I make this posting with a warning up front. If you know me and we have mutual friends, PLEASE do not pass on this information. I'm just not ready yet to have it be "knowledge". There is too much at stake right now and I can't face other people wanting to talk about it - not yet.
So, this is the posting that I have been unwilling to talk about since December 9th. Many reasons why. First, I had to talk to V. about it first. Then, I still was having a hard time getting my brain around it. Then I thought, "Well, let's wait 'til after this to be sure." And then after "this", it looked like there was one more big this happening tomorrow that would give more answers so I waited. I didn't want to jinx it, I didn't want to acknowledge things that seem to be so uncertain, I didn't want to have to publicly face major disapppointment.
Then the last 4 days, we were on vacation in Idyllwild (post about that to follow soon). Four nights in a row I woke up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom and then couldn't go back to sleep for a while thanks to my racing mind. One of the consistent nagging thoughts was that if I didn't post about this before tomorrow (Monday), I would have missed experiencing any sort of celebration or joy. I don't want to go through the events of life not celebrating because of some sort of "just in case". Even if the worst happens, isn't that even more reason to be joyful while you can and are able to? It just struck me as a cowardly, defensive way of living and that's never really been me. Yes, I try to avoid and minimize disappointment by managing my expectations but I've never been one to hide or pretend something just because something may go wrong down the line.
With that being said, after actively and scientifically trying for 16 months, then just giving up for another 10 months, consulting with a fertility dr. and deciding that would not be an option, grieving that I. would be my only one, becoming fine with that fact and making plans for myself when I. goes off to kindergarten later this year, and turning 40, I find myself pregnant. Eight weeks today to be exact.
Why the wait? Well, I certainly wasn't going to tell V. over the phone since we both weren't exactly expecting it. That meant I had to wait for 10 days to tell him in person. Then, I've been having some spotting here and there so I was concerned and wanted to get reassurance from my ob/gyn at my first appointment 2 days before Christmas. Unfortunately I didn't get 100% reassurance from him and am scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon to make sure we can see the baby's heartbeat. On top of all that, I had really just gotten my mind and spirit completely okay with I. being an only child and was making plans. This news put me in a tailspin, combined with the fact that I haven't felt good. I don't have morning sickness per se but my digestive tract has been off, my exhaustion off the charts, and honestly, I don't feel very good from about 30 minutes after I wake up until about 5 pm. I know it's the hormones but it's hard to deal with the daily grind week after week when you feel like this. All these things made me hesitant to post about it.
However, with this posting, I celebrate this miracle regardless of what tomorrow's test shows.
Showing posts with label new starts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new starts. Show all posts
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Contemplation
All three of today's goals were met thankfully and it was a nice time though I didn't get to glance at the magazine I brought. That was just wishful thinking. Instead I stood in the frigid water while I. ran and jumped over waves and held her hand as she tried to balance on the boogie board. I couldn't have asked for better weather at the beach though and we had fun.
When we got home around 3:15, it was 92 degrees and felt like it. Then it started getting dark and it actually started raining big fat raindrops - pretty wild. Now it's four hours later and when I went outside to see if it was cool enough to turn off the A/C, I could smell rain and it was a lot cooler. I love the smell of rain, so I decided to enjoy the smell and the coolness on my skin, and bring the computer outside to post.
Sitting out here posting of course, takes me back to exactly a year ago when I was out here, howling at the moon in despair, grief, and anger over Mark's demise and death. It takes me right back. I'm grateful though that things are much better with V. and I now than they were one year ago. Although he still is away working M-F, we cherish the little things and our time together on the weekends. We are tighter as a couple and I think due to everything that has happened in the past year, our relationship is stronger. I don't feel like we are two separate individuals living separate lives in separate places which is how I felt exactly a year ago. That's a major improvement.
About a month ago, I was really sad thinking about us because I felt like we were broken though in repair. We always have gotten along so well that we would argue about once a year during our first six years of marriage. We didn't sweat the small stuff and trusted each other to have each other's backs thus resulting in a peaceful coexistence. This past year was different and it was hell. A shitty year all around. Just these last couple of weeks I've realized that maybe I shouldn't be sad, maybe I should just be proud of us. Proud that we stuck it through, stayed loyal and we are closer and stronger for that now. I think most people who have been married a long time have had those bad times, those times when you wonder "who is this person?" and wonder if this is how it's going to be for the rest of your life. I know my parents have had several bad times in their marriage, a couple of which I was witness to but they've been married over 40 years and they have a great marriage. Good marriages have these times and they are still together having fun, sharing laughs, and remaining loyal to each other.
Maybe it's that perfection aspect of my personality that got my thinking all screwed up. We're no longer broken any more but we are healing. I kind of think of it as a burn victim - part of that healing process is taking off the old dead skin to reveal the pink, fresh skin underneath. For us, those layers of dead skin were the ones that grew while V. was working in Saudi Arabia for the past couple of years. They may have helped us continue living without going into a depression but they built up to the point where we no longer could deeply feel. Because if we deeply felt something, it would hurt too damn much. Now those layers are being peeled off, sometimes many layers ripped off at one time, sometimes just one layer at a time. But I feel confident that we are getting to those sensitive fresh layers that allow us to feel deeply, passionately, and strongly about one another again.
When we got home around 3:15, it was 92 degrees and felt like it. Then it started getting dark and it actually started raining big fat raindrops - pretty wild. Now it's four hours later and when I went outside to see if it was cool enough to turn off the A/C, I could smell rain and it was a lot cooler. I love the smell of rain, so I decided to enjoy the smell and the coolness on my skin, and bring the computer outside to post.
Sitting out here posting of course, takes me back to exactly a year ago when I was out here, howling at the moon in despair, grief, and anger over Mark's demise and death. It takes me right back. I'm grateful though that things are much better with V. and I now than they were one year ago. Although he still is away working M-F, we cherish the little things and our time together on the weekends. We are tighter as a couple and I think due to everything that has happened in the past year, our relationship is stronger. I don't feel like we are two separate individuals living separate lives in separate places which is how I felt exactly a year ago. That's a major improvement.
About a month ago, I was really sad thinking about us because I felt like we were broken though in repair. We always have gotten along so well that we would argue about once a year during our first six years of marriage. We didn't sweat the small stuff and trusted each other to have each other's backs thus resulting in a peaceful coexistence. This past year was different and it was hell. A shitty year all around. Just these last couple of weeks I've realized that maybe I shouldn't be sad, maybe I should just be proud of us. Proud that we stuck it through, stayed loyal and we are closer and stronger for that now. I think most people who have been married a long time have had those bad times, those times when you wonder "who is this person?" and wonder if this is how it's going to be for the rest of your life. I know my parents have had several bad times in their marriage, a couple of which I was witness to but they've been married over 40 years and they have a great marriage. Good marriages have these times and they are still together having fun, sharing laughs, and remaining loyal to each other.
Maybe it's that perfection aspect of my personality that got my thinking all screwed up. We're no longer broken any more but we are healing. I kind of think of it as a burn victim - part of that healing process is taking off the old dead skin to reveal the pink, fresh skin underneath. For us, those layers of dead skin were the ones that grew while V. was working in Saudi Arabia for the past couple of years. They may have helped us continue living without going into a depression but they built up to the point where we no longer could deeply feel. Because if we deeply felt something, it would hurt too damn much. Now those layers are being peeled off, sometimes many layers ripped off at one time, sometimes just one layer at a time. But I feel confident that we are getting to those sensitive fresh layers that allow us to feel deeply, passionately, and strongly about one another again.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
My Note Tonight To I.
About 2 years ago, I started writing in a notebook random thoughts and more momentous events to I. Tonight, on the eve of her first day of preschool after not writing since Mother's Day, this is what I wrote:
"I haven't written you in awhile baby girl because I've had a really bad summer. Daddy was gone in Saudi Arabia and Mommy's best friend Mark died. You were with me for the last visit when he was able to walk around. Each time we visited Mark this year, I was so proud of your acceptance of him, despite the tubes and his emaciated appearance or whether we were visiting him at the hospital or at home. You always showed compassion to him - bringing his slippers and putting them on his feet, sharing your grapes happily with him, and always willing to give him a big hug goodbye when it was time to leave. My heart swells at what an awesome, little human being you already are.
Tonight is the night before your first day of preschool and while I'm so very excited for you, I'm really sad that tomorrow will begin all the realities that will separate us from each other. I know it will be so good for you and that I've done a great job preparing you. I could see that when we went and met your teacher and also during the orientation. You were so jazzed and stood up straight when you answered her questions, instead of hiding silently - it is your turn to shine. Your bucket you made is gorgeous and you will be so proud to take it to school with you tomorrow.
While I will only show my joy for you tomorrow, as you read this know that I will be crying as soon as you enter that classroom, just as I am crying now, because I will miss you. You may drive me crazy at times, but more often than not, you make the moments of my day better - happier, funnier, sillier, and more loving. Without you there, it will be more quiet and relaxing but just not nearly as much fun. I look forward to all the days taht you're not in school because we will have such fun together. I love you Isabella and you will always be my baby girl.
Love,
Momma"
"I haven't written you in awhile baby girl because I've had a really bad summer. Daddy was gone in Saudi Arabia and Mommy's best friend Mark died. You were with me for the last visit when he was able to walk around. Each time we visited Mark this year, I was so proud of your acceptance of him, despite the tubes and his emaciated appearance or whether we were visiting him at the hospital or at home. You always showed compassion to him - bringing his slippers and putting them on his feet, sharing your grapes happily with him, and always willing to give him a big hug goodbye when it was time to leave. My heart swells at what an awesome, little human being you already are.
Tonight is the night before your first day of preschool and while I'm so very excited for you, I'm really sad that tomorrow will begin all the realities that will separate us from each other. I know it will be so good for you and that I've done a great job preparing you. I could see that when we went and met your teacher and also during the orientation. You were so jazzed and stood up straight when you answered her questions, instead of hiding silently - it is your turn to shine. Your bucket you made is gorgeous and you will be so proud to take it to school with you tomorrow.
While I will only show my joy for you tomorrow, as you read this know that I will be crying as soon as you enter that classroom, just as I am crying now, because I will miss you. You may drive me crazy at times, but more often than not, you make the moments of my day better - happier, funnier, sillier, and more loving. Without you there, it will be more quiet and relaxing but just not nearly as much fun. I look forward to all the days taht you're not in school because we will have such fun together. I love you Isabella and you will always be my baby girl.
Love,
Momma"
Monday, November 24, 2008
A Blog Overhaul
So, I decided to give my blog a major overhaul in hopes that it would lead me to post more often. I created it to be a place to document the humorous, exhausting and frustrating sides of being a stay at home mother.
But then, IT happened. IT being my best friend being diagnosed with inoperable cancer. And I didn't feel like I could write about it on my blog because that wasn't the purpose for this blog. However, I need to write about it because it's always in my mind somewhere and that's probably why I haven't been blogging. It's blocking me.
Then I realized, IT'S MY FRICKIN BLOG! It should be whatever I want and need it to be. I'm the one who pigeonholed it so I should be the one to revamp it to meet my needs.
Thus, the new look, the new title and hopefully it will meet my new needs.
But then, IT happened. IT being my best friend being diagnosed with inoperable cancer. And I didn't feel like I could write about it on my blog because that wasn't the purpose for this blog. However, I need to write about it because it's always in my mind somewhere and that's probably why I haven't been blogging. It's blocking me.
Then I realized, IT'S MY FRICKIN BLOG! It should be whatever I want and need it to be. I'm the one who pigeonholed it so I should be the one to revamp it to meet my needs.
Thus, the new look, the new title and hopefully it will meet my new needs.
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