Progress?

Well, it's been 11 days since my last post and I'm still dreaming of that restful night with the bedroom all to myself. Probably why I haven't posted since.

Things have been a little better here and there peppered with some not so good moments/mornings/evenings but I'd have to say overall if I'm being honest, things seem to have stopped trending down. Some nights, D. goes right back to sleep after each feeding and I feel like a new person the next day. Some nights, he decides to fuss and cry after the 1am./2am feeding for another hour and boom! I've lost over an hour and a half of sleep in an already short night. Yesterday he didn't go back to sleep after the 5am feeding and refused to stay asleep in the morning. He basically cried the whole morning and my tired nerves were pretty fried. Luckily, he took a 2 1/2 hour afternoon nap and when he woke up, my darling, sweet baby boy was back. Whew! I certainly didn't want whoever that other kid from the morning was.

The other big help has been that D. is smiling as in "my whole face lights up" smiling and it makes a big difference in my daily life. It brings another level of love, adoration and thankfulness in my heart. Best of all, I. is a recipient of his smiles often and she is tickled beyond belief. Seeing his face light up when he looks at her in the morning warms my heart and now I can experience what mothers of more than one have been talking about.

V. has been gone most of this week which in one way is hard but in another way, is easier logistically. I don't have to worry that D. will wake up and need to be fed during the 2 hours that V. is home and awake. One night last week, V. got home at 7:30 and D. woke up at 8:15 hungry. I went upstairs grumpily and fed him but by the time I got done half an hour later, V. had turned off the tv and had gone to bed. I didn't blame him since he'd been up since 2:30am and was going to have to get up at 2:30 again, but I got teary anyways since I only got to see him for 45 minutes and then when I returned downstairs to the "party", noone was there. So in that way it's been easier. But I've missed him and I don't like how much stress he is under right now and how many hours he's been working. The girls are supposed to come down with him tonight but there is a chance that he won't get done with what he has been working on and will have to stay up there again tonight. Being that today is Friday, that would be a real bummer.

D. is up and crying for the second time in this afternoon nap. That damn gas is waking him up. Every time he passes gas, he wakes up and cries and may or may not go back to sleep. Resttime is almost over anyways for I. so I've got to stop anyways. Hopefully next posting will contain good news of an upward trend in sleep and a downward trend in fussiness!

Challenges

Today was a better day than yesterday but considering that yesterday involved me crying in front of people because of severe back pain, it really wouldn't take much for today to be better.

I hate to cry, period. I really hate to cry in front of other people and usually can be crying right next to someone without them even knowing it until my nose starts to run and I have to do that telltale .

But yesterday morning it was just too much. My back had been very strained the whole day before but I made it through it and the painful night. It was very sore in the morning when I got up and no matter how gingerly I moved, it was shooting pains left and right. Then I made the mistake of sitting down to eat breakfast and that's when all hell broke loose. My lower back started spasming and the sciatic nerve was shooting like knives down to my ankle and as the minutes passed, it kept getting worse. I knew that I needed to get upstairs and get ready and get to the chiropractor as soon as possible or I wasn't going to be able to move at all. Scary situation considering that I'm it when it comes to taking care of I.

I drove there whimpering in pain every time I had to turn a corner or go over a bump and by the time we got there, I was tearing up. Of course, I. was not being empathetic at all and was not happy about having to go to the doctor with me which just made me feel all that much more of a loser. An old pregnant mommy loser. Walked into the chiropractor, saw her face, and started quietly crying. Embarrassing. I guess I should just be happy that I'm not a blubberer or sobber. I save my sobbing for when my closest friend dies and I'm by myself.

She got things back in place somewhat and so today I'm just back to being in pain but not in agony. Big difference. The challenges continue to come. Today my car battery died when I picked up I. from preschool. Luckily a jump start in the parking lot and a couple of phone calls to AAA tonight resulted in a new battery being installed in the car at 8pm. which will make I. (and I) so very happy because we will still be able to go to the Wild Animal Park tomorrow. Hopefully my back will embrace the walking around and not punish me for being on my feet all day. I guess I'll find out by tomorrow night but until then, I will enjoy the time with I. while it is still just her and I.

Why So Quiet?

I realize I haven't posted for almost a week. It wasn't that there wasn't anything to post about. It was mainly because the things that were going on were highly aggravating and took up so much mental energy that I just could not bring myself to blog about them at night.

I think the key word for this week has been "overwhelmed". It was frustrating enough to be the middle man with the insurance people and contractor; trying to babysit necessary steps through the process in order to get the house put back together. And no, as of today, we still are missing ceilings and floors so that tells you just how successful my efforts have been on this endeavor.

Add to this insurance project the fact that the car insurance claim for when we were rearended is still not complete. The chiropractor has not submitted any bills to my insurance company. Meanwhile, the other person's insurance company is trying to get me to settle with them with a low maximum amount for doctor's costs. My fear is that if my insurance company cannot recover the medical costs from the other insurance company, they will come after us for the difference. With the medical event of having a baby this summer, I certainly don't want an unexpected bill arriving for something that wasn't my fault. So I need to nag the chiropractor to get their bills in for the last 2 months and call my insurance agent to see if this fear of mine is reality or make believe.

As though I didn't have enough insurance fun going on, my health insurance company decided that they were only going to pay $1.87 on the first trimester blood tests and leave the other $600+ for us to pay. Since we pay out the butt every month for this health insurance, receiving this bill from the lab made me say, WTF?! So I added that to my daily list of insurance phone calls that I so enjoy making.

On top of this mental aggravation, my back has decided that it's been way too nice to me since it last went completely haywire in San Francisco. My tailbone decided to not only twist in an unnatural direction but also tilt at an odd angle resulting in excruciating pain that lasts all night and all day. At night, it's like a horror show. The only position that feels halfway decent is lying on my back, which happens to be the only position that I'm not supposed to be in because it reduces oxygen flow to both baby and I. That leaves me rolling side to side with searing pain in my lower back and hips all night long. Not conducive for good sleep that's for sure. Daytime hours are even more of a struggle because life goes on - laundry still needs to be done, errands need to be run, I. needs to be bathed etc. When sitting, walking, and standing cause excruciating pain, it makes for a emotionally and physically exhausting day.

But I struggle through, knowing that the pain is caused by shifting pelvic ligaments and muscles making room for my little guy. I think I secretly hope that if I go through all this pain now, cosmically I'll be rewarded in some way. Immature and irrational I know but pain causes you to not think particularly clearly.

On a good note, I met with a doula yesterday and felt comfortable with her so that's in place and I can check that off my list. And next weekend is our weekend in Laguna Beach just V. and I and that is definitely something to look forward to. I'll try not to remember that this will be our last weekend for at least 18 months and just enjoy the break. God knows I could use a break from this house, from my projects and duties, and from being a momma.

Speaking of a Perfect Storm

Brutal day of mothering so far and it's only 2pm so there's still plenty of more time for fun. The perfect storm began this morning gathering up churning waves, dark clouds, and high winds in our house today and officially hit land at 1:30 this afternoon.

I think I. has been again fighting off a virus for a few days now which does not help improve attitude and really, I have been trying to take that into account. Here's how the perfect storm grew and grew:

1. When I went to pick her up at the gym, she ignored me and then refused to stand up to walk to the kids' club bathroom (she said she had to go). This is the third day in a row of this crap.
2. My shoulder is absolutely killing me even when I'm not moving; a direct result of the last 3 days of I. refusing to stand up to do something and just throwing herself down like deadweight. 24/7 acute pain due to one certain person is a hard thing to keep moving on from.
3. When I had a salesperson over here for 20 minutes after lunch, she kept interrupting and whining like a brat.
4. She proudly wet her underwear not once but twice already today. Obviously losing television time is not enough consequence for her to stop doing it. Just another area of discipline I feel I'm failing in.
5. The straw was when it was time for resttime and she talked back to me in the most snotty fashion and that was it. The straw - the big fat proverbial straw.

And I lost it. Not my finest moment but I grabbed her and yelled that she had to stop talking back to me, that I was sick of it, and I wasn't putting up with it anymore. Like any of that matters to her, I know but after literally 3 weeks of this shit, day in and day out, without a break, you know I'm human. I picked her up, put her in the crib (thank God she's still in that), put her sippy cup of milk and some books in there and told her if she talked to me like that, I wasn't going to give her the milk or read books to her, I didn't want to be around someone who talked like that to me and then I walked out.

To say that she got upset is an understatement. Things were launched out of the crib like it was a foxhole, screaming and much crying ensued but after 5-10 minutes, things quieted down and I hear her turning the pages as she looks through books. Meanwhile, I've taken a shower, made myself an iced coffee, iced my shoulder for a few minutes of pain relief, read a bit in a magazine, and got out a parenting book to find a better tactic for next time when she talks back to me. Which will probably be as soon as I walk into her room...grrrr. The basis of the plan is no emotion and she's going to spend time apart from me in her room. If she is disrespectful towards me, she doesn't get to be around me - bottom line.

The bad part of that plan is that I'm going to have to lug her up 2 flights of stairs because she's not going up there by herself, I know that for a fact. This is not going to be conducive for my shoulder getting better but I'm out of choices being the only one here. I'd willingly sacrifice my shoulder for nipping this disrespect and brattiness in the bud.

I asked my mother if I had a problem with talking back at this age or ever for that matter because I never remember doing it but you know, I had a different perspective. My mother seemed shocked and said that I didn't. That doesn't make me feel better.

Constant Chatter

It's one of those mornings that make me feel like I just want all the noise to stop. From the time I got up, it's been, "I'm hungry. I want this, I want that. Look at this. How do you...?" Constant questions, demands, statements. It...just...needs...to....stop. And quickly. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin literally.

Yes, I realize if something horrible happened and the noise wasn't there, I would be devastated, ruined, without reason. And my brain, the tiniest part that is not being invaded by questions and demands, understands that.

But the rest of my brain, the other 99%, needs some peace and quiet and for this reason, I'm going to hurry as fast as I possibly can to get ready and get to the gym so I can put I. in the kids club. Maybe the combination of vigorous exercise and some peace and quiet will help me handle whatever the rest of the day brings.

Hell in a Handbasket

"Going to hell in a handbasket" def.: a situation headed for disaster without effort or in great haste .

This phrase was such a good way of describing my afternoon, I'd thought I'd title my post and provide the definition of it for you. After a good morning at the park with friends, we came home, ate lunch, and successfully made it to the rest hour. Aah, I thought, so far so good. The rest of the afternoon was busy but stressfree - chiropractor appointment, gas the car up, and pick up the gourmet cat food from the vet. Easy peasy, right?

Well obviously, someone didn't agree because things proceeded to go downhill from the moment I got I. up from resttime. I walked in to discover a diarrhea mess all over the bed. Okay, been there done that so I clean her off, put clean clothes on her, and proceed to strip down the bed. This takes maybe 3 minutes mind you. It's now time to go so I tell I. to go use the potty and she informs me that she's already gone in her underpants. Really, are you serious? Three minutes and I'm already cleaning one mess and she's wet her underpants within steps of not one but TWO potties. So me being Mother of the Year, I tell her she's staying in those panties and we're leaving. Go to the chiropractor and before we leave I ask if she needs to use the potty before we get gas. She informs me she's already gone in her underpants AGAIN. Now I'm really starting to get aggravated. We get gas and drive across the parking lot to the vet to pick up the surf and turf meals (that's what they should be called, damn food costs that much) for the cats. We have to wait a couple of minutes but that's okay because there are some well mannered, potty trained animals to pet. In fact, the ONLY non potty trained animal in the waiting room was I. who began peeing down her leg. I wiped it off with Kleenex and told her she better start holding it right now and that I wasn't messing around. Lo and behold, she did hold it because she has the capability of doing that when she chooses to.

We finally finish the pee fest, I mean our errands, and go home only to discover that one of the cats has left a steaming pile on the carpet for me to find as soon as I open the door. I'm really excited about this and feel extra special because she already left me one to find first thing this morning. Must be my lucky day!

Get I. fed dinner successfully and we're making our way up to her room for bathtime and then bedtime. Yeah, I'm thinking, I'm almost there. We walk into her room and see something that does not bode well for either of us.

Though it doesn't show up in the photo, the fan is on high, moving at an alarming rate of speed and Elmo's six foot long string is completely tangled in various parts of the fan, including the cord to shut it off.

I.'s 3.5 year old psyche is overwhelmed and she begins shrieking and crying at the top of her lungs "NA-NA, NA-NA" (that's what she calls Elmo) I'm looking at it thinking "Oh man, I'm screwed." because I'm going to have to get up on a really tall ladder and try to cut Elmo down without being decapitated. You know, I don't think anyone pointed this out in the Mommy job description 'cause if they had, I'm not sure I would have signed up for this.

I put I. in the bathtub and closed the door. Yeah, I know another Mother of the Year moment, but we do pay good money for swimming classes so I figured she would be okay long enough for me to extracate the balloon from the fan. I sure as heck didn't want her anywhere near the ladder while I was six feet up, with sharp scissors, dodging rapid fan blades.

I got it down, went into the bathroom to get her out and walk into a pond on the floor. For some reason unbeknowst to me, I. has opened the bathtub doors and has been pouring water on the floor. This results in instant ejection from the bathtub and the loss of one book being read at bedtime. Successfully get I. in bed and she falls asleep pretty quickly. Being naughty takes a lot out of a 3.5 year old, obviously.

Once again, I must have missed the memo that today was going to be hell in a handbasket but I'm a smart girl and figured that out all by myself.

Really Tired - Why?

I know I'm not the only one to have ever felt this way but I'm just so tired! I really think it's due to daylight savings time which added an extra hour to my work day. You wouldn't think that would make a difference but honestly, it does. It's not like I'm out of shape (no, I'm not skinny) but I do work out on average 5 days a week. But this afternoon, when I. was in the bath and I was running around picking up clothes/toys/books, bundling up the dirty diapers, de-catastrophizing the crib, getting pjs ready, I realized, "Damn I'm tired!" Being a SAHM is difficult but you know what, it's physically tiring. Try picking up a 35 lb. child numerous times a day, carting them up and down 4 flights of stairs - add a gym backpack, diaper bag, recycling, groceries, other errand bags and voila, I'm tired! And that's just the physical side of things. Add to that, the emotional tidal waves of a 3 year old (PATIENCE!) and trying to remain a good, loving, productive wife. Okay, now I'm exhausted.

I'm not complaining. It's just been that I've been puzzled as to why I've been so tired the past month and I was starting to get down on myself. Instead for once, I started delving into the "why" instead of berating myself and got down to a rational explanation. Hopefully, I'll start acclimating to this new workday and have a little more energy for the end of the day. If not soon, I'll have to find new strategies to wind up less tired at 7 pm.