Dichotomy + Anger

It's been a long week, a lot going on.  V. left on Sunday morning in the wee hours and just got back tonight.  It feels like it should be Friday. 

The dichotomy part is that there are some really good parts, funny, memorable times in the day followed by some really frustrating, chaotic times.  For some reason I find it hard to process a day where I feel "high" but some really simple, quiet peaceful time of day and then later encounter a tumultuous, exhausting, out of control time of day.  It's almost as though the emotional swing of events is more tiring than the actual events themselves.

Take for instance today.  Enjoyed a Costco trip solely on the fact that D. enjoyed all the samples even though they were spicy and then we ate lunch together at home.  Quiet, relaxed, one on one time.  Then bedtime came round with me and both the kids and it was like game on. Chaos, I. crying, D. biting - I think I need to read Dante's Inferno to gain perspective at this point.  I think once D. gets older, it will get easier but for now, it's insanity.

This week was also hard because V. was at a conference instead of just working away from home.  Conferences mean work during the day and play at night, I remember.  The play part is not the problem, it's just that it meant that I didn't get to talk to V. pretty much until the third night he was gone.  By that point, a lot had happened and because I didn't talk about it with him, I was wrapped around in my head.  Even tonight when he got home, I just felt quiet and depressed.  This is in direct contrast to how I felt this morning when I found out that the company trip to New York for V. beating his goals does NOT fall on our vacation.  The day after we get back from our vacation but I can make that work.

I think the pivotal thing coloring my mental and emotional thinking is my conversation with my mother yesterday.  Her update on my sister and what she (my sister) thinks she is going to do when she gets out of jail angered me.  I don't want to get into details but she continues to try to manipulate my parents and dictate what she is going to do when she gets out.  It makes me angry, really deep down angry.  The kind of anger that seethes, that causes me to become mute and draw into myself.  This is really when I could use martial arts to hit and kick and get it all out.