Sweet and Sour

I enjoyed the fall weather today greatly. I.'s sisters were here this morning so she wanted to stay with them instead of going with me to the gym. I took full advantage and opened up the moon roof, blasted the music and enjoyed the warm sun and cool air all by myself.

For some reason, I had Mark on my mind. I didn't have dreams about him but he was on my mind all day and it made me a little sad. I don't know if it was because I used to call him on Saturday evenings when he lived in Seattle or because I was enjoying the fall weather. I suspect the latter though. I find myself enjoying something so small and then realizing that Mark will no longer experience it and it bums me out. I feel guilty in a way that I'm still here and he's not. I'm still confused that Jodi has still not called me back and I don't want to keep calling. I have not and never will be the pursuer. You either want me or you don't, it's that simple.

This is such a confusing time for me. I'm starting to feel more normal more often but then sadness and grief descend on me and I struggle to deal with the 180 degree of emotions. I don't let V. know these feelings exist because he won't understand it because he needs logic (as I do) but logic doesn't seem to hold true during grief. It's just loosey-goosey and I HATE it. Really, I do because I like to know what's coming so I can prepare myself for better or worse and right now I just get hit upside the head with thoughts and negative emotions without any logical, mental reasons to explain why.

WHY? WHY? Please give me a break, I need a break, please let me just enjoy the smallest of pleasures without feeling guilt or sadness. Life is about the small things in life - Mark and I talked about that and I still believe that.