Trying Not To Think Too Much

Thinking too much is never a good thing, at least when it comes to me. Overthinking leads to erroneous conclusions that can only make me feel bad. Knowing that, I am trying to not overthink but it is difficult.

This morning, we finally gave the girls their purses, you know the $200 ones that caused a fight and have been sitting in the bedroom since before Christmas as a constant reminder. Yeah, THOSE purses. It's actually a relief because now I can move on. However, there's a little problem. The problem being that I communicated last week (as I was counseled) that it hurts when V. doesn't make me feel special. I gave the example of how he brought everyone else a gift from Saudi Arabia (even himself) except me. All I got out of Saudi Arabia was a 14 month missing piece of my life and a marriage battered by the experience. It makes me want to get that printed on a shirt to wear around the house but that would be highly passive aggressive so in the best interest of all involved, I'll refrain.

Okay, so with that little backstory from last week and the fact that while in Saudi, V. was able to get online and make sure the purses were ordered, here's the little problem - he didn't get me anything for Christmas. Yes, he sent flowers with a stuffed animal to I. and I at Christmas time and I loved them. In fact, I made those flowers last for 3 weeks and lugged them out and back from Palm Desert. So, it's not that I wasn't grateful for them - I was. It's just that last week, he came back to a bunch of Christmas and birthday presents plus a nice Christmas dinner and this week, the girls got their motherload of gifts (there was more besides the purses). We spent over $500 on their gifts and I sat there last week and this week and got nothing.

I'm struggling with beating myself up for sounding petty, childish, and selfish. But I'm not supposed to do that if the feeling is a normal human and quite valid feeling. So I'm trying to just let myself be but it's hard because if I just let myself "be", I'm quite hurt and angry. I don't want to feel this way and I thought by going out on the limb and expressing my feelings along with a good example last week, this situation would have been avoided.

Being a mother, especially of a small child, is by nature a selfless job. It's her needs first all the time and especially when V. has been gone for over a year, my needs are not even on the radar. At some point though, enough is enough. I just don't really know exactly what to do about this. I mean, I already brought this topic up last week and nothing changed. What's the point of bringing it up again? You know what they say about insanity - it's doing the same thing over and over again and being surprised when the results aren't different. I guess that makes me insane because I really did expect the results would be different this time. My bad...