at their house when I wanted to go do something and if I needed anything they could be there in 5 minutes.  She was defensive and just kept saying how sensitive I was to anything they said and she guessed they couldn't joke around with me.  The tone she used when she was saying all this was hurtful to me.  It was like, we did nothing wrong, it's all your fault.  Which is how it was when I was a kid and every once in awhile I didn't agree with them or showed some fight against what they viewed as the right way to think so I guess I'm not surprised.  It didn't feel any better now than it did back then.

As though it couldn't get any worse, my mom says, "Well since we're talking about what makes each other feel bad, there's something you've said 3 times that hurt my feelings too.  But 2 of those times was before you had kids so I thought maybe it was because you didn't understand but the last time you said it was 3 weeks ago." 

Now I'm not begrudging her bringing it up.  I wish she had the first time I said, or the second time or just 3 weeks ago because obviously I never would say something to purposely hurt my mother's feelings.  But to bring it today after I go out on a limb and bare my soul partially about my love for them, it felt like tit for tat and a really gut shot.  So I told her to tell me what it was that I said and this was it.  I have said when mentioning the hard times I went through (not the depression but before then) that I didn't talk to my mom about it because she had enough to handle with everything that had been going on with my sister.  My mom took that to mean that I thought she wasn't willing to give me attention nor help and that I viewed her as an inadequate mother.  She asked, "Would you say that to D. if he needed help and you were going through hard times with I.?"  I told her first of all, you were dealing with 2 minor children and I was an adult so that's a different scenario.  I was an adult, I had made my bed, and now I had to figure out how I was going to lie in it or not.  It was time to take responsibility and try to grow up and figure it out.  Secondly, they were completely and totally overwhelmed by the years of crap my sister put them through when she was a teenager (and ever since) but all I wanted to do was to help them in any way I could, to help lessen the burden.  I gave her examples of what I did to help lessen the burden, ones she can't disagree with.  I reminded her that as the oldest child, I have always been responsible, never wanting to make trouble or cause disappointment or be a burden and that's why I didn't offload my pain onto them. They were already overwhelmed by pain.  I don't know if she heard it all.  I apologized and told her I never wanted her to feel like that's what I thought and that she should have brought it up a long time ago.

I don't even know what to expect on Thursday.  I'm sure this has been the topic of conversation between my dad and her and I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him how upset and sad I made her.  Part of me feels bad but I know I shouldn't.  In  my family, if you didn't agree, you kept it to yourself or you would pay a price.  I guess I'm paying the price but I wonder for how long.

Dichotomy + Anger

It's been a long week, a lot going on.  V. left on Sunday morning in the wee hours and just got back tonight.  It feels like it should be Friday. 

The dichotomy part is that there are some really good parts, funny, memorable times in the day followed by some really frustrating, chaotic times.  For some reason I find it hard to process a day where I feel "high" but some really simple, quiet peaceful time of day and then later encounter a tumultuous, exhausting, out of control time of day.  It's almost as though the emotional swing of events is more tiring than the actual events themselves.

Take for instance today.  Enjoyed a Costco trip solely on the fact that D. enjoyed all the samples even though they were spicy and then we ate lunch together at home.  Quiet, relaxed, one on one time.  Then bedtime came round with me and both the kids and it was like game on. Chaos, I. crying, D. biting - I think I need to read Dante's Inferno to gain perspective at this point.  I think once D. gets older, it will get easier but for now, it's insanity.

This week was also hard because V. was at a conference instead of just working away from home.  Conferences mean work during the day and play at night, I remember.  The play part is not the problem, it's just that it meant that I didn't get to talk to V. pretty much until the third night he was gone.  By that point, a lot had happened and because I didn't talk about it with him, I was wrapped around in my head.  Even tonight when he got home, I just felt quiet and depressed.  This is in direct contrast to how I felt this morning when I found out that the company trip to New York for V. beating his goals does NOT fall on our vacation.  The day after we get back from our vacation but I can make that work.

I think the pivotal thing coloring my mental and emotional thinking is my conversation with my mother yesterday.  Her update on my sister and what she (my sister) thinks she is going to do when she gets out of jail angered me.  I don't want to get into details but she continues to try to manipulate my parents and dictate what she is going to do when she gets out.  It makes me angry, really deep down angry.  The kind of anger that seethes, that causes me to become mute and draw into myself.  This is really when I could use martial arts to hit and kick and get it all out. 

Emotional Hangover

Tired today.  Some of it is due to D. waking up at 4:50am, some of it is left over from last week.  A lot was going on.  Long story short, my mom had to go to the ER for a blood transfusion after losing so much blood due to female issues that she couldn't catch her breath, her heart was racing and she felt faint.  She waited far too long and could have died if she had waited much longer.  She was scheduled last week for a procedure that  should stop the bleeding permanently but after the doctor got in there, she didn't like what she saw, took a biopsy, and ended the procedure.  Last week was spent worrying that the biopsy would come back as cancerous and also dealing with the fact that regardless, my mom would have to have at the very least her uterus removed.

Thankfully the test came back negative and I was able to find some good information about the latest in hysterectomies, a robotic device that reduces recovery time and blood loss.  My mom was thankful for the info and this week will be calling to make an appointment to go to one of the doctors who performs it.  I'm going to try to attend just to help with asking questions.  Unfortunately, the other phone call my mom has to make is to the insurance company to find out how much they will cover.  Of course, with my dad being out of work for a year now, finances are a huge concern.  They are already worried about the bill coming for the ER visit and transfusion and now if they have to cover even a percentage of the surgery itself, it may be sizable.  My mom wants to put it off if possible until my dad gets a job which is not a good idea since if she starts bleeding badly, she'll be back in for a transfusion and forced to get the surgery.

V. and I are not rolling in the dough over here with two monthly child support payments and private tuition on one salary.  However, what is the health of my mom and having her around worth?  It's priceless of course.  So yesterday I brought up their thinking about the postponement of the surgery due to the money and asked V. what he thought about helping them take care of the bill.  Without blinking, he said, "How could we not?"  For all of his "backward" emotions at times, he is unfailingly generous and I love him for it.

Speaking of  "backward" emotions, I left out most of mine in this post.  Part of me is still emotionally spent from last week and I can't delve into those emotions deeply; my reserves just feel depleted still.  Suffice it to say that last week brought up memories and emotions that I hadn't felt since Mark - the fear, sadness, loss, the chaotic feeling of not being able to do anything and the frustration and anger that results from all of these things.  I was wiped out on Saturday and now today with too little sleep, it weighs down on me like an emotional hangover.

Mother's Day

I just read my post from last year's Mother's Day and was hoping for a better experience. I wish I could say it was, but it wasn't. Not even by a long shot. Am I disappointed? Surprisingly enough, I'm not. If anything, I'm relieved. Relieved that it's over. That bums me out because this was MY holiday too not just my mom's like it always has been. I waited a long time to be eligible for this holiday and to me, it is a big deal because it's a celebration of who I am today, what I dreamed of and what I worked hard to get to. And it was basically ruined. Now that I am delving into my feelings, I'm really, truly, and deeply angry under that feeling of relief.

It started before we even were seated at the restaurant. I. had to use the restroom as soon as we arrived so while the rest of our group (except for my mom and sister) were seated, we went to the restroom. That's where my mom and sister were. My mom was having an unexpected female problem and she was literally bleeding all over one of the stalls. I mean it was bad. When I. and I walked in, my sister was standing near the sinks with her usual ugly look on her face and wouldn't even say hello when I said hi. She just stared at us until I repeated myself. My mom asked her if she could get some wet towels so she could clean up the floor and stall. My sister held the towels over the top of the door and then started berating my mom because she wasn't immediately taking them from her. I told my sister to just wait a second and stop making a bad situation worse. This is how it all started.

At the table I was trying to figure out what we were ordering since we had organized this meal and was talking to my dad about it. My sister was across from me, staring, asked what we were thinking of ordering and then said, "I'm not eating any of that." So my dad asks her, "Well, what will you eat?" - a seemingly valid question to which she snottily and replies as though irritated, "I don't know." Then she says she just wants a piece of pizza and I told her that they didn't sell it by the slice that she'd have to get a small pizza and she said that everyone else would have to eat it then because she only wanted a slice. Fast forward to the ordering process where she asks for the pizza without cheese, no oil but bring olive oil on the side.

The pizza came before the rest of the food and it appeared to her that there was a piece of pizza with cheese on it, a very small piece of cheese. Well, she goes ballistic that she's not going to eat this, she's sick of ordering things and not getting what she ordered and that they need to make her another pizza. I mean, off the fucking deep end about a stupid pizza. Even though I'm sitting across from her, I start concentrating on I. and others so that I don't lose it and my parents are having to deal with it. If it had stopped there, the meal would have been salvagable but it didn't. Nope, not even close.

Because when the poor waitress shows up my sister basically shoves the pizza platter at her and starts telling her in this snotty, obnoxious tone what the "sky is falling" pizza situation is. She told her once but that wasn't enough. She said it 3 times increasingly raising her voice that "She wasn't going to eat it. This isn't what I told you I wanted and you need to go back, etc." And that's when I lost it.

I told her to stop treating the waitress like she was an idiot and that all she needed to say was that there was cheese on it and could she bring you another one without cheese. She started trying to defend how she was acting and I told her that it was embarrassing how she treated people like crap who didn't deserve it and that she was just the waitress not the one who cooked it and didn't deserve to be treated like an idiot. I asked her if she even realized how she treated people and finished with the fact that even I. knew not to talk to people like that. The whole time she just stared at me with no expression on her face which pissed me off even more so I said I needed to go outside. Because honestly I couldn't stand to look at her across the table one more minute (I didn't say that part). I. piped up and said she needed to go the bathroom so instead I took her and then came back. But the meal was ruined for me and having to fake it the rest of the day like everything was fine while pointedly ignoring my sister was exhausting.

For years I have struggled with my feelings about my sister. And when I say years I mean for the last 14. I have struggled with hating what she was putting my parents and entire family through, agonizing over the wrong choices she made and the pain she was causing herself, feeling guilty about how much I disliked her as a person. Always stopping before I said out loud, "I hate her." Today that guilt is gone and I have no problem saying it. It's a statement of fact. I don't think it probably jives with being godly but in the past much of my own struggles have been caused by all the "I shouldn't think, I shouldn't feel" statements that I would tell myself denying myself my own strong feelings.

Well no more. It brings me no happiness to say it but it also isn't causing me internal conflict. For my own mental and emotional health, it's the healthy thing to do. Right now, I need to stay healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally so that I can be there to teach my young daughter right and wrong, support and love my husband, and provide the best possible start for life of my unborn son. And if that means I have to call a spade a spade, then that's what I'm going to do.

A Different Kind of Easter

Usually Easter is a time of joy, not only for the reason of Easter, but also because in our family we've always had a fun Easter egg hunt at my parents' house. When I was a kid, before the siblings came along, it would be my parents, their best friends (a married couple), and me running around like nuts in their huge backyard looking for eggs. It was cutthroat and competitive and involved champagne for the adults which led to many hilarious going-ons during the hunt.

Then that couple moved away and the siblings came and my parents' priorities changed. There was still an egg hunt and it was still fun but there started to be more of a focus on material things which always seems to mar the fun of the simple things in life. Now in the past 10 years or so, the egg hunt, while fun during the hunt itself, is surrounded by stress namely my mother who is in charge of hiding the eggs. Unfortunately this stress surrounds every holiday at my parents' house and in order to enjoy the holiday events, I have to consciously focus on the happy moments and now that I. is around, I solely concentrate on her and the joy she experiences to block out the rest of it. It's really no wonder that when we get home from these holidays, I am emotionally and mentally exhausted with all the "focusing" that goes on just to make it through.

I know that today will be no different, in fact it's going to be much worse than normal. Because of risky investment choices, no job/income for months, and a refusal to make lifestyle changes to reduce expenses, my parents did not have enough money to hold Easter. I'm bringing the side dishes and my brother gave them money for the meat and Easter goodies and that's how we're having it. We don't mind, don't get me wrong, but it definitely casts a pall on the day especially considering that my dad is crying pretty much every day at this point. My brother and I are so angry at my sister because she is still living off my parents even though they have no money and unappreciatively too that it may result in a volatile situation today if she pulls any of her usual "it's all about me" shit. And I still haven't figured out a strategy for how I'm going to deal with her if she does. A big part of me thinks that it needs to be said - she needs to get a job and stop spending all her time at the gym (that my parents pay for) and on the internet (which my parents pay for). But I don't want to ruin Easter either....

Guess we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

Post Christmas, Pre-Hibernation

I thought I would write before we descend into the no-computer zone up in Idyllwild tomorrow. I'm looking forward to books, magazines, games, and DVDs at night. Of course, V. will have his new prized possession, his iPad, that I surprised him with for Christmas and that should work up there so we/he won't be completely cut off. The beauty of this hibernation is that it's a furlough week, a week without pay, which means that by law his f-up company cannot contact him. I will take that however I can get it. I got 95% of the packing done today so we can get out of here by late morning which is the strategy because as our Idyllwild luck would have it, there is a snowstorm predicted to hit tomorrow around 4pm. We've been there and done that before, the we-can't-reach-our-cabin-oh-shit moment, and for that reason we always stay as close to the beginning edge of town to try to avoid this. But just to be sure, we are going to try to get there at 2pm before the 40mph wind gusts and snow starts. Believe it or not, it's supposed to feel like 7 below zero by midnight tomorrow. It's going to be pretty doggone cold the whole time we're up there but that's how I like it.

Christmas was a mixed bag. Of course it was good with I. and having V. here for the first time in 3 years. Unfortunately my sister pissed me off several times, almost ruined dinner, and ruined my dessert. She did nothing to help all day and after we (my parents and I) spent 3 hours on dinner and it's almost time to sit down, she starts freaking out trying to find her phone, raising her voice loudly as she wandered the house. I. was having a hard time going to sleep so I told her to get out of the house before I. started calling for me a 4th time. At dinner, she proceeded to cut off 5 pieces of meat, a couple of bites of the sides and shove the remainder of the food onto her bread plate which was right next to my mom's plate. The plate looked like a vomit plate, the way everything was heaped up there. To make matters worse, after she finished her 12 bites of food, she started bugging my mom for more meat, specifically rare meat which there wasn't any left. She kept on until I finally told her to stop harping on my mom and to let her eat her food in peace. Such a bitch. Here's the kicker - when dessert, which consisted of 5 different flavors of cakes, was served everybody took 2 pieces and passed it. She took forever to take 3 pieces and then after everyone finally got a turn, she decided without taking one bite, that she wanted pieces of the other 2 that were left. My dad refused to pass it back down to her, saying that if she wanted more after she was done with what she had she could have some. Well, she threw a tantrum and got up, got 2 more pieces telling my dad that he was a control freak, and sat down. I lost it and told her that she should try making a nice dinner for 3 hours only to have someone throw it all on a "vomit plate" and then make a pig of themselves at dessert and see how well she liked it. I honestly wish she would just disappear - I really hate her. I know that may sound awful to say but after this kind of shit from 14-27 years old, I'm sick of it. Sick of how it ruins our holidays and any get togethers. My only solace is that when my parents are gone, I will have NO problem cutting her out of my life. I've been forced to endure this for so long, too long that when I no longer am required to do so, I will stop without any guilt. I've paid my penance.

V. and I had some time to ourselves to relax and have fun which was nice. This past week I've been so exhausted and it's been great having V. to get I. up in the morning and to help with things around the house. Within 30 minutes of waking up, I'm tired and just not feeling good pretty much until 5pm. It's hard for me to deal with. That's what is good about Idyllwild - no expectations of cleaning, taking care of animals, doing laundry, etc. Yes, I'll make meals and entertain I. but mentally being free of the other stuff really will help. I plan on taking walks in the cold mountain air, breathing in the smell of fireplaces burning, and seeing the forest of trees. I'm looking forward to hibernating.

Thanksgiving Madness

Ah, Thanksgiving Eve. It's always a time of anticipation when my sister is involved but it appears to have gotten even better this year. My brother received an email from my sister and forwarded it to me this morning. She has got to be the most self-centered, bitchy, delusional person I have ever known. Let's review this email, keeping in mind that my sister is almost 28 years old, is not mentally retarded, has no job, and does not go to school. Basically, all she does is live off my parents and is ruining my mother's health literally.

"I think that she could minimize her workload so she could have more time to enjoy herself. She could make appointments at lightening speed and communicate with others plus cut down on all those crappy catalogues that she gets and besides the fact that she could make deposits and the such over the web rather than risk herself getting mugged or something lik Please tell me what you think:)"

By "she", my sister is speaking of my mother. You know the person who she calls and orders to take her here, there, and everywhere at whatever time and day she commands. The person who buys all her groceries, pays her rent and gym membership and cell phone and any gifts that are "given by" my sister. Yeah, she's really concerned about my mother's workload. Actually, she's just irritated that my mother isn't on call for her 24/7 and never wants to be told that my mother can't do something for her. And you know those "crappy catalogues" that my mother gets? My mother enjoys looking at those while she eats lunch and takes a crap but my sister can't fathom that.

"This was something that I saw last night while I was on the Hp site and thought to myself that Mommy really needs, since she has been saying that she is really lonely.I think that this would be a better idea rather than a fancy pantsuit and besides the fact that she could learn how to be more efficent without having to stress her self out.(i.e) if you have looked at your microsoft office 2007 she can make grocery lists, keep track of her bills, do her accounting and other various tasks. Then the fact that the computer happens to be a "digital clutch", kinda like a purse, but much more useful is another great plus. It is a Hp, Vivienne Tam( one of thoses designers' that she likes, and the commercial promoting it is a Indian woman, almost the exact lookalike as the ones that our Godmother Ann painted that she is so fond of. The cover to this laptop has butterflies and is shell pink. It has everything a woman could need, plus the fact that it can fit into her purse or she can carry it like an evening bag. Check it out."

If this was any other than my sister, you may think this is a nice person. That is if you leave out all the bizarre detailed information about designers and the fact that an Indian person in the commercial looks like etc. and for some reason that means my mother needs this thing. Number one, my mother can barely use a cell phone. Number two, my mother is not lonely and even if she's was, she would NEVER tell my sister that because that would just be an invitation for my sister to park herself even more in my mother's daily life. Lastly, she's telling all this to my brother so that HE can buy this $1,000 present for my mom.

"Here's my christmas list I thought you might eye out the jewelery. the juicy necklace and matching bracelet were just some good ideas. feel free to select any of the other pieces or items. hope your day is going well and look forward to seeing on thursday."

I'm sorry, sending your Xmas list to someone who hasn't requested it is just plain rude or delusional or both. He can't even stand being around her, why would he possibly want her Xmas list? And that it's expensive jewelry. But feel free to select any of the other pieces or items. WTF?

"What was the story with Ani how come she wasn"t at i.'s birthday. What is she a what's it? Cause she has definetly got a screw up her ass. Tell her to deposit outside of self more people would appreciate that than say the recycling truck realizes. I do plan on being kind to her and look forward to the choo-choo and chug another making whoopee elsewhere! Love you, just trying to express my feelings and a possible smile somewhere in that lost look you have gotten me despising myself for! "

Ani is Aaron's girlfriend, a really nice girl. She's 18, has a job, goes to school full-time and treats my brother well. And my sister is being really bitchy for no reason. She has always been jealous of his girlfriends, bizarre to say the least and creepy at times. You can't see it but she also called I. by the wrong name. Yeah, she's been alive for 5 years, you'd think she'd know her name by now. Who cares right? I mean, it's not my sister's name so she really doesn't care. And then you can see the level of crazy we're dealing with when we go into the part about choo-choos, chugs, and making whoopee elsewhere.

Yeah, so my brother and I are really looking forward to tomorrow. Looks like it's going to be a real ball of fun. I just hope fights can be avoided, that she lays off my mom or there will be problems, that she doesn't stare at the girls the whole dinner and that my brother and I can find something to laugh about. Some family holidays just have to be approached with low expectations and hope and tomorrow is one of those.

A Toss Up

This vacation has been a toss up so far and we're halfway through now. We've had fun and the ocean water is wonderful - warm and that turquoise blue. I've been able to read in the evening outside listening to the waves which has been nice. The bad part has been that all my fears about I. having a difficult time with the time change were right on target. I know my daughter. She's not the kid who just goes to sleep when she is completely wiped out and done for the day. She's the one that goes literally balls to the wall until she can't. And "can't" doesn't mean go to sleep. "Can't" means she loses it emotionally. She cannot handle anything, not one more thing. My description of this is "emotional whack job" because this describes it perfectly. Anything and everything can set it off and it will continue for hours. Screaming tantrums, crying meltdowns - it can be a melting popsicle or a stern look from me to set it off.

I've been trying my best to get her the sleep she needs because I don't want V. and her sisters who don't see her often to see the worst of her. This is not how she normally acts unless she doesn't get sleep. I've moved up her bedtime to get her 12 hours a night but it's obviously not enough, especially considering the major deficit the first two nights. Already I'm thinking ahead to the long day of travelling we have facing us on Wednesday because if she continues down this road (a building sleep deficit), things are going to be REALLY dicey on that day. I got her in bed at 6:45 tonight after a day at the beach and she would have gone to sleep if not for the poopies that showed up at 8:00 and her claim that she was now hungry. So much for the earlier bedtime, now she's sure to be an emotional whack job tomorrow.

I enjoy and rest in between these stresses and tantrums but it's hard to let go completely especially knowing we have that long travel day and that things are deteriorating further each day. I used to dread going home after a vacation but maybe I won't this time because I'll be looking forward to getting I. back on her sleep schedule and her normal food (which has been an issue too). I guess that might be a benefit of a semi-tough vacation.

Nothing is panning out for my dad work wise this week and he sounds dejected. Maybe being away on this vacation isn't so bad...

You've Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me Part 2

I woke up this morning not feeling too great after a late night, emotional drama, that extra drink, and the knowledge that today is The Day. I was tearing up as I put my pajamas on but pulled it together to get I. up and fed.

I had just sat down for breakfast when the phone rang and I answered it, thinking it was V. calling us back. It wasn't. It was my dad who tells me that his esteemed friend and mentor who he has been working for unceremoniously eliminated his position yesterday and threw him out on the street. Oh yeah, please send the laptop back too while you're at it.

To say that my dad is crushed doesn't even scratch the surface. He is panicked and hurt beyond words. He trusted this guy and worked for pennies because he was promised another position and stock in the company. This is the third time this has happened to him. This is the third time I've gotten one of these phone calls from him. Sobbing his heart out, saying they'll lose the house, he's a 63 year old loser, etc. On today, of all days. He needs my help updating his resume and I need to do it now because I'm leaving on vacation soon. I will be calling him back in an hour to see what edits he needs. I fully anticipate that this will be another emotional phone call. I am worried about him because I think they are probably not in good shape financially and my father has his value as a person defined by what he has been able to provide for his family.

My stomach is in knots, my blood pressure feels like it's sky high, I am light headed. I'm having to seal all this off into a compartment so that I can still function as a full-time mother and this "act" is making me feel like I'm losing my mind. If it wasn't so horrible, it would be ridiculous, utterly and absolutely ridiculous.

4th of July

I'm trying to get psyched up for today but it's a little difficult. Today is going to be a LONG day over at my parents' house because today is not only the 4th of July which means a bbq and fireworks at 9pm (God help me) but we also celebrate my brother's birthday. This year though he already opened his presents from my parents so not to be scrutinized by my sister so all he has left are our few presents and anything my sister gets him (bought by my mother of course). So we're going to get there at 1:30 and be there until about 9:45. That is a long day, especially with possible drama. Ugh!

There is a possibility that my sister will be bringing some dude that she discovered online. Not someone that she was matched with but just some random guy that she started a conversation with. He asked her out for 2 nights in a row without even having met her which is strange. He's 32 with 2 little kids that live with him Monday-Thursday. This is obviously not the right guy since my sister doesn't like to compete with a guy's jobs, hobbies, sports, television shows, and most of all children. The only possible good side to the dude being there is that she might act more normal since for God's sake, she only met him Thursday night. I just hope he's not weird like the last dude she brought to 4th of July a couple of years ago but how could he possibly not be weird if he's with her?

On days like today, I just hope for the best - no fights, no bitchy dramas, that it goes by quickly, that there is some element of fun, and that I. sleeps through the fireworks.

Family

We're heading to the Fair in a little while to meet my parents. Now that my evil sister has been relocated to another room in another unsuspecting person's house, she doesn't have to be at their house all day, every day. So we're actually able to do some things with my parents again. Of course, it's all on the down -low because we can't say we ever see each other when my sister is around or there will be hell to pay.

I had a humorous conversation with my brother last night. We were talking business at first but the conversation came around as it usually does to my sister. His birthday is this weekend and we'll be getting together on the Fourth and he was hoping she wouldn't have to be there. Since it's the Fourth though, she has to be there. He's going to open all his presents on Friday night when she's not there so he doesn't have to go through the inevitable evil eye from her as she sits there calculating how much each present cost and if she got an equal amount on her birthday. She did this crap back when she was 6; some things don't change.

We started cracking up so hard reliving all the weird stuff from Father's Day she did. For instance, she sat there and told my brother for 15 minutes all the places she had applied to. Then we all sat down to eat and 5 minutes later she's done, gets up and announces to him, "I feel really guilty for talking to you." and goes in the house. Part of the hilarity is obviously the comment, but the other part is that no one even acknowledged that she said it and just started talking about some random topic. Of course, my brother and I made eye contact and I said to him, "What the heck just happened there?" and we both started laughing. Or how about how she announced to my brother, "I need a hug." and gives this really long, strange hug. Okay, so what was so strange about that you ask? Because after she did it, she turned to his girlfriend and asked, "Does that make you jealous?" Huh, what?! Ewww, what the heck does that mean? Weird stuff like that constantly and how it's completely ignored is both bizarre, maddening, and hilarious all at the same time.

Our other favorite is how she spends a lot of time detailing out to both of us EVERYTHING she's been doing in minutiae, trying to convince us that she is SO busy. Obviously much busier than either of us. I mean she's spends 2-3 hours at the gym (with her big dark sunglasses on) and about the same time at the library - if I did that every day, I'd be exhausted from being so busy. Just a bit of sarcasm there.

This is the fun you get when you have an insane person at all your family gatherings. It's very conflicting because on one hand you feel bad for her but on the other hand, we are both so tired of 14+ years of this crap and the price it's exacted on my parents and family that it's hard not to lash out. So that's why we laugh.

It Pisses Me Off

Warning: this is a written temper tantrum. A very necessary one because if I don't get it out, it's going to eat at me and most likely lead to a night filled with nightmares. If you don't want to partake of a tantrum, don't read this.

A little history - V. wanted to take the girls to Puerto Rico for their graduation present. Of course, I was in charge of doing all the research and making all arrangements for this big trip to happen. I did. Not only that, I researched what forms of ID we would all need to successfully make this trip. I told V. over 2 months ago that the girls would need a government ID (they don't have driver's licenses) to travel since they were 18 and I made sure he passed on the info to the ex.

Fast forward to tonight. We are now 28 days away from the trip and V. has reminded the ex about the ID at least a couple of times. Well, she FINALLY went down today with them and found out that it takes at least 6 weeks to get the IDs. Not going to work. So they will have to get expedited passports. Irritation yes. What led me straight to irate is that WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR ONE OF THOSE F*CKING EXPEDITED PASSPORTS.

Now how the f*ck is that fair?! I do everything and provide the necessary info ahead of time and she procrastinates and I STILL have to pay for it. I can't tell you how angry that makes me. When I made a mistake on her f*cking check while V. was in Saudi, I had to pay extra money to correct it. I didn't ask her to pay the money to make my mistake right so why the F*CK do I have to pay hundreds of dollars because she is a f*ckin procrastinator.

I swear to God, when they say being a stepparent is hard, that doesn't even scratch the surface. And it really isn't hard when it comes to the kids themselves. It's hard dealing with the conniving, immature ex and how she has raised those kids. At this point, I swear to God, I would rather hand this $200 to a homeless person on the street that I will never see again. It would be more satisfying I think.

If there was more consistency then I'd be more okay with this constant "gimme, gimmee". For instance, if we are on the hook for half the Xmas and birthday presents, half the prom, graduation, and yearbook costs, and more than half of the monthly costs, why the hell aren't we just on the hook for HALF the graduation present cost? Why doesn't SHE pay for half of this cost?

See, that's what gets me. It's like what's hers is hers and what's ours is hers. I'm over here saving money, working hours at night on the computer for extra money when I'm tired and don't feel like it and for what? To pay for her f*ckups and demands?

Being a stepparent just sucks sometimes. Sandra Bullock, be glad you got out when you did.

This Should Be a Doozer

Tonight is the girls' graduation ceremony. The details surrounding this event get weirder by the moment.

First of all, until yesterday, we didn't know where, what time, or how we were going to get the tickets for the graduation. Don't most people know these things ahead of time? I guess we were lucky to just be allowed to go.

Second, we knew there was a party back at the ex's house because the girls were telling us about it but we didn't know if we were invited. V. said it didn't matter, we weren't going.

So here we are the night before the event and we're finally informed of a few things: where the ceremony is taking place and that it's at 6pm. It's still up in the air as to where we are meeting to pick up the tickets but we've been told that there is a dinner at some restaurant afterwards and that we are to be there. WHAT?! Who waits til the night before to invite someone to a dinner that has obviously been in the works for weeks? I joked that someone must have gotten sick and we've been thrown in as stand-ins.

It was also communicated through the ex that one of the girls is concerned that V. is going to show up in a button down 3 piece suit and embarrass the family. Wow - that's a little weird. V. is going to look sharp in his Leisure Suit, no just kidding. But he is going to look handsome and I'm going to be with him so lucky me. Also, it was communicated that there is concern that V. will not be nice and talkative to the boyfriend. That may be a valid concern since V. isn't that talkative most of the time as we all know. I'm sure he will be very nice to him though and if not, I'll kick him.

What I do know for certain is that this is going to be a really STRANGE situation and one in which I wish I could find that flask that Mark gave me for Christmas so long ago. There is going to be so much FAKE FAKE FAKE going on I may get nauseous - fake tans, fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake compliments, fake attitudes, fake behaviors. At the very least, it should be quite entertaining to watch.

Bizarre Phone Call

Just to illustrate the unique strangeness of my family situation, there's the phone call of last night from my dad. He was calling to find out my opinion of what was the best dating website out there. Like I would know, being married and all. But they figured I'd be able to find out and let them know. They had spent a good portion of the day filling out Eharmony.com's questionnaire with my sister. As V. put it, "Who the heck does that with their daughter?" To which I responded, "A pair of desperate parents." She's been applying everywhere for jobs to no avail which is not shocking considering how she acts. So my parents have decided the only way to get her off their dime and out of their daily life is to foist her onto some unwitting guy. Those are my dad's words.

It actually turned into a hilarious conversation, leaving my dad and I howling with laughter due to the one liners flying out of us. He said there wasn't a website for "damaged goods" so that's why they were trying Eharmony. He said that he'd throw in a goat, cow or whatever farm animal it took to seal the deal and get someone to take her off their hands. Though she put she wanted a tall, athletic guy, she wants that same guy to not play any sports nor watch any sports. My dad's translation is that she wants a good looking guy that has no life outside of sitting on the couch telling her how wonderful she is and listening to her lengthy, rambling rants. Sadly, he's right. I told him he should get some of those feather banners and place them out on the main road leading to where she is living - "Girl Available for Dating!" Then as they got closer the signs would say "Turn HERE!" and then the next one would be "You Missed Her! U-TURN NOW!"

The sad part as I reminded him is that even if she finds someone, it doesn't mean it's a permanent solution. In fact, her new nickname is "boomerang" because she always comes back. What a completely un-funny situation for my parents - I'm glad I could get my dad to laugh about it instead of crying which is what he felt like doing.

Family Weekend

Father's Day weekend turned out really nice. The girls didn't come down which caused an argument between V. and the ex but what was good was that he was able to be home both mornings and on Father's Day, we were able to pamper him and open gifts without rushing. Plus we didn't have the girls sitting there watching V. opening Father's Day gifts from I. and I while they sat there with no present, no card, no nothin'. So this year, I. and I went out of our way to make V. feel special - his favorite breakfast, hand picked cards, and well-thought out presents.

Even the afternoon at my parents' went pretty smoothly except for some irritations due to my sister. No surprise there but there were no blowups and I was able to diffuse my irritations with comments, some under my breath, others not and that worked for the day.

Saturday was a good day too though with some small window of anguish but we successfully, albeit painfully, made it through to the other sunny side. That's all I'm going to say about that. Mark's anniversary is quickly approaching, people are RSVP'ing for his party and some sadness is descending on my inner soul. I don't consciously identify it, it's just a heaviness that leaves me mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day. Having a shoulder injury affect every aspect of my day and nights since Labor Day probably doesn't help with that exhaustion either.

I'm looking forward to having a day and a half off with V. by ourselves. The graduation is Thursday night and though we may be treated as the red headed step children due to the recent fight, I don't give a flying f*ck. I'm glad V. called the ex on this BS that's been occurring the last 2 years and if she doesn't like it, f*ck her. After it's over, she'll go be the queen bee at the grad party they're hosting (we're not invited) and we'll escape to Redondo Beach for a couple nights and a day of relaxation and fun. Can't wait!

A Day

Today was a day - some laughs, some crying, some getting things off of chests, and of course some insanity. Your basic emotional roller coaster that I could seriously do without. I can't wait to see what night terrors my subconscience puts together tonight as it attempts to process this day. I'll try to be succinct.

This afternoon was my sister's birthday celebration. Does it make me a horrible person to say it's hard to celebrate anything about her? Part of me feels guilty and part of me looks at the toll it has taken on my mother and how she's caused my parents to be out of my and I.'s life for the past year and then I don't feel guilty at all, I just feel mad.

First the getting things off chests, my sister was telling me how much she was working out in the gym and was showing me her muscles. She kept going on about it til I couldn't take it and I said, "That's good you're going taking care of yourself but how is the job search going?" Then she started talking about a possibility at Walmart from 11pm-8am blah-blah-blah and I could feel my mother tensing up but I wasn't sure why UNTIL my sister makes a comment about my parents taking her to work at 10:45pm every night and then picking her up first thing in the morning. I said, "Maybe you should get a moped or something to get you there." She gave me this disdainful look like I was out of my fucking mind and said sarcastically, "I should just get a bicycle then." I said, "That's even better because then you could get a workout in before and after work." She gave me this snotty look which caused the gloves to come off. I told her that she needed to get a job and start being an adult because I was tired of watching my mom stressing out and getting all these health problems as a result. It's been the same story about "looking" for a job for 5 years and there's always an excuse and I was tired of it. Later she acted like it never happened and after all the drugs she's taken, maybe in her jacked-up mind, it never did.

Of course the insanity had to do with my sister. Namely the fact that yesterday she picked up a random snake by the side of the road, put it in her purse/bag and then took it to the library with her. She figured out later on, after she carried it with her the whole day, that it was a rattlesnake. What a moron. The usual overly loud, out of control laughter about nothing. When it was time to leave, I went to give her a hug (it was her birthday party for God's sakes) and she was laughing uproariously so while hugging, I asked her why and it turns out she had farted. She's 27 years old and she farted in the kitchen right next to me. Do I really need to say anything more?

The laughter part was related to the rattlesnake incident. My sister had text messaged my brother about the snake yesterday so one of her presents from him were frozen mice. He had told me beforehand so we were all howling when she started opening it. He has a funny sense of humor and I like that. That was the good part of the day.

The crying part was tonight after we got home. V. acted again today when we left my parents' house like I was annoying, just like he did on Saturday morning and it crushed me. We were in separate cars so I had the whole drive home to ruminate over it which is never a good thing. I really don't want to go into the details but leave it said that I'm not in a great place and have teared up several times tonight. I just feel like he doesn't like me very much, doesn't find me funny, and is distant again. He poopoos all of it but it doesn't change his behavior. All my old insecurities are popping up in a big way tonight and I'm desperately hoping that a night's sleep and a good family day tomorrow will help.