Bad dreams again this morning. It's not unusual for me to have bad dreams but usually they are in the middle of the night, two or three hours after I've fallen asleep. But since Mark began his descent and then final ascent, my nightmares come in the morning hours between 4 and 7 am., the sacred hours as I call them because it is during these hours I normally get good sleep. The rest of the night I wake up often, sometimes every time I turn over but those few hours before I'm called to duty is when I can finally, truly sleep.
But now these are the hours when all the day's, week's, and month's emotions get turned into multiple bad dreams. Dreams of titanic waves crashing over me; scary stormy days when it looks like the world is ending; watching I. drowning and not being able to reach her; I myself dying of cancer; angry screaming at people close to me and strangers; being chased by strangers trying to kill me and waking up to my own screams as the knife enters my body. And that is really the worst part of them - the waking up. Because even though it was only a dream, my body and soul don't know that - my heart is racing, there are tears on my face, and my throat is sore from screaming. And then I remember, Mark is dead and though my nightmares were not real, that horrible fact is. This is how I start my days.
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