My days can be tiring, both physically in keeping up with D. and emotionally in navigating I.'s moods and daily frustrations. V.'s work schedule has ramped up this year and right now we are in the middle of a really busy work time. Aside from a few hours on Wednesday night for my birthday, V. has been gone since Monday and I don't know if I'll see him before next Friday when I have planned a long weekend in Laguna Beach as a belated birthday break for me. My BBB! He was supposed to be home this afternoon but it's not going to happen. I. is going to be really disappointed, even more so than I.
Aside from all this, I've had a predominant thought in my mind for the past couple of months and it is this: this is the best time of my life. Really. Truly. Do I get frustrated, lonely, tired, and angry at times? Yes. But looking at the great scheme of things of where I've been and where I am now and I can unequivocally say that This is it. What I always hoped for, dreamed of, and now am getting to enjoy.
It's not perfect - I'd like to be able to have V.'s company a lot more, it makes our connection so much easier and comforting. Really though when is it ever perfect? Waiting for perfect means it'll never come. Acknowledging that my life is really happy and fulfilling 99% of the time and concentrating on each moment as it comes is important and leads to realizing how great this time is now. Life passes by so quickly and my kids will only be young and with me for so short a time. Taking alone time for V. and I reconnects us and by doing it more often, we fall in mental sync (i.e. saying the same thing at the same time) within 20 minutes.
I'm almost to the point of being thankful for Saudi Arabia because I really think it showed both of us that we could have lost what we had and how far off the path we had gotten. More importantly, it has provided both of us a point of reference of where we cannot get to again and in my case, where I refuse to ever even get close to. It's made me like the canary in the coal mine. I even smell emotional disconnect and the walls being erected and I'm like my parrot, Hootie, when he goes into his shrieking, car-alarm mode. Almost thankful but not quite yet; maybe in a couple more years.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Our Puerto Rico Trip
Sometimes the best way to communicate is through pictures. And always the most time efficient way is to communicate through pictures.
Not a lot of sleep, lots of adventure and relaxation and too much alcohol. A good, adult trip.
A Puerto Rico sunset.
A view of the private island from the ferry.
View from our room.
Sitting on the beach of the private island.
Does it get any better than this?!
Room view of the nighttime reception
Paradise.
Going on 10 years married...
Beautiful
Fun ATV adventure.
Puerto Rican dinner on our own. A pitcher of passionfruit sangria and a multi-meat/seafood paella - SCORE!
Friend we made on the ATV adventure.
El Yunque Rainforest, this time without the crying child.
Not a lot of sleep, lots of adventure and relaxation and too much alcohol. A good, adult trip.
Monday, January 9, 2012
My Boys
Yesterday morning, I began my day in bed with my baby boy in nothing but his diaper. We snuggled under the covers as I used my body heat to warm his little body. As I fed his body, our togetherness fed my soul.
Yesterday evening, I ended the day in bed with my big boy (V.) in nothing but his briefs. We snuggled under the covers, using our body heat to warm each other up. Our togetherness fed my soul.
It was a good day all around with my boys.
Yesterday evening, I ended the day in bed with my big boy (V.) in nothing but his briefs. We snuggled under the covers, using our body heat to warm each other up. Our togetherness fed my soul.
It was a good day all around with my boys.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Good Stuff
Here's two things that fit into this category.
One is the 10-15 minutes a day after I. goes to bed and D. is going to have a bath when D. and I sit in the glider and have a tete-a-tete, eye to eye session. I look forward to it all day because the rest of the day is spent with him feeding, napping, and us shuttling I. to and from kindergarten. With D. needing sleep every 2 hours, it doesn't leave us any time to just relax while he is awake. Well, there is some time in the morning but that's when I. gets her time with D. and I'm usually finishing up getting ready and stuffing something for breakfast in my mouth. But that 10-15 minutes at the end of the day is wonderful. D. gives me the biggest smiles while his big blue eyes just stare at me and then he'll coo and move his lips and tongue around as he tries to communicate with me. It's just awesome and almost always brings tears to my eyes. I'm really enjoying these sweet moments of these early days.
The second thing that is good stuff is that today is V. and I's 8th wedding anniversary. It's gotten to the point that I'm more excited about this day than I am my own birthday because it marks a real accomplishment in these times, especially considering the stresses of V.'s work taking him away to the ends of the earth for extended lengths of time. We're in a good place this anniversary. A couple of anniversaries ago, after Mark had died and V. had been in Saudi Arabia for almost 18 months, we were in recovery stage from all that these major stresses had caused. That anniversary was more like, "Whew, we actually made it to this one." Not this year. This year feels like a renewal of sorts now that D. is here and completes our family. We feel lucky and blessed and this little guy makes both of us smile involuntarily and often. Seeing I. so thrilled and in love with D. also makes us happy. Life is good. I'm looking forward to dinner at George's where we had our wedding reception too. As V. puts it, "returning to the scene of the crime". How that day came about was a miracle in and of itself and every year, we reflect back with a lot of smiles, head shakings, and retelling of who reeled who in on the proverbial fishing pole. Every year it's a fun time and I anticipate this year will be no different.
One is the 10-15 minutes a day after I. goes to bed and D. is going to have a bath when D. and I sit in the glider and have a tete-a-tete, eye to eye session. I look forward to it all day because the rest of the day is spent with him feeding, napping, and us shuttling I. to and from kindergarten. With D. needing sleep every 2 hours, it doesn't leave us any time to just relax while he is awake. Well, there is some time in the morning but that's when I. gets her time with D. and I'm usually finishing up getting ready and stuffing something for breakfast in my mouth. But that 10-15 minutes at the end of the day is wonderful. D. gives me the biggest smiles while his big blue eyes just stare at me and then he'll coo and move his lips and tongue around as he tries to communicate with me. It's just awesome and almost always brings tears to my eyes. I'm really enjoying these sweet moments of these early days.
The second thing that is good stuff is that today is V. and I's 8th wedding anniversary. It's gotten to the point that I'm more excited about this day than I am my own birthday because it marks a real accomplishment in these times, especially considering the stresses of V.'s work taking him away to the ends of the earth for extended lengths of time. We're in a good place this anniversary. A couple of anniversaries ago, after Mark had died and V. had been in Saudi Arabia for almost 18 months, we were in recovery stage from all that these major stresses had caused. That anniversary was more like, "Whew, we actually made it to this one." Not this year. This year feels like a renewal of sorts now that D. is here and completes our family. We feel lucky and blessed and this little guy makes both of us smile involuntarily and often. Seeing I. so thrilled and in love with D. also makes us happy. Life is good. I'm looking forward to dinner at George's where we had our wedding reception too. As V. puts it, "returning to the scene of the crime". How that day came about was a miracle in and of itself and every year, we reflect back with a lot of smiles, head shakings, and retelling of who reeled who in on the proverbial fishing pole. Every year it's a fun time and I anticipate this year will be no different.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Content
It's nice when I. is in a good mood in the morning. It makes waking up and getting on with the day a pleasure rather than hoppung up a hill backwards on one leg. Well, I need to amend this immediately because I just jinxed it and she's having a hissy fit about something. This is what I mean by high maintenance. Everything can be going well, she's happy and then whammo, nothing really happens and she's pissy. It's like Braxton Hicks for her preteen/teenage years I guess.
This weekend the girls finally came down to visit, the first time since Christmas and V. told them about the what's it. They were really excited and I was stoked about that. It's different now than before. This time they are grown woman (almost 19) so it's a new level of excitement and interest than when they were 13. It probably helped that one of the girl's boyfriend's mother just had a baby last month and there was excitement surrounding that. I'm just happy that they are happy and the three of us were talking last night about the changes that have already occurred much to V.'s chagrin. I thought it was interesting that there was no comment from the ex. Many Saturday nights when they are here, she will speak to V. briefly but last night, nope.
I'm hoping that my sinus torture will be better today. Yesterday was much better than the day before so hopefully it'll all be over soon. My real concern is that I am prone to sinus infections so if this hangs on for too long, it would turn into one and then we'd have to deal with antibiotics and the what's it.
I'm looking forward to this evening with V. Today is Super Bowl and we have chips and salsa plus meats for bbq'ing during half time. It's fun to cook a dinner together as a team and then eat it while watching the Super Bowl together. It's the little things that add up to make the difference in marriage, at least that's my thought.
This weekend the girls finally came down to visit, the first time since Christmas and V. told them about the what's it. They were really excited and I was stoked about that. It's different now than before. This time they are grown woman (almost 19) so it's a new level of excitement and interest than when they were 13. It probably helped that one of the girl's boyfriend's mother just had a baby last month and there was excitement surrounding that. I'm just happy that they are happy and the three of us were talking last night about the changes that have already occurred much to V.'s chagrin. I thought it was interesting that there was no comment from the ex. Many Saturday nights when they are here, she will speak to V. briefly but last night, nope.
I'm hoping that my sinus torture will be better today. Yesterday was much better than the day before so hopefully it'll all be over soon. My real concern is that I am prone to sinus infections so if this hangs on for too long, it would turn into one and then we'd have to deal with antibiotics and the what's it.
I'm looking forward to this evening with V. Today is Super Bowl and we have chips and salsa plus meats for bbq'ing during half time. It's fun to cook a dinner together as a team and then eat it while watching the Super Bowl together. It's the little things that add up to make the difference in marriage, at least that's my thought.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Cinderella
You know how when you have a really good dream and it's one of those realistic ones that you actually are feeling exactly how it would feel in real life but then you wake up and realize sadly that it was just a dream? That's how I felt today. But first the good stuff...(yes, this is going to be a long post)
I neglected to mention in this morning's post something surprising that V. did on Sunday. A longtime work friend is leaving for Australia for a couple of years and wanted to get together with V. in LA before he left. So V. told me he was going to spend Sunday up there with him and would be spending the night up there and I was fine with that as long as he didn't have a hangover for our anniversary.
First of all, I thought he was spending all day watching sports with his friend but he didn't end up leaving until 2:45 so we got to spend most of the day together after all. He drove all the way up to Pasadena getting there around 5:30. He watched the game and left at 9pm and drove all the way home so he could sleep here. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I figured if he got out having fun with this guy, he would be like a dog waiting for the gate to be left open. When I asked him about it last night at dinner, he said that sleeping in a hotel wasn't anything special and that he wanted to sleep at home because he hardly ever got to. Sad but true and I was so glad that he felt like that since I felt the same way.
Yesterday morning, V. posted on his Facebook page for all to see that "Seven years ago I married the hottest girl in San Diego." Okay, so once I picked myself off the floor, I texted him asking if he was feeling okay because that was a declaration of love for all to see. I couldn't believe it. When he got home in the late afternoon, he had a beautiful bouquet of red roses with my favorite sweet smelling lilies mixed in - wow!
Dinner was terrific though it had a twist at the beginning. It turns out that the lobsters didn't get Al Gore's memo that there's global warming and that due to an extra cold ocean temperature this summer, there were not enough local lobsters to have a tasting menu. The waiter was aware that we had had our reception and anniversary dinners at this restaurant but didn't know until I told him that we always got the lobster tasting menu with wine pairing. When he found out, he said, "Let me talk to the chef for a minute." and then the manager came over and few minutes later and said that if we wanted, the chef would put together a special tasting menu with a Maine lobster and do a wine pairing with it. If we wanted?! Well of course I wanted but the price was high so I hesitated. V. looked over and said that he knew I looked forward to this all year and to please not worry about the price. That statement really communicated his love to me - it was so generous, loving, and sweet of him. So we went for it and the chef did not disappoint. In fact, he enjoyed it so much that he came out at the end of the dinner to shake our hands and thank us for letting him be so creative and trusting his choices. I felt like I was a celebrity on The Food Network or something.
While the food was wonderful, V. and I had an even more wonderful time, talking, flirting, and teasing. His card was touching and he agreed with what I wrote in my card that we are better now than we were before and that this anniversary is so much better than last year's. The whole day was perfect.
Which brings me to the title of my post. Because I went to bed on cloud nine, sleeping next to my hubby who made me feel so special and loved by his actions two days in a row. And I woke up to an empty bed like usual and once I. went to school, I was by myself and silent like always. It was like the clock struck midnight, the dream ended, and reality began.
I know "Wah", right? It's just that I would do so much better with a more gradual change of things, you know like easing back into my normal workweek. On the weekends, we're all together and then BAM - it's just I. and me and when she's in school, it's just me. Which would be fine if V. was home at night for dinner and company. Hopefully, he'll get pulled into some LA projects soon and then we may be able to have a more "normal" family life and marriage. Really, life would be SO much easier for us if we could have a few more nights together in a week.
I neglected to mention in this morning's post something surprising that V. did on Sunday. A longtime work friend is leaving for Australia for a couple of years and wanted to get together with V. in LA before he left. So V. told me he was going to spend Sunday up there with him and would be spending the night up there and I was fine with that as long as he didn't have a hangover for our anniversary.
First of all, I thought he was spending all day watching sports with his friend but he didn't end up leaving until 2:45 so we got to spend most of the day together after all. He drove all the way up to Pasadena getting there around 5:30. He watched the game and left at 9pm and drove all the way home so he could sleep here. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I figured if he got out having fun with this guy, he would be like a dog waiting for the gate to be left open. When I asked him about it last night at dinner, he said that sleeping in a hotel wasn't anything special and that he wanted to sleep at home because he hardly ever got to. Sad but true and I was so glad that he felt like that since I felt the same way.
Yesterday morning, V. posted on his Facebook page for all to see that "Seven years ago I married the hottest girl in San Diego." Okay, so once I picked myself off the floor, I texted him asking if he was feeling okay because that was a declaration of love for all to see. I couldn't believe it. When he got home in the late afternoon, he had a beautiful bouquet of red roses with my favorite sweet smelling lilies mixed in - wow!
Dinner was terrific though it had a twist at the beginning. It turns out that the lobsters didn't get Al Gore's memo that there's global warming and that due to an extra cold ocean temperature this summer, there were not enough local lobsters to have a tasting menu. The waiter was aware that we had had our reception and anniversary dinners at this restaurant but didn't know until I told him that we always got the lobster tasting menu with wine pairing. When he found out, he said, "Let me talk to the chef for a minute." and then the manager came over and few minutes later and said that if we wanted, the chef would put together a special tasting menu with a Maine lobster and do a wine pairing with it. If we wanted?! Well of course I wanted but the price was high so I hesitated. V. looked over and said that he knew I looked forward to this all year and to please not worry about the price. That statement really communicated his love to me - it was so generous, loving, and sweet of him. So we went for it and the chef did not disappoint. In fact, he enjoyed it so much that he came out at the end of the dinner to shake our hands and thank us for letting him be so creative and trusting his choices. I felt like I was a celebrity on The Food Network or something.
While the food was wonderful, V. and I had an even more wonderful time, talking, flirting, and teasing. His card was touching and he agreed with what I wrote in my card that we are better now than we were before and that this anniversary is so much better than last year's. The whole day was perfect.
Which brings me to the title of my post. Because I went to bed on cloud nine, sleeping next to my hubby who made me feel so special and loved by his actions two days in a row. And I woke up to an empty bed like usual and once I. went to school, I was by myself and silent like always. It was like the clock struck midnight, the dream ended, and reality began.
I know "Wah", right? It's just that I would do so much better with a more gradual change of things, you know like easing back into my normal workweek. On the weekends, we're all together and then BAM - it's just I. and me and when she's in school, it's just me. Which would be fine if V. was home at night for dinner and company. Hopefully, he'll get pulled into some LA projects soon and then we may be able to have a more "normal" family life and marriage. Really, life would be SO much easier for us if we could have a few more nights together in a week.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Seven Years Ago
Seven years ago (plus an hour), V. and I were married in a sunny chapel down in La Jolla surrounded by our friends and family and then enjoyed a lunch party at George's. Tonight we will be heading to George's for our traditional anniversary dinner and I have my fingers crossed that they will have their lobster tasting menu and wine pairing. It is Bliss with a capital B. It's also EXPENSIVE in all caps but it's once a year and considering what we've been through the last couple of years, am I really going to worry about what one dinner costs?
Speaking of what we've been through, I am happy and relieved that this anniversary we are in much better shape than last anniversary. We weren't fighting or anything like that. It was more like so much had gone on but was still floating under the bridge. We had non verbally called a truce just to get some time and distance to begin healing but nothing was really resolved so uneasily we both knew that it could all happen again.
But it all got processed and I think we not only understand ourselves a little better, we are more careful with one another to not let things get that way. If we even sense it's going that way, I'll be the first to call us out on it. I guess I'm the canary of this coal mine. Hopefully the lessons we've learned can continue to be applied to ward off the pitfalls of the last year or so. Things would be so much easier if we could just live in the same house seven days a week but that doesn't seem to be in the cards anytime soon.
So we go into this dinner and into our eighth year, happy and strong and I'm proud of that.
Speaking of what we've been through, I am happy and relieved that this anniversary we are in much better shape than last anniversary. We weren't fighting or anything like that. It was more like so much had gone on but was still floating under the bridge. We had non verbally called a truce just to get some time and distance to begin healing but nothing was really resolved so uneasily we both knew that it could all happen again.
But it all got processed and I think we not only understand ourselves a little better, we are more careful with one another to not let things get that way. If we even sense it's going that way, I'll be the first to call us out on it. I guess I'm the canary of this coal mine. Hopefully the lessons we've learned can continue to be applied to ward off the pitfalls of the last year or so. Things would be so much easier if we could just live in the same house seven days a week but that doesn't seem to be in the cards anytime soon.
So we go into this dinner and into our eighth year, happy and strong and I'm proud of that.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
A Sad First
Of course I miss Mark. And of course I've wished I could talk to him openly, totally relaxed, and honestly like we used to. But since he's died, I'm always cognizant that Mark's dead and I can't talk to him.
Yet this afternoon, after I had been by myself for a couple of hours while I. was at preschool, I thought, "Oh I'll call Mark." Because that's what I used to do when I had a moment to myself. And after he got sick, I used to check in with him briefly every Saturday evening.
And then I remembered, "I can't talk to Mark anymore."
And it made me sad, very sad because he was a friend that would never cancel plans with me, never let me down, and be there when I needed him the most. Basically the kind of friend I was to him.
No, I don't have a lot of friends and I know it's because of me. It's not that I'm unfriendly or don't like people, it's because that's who I am. I don't like to spread myself thin, I like to invest. That doesn't just hold true for friendships but relationships in general. I wasn't the girl who dated a lot of guys but the ones I did go out with I was totally invested in and usually ended up getting my heart broken as a result. That's the downside of me. The upside is that when I do make a connection, it is one that I will fight to the death for with all of my being and when it works out, it's truly a one of a kind relationship.
My friendship with Mark was one of a kind. My relationship with V. is one of a kind. With all the crap that has been endured in the past 3 years, our marriage is surprisingly fresh and strong. Some fine tuning here and there has helped bolster our confidence that we really are on the same team and injecting some fun along the way has helped us recapture the early days. We may not always take the same road but we always wind up in the same place.
Yet this afternoon, after I had been by myself for a couple of hours while I. was at preschool, I thought, "Oh I'll call Mark." Because that's what I used to do when I had a moment to myself. And after he got sick, I used to check in with him briefly every Saturday evening.
And then I remembered, "I can't talk to Mark anymore."
And it made me sad, very sad because he was a friend that would never cancel plans with me, never let me down, and be there when I needed him the most. Basically the kind of friend I was to him.
No, I don't have a lot of friends and I know it's because of me. It's not that I'm unfriendly or don't like people, it's because that's who I am. I don't like to spread myself thin, I like to invest. That doesn't just hold true for friendships but relationships in general. I wasn't the girl who dated a lot of guys but the ones I did go out with I was totally invested in and usually ended up getting my heart broken as a result. That's the downside of me. The upside is that when I do make a connection, it is one that I will fight to the death for with all of my being and when it works out, it's truly a one of a kind relationship.
My friendship with Mark was one of a kind. My relationship with V. is one of a kind. With all the crap that has been endured in the past 3 years, our marriage is surprisingly fresh and strong. Some fine tuning here and there has helped bolster our confidence that we really are on the same team and injecting some fun along the way has helped us recapture the early days. We may not always take the same road but we always wind up in the same place.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Vegas Recap
So here's kicking off the Vegas post. I may just let the pictures do most of the talking...
Our room at the Venetian in the newer Venezia Tower was great once you got to it. We got a special check-in which was great on a Friday night though hiking through the maze of corridors and elevators was challenging, especially depending upon how many adult beverages had been consumed.
I bought this dress for a No Doubt concert last summer that happened 2 weeks after Mark died. I actually bought it at the same time that I bought my funeral dress but was trying to get me in the mood for a concert. Under the circumstances, it was hard to own it then but I wanted to wear it as many times as possible before I couldn't. Critical as always, I'm not 100% happy but I can see benefits of the gym and honestly, I think I look pretty good for 40 au naturale. This was our night using our free Phantom tickets. It was pretty awesome and did I mention free? Can't beat that deal!
We discovered this place down in the St. Mark's Square shops that serves margaritas by the yard. Don't ask me if it's in the Venetian or the Palazzo 'cause I don't know. It's somewhere in between. If you can't find it, just look for people carrying these obscene things and they'll be glad to tell ya.
This is the view from a semi-private whirpool spa that we scored on our last day. The Venetian providing shade as we read, relaxed, and yes, drank.
This is a picture of the elusive "relaxed Valdezzi" in his vacation habitat. He's not seen often but when spotted, he's easily identified. Note the relaxed air and the slight smile which replaces the usual camera-snarl.
Yes, it was a good vacation. As always the only strife was caused by V.'s work. Before we could even fly out on Friday afternoon, he was notified of a 8 am. phone call on Saturday morning, which the morning of got changed to 7 am. At least his boss (who used to be my boss) had the sense to tell V. to apologize to me and charge breakfast to the company which I insisted we did. I guess he remembered that $1500.00 Christmas party I expensed for 20 employees and didn't want to risk my wrath. If only he knew the other stuff I did anonymously... Then there was the 5 pm. Sunday evening phone call that V. actually missed and a good thing he did since it caused a marital broohaha.
Yes, it was a good vacation. As always the only strife was caused by V.'s work. Before we could even fly out on Friday afternoon, he was notified of a 8 am. phone call on Saturday morning, which the morning of got changed to 7 am. At least his boss (who used to be my boss) had the sense to tell V. to apologize to me and charge breakfast to the company which I insisted we did. I guess he remembered that $1500.00 Christmas party I expensed for 20 employees and didn't want to risk my wrath. If only he knew the other stuff I did anonymously... Then there was the 5 pm. Sunday evening phone call that V. actually missed and a good thing he did since it caused a marital broohaha.
But it was good and it capped off 10 days of being together which is a rarity in our world. We enjoyed each other's company immensely, reconnected, and remembered why we are each other's favorite company and perfect companion.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Contemplation
All three of today's goals were met thankfully and it was a nice time though I didn't get to glance at the magazine I brought. That was just wishful thinking. Instead I stood in the frigid water while I. ran and jumped over waves and held her hand as she tried to balance on the boogie board. I couldn't have asked for better weather at the beach though and we had fun.
When we got home around 3:15, it was 92 degrees and felt like it. Then it started getting dark and it actually started raining big fat raindrops - pretty wild. Now it's four hours later and when I went outside to see if it was cool enough to turn off the A/C, I could smell rain and it was a lot cooler. I love the smell of rain, so I decided to enjoy the smell and the coolness on my skin, and bring the computer outside to post.
Sitting out here posting of course, takes me back to exactly a year ago when I was out here, howling at the moon in despair, grief, and anger over Mark's demise and death. It takes me right back. I'm grateful though that things are much better with V. and I now than they were one year ago. Although he still is away working M-F, we cherish the little things and our time together on the weekends. We are tighter as a couple and I think due to everything that has happened in the past year, our relationship is stronger. I don't feel like we are two separate individuals living separate lives in separate places which is how I felt exactly a year ago. That's a major improvement.
About a month ago, I was really sad thinking about us because I felt like we were broken though in repair. We always have gotten along so well that we would argue about once a year during our first six years of marriage. We didn't sweat the small stuff and trusted each other to have each other's backs thus resulting in a peaceful coexistence. This past year was different and it was hell. A shitty year all around. Just these last couple of weeks I've realized that maybe I shouldn't be sad, maybe I should just be proud of us. Proud that we stuck it through, stayed loyal and we are closer and stronger for that now. I think most people who have been married a long time have had those bad times, those times when you wonder "who is this person?" and wonder if this is how it's going to be for the rest of your life. I know my parents have had several bad times in their marriage, a couple of which I was witness to but they've been married over 40 years and they have a great marriage. Good marriages have these times and they are still together having fun, sharing laughs, and remaining loyal to each other.
Maybe it's that perfection aspect of my personality that got my thinking all screwed up. We're no longer broken any more but we are healing. I kind of think of it as a burn victim - part of that healing process is taking off the old dead skin to reveal the pink, fresh skin underneath. For us, those layers of dead skin were the ones that grew while V. was working in Saudi Arabia for the past couple of years. They may have helped us continue living without going into a depression but they built up to the point where we no longer could deeply feel. Because if we deeply felt something, it would hurt too damn much. Now those layers are being peeled off, sometimes many layers ripped off at one time, sometimes just one layer at a time. But I feel confident that we are getting to those sensitive fresh layers that allow us to feel deeply, passionately, and strongly about one another again.
When we got home around 3:15, it was 92 degrees and felt like it. Then it started getting dark and it actually started raining big fat raindrops - pretty wild. Now it's four hours later and when I went outside to see if it was cool enough to turn off the A/C, I could smell rain and it was a lot cooler. I love the smell of rain, so I decided to enjoy the smell and the coolness on my skin, and bring the computer outside to post.
Sitting out here posting of course, takes me back to exactly a year ago when I was out here, howling at the moon in despair, grief, and anger over Mark's demise and death. It takes me right back. I'm grateful though that things are much better with V. and I now than they were one year ago. Although he still is away working M-F, we cherish the little things and our time together on the weekends. We are tighter as a couple and I think due to everything that has happened in the past year, our relationship is stronger. I don't feel like we are two separate individuals living separate lives in separate places which is how I felt exactly a year ago. That's a major improvement.
About a month ago, I was really sad thinking about us because I felt like we were broken though in repair. We always have gotten along so well that we would argue about once a year during our first six years of marriage. We didn't sweat the small stuff and trusted each other to have each other's backs thus resulting in a peaceful coexistence. This past year was different and it was hell. A shitty year all around. Just these last couple of weeks I've realized that maybe I shouldn't be sad, maybe I should just be proud of us. Proud that we stuck it through, stayed loyal and we are closer and stronger for that now. I think most people who have been married a long time have had those bad times, those times when you wonder "who is this person?" and wonder if this is how it's going to be for the rest of your life. I know my parents have had several bad times in their marriage, a couple of which I was witness to but they've been married over 40 years and they have a great marriage. Good marriages have these times and they are still together having fun, sharing laughs, and remaining loyal to each other.
Maybe it's that perfection aspect of my personality that got my thinking all screwed up. We're no longer broken any more but we are healing. I kind of think of it as a burn victim - part of that healing process is taking off the old dead skin to reveal the pink, fresh skin underneath. For us, those layers of dead skin were the ones that grew while V. was working in Saudi Arabia for the past couple of years. They may have helped us continue living without going into a depression but they built up to the point where we no longer could deeply feel. Because if we deeply felt something, it would hurt too damn much. Now those layers are being peeled off, sometimes many layers ripped off at one time, sometimes just one layer at a time. But I feel confident that we are getting to those sensitive fresh layers that allow us to feel deeply, passionately, and strongly about one another again.
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Weekend
So much to say about the weekend but I don't want to get into all of the gory details. It's hard for me not to do that, the details are what makes the story in some cases. I'll try to control myself though.
The graduation. After 3+ hours of LA traffic, we picked up the girls at their house which unfortunately allowed me to see that flat screen tv in the completely remodeled guest bathroom that we pretty much funded. Could have done without that....anyways, got them to the school after waiting in another long line to get in the parking lot to wait in another long line to get into the ceremony itself. Basically, the whole day was about waiting.
It ended around 8 and we went to dinner at a restaurant with about 25 people. That turned into a humorous fiasco. Fiasco because we didn't get served dinner until after 10pm, the restaurant flooded and then appeared to be on fire when we finally left. It was reaching biblical proportions. Humorous because the ex's head was spinning around due to the lack of service and V. and I just sat there and laughed. Me because it was just plain funny to see; V. because he didn't have to deal with it. We just sat there and watched "the guy" have to try to calm her down.
By the time we got to the hotel, it was after midnight and it was time for my head to spin around because they gave away our room. Supposedly all they had left was a smoking room but I'm allergic to smoke. I just kept calmly but firmly saying like it was my mantra, "You took my money, I want my room. You took my money, I want my room." I think the lady thought I was a little nuts 'cause I kept saying it over and over again so she called the manager, found a nonsmoking room for that night and then the next morning, switched us to the king bed, ocean view, nonsmoking room that we had paid for. Thankfully that day was over since nothing came easy.
The next day was as different from the one before it could have been. We ate a leisurely breakfast and wandered around Redondo Beach for a couple of hours, seeing what had changed and what had stayed the same. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat on the pier enjoying the ocean air. Going back here always brings back the memories of V. and I, first as friends and then when we fell for one another hard because this was where it happened.
That afternoon, V. took a short nap and I went to the jacuzzi with a book. Later we headed down to El Torito for dinner and the margaritas started flowing. We walked over to the infamous Naja's beer bar and spent the rest of the night until about 1am., dancing, watching the Yankee game, and of course, drinking beer. The band playing was the same one that played 10 years ago when we first started dating. We've gone back about once a year since we got married so they recognized us and kept asking for song choices. V. and I cut loose and had a good time. I was laughing so hard at V.'s antics that night that I almost had tears running down my face.
It was exactly what we needed both as a couple and as individuals. As a couple because it's been really hard living apart for so long. You forget how much fun you used to have with each other because you're no longer together to have it. As individuals, V. needed to cut loose to get away from all his work stress and I needed it to inject adult fun into my life and to give my psyche a break from the sadness that the first anniversary of Mark's death brings.
The graduation. After 3+ hours of LA traffic, we picked up the girls at their house which unfortunately allowed me to see that flat screen tv in the completely remodeled guest bathroom that we pretty much funded. Could have done without that....anyways, got them to the school after waiting in another long line to get in the parking lot to wait in another long line to get into the ceremony itself. Basically, the whole day was about waiting.
It ended around 8 and we went to dinner at a restaurant with about 25 people. That turned into a humorous fiasco. Fiasco because we didn't get served dinner until after 10pm, the restaurant flooded and then appeared to be on fire when we finally left. It was reaching biblical proportions. Humorous because the ex's head was spinning around due to the lack of service and V. and I just sat there and laughed. Me because it was just plain funny to see; V. because he didn't have to deal with it. We just sat there and watched "the guy" have to try to calm her down.
By the time we got to the hotel, it was after midnight and it was time for my head to spin around because they gave away our room. Supposedly all they had left was a smoking room but I'm allergic to smoke. I just kept calmly but firmly saying like it was my mantra, "You took my money, I want my room. You took my money, I want my room." I think the lady thought I was a little nuts 'cause I kept saying it over and over again so she called the manager, found a nonsmoking room for that night and then the next morning, switched us to the king bed, ocean view, nonsmoking room that we had paid for. Thankfully that day was over since nothing came easy.
The next day was as different from the one before it could have been. We ate a leisurely breakfast and wandered around Redondo Beach for a couple of hours, seeing what had changed and what had stayed the same. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat on the pier enjoying the ocean air. Going back here always brings back the memories of V. and I, first as friends and then when we fell for one another hard because this was where it happened.
That afternoon, V. took a short nap and I went to the jacuzzi with a book. Later we headed down to El Torito for dinner and the margaritas started flowing. We walked over to the infamous Naja's beer bar and spent the rest of the night until about 1am., dancing, watching the Yankee game, and of course, drinking beer. The band playing was the same one that played 10 years ago when we first started dating. We've gone back about once a year since we got married so they recognized us and kept asking for song choices. V. and I cut loose and had a good time. I was laughing so hard at V.'s antics that night that I almost had tears running down my face.
It was exactly what we needed both as a couple and as individuals. As a couple because it's been really hard living apart for so long. You forget how much fun you used to have with each other because you're no longer together to have it. As individuals, V. needed to cut loose to get away from all his work stress and I needed it to inject adult fun into my life and to give my psyche a break from the sadness that the first anniversary of Mark's death brings.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Roller Coaster
Yesterday was my therapy appointment and it kicked my ass. V. and I were the topic of it considering what has been going on lately and it was painful. For the first time in awhile, I walked out in worst shape than when I walked in. Last night I was laughing to myself thinking that I needed a therapy session to recover from my therapy session.
Of course, as luck would have it, this was also the night that V. didn't call me. Why do things always happen like that? One was hard enough, the second did me in. I knew he had probably just fallen asleep but the timing of it couldn't be much worse. If he wasn't asleep and was still out to dinner with people, I didn't want to be that "why haven't you called me?" wife and if he was asleep, I didn't want to wake him up and then have him awake til 2am (that's happened accidently before). So instead, I just got very very sad and cried myself to sleep.
When we called this morning so that I. could talk to V., he said he was watching the last 7 minutes of the Laker game when sleep just snuck up on him. I said that maybe next time, he should call me before he laid down to watch the game "just in case". It was pretty obvious that I wasn't mad, just sad but he said he had to go so we hung up. A few minutes later the phone rang and it was V. He said he wanted to check to see if I was okay so we talked a little bit but we're not going to have THAT conversation over the phone so it wasn't a heart-to-heart conversation. Just the fact that he did call back for that reason alone counts for something and gives me hope. We figured out date night for tomorrow so that's also something to look forward to.
I like roller coasters but not emotional ones. V. comes home tonight for the weekend so I'm hoping that we can have a really good family weekend and date night before he flies out on Monday morning. Just have to make it another 2 months (hopefully) when he will be able to work here during the week. I just know it will make a big difference in our lives.
Of course, as luck would have it, this was also the night that V. didn't call me. Why do things always happen like that? One was hard enough, the second did me in. I knew he had probably just fallen asleep but the timing of it couldn't be much worse. If he wasn't asleep and was still out to dinner with people, I didn't want to be that "why haven't you called me?" wife and if he was asleep, I didn't want to wake him up and then have him awake til 2am (that's happened accidently before). So instead, I just got very very sad and cried myself to sleep.
When we called this morning so that I. could talk to V., he said he was watching the last 7 minutes of the Laker game when sleep just snuck up on him. I said that maybe next time, he should call me before he laid down to watch the game "just in case". It was pretty obvious that I wasn't mad, just sad but he said he had to go so we hung up. A few minutes later the phone rang and it was V. He said he wanted to check to see if I was okay so we talked a little bit but we're not going to have THAT conversation over the phone so it wasn't a heart-to-heart conversation. Just the fact that he did call back for that reason alone counts for something and gives me hope. We figured out date night for tomorrow so that's also something to look forward to.
I like roller coasters but not emotional ones. V. comes home tonight for the weekend so I'm hoping that we can have a really good family weekend and date night before he flies out on Monday morning. Just have to make it another 2 months (hopefully) when he will be able to work here during the week. I just know it will make a big difference in our lives.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Those Old Issues AGAIN
Even though we ended on a high note on Monday night, those old issues/feelings that first resurfaced last summer and then again this weekend have sunk their claws into my psyche. Now it doesn't take much more than a series of coincidences and bad timing to have them morph into some big thing that isn't real though it certainly feels real enough.
The coincidences/bad timings occurred last night. The first was that while I was talking to V., his ex-friend with benefits now just a friend called on his other line. Now this is not normally an issue even though while we were dating it was. I know they talk now and then and I inquire as to what she's up to etc. But with my bruised psyche, I found it interesting that she called at 8pm. which means she knew he wasn't home with me therefore, it was okay to call after hours. On a normal day, I would have chalked this up to the fact that there was a major reorganization announced today which involved V. so she was probably just calling to talk about that. But it's not a normal day...
The second part of bad timing is that Dr. Phil had a show that involved common signs of a cheating spouse. I don't think V. is cheating and I knew I should just hit the delete button but once you start picking the scab it's hard not to just rip the whole thing off, you know? That stupid show led me to a website with info. Like a hypochondriac looking for a disease, I looked at that and by the end of it, I was sick to my stomach. Weight loss, resurgence of working out, may need more time to self, may seem bored with you or family life, emotionally distant, less excited about being with you. Of course, there's about 12 others that don't describe V. but why let that get in the way of a good nervous breakdown?
I need to stop and I know that. This is getting me nowhere but spiraling downward and I already know where the bottom of that pit lies. I need to focus on I. and what I can do to improve our relationship. V. is the most loyal guy I know and he knows in no uncertain terms what it would do to me and our little family if he did stray (I quote, "If you fuck up I.'s world, I will fuck you up so bad.") Did I mention the "no uncertain terms"?! I believe in honesty so that there are no misconceptions. Okay, that made me smile just a little so I'll end there and get on with my day.
The coincidences/bad timings occurred last night. The first was that while I was talking to V., his ex-friend with benefits now just a friend called on his other line. Now this is not normally an issue even though while we were dating it was. I know they talk now and then and I inquire as to what she's up to etc. But with my bruised psyche, I found it interesting that she called at 8pm. which means she knew he wasn't home with me therefore, it was okay to call after hours. On a normal day, I would have chalked this up to the fact that there was a major reorganization announced today which involved V. so she was probably just calling to talk about that. But it's not a normal day...
The second part of bad timing is that Dr. Phil had a show that involved common signs of a cheating spouse. I don't think V. is cheating and I knew I should just hit the delete button but once you start picking the scab it's hard not to just rip the whole thing off, you know? That stupid show led me to a website with info. Like a hypochondriac looking for a disease, I looked at that and by the end of it, I was sick to my stomach. Weight loss, resurgence of working out, may need more time to self, may seem bored with you or family life, emotionally distant, less excited about being with you. Of course, there's about 12 others that don't describe V. but why let that get in the way of a good nervous breakdown?
I need to stop and I know that. This is getting me nowhere but spiraling downward and I already know where the bottom of that pit lies. I need to focus on I. and what I can do to improve our relationship. V. is the most loyal guy I know and he knows in no uncertain terms what it would do to me and our little family if he did stray (I quote, "If you fuck up I.'s world, I will fuck you up so bad.") Did I mention the "no uncertain terms"?! I believe in honesty so that there are no misconceptions. Okay, that made me smile just a little so I'll end there and get on with my day.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Good Salvage Job
I have to say, we did a real good job of salvaging the holiday weekend around here. The night of marriage angst culminated with me declaring that what we were both doing towards each other that was causing the crazy cycle to continue just had to stop now. So it was declared that the next day (yesterday) we would make a concerted effort and it worked. We had a nice day, not just a good family day, but a good teamwork day that ended on a high note.
We took I. to Shrek and all three of us enjoyed it a lot. It was ironic that I thought the story line was kind of V.'s attitude towards our little household, at least lately. I don't have time to go into it but if you see Shrek, you'll know what I'm talking about. After that we traipsed over to the grocery store so V. could pick out the meat for BBQ'ing and headed home to a most unpleasant task awaiting us - cleaning of the litter boxes and cat room. It took a scrub brush, lots of bleach spray, and elbow grease to erase all reminders of the poop onslaught that has taken place around here in the last few months. But we did it together with quite a bit of laughter and rude comments. More of the glue for our relationship, always a good thing. BBQ went nicely, got to relax outside, and eat together for a change.
The night was good - more laughter about the day's events and then some...well, won't go into that. I will say that we are in good relationship shape again, the train seems to be back on the track, and we know what we need to keep an eye on in the future. I can't wait though until he's not working away from home Monday through Friday because it will make such a big difference if we could see each other every day. Just have to hold on 'til then.
We took I. to Shrek and all three of us enjoyed it a lot. It was ironic that I thought the story line was kind of V.'s attitude towards our little household, at least lately. I don't have time to go into it but if you see Shrek, you'll know what I'm talking about. After that we traipsed over to the grocery store so V. could pick out the meat for BBQ'ing and headed home to a most unpleasant task awaiting us - cleaning of the litter boxes and cat room. It took a scrub brush, lots of bleach spray, and elbow grease to erase all reminders of the poop onslaught that has taken place around here in the last few months. But we did it together with quite a bit of laughter and rude comments. More of the glue for our relationship, always a good thing. BBQ went nicely, got to relax outside, and eat together for a change.
The night was good - more laughter about the day's events and then some...well, won't go into that. I will say that we are in good relationship shape again, the train seems to be back on the track, and we know what we need to keep an eye on in the future. I can't wait though until he's not working away from home Monday through Friday because it will make such a big difference if we could see each other every day. Just have to hold on 'til then.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
A Day
Today was a day - some laughs, some crying, some getting things off of chests, and of course some insanity. Your basic emotional roller coaster that I could seriously do without. I can't wait to see what night terrors my subconscience puts together tonight as it attempts to process this day. I'll try to be succinct.
This afternoon was my sister's birthday celebration. Does it make me a horrible person to say it's hard to celebrate anything about her? Part of me feels guilty and part of me looks at the toll it has taken on my mother and how she's caused my parents to be out of my and I.'s life for the past year and then I don't feel guilty at all, I just feel mad.
First the getting things off chests, my sister was telling me how much she was working out in the gym and was showing me her muscles. She kept going on about it til I couldn't take it and I said, "That's good you're going taking care of yourself but how is the job search going?" Then she started talking about a possibility at Walmart from 11pm-8am blah-blah-blah and I could feel my mother tensing up but I wasn't sure why UNTIL my sister makes a comment about my parents taking her to work at 10:45pm every night and then picking her up first thing in the morning. I said, "Maybe you should get a moped or something to get you there." She gave me this disdainful look like I was out of my fucking mind and said sarcastically, "I should just get a bicycle then." I said, "That's even better because then you could get a workout in before and after work." She gave me this snotty look which caused the gloves to come off. I told her that she needed to get a job and start being an adult because I was tired of watching my mom stressing out and getting all these health problems as a result. It's been the same story about "looking" for a job for 5 years and there's always an excuse and I was tired of it. Later she acted like it never happened and after all the drugs she's taken, maybe in her jacked-up mind, it never did.
Of course the insanity had to do with my sister. Namely the fact that yesterday she picked up a random snake by the side of the road, put it in her purse/bag and then took it to the library with her. She figured out later on, after she carried it with her the whole day, that it was a rattlesnake. What a moron. The usual overly loud, out of control laughter about nothing. When it was time to leave, I went to give her a hug (it was her birthday party for God's sakes) and she was laughing uproariously so while hugging, I asked her why and it turns out she had farted. She's 27 years old and she farted in the kitchen right next to me. Do I really need to say anything more?
The laughter part was related to the rattlesnake incident. My sister had text messaged my brother about the snake yesterday so one of her presents from him were frozen mice. He had told me beforehand so we were all howling when she started opening it. He has a funny sense of humor and I like that. That was the good part of the day.
The crying part was tonight after we got home. V. acted again today when we left my parents' house like I was annoying, just like he did on Saturday morning and it crushed me. We were in separate cars so I had the whole drive home to ruminate over it which is never a good thing. I really don't want to go into the details but leave it said that I'm not in a great place and have teared up several times tonight. I just feel like he doesn't like me very much, doesn't find me funny, and is distant again. He poopoos all of it but it doesn't change his behavior. All my old insecurities are popping up in a big way tonight and I'm desperately hoping that a night's sleep and a good family day tomorrow will help.
This afternoon was my sister's birthday celebration. Does it make me a horrible person to say it's hard to celebrate anything about her? Part of me feels guilty and part of me looks at the toll it has taken on my mother and how she's caused my parents to be out of my and I.'s life for the past year and then I don't feel guilty at all, I just feel mad.
First the getting things off chests, my sister was telling me how much she was working out in the gym and was showing me her muscles. She kept going on about it til I couldn't take it and I said, "That's good you're going taking care of yourself but how is the job search going?" Then she started talking about a possibility at Walmart from 11pm-8am blah-blah-blah and I could feel my mother tensing up but I wasn't sure why UNTIL my sister makes a comment about my parents taking her to work at 10:45pm every night and then picking her up first thing in the morning. I said, "Maybe you should get a moped or something to get you there." She gave me this disdainful look like I was out of my fucking mind and said sarcastically, "I should just get a bicycle then." I said, "That's even better because then you could get a workout in before and after work." She gave me this snotty look which caused the gloves to come off. I told her that she needed to get a job and start being an adult because I was tired of watching my mom stressing out and getting all these health problems as a result. It's been the same story about "looking" for a job for 5 years and there's always an excuse and I was tired of it. Later she acted like it never happened and after all the drugs she's taken, maybe in her jacked-up mind, it never did.
Of course the insanity had to do with my sister. Namely the fact that yesterday she picked up a random snake by the side of the road, put it in her purse/bag and then took it to the library with her. She figured out later on, after she carried it with her the whole day, that it was a rattlesnake. What a moron. The usual overly loud, out of control laughter about nothing. When it was time to leave, I went to give her a hug (it was her birthday party for God's sakes) and she was laughing uproariously so while hugging, I asked her why and it turns out she had farted. She's 27 years old and she farted in the kitchen right next to me. Do I really need to say anything more?
The laughter part was related to the rattlesnake incident. My sister had text messaged my brother about the snake yesterday so one of her presents from him were frozen mice. He had told me beforehand so we were all howling when she started opening it. He has a funny sense of humor and I like that. That was the good part of the day.
The crying part was tonight after we got home. V. acted again today when we left my parents' house like I was annoying, just like he did on Saturday morning and it crushed me. We were in separate cars so I had the whole drive home to ruminate over it which is never a good thing. I really don't want to go into the details but leave it said that I'm not in a great place and have teared up several times tonight. I just feel like he doesn't like me very much, doesn't find me funny, and is distant again. He poopoos all of it but it doesn't change his behavior. All my old insecurities are popping up in a big way tonight and I'm desperately hoping that a night's sleep and a good family day tomorrow will help.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Not Horrible But Not Good
I'm in that place where nothing is REALLY horrible but EVERYTHING is not good. Ever been there?!
There really is not any terrible going on. Noone has died, at least lately, my family and I are alive and healthy. It's just everything else that is frustrating me.
Let's go through the checklist.
There really is not any terrible going on. Noone has died, at least lately, my family and I are alive and healthy. It's just everything else that is frustrating me.
Let's go through the checklist.
- Chronic Pain: shoulder dislocating and aching again; need to start PT again.
- Marriage: hubby still not communicating, apologizing, interacting, parenting.
- Parenting: having tantruming, minding, backtalking issues. Could or could not be caused by father's absence; regardless, frustrating for mother to deal with constantly.
- Family: narcissitic addict of a sister finding my phone number and contacting me Sat.; called again today
- Personal: approaching my 40th bday this Saturday; dreams of my best friend who died last July at 39 reoccurring
It's a hard time right now. I'm looking forward to all the plans I have in place for this weekend. I may be teased about planning everything out but at least I know I won't miss something I could have enjoyed. My free time off is so limited right now that I need to capture every opportunity or I won't get a chance until months from now.
I just wish my last week of my 30's could be a happier one. I would have imagined that my life would be so much more perfect at this point in my life. In many ways, it is SO much more stable. Ten years ago, I just started to have a relationship in sight, certainly no kids in sight. I hoped for both and now I have both. Yet, two years ago, things were much more certain and tangible before this 14 month assignment in the Middle East and a looming China assignment in the near future. Distance does not make the heart grow fonder; it just makes 2 people have to figure out how to live life separately in order to make it through. While it may be doable, it's not healthy. On top of it, we are not military so we do not have the resources or support to help us figure out how to do this.
Now my sister snoopes around for my phone number and starts calling me. I don't need this now, I will not accept this now. I missed her phone call (the second one) today but if she calls again, I will tell her that I don't have time to speak on the phone these days ('cause I don't) and if she presses I will tell her more than that. What more than that I'm not sure.
All I do know is that I'm done with the bullshit for this week and it's only Tuesday. Either get with the program or prepare to deal with the consequences.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Nine Years Ago
Nine years ago today, history was made. Two broken, cynical, suspicious, self-protective friends/work peers simultaneously had their eyes, minds, and hearts opened and discovered that each other was what they had been looking for even though they technically weren't even looking. Both successfully running their own offices in different cities within the same company, sometimes competing, sometimes catching the other sending a spy via telephone to get information and often times joking with one another over the phone during the workweek.
March 9, 2001 a visit was made as a friend to the other's home to be shown the sights and tastes of their respective city. After a delicious lunch at an authentic and very casual Mexican joint and a nice drive down the coast in a convertible, clothes were changed to go out for a night of music, drinks, and possibly some dancing. However, they never made it out because once the send-off drink of Jack Daniels and Absolut was poured and Eric Clapton was put on, the mental parrying began and for 10 hours this verbal inquisition continued. By the end of it, they knew that this was really IT and they became each other's closest ally in the workplace and personally, fell deeply and completely in love, something they never thought they would experience due to bad experiences.
March 9th, a special day, the day that laid the foundation for the rest of my life - the day V. and I fell in love and never looked back.
March 9, 2001 a visit was made as a friend to the other's home to be shown the sights and tastes of their respective city. After a delicious lunch at an authentic and very casual Mexican joint and a nice drive down the coast in a convertible, clothes were changed to go out for a night of music, drinks, and possibly some dancing. However, they never made it out because once the send-off drink of Jack Daniels and Absolut was poured and Eric Clapton was put on, the mental parrying began and for 10 hours this verbal inquisition continued. By the end of it, they knew that this was really IT and they became each other's closest ally in the workplace and personally, fell deeply and completely in love, something they never thought they would experience due to bad experiences.
March 9th, a special day, the day that laid the foundation for the rest of my life - the day V. and I fell in love and never looked back.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
95% Good, 5% Aggravating
The 5% aggravating occured because when I told V. we were going to go bowling tomorrow afternoon, he said he was going to be working up in LA so that he could bring the girls down. That pissed me off because he said he was only going up one day and if I had known, I NEVER would have requested him to go to work on Tuesday. Why the hell did he not say, "Well, I'm going to go to work on Friday to go get the girls." when I said, "If you are going to have to go to work one day this week, I request it be Tuesday." Just feels deceitful to me - he says he didn't think about it but he's always thinking things through so it just sounds like BS to me especially since he went out to lunch and a movie.
Aside from that, we had a good day. We went bowling (I.'s first time) this afternoon and we had a good time (until the end when we went to leave and I. melted down). She insisted on doing it all by herself and though the ball made it S-L-O-W-L-Y down the alley, it eventually made it and knocked some pins over. Tonight, V. and I went out for an early date night. We went walking on the beach for a bit and then for dinner nearby. He still wasn't talkative but at least during dinner, I could tell he was having a good time. As we spend more time together, we are clicking together humor-wise more often and that is good because it relays the foundation of friendship and fun upon which everything else was built.
Aside from that, we had a good day. We went bowling (I.'s first time) this afternoon and we had a good time (until the end when we went to leave and I. melted down). She insisted on doing it all by herself and though the ball made it S-L-O-W-L-Y down the alley, it eventually made it and knocked some pins over. Tonight, V. and I went out for an early date night. We went walking on the beach for a bit and then for dinner nearby. He still wasn't talkative but at least during dinner, I could tell he was having a good time. As we spend more time together, we are clicking together humor-wise more often and that is good because it relays the foundation of friendship and fun upon which everything else was built.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Drum Roll Please
Today was actually a good day in the life of the Valdez family. I'm so relieved. Maybe we just needed to get one good day under our belt and then we'll gain momentum. We spent a couple of hours at the USS Midway and had a good time. At one point, an elderly veteran who was volunteering began talking to us. He happened to have a patch on one of his eyes (can you see where this is going?) and as we were walking away, I. asks me loudly, "Is that man a pirate Momma?" Oh my gosh, so funny! Then she proceeded to ask V. two more times since my "No" did not satisfy her curiousity.
Then we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant and had a late lunch which was also nice. Things definitely felt more relaxed and we were having a good time together. When we got home, V. went in the bathroom and when he came out, I. asked him,"Did you wipe your butt crack Daddy?" I was cracking up and V. was horrified, a combination that led I. to continue to ask the question. That kid!
Tonight felt much more relaxed and like days of old, complete with some lovin' and watching American Idol together which we enjoy doing. It's just the little simple things that make such a difference. Experiencing I.'s funny comments and chuckling later together about them, making rude, funny comments together while watching television, etc. This is the glue that's been missing over the last 14 months. There's still a lot of work to be done and it's only been one good day, but I really needed that one good day together just to prove and have hope that there's a chance we can be as good if not better than we were before.
Of course, we've got China looming in the fall which doesn't help keep that feeling of hope, but for now, it's here.
Then we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant and had a late lunch which was also nice. Things definitely felt more relaxed and we were having a good time together. When we got home, V. went in the bathroom and when he came out, I. asked him,"Did you wipe your butt crack Daddy?" I was cracking up and V. was horrified, a combination that led I. to continue to ask the question. That kid!
Tonight felt much more relaxed and like days of old, complete with some lovin' and watching American Idol together which we enjoy doing. It's just the little simple things that make such a difference. Experiencing I.'s funny comments and chuckling later together about them, making rude, funny comments together while watching television, etc. This is the glue that's been missing over the last 14 months. There's still a lot of work to be done and it's only been one good day, but I really needed that one good day together just to prove and have hope that there's a chance we can be as good if not better than we were before.
Of course, we've got China looming in the fall which doesn't help keep that feeling of hope, but for now, it's here.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It Just Gets Weirder
V. told me last week when he got home that he would have to go into work one day a week during this time off. Since I. had speech therapy in the morning and we could get the grocery shopping out of the way too, I suggested that today would be the best day for V. to go into work. With everything that has been going on, it would give me a chance to get some breathing room and a break from the emotional onslaught.
He drove up to LA at 4am this morning saying he needed to have access to a scanner to send all his receipts - okay. He said he would be back by 6pm for dinner - okay. But here comes the weird part, at least for me. While I was taking I. to speech therapy, going grocery shopping, making meals, and playing with I. after her resttime, it turns out that after working in the morning, V. took off to his favorite Mexican place for lunch and then went to the movies by himself before coming home.
When he came home as I was fixing dinner and announced this, I have to say I was thrown off and not thrilled. I don't want to begrudge him this pleasure but part of me was pissed off. Pissed off because one, I feel like this is just another example of him trying to live life as an Individual rather than part of this Family; two, because I'm still raising our child without any freedom, break, emotional support, or escape; and three, because he was just able to pull it off without major consult with me, my parents, a babysitter, or his ex-wife which is about what it takes me to pull off any sort of escape. It must be fucking nice to be able to have a wife for sex, a kid for family and still have the freedom to be able to basically do what you want if you really want to.
I made a few comments and then tried to shut up. V. had made the comment yesterday when I was telling him how crappy he was acting that I "needed a massage" so I had decided to take him up on that. I called tonight to find out what appts. my favorite therapist had available (haven't seen her in over a year) and was going to ask V. if one of the days and times would work for him. Well, after hearing his day's fun, I said, "I WAS going to ask you if this day and time would be okay but since we're living as individuals, I'm TELLING you that I'm going to have a massage on this day and time and you'll need to take care of I."
It just sucks. You think maybe I might have wanted to see that 2 hr. 45 min. movie? Why am I only planning for things for the two of us to do when he's obviously able to piece together a fun date? Has he ever planned a date since we've been married? No. I think I've made things way too easy for him, always thinking he's working so hard for us so I should go out of my way to make things easy and special for him. I'm thinking that needs to change. I'm beginning to realize that he's a hard worker by nature - he's not working hard to provide for us but just because that's how he is. He needs to make more of an effort toward us not toward himself and his nature.
On the plus side, he was trying to make an effort at talking tonight when he got home. Unfortunately, I was trying to bite my tongue from sarcastic comments about his enjoyable afternoon to himself that I could not bring myself to compliment him on his effort. While he had a delicious, relaxing meal by himself and then enjoyed a long movie, I was wiping shit, dealing with a tantrum, having to answer endless questions, finalize tax returns, scan various 1099's to email to the tax man, make dinner, feed, bathe and bed a child. And according to him, I shouldn't feel angry, jealous, or upset that he was able to up and do whatever it was that he wanted to.
I've come to the conclusion that being the mother in this house is easily the hardest, most selfless and often shitty job. I've also decided that I need to demand in specific ways that V. steps up his efforts in this marriage because right now, he's just not cutting it.
He drove up to LA at 4am this morning saying he needed to have access to a scanner to send all his receipts - okay. He said he would be back by 6pm for dinner - okay. But here comes the weird part, at least for me. While I was taking I. to speech therapy, going grocery shopping, making meals, and playing with I. after her resttime, it turns out that after working in the morning, V. took off to his favorite Mexican place for lunch and then went to the movies by himself before coming home.
When he came home as I was fixing dinner and announced this, I have to say I was thrown off and not thrilled. I don't want to begrudge him this pleasure but part of me was pissed off. Pissed off because one, I feel like this is just another example of him trying to live life as an Individual rather than part of this Family; two, because I'm still raising our child without any freedom, break, emotional support, or escape; and three, because he was just able to pull it off without major consult with me, my parents, a babysitter, or his ex-wife which is about what it takes me to pull off any sort of escape. It must be fucking nice to be able to have a wife for sex, a kid for family and still have the freedom to be able to basically do what you want if you really want to.
I made a few comments and then tried to shut up. V. had made the comment yesterday when I was telling him how crappy he was acting that I "needed a massage" so I had decided to take him up on that. I called tonight to find out what appts. my favorite therapist had available (haven't seen her in over a year) and was going to ask V. if one of the days and times would work for him. Well, after hearing his day's fun, I said, "I WAS going to ask you if this day and time would be okay but since we're living as individuals, I'm TELLING you that I'm going to have a massage on this day and time and you'll need to take care of I."
It just sucks. You think maybe I might have wanted to see that 2 hr. 45 min. movie? Why am I only planning for things for the two of us to do when he's obviously able to piece together a fun date? Has he ever planned a date since we've been married? No. I think I've made things way too easy for him, always thinking he's working so hard for us so I should go out of my way to make things easy and special for him. I'm thinking that needs to change. I'm beginning to realize that he's a hard worker by nature - he's not working hard to provide for us but just because that's how he is. He needs to make more of an effort toward us not toward himself and his nature.
On the plus side, he was trying to make an effort at talking tonight when he got home. Unfortunately, I was trying to bite my tongue from sarcastic comments about his enjoyable afternoon to himself that I could not bring myself to compliment him on his effort. While he had a delicious, relaxing meal by himself and then enjoyed a long movie, I was wiping shit, dealing with a tantrum, having to answer endless questions, finalize tax returns, scan various 1099's to email to the tax man, make dinner, feed, bathe and bed a child. And according to him, I shouldn't feel angry, jealous, or upset that he was able to up and do whatever it was that he wanted to.
I've come to the conclusion that being the mother in this house is easily the hardest, most selfless and often shitty job. I've also decided that I need to demand in specific ways that V. steps up his efforts in this marriage because right now, he's just not cutting it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)