Loss

While nursing ,I have not been reading on my Kindle for the last few weeks and I won't for the rest of my nursing future, just enjoying the last days of D.'s nursing days.  Watching D.'s jaws working at sucking, his relaxation while nursing, and my realization that nourishing him at my breast is approaching its end makes me so sad.  When you know it's your last baby and you are directing the weaning, you cherish these moments.

Saw one of my longtime guy friends on the news and it gave me a twinge.  Still trying to process being dumped from my closest guy friends.  One dead and the other two alive but may as well be dead.  After I had I. but V. was still gone so much, they were still around.  But now that D. is here and V. is around more, they are totally gone.  Neither of them have met D. which hurts me and only one of them saw me while was pregnant with D.  If I'm being honest, I feel betrayed, left behind.  It brings up old emotions of being left here to deal with everything but I realize changes have happened, to the better of me. 

Still I have to admit, those old stirrings come up.  Was thinking of my old days when I was trying to be successful in the man's world which basically I was existing in both personally and professionally.  I was successful but that was because I shut off any female responses and was one of the guys.  Once I had children, that wasn't completely possible for me and I think that changed things.

I'm no longer sassy and sarcastic.  I can be funny and feisty but I don't have that same edge to my humor.  I was a fighter before, now I am a lover.  I don't have to pretend not to feel anymore, I don't have to deny my true feelings.  All that denial of emotions and the "I'm tough, can't knock me down" bravado had exhausted my reserves after about 7 years.  It left me bankrupt and with nothing to fall back on when the truly tough times hit.  My guy friends were there but what I didn't realize is that as soon as my bravado had truly faded away, maybe I wasn't so interesting to them anymore or maybe I just reminded them of another mom/wife which they already had.

I think I finally reached a point where I'm done.  I understand that despite that they say they will call me, let's get together for lunch, etc. it's not going to happen.  It's been a one way street for too long and frankly, I've allowed it to bruise my feelings for too long as it is.  If they were true friends this would not have happened.  If Mark was still alive, we would still be friends on equal footing.  For the first time in the past 2 years, I feel a small warmth of peace down deep and I know I'm ready to move on.

 

Rough Day

I'm really want to get back to funny posts or deep thought posts or happy posts but today isn't going to be the day for that unfortunately. But stay tuned, I'm sure one is just around the corner.

It isn't that today has been the worst day, just not a particularly stellar one. First of all, despite 9 hours of sleep last night, I'm still dog tired. How can that be? Perhaps it's all the overthinking I've been doing lately and still trying to curb.

Secondly, I discovered today that something very personal that I told in confidence to someone was told to someone else. I know this because this person asked me about the topic. I know I didn't tell this person because of the fact that I knew SHE WOULD ASK ME ABOUT IT AND THEN SOME and guess what, I was right. 'Cause not only did she ask me about it, she had to ask an insensitive question to follow it up. Yeah, that makes me really happy I must say. It was probably just an innocent slipup on the part of the person I told but of course, this other person didn't miss the opportunity to needle me on it.

Thirdly, I just got a call back from Mark's wife Jodi as they are on their way to the hospital. Despite a blood transfusion yesterday, he is extremely lethargic, not thinking clearly, and has a new, intense pain in his abdomen. Scary stuff considering what he's battling. Jodi and I have agreed that on Friday I will visit him wherever he is - at home or in the hospital and she'll let me know what the doctors say as soon as she can. My heart feels heavy and frightened by this info but my head feels a little less crowded knowing that the plan for a Friday visit is securely in place. It's only taken almost 2 months to get this visit but Lord willing, we're on. I just pray that the cancer hasn't spread and that they can diagnose and get rid of/control this pain of his.