I feel like I've been recapturing summer vacation with D. these last couple of weeks. Last Thursday we went to the zoo and then Friday we headed to the beach. It was a great though exhausting time as this was our first foray to the beach with D. as a bonafide walker. It went something like this: D. running straight for the water, Me grabbing him before a wave knocked him over, Me carrying D. back up towards the sand, putting D. down. D. making a U turn, running straight towards the horizon as fast as he could, Me grabbing D....well you get the idea. Not what I would call relaxing but I didn't expect it to be. There were moments of us playing in the sand and eating our lunch but aside from that it was all about running, monitoring the waves and grabbing D. before he got clobbered. The squeals of joy and smiles on his face were proof enough of a good day. Unfortunately with just myself on duty, I was not able to capture these images without risking D. getting more than a mouthful of ocean water.
Today it was still warm in our neck of the woods so I packed our car and we headed out to the coast, Mission Bay to be specific. Perfect weather there - warm sun, cool breeze that gave D. goosebumps after awhile. It was our maiden voyage of D. riding on my bike which takes some getting used to balance-wise; I mean 25 lbs. on the back of your bike takes some getting used to. I got this bike seat when I. was older than D. and I didn't get to use it all that much. I'm not sure exactly why though probably a combination of it was a little inconvenient to get the bike in the car, I. not completely happy being confined to the seat, and me being a little nervous about having my child on the back of a 2 wheeled bike. Every time I saw that infant bike seat, I felt regret so when D. was born, I was determined to use it more this time around.
We had a great time. D. loved riding around on the bike - his temperament is more laid back so he was pretty happy back there looking around and started singing after awhile. When he did get bored, he started lifting my shirt up in back to let me know we were on borrowed time. I packed a picnic lunch which we enjoyed, he chased some ducks and seagulls, made friends with some other 14 month olds and we called it a day...or rather time for a nap.
As I drove home, I was happy. I was listening to music and to D. happily devouring "Goodnight Moon" in the backseat when I had a flash of an emotional memory. Emotional memory being when your body is flooded with feel-good feelings where you remember exactly how you felt, where you were, what was happening. I was at Ruth Chris' (Del Mar) bar sitting with Mark after work. It had probably been a long battle filled day but I had found my refuge on a barstool next to Mark and we were talking and laughing and sometimes quietly sitting and digesting the day. The thing about Mark is that I could just be and because he was my friend, not my boyfriend, my fiance, or spouse, he didn't feel the pressure to solve my problems. He listened, offered his thoughts, and made me laugh. When all else failed, he distracted me with a story. The emotional memory was of warmth and soothing, like I was safe and had come home and above all, that I was not alone and content in the moment despite what was going on in the outside world.
My life is good and I am happy. My marriage is very good and healthy. My children are happy, thriving and healthy and I am able to enjoy them. But when that emotional memory hit as I was driving home today, there was a painful twinge and aching sadness. I miss Mark and the relationship that we may have had laughing about our mutual sons. I may have horrified him with my descriptions of D.'s testosterone surges as I call them just as I horrified him back in the day with what I labelled "got them by the ball sacks". He didn't get to see me navigate with a son and I know we would have had fun conversing about it for many decades to come.
But concentrating on what is and trying to leave behind and just remember what might have been, I push on.
1 comment:
A good post that lets us see the dichotomy of you!
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