Last Night Sucked

As this post's title states, last night sucked. V. called and I told him again that he needed to find out if the girls were going to Idyllwild with us between Christmas and New Year's because the accomodations seemed to be limited for 3 bedrooms so I didn't want to wait too long. Mind you, this is probably the third time I've brought this up in the last 6 weeks.

After a moment of silence, V. drops the bomb on me. "I may not be home then." Huh, what?! This is the first I've heard of this. Last year even though he was in Saudi and missed Christmas, he was able to make it for this but this year, uh not looking good. So we have 2 WHOLE weeks as a family a year and you're telling me that after being gone 95% of the year, we're not going to be able to go away for that second week? I so look forward to this - I already bought snowboots for I. (V. knew this) and talk all year about taking walks in the cold air with the smell of wood burning fireplaces burning and the silence of the forest. But this year, it looks like V. may not be here for Christmas (or Thanksgiving for that matter) or New Year's. And if he is, it'll be too late to schedule the damn trip. And as for planning my 40th birthday trip, that's not looking too hopeful either.

I'm tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of: being alone; having too little adult fun; not being able to plan anything ahead of time; not having anything to really look forward to; watching the best years of my life pass by (not as a mother but as a wife and woman); feeling like my life is on hold; being stuck in the house from 3pm on (since the time change); living life as a single mom with an albeit kickass alimony; and my strong, close, loving marriage taking hits for several years now. It makes me sad, stressed, upset, angry, and worried.

To add to last night's angst: as a reward for posting an online review of our Vegas trip, the website gave me a free 8x8 photo album on Shutterfly. I thought for a couple of weeks what I wanted to use it for and a few nights ago, it just hit me upside the head - an album of Mark. Of course, I didn't have very many photos of him healthy since we all think in our 30s we'll live forever so why take the time to take pictures? So, putting together this album was hard on me. Organizing the photos and visually seeing Mark's physical demise as his inner beauty shone forth was heartwrenching and brought many painful emotions to the surface. Thank God I finished the book and I'm looking forward to seeing and cherishing the finished project. It'll be worth the pain, I just know it.

So that was my night yesterday, a rough one and a late one. Tonight is looking better so far. I was able to have lunch with a friend of mine while I. was at preschool and it was a really nice hour. I have hope that I won't have the emotional hangover tomorrow morning that I had today.