And This Is How It Happens

The country is wondering how in the world someone could be living with a kid who is obviously mentally ill and out of control and not get help for them?  Here's how.

I called my mom for our weekly phone call and she sounded depressed which is not like my mom.  I won't go into all the details of that except for the one which pertains to this subject.  My sister, who is a narcissistic jerk when she's on her meds, decided three months ago that she would stop her meds and weekly appointments to her psychiatrist and psychologist as well as Narconon meetings resulting in my mom getting a phone call this week that my sister was getting kicked out of the house she was renting a room from by this weekend.  Let me clarify...she's not renting it, my unemployed with unemployment-benefits-being-terminated-this-month parents are paying for as well as her weekly groceries.  She was getting kicked out because she was acting crazy, the woman was afraid of her and if that wasn't enough, these people left for the weekend and while they were gone, my fucking loon of a sister threw their belongings into a dumpster.

My mother calls my sister's psychiatrist that SHE pays for and asks him what she can do.  He can't speak to her because my sister's an adult, actually tells her "good luck", and hangs up on my mother.

This is why we have theater killings and school shootings.  Something needs to be done to get over 18's mental help.  Why can't the sane people prevail?

Things I Learned Today

1. My daughter is a turtle, soft on the inside and tough on the outside. I know, don't say it, she's just like me. Probably even worse considering V.'s issues with showing emotion. V. got home late last night so didn't leave until 6:15am for work (very very late for him) and I. was waving by to him from her bedroom window. I called him on the phone while he was in the garage to get him to come back since I was up with D. and racing to get down there to say goodbye (for a change). V. came back in and I., D. and I went traipsing downstairs to give him a hug etc. when I noticed something glistening on I.'s cheek. When I asked what it was, all hell broke loose. Turns out that she had been crying while she was waving goodbye to V. earlier before I called him and we all ran down there. So this triggered major crying, sobbing and sadness all before 6:30am. V. had to run so I consoled I. and then cheered her up by having D. grab on her back with his little hand. That always can make a person feel better. While he and she hung out and I was getting ready for the day, I thought long and hard about how she hates to show those tough emotions - sadness, disappointment etc. When I went upstairs to fix her hair and get D., I talked with her about how God created emotions and whatever God creates is good, right? She agreed so I moved on with how there are emotions that make us feel good and ones that hurt but they are all okay because God gave them to us. So it's okay to cry and feel sad and it's okay to show it, much better than holding it in and feeling tight inside. The way I explained it, I think she got it, at least I think she did. 2. My son is turning into a chow hound and I'm happy about it. Last Saturday we started oatmeal, one big whole tablespoon of it. After 4 days of that, we moved on to avocado. I mean, if I'm trying to get meat on this kid's bones what better way than a super nutrient dense, fat avocado and it is listed on one of the best first foods. From the get-go, D. was all over avocado - loved it, lip smacking and everything. Today was day 3 of avocado and after the first cube of it was gone and he realized that was it, he started crying. Not to mention that he was almost bent in half trying to get closer to the spoon. So I gave him another cube that he also devoured and then finished up with another tablespoon of oatmeal. All this in addition to the same amount of breastfeedings, I'm liking it. We'll see what morning weigh-in is tomorrow... 3. I'm pretty modest but I'm also a second time mother and I had no problem breastfeeding D. in the outdoor eating area of the UTC mall today. Nothing was showing really but it kind of made me laugh. 4. If I want D. to take a long morning nap, all I have to do is make plans for the morning after he wakes up. You've heard of the saying "Man makes plans and God laughs."? Well this is my version "Mommy makes plans and D. naps."

Something To Look Forward To

After dropping I. off at preschool today, I get to drive as fast as I can to something very exciting, something I've been looking forward to my whole darn life (yeah right). I get to go have my boobs squeezed flat and photographed. Isn't that something your mother always warned you against? If not, she sure should have. Yep, I'm 40 this year so that means I've graduated to the big girl league of humiliation. Already got Part 1 of that at the ob/gyn and now here comes Part 2. And I'm so looking forward to this...

It's All About The Journey

If there's a lesson I've been learning for the past few years, it's that life is all about the journey, not the finish line. Being a goal oriented person, that's a hard one for me. I like to cross things off my lists, travel to vacation destinations as quickly as possible because to me, I get satisfaction from the end result.

Life's end result is not that great though, you know? I mean, yeah if you have religious beliefs, you have future hope after you die so I guess that becomes the end result but how many of us would happily choose to fast forward to that at this point in our lives. Not me, for one. Once upon a time in my sick, sick mind maybe so but not anymore.

In honor of that journey lesson, I changed the background of my blog. It's to help remind me to enjoy the little things along the way because the big things don't come around all that often. It reminds me to look over at I. intently and silently (hallelujah!) stringing colorful beads on a string to make me a necklace and marvel that this little being is my daughter. I have a daughter! That fact causes involuntary head shakes in wonder because I never envisioned myself raising a little girl. Increasingly, our relationship mirrors the memories I have of my mom and I had when I was I.'s age since I was an only child for 13 years. I chuckle when I think how disappointed I was not that long ago that I. would pretty much be an only child because I have great memories of it just being my mom and I. I think I was lucky and hopefully I. will too.

Sweet and Sour

I enjoyed the fall weather today greatly. I.'s sisters were here this morning so she wanted to stay with them instead of going with me to the gym. I took full advantage and opened up the moon roof, blasted the music and enjoyed the warm sun and cool air all by myself.

For some reason, I had Mark on my mind. I didn't have dreams about him but he was on my mind all day and it made me a little sad. I don't know if it was because I used to call him on Saturday evenings when he lived in Seattle or because I was enjoying the fall weather. I suspect the latter though. I find myself enjoying something so small and then realizing that Mark will no longer experience it and it bums me out. I feel guilty in a way that I'm still here and he's not. I'm still confused that Jodi has still not called me back and I don't want to keep calling. I have not and never will be the pursuer. You either want me or you don't, it's that simple.

This is such a confusing time for me. I'm starting to feel more normal more often but then sadness and grief descend on me and I struggle to deal with the 180 degree of emotions. I don't let V. know these feelings exist because he won't understand it because he needs logic (as I do) but logic doesn't seem to hold true during grief. It's just loosey-goosey and I HATE it. Really, I do because I like to know what's coming so I can prepare myself for better or worse and right now I just get hit upside the head with thoughts and negative emotions without any logical, mental reasons to explain why.

WHY? WHY? Please give me a break, I need a break, please let me just enjoy the smallest of pleasures without feeling guilt or sadness. Life is about the small things in life - Mark and I talked about that and I still believe that.

Venting...

So let me get this right...you're pretty sure you'll make it home for Vegas but you can't commit to making it home for your daughter's 4 year old birthday?! Really? After missing Christmas last year and I'm predicting probably this coming Christmas too? Why don't you realize that she is old enough to remember this crap and that it's always been just her mommy here to raise her?????!!!!! So tired of us always being in last place, at least it translates that way.

You'll be sorry and YES I'M TAKING ALL THE CREDIT FOR HER BEING SO EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY, HAPPY, INDEPENDENT, AND WELL ADJUSTED. I've been here 24/7 and you've been effectively gone SINCE SHE WAS 4 MONTHS OLD. I'm tired of not being able to plan any fun things - Seinfeld concert in December (oh sorry, I probably won't be there), Lion King around her birthday (oh sorry, I probably won't be there for that either).

YOU'RE NOT JUST A F*ING PAYCHECK TO ME! WHERE IS OUR LIFE TOGETHER?!

This just makes me miss Mark all the more.

It Appears I'm Supporting King Abdullah Abdullah

That's gotta be an unusual posting title, I would imagine. But regardless, as I was processing bills for the next week, it appears that in fact, I AM SUPPORTING THE GOVERNMENT OF SAUDI ARABIA.

Why do I say this? Because I just looked at my credit card statement for the last 2 weeks and somehow I've racked up over $8500 in just a few days. Me, the person who doesn't spend money. How does this happen? Well, I'll tell you. It starts with a husband sent to DC, Holland, Germany, and then Saudi Arabia with a business credit card that somehow ceases to work so he starts charging on our PERSONAL credit card. Oh, it's reimbursable you say. Yeah, EVENTUALLY. Just got paid today and there wasn't one cent of reimbursement and this credit card is now due September 2nd. Jeez, think that may add some stress and aggravation to me?!

On top of it, I look at the details of the expenses and when V. calls me tonight, I ask him, "What the hell were those towelheads (pardon the slur, it is my fuckin personal credit card) riding in while they were in DC? Fucking Secret Service black Escalades?" because 2 days cost over $2500 in transportation costs. And you know what V. said? "Yes, that's exactly what they were riding in with dark, tinted windows."

Fucking Saudi Arabia, with our jacked up oil prices and I'm paying for them to ride around like they're fucking President Obama. On top of this, the company is mandating a 4 day furlough so we'll get a paycheck soon with 6 days of pay for 10 days of work PLUS this God forsaken project will not be done in November (or July as previously promised) but sometime next year so we'll just lose another year for our family. No big deal, right? To quote Tony Montana in Scarface, "You're all a bunch of fucking assholes."

Today's Epiphany

Last night, my mom treated me to a showing of Dr. Laura showing (whose views I enjoy very much) for a Mother's Day present. We enjoyed a nice dinner together (just us for a change) and then enjoyed Dr. Laura's insights on being a stay at home mother. It gave me a real boost to my stay at home mom's tank of energy and patience and made me realize (again) how special this time I have with my girl is. I had to take the final paperwork down to her preschool this week and as I watched all the parents picking up their happy children and watched my little girl wistfully watching this, I realized "my full-time week with her is ending soon" and it made me so sad. It's so conflicting because I know she will thrive in school and that it will be beneficial to her because she is chomping at the bit to learn and interact with her peers. But I also remember the pains and tribulations of school and I'm talking about kindergarten here - the frustration of not understanding something the very first time, the pain of being ostracized for no good reason and I need to start figuring out how to console her, how to make her understand she's good enough no matter what and how to be able to successfully deal with this kind of hardship. My momma bear instinct is to go into any situation and kick some ass for her but I know in the long run that's not going to help her. I need to pass that kick ass mentality onto her so that she can carry it on through her life but one thing I am confident about is this - she will survive without me. My parents passed that drive to succeed onto me but not necessarily that will to survive, but I had that drive from pre-K on and it has carried me through some crazy times. I. has so many of my behaviors in her that I am confident that she has that drive to thrive no matter what but just in case, I'm going to feed those behaviors as much as I can.

I'm just so thankful that I have this time with I., enjoying her, playing with her, kissing and chewing on her, and just showing her how much I love her. Most of all, I feel confident that she knows how much I love her and have fun with her. And that to me, is the bottom line of my life. With a friend battling terminal cancer, I view things differently now - what difference am I making in how many lives? That's the bottom line and I'm okay with it. I just need to remember that during the trying times...

Once in a Blue Moon

When it happens to come out that V. and I rarely fight (as in once every 3 years or so), I have a feeling people think I'm fibbing but really I'm not. We just get along extremely well and have gotten to that point in our lives where we realize what is important and what we should just let go 'cause it's not a big deal in the whole scheme of things. Does that mean we NEVER get aggravated at one another? No, though even those times are few and far in between, but tonight's dinnertime was a prime example of those once in a blue moon moments.

We were both really tired by the end of the day by the time we made our way to the dinner table. I began talking about a conversation I had with someone who I feel stops all conversations because he/she announces their "expert" opinion after I've said one sentence. Really, is there anything worthwhile to add to a conversation after that? Anyways, V. pulls out one of my pet peeves - playing devil's advocate and says, "Those were valid points." Aargh, that's not the point! The point is that he/she does this with every stinkin' topic of conversation and it gets old. V. loves to play devil's advocate just to aggravate and for those people who like to argue about anything (ex-wife, other friends) that's great because they love it. Me? I hate it. I don't enjoy arguing and would like to feel as though the person I sleep with and live with is on my side not every other stinkin' person I may bring up in my story of the day. So I state this and he just acts like he doesn't get it which aggravates me further.

Then, pet peeve #2 came into play because I was already aggravated - not commenting on how good dinner is. I've talked to him A LOT about how telling me that dinner tastes good would go really far with me in the scheme of things. But he still doesn't do it. So when the other pet peeve raised its ugly head tonight I figured I'd throw on pet peeve #2 for good measure. So I say,"Gee this chicken is really good tonight! Thanks sweetie I really think so too." Nothing like a dose of sarcasm to reve up a dinner.

At that point, V. got this perturbed, exhausted look about him which means 2 things. One, he's irritated and two, he's feeling piled on by my criticism. Knowing that number two is scar tissue due to the exwife, I clear the table and announce that I won't say any more critical things about him for the rest of the night since he's getting pissed off and overwhelmed by them but to just keep in mind what I've said because it's valid. And I kept my promise though it was actually pretty easy since he fell asleep on the couch about 45 minutes later (hee hee).

So that was our really fun evening and I'm sure there will be more in the future but hopefully not for another few months or so. The bottom line is that we're on the same team and have each other's backs in any fight and we know it. That simple knowledge and confidence will carry us through much of what life throws at us.