This was supposed to be a post about how I took D. to LEGOLAND waterpark and then picked I. up from my parents after her couple of days with them. So let's address what the post was supposed to be about: D. and I had a good time together at the waterpark. Another day of no tantrums, no angst and just fun all the way around. I. was tired when I picked her up thanks to my parents getting her in bed late both nights but I'm hoping that she gets some restful sleep tonight so that we can enjoy our last summer weekday tomorrow. Still deciding what we are going to do but am leaning towards going to the beach all together one last time...
Now for the bizarre part of this post. On the way to LEGOLAND today, I remembered that I had had a dream about Mark last night and though I couldn't remember specifics, I remembered that I had had it. Fast forward to two hours into our waterpark visit and I'm standing watching D. play. A couple of other little boys start playing next to D. and as I'm looking at them, Mark pops into my mind front and center. It takes me by surprise because I'm not sure why but then think maybe it's because I'm watching little boys play which reminds me of Mark's little boy. A couple of minutes later, I glance about 4 feet from me and see Mark's wife/widow and I realize that the little boy playing next to D. is Mark's son! Since she cut me out of their lives once Mark was gone, I got my fill of looking at him before I said hello. She didn't realize it was me at first and it was awkward to say the least. She did eventually talk to me but that's not what's important. What sticks in my mind is how his eyes were Mark's (which is what made me think of him) and when she said, "Show Papa's friend your Papa smile," and he smiled and it was that little joyful smile of Mark. I know I should have felt happiness that this was his son and he was obviously a thriving, happy kid but instead I just felt a deep, bone-ache grief and the loss like a knife was just shoved through my heart. Tonight I just let go and felt the sadness as memories of us came flooding in and I really think that although I may be coping well overall, I would be coping better if Mark was still here. We just had a way of being there for one another without expectations that created a calming confidence within each other. I think that lack of expectations was due to being great friends and nothing further, it left all the rest of it out.
With the dream, my glance at his son without realizing it was him, and then his son smiling his smile of Mark's at me, it was like Mark caught my mind, my eye, and then my heart respectively. I'm praying that I will see him again and miss my friend terribly.
Showing posts with label Mark.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mark.. Show all posts
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Such Great Times But Then...
I feel like I've been recapturing summer vacation with D. these last couple of weeks. Last Thursday we went to the zoo and then Friday we headed to the beach. It was a great though exhausting time as this was our first foray to the beach with D. as a bonafide walker. It went something like this: D. running straight for the water, Me grabbing him before a wave knocked him over, Me carrying D. back up towards the sand, putting D. down. D. making a U turn, running straight towards the horizon as fast as he could, Me grabbing D....well you get the idea. Not what I would call relaxing but I didn't expect it to be. There were moments of us playing in the sand and eating our lunch but aside from that it was all about running, monitoring the waves and grabbing D. before he got clobbered. The squeals of joy and smiles on his face were proof enough of a good day. Unfortunately with just myself on duty, I was not able to capture these images without risking D. getting more than a mouthful of ocean water.
Today it was still warm in our neck of the woods so I packed our car and we headed out to the coast, Mission Bay to be specific. Perfect weather there - warm sun, cool breeze that gave D. goosebumps after awhile. It was our maiden voyage of D. riding on my bike which takes some getting used to balance-wise; I mean 25 lbs. on the back of your bike takes some getting used to. I got this bike seat when I. was older than D. and I didn't get to use it all that much. I'm not sure exactly why though probably a combination of it was a little inconvenient to get the bike in the car, I. not completely happy being confined to the seat, and me being a little nervous about having my child on the back of a 2 wheeled bike. Every time I saw that infant bike seat, I felt regret so when D. was born, I was determined to use it more this time around.
We had a great time. D. loved riding around on the bike - his temperament is more laid back so he was pretty happy back there looking around and started singing after awhile. When he did get bored, he started lifting my shirt up in back to let me know we were on borrowed time. I packed a picnic lunch which we enjoyed, he chased some ducks and seagulls, made friends with some other 14 month olds and we called it a day...or rather time for a nap.
As I drove home, I was happy. I was listening to music and to D. happily devouring "Goodnight Moon" in the backseat when I had a flash of an emotional memory. Emotional memory being when your body is flooded with feel-good feelings where you remember exactly how you felt, where you were, what was happening. I was at Ruth Chris' (Del Mar) bar sitting with Mark after work. It had probably been a long battle filled day but I had found my refuge on a barstool next to Mark and we were talking and laughing and sometimes quietly sitting and digesting the day. The thing about Mark is that I could just be and because he was my friend, not my boyfriend, my fiance, or spouse, he didn't feel the pressure to solve my problems. He listened, offered his thoughts, and made me laugh. When all else failed, he distracted me with a story. The emotional memory was of warmth and soothing, like I was safe and had come home and above all, that I was not alone and content in the moment despite what was going on in the outside world.
My life is good and I am happy. My marriage is very good and healthy. My children are happy, thriving and healthy and I am able to enjoy them. But when that emotional memory hit as I was driving home today, there was a painful twinge and aching sadness. I miss Mark and the relationship that we may have had laughing about our mutual sons. I may have horrified him with my descriptions of D.'s testosterone surges as I call them just as I horrified him back in the day with what I labelled "got them by the ball sacks". He didn't get to see me navigate with a son and I know we would have had fun conversing about it for many decades to come.
But concentrating on what is and trying to leave behind and just remember what might have been, I push on.
Today it was still warm in our neck of the woods so I packed our car and we headed out to the coast, Mission Bay to be specific. Perfect weather there - warm sun, cool breeze that gave D. goosebumps after awhile. It was our maiden voyage of D. riding on my bike which takes some getting used to balance-wise; I mean 25 lbs. on the back of your bike takes some getting used to. I got this bike seat when I. was older than D. and I didn't get to use it all that much. I'm not sure exactly why though probably a combination of it was a little inconvenient to get the bike in the car, I. not completely happy being confined to the seat, and me being a little nervous about having my child on the back of a 2 wheeled bike. Every time I saw that infant bike seat, I felt regret so when D. was born, I was determined to use it more this time around.
We had a great time. D. loved riding around on the bike - his temperament is more laid back so he was pretty happy back there looking around and started singing after awhile. When he did get bored, he started lifting my shirt up in back to let me know we were on borrowed time. I packed a picnic lunch which we enjoyed, he chased some ducks and seagulls, made friends with some other 14 month olds and we called it a day...or rather time for a nap.
As I drove home, I was happy. I was listening to music and to D. happily devouring "Goodnight Moon" in the backseat when I had a flash of an emotional memory. Emotional memory being when your body is flooded with feel-good feelings where you remember exactly how you felt, where you were, what was happening. I was at Ruth Chris' (Del Mar) bar sitting with Mark after work. It had probably been a long battle filled day but I had found my refuge on a barstool next to Mark and we were talking and laughing and sometimes quietly sitting and digesting the day. The thing about Mark is that I could just be and because he was my friend, not my boyfriend, my fiance, or spouse, he didn't feel the pressure to solve my problems. He listened, offered his thoughts, and made me laugh. When all else failed, he distracted me with a story. The emotional memory was of warmth and soothing, like I was safe and had come home and above all, that I was not alone and content in the moment despite what was going on in the outside world.
My life is good and I am happy. My marriage is very good and healthy. My children are happy, thriving and healthy and I am able to enjoy them. But when that emotional memory hit as I was driving home today, there was a painful twinge and aching sadness. I miss Mark and the relationship that we may have had laughing about our mutual sons. I may have horrified him with my descriptions of D.'s testosterone surges as I call them just as I horrified him back in the day with what I labelled "got them by the ball sacks". He didn't get to see me navigate with a son and I know we would have had fun conversing about it for many decades to come.
But concentrating on what is and trying to leave behind and just remember what might have been, I push on.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Today
Today is Mark's birthday which brings back memories of past birthdays. He always would take the day off from work because he didn't want hoopla about his birthday. That night he would go over to his parents' house for a homemade German dinner and a cutthroat game of Risk, his favorite game. No one else liked that game but since it was his birthday, everyone acquiesced.
I remember one year, I took the day off as well which was unusual since we usually would make sure that one of us was at work to manage the department. But one year we both took the day off and went to Balboa Park for lunch and museum. I think that was the time we went and looked at a visiting exhibit on torture - the tools, history, and mechanics. It was just the sort of weird interest we both shared. I remember it was a beautiful, relaxing day and we enjoyed it, the day, the weather, and most of all, the company of a best friend.
Today, he's not here to enjoy his day but I am to think warmly about our unique friendship and the love and respect we had for one another. If it wasn't for him and his fight with cancer, I may not have found the courage and perspective to try for another child and would not be sitting here with a 2-inch baby nestled in my womb. I wish he knew and I wish he was still here. It's true you know what they say, the pain lessens over time but it never goes away. And at certain moments, on certain days, the pain is as sharp as ever. It may not last as long or completely overshadow a day like it used to, but it's just as raw, painful, and saddening as it ever was.
Happy Birthday my friend.
I remember one year, I took the day off as well which was unusual since we usually would make sure that one of us was at work to manage the department. But one year we both took the day off and went to Balboa Park for lunch and museum. I think that was the time we went and looked at a visiting exhibit on torture - the tools, history, and mechanics. It was just the sort of weird interest we both shared. I remember it was a beautiful, relaxing day and we enjoyed it, the day, the weather, and most of all, the company of a best friend.
Today, he's not here to enjoy his day but I am to think warmly about our unique friendship and the love and respect we had for one another. If it wasn't for him and his fight with cancer, I may not have found the courage and perspective to try for another child and would not be sitting here with a 2-inch baby nestled in my womb. I wish he knew and I wish he was still here. It's true you know what they say, the pain lessens over time but it never goes away. And at certain moments, on certain days, the pain is as sharp as ever. It may not last as long or completely overshadow a day like it used to, but it's just as raw, painful, and saddening as it ever was.
Happy Birthday my friend.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
A Sad First
Of course I miss Mark. And of course I've wished I could talk to him openly, totally relaxed, and honestly like we used to. But since he's died, I'm always cognizant that Mark's dead and I can't talk to him.
Yet this afternoon, after I had been by myself for a couple of hours while I. was at preschool, I thought, "Oh I'll call Mark." Because that's what I used to do when I had a moment to myself. And after he got sick, I used to check in with him briefly every Saturday evening.
And then I remembered, "I can't talk to Mark anymore."
And it made me sad, very sad because he was a friend that would never cancel plans with me, never let me down, and be there when I needed him the most. Basically the kind of friend I was to him.
No, I don't have a lot of friends and I know it's because of me. It's not that I'm unfriendly or don't like people, it's because that's who I am. I don't like to spread myself thin, I like to invest. That doesn't just hold true for friendships but relationships in general. I wasn't the girl who dated a lot of guys but the ones I did go out with I was totally invested in and usually ended up getting my heart broken as a result. That's the downside of me. The upside is that when I do make a connection, it is one that I will fight to the death for with all of my being and when it works out, it's truly a one of a kind relationship.
My friendship with Mark was one of a kind. My relationship with V. is one of a kind. With all the crap that has been endured in the past 3 years, our marriage is surprisingly fresh and strong. Some fine tuning here and there has helped bolster our confidence that we really are on the same team and injecting some fun along the way has helped us recapture the early days. We may not always take the same road but we always wind up in the same place.
Yet this afternoon, after I had been by myself for a couple of hours while I. was at preschool, I thought, "Oh I'll call Mark." Because that's what I used to do when I had a moment to myself. And after he got sick, I used to check in with him briefly every Saturday evening.
And then I remembered, "I can't talk to Mark anymore."
And it made me sad, very sad because he was a friend that would never cancel plans with me, never let me down, and be there when I needed him the most. Basically the kind of friend I was to him.
No, I don't have a lot of friends and I know it's because of me. It's not that I'm unfriendly or don't like people, it's because that's who I am. I don't like to spread myself thin, I like to invest. That doesn't just hold true for friendships but relationships in general. I wasn't the girl who dated a lot of guys but the ones I did go out with I was totally invested in and usually ended up getting my heart broken as a result. That's the downside of me. The upside is that when I do make a connection, it is one that I will fight to the death for with all of my being and when it works out, it's truly a one of a kind relationship.
My friendship with Mark was one of a kind. My relationship with V. is one of a kind. With all the crap that has been endured in the past 3 years, our marriage is surprisingly fresh and strong. Some fine tuning here and there has helped bolster our confidence that we really are on the same team and injecting some fun along the way has helped us recapture the early days. We may not always take the same road but we always wind up in the same place.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
You've Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me
An unplanned extra drink tonight. I thought today was going well until it wasn't.
Toy Story 3 was good, not too sad unless you were going through empty nest syndrome right now. We both enjoyed the popcorn and some cuddling - that's always good.
The afternoon consisted of getting I.'s stuff in the washing machine, taking one cat to get a shot and then coming home and watching I.'s baby videos on the television. Everything was good until we got upstairs and that reoccuring (lately) problem of backtalking and attitude. raised its ugly head. I've got to find an instant "go-to" response to that, one that works that is.
I. has been up twice hungry (9:30 and 10:15pm) and I've given her food twice. Now I have to stay up to wait til she falls asleep and I can close her door to keep the cats out. Meanwhile, all hell has broken loose...
My friend Terry sent a text message at 5:30 saying, can you go for coffee tomorrow? I was planning on the gym but since Mark's death hit me like a ton of bricks in the shower tonight, I was scared that maybe I would break down at the gym. So I decided that coffee with Terry would be much preferable. Then I thought we would take flowers to Mark's grave in the afternoon seeing that tomorrow is his anniversary. Sounds good, huh?
I got a phonecall/voicemail from Jodi at 7:30 saying the party was cancelled and to keep her and Hunter in her thoughts. Okay, but then at 10pm, Brian (Mark's friend) texts me that he's banned from Hunter and Jodi's life. After a brief text exchange, I find out that I AM ALSO BANISHED because anyone who has anything to do with Mark's party on Saturday is banished from their lives. Tomorrow I hope to talk to Brian and find out exactly what happened.
Not only that, I then go on to FB and see that I've been REMOVED from her friends' list. I still want to take flowers to Mark's grave and I think I still will. I haven't had any convo with Jodi and this is the first anniversary. I want to put flowers on his grave. If she's there, let her bring up the unpleasantry, I'm not going to. I'm there for Mark, not her and her petty, vulgar bullshit. Why, why does this kind of drama and stress have to surround this sad, grieving time?
FUCK HER!
Toy Story 3 was good, not too sad unless you were going through empty nest syndrome right now. We both enjoyed the popcorn and some cuddling - that's always good.
The afternoon consisted of getting I.'s stuff in the washing machine, taking one cat to get a shot and then coming home and watching I.'s baby videos on the television. Everything was good until we got upstairs and that reoccuring (lately) problem of backtalking and attitude. raised its ugly head. I've got to find an instant "go-to" response to that, one that works that is.
I. has been up twice hungry (9:30 and 10:15pm) and I've given her food twice. Now I have to stay up to wait til she falls asleep and I can close her door to keep the cats out. Meanwhile, all hell has broken loose...
My friend Terry sent a text message at 5:30 saying, can you go for coffee tomorrow? I was planning on the gym but since Mark's death hit me like a ton of bricks in the shower tonight, I was scared that maybe I would break down at the gym. So I decided that coffee with Terry would be much preferable. Then I thought we would take flowers to Mark's grave in the afternoon seeing that tomorrow is his anniversary. Sounds good, huh?
I got a phonecall/voicemail from Jodi at 7:30 saying the party was cancelled and to keep her and Hunter in her thoughts. Okay, but then at 10pm, Brian (Mark's friend) texts me that he's banned from Hunter and Jodi's life. After a brief text exchange, I find out that I AM ALSO BANISHED because anyone who has anything to do with Mark's party on Saturday is banished from their lives. Tomorrow I hope to talk to Brian and find out exactly what happened.
Not only that, I then go on to FB and see that I've been REMOVED from her friends' list. I still want to take flowers to Mark's grave and I think I still will. I haven't had any convo with Jodi and this is the first anniversary. I want to put flowers on his grave. If she's there, let her bring up the unpleasantry, I'm not going to. I'm there for Mark, not her and her petty, vulgar bullshit. Why, why does this kind of drama and stress have to surround this sad, grieving time?
FUCK HER!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Monday Reentry
Back to the Monday morning reentry to single momma life. I. is extra whiny and high maintenance. She just finished a huge bowl of high fiber cereal with a ton of strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries plus half a banana yet is whining continually now that she is hungry NOW NOW NOW. I swear to God, I feel like I should take this kid to the doctor 'cause how can that be? It's not just every so often folks that this happens, basically it's after every meal. It's SO frustrating because I give her a lot of food; good, nutritious, high fiber food to keep her healthy and to fill her up. This whining for food right after the meal is not helping my anxiety about how the hell I am going to be on a plane for almost 5 hours and have enough food to keep her from whining and melting down. Because I seriously doubt she's going to like any significant amount of food that the airline may have for purchase.
I'm already bringing cashews, string cheese, and protein/snack bars (as low sugar as I could find to prevent bouncing off the walls) and plan to buy as much food as I can carry and find in the little stores past the security checkpoint. If only they would let you bring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches through security. Those things are the only things that buy me about 45 minutes with I.'s appetite.
Anyways, enough about that. I wasn't planning on writing about that but then all I was hearing was "Mommy, I'm pungry!" over and over again and it hijacked the post. Not much to write about, just a normal day of getting things done with some fun thrown in there. A little Monday morning blahs thrown in - a sign that it was a good weekend for our little family and for V. and I. We shared quite a few laughs and private jokes and it was nice to just hang out by ourselves. Now he's off again...sigh.
And this week of Mark memories looms in my mind. I'm trying to keep concentrated on our trip to Puerto Rico next week, but until we get there and I. is sleeping, the thought of the trip has a lot of anxiety attached to it. If we were all travelling together, it would be different because I would have help, distractions for I. But we're not and so it falls on me. You would think I would have grown accustomed to this fact but instead it just builds up, becomes unruly and overwhelming. I just need to picture myself on that patio, overlooking that beautiful ocean, reading a book and sipping (or gulping) a rum drink. Ahhhh....
I'm already bringing cashews, string cheese, and protein/snack bars (as low sugar as I could find to prevent bouncing off the walls) and plan to buy as much food as I can carry and find in the little stores past the security checkpoint. If only they would let you bring peanut butter and jelly sandwiches through security. Those things are the only things that buy me about 45 minutes with I.'s appetite.
Anyways, enough about that. I wasn't planning on writing about that but then all I was hearing was "Mommy, I'm pungry!" over and over again and it hijacked the post. Not much to write about, just a normal day of getting things done with some fun thrown in there. A little Monday morning blahs thrown in - a sign that it was a good weekend for our little family and for V. and I. We shared quite a few laughs and private jokes and it was nice to just hang out by ourselves. Now he's off again...sigh.
And this week of Mark memories looms in my mind. I'm trying to keep concentrated on our trip to Puerto Rico next week, but until we get there and I. is sleeping, the thought of the trip has a lot of anxiety attached to it. If we were all travelling together, it would be different because I would have help, distractions for I. But we're not and so it falls on me. You would think I would have grown accustomed to this fact but instead it just builds up, becomes unruly and overwhelming. I just need to picture myself on that patio, overlooking that beautiful ocean, reading a book and sipping (or gulping) a rum drink. Ahhhh....
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