A Brief Bitchy Moment

Let me have this one bitchy new mother moment, okay? I'm not trying to be a bitch but this is just something that REALLY gets to me quickly. Let me just say it, get it out there, and then move on to being thankful. Which I am, very thankful and still in awe of the baby boy.

Here it is. I am the one who gets up with the baby at night which makes sense since I'm the one with boobs. I get that. I also am cognizant that V. gets up at his own ungodly hours during the week to work. So I don't have a problem with being the one who handles all the nighttime duties, as well as the daytime duties if we're being honest here.

Most nights haven't been too bad. I usually feed D. for the last time ending at 11pm. so that he will only get up once at 2:15ish and then again at 6:30am. Or something like that. Sometimes though he doesn't go back to sleep quickly after the 2:15 feeding and I'll be up from 2am to 4am and then back up at 6:30. That's with going to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me. But that's how it is and I'm fine with it.

But here's the thing. On the weekends, V. goes to sleep around 9/10pm and then sleeps uninterrupted until he wakes up which is still pretty early, usally around 6am. Yet he's still exhausted by 9am, needing to take a nap then and then passing out by 1pm for an hour or longer. Meanwhile, I'm tired too but still having to deal with 2 kids on very very interrupted and limited sleep which is my Achilles heel for my mental and emotional health.

My brain gets it that he's working 16 hours a day at a very stressful, demanding job. But my tired psyche is still trying to get used to having 2 kids with very different needs yet both very demanding and trying to cope with all this with reduced sleep and round the clock nursing which poops me out. And that leads to snarky, bitchy thoughts that I have to actively shut my lips so that they don't escape out of me.

A lesson in self-control and reaching deep down to keep the peace in the household. Because in all honesty, having a peaceful house is worth a lot more to me than making that bitchy comment that may make me feel better at the moment but much much worse in the end.

Pieces of Good News

Yesterday I found out a piece of good news - the foster kitty that we had for 2 months was adopted this past weekend. That made our day and triggered the question from I. "When are we going to foster again?" I didn't tell her the real answer of "When I can finally sleep with your daddy in bed again." Two Fridays ago we tried the sleeping in the same bed thing and it was great until I turned off the light. Then V. started flipping and flopping and snoring in 20 minute intervals. Twenty minutes is pretty much the exact time it takes me to settle down and relax enough to have a chance at falling asleep so it was torture to say the least. Add to it the fact that I had to get up to go the bathroom almost every time (because in all honesty, how can one be expected to fall asleep when you feel like you might have to use the bathroom?) and you have a recipe for fright night. I fell asleep close to 1 am and even though I slept in a little, I still felt yucky. So until he can sleep in the same bed, I have to keep the spare bedroom open for him to sleep in, thus we have to wait on our next foster cat. I'm hoping that in the next couple of weeks, hormone levels will change again slightly and it will be easier to fall asleep. Gosh, I miss my herbal sleep aids and vodka tonics when it comes to trouble free sleeping.

On the topic of no herbal sleep aids etc., today is the scheduled appointment for the neuchal translucency test which uses an ultrasound to take a measurement of the back of the baby's neck to assess for Down's syndrome. They wanted to also have me go through a 30 minute genetic counseling session but when I asked if that was to discuss all the things that could possibly be wrong with the baby and they said yes, I said no thanks, let's save that for if the test results show any increased risk first.

It's really beginning to annoy me that the medical community is so completely concentrated on all the negative, bad, there's-a-slight-chance-of things in a 35+ pregnancy that they could squeeze any measure of positive joyfulness that carrying a child brings. It's enough to turn me into a granola crunching, natural birthing, water delivery pregnant woman. I'm being rude and sarcastic here - I know this is a gross exaggeration of women who deliver like this and trust me, I'm much closer to this camp than I am just letting the hospital dictate how my delivery is going to go. It's just that I don't want to come across as putting my fingers in my ears and humming loudly as I blissfully ignore the fact that the risks are higher for certain things than they were 6 years ago. I know that. I also know that risks are determined by women of all types. Not to inflate my view of myself, but my blood pressure is super low, I work out 3-5 times a week and have for years. I eat healthy, take vitamins, get enough sleep, and manage my stress well overall. What I'm trying to say is that my body is a healthy environment for a baby to be conceived in and grow in. So factor that into all those "risk factors" and get back, okay?

Now that I've climbed off my soapbox, I have to admit that I'm looking forward to seeing what the what's it is up to inside me this afternoon. If I have energy, I'll post tonight on how it goes.

Grumpy Morning

You would think after yesterday I would just be one big grateful ball of wonderfulness this morning. I should be, why aren't I? Shoulds just add to my aggravation so why do I go there? I don't know it's just like picking a wound that you know you should leave alone (there's that should again). I think I need to make a very concerted effort to remove that word from my dialogue today for everyone's sanity's sake.

Why am I grumpy I ask myself?

1. Because I still don't feel good from this virus thingy.
2. Because little simple things this morning seems to be elusive - the coffeemaker just stopped working for no apparent reason. It worked and then a second later it didn't. No rhyme or reason.
3. Because my oatmeal, that I make 5 out of 7 mornings the same way every day, exploded in the microwave for no reason. I didn't change the time or the amount so how does that happen? I didn't want to make it over again so I just scraped it off the inside of the microwave back into the bowl and ate it. I'm sure my unborn child really appreciated that.
4. I have not one but three splits on my fingers, right on my fingertips and they were burning all night long and continue to hurt. No matter how much lotion I put on, they keep splitting. It's a direct result of sickness being in the house since the weekend causing me to wash my hands a lot. Then of course, this bitter cold, dry weather is not helping.
5. On top of that, I'm just not a morning person, it takes me awhile to wake up and be sociable and until that time, I really don't like to converse a whole bunch and physically, I like my space. Today of all days, I. decides that she's going to color and play on the breakfast table leaning on me as I attempt to eat. She just keeps edging over until she's bumping up against me, completely on purpose, and I'm not joking it's almost pushing me over the edge not to yell "Get off of me!"
6. Before this, I let I. play about 20 minutes of Nick Jr. games on the computer before breakfast and as always, she gives me problems about stopping which is what always happens and this is why she hasn't played the games for awhile. Because there is ALWAYS a problem when it's time to stop. I guess the predictability of the problem annoys me more than the actual problem itself.

Okay, deep breath. I need to reboot this day. I need to go upstairs and get ready and maybe just having that physical space will give me enough breathing room. I sure do hope so because this day cannot continue on like this. I will make this a better day than the morning was.

A Mixed Bag

We had a really good time at Disney on Ice. Our seats were good and it was great hanging out, my girl and I. I remembered sitting with my mother at this same location, watching Mickey Mouse on ice skates, about 35 years ago. Wow!

I. woke up Saturday with a 104 temperature and was sick all day. Needless to say, we didn't go to the birthday party and took it easy all day. V. played games on the Ipad with I. after resttime which allowed me to do my closet project. The inevitable one when you have to take all your pants out of the closet to make room for the small selection of pregnancy clothes. It had to be done because the time is drawing near when I'll have to be wearing these things. Yesterday was officially 3 months. I was excited about that until I realized that on the flip side that means I only have 6 months left before my life changes immensely. Then I got scared and sad too because it won't just be I. and I any more. I know it'll be great in a different way but you know, I'm just sentimental about it. All the pregnancy books talk about this swirl of conflicting emotions as being normal but that doesn't help with the confusing aspects of feeling two conflicting emotions at the same time. I still am not good with that though it seems like I get plenty of practice with it in recent times.

My mom said last week that she had to come up sometime this week to see I. and this afternoon is the only day that works. I. is really looking forward to it and so was I, thinking I could get some things done until I got an email from my dad saying that my mom, who is notoriously at least 30 minutes late, will try to be here at 1:45. 1:45??!! I. eats dinner at 3:00 and my mom knows that and with I. still recovering from being sick and having 3 tiring, consecutive days of school starting tomorrow, I don't want to get her in bed late. To me it's like "Why even bother?" especially if she doesn't skid in here until 2:15. This is why I can never and will never be able to rely on my mom for help. People hear that she lives 30 minutes away and say, "Oh, that's nice. She probably helps out alot." but no, not really. Not really at all.

I'm not going to dwell on this though because I have my last massage scheduled this morning. "Last massage" meaning it will probably be the last one that insurance will cover though I'm not sure since I'm still having problems from the accident on my right side. Well, we'll see but regardless, I'm going to enjoy it immensely.

Thank You SO Much

Yes, you know who you are. You are the one who buys loud, annoying gifts and leaves them in my house to put up with. Take for instance right now, I. has the Tickle Me Elmo hands. They involve high pitch singing and loud music and cause I. to spaz around the living room usually ending up with the hands vibrating on my back. But these people say, "But they're SO cute and look how much I. likes them!" Yeah, she likes them until they put me, her mommy, in an irritable mood because I just want that annoying Elmo laughter and singing to stop as in RIGHT NOW.

Then we really see how much fun I. has with those things. If she didn't have such a gosh darn good memory, these type of toys would disappear under the cover of darkness like an underling in the mob. I may be a mean mommy but I'm also a mommy who wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt I would feel when I. asked, "Where did go?" If I really don't know where something is, I can answer "I don't know" with a clear conscience. But if I KNOW that it's sitting on a shelf in some Goodwill store waiting for a child, with a much nicer and less irritable mother, to pick it up and beg for its purchase, I'll be racked with guilt.

Guess that explains why there are so many annoying and obnoxious gifts in the house.