A Draft from the Past

I just stumbled across this Draft post from March 2007.  This would have been when I. was about 16 months old.   The first paragraph reminds me of what challenges I faced with I. when she was young.  The second paragraph really supports how I've felt with supporting I. this year during her challenges with unkind "friends".  I'm going to print that out and tape it to my mirror to keep this in mind. 

I tell you, lately my baby girl has been trying my patience! She's at that age when she knows exactly what she wants to do but she's not able to always make that happen. That's where I come in. I usually have a second or two to decipher what she wants and if I'm not successful in this short time, a tantrum ensues. Though I am proud of her that she has matured to the point where she knows what she wants, the stress of trying to figure out what she wants in the short time period is exhausting at times. Multiply this by 10-15 times a day and you have one wiped out person by the end of the day. Of course, these expectations are only for me; Daddy gets a much longer time period and her grandparents have unlimited time to figure these things out. I guess I should take this as a big compliment but it's hard to do at the time.

One thing I've felt strongly about is being positive about your child even if you don't necessarily feel like it. One mom I know seems to never be happy with her child. She only wanted to nurse and wouldn't eat solids - now she eats solids but not neatly enough. Then her child wouldn't walk "enough", now she is irritated that her child is walking everywhere, getting into everything. I felt bad for her child because I thought to myself, "If you're not in her corner, who will be?" We as moms need to be the first and primary cheerleaders for our kids. If we don't think they're great, how will they think they are great and have the mental and emotional strength to make it through all the battles of school and life.

So that's the thought of the post. No matter how frustrated I am with my baby, I am still going to make sure she understands she is loved, liked, enjoyed, and valued.

And This Is How It Happens

The country is wondering how in the world someone could be living with a kid who is obviously mentally ill and out of control and not get help for them?  Here's how.

I called my mom for our weekly phone call and she sounded depressed which is not like my mom.  I won't go into all the details of that except for the one which pertains to this subject.  My sister, who is a narcissistic jerk when she's on her meds, decided three months ago that she would stop her meds and weekly appointments to her psychiatrist and psychologist as well as Narconon meetings resulting in my mom getting a phone call this week that my sister was getting kicked out of the house she was renting a room from by this weekend.  Let me clarify...she's not renting it, my unemployed with unemployment-benefits-being-terminated-this-month parents are paying for as well as her weekly groceries.  She was getting kicked out because she was acting crazy, the woman was afraid of her and if that wasn't enough, these people left for the weekend and while they were gone, my fucking loon of a sister threw their belongings into a dumpster.

My mother calls my sister's psychiatrist that SHE pays for and asks him what she can do.  He can't speak to her because my sister's an adult, actually tells her "good luck", and hangs up on my mother.

This is why we have theater killings and school shootings.  Something needs to be done to get over 18's mental help.  Why can't the sane people prevail?

Parenting Lessons

I'm not the most spiritual mother and I know it.  Do I pray for help and guidance as I parent?  Yes I do but it's not an hourly or even daily habit.  It probably should be.  But what I do know and have had proof of is that when I'm really going through a rough patch and I'm feeling completely demoralized after several weeks of tough parenting time, God will direct me when I've been willing to accept help and be responsible for the part I have played in creating the tough times.  It's humbling but extremely rewarding.

Since I. got out of school, it's been difficult.  Negativity, talking back, tantrums all of it and this after I had such high hopes for our summer.  I was completely shocked, so disappointed, and to be honest dreading the tween and teenage years if it was like this at age 6.  A few minutes before I. got home from my parents' house, I opened a book I've read and have been known to refer to, "Parenting with Love and Logic."  I really like this book but I haven't picked it up for months because to be honest the last thing I want to read or think about after the kids go to bed is a book about kids and the challenges of parenting.  I mean, I've been LIVING the challenges of parenting all day long so I want to take a mental break from it when I can.

However, I happened to pick up the book right before she came home, kind of a way of taking a deep breath knowing that my force of nature was returning home after such an easy peasy 4 days with D.  I opened the book where I had left off and the topic was "Nasty Looks and Negative Body Language".  This is EXACTLY what I've been dealing with so that was pretty wild right there.  I read the 3 pages quickly and it put this nugget in my brain to think about - what am I doing that may be setting off this behavior in I.?  Over the remainder of the day and evening I pondered that and came up with things I was doing unpurposely that would make her feel as though she were on the outside of D. and I.  And it grieved my heart greatly because the whole pregnancy my main concern and sadness was about losing that Mommy and I. relationship.  Yet by trying to savor these baby days with D., some of the stuff I was doing was leaving her out.  I realized that this summer is also her time with D.  Once she starts full day school in September, she won't have this time with D. yet I still will.  This realization of course made me feel even worse.

Starting on Monday, I made changes allowing I. "full access" to D. except for when he needs to nurse.  It's made a big difference.  I also made a point of incorporating more fun.  I was playing with her every day but I've stepped it up a little more and she's noticed.  We've gone to get yogurt and played a little more, done extra crafts that she wanted to do, and tomorrow I'm surprising her by taking her to see Madagascar just the two of us.  And that's before an afternoon play date with a school friend at our house in the afternoon that I scheduled.  We play together with D. and I'm more silly and relaxed.  Next week I've got some beach time and time at our pool on the calendar.  Basically, I've just stepped it up.  Does it make our calendar a little full?  Yes, but at least it's full because I've beefed up the fun not because we have extra errands to do.  Errands will always be there but this summer, our first full summer with the three of us, will only come once.  I. is old enough now to remember these times and I want her memories to be good ones like I have with my mom.  I also want to remember this summer with fondness and happiness not with regrets of what I should have done.

So although I may not be the most godly of mothers, I am so thankful that when I finally open up my heart and mind and ask for help, He hits me over the head with a hard cover book that helps me immensely.

Things I Learned Today

1. My daughter is a turtle, soft on the inside and tough on the outside. I know, don't say it, she's just like me. Probably even worse considering V.'s issues with showing emotion. V. got home late last night so didn't leave until 6:15am for work (very very late for him) and I. was waving by to him from her bedroom window. I called him on the phone while he was in the garage to get him to come back since I was up with D. and racing to get down there to say goodbye (for a change). V. came back in and I., D. and I went traipsing downstairs to give him a hug etc. when I noticed something glistening on I.'s cheek. When I asked what it was, all hell broke loose. Turns out that she had been crying while she was waving goodbye to V. earlier before I called him and we all ran down there. So this triggered major crying, sobbing and sadness all before 6:30am. V. had to run so I consoled I. and then cheered her up by having D. grab on her back with his little hand. That always can make a person feel better. While he and she hung out and I was getting ready for the day, I thought long and hard about how she hates to show those tough emotions - sadness, disappointment etc. When I went upstairs to fix her hair and get D., I talked with her about how God created emotions and whatever God creates is good, right? She agreed so I moved on with how there are emotions that make us feel good and ones that hurt but they are all okay because God gave them to us. So it's okay to cry and feel sad and it's okay to show it, much better than holding it in and feeling tight inside. The way I explained it, I think she got it, at least I think she did. 2. My son is turning into a chow hound and I'm happy about it. Last Saturday we started oatmeal, one big whole tablespoon of it. After 4 days of that, we moved on to avocado. I mean, if I'm trying to get meat on this kid's bones what better way than a super nutrient dense, fat avocado and it is listed on one of the best first foods. From the get-go, D. was all over avocado - loved it, lip smacking and everything. Today was day 3 of avocado and after the first cube of it was gone and he realized that was it, he started crying. Not to mention that he was almost bent in half trying to get closer to the spoon. So I gave him another cube that he also devoured and then finished up with another tablespoon of oatmeal. All this in addition to the same amount of breastfeedings, I'm liking it. We'll see what morning weigh-in is tomorrow... 3. I'm pretty modest but I'm also a second time mother and I had no problem breastfeeding D. in the outdoor eating area of the UTC mall today. Nothing was showing really but it kind of made me laugh. 4. If I want D. to take a long morning nap, all I have to do is make plans for the morning after he wakes up. You've heard of the saying "Man makes plans and God laughs."? Well this is my version "Mommy makes plans and D. naps."

I'm Still Standing

I'm still standing...yeah, yeah, yeah Remember that Elton John song from long ago?!

I didn't want to leave things like they were in my last post and give the impression that I might have jumped off the roof in the meantime. You know, I almost made a joke to the NP at my doctor's appointment this week in response to her questions, "How are things going? How are you?" That day I was just so beaten down tired on no sleep and pain that I could feel the hysteria rising in me. I thought about responding, "Well, I didn't check myself into Mesa Vista on the way here so that's something." For those of you who have not experienced depression or lunacy, you may not know what Mesa Vista is. It's the Sharp Healthcare version of the looney bin, at least that's what it seemed like when I was there many many moons ago. But considering how ragged I probably appeared and that my depression history was probably in my chart, I didn't think I had better make that joke to a member of the medical community at this point in time. Probably a smart move.

Thankfully, the next night provided 6 hours of total sleep so I was in much better shape to start the day off. Plus I was able to get an hour long nap in the afternoon which was really good since V. was out of town overnight and I was going to be the lone wolf on duty for the first time as a momma of two. We made it through and without too much chaos. The only real struggle was last night. I got D. down for bed after his last feeding at 11pm, went to sleep to be awoken at 1:45 for another chow session. No problem except that I noticed his eyes were wide open at the end of it at 2:20 which did not bode well especially since my head kept falling forward as I was passing out with sleep. He ended up not going back to sleep until 3:45 and it was torture, to put it mildly.

On the plus side, since he went to sleep so late in the middle of the night, he didn't wake up again until 7:45 so I was able to get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It seems that surviving the early days with a newborn is about noticing and celebrating the littlest of things and focusing on the upside. That and keeping a sense of humor and knowing when not to make sarcastic jokes...

The Last Word

It's amazing what it takes to put I. in one of her best morning moods in a long time - a leotard and matching skirt. She's been laughing, exhibiting sweet, good manners, and dancing up a storm this morning. No angst this morning and it's a relief. A big fat relief that I'm relishing.

What's funny is that the road that paved this involved a tantrum yesterday in a dressing room. Those are always fun especially when it involves a 5 year old who has at least 10 times the lung volume and stamina as a 2 year old. At least there was a door to hide behind.

I. has been taking gymnastics for about 5 months now and loves it. The other little girls wear leotards and I. wears sweatpants and a t-shirt. It didn't matter to her and she never brought up the difference so I certainly didn't. She tends to march to her own drum and not care if she's doing something different and I like that about her. But one day after class on the way home, she asked what the other girls were wearing and after a short back and forth I told her that if she wanted to get one, she would have to submit herself to "shopping" at the mall because that was the only store I knew of. She hates shopping (so do I for that matter) but agreed that she would go for the leotard. So off we went yesterday.

It was going swimmingly well until the very end. That's usually how these things happen. Just when you start relaxing and patting yourself on the back feeling good about how things are going is when they start unraveling before your eyes and you're standing there watching your kid sitting on the ground sobbing and wailing in public with you standing there in disbelief thinking, "What the hell happened?!" Ah, but I jumped ahead a little.

I. had picked out the leotard and then we just needed to decide between 2 skirts. Now mind you, she goes once a week and once kindergarten starts, I don't even know if she is going to be in a gymnastics class and these dance-ish clothes aren't cheap. So taking all that into account, I really just wanted to get 1 skirt at this time and then we'd go from there in the future once we figure out the longevity of gymnastics. Well, that's where it all started to fall apart. Because when you're 5, it's hard to make a choice between 2 things that you like. We went around and around, me remaining calm and trying to help her decide because that's what a good parent should do - use this as a lesson for the bigger choices in the future, right?

Problem was that I. is an intense kid - she feels everything times 10 and as we stood there in the dressing room, I could see the emotions building up. It was like watching a tornado coming at you and not being able to stop it, just deal with it. It culminated in her throwing herself down on the floor with the 2 skirts in her hands sobbing at the top of her lungs. I kept trying calmly and quietly to help her but she just kept getting more upset so that's when Mean Momma had to come for a visit. Mean Momma kept her voice low and slow and said, "If you keep crying like this, we will walk out of this store without anything." Then I started counting 1-2 and I. knew if I got to 3, that was exactly what was going to happen so the sobbing ceased with an abrupt intake of air, followed by rhythmic sniffing.

I'm not an ogre though and part of me was thinking, "Come on, it's only 1 additional skirt." At that point, it was too late to go there and really, isn't it always just one more thing? Maybe I am too hard-core but I suspect (and fear) that it's a big ole slippery slope that "just one more thing" mentality and it doesn't feed some of the character traits I am trying to instill in I. You know like gratefulness, appreciation, and contentedness. Those things are important to me and guide me through many of the decisions I make when it comes to I.

At the end of the day, I. picked one skirt and we walked over to get a frozen yogurt. It also gave me an opportunity to have a conversation with her about how in life we have to make choices every day and if she was going to cry about all of them, her days weren't going to be very happy. I asked her if next time I needed to get something for her, should I just go pick it out without her or did she still want to pick it out? She said she wanted to come pick it out and agreed that next time, she would try to choose without the crying tantrum part of it.

"Whew," I thought, "another life lesson taught." and was just getting ready to pat myself on the back when she looked at me and said with a sweet smile, "When I have a little girl, I'm going to buy her both skirts for her leotard."

Just shoot me now.

Monday Reentry

Today should be a good reentry into the week. It's no good when Monday is full of shoulds and have-tos - that just sets the tone for the whole week. At least for me it does. Sometimes I have no choice but this week I did.

We start with gymnastics for I. which she loves and I do too. Not only because I get to watch her but also because in between watching her, I read a book or magazine. It just makes for a nice way to continue my mind waking process. Because as anyone who knows me knows, I am not a morning person, which is hard when you have a vivacious kid who is. I. is just "on" until she's not. And then boy, you had better be close to her bed so that you can launch her in there or she will blow!

After gymnastics, we head to the chiropractor so both of us can get straightened out. Then while I. eats lunch in the back of the car, we'll head over to the movie theater to meet my mom, who hopefully won't be too late, and see "Tangled" before it leaves the movie theater. Afterwards, my mom is going to come over to see a few things at our house since she hasn't been over for awhile (thanks to my bitch sister). I'm hoping that will take us up to I.'s dinner and bed time because then I will be home free. Well, we'll see about that...

I say that because for the last couple of weeks, I. has been pushing the limit at bedtime. She gets to call me one time and then that's it. Well, she's been calling me that one time for just an extra kiss and then calling again for another poopoo expedition. Then she'll start saying that's she's hungry and she'll keep saying it until I threaten to close the door. Eventually that gets her to stop but by then I'm pissed and irritated. Keep in mind when it comes to the hungry thing that it's BS because she says it even after going to On The Border for chips, a full kids' meal (you know, up to 12 years old) and a scoop of vanilla ice cream for dessert. I mean, come on, she's 5 years old. So I know she's had enough food.

So last night while I was getting her ready for bed and V. was there, I told her that if she called me after poopoos or started throwing a fit about being hungry when she had plenty to eat that the door would be closed end of story. After getting her in bed and getting in the shower, she called V. in for poops and afterwards started with the "I'm hungry" bit and V. shut the door. Almost one hour to the minute, she finally stopped crying loudly and fell asleep. Painful and irritating at the time but I anticipate that I won't need to do much more than threaten a door closure to get the behavior to stop for the next several months. At least I hope so...

Spirited Child

I stopped at B&N to pick up one book but after reading another one called "Raising Your Spirited Child", I got this book instead. First of all, it seemed really positive and then I read a line in the first chapter which was titled "Who Is the Spirited Child?". The line was:

"You might have known since pregnancy that this child was different from other kids, normal but different....Or it might have been until birth, when the nurses in the nursery shook their heads in dismay and wished you luck."

That sentence stuck in my head because that was indeed when I knew we were going to have our hands full. The only baby I heard wailing, pissed off at the top of her lungs happened to be my kid and I thought, "Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into." Of course, the sick side of me was a little bit proud that my daughter was announcing herself so very loudly right after she came into the world.

I'm on page 47 of the book so far and I have to say that it's a great book, not only to help teach your child but to help deal with the feelings you have as a parent raising a spirited child. The isolation that you seem to be the only one with a constantly challenging kid, that something must be wrong with you and that you're a failure as a mother because you can't seem to handle one kid successfully, etc. But it goes on to show how to truly appreciate these traits in your kid because they really are going to pay dividends as adults - you just need to get them there. I know all this mentally. I feel as though I'm raising a CEO, unfortuntatly right now, I'M THE CEO and that's where the problems begin. But I think this book is on target with rephrasing and rethinking these frustrating tendencies and traits as positives and labeling them as such not only to help change the parents' mindsets but also to build up the kids so they like who they are.

Yes, I have to admit that I. can be annoying at times but after reading just 47 pages of this book,
I can relabel that as "persistent, determined, and opinionated". That's not to say that I'm going to stop teaching her how to be all those things without being annoying because that is my job as her momma. But by relabeling it, my attitude changes from negative to positive and she will most likely be a lot more receptive to my comments.

She's such a great little person and I want her to feel like she is too. It's going to take some biting of my tongue, patience, and thinking when I'm frustrated and overwhelmed but I'm determined to do it. One day and one moment at a time...

Excited for My Girl

This afternoon marks an important event in I.'s young life. She was invited to a friend from school's house and this is really the first official "come play at my house" invite she's had. To say that she's excited would be an understatement and I'm excited for her. She's a nice little girl, often bringing handmade cards she's made for I. to school and is not one of those fickle little girls that I want to clobber. It's sad that that trait shows up so early on in some kids. I was often a victim of those clique-ish girls throughout my school years and have attempted to pass on some of what I've learned onto I. so that she is resilient.

Resiliency...I think that's a really important characteristic to groom in a kid. I think I should add that to what I hope for I. - happy, content, and resilient. With those three things in her life, she should be able to enjoy life to the max and successfully deal with the punches that life inevitably throws us. I don't think I was taught how to be resilient because my parents like their kids to need them, to be dependent on them so I had to learn that lesson on my own in my early 30s. A lesson learned while you're a kid is much much less harrowing than a lesson learned later in life when consequences may very well be life and death, not just dealing with someone being mean to you for no reason.

A lesson learned is a lesson learned I guess. The bottom line is really did you learn it? Now I'm years down the road from that painful lesson and I'd have to say yes I did learn the lesson and that it's probably what got me through Mark's illness and death. Better late than never!

Future Hope

I read the blogs of the "professionals" and of friends and I'm always struck by how their posts contain teachable topics and/or great skills, at least for the most part. I enjoy how they inspire me to think more deeply or to feel less alone with the struggles of being a momma. However, inevitably, I finish reading and think to myself, "My blog doesn't really contribute anything to anyone's life." I have to admit, I feel a little guilty about that.

Then I remind myself that there are different seasons to life, as I well know from my own past. For the past 3 years, the season has been characterized by raising a strong willed, feisty daughter basically on my own due to V.'s anti-family life job. It also was greatly overshadowed by Mark's cancer diagnosis and death and me trying to deal with that. So, it's been a tough season of life. Of course, lots of good memories and fun times too but overall, it's been a lot to handle.

My blog, especially lately, has served as an important way to get those swirling (yes, again with the swirling) thoughts and emotions out of my brain and body. Without V. here, there's really no one on a daily basis to talk those things out in between therapist appointments. So I use my blog to keep things rotating out of my mind and minimize the buildup which is NEVER a good thing. I am consistently trying to avoid the "straw that broke the camel's back" scenario that us women tend to struggle with. We handle and handle until we stop handling and God help the next person who irritates us or doesn't step in to help the way we imagine they should. You know what I mean.

So, right now my blog does serve a purpose. In this season of my life, its benefit is for me solely. Hopefully I'll move into another season where there's less swirling and more contemplative thinking. It's hard to be contemplative with a 4 year old, dancing next to you, screaming "Watch me Mommy! Watch me Mommy!" (like she is right now). It's a miracle I can write anything at all!

A Little Bit Hard

Last Friday on Oprah, Patrick Swayze's wife, Lisa Niemi, was on the show talking about the book that the two of them had written together about their life together. I Tivo'd it so I could watch it later.

Unlike most shows, this one I can only watch in 15 minute intervals because it makes me feel raw. Not like I'm being overcome by despair but to hear her experiences in the last days with him, were so similar, even down to the heart taking a long time to shut down, that it brought back a lot of pain.

There were moments of comfort too though. She was talking about how initially she thought she should approach the diagnosis in a way in which there were some lessons to be learned. Then she realized that was ridiculous because she thought this whole situation was horrible and it sucked and so she just let herself "be". Now however, she said she had learned one lesson so far and that is to not wait to do things. That is exactly the lesson I've learned from Mark's death too, probably the only one I'm really aware of so far. It was comforting to hear someone else going through many of the emotions and struggles that I've been going through. Sometimes it's hard to be the grieving one in a world full of "normal" people. You can masquerade as "normal" but inside, you know you're still not there and it makes you feel lonely and alone at times. I know, I know it's part of the process and I have to admit that I am in a better place than I thought I would be just a month ago.

The Lint in My Belly Button

I haven't posted for awhile because I've been trying to crawl out of a hole, at least that's what it's felt like. A hole formed by sadness and negative thoughts along with a big dose of a delay in V. coming back from Saudi Arabia. A perfect trifecta of sorts if you will.

I have been pondering why it is that I am having such a hard time with V. being gone when I used to live happily by myself all the time. Over this week, I've come up with a couple of reasons. First, before V. I didn't have that intimate connection to someone so I didn't miss it. In fact, if I did date someone it was usually for a very short time because I didn't want to be around them, I looked forward to being by myself. Well, since V. I enjoy his company and I miss not having him here to share my weird humorous comments that only he would understand and enjoy. Basically, if you don't have it, you don't miss it. Secondly, back in my single days, if I was feeling lonely especially at night, I would take myself somewhere - a movie, a restaurant armed with a good book, or drive along the beach listening to music. Now, with I., I can't do that when I'm sad and lonely at night - my day out ends at 3:15 so I have to keep myself distracted successfully or not so successfully and plod along through the rough patches. Here's the funny thing though, I don't want the company, I just want V.

Which brings me to the next thing I've been thinking about, along with the lint in my belly button, which is how this post is beginning to sound. I finally was able to sync up my schedule with a mom's group I belong to and make it to 2 events last week. The second event went pretty well as there were some moms there that I feel relatively comfortable with and therefore, could have some conversation with. But the first one, oh my goodness. For most of the time, I felt like I was at a wedding where I didn't really know anyone and the more awkward I felt, the less I talked and interacted. It seemed as though there were expectations of me to talk and interact and the more I tried, the blanker my mind went and I really just wanted to go home and be by myself. It's a vicious circle...

My tenative conclusion after all this pondering is that I need to just accept the fact that yes I am struggling right now, let myself be and stop beating myself up. Easier said than done especially when I feel like apologizing for being such a lousy conversationalist and vow to be better. But you know what, I don't need to apologize to anyone. I'm doing the best I can surrounded by some really sad, out of my control circumstances and the only thing I need to concentrate on each day is I., making sure that she feels loved and secure despite her own sadness over V. being gone. At the end of the day, that should be the measure of the day's success and if I've accomplished that, well then I've done my job well. I'll think I'll leave my loftier goals for another day when the deck doesn't seem so stacked against me and for now, just narrow my focus and keep my head above water.

A Mixed Bag

I've been working on a video to send to V from I about how she is missing him because she certainly is. After a lot of glitches, fits and starts, I think it's almost ready to send him...finally. The song I set to it is Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman and that's a whole tragic but touching story we won't get into here. We finally had a decent morning and I. opened up around noontime, verbalizing her feelings. It only took 8 days and this after me trying to help her verbalizing what she's feeling "I miss Daddy. Do you miss Daddy? I'm sad Daddy's not here. Are you feeling sad that Daddy's not here?"

I. coloring randomly saying,"I really miss Daddy." A few minutes later, "I love Daddy too much." And then in the car, "I want Daddy back at bathtime. Chasing me, I'm Daddy's little Squirt." It just breaks my heart. So since it breaks my heart, why would I not want to break Daddy's heart a little too. Just so he knows our pain, 'cause he really should, you know.

On the plus side of the bag, Mark, Jodi and their baby boy came over yesterday afternoon to collect their cats. This was the first time since July since I had seen him. Since then, he's lost his hair and more weight but with his eyebrows and his smile, it's still him.

Don't get me wrong - it's not that it wasn't hard to see him this way and hug him (he's smaller than I now) but I just have to put that aside for now. Hunter is so adorable and the best baby. I'd be bitter if they weren't going thru what they are going thru. But they truly, of all people, deserve an easy baby. Jodi is starting school next month to become a nurse to support Hunter (which in the future she will have to do) so I am planning on spending some good time with Mark and hopefully teaching I. at this early age about love, compassion, empathy, and eventually about losing someone you truly love. I sob to think of this lesson but you know, it's best she sees me learning the lesson first because it may make it easier for her. And isn't that what being a momma is all about - providing teaching to make life easier for our kids?