A Christmas Miracle

I make this posting with a warning up front. If you know me and we have mutual friends, PLEASE do not pass on this information. I'm just not ready yet to have it be "knowledge". There is too much at stake right now and I can't face other people wanting to talk about it - not yet.

So, this is the posting that I have been unwilling to talk about since December 9th. Many reasons why. First, I had to talk to V. about it first. Then, I still was having a hard time getting my brain around it. Then I thought, "Well, let's wait 'til after this to be sure." And then after "this", it looked like there was one more big this happening tomorrow that would give more answers so I waited. I didn't want to jinx it, I didn't want to acknowledge things that seem to be so uncertain, I didn't want to have to publicly face major disapppointment.

Then the last 4 days, we were on vacation in Idyllwild (post about that to follow soon). Four nights in a row I woke up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom and then couldn't go back to sleep for a while thanks to my racing mind. One of the consistent nagging thoughts was that if I didn't post about this before tomorrow (Monday), I would have missed experiencing any sort of celebration or joy. I don't want to go through the events of life not celebrating because of some sort of "just in case". Even if the worst happens, isn't that even more reason to be joyful while you can and are able to? It just struck me as a cowardly, defensive way of living and that's never really been me. Yes, I try to avoid and minimize disappointment by managing my expectations but I've never been one to hide or pretend something just because something may go wrong down the line.

With that being said, after actively and scientifically trying for 16 months, then just giving up for another 10 months, consulting with a fertility dr. and deciding that would not be an option, grieving that I. would be my only one, becoming fine with that fact and making plans for myself when I. goes off to kindergarten later this year, and turning 40, I find myself pregnant. Eight weeks today to be exact.

Why the wait? Well, I certainly wasn't going to tell V. over the phone since we both weren't exactly expecting it. That meant I had to wait for 10 days to tell him in person. Then, I've been having some spotting here and there so I was concerned and wanted to get reassurance from my ob/gyn at my first appointment 2 days before Christmas. Unfortunately I didn't get 100% reassurance from him and am scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon to make sure we can see the baby's heartbeat. On top of all that, I had really just gotten my mind and spirit completely okay with I. being an only child and was making plans. This news put me in a tailspin, combined with the fact that I haven't felt good. I don't have morning sickness per se but my digestive tract has been off, my exhaustion off the charts, and honestly, I don't feel very good from about 30 minutes after I wake up until about 5 pm. I know it's the hormones but it's hard to deal with the daily grind week after week when you feel like this. All these things made me hesitant to post about it.

However, with this posting, I celebrate this miracle regardless of what tomorrow's test shows.