There's Always A Catch

V. finally made it home last night around 1am. after a delay in San Fran thanks to customs and security. Hard to get back into the US from Saudi it seems. He's been sleeping most of the day but I was prepared for that. In fact, I pretty much pretended he wasn't here and that worked well since it kept both my expectations and frustrations extremely low. It's taken me awhile but finally, I think I've got it. I. was thrilled to have her Daddy home though it made for some emotional outbursts that I, as her momma, had to deal with.

I woke him up for a home cooked, hot meal and that's when I asked the question I knew I was overdue in asking. I was originally told that V. would have to be in China by March 1st and then back by July 1st for a new position that would keep him here at home with us for an actual family life. Granted, I figured if there was a major change I would be told but as past experiences have taught me, if I don't ask the right question, I'll never get the answer I'm looking for. With V., no matter how many times he gets in trouble for this, it will never change; of this I am certain. The question was, "So do you still have to go to China by March 1st or has that changed?"

And guess what? There had been a MAJOR change as of a couple of days ago. V. will not be going to China by March 1st; however, in September he will be going there for another "Saudi" long-term type of project implementation. So that light shining at the end of the tunnel isn't there anymore, it's gone. Yeah, he'll be home for awhile and yes, I can safely plan for my birthday but I can't even begin to express how DONE I am with these year long (or longer) assignments that separate us for months on end.

Right now, I can't even fathom doing these past 14 months over again. As he lays sleeping on the couch, tears stream down my face with the certainty that he'll be gone, out of our lives again and I don't want to do it anymore. It's painful and exhausting and lonely.

I've got to turn my mind tonight to tomorrow which should be a good day since we are reenacting Christmas morning for V. I have the Christmas morning breakfast for us and V. is going to open his Christmas gifts before all of us (hopefully) head to the gym. The balance between living in the moment and dreading what the future holds is precarious right now. Hopefully, I'll get a better hold on it as the days go on .