Special Moments

I forgot to blog about this last weekend but want to do it now for posterity's sake.  Woke up and groggily nursed D. in the morning light, listening to the light but steady rain falling while watching the trees in the window blowing with the wind.

Ten or so hours later, nursing D. before he went to bed, in the twilight, again listening to a steady, light rain thinking how perfect a day could begin and end.

Refrigerated Thoughts

I just finished cleaning and organizing the fridge and freezer, something I've put off forever. While I was doing it, I thought about the age old argument between working women and stay at home moms. Many working women think stay at home moms do nothing all day, let alone something substantial, and that they are letting their minds go to pot causing them to become boring individuals who have nothing to add to a conversation that doesn't revolve around their children. Instead of making me angry, it just makes me sad for these women and their present and/or future children. Nurturing a baby, shaping a child's character and just being there for a child's firsts, joys, sadnesses, and disappointments is not "doing nothing". It is pure joy if you live in the moment, appreciate the little things and keep perspective on how quickly time passes and one day I will be alone and able to do whatever I want to do and I have a feeling that I'll be very sad that these days are over.

Yes, cleaning the fridge is not exciting. No one is going to hand me a paycheck for it, promote me to a better, more prestigious job, or probably even acknowledge it with a pat on the back (though I may get a pat on the butt from V.). That doesn't matter. What matters is that I enjoy making a nice nest for my children and husband, a place where we are all safe and loved, a place where we can hide from the dog eat dog work world, the kindergarten world where you learn that not everyone is kind to you, and the 5 month old world where everything is new, semi-bewildering, and often overwhelming. We all need a safe place to land and that is the reason for everything I do right now in life.

Am I looking out for number one (myself) anymore? Certainly not and thank God. I did that enough in my single days and it was pretty empty after awhile. Lots of freedom and lots of simplicity but at the end of the day, I was certainly much more unhappy then than I am now. I like that I get ready in the morning before taking I. to school and I don't look in a mirror until I've gotten them in the bed and am getting in the shower. To me that's a good sign of a meaningful life and no, I didn't look like something the cat dragged in all day. I take pride in how I look, I just don't have the time to dwell on myself. I'd much rather look into my childrens' eyes and watch their facial expression as they look at something, than look at myself. I know what I look like, I want to memorize their little faces now before they change.

I love this saying because it is so true and snaps me back into perspective when I feel myself getting frustrated with kid situations: "The days are long, but the years are short." Isn't that the truth!

Breastfeeding blessings

If you have ever breastfed a baby, you'll probably get what I am going to say. There is just something, especially after a 4-5 hour break, about putting a little human being onto your breast as their mouth is hungrily searching for you and having them begin drinking in the nourishment that keeps them alive. Every night at D.'s twilight feeding I experience this protective feeling and a sense of wonder that my body can sustain a baby, not just in utero but "out" utero too. Makes me really thankful that I got to experience it once again.

Busy Week

It's been really busy since my last post with I. being out of school. I. and I have been enjoying hanging out together with one of our favorite activities being baking in the morning while D. takes his morning nap, or some shortened version of it some days. We've made gingerbread cookies, sugar cookies, two loaves of cranberry nut bread, and Mexican wedding cakes. Much of it we've shared with others and tomorrow morning we'll be taking some of the Mexican wedding cakes and bread to our next door neighbors who bring in our trashcans almost every week (along with everyone else's on our row). It's been quality and quantity time with I. and with her not being in school, she is more relaxed, cheerful, and funny. We're really been having a good time though it has been exhausting by the afternoon without any downtime. Now I've been fighting off a throat virus for the last few days and I'm hoping it begins to improve or at least, not get worse.

Last weekend was not very good for me. To make a long story short, I attempted to supplement D.'s feeding with some pumped milk, multiple ways, multiple nipples and all resulted in D. screaming and crying and me crying as well. He did not want the nipple and even when he got the milk in his mouth, he spit it out because he was full from my feeding. Two days of these attempts left me mute on Sunday night, literally mute. That's how depressed and down I was. Even my parents sent an email saying that my mom had had to stop nursing me because I was still hungry when she fed me but that she had to supplement for the good of me. As though I am putting my desire to breastfeed D. above his wellbeing. It really upset me and angered me.

I remembered that a friend of mine is a pediatrician so I emailed her with all his growth stats and pics and asked her for her opinion. I also began wondering why I was taking a beautiful experience of nursing and allowing it to become such a stress filled, upsetting experience just based on what the ped says vs. what I know in my heart of hearts - D. is okay, he's more than okay. So I decided to just keep feeding him as often as possible and track his weight. My friend emailed back that yes, he was a slow gainer, but he was gaining and he definitely wasn't a skinny baby. That he looked fine and sounded great and to not worry about it.

One thing I did start doing this week and that I am enjoying immensely is for the first feeding in the morning (ie. the one that I know for certain he's not going to go back to sleep after or one that is at a decent time in the morning as in after 5:30am), I get him up, change him and get him buck naked except for that diaper. Then I put him bed with me, put the covers over our heads and nurse him while we warm up skin to skin and I can caress his little body. It's just the nicest, sweetest thing ever and I love it. He loves it too. It's the perfect way to usher in a new day, communicating warmth, love, and safety. And it's supposed to help with breastfeeding so that's even better.

Now if I can just start feeling better, that would be fantastic and if D. would have a few good nights of sleep with some long stretches for me, that would be even better. Here's wishing for both!

Quiet Moments

Yesterday was a busy but good day. First to the gym for a quick treadmill workout, then straight to my parents' house for lunch and instructions for this weekend's housesitting/dog sitting while they go to Vegas (one of our Christmas presents to them). Then home for bath and bedtime.

The weather was so nice, high 70s which is a nice change from what we've had lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those lamenting our cool summer weather. I like low 70s/high 60s weather most of the time but a little bit warmer here and there is good too.

I got I. in bed and went on the back patio to bask in the warm air. I'm supposed to be thinking about what my "perfect" birth experience looks like. It's my first assignment from my doula. What better place to do this than on the patio with peace and quiet, looking at the warm sunlight glowing on the back embankment, feeling the warm air on my skin, and seeing the hummingbirds flitting from flower to flower. It's still kind of awkward to put this "perfect" picture together but I think it will be one of those things that just develops over time when I'm not really thinking hard about it. Bits and pieces here and there.

Today is V.'s birthday and a chocolate cake is being delivered to the San Francisco office this afternoon. I think he'll be surprised. I guess I'll find out this afternoon. Another nice warm day today, probably the last for the week so I will take advantage of another twilight on the patio this evening.