Baby Steps

This week I finally made my first forays into social settings, mostly for I.'s sake. She hasn't been around kids her own age for almost a month now and I have felt bad about that. So Thursday we went to a pool playdate and Friday we went to someone's house for a small playdate with some of I.'s closest friends. I. warmed up very slowly on Thursday since these weren't kids that she knew very well but ended up playing with them and having a good time. Friday, she had a blast with all her good friends and it was nice to watch her having such a good time.

It's not that I had a bad time. It's just felt like I was watching from a million miles away, observing and all the while telling myself what I should be doing. I should be smiling more, talking more, being more friendly, asking more questions etc etc etc. To the point, that by 1pm on Friday, I literally hit the wall and felt like if I didn't leave right now, I was going to be too exhausted to drive us home. I kind of felt like a freak with how quickly it hit me and how quickly we left but honestly, I was that tired. Then we got home and got I. down for a rest and could I doze off, nope. I just laid there and hoped to somehow make it through the rest of the afternoon with an active child.

I think it was just too much, too long, too soon. I need to pace myself better and have a couple of social situations a week but not back to back if I can help it. It's just too exhausting and overwhelming to me right now. I am a big tangled mess of swirling emotions. How can I expect myself to begin, let alone carry, a conversation with anyone normal when I'm like this. To pretend adds another layer of anxiety that I really don't need right now and exhausts me. Baby steps, that's what I need.

Baby steps is what Jodi and I took this afternoon. Mark's friends were having a big August birthday bash and Jodi wanted to go but not by herself so she asked me if I would go with her. So we went for about an hour or so and then left which seemed about the right amount of time. It wasn't as stressful as being with "normal" people because they're all sad about Mark and noone expects us to act a certain way. It was a little uncomfortable for me because everyone was talking to Jodi but I was just kind of standing there because really, this is only the second time that I've met these people. So I just kept talking to Mark in my mind, telling him that I was doing this as part of the promise I made to him to help Jodi make this transition to life without him. By driving her to this party, being her wingman, allowing her to have a couple of shots of Jagermeister with his friends (she doesn't drink so this was a special occasion), I feel like I was helping her across that road to having Mark's friends now become her friends and finding comfort and support in that.

On a very positive note, things with V. and I have been going well and in fact, he sent me an email this afternoon before he got on the plane, telling me that he missed me and that he actually did reread my "intervention" letter today (I snuck it in his suitcase). When we talked this morning, he shared something really funny and I laughed and laughed about it. Still chuckling about it now in fact. Every night while I. is eating dinner, I have her tell me what she wants to tell Daddy about her day and I write it in an email. Then in the morning, there is an email to her from Daddy and she is just tickled! I think that is helping keep the connection with V. alive and well since she truly is her Daddy's girl. A few weeks more and he'll be back. I'm really looking forward to it.