Fighting the Spiral

I just need to get the afternoon out of my brain before I head to bed or it's going to carry over into tomorrow.

D. had his 4 month appointment this afternoon. I thought it would go relatively well. Yes, I know he didn't gain as much weight as the doctor would like but he does have some pudge on his legs now and he's definitely grown longer. Plus developmentally he's right there - with me, V., and I. he squeals, "talks" and tries to communicate, with others he smiles broadly when spoken to, he is alert and focuses on people plus he's grabbing at things with success. No, he isn't lifting his chest up when he's on his belly and that's my fault. I haven't thought it to be a good idea to put him on his belly right after he eats and if I wait 15-30 minutes after he's eaten, it's time to take I. to school, be picking her up or getting him down for nap or bed.

Well, it didn't go well. According to all the charts, he is sliding off the bottom of the charts. He's not gaining weight at an acceptable rate, his height is slow and so is his head circumference. She started talking about supplementation and my stress level just multiplied. I'm struggling to feed him 8 times a day and keep up with I.'s half day kindergarten schedule and needs along with their 5pm bedtime and now I need to consider adding bottles, pumping and/or formula? The doctor saw my face and recognized that I was upset and discouraged. Yeah, and add overwhelmed to that list.

The old mantra started up in my head on the way home and continues its chant "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough." Add to that the fact that I.'s Christmas party is tomorrow and tonight when she went to bed, she asked a cryptic question "Will other people be coming to the party tomorrow?" Finally drilled down to the fact that she was asking if Iwas coming to the party to which I had to reply that if D. woke up early from his nap, I would definitely come. She wanted to know why I couldn't wake him up from his nap and I told her that since he had 3 vaccinations today, he may have a fever tomorrow and not feel well so he needed to get as much sleep as his body needed. As I walked out of her room, what did I hear in my head? "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough."

If I didn't know already that I was not cut out to be a mother of three, I know it for a fact now because I am having a hard time feeling as though I am somehow shortchanging both of my kids in different ways (I. attention; D. tummy time)pretty much every day.

That being said, I am trying though struggling to maintain perspective. My friend's wife is battling pancreatic cancer, my best friend died of pancreatic cancer, so many women try IVF to just have one kid and I have 2 healthy kids, naturally conceive and a strong marriage. Really when I think of that, it helps me change the mantra chanting in my mind to "Everything is okay, everything is okay."

It's just a constant challenge to defeat the old way of thinking. Can't expect many, many years of reinforced thinking to just go away. I think it's going to be a lifelong battle.

The awesome parts of today were first going in to get D. up from his morning nap. He was awake, just lying there looking around. I said my usual naptime greeting of "Is there a handsome baby boy in here?" and he turned his head and gave me a huge grin. I picked him up and went on to our second routine which is me holding him against me, still swaddled, and looking at the two of us in the mirror. I say, "Who's that?" and he looks in the mirror at me, lights up with a big smile, and then buries his face into my chest to snuggle. The second awesome part was booktime with I. and D. though this happens every day when V. isn't here, which is quite often. After I's bath, I set D. down on her pillow and she and I lay down on either side of him while I read 2 books. D. gets so excited while we are reading - the whole time he's making noises, has his mouth wide open, punctuating the air with flailing hands and kicking legs. The third awesome part was bathtime with D. He is most talkative during bathtime warmup - squealing and talking and giggling. In the bath he was kicking up a storm, leaving me and the floor very wet. For some reason when I give him a bath he is much more active with his kicking (and peeing for that matter) than when V. gives him his bath. Still trying to figure that out...

Frustrating Step Back

D. had his 2 month checkup and shots yesterday and with that came some not so good news. It appears that we are back to weight issues. D. has gained weight but only the amount that a 1 month old should have gained, not a 2 month old. He's gotten longer by 2" but the pediatrician is worried that he is not getting enough calories and as she put it, "This is a key time for brain development and for that to happen, he needs sufficient calories." Let me translate this to what I heard, "You are starving your son. Your milk is not sufficient to sustain him and it's not good enough." So we're back to the supplemental feedings which I hated the first time around and most likely will the second time around, if not more. I try to remind myself that this is one of those things where it's the end result that is important, not how you get there. I may get that mentally a little but emotionally, it's hard for me. I don't want to jeopardize my breastfeeding of D. It was one of the things that I really wanted to experience again and appreciate more the second time around. But of course, I don't want to jeopardize D.'s development and future health just so I can live out my breast-only dream. It's a delicate balance that I'm going to have to navigate and try not to stress over. But it's going to be difficult.

D. didn't like the bottle nipple yesterday so I got a new nipple that he took this afternoon. However, for bedtime he was gagging on it but that may have been because he was already full. I'm not able to get enough pumping to supplement so I will have to sub in some formula. Ugh. Tomorrow when he gets up from his morning nap, I'm going to head back to the hospital and take advantage of a resource. They will weigh him, allow me to do a complete feeding, and then weigh him again which will tell me how many ounces he's getting from me so that I will know how many ounces he needs additionally. Again, it's taking something so simple and making it complicated which is very frustrating to me. But if my good natured baby is so good natured that he isn't crying when he needs more calories, it's really up to me to give him the extra calories regardless of whether it's frustrating, a hassle, or emotionally hard on me to take.

That is the measure of a good parent.

Thank You SO Much

Yes, you know who you are. You are the one who buys loud, annoying gifts and leaves them in my house to put up with. Take for instance right now, I. has the Tickle Me Elmo hands. They involve high pitch singing and loud music and cause I. to spaz around the living room usually ending up with the hands vibrating on my back. But these people say, "But they're SO cute and look how much I. likes them!" Yeah, she likes them until they put me, her mommy, in an irritable mood because I just want that annoying Elmo laughter and singing to stop as in RIGHT NOW.

Then we really see how much fun I. has with those things. If she didn't have such a gosh darn good memory, these type of toys would disappear under the cover of darkness like an underling in the mob. I may be a mean mommy but I'm also a mommy who wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt I would feel when I. asked, "Where did go?" If I really don't know where something is, I can answer "I don't know" with a clear conscience. But if I KNOW that it's sitting on a shelf in some Goodwill store waiting for a child, with a much nicer and less irritable mother, to pick it up and beg for its purchase, I'll be racked with guilt.

Guess that explains why there are so many annoying and obnoxious gifts in the house.