Deep Breaths & A Vodka Tonic

in-com-pe-tent: adj. not having the necessary skills to do something successfully

Though I am not completely convinced, in my mind and heart I feel like an incompetent mother. This last vacation has left me exhausted and frustrated as a parent and without some sort of a break from being a parent, my frustration and anger just continues to build. I've heard people say that children will understand if there are more relaxed rules and less strigent schedules while on vacations; that they will understand that when they get home that the "old", regular rules still apply. To that, I say "Bullshit!"

Because now I'm paying the price of trying to be less rigourous and strict. I was paying it throughout the whole damn vacation and now that we're back, I'm STILL paying for it. Tomorrow will be the first day since returning that neither the girls nor V. will be here' it'll just be I. and me and I'll tell you what, there will be a drastic return to how things were. The whining, the 2 year old screeching, the not listening, the defiance, the tantrums, the "I'm not going to eat my dinner but now I want to eat in bed" game - all this is going to end. As a former boss put it, it's time for a "come to Jesus" because I can't take it, not one more day.

I feel like we've gone back two years in ground covered. This evening while V. was washing I. in the bath (or attempting to wash her), I went in my closet and sobbed because I can't take much more. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be yelling at her, frustrated at her, angry towards her because of how she's acting. I think to myself, "If I can't handle ONE four year old child, how the HELL am I going to handle her as she gets older?" It's not like I have multiple children. I can't even seem to deal with one and thus, the label of "incompetent".

Physically, I realize that I'm not at a strong level which I know does not help me in dealing with stress. This weekend, I've been fighting off a virus (sore throat, tired, earache, headache) and I've developed painful bursitis in my shoulder. Not the shoulder that just healed after daily pain for 11 months - the other one. I can't move it away from my body without excruciating pain and I can't sleep on it. So basically, in the past year I had 2 weeks without shoulder pain and now I'm back in a lot of pain.

Mentally and emotionally, I feel exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed. I've put off talking to my dad because I don't feel like I can handle one more thing. Of course, not talking to him and/or actively helping him increases guilt and stress. Just like how I need a break from I. to gain some breathing room and perspective increases my guilt and lowers my parenting confidence. Honestly, I think this whole vacation capped off a series of events (Mark's anniversary, Jodi BS, my dad losing his job) has led to a low/medium-grade depression. The three adjectives I used in the first sentence of this paragraph are usually the first symptoms. However, during and after this vacation, I've also felt a great amount of irritation over just about everything and often times feel as though I'm watching and experiencing the good/happy moments like a spectator without truly enjoying them and that makes me sad.

V. recognizes some of these behaviors and says we need to get away for an adults-only vacation. I agree but I'm concerned whether this will be a good time for my parents to be watching her but I guess I'll just ask and find out. Until then, deep breaths and a vodka tonic...