Thinking About Timing

For a lot of my life, my timing has appeared to be off. I would meet a good guy but I would be too young for the commitment necessary to keep him. Then at the time I needed a jerk the least and was the most vulnerable was when I met the nightmare of a guy and put myself through emotional hell. It's the story we all have in our lives I know but up until V., it was a source of aggravation to me. It just seemed like I was always one step off from happiness.


Until V. - we were both single by choice and not wanting any suffocating relationship which is pretty much how we both bitterly viewed every relationship at that point in our lives. That all changed after we became friends and friendly competitors at work, one day it was like a 2x4 hit us both upside our heads and it was like the scales fell from our eyes like in the Bible. Now in the first 6 months, it wasn't all flowers and sunshine, though much of it was. A lot of it was us wrestling with our own inner demons that worked on pulling us apart, looking out for our own protected interests, and trying to make sure we didn't get hurt.


The other day I was thinking about this baby. Why now? Why didn't it happen 2.5 years ago? I know I'll never know why for sure but as my mind wandered around the topic as I was driving, it came back to that timing thing again. You see, I. was a force of nature since she was born and the thought of another one would cause panic to rise in me. Then Mark got diagnosed with cancer and almost died. After I visited him in Seattle while he was in the hospital, it hit me that I knew that I wanted two kids and life was too short to run scared about having another one. And so we started trying hard for that second one. To no avail.

Then Mark died and V. wasn't able to be there for me in any shape or form and honestly, I thought, "Do I really want to bring another child in the world with someone who ditches me when I really need him?" It sort of killed my desire for another one. But we got the wheels back on the marriage car and learned some valuable lessons for the future in the process and we kept trying without luck. At some point, I made peace and became okay with I. being an only child and moved on.

Then it happened, the stars and planets lined up and it took! But why then and not when we were trying so hard? What I came up with was this: when Mark was really sick, my body was so stressed I couldn't even eat. Then he died and literally for almost a year, I grieved - hard. But then I began healing (and eating), slowly a springtime of sorts sprouted in me. V. and I healed our wounds from this time period in our marriage as my body began healing itself, opening itself up to being able to feel new joys. A beautiful sunset, a good day with I., a warm breeze on my face - the things that make me happy and thankful that I am alive. And that's when it happened. The thing that Mark's illness made me realize I wanted and should pursue happened once I healed and could begin cherishing the special times he and I had.

That is perfect timing.